In the Season 1 finale, an Ohio gubernatorial candidate balks at Selina's endorsement due to her current unpopularity, but Mike and Amy try to make the best of the vice president's emotions during their meeting. Meanwhile, Dan can't shake the clean-jobs bill debacle, especially when it could be the subject of a Congressional hearing.
Season finale escalates cringe comedy with 61 jokes across relentless character dysfunction.
Directed by Armando Iannucci · Written by Jesse Armstrong, Jesse Armstrong, Armando Iannucci
WAR
146.6
Wins Above Replacement
“Tears” ranks #39 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 92.9 — Elite. The episode packs 104 scored jokes at 2.9 per minute, averaging 7.4 on craft and 7.4 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Gary · Selina · Gary: I wouldn't worry about it, ma'am. / — / I mean, you've only got four years of this, so... / Eight years, I guess, if we got reelected, obviously. / 12 if you run for president. / 16, two-term. / So think about that.
Jonah: Do you want to know how toxic she is, Amy? Imagine something small has crawled up a dead cow's ass. And then that small thing actually dies itself. If that dead thing then farted out a sack of eggs, but each individual egg is a smaller, rotting dead thing, that's how toxic she is.
Jonah Escalation Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Furlong · Jonah · Sue: Holy Christ. Look at the size of this one. Buddy, I think you're as big as my gay dwarf. / I need to see the vice president now. / Sorry, I don't work here. I do work in the West... / Well, then get the hell out of my way, you leaning tower of... / Pisa. / No. / Shit? / Good. / Move it.
Dan: Yeah, you are. Like rubber Jesus.
Dan Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Callback Larry: You know those dreams where your football coach is screaming at you, you look down, you're dressed like Shirley Temple and then all your teeth fall out? / That's like a Disney version of a congressional committee.
Larry Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 104 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Gary: The thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic. We dress you wrong, you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating like a hog.
Gary Character Comedy Observational Selina · Gary: Have we heard from the president on the economic forum? Uh, yeah. Last I heard, he was three over par. Oh, forum's not happening. Potus took a golf day.
Selina · Gary: Do you know who he's playing golf with? No, who? No, no, no, who? Oh, you don't know and you want me to find out.
Dan Wordplay/Pun Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Dan: Still up here in Cleveland, huh, will? Just rutting around with the regional swine? Slaving away for Furlong?
Dan Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Will: Well, I am the senior advisor now. So I get free wi-fi. I'll be going to D.C. A lot more.
Will Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Dan: Oh, my God. With that provincial sensibility and that girlish figure, you're not gonna last.
Dan Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Furlong: Ah, I recognize you. You're one of Selina's little gay dwarves, aren't you?
Furlong Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Furlong · Dan: What, are you sappy? Is that it? Preppy? / Actually, my name is Dan Egan.
Furlong: She's about as welcome here as a turd in a hot tub.
Furlong Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Furlong · Will: We're having to bump our silver plates up to gold plates, gold plates are going up to platinum plates. I'd make more money if I installed will here as a full-time gloryhole greeter at a Georgetown gay bar. Which I'm pretty sure he already does part-time. Right, will? / Yes, sir.
Furlong Will Escalation Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Furlong: Send her to the rock and roll hall of fame. First time I took this kid, one look at Kurt Cobain's shoes, he was bawling like a fucking baby. 'It's too soon! It's too soon!'
Furlong Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: 'Not great, admittedly'? Yeah, that should be the title of my fucking memoir.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina: He's not outside here, is he? Oh, hi! Oh, my! Okay, great. All right, that's all I want to say to him for the rest of my life.
Selina Reaction Beat Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Amy · Selina: 66%. What? Approve. Oh! Sorry, disapprove. Oh. Dis— / You know what? You go ride with the security detail. There's no room for you in this car.
Amy Selina Escalation Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Furlong: I might as well nail a bunch of puppies to the ground and then start running them over and crush their skulls with my campaign bus.
Furlong Dark/Subversive Escalation Character Comedy Furlong: All right, well, all due respect, cock nugget, there's been a little too much of this informal understanding going on around here.
Furlong Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Furlong: And in that capacity, I have a duty to shine a light on any of this kind of backseat, finger-fucking insider bullshit, Dan.
Furlong Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Will: She seems nice. [said about Furlong after he threatens Dan]
Will Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Selina: 'Cause of that smiling secret service guy, Amy, 66% disapprove. That's everyone in America who's awake right now.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Observational Selina: How could that many Americans not like me? I think they got it wrong. They counted those numbers wrong or something. Or all those Americans are completely wrong.
Selina Character Comedy Escalation Callback Selina · Staff: Why have I been given this pig's blood? / It's tomato juice. It's the Ohio state beverage.
Jonah: Greetings from the clubhouse of power, Amy. You need to know that the White House understands just how toxic the veep is after these latest numbers.
Jonah Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jonah: Do you want to know how toxic she is, Amy? Imagine something small has crawled up a dead cow's ass. And then that small thing actually dies itself. If that dead thing then farted out a sack of eggs, but each individual egg is a smaller, rotting dead thing, that's how toxic she is.
Jonah Escalation Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Jonah: I know you're under a lot of pressure over there, so if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or a bootie to call on, you have my number...
Jonah Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Selina: Golf. You know, men walking around with sticks talking about their careers.
Selina Observational Character Comedy Will: Apologies, ma'am. 'Effed in the b-hole' across all networks.
Will Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Furlong · Will · Selina: I'm hearing that your credibility is... / Where is it located, will? / The toilet. / The toilet? / More accurately, the crapper.
Selina: Who are you? Who is this fucking infant?
Selina Character Comedy Reaction Beat Selina · Furlong: I don't even like you. / Right. / Right? And now I'm, you know, been told to come here and endorse you. So do you understand how embarrassing this would be for me now not to endorse you?
Furlong: Then I will reject the endorsement publically.
Selina: I know how to give a motherfucking speech. Don't you patronize me with your no jaw. You congressman no jaw.
Selina Character Comedy Escalation Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Selina: He was just not a nice man.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Gary · Selina: You know, my papaw used to say, 'it's always darkest before the storm.' So... / Oh, the dawn, the dawn. 'It's always darkest before the dawn.' And then he would kiss me.
Dan · Mike · Amy: Her crying was very authentic and humanizing. / Okay. / I like your thinking. / I actually found it slightly erotic, too. / I take it back.
Dan · Mike: That's why it took me so long to split up with Angie. She'd always cry, I'd always get a hard-on. / Now you've lost me.
Dan Mike Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Callback Dan: The crying game play, all right? All we've got to do is set her up and let the cameras roll. Then we've just got to tweak the tear nipple.
Dan Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Dan · Mike: How do we make it happen? / Could spray her with pepper spray. / Call her fat. Kidding.
Dan · Mike · Amy: It's Catherine, right? The absent mother blubber. / Genius. / Chinese daughter torture. It's a good one.
Amy · Mike: I can't believe we're doing this. / On the other hand, we are currently polling lower than a side of beef with eyes drawn on it, so...
Amy Mike Deadpan/Understatement Observational Dan: What is that, a fax? Is that a message to yourself from 1988?
Dan Irony/Sarcasm Observational Gary · Dan · Amy · Selina: Look who's playing golf with the president. / Danny Chung. / Chung. / Shut up.
Selina · Felicia: 24/7 doesn't leave you much time for your family, your daughter. / Well, I mean, it's a punishing schedule... Can you imagine, Felicia, if I'm tired, imagine how tired the rubber makers are here in Ohio.
Dan: She is magnificent. Making rubber day in and day out.
Dan Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Selina: I feel that Ohio is the rubber ball state, if you think about it. Always bouncing back.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Furlong · Dan · Will: I don't know what the hell she could have been thinking. / When was the last time you cried twice in one day? / It was a little more recently than you'd think.
Furlong · Dan · Furlong: I saw the meltdown. / Congressman, I saw passion. I saw conviction. / I saw a fucking crazy lady. That's what I saw.
Furlong: If she mentions my name, if I get the stamp of approval, the midas touch from Jenny shitfinger, I'm coming for you, pal.
Furlong Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: Oh, wow, look at this group. Are they gonna live long enough to make it to election day, right behind me? Probably not. Hello, children who do not vote.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Marcus · Selina: I made you a cake with your face on it. / Are you kidding me? Oh! That looks like me after a long day in the Senate.
Donor: Well, there's two types of people. You got grabbers. And then you have the other kind. I don't have a name for that. The ones who don't grab. The grabbers, right, they take the world by the scrotum, okay?
Donor Character Comedy Absurdist Selina: This is just riveting stuff.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Donor: You'd think with all the money I'm jerking up the wall here, I'd get more than a stuffed chicken breast. / I gave 30,000 bucks, I get a chicken breast. That guy didn't give 500 bucks, he's got a chicken breast. What do I get, stuffing?
Donor Character Comedy Escalation Dan · Larry: Hey. It's good to see you. / Why, you need a lawyer?
Larry: You know those dreams where your football coach is screaming at you, you look down, you're dressed like Shirley Temple and then all your teeth fall out? / That's like a Disney version of a congressional committee.
Larry Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Larry: 'Cause everybody wants to be the guy getting the TV sound bite, okay? And if they think you're going down and there's gonna be a kill, you might get what we call corpse fucking.
Larry Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Mike · Furlong · Dan: Sir, this crying is tracking pretty well. / What? / Oh, shit. / Yeah, it's good. / Okay, that changes everything.
Dan · Mike: Come on, what are you waiting for? Give her the signal. / What the fuck is the signal? / There's no international signal to endorse. Use your fucking head. Give her a thumbs up or something.
Selina: Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm an emotional time bomb. So here's an idea — let's put me onstage.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Dan · Mike: She can't cry three times in a day. That's three strikes and you're out. / How big are her tear ducts? / It's like they're fucking tidal.
Selina: I'm so glad to be here in the 17th state of the union. My grandfather, he was from Cincinnati... We used to say we're awfully embarrassed by our buckteeth. But we were mighty proud of our buckeyes.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Dan · Mike: Okay, endorse. Endorse. Endorse. / You're sure? / Endorse. Yes.
Dan Mike Escalation Character Comedy Callback Dan · Mike: What is that, Popeye? / No, be strong.
Dan Mike Reaction Beat Character Comedy Furlong · Dan · Furlong: What the hell just happened? / So great to be part of your feel-good moment. / You're a dirty little prick.
Furlong · Selina: Don't forget your booster seat. / Oh, shove it up your ass.
Selina · Amy: Hey, that photographer who reads lips, he's not here, is he? / Mm-mmm. / No. That's a blessing.
Amy · Dan: You know, my mom said that Selina looked human and vulnerable. / Great. / Not a compliment. / She sees human vulnerability as a weakness. / I like your mom. / Don't talk about my mother, Dan.
Amy Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: I've seen it, I've read it, I've eaten it, I've showered in it. I'm back, my babies.
Selina Character Comedy Escalation Dan: Yeah, you are. Like rubber Jesus.
Dan Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Callback Jonah · Mike: Potus is so excited about this new narrative. / I engineered Selina crying on camera. I'm the puppet master. I'm Pinocchio.
Dan · Amy: Pinocchio wasn't the puppet master, Mike. He was the puppet. / Uh, yeah, he was. / Five-year-olds get that.
Dan Amy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Jonah · Selina · Sue: I come bearing a message of support from the president. / Oh. / As you know, he called. / Sue, did the president call? / No. / Huh. / Well, it wasn't an actual call. / I am here in lieu of that call.
Selina: Oh, Mike. I am sorry for your loss. / Dan, you're getting a promotion.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Dan: I just signed for an auto lease. If I could get six months...
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dan · Mike: Thank you, ma'am. This is all I've ever wanted. / This is all I've never wanted.
Dan Mike Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Mike · Amy: Is he... is Dan my boss now? / Can I just say that this is really exciting to watch?
Mike Amy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dan · Mike · Selina: I guess I've got some business to attend to. / What business? / That's a need-to-know basis, Mike, and you don't have the clearance. / Funny. Is that true?
Dan: This is sad. You're like an old panda that's gonna get put down at the zoo. They bring kids in to watch that.
Dan Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: Amy, you pretended to have a miscarriage for me. You remain crucial to my policy team.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: Amy, you pretended to have a miscarriage for me. You remain crucial to my policy team.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Dan: Don't give me that sad orphan face. Take your little snack pack and your water bottle and get the fuck out.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Will · Dan: Congrats on the big promotion. You and I should grab another drink. / You know what? Run it by my secretary. His name is Mike.
Will Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dan: Relax, cow eyes. I'm not gonna be sitting here looking at your... cow eyes the whole time.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Gary · Selina · Amy: Twitter eruption. Veep's trending. / Amy, what's going on? / Um, you're trending, ma'am. / I'm on Twitter, but it wants me to create a new account. I don't know how to do that.
Amy: 'Got played by team veep. They wanted me to make her cry.' Hashtag FakeVeepWeep.
Amy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Amy · Dan: Mike engineered your crying, ma'am. He said that he was your puppet master. / Actually, he said he was your Pinocchio, but I think he meant Geppetto, who was actually the puppet master.
Amy Dan Character Comedy Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Furlong · Jonah · Sue: Holy Christ. Look at the size of this one. Buddy, I think you're as big as my gay dwarf. / I need to see the vice president now. / Sorry, I don't work here. I do work in the West... / Well, then get the hell out of my way, you leaning tower of... / Pisa. / No. / Shit? / Good. / Move it.
Furlong · Sue: Hey, sweet cakes. I need to get in to see the veep. / Congressman, if you call me that again, you'll need to see a paramedic.
Furlong Sue Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Will: The press claims that you intentionally cried in order to divert attention away from the fact that we had to bus people into the fundraiser.
Will Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina: Number one, congressman, I'm sick of taking your shit, okay? Number two, number one again.
Selina Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Furlong: What are you gonna do? You gonna choke me with some spanx?
Furlong Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: And this meeting is now terminated because this was never a meeting to even begin with.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Furlong: And a bulletproof vest and an iron jockstrap. 'Cause you're gonna get your head shot, your back stabbed, and your nuts danced on.
Furlong Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Selina · Mike: All right, you're gonna need to stay in your former position. / In your face, Dan. Mmm!
Selina · Mike · Dan: All right, you're gonna need to stay in your former position. / In your face, Dan. Mmm! / Um, ma'am, I may have already issued a press release regarding my promotion.
Dan · Selina: Um, ma'am, I may have already issued a press release regarding my promotion. / Really? / Well, can I unpromote you? I don't think so.
Mike · Selina · Mike: Is he my boss again? / Only in title, all right? You're still senior to him. / In your fucking face.
Will: Hey, Dan, I'm gonna take a rain check on that beer, okay?
Will Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Selina: The guy that I have just put in charge of rebutting is now in charge of rebutting questions over the Macauley amendment, which is the very thing he should be nowhere near rebutting.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina · Gary: See, now... now I want to cry. But I can't cry. / Can I get you a cup of tea? / Yeah. / You know, I mean, this job has fucked me up so bad. Now I don't fucking know if I can cry anymore.
Selina Gary Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Gary · Selina · Gary: I wouldn't worry about it, ma'am. / — / I mean, you've only got four years of this, so... / Eight years, I guess, if we got reelected, obviously. / 12 if you run for president. / 16, two-term. / So think about that.
Dan: Egan, all right? Dan Egan. That's Dan with a capital D and Egan with an open your fucking ears. Yes, E as in ears.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dan: Egan, all right? Dan Egan. That's Dan with a capital D and Egan with an open your fucking ears. / Yes, E as in ears.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Sue: No, she's busy. And tomorrow. / Well, that's tomorrow in the plural. / All of them.
Sue Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch