Roger Furlong

Furlong:Ah, I recognize you. You're one of Selina's little gay dwarves, aren't you?

Furlong · Dan:What, are you sappy? Is that it? Preppy? / Actually, my name is Dan Egan.

Furlong:She's about as welcome here as a turd in a hot tub.

Furlong · Will:We're having to bump our silver plates up to gold plates, gold plates are going up to platinum plates. I'd make more money if I installed will here as a full-time gloryhole greeter at a Georgetown gay bar. Which I'm pretty sure he already does part-time. Right, will? / Yes, sir.

Furlong:Send her to the rock and roll hall of fame. First time I took this kid, one look at Kurt Cobain's shoes, he was bawling like a fucking baby. 'It's too soon! It's too soon!'

Furlong:I might as well nail a bunch of puppies to the ground and then start running them over and crush their skulls with my campaign bus.

Furlong:All right, well, all due respect, cock nugget, there's been a little too much of this informal understanding going on around here.

Furlong:And in that capacity, I have a duty to shine a light on any of this kind of backseat, finger-fucking insider bullshit, Dan.

Furlong · Will · Selina:I'm hearing that your credibility is... / Where is it located, will? / The toilet. / The toilet? / More accurately, the crapper.

Selina · Furlong:I don't even like you. / Right. / Right? And now I'm, you know, been told to come here and endorse you. So do you understand how embarrassing this would be for me now not to endorse you?

Furlong:Then I will reject the endorsement publically.

Furlong · Dan · Will:I don't know what the hell she could have been thinking. / When was the last time you cried twice in one day? / It was a little more recently than you'd think.

Furlong · Dan · Furlong:I saw the meltdown. / Congressman, I saw passion. I saw conviction. / I saw a fucking crazy lady. That's what I saw.

Furlong:If she mentions my name, if I get the stamp of approval, the midas touch from Jenny shitfinger, I'm coming for you, pal.

Mike · Furlong · Dan:Sir, this crying is tracking pretty well. / What? / Oh, shit. / Yeah, it's good. / Okay, that changes everything.

Furlong · Dan · Furlong:What the hell just happened? / So great to be part of your feel-good moment. / You're a dirty little prick.

Furlong · Selina:Don't forget your booster seat. / Oh, shove it up your ass.

Furlong · Jonah · Sue:Holy Christ. Look at the size of this one. Buddy, I think you're as big as my gay dwarf. / I need to see the vice president now. / Sorry, I don't work here. I do work in the West... / Well, then get the hell out of my way, you leaning tower of... / Pisa. / No. / Shit? / Good. / Move it.

Furlong · Sue:Hey, sweet cakes. I need to get in to see the veep. / Congressman, if you call me that again, you'll need to see a paramedic.

Furlong:What are you gonna do? You gonna choke me with some spanx?

Furlong:And a bulletproof vest and an iron jockstrap. 'Cause you're gonna get your head shot, your back stabbed, and your nuts danced on.

Furlong:There is no 'I' in freedom. Freedom is not 'medom.' It's 'wedom.'

Furlong:I fluffed 'em, now go fuck 'em.

Furlong:Wipe that thing off before you hand it to me.

Furlong:Hey there, pretty boy. You know what they call guys like you in prison? Sweetmeat.

Furlong:Nobody plans on going to prison, dipshit. That's just the way it works out sometimes.

Furlong:you're gonna have to be prepared to be gay for the stay 'cause you're going down. Chin up, buddy. You'll be fine. Mouth open.

Furlong:Hey, Brokeback Egan.

Furlong:Screw you and the face you rode in on, Dan.

Furlong · Will:Are you eating my pizza? No, sir, you... because you said that... No, I said don't wave it in my face. I didn't say eat it. It's still good. Eat it! Eat it all right now!

Furlong:Furlong: 'If this were the '60s, we could just have the National Guard shoot the daughter.'

Furlong:Furlong: 'I'm running out of nice juice to spray at these shit munchers.'

Furlong · Will:Furlong to his aide, about Dan and Amy leaving: 'It's a metaphor.' Aide: 'I don't think it strictly is, sir.' Furlong: 'As a figure of speech ...' Aide: 'You know, you're about as annoying as a condom filled with fire ants. How's that for a fucking metaphor?' Aide: 'That's a simile, sir.' Furlong: 'Shut your mouth, you fat girl.'

Furlong · Will:Furlong's motorcade line: 'I don't care if there is a funeral procession due to use that street. It is to be closed by 4:00 today.' Aide: 'It'll cheer the family up, sir. Everyone loves a motorcade.'

Sue · Furlong:Sue's confrontation with Furlong: Furlong storms in demanding a meeting, is rebuffed. 'My wife ... I'm not looking for sympathy for this ... but she was very ill with kidney disease.' Sue: 'Your wife is perfectly fine. She ran the Seattle Marathon.'

Furlong:Furlong's meltdown at Sue: 'All right, don't fuck with me, honey. Just put my fucking name in your stupid fucking schedule and get me a face-to-face with the veep now!' followed by 'Okay, I've got boxes and boxes on Selina Meyer. You understand me? I've got Pandora's fucking boxes on her.'

Furlong · Sue · Sue:Fuck this, I'm going in the side door. / You do and Secret Service might break your neck. / That would be a tragedy.

Furlong:Gets me aroused. Sorry, I meant roused. / No, did I— I meant aroused. Aroused.

Furlong:Furlong impersonates Thornhill: 'I don't know anything about NAFTA, but I do know about baseball. Baseball, baseball, baseball. Look at my muscly chest. Vote for me.'

Furlong:You know what, son? You should only talk if someone pulls your string, okay? And even then, you just say, 'Tickle me.'

Furlong:Can't we give Pierce a dollar, send him off to the movies or something?

Furlong:Of course I don't fucking like it, Gary. It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy.

Gary · Furlong · Mike:The elfin look is in right now. I was reading about it. / People don't elect elves, okay? They put them to work in grottos or they get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them. / Okay, that's dwarfs.

Gary · Furlong · Mike:Do you really think it's too short? / Yeah. She looks like k.d. lang. / Think of all the lesbian jokes we're gonna have to suffer. 'Strap-on Selina,' 'Selina Navratilova,' 'fingering the dyke.'

Jackson · Furlong:HA-HA. What, are you laughing at us, 'Pee-wee Sperman'?

Furlong:Here's my favorite part, where they all pretend like they like each other.

Furlong:Fuck Broadway. This is real acting.

Furlong:Nice air kiss. I think he actually missed the air.

Furlong:Now he spills his water! / I swear, this kid is literally gonna shit himself.

Furlong · Amy:Thornhill's dial tests are off the dial. / The public will vote for anybody they recognize. We could lose to the whale from 'Free Willy.'

Furlong:Here comes the burning tank story where he saves the one guy and the rest of us get fuckin' tortured.

Furlong:Look at him throwing his water everywhere. He should have been there when the tank was on fire. God, how does this kid feed himself?

Maddox · Furlong:I'm talking about words like... the economy... jobs... [long pause] World's worst boy-band member ever right there.

Furlong:He looks like he just came out of the bathroom and then decided that he hadn't finished yet.

Furlong:We should put this guy in Vegas. I mean, anywhere but here.

Furlong:If newspapers still had cartoonists, they could do something really clever with that plug.

Furlong · Chung:Ten bucks he says, 'Bring back the draft.' / You know, I'm not trying to say that you should join up and serve your country, but there are other options for the young adults—

Furlong:He's blocking Selina. That guy's smarter than he looks. Mind you, he'd have to be.

Furlong:I hate confessions, unless they've been beaten out of someone.

Amy · Furlong:Do we have any snipers? Can we take her out? / You got a gun? I'll do it.

Furlong · Amy:Jesus, that is a wicked twitch. / I can't watch this. / Neither can she, 'cause her fuckin' eyes don't work.

Selina · Furlong:It is... 'repel.' / 'Repel'? Why did she say 'repel'? What is it, 'Talk Like A Pirate Day'?

Selina · Amy · Furlong:We need to repel unwanted immigration. We need to repel criminals, we need to repel obesity, we need to repel torturers. / I think I've endorsed a Nazi. / That would explain the Hitler haircut.

Furlong · Ben:What the hell is a legitimate hole? / Well, don't get me started.

Pierce · Furlong:But we wanna stay above the hole. We don't wanna go down the hole. He's gonna disappear up his own 'hole' hole. / If I get your vote, you won't go down that hole. I wanna bring everybody above the hole. We all want to live above the hole.

Furlong:Maddox dialed 'M' for 'Murdered Himself.'

Furlong:God, look at Pierce. He looks like he just got out of sex prison. He's not gonna cry, is it?

Furlong:Now Maddox's daughter is gonna give him the bad news. 'Daddy, you fuckin' blew it!' 'Daddy, I've never been less proud of you.'

Amy · Furlong:Cheer up. Coming in second is good. It's especially true with opening debates. / Also with fucking.

Selina · Furlong:And if you can't stand the heat, buy asbestos panties. / See, now that's the kind of talk that gets me turned on.

Amy · Furlong:Shall we recalibrate our language, Roger? / It's Congressman Furlong to you, gray Elvis.

Furlong:You think the whole sub is made in one place? Because the fin, or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state. And then this little round fucking window comes from another place. All right? And the fuel rods are from Cheesedick, Wisconsin.

Furlong:So take the periscope out of your asses and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you.

Furlong:You can wave bye-bye to the Families First bill because the lawmakers in these districts are going to Vulcan death grip you to fuck. Live long and fuck off.

Furlong:Roger Furlong quotes Scripture — 'Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them' — as self-aggrandizing introduction at the convention

Furlong:'Dead kids... That never sounds good unless you're a stressed-out single mom.'

Furlong:'There's only one midget I'm gonna let tell me what to do, and I'm gonna go tell her that I'm done.'

Furlong:'What's she gonna do, pin a dick on Gary and give him the job?'

Furlong:'Tough shitski'

Furlong:'30 years as a senator and your asshole's getting more screen time than your face.'

Furlong:'I understand you've been twirling Jonah's balls like they're some kind of exotic stress reducer.'

Furlong:'I wish someone would sexually assault my staff. And by staff I mean penis.'

Furlong:'I mean, which of us hasn't gotten off in some guy's junk? Just for a laugh?'

Furlong · Teddy:'I want you to use your dirty hands, clean out your desk. You're fired.' / Teddy: 'Everything I have done has been to serve you.' / 'And that goes double for fondling Jonah.'

Furlong · Will:Say it. / (CLEARS THROAT) How. / Me suck pee pee in teepee. / (LAUGHS) Atta girl.

Furlong:Step aside, roadkill. Big rig coming through.

Furlong:Hey, Grimace. What are you... no, no, no, not you. The other person in the room who looks exactly like Grimace.

Furlong:That is not an overvote. You need to trust me on this because I've been doing this since before your mother was throwing herself down the stairs belly first.

Furlong:You want me to get you some glasses? Maybe I'll call in Mayor McCheese? He can come in here and explain election procedures to you.

Furlong:(WHIMPERING) / Oh, I'm not... Tracy. Look, it's... you're wearing purple. All right? It's got nothing to do with your body shape or your... the way your head goes into your shoulders so smoothly.

Furlong:The restaurant confrontation: 'This is my fat johnson and you can suck it as long as you promise not to put your dirty gay mustache on it. What is that, some kind of side effect from your AIDS medication or did you shave it off of Freddie Mercury's corpse?'

Furlong · Mike:'Jesus, you think I married that?' / 'That's Will's wife.' — Furlong on seeing Will's wife at the table

Furlong:'Christ, she looks like a Batman villain.'

Furlong:And I said maybe you'd remember better if I fuck your brain through your ear hole.

Furlong:Good to be back in good old DC, away from the greed, the money, and the hookers.

Furlong:Jesus fucking Christ. You got to tell your sister to stop calling me.

Furlong · Will:It's looking tighter than Will's own butthole when he's got his finger jammed up there watching 'Bad News Bears' while he jerks off. / How tight is that, Will? / It's very tight, sir.

Furlong:Yeah, but I wouldn't take down the tampon dispenser in the Oval Office bathroom just yet.

Furlong · Will · Congressman Powder:Furlong to Congressman Powder about green beans: 'I'll give you a hint... looks like Will's wife's clit.' Powder guesses 'Mangos?' Furlong: 'No. Tell him, Will.' Will: 'Green beans.'

Furlong · Will:Furlong: 'That's why I spent two months jamming them into that school lunch bill like what, Will? Like me jamming anonymous trucker cock in my mouth at a public restroom well known for that purpose.'

Furlong · Kent Davison:Furlong on Kent Davison: 'You want me to call a Japanese porn shoot, see if I can get you a real job sponging up bukkake parties? Although you might have to lie about working for Meyer.'

Kent Davison · Furlong:Kent's response to Furlong: 'He's already got a job much better than sponging up jizz, right, Kent?'

Furlong:That sweaty pederast has ruined more kids than the Common Core.

Furlong:So, what is it? Speak, Professor X-Gayvier.

Furlong:Yeah, let me save you the peanut log you're about to squeeze out of your face anus here... no.

Furlong:You remain in detention on the Ethics Committee with the rest of the special ed Breakfast Club.

Furlong:Dismissed, GI Slow.

Will · Furlong:I'm free Saturday night. / I am shocked.

Furlong:Good luck getting your precious back from those mean hobbits, Sméagol.

Furlong · Will:What happens when you eat cheese, Will? — I go poo-poo in my panty-wanties.

Furlong · Will:Furlong repeats the 'poo-poo in my panty-wanties' exercise WITH PINKY, then Will gives the identical answer

Furlong · Will:Put Wisconsin at the top of my shit list. — You want me to bump Sammy Hagar? — Make them 1A and 1B.

Jonah · Furlong:Wait, so you need something from me? — Oh, no, it understands.

Furlong:You are going to invite me to dinner at your house or I am going to fuck all your shit up. And you're gonna make me the paella.

Furlong:Whoa, what's this, the fourth horseface of the Apocalypse? Jesus, Jonah, if you're gonna pay for sex, just add the extra two bucks for the premium edition.

Furlong · Shawnee · Jonah:Ah, Ms. Tanz! Rumors of your beauty have not been exaggerated. — Yeah, he's bringing me to dinner. We're engaged. — Wait, what? We are?

Furlong · Kent:Will one of you please bathe and dress him? — I call dress. Sorry, Kent.

Furlong · Julie (hearing 'end of time') · guest:I would sooner gouge out your eye and fuck your skull from here to the end of time. — That's what we're promised, that Jesus is our Lord. — Hallelujah. Amen, Dad.

Furlong:Say, Jonah, how about I start looking for that new office for you first thing tomorrow?

Furlong:Could you tell the Colossus of Chodes that this is the exact same goddamn office, only three floors down with a shittier view?

Jonah · Congressman · Furlong:Oh, really? Why are you picking me? — Because you're so tall. — Oh, God, who the fuck invited Dikembe Mutomtard?

Furlong:A little word of advice, Congressman, don't wear the shorts. Even Kobe Bryant wouldn't rape you in those things.

Furlong:Lookie here, we got old Jesus with a camel toe and his child molester goggles and the headband, of course, 'cause you don't want the sweat getting in your eyes when you're choking them out afterwards.

Furlong · Jonah · Selina:One... get the fuck away from me. Two... stay the fuck away from me. Okay? Can you do that? Yes, sir. I won't let you down. God, I love interns.

Furlong:Here, you want a dried apricot? They're Turkish. Anything I can do to annoy the Armenians.

Furlong · Jonah:Oh, hey, Jonah, can we get lunch sometime? I wanna talk about you being the legal guardian to my baby if anything happens to me and Mary, okay? Yeah, sure.

Furlong:No! From now on, I'm only buying senators and presidents.

Furlong · Jonah:We'll always have the shutdown, won't we? Huge miscalculation.

Furlong:Oh, no, Beautiful Mindfuck. You are not gonna desecrate my convention with more of this Muslim math nonsense.

Furlong:Because you were born with three umbilical cords wrapped around your neck, Hep C Kevin McHale.

Furlong:Right now, every Sunday pundit and poli-sci major is treating this brokered convention like it's a big-titted college gymnast whose daddy fucked with her just enough that she'll do some dirty shit, but she can still cum.

Selina · Furlong:Hittin' a little close to home there, Roger, minus the big-titted part. / We've never had a complaint, have we?

Furlong:...if we don't pillow-smother this sad grandma of a convention lickity-fuckin'-split, we are gonna wind up with four more years of Montez clogging up the White House plumbing with tampons.