Tears

The thing about Ohio is the weather is completely schizophrenic.

you're either freezing like a popsicle or you're sweating like a hog. Or a ballerina or modern dancer.

Last I heard, he was three over par. Forum's not happening. Potus took a golf day.

Long time no cc.

Still up here in Cleveland, huh, will? Just rutting around with the regional swine?

Oh, my God. With that provincial sensibility and that girlish figure, you're not gonna last.

Ah, I recognize you. You're one of Selina's little gay dwarves, aren't you?

What, are you sappy? Is that it? Preppy?

She's about as welcome here as a turd in a hot tub.

I'd make more money if I installed will here as a full-time gloryhole greeter at a Georgetown gay bar. Which I'm pretty sure he already does part-time. Right, will?

We're trying to run a fundraiser and she's kind of toxic at the box office, all right? We're having to bump our silver plates up to gold plates, gold plates are going up to platinum plates.

First time I took this kid, one look at Kurt Cobain's shoes, he was bawling like a fucking baby. 'It's too soon! It's too soon!'

'Not great, admittedly'? Yeah, that should be the title of my fucking memoir.

66%. What? Approve. Oh! Sorry, disapprove.

I might as well nail a bunch of puppies to the ground and then start running them over and crush their skulls with my campaign bus.

All right, well, all due respect, cock nugget

backseat, finger-fucking insider bullshit

Don't endorse.

She seems nice.

66% disapprove. That's everyone in America who's awake right now.

It's tomato juice. It's the Ohio state beverage.

Amy, you're gonna have to start getting everyone to like me.

Imagine something small has crawled up a dead cow's ass. And then that small thing actually dies itself. If that dead thing then farted out a sack of eggs, but each individual egg is a smaller, rotting dead thing, that's how toxic she is.

Golf. You know, men walking around with sticks talking about their careers.

Apologies, ma'am. 'Effed in the b-hole' across all networks.

Where is it located, will? The toilet. More accurately, the crapper.

Do you sometimes think about, I don't know, I give you this and you give me that and black is up, but brown is down now? Do you know what I mean?

I mean, in life or even just with love, you know, I mean, at the end of the day, you know, aren't we just all finally just, you know, people?

Don't you say it gives you no pleasure. When anybody ever says that, all they mean is that it does give them so much pleasure. I know what that means.

Don't you patronize me with your no jaw. You congressman no jaw.

You know, my papaw used to say, 'it's always darkest before the storm.' It's always darkest before the dawn. And then he would kiss me.

I actually found it slightly erotic, too. That's why it took me so long to split up with Angie. She'd always cry, I'd always get a hard-on.

Then we've just got to tweak the tear nipple.

Chinese daughter torture. It's a good one.

we are currently polling lower than a side of beef with eyes drawn on it

What is that, a fax? Is that a message to yourself from 1988?

if I'm tired, imagine how tired the rubber makers are here in Ohio. Making rubber day in and day out. I feel that Ohio is the rubber ball state, if you think about it. Always bouncing back.

She is magnificent.

If she mentions my name, if I get the stamp of approval, the midas touch from Jenny shitfinger, I'm coming for you, pal.

I saw a fucking crazy lady. That's what I saw.

Are they gonna live long enough to make it to election day, right behind me? Probably not. Hello, children who do not vote.

Well, there's two types of people. You got grabbers. And then you have the other kind. I don't have a name for that. The ones who don't grab.

The grabbers, right, they take the world by the scrotum, okay? And they make it happen.

I don't know what to say, so I'm just whispering instead.

You know those dreams where your football coach is screaming at you, you look down, you're dressed like Shirley Temple and then all your teeth fall out? That's like a Disney version of a congressional committee.

you might get what we call corpse fucking. That's what it's called where they take your mortal remains and have as much fun with it as they can.

Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm an emotional time bomb. So here's an idea... let's put me onstage.

She can't cry three times in a day. That's three strikes and you're out. How big are her tear ducts? It's like they're fucking tidal.

We used to have a saying in our family. We used to say we're awfully embarrassed by our buckteeth. But we were mighty proud of our buckeyes.

Don't forget your booster seat. Oh, shove it up your ass.

I've seen it, I've read it, I've eaten it, I've showered in it. I'm back, my babies.

Yeah, you are. Like rubber Jesus.

I engineered Selina crying on camera. I'm the puppet master. I'm Pinocchio. Pinocchio wasn't the puppet master, Mike. He was the puppet.

This is all I've ever wanted. This is all I've never wanted.

This is sad. You're like an old panda that's gonna get put down at the zoo. They bring kids in to watch that.

Got played by team veep. They wanted me to make her cry. Hashtag FakeVeepWeep.

Holy Christ. Look at the size of this one. Buddy, I think you're as big as my gay dwarf.

'Cause you're gonna get your head shot, your back stabbed, and your nuts danced on.

See, now... now I want to cry. But I can't cry. You know, I mean, this job has fucked me up so bad. Now I don't fucking know if I can cry anymore.

I mean, you've only got four years of this, so... Eight years, I guess, if we got reelected, obviously. 12 if you run for president. 16, two-term.

That's Dan with a capital D and Egan with an open your fucking ears. Yes, E as in ears.