Jonah Ryan

Jonah:You, did you check the Wikipedia? Did they change her weight again? Somebody keeps hacking into the site and changing her weight.

Jonah:Oh, I wasn't asking you out. I don't want you to think that was a burn because I wasn't asking you out.

Jonah · Selina:Briefing room, N.S.C. meeting, hallway twice. / And in each of those did he say, 'Someone get this freak the fuck away from me'?

Jonah:Obviously they won't ask you guys because you have no... um, you just have other areas of expertise.

Jonah:The President of the United States of America is very keen... That your going to the fund-raiser should be fundamentally the sequence of events that does actually take place this evening.

Jonah · Amy:And I'd like you to watch your tone with me. / I will watch my tone.

Jonah:That address makes me hard.

Jonah:What colossal fuckup are we dealing with this morning? / Did the VEEP kill the last remaining snow leopard? / Did she firebomb a hospice?

Jonah · Amy:Uh, guys, a man is dead. / When a sexual harasser dies, we sign his wife's card. Okay? That's how Washington works.

Jonah · Gary:Are you here to steal the incorrectly-signed card? / Come on, no. / This looks really bad. / It's not bad.

Jonah · Gary:I want Amy to go on a date with me tonight. / Okay, okay, okay. That's impossible. / Don't worry about it, okay? We're not gonna have sex, all right? Because she hates me. / Okay. Uh-huh. / But Amy's an eight. / Okay. / And if all the other eights that I do want to have sex with see that I am eight-capable, then I'm going to be having sex with an eight very soon.

Jonah · Gary:It is intern season, Gary. / Do I look like a pimp to you? / You look exactly like a pimp.

Jonah:Hey, hey, it's the flunkies. And people say you're bad at your jobs.

Jonah · Mike · Gary · Amy:I work at the White House, so I can just walk in and say, 'I'm from the White House. What the fuck are you doing?' / What? You work at the White House? / Oh, my God. Can I blow you? / Uh, yes, you can. I will meet you out in the hallway in a few seconds. / Sure, I'll get a stepladder.

Jonah · Amy:Mint. It implies freshness, trust, traditional values. / Fascinating. / This is one of my areas. / Yeah, food choices. Seriously, put it up.

Jonah · Amy:Oh, swirl. Racial harmony and crossing the aisle. / So is cookies and cream.

Jonah:Oh, fuck you. No, not you, sir.

Jonah:I'm confused. Are we still talking about yoghurt here?

Jonah:i'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world.

Jonah:i'm sure his absence has nothing to do with your rift with the first lady.

Jonah:your husband was a massive player. politically speaking, of course.

Jonah:i guess all those tears must be dehydrating. / i don't think it works like that. / you know, i'll just get the water, okay?

Jonah:cock-blocking widow.

Jonah · Catherine:i'm jonah, by the way. i work at the west wing of the white house. / as opposed to what, the west wing of graceland?

Jonah · Selina:why wasn't i told about this? / why would you be told about that?

Jonah:you need to kill the dog. / not literally, but-- i mean, yeah, if it comes to it, then literally.

Jonah · Sue:hey, sue. / jonah. / you got a convenient opening i can slide into? / open up a slot for jonah? / there's not enough alcohol in the world, jonah.

Jonah · Sue:Hey, Sue. / Jonah. / You got a convenient opening I can slide into?

Jonah · Sue:didn't say no. / no!

Jonah · Dan:Look who it is, everybody! It's your favorite Jonah. / You're not even your mom's favorite Jonah, Jonah.

Selina · Jonah:Does he want to operate me by remote control? / No. That's not technologically possible.

Selina · Jonah:In spite of your preface, I did not detect a whole lot of respect in that question. / You know, I meant that more as a slight against the power of recollection of the electorate and not as an attack on the potency of your campaign.

Jonah:God, I love saying that. [re: 'I gotta get back to the White House']

Jonah:Hello, penis enlargement clinic.

Jonah · Mike:Mike, who is incompetent, you or her? Because she just talked about filibuster reform. / He asked her.

Jonah · Selina · Team:Bad news, everyone. [pause] A crane has collapsed onto a ship at Portsmouth, Virginia. / Oh, thank... / God, how horrible. / Wait, what was out of context?

Jonah:Thanks, Mike, but it's Sunday. I work hard, I work fast, and I get hot legs. I say let the whale hang loose. Who am I offending?

Jonah:Oh, the hot pants picked up some negative traction. I realize now they're unbecoming of my office.

Jonah:I got the latest Grisham on the go and it's just awesome. You should read...

Jonah · Selina · Amy:I'm fructose intolerant. / Fructose? / Fruit sugars. / It's very rare. / Oh. / Well, good luck with all that.

Jonah · Joe:Not a single frill. / When they bring out the bread, you check it out. It is a fuckload of bread.

Jonah:Oh, no. No way, dude. Fructose.

Jonah · Dan:I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't because I didn't know if you already knew, but my loyalty is with potus. / Bullshit. You didn't know he was gonna roll over on clean jobs. / Dan, I had a fucking idea.

Dan · Jonah:You know what, Jonah? I don't think that we should see each other anymore. / Come on. / Sorry. / So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to potus as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore? / What I'm saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon.

Dan · Joe · Jonah:You with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. / I don't like you, Dan. / Really? I think you do. I think you're a little sweet on me, Jonah. That's why you're so upset.

Jonah · Selina:Sorry to disturb you, ma'am. / And yet you are disturbing me.

Selina · Jonah:No, no, no, no, no. You do not do this to me. Do not say that it is obesity. Do not say that to me. / It's obesity.

Jonah:I'm sorry, ma'am, but you have drawn the fat straw.

Jonah:'One day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna find your lungs have turned to pastry.'

Selina · Jonah:Selina's baseball ignorance — 'all three players are starting pitchers': 'You don't have multiple starting pitchers. There's one pitcher's mound. You see one mound or three mounds?'

Dan · Jonah:Dan on phone: 'Oh, I take no pleasure in my colleague's very public, brutal...' — then interrupted by Jonah telling him to move away from the TV

Jonah:'You must have a huge schadenboner over this Amy flack.'

Dan · Jonah:'God, she is gonna go ape-shit menstrual over this.' / 'Hey, I'm on the phone with AT&T. Can you stop shouting "menstrual"?'

Jonah:'This is going in with the dirty dishes, man. For fuck's sake. If this is broken, I'm adding it to your fucking rent.'

Jonah:'White House is in the house. * Everybody say way-o! *' — presumably Jonah singing/announcing his own entrance

Jonah:'I love this part.' — Jonah's reaction while watching the video

Selina · Amy · Jonah:'All right, pack up your limbs and get the fuck out, Jonah.' / 'Is punching allowed?' / 'Oh, you wouldn't stand a chance. I have a much longer reach.'

Jonah:The press is calling the disclosure strategy an 'e-nami'

Amy · Jonah:The 'Washington Post' disclosure: emails suggesting a birthday gift of 'a cake in the shape of a dick' and 'a smart new hat in the shape of a dick'

Jonah:Jonah: 'Oh, that made it in there!' — realizing the dick hat email was released

Jonah:'Everybody knows this is me, guys.' — Jonah

Amy · Jonah:'West Wing, Jonah.' / 'No, who is DC?' / '...Uh, Dick Cake.'

Jonah:'This is gonna cause a total potal meltdown.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah reveals an email from Dan to Macauley's chief of staff: 'the senator says, "thanks, buddy"'

Jonah:Greetings from the clubhouse of power, Amy. You need to know that the White House understands just how toxic the veep is after these latest numbers.

Jonah:Do you want to know how toxic she is, Amy? Imagine something small has crawled up a dead cow's ass. And then that small thing actually dies itself. If that dead thing then farted out a sack of eggs, but each individual egg is a smaller, rotting dead thing, that's how toxic she is.

Jonah:I know you're under a lot of pressure over there, so if you ever need a shoulder to cry on or a bootie to call on, you have my number...

Jonah · Mike:Potus is so excited about this new narrative. / I engineered Selina crying on camera. I'm the puppet master. I'm Pinocchio.

Jonah · Selina · Sue:I come bearing a message of support from the president. / Oh. / As you know, he called. / Sue, did the president call? / No. / Huh. / Well, it wasn't an actual call. / I am here in lieu of that call.

Furlong · Jonah · Sue:Holy Christ. Look at the size of this one. Buddy, I think you're as big as my gay dwarf. / I need to see the vice president now. / Sorry, I don't work here. I do work in the West... / Well, then get the hell out of my way, you leaning tower of... / Pisa. / No. / Shit? / Good. / Move it.

Jonah:Oh, that's 'cause your laptop is still running on Windows 2000 and shit.

Jonah:Tonight there's gonna be a plane crash shunting a train wreck onto a crowded highway.

Jonah · Mike:Why, you got money problems? Not money problems, money challenges.

Jonah:Hey, we are ahead on voter turnout in Lake County, Indiana. J-dog out.

Jonah · Jonah's Stats Team:You're great news. You even aced POTUS. You're like Neo. What's a Neo? He's from 'The Matrix.' Everything he does is awesome. The first movie. The sequels sucked. Guys, we agreed to let 'The Matrix' debate lie.

Jonah · Dan · Jonah:So what format do you want this in? Excel? Pie charts? Just, like, in English. Is that a racist joke? Yeah.

Selina · Jonah:Jonah describes the North Carolina Pork Board pig picking; Selina asks 'Sounds classy. Will Kate Middleton be there?'

Selina · Jonah:Jonah: POTUS wants to 'utilize your people skills to kick off U.S., Hey.' Selina: 'That's what they're gonna call it?' Jonah: 'Yeah.' Selina: 'Who came up with that incredibly shitty name?' Jonah: 'That would be me, ma'am.'

Selina · Jonah:Selina: 'Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to fuck the pig before they roasted it.' Jonah: 'I wouldn't presume they took turns.'

Jonah · Mike:Jonah is ecstatic on Air Force Two, taking photos, asking Mike to take a picture of him looking out the window: 'Jonah. Jonah, calm down. It's a plane with a logo. It's not Space Mountain.'

Jonah · Mike:Jonah admits to Mike he has never been on Air Force One. Mike's exaggerated reaction: 'Oh!'

Jonah:Jonah parting the crowd with 'West Wing, West Wing. Pardon me. Coming through... Pardon me, West Wing. Pardon me. Excuse me.'

Jonah · Selina:Jonah tells Selina she needs to get Catherine to apologize 'unequivocally and immediately.' Selina: 'Yeah? Well, go shit yourself, Long Tall Sally...'

Jonah:Jonah on the phone to Mike about pork and Jewish sensitivity: 'Most Jews in this country are fine with pork. Pork schmork, they often say.' — then repeats it to Kent.

Jonah:Jonah to Mike: 'Most Jews in this country are fine with pork. Pork schmork, they often say.'

Jonah · Mike · Soldier/Guard:The hog-roast pig-blocking logistics: Jonah being asked to physically block the pig from view during Selina's pro-Israel statement; the hot coals problem; 'quit touching the pig, it's not a fucking petting zoo'; 'that fucker is skinned and roasted. He's at a huge disadvantage.'

Selina · Jonah:The pig fat jacket: 'What in the living fuck is that god-awful smell, Jonah?' Jonah: 'Oh, my jacket is partially soaked in pork fat, ma'am.'

Jonah · Kent:No, that's cherry red. — Cerise. — I'm sorry, sir. I must have a very specific form of color blindness.

Jonah:Here he is, Kanye West Wing.

Jonah:Cliff, when I said no jokes, that wasn't a joke.

Jonah:The only people watching this are you and some guy in the hospital with locked-in syndrome.

Jonah:I'm working remotely.

Selina · Jonah · Mike:This isn't a POTUS thing. Why is scrotus here? — Think of me as a cheerleader, Mike. — Oh, God. I'm imagining you in a bathtub full of rose petals.

Jonah:This is so awesome. I'll bet you camera three gets a kill.

Selina · Jonah:George, comments like that are incredibly inappropriate when people's lives are at stake. — I've got to get a refill here. Old jumbo needs a refill.

Jonah:Jonah finishes his sentence about what kind of person would be jealous — 'I don't know, dick, I guess' — delivered as a talking head cut away after a beat of silence.

Jonah · Selina:Oh, I came here to tell you that you're a meme, ma'am. I'm a meme ma'am? What are you talking about? Speak English, boy.

Jonah:You at the Declaration of Independence... With Mary Magdalene at the crucifixion, the 2004 tsunami.

Dan · Jonah:Good morning, Jonad. / You're pathetic. / Jonuts!

Jonah:Yeah, he's just feeling bad. He's... you know, he's sugary. Or he's not sugary enough.

Jonah:You've been following me like Nancy Drew and his butt-sniffing dog, and I'm the one that has nothing to do?

Jonah:Well, I might have nothing to do, gentlemen, but at least when I'm crying about it, I am crying about it in my car in West Wing Exec parking.

Selina · Amy · Jonah:Who the hell does he think he is? / 'George Dennis' of 'Le Monde' called the vice president a typical American hick. / I think it's pronounced Georges Denis. / I'm not a hick. Screw you, Depardieu.

Jonah:I just liked the song so much. And I thought you wanted it out there, so I just put it out there.

Selina · Jonah:I cannot believe that you put that out on Tumble. / No, Tumblr.

Selina · Jonah · Dan:All of your privileges are gonna be removed. / Okay, but not the parking. / Yeah, the parking. / Wait, what? You have parking? / Not anymore. / But I didn't even own a car. I just had to sign a two-year lease for the Nissan Cube.

Jonah:Pen. [beat] I leased a Nissan Cube from you the other day. What are my options if I don't need it anymore? Can I just give that back? / No? / [Sighs] Paper.

Jonah:Yeah, but you don't do it well and nobody believes you.

Jonah:Holy shit, grandpa, you probably still get your porn from magazines.

Jonah:Why do you hate numbers so much? Oh, God, you weren't molested by your math teacher, were you?

Jonah · Mike:Shit, maybe it was control A. I think you might have selected all and sent everything that was on that thumb drive. / That's what you told me to do. / No, I didn't. / You said command A. / No, I said control A. / You just couldn't hear me because you didn't have your ear trumpet.

Mike · Jonah:I feel like I want to burn this thing. Can I burn this computer? / Why would you burn that, Mike?

Jonah:Jonah: 'I just saw Mary King. Looked like she's been thrown up by a whale.'

Jonah:Amy receives the news that Ed Webster is here. Jonah: 'I think he's nervous. His voice sounded clammy.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'I wonder how much vodka we'd need to have to have a little Mrs. Robinson moment.' / 'That is extremely disrespectful.' / Jonah: 'That's like the highest compliment you can give somebody.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah revealing to Ed that Amy and Dan used to date: 'Amy and Dan used to date, FYI.' / Dan: 'Yeah, thanks for the backgrounding, Jonah.'

Jonah:Jonah's logic that calling the VP a 'Mrs. Robinson' is 'the highest compliment you can give somebody'

Jonah · Dan · Ed:Jonah to Dan: 'Does that mean you're back on the market?' / Dan: 'I'm sorry, are you hitting on my date during my date?' / Jonah: 'Are you on meds?' / 'Yeah, antibiotics. Just keeping fresh. I'm not mentally ill if that's what you're implying.'

Jonah · Dan · Ed:Jonah to Ed: 'So, Ed. Eddie. Who do you know? Do you know Ray McCaskill? We both are really into '80s buddy comedies, which is ironically how we became buddies.' / 'Fuck buddies.' / Jonah: 'Why are you here? You really don't have anything to do, do you?'

Jonah:Jonah to someone who claims to be a Quaker: 'Bullshit. No one's a fucking Quaker. You probably think that staying sober keeps you on top of your game. Well, guess what. I work hard and I play hard, bitch. That's my credo. I got that shit tattooed on my dick with room to spare.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'I work hard and I play hard, bitch. That's my credo. I got that shit tattooed on my dick with room to spare.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah: 'I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Just try not to embarrass yourselves while I'm gone.' / 'We'll give it a shot.'

Jonah · Selina:Jonah explaining the bad news: 'I think it looks like you guys are going to stab each other with steak knives.' / Selina: 'We're having a fight and we are smiling and putting a face on and you can do that, too. There you go.'

Jonah:Jonah's cockney London monologue: 'Pickle me eels and tickle me belly 'cause I am off to merry London Town for a right fuckabout, eh? Innit, though?'

Jonah:Jonah on London: 'It is a city where women are literally drunk all day. And I am going to mind their gaps, my friend.'

Jonah · Gary:Jonah calls Gary 'cum-for-brains' while explaining why he needs a passport renewal

Gary · Jonah:Gary has taken over as 'New Sue'; Jonah asks for an appointment in his entitled way; Gary says 'Suck it' and hangs up the phone

Garbage Man · Gary · Jonah:The garbage man tells Gary and Jonah 'It's mine now' regarding the trash they've come to reclaim; when Gary says it's a 'government matter,' the man says 'Are you threatening me, Pez head?'

Jonah · Gary:Jonah: 'Why don't you offer to blow him over by the recycled glass? It would throw up some interesting light effects. That would be romantic, wouldn't it?'

Jonah:Jonah calls the White House 'the Wet Wing' — 'Civilians love that shit. They get so hot for it, I call it the Wet Wing.'

Gary · Jonah:Gary: 'It's disrespectful.' Jonah: 'It's a building, Gary. It doesn't have feelings.' Gary: 'It has a spirit.'

Garbage Man · Gary · Jonah:The garbage man's counter-demand: 'I would like a visit from the vice president.' Gary and Jonah's dawning horror as he adds: '"Vice president applauds shit compaction."'

Jonah:Gary and Jonah in the compactor area; Jonah: 'I'm not getting in there.' Then: 'Oh, please. You think this is bad? Wait till you get to London. Everything smells like urine. Even the food.'

Jonah · Gary:Jonah climbing into the garbage-filled back seat: 'It's bigger than your mother's womb and you were in there till you were 15.' Gary: 'Oh, my God.'

Jonah · Sue · Gary:The garbage transport scene: 'We're gonna be the shitty Sopranos.' Sue: 'Just don't get any mess on my dress.' Jonah: 'My mess on your dress. I like this... sorry.'

Jonah · Selina · Sue:Jonah: 'Ma'am, I helped with the garbage.' Selina: 'Oh, you helped with the... with the garbage?' (pause) 'Sue. Could you get in touch with what's-his-fuck at the State Department.'

Selina · Jonah:Jonah asks Selina to fast-track his passport. Selina: 'Okay, Gary, get out. Go fuck yourself, Jonah.' Jonah cites being G8 advance team. 'Go, period, fuck, period, yourself, exclamation point.'

Jonah · Selina:Knock, knock, J Rock is in the-- / Whoa, whoa, whoa. / We're in the middle of filming.

Jonah:Jonah introduces himself to Janet: 'Guilty.' (when she describes him as 'one of the more colorful characters in the West Wing')

Jonah:Jonah offers Janet his card for 'inside the West Wing' appearances: 'I give great talking head.'

Jonah:We switched America back on.

Jonah · Dan · Amy:Jonah: 'I'm just gonna head back if anybody needs me-- West Wing.' / Dan and Amy: 'No one does, Jonah.' / 'No one needs you, Jonah.'

Jonah · Sidney Purcell:'I mean, that is tantamount to calling the President Jonad.' Purcell: 'No, it's not. He's the President, you're Jonad.'

Jonah · Sue · Ben:Jonah: 'Hello there, Susan.' Sue: 'Name's not Susan, it's Sue, Jonad.' Jonah: 'Okay, and my name isn't Jonad!' Sue: 'It's Jonah.' Ben: 'No one here is disrespecting you, Jonad.'

Jonah:Jonah makes his big decision pronouncement: 'Ca-fuckin'-pisce?' — then accidentally calls someone by the wrong name ('What in the hell is your problem, Andrew?')

Jonah:Jonah: 'I can even say your name the other way...' [pause] 'Haney.' [longer pause — the room processes this]

Jonah:Jonah immediately falls asleep/snores after his 'I handled that pretty well' declaration

Jonah · Amy:Jonah: 'Do I need to draw you a line graph, Jonah? More time equals less cuckoo.' / 'We need to take a cold dump on the speculation.' / 'the ring is a hat-free zone. No berets, no Stetsons, no beanies...' Amy: 'Why are you just listing hats?'

Jonah · Amy:Jonah: 'We need to take a cold dump on the speculation.' / 'We need to send the message that the ring is a hat-free zone. No berets, no Stetsons, no beanies...' / Amy: 'Why are you just listing hats?'

Amy · Jonah:Amy: 'Yeah, in 700 days of working with us, you've been right once.' Jonah: 'Sit like a gentleman, please?'

Ben · Jonah:Ben: 'Fix it, or I'll liaise your balls to your desk.' / Jonah: 'Yes, sir. And thank you for your continued...' Ben hangs up.

Amy · Dan · Jonah:Jonah: 'She can't do the Fun Run.' Amy: 'She can barely do a convincing walk at the moment.' Dan: 'Can and will.' Amy: 'Can't and won't.' Dan: 'Now go up and screw a pillow. The room's paid for.'

Jonah:Jonah's response: 'Oh, I can imagine that was very funny, sir.'

Jonah:Jonah: No, I just have a 'don't ask don't tell' policy about the things that I know. Or that I don't know.

Selina · Jonah:You like to have sex and you like to travel? / Yes, ma'am. / Then you can fuck off.

Jonah:But I shall be right here if you need me. Like the mighty oak that stands for-- ma'am.

Ed · Jonah · Amy:I feel as though I may have missed something. If you need to fill me in on that-- / Hey, what happened in there? / They're celebrating because you weren't in there.

Jonah:This is a restricted area. We're like Area 51 except more restricted.

Jonah:I don't know. Information-wise, I am becalmed.

Jonah:Make a hole, yo. POTUS coming through. Make a hole.

T.J. · Jonah:T.J.: You're not the president. / No, but you're not Justin Bieber either, are you, sport?

Jonah:Ma'am, of all the places that I have liaised, I have enjoyed liaising here the most.

Jonah · Selina · Jonah:Oh, hello, kids. / Oh, my God, have you been here this whole time? / M&Ms for the scientists.

Jonah:I got a jet here that could cut a fucking diamond.

Dan · Jonah:Pentagon Pam? / She give you any hint on the Maddox announcement? / Nah, she didn't give me anything. Except for flirty glances.

Dan · Jonah:What's that stubby thing you got there? / 'WestWingMan.net'? Never heard of this. / Come on, man. You're embarrassing yourself. / That's the hottest gossip site in DC. / Yeah? 'Lifting the lid on the Inter-agency Softball League'? 'Face to Face with America's Wind Tycoons.' Wow. This is some seriously butter knife-dull shit, man.

Dan · Jonah:It's you, isn't it? / Who told you that? / You just did, you dummy.

Jonah:Now if you will excuse me, I am at a wedding, and women at a wedding are like ripe fruit ready to drop. And I am a sex wasp.

Dan · Jonah:Gonna wash those paws, big guy? / Are you kidding? My pheromones make bitches moan. I'm gonna leave a trail right back to my apartment.

Jonah:'Team Veep goes into meltdown as Sec Def Maddox news breaks.' And upload the money shot.

Jonah · Dan:You guys are just like two little pretty Easter eggs. I'd love to crack you open. / Hey, Hepatitis-J.

Dan · Jonah:How's that pic you posted on your blog going, huh? / It's a hashtag hurricane, bitch tits.

Jonah:You don't think you should go fist a chimp?

Jonah · Dan:What's Google's number? / I don't know. Ask Jeeves.

Jonah · Security/Terrence:Hey. What's going on, man? What's crackin? / We got POTUS incoming? / May I see your White House pass, Mr. Ryan? / Uh, yes, sir. Absolutely. There you are. / Leave. / But I work here. / Not anymore.

Jonah:Sir, I think I've temporarily lost your meaning.

Terrence · Jonah:One, you were running a news blog while working in office. / It was gossip-tainment.

Terrence · Jonah:Two, you posted a photo, which roused the suspicions of the press. It has been forwarded to every hack in DC. / That wasn't me. And I deleted it. / Which made it even worse!

Jonah · Terrence:Sir, please, don't take this away from me. The West Wing is part of my DNA and vice verse. / Okay, this is a teachable moment, and I think... / You're embarrassing yourself.

Jonah · Dan · Terrence:Sir, I don't have anything else in my life. / He really doesn't. / See? Exactly. Thank you, Dan. / Fuck you, Dan!

Jonah:You think you've seen the end of Jonah Ryan? You haven't even seen the start of Jonah Ryan! I'm leaving here with my head held high and my nuts hanging low on your mom's chin, Martin.

Jonah · Guard/Security:I'll be back. I'm gonna be back as the fucking president. Jonah Ryan, 2026! / That's a mid-terms year, Jonah. / Well, then, I'll change it!

Jonah:What's up, y'all punk-ass bitches? I'm Jonah Ryan.

Jonah · Mike:So, you're probably bumming you can't be out on that boat in Baltimore Harbor with the Veep, huh? / Honeymoon. / Yeah.

Mike · Jonah:Yeah... but it's not a campaign office. / It's a real estate acquisition. / Oh, yeah. Of course, right. / A PAC-quisition, huh?

Jonah:DC insider turns DC outlaw, energizing democracy, taking from the powerful and giving to the pitiful.

Jonah:You've got her well trained already, Mike.

Jonah:Hey, Wendy, if you're grabbing beers, would you mind grabbing... / Okay, that's fine.

Jonah:This is Jonah Ryan and you are witnessing the birth of 'Ryantology.' / Old media like 'The Washington Toast' better go run and hide in the bathroom and join 'The Poo York Times.'

Jonah:I'm going to be updating more than I'm actually dating, which is a shitload.

Jonah:And now that the president's given his 'State of the Uterus' address...

Jonah:Boom, boom, shake-shake the womb! / Selina's calling in the contraceptistas!

Jonah:Mark, get a screen grab of that fetus from the end of 2001, all right? Send it to me.

Jonah:If this footage looks kinda like 'Cloverfield,' it's not because my hand's shaking, it's because a fucking earthquake just hit DC!

Jonah:You know what? Fuck HuffPo. They should be called 'Puff Ho' 'cause Arianna Huffington is a straight-up ho and all they do is puff pieces.

Jonah · Dan · Jonah:Dan, what the fuck are you doing here? / You shouldn't tweet your location to someone who wants to kill you. / Oh, so you do follow me.

Jonah:See, I told you, man. Two days up and we're already big. / This is what happens when talent meets opportunity. / Let's blow this thing wide open.

Dan · Jonah:You're looking kinda hungry, Jonah. / You want some of that burrito? / No? Hey, you, 'Ugly Betty,' give me that burrito. / Don't just give it to him, dude.

Jonah:Joke's on you, Dan, because I fucking love burritos.

Jonah · TV host:At 'Ryantology.net,' we have a saying... / which is that these issues are like a prism. / They have many sides. / Would you care to pick one? / Of course.

Jonah:Jonah: 'I'm like John Steinbeck in that regard... or Denzel Washington.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'Tell me your story. Question mark.'

Jonah · Amy:Jonah claims he 'dated' Amy; Amy immediately corrects 'We worked together'; Jonah: 'I was kinda Amy's boss at the time.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'What's the hold-up? President Lincoln should be back from the theater by now.'

Mike · Jonah:Mike calls Jonah 'Jonad' as an insult in front of the crowd; Jonah protests 'Real professional, Mike' as Mike chants 'Jonad! Jonad!'

Mike · Jonah:Mike begs Jonah not to run the cow story: 'I'm appealing to your better nature.' / Jonah: 'Mike, I don't have one of those.'

Jonah:Jonah over the Goober Peas performance: 'Tip that old Yankee gray!'

Jonah:After Mike's humiliating performance, Jonah reveals he's going to run the story anyway: "Mike, I'm absolutely running the story. And now the 'Goober Peas' and the begging, that's all part of it."

Jonah:Jonah reveals to Mike that everything — the begging, the Goober Peas performance — is all going to be published. 'You forgot to say it was off the record. That's like Journalism 101.'

Alicia · Mike · Jonah:Alicia to Jonah about the cow incident: 'I don't know what you're talking about.' / Mike: 'This is the problem with you new media guys. You don't check your facts.' / Jonah: 'I saw it happen!'

Jonah · Alicia:Mike McClintock called you a 'cow' earlier today. I wanted to know how that made you feel. / I don't know what you're talking about. / What do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about? I saw it happen!

Jonah:Jonah's fake dramatic reading of the fracking incident: 'And that's why drinking chemical sludge is good for you.' / 'But I've been drinking that frack water, and look what it's gone done to my titty milk!' / 'My baby, oh, my baby!'

Jonah:'And that's why drinking chemical sludge is good for you.' 'But I've been drinking that frack water, and look what it's gone done to my titty milk!'

Jonah · Sue:Sue-ster. Sue of steel. Sue-Sue-Sue-dio. / Jonah, get off the line. And then the planet.

Jonah:All right, the game is Texas Hold 'Em. There are no comfort breaks in this game. You're gonna sit there and piss your pants like a man while I take your money.

Jonah · Poker Players · Dan:Sorry, man. His site has traction. / My site has traction. / It was linked on Playbook this morning. / Oh, my God, yeah, did I tell you? My site was linked on Playbook this morning.

Jonah:That's your tell, Dan. That's a William fucking Tell. It's like an apple sitting right on your head, Dan. I can see it. It's plain as day. I call.

Jonah:See, I got one pretty lady, and, oh, look... she brought her sister, and... hello, honey. Three pretty ladies, like Saturday night at Chez Jonah.

Dan · Jonah:Destiny. / Clovis wants to buy Ryantology. / That's right! / Oh, my God. You see these brains? See why I'm pattin' 'em? Because they are made of solid platinum.

Jonah · Dan:Everybody who said that I would never make it... where the fuck are you now, huh? / Some of them are still in senior positions.

Jonah:Fuck you, Kent Davison. Fuck you, Mrs. Gravestock from the third grade. Fuck you, stepdad one and stepdad three.

Jonah:I think I just had a money-gasm.

Jonah:Chung's proud of his beatboxing, but what about the beating and boxing he did in Iraq? Proud of that, 'Guv'nor'?

Dan · Jonah:Jonah, we didn't get into this for the money. / You take that chicken soup and you shove it up your soul.

Jonah · Dan:Hey, pizza delivery, buddy. I got some meat you can put in your mouth. / You fuckin' asshole! / Hey, want a complimentary soda?

Dan · Jonah:Speaking of screwed, I heard you lost four million dollars. / Yeah. / I feel your pain. / I had to dump that 150 on purpose in the game today. / You fucked me, Dan. You fucked me with your face.

Dan · Jonah:Dan tries to make peace with Jonah. Jonah: 'Why the fuck do you care? Because you hate me.' Dan: 'All right, look, there's a fine line, Jonah, between hate and non-hate.'

Dan · Jonah:Dan: 'You attacked me with a burrito.' Jonah: 'And if I could turn back the hands of time, I would.' Dan: 'Oh, what, so you could do it again?' Jonah: 'No... The juice could have gotten in my eyes, Dan. The spicy burrito juice.'

Dan · Jonah:Dan: 'You attacked me with a burrito.' / 'And if I could turn back the hands of time, I would.' / Jonah: 'Oh, what, so you could do it again?' / Dan: 'No. The juice could have gotten in my eyes, Dan... the spicy burrito juice.'

Jonah:Jonah on his own desirability: 'People like me, people hire me, people date me, and people fuck me because I'm triple-A fuckin' awesome and no other reason.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'Why don't you scooch your little butt out of my fuckin' pantry?' / 'You know what? The only reason you have a fuckin' job is because your uncle is "Donald Chump." Wake up and smell the fuckin' burrito juice.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah: 'You know what? Selina's gonna lose and President Maddox is gonna have you both executed!' Dan: 'That's not even the way it works, you fuckin' idiot.' Jonah: 'Oh, yeah? Well, maybe you're a fuckin' idiot.'

Group · Jonah:The group approaches Jonah's door with Mike's specimen. 'Shh, shh. We do this... where is it? ...like a contract killing.' Knocking. Hurrying. Then: 'Hey, guys.' — Jonah opens the door.

Jonah:I understand that you only have them on lanyards. I want a lanyard with a retractable one. Do you have any idea who I am?!

Jonah:Shit the fuck... she said that?

Jonah:Steven, this is Jonah Ryan reporting to Team Maddox. I'm in London Town, and it's going to be a 'right royal cockney barrel of turnips' when I dish the dirt on Selina Meyer. Yes, sir, I'll stop using the accent.

Peter Mitchell · Jonah:Hello, Jonah. / Hello, sir. / Just buying some tickets for Madame Tussauds. / You're an imbecile.

Jonah · Stranger:Jonah waiting in the car park, nervously clarifying to a stranger: 'No, I'm not waiting on a guy to have sex with. I am waiting on a guy to talk... he's a reporter.'

Jonah:No. I... I'm not waiting on a guy to have sex with. I am waiting on a guy to talk... he's a reporter.

Rob (Daily Mirror) · Jonah:Why do you want to meet in a fucking car park? / I don't know, I just thought 'Watergate, Deep Throat.'

Jonah · Rob:She sounds like Mary Poppins on all fours. / You do realize Mary Poppins would be over 100 by now? / Yeah, and I'd love to sweep her chimney, eh?

Reporter · Jonah:You do realize Mary Poppins would be over 100 by now? Yeah, and I'd love to sweep her chimney, eh? If you know what I mean?

Rob · Jonah:So you Googled it. / No, I didn't just Google it. I found this thing called the 'Internet Archive'... / So you Googled it. / I Googled 'Internet Archive,' yes.

Jonah:You know how upsetting that's gonna be to fat people? All of America is fat people. That's all we have. All of our children weigh 300 fucking pounds.

Jonah · Reporter:I was wondering if you were available this evening... I've found a very charming gastropub. Uh, that sounds lovely. Brilliant. Text the details to my cell... mobile.

Selina · Jonah:Okay, my pretend friends. I gotta go back to DC. Something very big has happened and I've gotta be there. / What is it? / Daniwah!

Dan · Jonah:What, are you molesting coma patients? Is that a thing? I might, now. Maybe I'll just put them in some funny hats.

Jonah · Amy:Those flowers aren't for Dan? Oh, fuck, no. No, those are for my 'filthy Mary Poppins' and I'm gonna give her a 'spoonful of sugar.'

Jonah:My flight doesn't leave until tomorrow night, so I figured it makes sense for me to be on Air Force Two.

Jonah · Selina:My flight doesn't leave until tomorrow night, so I figured it makes sense for me to be on Air Force Two. / Uh, in what world would that make sense? You need to get on your running machine, and run away. / Running machines don't go anywhere.

Jonah:Hey, 'Dan Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.' How's it going, buddy? You gonna self-harm? Can I live stream it?

Jonah · Dan:I just want to say I'm sorry if I wasn't very sympathetic to your, you know, mental head issues. / Go fuck yourself, 'Jack and the Giant Freakstalk.' Your team lost, and you should be fitted with a leper bell, you sinking shit.

Jonah · Amy · Dan:Yeah, okay. / Boy, I do not know what I saw in you. / I do. He's a less talented ugly version of me. He's basically a human comfort blanket.

Jonah:Is there anyone else in our family that controls the senior citizen vote in New England? Because that'd be my next fucking call.

Jonah:Jonah: 'So I'm gonna go to Africa and help install sewage systems in poor communities or whatever. Or go to Wall Street, I don't know. One of the two.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah: 'But, Dan... I've never told a lie in my life.' Dan: 'That was a lie. Try to keep up, Egan.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'Three-pack-of-Kleenex Rachel? Yeah, I know Rachel.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah describes the meme of him 'fucking a chicken while dressed as bin Laden' and the debate over who is wearing the bin Laden costume.

Jonah · Dan:Jonah: 'I'm like a boom op on a porn shoot right now.' Dan: 'I can't have a terrorist chicken-fucker next to the president. Security risk.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'I'm like a boom op on a porn shoot right now.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah's negotiation demands: West Exec parking for the Cube, mess hall privileges, and 'somebody that works for me — a Jonah.' / 'And henceforth they will no longer be known as Jonahs. They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the fuck that person's name turns out to be. And you can't hire anyone named Jonah.'

Jonah:Jonah to Jeff Kane: 'I am just honored to be a part of your team. And I will serve you faithfully as long as you happen to be president.'

Dan · Jonah:Dan to Jonah (who wants a desk by the window): 'Yeah, Dan? Promise to jump out of it?' Jonah: 'Well, I'd be on the first floor, so that really wouldn't work, would it?'

Jonah:Jonah: Well, I'd be on the first floor, so that really wouldn't work, would it?

Jonah · Doyle:Ladies be crying, pimps be dying. It's Jonah Ryan. / Ah, I thought I heard a little girl's voice. I was right.

Jonah:And that was just Dan.

Jonah · Doyle:How's it hanging? / You know, pretty good. Like a strap-on in a porn dungeon... rock hard and covered in pussy juice.

Jonah · Doyle:You like that? I got a ton of them. You can ask me again. / Hey, how's it hanging? / Like a fat meat fence post...

Doyle · Jonah:I need you to spy for me. / Yes, sir. / Selina freezing you out, old-timer? / Oh, absolutely. Cycle of abuse continues. Like the Catholic Church. / Yeah, or an Arkansas wedding.

Doyle · Jonah:Lean down, high five.

Jonah:Oh, hey, if any of you new bitch puppies need help finding the mommy teats around here, you can just ask a West Wing vet, 'kay?

Jonah:Oh, how's the new veep's office? / What? / The new veep's office. / It's great. Why are you even asking? I mean, it's so good. It's fucking... it's great. Me, Doyle. I mean, come on, Teddy. Of course, Teddy. So good over there, guys. So good.

Jonah · Gary:Vampires! / God, stop! / If I was a ninja, you'd be dead right now. That's a life lesson courtesy of Jobi-Wan Kenobi.

Jonah:Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable at the book depository next door?

Jonah · Doyle:Sir, can I sit down? I think I split my diaphragm. / I need you to run.

Teddy · Jonah:Better think of a way to make me feel good. / Okay, of course. I could go get you some Pringles or...

Teddy · Jonah:Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. / All good? / Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Jonah · Dan:So there wasn't even like a little part of you that thought I was gonna be in these talks? / Okay, look, just sit there in the meeting and let me take the lead. If I need your help, I'll give you a signal. / Okay, what's the signal? / There's not gonna be a signal, Jonah.

Jonah:I really like your office. This is a great office. The way you've arranged the furniture. This horse guy over here, that painting. This is the nicest office I've ever been in.

Congressman Pierce · Jonah:And on my desk here, you see I keep a box of coupons. I clip them myself. And this is to help me to remember to be economical. / That is a fantastic idea. I'm gonna take a page. I'm gonna do this myself. / Did you know that a lot of these have expired?

Jonah:Well, you know, we're all getting together for a little hang at the White House bowling alley tomorrow night. Throwing strikes with the President of the United States.

Jonah:She's probably not a very good bowler. You might even be able to beat her.

Jonah · Richard:Beep, boop, beboop. Hello? / Yeah, hi.

Jonah · passing staffer:You are in the J-Corps now and we own these hallways. / Hey, Preppy Longstocking. / Yeah, your fat mama.

Jonah:The president and I, we're like this. You know, not to scale, obviously.

Jonah:I'm flying solo. I'm fucking Amelia Earhart and I'm still doing a better job than you.

Jonah · Teddy:You would not believe the day that I'm having. / Oh, what a day. / I feel like this is gonna be a key scene in my biopic.

Congresswoman · Jonah:I am sorry. There's a lot of Navajo in my district. This painting thing is escalating. I'm afraid I'll have to postpone. / About that screening with Marty... you ever see 'The King of Comedy'? / I haven't. / It's a good one. Underrated.

Jonah:Great, or at least between me and Teddy.

Jonah:Great, or at least between me and Teddy.

Jonah · Richard:Oh, 'sir.' I like that. I'll get used to that. / Keep doing it. / Yes, sir. / There it is again. That's twice. Come with me.

Jonah · Richard:See that? / It's kind of how we do things here in 'the Wing.' / Now through this door is the Oval Office. / Fudge me. No. / Yeah.

Jonah · Richard:Now through this door is the Oval Office. / Fudge me. No. / Yeah. / You are like the coolest guy I've ever met.

Dan · Jonah:What about your side dick here? You tell him stuff? Oh, God, yes. He was more involved than I was. He was up to his thighs in it.

Jonah · Party supply man:Oh, I bet this baby could sure spill a lot of glitter, am I right? Put it down. That thing goes off in your face, the surgeon will be tweezering tiny shamrocks out of your eye jelly for a week.

Jonah:'Eye of the Tiger'? Any controversial lyrics in that?

Jonah · Dan:Hey, Egan, VP wants to see the P. He thinks a bigger head needs to roll, okay? Like a massive Easter Island-sized head. Hmm. No. No. Look at me, I've got a small head. I could wear a child's hat.

Jonah · Dan:Besides, I know about you spreading the Danny Chung torture rumor. Well, that's useless leverage right now, Jonah, because you have all the credibility of someone who hacked the medical records of a sick child.

Jonah · Dan · Richard:You were firing me? What the hell was that? Nothing. It's just jock stuff. You know, just guys having fun. That isn't, Jonah. That's sexual harassment.

Dan · Jonah · Richard:Jesus, does he do that to you all the time? No, not all the time. Sometimes, but not all the time. It's just high spirits.

Richard · Jonah:Mr. Ryan, so they were out of tuna melts, so I improvised and I got you this lobster curry roll. All right, look, zip it, Jeeves. I'm in the middle of firing your boss.

Richard · Jonah:Wow, over the campaign data thing? The I Care mailer. All right, no? I'm picking up from your facial cues that you don't know. Here's four verbal cues for you... 'Tell me now, asshole.'

Jonah · Richard:Okay, Yogi and Boo-Boo, you say nothing to anybody. You understand me? Yes. Well, obviously you don't, 'cause you just fucking spoke. Oh.

Jonah · Richard:Why are you using the urinal next to me? You leave a gap. I've already started. The little one gives me splash-back. Still, you leave a gap. We're not piss buddies.

Jonah:Damn, that's some kind of prostate control. Treasure it, my friend.

Ben · Jonah · Richard:So, you want to know if the president told me who she's firing, right? Yeah. It's me. You don't tell anyone until she's made an announcement. You got it? Yeah, not a word. You swear by everything you hold dear in your hand right now? I do. I swear on King Danny.

Jonah · Aide:L is for ladies who play tennis, G is for guys who do other guys, B is for bisexual — I couldn't think of one to go for that — and T... — Is for tucking it in or tacking it on.

Gary · Jonah:It's transgender, actually. — Thanks for killing my joke and then mutilating it.

Jonah:Well, as my grandfather never said, let's go be inclusive.

Amy · Jonah:What the fuck? Did you just throw Kent into the blender to save your own ass? — Not fully into the blender. Maybe just a little bit. Just the toe, 'cause...

Jonah:Oh, I can ride her hard, hang her up wet.

Kent · Jonah:Jonah, I know something's happening at the VP's office. Oh. Okay, you do. — I need you to tell me what's going on. And, uh, do I have to tell you that right now? — Yes, you do. — I was thinking we could stop for a coffee.

Jonah · Kent:Uh, Teddy's been touching me. — Or tea. — Uh, just processing that.

Jonah:Um, he... He... he cupped my testicles. — On another occasion, he patted or tapped on my testicles. — And then on another occasion, he held my testicles for a significantly long time.

Catherine · Kent · Catherine · Jonah · Kent:Guess what. I just got engaged. — Are you fucking kidding me? Catherine's there, too? — Hi, Jonah. Jason proposed and I said yes. — Well, shit, congratulations. — Marriage is good. — It's a fine institution.

Catherine · Kent · Jonah · Sue · Jonah:Don't tell my mom. I want to surprise her. — Jonah, is there anything else you want to tell us? — I don't know. Is there anybody else in the room? — Just myself and Bill again. — And I'm here taking notes. — Sue's there?! Fuck! — Okay, well, no. There's nothing else that I have to say.

Jonah · Catherine · Jonah:Hey, Catherine, about earlier. — The molesting. — What? — Hmm? — Wait, what? — Hey, look, there's your mom.

Dan · Sidney · Jonah:Dan being sent to get coffee for the zucchini farmer and Jonah — he's become the coffee boy

Dan · Jonah · Richard · Sidney:The coffee machine is claimed to be 'on the fritz' but Dan was told it worked fine earlier — Jonah obliviously orders a soy cappuccino anyway

Jonah:Jonah: 'I'm the wheel-greaser. I'm the puppet master. A man of many nicknames. Poonslayer.' (phone buzzes) 'When I'm online. Video games?'

Jonah:Jonah describing himself: 'I'm the wheel-greaser. I'm the puppet master. A man of many nicknames. Poonslayer. When I'm online. Video games?'

Dan · Richard · Jonah:Dan claims Amy and he are 'closer than two fat guys in an elevator'; Richard immediately claims he 'used to date' Amy and knows her 'inside and out'; Jonah says he'll call her too because 'Ames' is actually 'long for Amy'

Dan · Jonah · Richard:Dan discovers Amy has quit via mass text — 'Holy shit, Amy's gone' / 'Holy shit, that's insane. Wow, I'm getting the same thing, guys. Maybe we're getting the same text message. Oh, yeah, we are.'

Jonah · Gary:Gang? Did you all have tattoos? How did you get into this gang? Did you have to kill a guy? You could pardon yourself now.

Jonah:Yeah, help you forget about being molested. That's loud. I'm sorry.

Jonah · Richard:Mr. Ryan, did you get my sashimi? No, sir, I will get it right now. It needs to be at room temperature, otherwise it just tastes of cold.

Jonah:Sa-shi-mi. Listen to the shus and the mis. Are you hearing this? Sushi.

Jonah:Wait a minute. What are we laughing at here? I don't get it. Oh, duck 'cause I ducked. Very clever. Very funny. I'm laughing, too.

Jonah · Richard · Ben:Maybe we could play some exit music or maybe push the button that drops the balloons. Shit, that's a great idea. Drop the balloons. Do we have balloons? No. That was just an example. Why the fuck did you bring up balloons if we don't have them?

Jonah:He's going freestyle. God, that is so fucking gangster.

Tom James · Jonah · Richard:Jonah Ryan. That's a name that keeps popping up. Well, I'm a pop-ular guy. Richard T. Splett. Don't know why I said T. My middle name is John.

Jonah · Richard:Hey, we should have you apologize for all our screwups. Hurricane washout. Leon West 'detention.' The data breach. Oh, yeah, that thing with the HIV girl. Yes. Wow, that HIV girl.

Tom James · Jonah · Richard:Wait a sec... If I didn't know better, I would suspect that there was another data breach. Really? I mean, there isn't. No, because I would know about it. Mm.

Tom James · Jonah:Benjamin, you wanted to see me? Is this where I get whacked? Oh, no, sir. This is where we all blow you because you were so freaking great.

Jonah:He's like your dad except he's nice.

Ben · Jonah:What the fuck are these guys doing here? Every player needs to roll with a crew, Ben. That's the truth from the street.

Richard · Ben · Jonah:I'm more of a white Russian man myself. Here, take that. Okay, I guess that's fine also. Have a seat. Not there. No. Wasn't going to.

Jonah · Richard:He's really good. It's because there's seven of us. I meant as a politician. I know. Yeah, it's... yeah.

Jonah · Richard:'But what if it was gone?' / 'Oh, that's a good point.' — Jonah's non-argument convinces no one but himself

Congressman · Jonah:'So you're the best the White House has to offer?' / 'Yes, sir.' / 'Two giant children in their dads' suits.'

Jonah · Richard:'We have a folder full of numbers here, and I think you'll find these numbers just to be great, great numbers.' / 'Saying what?' / 'Uh, Richard, what do the numbers say?'

Jonah:Jonah offers web design services to the congressman as a lobbying tactic

Jonah:'You shit-eating cocksuckers.' — Said by Jonah or Richard in defense of Pierce's mother

Jonah · Amy:'I'm sorry, Mrs. Pierce. How dare you come in here and try to strong-arm a person when he's sitting at his sick mother's bedside?' / 'That's exactly what you just did, dumbass.'

Jonah:'I am surprised the two of you even found your way out of your own mothers' vaginas.'

Jonah · Dan:'Dan, get out of my car.' / 'Do you think I want to be in this fucking Minecraft piece of shit?'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah's car won't start; he reverses as a fix; Dan points out he should just go straight — 'I took a precision driving class, Dan. I think I know what I'm doing.'

Amy · Jonah:Amy and Dan stopped at the White House door: 'You can't come in. That comes from the president.' Amy: 'Well, she's a bitch.' Jonah: 'I'll tell her you said hi.'

Anchor · Jonah:Hey, wait, it's the testicle man. Guilty as charged. Check 'em, don't neglect 'em.

Jonah:That hearing was terrible, but it really got my face out there, you know?

Jonah:O'Brien can't be president. He's still contracted to be the KFC logo.

Jonah:Sorry for your loss, ma'am. I mean about Wisconsin, not a person.

Jonah:Ow! Fuck! I forgot. I have incompatible shoes with the rug.

Jonah:Everybody give it up for Band of the Horses. / Wait, what? / Oh, Band... Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Give it up for Band of Horses.

Jonah:I just want to say thank you for supporting the men's health campaign and letting me tell guys that they should feel themselves up. Easiest job I ever had.

Jonah:You guys remember the A-Team, right? 'I'm the A-Team.' Mr. T... they were supposed to be on the run, but they were in a really distinctive van. Yeah, what was up with that?

Jonah:I'm hearing a no.

Jonah:Holy mother of moly.

Tom James (interrupted) · Jonah:My grandmother survived the Dust Bowl. And before she died at the age of 89, she told me a secret that she kept for almost 50 years. The story concerns... Ladies and gentlemen, Tom James.

Richard · Selina · Jonah:I actually did my doctorate in recount procedures in the West. / Excellent work, Richard. Richard works for me. / You have a doctorate? Two. Constitutional law and veterinary medicine, which was my fallback. / But you were getting my coffee.

Jonah · Richard:She's Uncle Dursley and she's got the great wizard Harry Potter living under the staircase. Do you see that? But what happens in the Harry Potter books? He rises up and he kills all the muggles. / I don't think that's what happens.

hotel clerk · Amy · Richard · Jonah:If you do not have a reservation, we are sold out. There are no more rooms at this hotel. / Richard, have your people check us in. We're going to the lounge. / Jonah, take care of that. / Cliff, would... / Cliff?

Richard · Jonah · Cliff:Richard, have your people check us in. We're going to the lounge. / Jonah, take care of that. / Cliff, would... / Cliff?

Jonah:Excuse me, are you in line? / Does anybody know where the line ends?

Jonah:Excuse me, are you in line? / Does anybody know where the line ends?

Jonah:Yeah, I'm gonna be pulling down Clint Eastwood cowboy movie style pussy in these things. Except I'm not the man with no name. I'm the man with mo' game.

Jonah:Can Paul McCartney teach Kid Rock how to be a good songwriter? I mean, that's a bad example. Kid Rock rules, but...

Jonah:Jonah Ryan, Senior Deputy Recount Strategist for the Meyer campaign. Would it be all right if we waited for your husband inside? I think I have a small blister.

Jonah · Richard:Alav hashalom. Hebrew. / Maybe you should put on your regular shoes for a little bit.

Gary · Jonah:He just seemed like the same old Bob to me. / Ma'am, this morning he told me the Jews cause hurricanes.

Jonah:'Ned Mitchell died in 2006. And the 'Las Vegas Gazette' stopped publishing in 2007.'

Jonah:'I was able to get in touch with Susan Bailey at the 'Reno Star,' which is not a newspaper, it's a legal brothel. But she did seem excited to help the campaign in whichever way she could.'

Jonah:'Alzheimer's or no, I image-searched Susan Bailey and she is legit fuckable.'

Jonah:Alzheimer's or no, I image-searched Susan Bailey and she is legit fuckable.

Jonah:'Honestly, her rates are reasonable.'

Jonah:'Yeah, turns out he's nuttier than a squirrel's diaper.'

Jonah:'Holy bacon double Asperger's.'

Jonah · Ben:Okay, we got 'Count Totes the Votes.' / What is that? What's 'totes'? / Totes, like all. Count all the votes.

Dan · Jonah:My rusty sheriff's badge? / Oh, I'm sure that showing your anus gets you into all your regular social clubs, but this is the White House mess.

Jeff · Jonah:There's only one name on it. [cut to Jonah at the Ryan family Thanksgiving]

Jeff · Jonah:No, I want you to run. / You want me to run his campaign? / No, Jonah, I want you to run for the seat.

Jonah:Dear Lord who guides me and nourishes me, I set foot on this path that you have laid before me with a strong arm and a willing heart to totally rock this shit. Amen.

Jonah:The Jonah Ryan story, chapter five. The House kneels before the fucking J-man. I'm running for Congress!

Jonah · Richard · Jonah · Richard:Ain't a challenge been invented Jonah Ryan can't do. / Ice bucket challenge. You backed out of that. / Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick. / Well, it did raise a lot of awareness for whatever ALS is.

Jeff · Jonah · Jeff · Jonah:Who is this man? / Richard Splett. / Splett? / Splett.

Jonah:I went to the White House on a three-week placement. I'm a MRSA infection. You don't get rid of Jonah Ryan.

Mrs. Ryan · Jeff · Richard · Jonah · Richard · Jonah:Jeff. Jeff. / Hey, leave it. / I don't want you screaming at Joni. / Congratulations, sir. May I be the first to join your campaign? / Absolutely, chief of staff. / Please let me earn it. / There will be a vetting process.

Jonah:Jonah Ryan campaign ad — 'I grew up right here in the awesome state of New Hampshire. The Granite State of the United States.'

Jonah:Oh, surprise, surprise. Look who's here. / Do you morons really not understand that this is a two-way mirror? / Seriously? Are you shocked by that technology?

Jonah:I work in the fucking West Wing, you Pepperidge Farm ad motherfuckers.

Jonah · Focus Group Members · Richard/Staffer:Fuck you. / Watch your mouth. / Sit your fucking mom jeans ass down, dude. / You've got to learn to control your fucking temper!

Richard · Jonah:Sir, as your director of communications, I need to tell you that we just got a letter from the band Rush. / Really? / They said that we can't use the song 'Working Man' anymore because they find you odious.

Jonah:You know what? I play what I want. Copyright shit went out with the Zune.

Jonah · Amy · Richard · Catherine:Whoa, I'm sorry. What are you doing here? / Hello, Jonah. Richard. / Hi, Catherine. / When you talk to me, you ruin the film. / Always a pleasure.

Richard · Jonah:Tom Petty says we can't use 'Won't Back Down' anymore. / Okay, well, fuck him if he thinks I'm gonna back down. That's, like, the whole point of the song.

Richard · Jonah:Also, sir, some bands we haven't used have sent some preemptive cease-and-desist orders. Sting, Bruce Springsteen... sent two letters, actually... and Enya. / Enya? / Send her a fucking cease-and-desist letter.

Dan · Jonah:The widow's beating you by 30 points. / She's a retired second grade teacher, for Christ's sake. / Yeah, who sucks and gives too much homework. / She's your second grade teacher? / Yeah.

Heckler · Jonah:You suck! Go back to Washington. / I think she did a fine job screwing up the country all by herself.

Dan · Jonah:I guess when he had cancer, the doctors removed his ability to stop doing his kid's babysitter.

Jonah · Mrs. Sherman (Judy):Good morning, Mrs. Sherman. / I still remember that lovely macaroni portrait you made of your mother. / I don't recall that macaroni portrait, Mrs. Sherman.

Jonah:Did you hear that dig about the macaroni portrait? / Can you fucking believe that?

Selina · Dan · Jonah:Put that world's tallest pile of garbage on the phone right now. / It's the president. / Fuck... / Hello, ma'am. / Hey, hunchback.

Jonah · Dan:She hung up. / Fuck her. / You know, Selina Meyer is a second-rate mediocrity whose only achievement is single-handedly tanking the economy. / But somehow we're the losers doing anal with each other? / Her entire presidency has been one disgrace after another. / She has never respected me. / And I'm bad at my fucking job? / Fuck! / You know what? That's bullshit. / You're doing a good job. / Oh, fuck off. / No, this glasses shit, that was dope. These look great. That was a great idea.

Jonah:Yo, Granite State. Hey, how you feeling? / I see that Mayor Block isn't here tonight. Guess he couldn't get a babysitter. Or could he?

Heckler · Jonah:You suck! Go back to Washington. / But, yes, I was in Washington. / And I worked a very high-level, important job. / You helped Selina Meyer screw up this country. / I think she did a fine job screwing up the country all by herself.

Jonah:My name is Jonah Ryan and I want to be your congressman. And I won't back down. Thank you.

Jonah:My name is Jonah Ryan and I... CROWD: Won't back down!

Jonah · Dan:How am I not on 'The Hill's' 50 Hottest Staffers list this year? This year? It's the 50 Hottest Staffers, Jonah, not the 50 people most likely to kill themselves before trial.

Jonah:I am on a career rocket ship to Mars right now, Dan, except I'm gonna leave Matt Damon there because the guy made potatoes in his own shit like a fucking animal.

Jonah:Well, as the late, great Lionel Richie once said, 'Oh, what a feeling, I am dancing on the debt ceiling.'

Jonah · Dan:New Hampshire loves my zingers. It's my personality that has gotten us this far. No, I am the one who got us this far, you sentient enema.

Jonah:Feel my dick. I am rock-hard for you right now, mister. You think I'm kidding. Feel it.

Jonah:I don't know. Maybe I was supposed to learn it in the second grade, but my teacher was a fucking bitch.

Jonah:Hi. Jonah Ryan. Thanks for coming out tonight. Let me know if you have any questions. Hi. Jonah Ryan. Running for Congress and I hope I can count on your support.

Jonah · Polly:Big shoes. You know what that means, right? Uh, big feet? Can't argue with that. Maybe you should run for Congress.

Jonah · Teddy:What are you doing here, Teddy? I'm looking forward to some bowling. Although pocket pool is more my game.

Jonah:I was a victim, but I am not gonna let you define me. Nice blog, Mary.

Jonah:You know what? People like you, you look like us, but there's a little piece missing. You're like a different species and one that I hope gets struck from the Earth because you're a bully and Jonah Ryan stands up to bullies.

Jonah · Dan:Fuck me, Amadeus. Can't even see the guy that Jonah's yelling at. God, Polly's not gonna think that I was yelling at her, will she?

Dan · Richard · Jonah:Wait a second. Richard, tell me you have that from the other angle. Oh, definitely. [FOOTAGE: Teddy shown] What are you doing here? You did the same fucking thing! Literally. Oh, yeah, you know what? You're right, I did the exact same thing.

Jonah:No, I don't interact well with hag-ass old bitches.

Jonah · Jeff · Selina:Jonah voting: 'Who should I vote for, huh? Pow, pow. Who should I vote for? You can't teach that.' / 'I hope he votes for himself.' / 'I'm sorry. I need another ballot. I just need another ballot. Pow, pow.'

Selina · Jonah:Congressman Ryan. / Hello, Madam President. / Or should I call you colleague now? / I wouldn't.

Jonah · Selina:Ma'am, while I have you on the phone, New Hampshire is struggling with an epidemic of opiate addict... / Yeah, I'm not gonna...

Jonah:I like what you did with your hair. Do you like what I did with my life?

Jonah:I think that you are the spaz.

Jonah:Jimmy O'Connor, I've been waiting 20 years to say this to you... I think that you are the spaz.

Jonah:Through it all, there was one person who truly believed in Jonah Ryan and that was Jonah Ryan. This is my dream, that you can believe in yourself so hard that you eventually become a congressman.

Jonah:This is my dream, that you can believe in yourself so hard that you eventually become a congressman.

Jonah:I went home with a congressional fan girl last night... She's got a fucking parrot, and if the parrot wakes up, the parrot's gonna make noise and wake up her mom.

Jonah · Richard:Bring me a change of clothes and come and get me... Well, it's a really intuitive feature. Do you have iOS 9.2.3? Shut up.

Jonah:I couldn't find my clothes. I had to get this out of her dad's closet. She already told me she was a senior at Georgetown. Turns out she meant Georgetown Day School. She's on the math team.

Jonah:How am I doing? Eating so much pussy I'm shitting clit, son.

Jonah:That is assault. You are witnesses. This is assault! Right now, get out.

Jonah:Hello there. I'm Jonah Ryan. Ah, fuck. Mothercunt. Piece of shit. Fuck you. Fuck you. Ah, fuck. Careful. Careful. Careful.

Jonah:Why am I even chopping the fucking wood? It's the 21st century. We don't even use this shit anymore.

Richard · staffer · Jonah:Well, actually, the car won't start. / Maybe call an Uber. / We can't call an Uber. I've been banned for life because I have a low rating.

Jonah:Motherfucker! They're taking a Lyft now?

Jonah:Stop. You big lesbo.

Jonah · Catherine · Marjorie:New Hampshire... proudly casts its vote for President Selina Meyer. I love you. I love you, too.

Jonah · Marjorie · Catherine:Marjorie and Jonah's vote happen simultaneously — Marjorie reconciles with Catherine at the exact moment Jonah votes for Meyer, and the vote is declared for Meyer before being immediately reversed.

Jonah:I'm sorry, I would like to change my vote. I voted for the wrong person. I would like to change my vote, thank you. Where is everyone going? The gentleman from New Hampshire puts forth onto the floor a do-over, thank you.

Jonah · Interns:'I want you guys to get used to two things... killing it daily on the Hill and nights rated PG-squirteen.' / 'Baller.' / 'Baller.'

Jonah · Colt:Jonah celebrates after leaving: 'Fuck that guy.' / 'Come on, let's go. Game on. Here we go. All right, ready? Alley-oop!' / 'My fucking nuts!'

Doctor · Jonah:Doctor to Jonah: 'You have a lump on your left testicle. I just want to biopsy it and we can take it from there.' / 'Take what from where?'

Doctor · Jonah:Doctor: 'I'm married. I have the ring hiding under the gloves.' (responding to Jonah's inauguration ball invitation)

Doctor · Jonah:'Early detection would have prevented this. We really encourage regular self-exams.' / 'Yeah, I know.'

Jonah:Well, well, well. If it isn't the prodigal traitor come back home to suck on my giant congressional ball

Jonah:No. He's a prison magnet

Jonah:The big hand points to the noon and the little hand points to the... Well, fuck, it's the... God, it's 10:00 AM.

Sherman · Jonah:Getting paid, getting laid, son. Zero dollars and one cent.

Jonah:Did you have a stroke, you weird asshole man?

Jonah · Kent:I set my watch back for Daylight Savings Time. You set your watch the wrong way. No, it's spring. I 'springed' backwards.

Jonah:I've had my own bedtime since I was 17. I didn't need a babysitter then and I don't need one now, and it's high time that the government stop trying to babysit all of us.

Jonah:Daylight Saving... not plural... Time has never saved us from anything, certainly not the higher energy costs it promised to lower.

Jonah:Failure to thrive at birth... fuck that. Puberty at 19. When it hit, it hit like a fucking thunderbolt. Third grade reading level in the tenth grade.

Jonah:No, I'm gonna look like that old popcorn homo.

Jonah:One time, my mom brought in my breakfast an hour late like an idiot, so I just threw it on the floor... But it threw off my whole bathroom schedule and I ended up having to poop in a Sunoco bathroom.

Jonah · Kent/colleague:Libertonians. Says what we're about. — No, it sounds like a gay a cappella group.

Jonah · colleague · Kent:I got it... the Beltway Boys. — Jesus Christ, are you tag-teaming this? Those are awful.

Kent · Jonah · colleague:Hamilton wasn't a president. — Then why the fuck did they write a musical about him?! — No, he was our first Puerto Rican president.

Jonah:No, I am the white Hamilton of the Jeffersons, and that's our name.

Jonah · Kent:'Nobody's gonna keep us down because we are moving on up.' / '♪ The Capitol Hills ♪'

Jonah · Furlong:Wait, so you need something from me? — Oh, no, it understands.

Furlong · Shawnee · Jonah:Ah, Ms. Tanz! Rumors of your beauty have not been exaggerated. — Yeah, he's bringing me to dinner. We're engaged. — Wait, what? We are?

Jonah:I can legislate the shit out of shit in here.

Rabbi · Jonah:And Moses led his people to the land of...? — Hanukkah.

Jonah · Nikhil · Rabbi:Shut up, Nikhil. This stupid hat is too small for my head. — Yarmulke. — Fine, this stupid hat is too small for my yarmulke.

Jonah:Oh, good, 'cause all this learning is giving me a yarmulke ache.

Jonah · Nikhil:Oh, Jesus Christ! — I'm sorry, I can say that now and still get into heaven, right? — Actually, Jonah, Jews don't believe in heaven. — Shut the fuck up, Nikhil!

Jonah · Shawnee:Wait, Shawnee, how am I gonna see my dog again? Is there, like, a Jew place for dogs?

Jonah:God, how can anybody jerk off to her with him sitting right there?

Jonah · Kent:Kent, can I have your plus-one? — No, I'm bringing my jai alai instructor. — Female. — Ish.

Jonah · Aide · Jonah:What about your plus-one? — I work for you, I don't date you. — Maybe I'm gonna go hire some women, and I'm gonna make them date me.

Jonah:Well, it's your casa white-o, as you would say.

Jonah · Jonah:You haven't heard the last of Jonah Ryan. — Okay, Jeffersons, sit down. The Black Caucus gets this room back in 20 minutes. I do not wanna piss those guys off.

Jefferson member · Jonah · Jefferson member:Cutting aid to Israel! — Whoa, no! We're not gonna do that. Are you crazy? — Cutting aid to veterans. — Great! — They volunteered, right?

Jonah:Well, maybe the government needs to be shut down because it's broken. And when something's broken, you shut it down, and then you turn it back on again like with a router.

Jonah:And if they didn't want me to shut down the government, then maybe they should've invited me to the Meyer unveiling!

Jonah:And if they didn't want me to shut down the government, then maybe they should've invited me to the Meyer unveiling!

Selina · Gary · Jonah:At least Jonah wasn't here. — Hey, that's positive, see? — A lot of people are saying that I shut down the government. You're damn right, I did!

Jonah:I shut down the government for wasting our money. I shut down the government for interfering with our clocks and watches. I shut down the post office because everybody just uses email anyway. I shut down NPR because they're a total snoozefest, and they said this shutdown was a bad idea. I shut down the national parks so that your parents will have to take you someplace cool on vacation, like Disney World or Cancun or Mexico.

Jonah:Well, Fyvush Fuckhole disagrees.

Jonah · Dan:Hi, Danny. I want tickets to a certain Broadway show that's impossible to get tickets to... 'Turn Off the Dark.' / That show closed years ago.

Dan / show producer · Jonah:You said on-air that Bruce Hornsby was a member of the Grateful Dead. / He was a touring member from '90 to '92. He never officially joined.

Candi (Jonah's fiancée) · Jonah · Candi:I wonder if we should get married in the fall or at New Year's. / Oh, I always thought... / I was talking to my father.

Jonah · Selina · Jonah · Selina · Jonah:Jesus Christ, it's not like I'm gonna rape the president. / Oh! / I'm sorry, did you just say you aren't going to rape the president? / Of course I'm not. Why would I say I would? / Why would you say you wouldn't? / Because I wouldn't! / I think maybe your people should come in, too.

Selina · Jonah:You have accomplished more in one month than most extremely stupid people do in a lifetime. / That's very kind of you to say, Ma'am. / Shut the fuck up.

Jonah · Selina · Amy / staffer:And you'll get rid of Daylight Savings Time? / Oh, my... / Saving. / I cannot do that.

Jonah · Selina · Jonah's aide / Candi · Jonah:Why, because I'm Jewish? / Excuse me? / He's not Jewish yet, Ma'am. / Yeah, but I only have two months left of those Jiffy Jew classes. And after that, it's snip, snip, snip.

Jonah · Selina · Jonah:And as an almost-Jew, I will not stand by with this anti-almost-Semitism. / Why don't you take it up with the Anti-Defamation League? / The fuck is that? / Wow!

Jonah · Ben:Thank you for your input. It's very much appreciated. You can clean out your office. / I don't have an office. I share a desk with Kent. / Well, then you can clean out your half-desk. / It's empty. / You're fired. / Okay. / All right. / See you around never, Ben... / Cafferty. / Yeah.

Jonah · Dan:We're gonna fuck bitches till they in stitches. / Actually, I'm just kidding. I got engaged. / Did you hear that? / Is she a foreigner? / No, just Jewish. / Oh, what's up now? 9-11, bitches! / We're gonna fly two planes into the club!

Dan · Jonah:What is the Host of Christmas Past doing here? — Our interview. Checkers, bitch.

Jonah:Dan, you've heard the old saying, 'You gotta keep your friends close and make your enemies take you out to Guy Fieri's restaurant in Times Square.'

Jonah · Jane:I absolutely am because I hate your stupid, perfect face, and when I was in high school, I used to pretend to be sick to stay home and jerk off to Jane McCabe. / I just can't hear that story enough.

News anchor · Jonah · News anchor · Jonah:Breaking news from Washington, DC, where an agreement has been reached to end the government shutdown. / I'm sorry, what? / We go live to the White House. / No, we don't. No, we...

Jonah · Kent:Oh, God damn it, this office sucks my nard! — A punishment from Congressman Furlong and the speaker and the president. — An astonishing bipartisan agreement.

Jonah · Kent:Let's see if I'm in here. — Jordan, jobs... — Try Ryan. — I know, Kent. I was looking up jobs because they're important to the American people. — R-Y-A... — I know how to spell my last name, Kent.

Jonah:Are you fucking kidding? I'm not in here. — I ruined her administration, like, four times. — You'd think that'd count for something.

Jonah · Kent:Whoa, I'm only up five on Skeevy Deevy? — I went to summer camp with that dude and he was too afraid to get changed in front of the other boys. — I thought that was you. — No, I'm pretty sure it was him. — It was you. — How do you know, Kent? Were you at that summer camp?

Jonah · Shawnee:Babe, did you give up your inheritance for me? — Are you out of your fucking mind? I still have my trust.

Jonah:Oh, dang! What's up, white boys? — Yo, you guys ready to drop that rock? — Gellardi, hit me, I'm open.

Jonah · Congressman · Furlong:Oh, really? Why are you picking me? — Because you're so tall. — Oh, God, who the fuck invited Dikembe Mutomtard?

Jonah · Will:Boom goes the dynamite. — You're fired.

Jonah · Doctor:Am I Jewish? — Your circumcision was a success, Mr. Ryan.

Doctor · Jonah:No erection for six weeks. — Well, I don't know how I'm not gonna get it hard when I'm talking about my hog with some hot 'shiska' nurse. — I'm your doctor, and it's shiksa. — I'll check on you later. — I'm pretty sure it's 'shiska.'

Jonah · Doctor:Well, I don't know how I'm not gonna get it hard when I'm talking about my hog with some hot 'shiska' nurse. / I'm your doctor, and it's shiksa. / I'll check on you later. / I'm pretty sure it's 'shiska.'

Jonah · Shawnee:Babe, so far, being Jewish really sucks. — Will you pass me one of those ice packs, please? — Here you go, sweetie. — Thank you. — At least your dick won't smell like donkey pussy anymore. — Oh, God, I told you that was expired lube.

Shawnee · Uncle Jeff · Jonah:Uh, you can't talk to him like that. — Who is this tranny knuckle-dragger? — Somebody you hired to make sure you don't get erections? — That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée.

Jonah · Shawnee · Uncle Jeff:That tranny knuckle-dragger is my fiancée. / Jonah! / Her name is Shawnee Tanz, and you will treat her with respect. / Tanz as in Sherman Tanz? / That's right. He's my father. / Oh, royalty.

Jonah · Shawnee:Okay, yeah, that makes sense. My teachers had to do that all the time. — No, with us... You and me. — What?

Jonah:Is that before or after I scheduled the surgery to cut my dick off so you could marry me?

Jonah:What the fuck does that even mean? Is that before or after I scheduled the surgery to cut my dick off so you could marry me?

Uncle Jeff · Shawnee · Jonah:I'm so glad I came in person and didn't call. — Goodbye, Jonah. — Sorry. — Come on, honey, I'll walk you out. — Oh, that's nice of you. — Are you parked in the garage?

Jonah:Ow! Nurse! [Jonah alone in hospital room]

Congressman Furlong · Jonah:Jonah! I'm pulling all my financial support. I am pulling this creature right off the congressional ballot and replacing him with his cousin Ezra.

Richard · Jonah:Jonie, look, I have a special treat... [box is revealed to be empty] See, the box is empty to show that all you need to be happy is right here. Well, that's stupid. Yeah, it was a waste of $30.

Jonah:In two years, I'm gonna run against my motard cousin, Ezra, who's been a congressman for, like, two days and he's already passed, like, 10 bills.

Richard · Jonah:Well, two years is a long time. I mean, you could petition for a recall if they weren't unconstitutional. Can I petition for a recall against Ezra? Unequivocally, no. That's a great idea. That's awesome.

Jonah:I'll let you be Aquaman. No tidal wave.

Jonah · Richard · Jonah's mom:Mom, can Richard stay the night? Can I please, Mrs. Ryan? Oh, sure! I'll make waffles for breakfast. Mom, I don't want waffles! Okay, then I won't make waffles.

Jonah · Selina · Amy:I am... oh, I am a West Wing intern. Oh, congratulations. Okay. I just wanna say it's such an honor to meet you. The only reason that I voted for Hughes is because you were on the ticket. Well, I'm sure you're not alone.

Selina · Jonah:Maybe we can pull some strings and get you assigned to the EEOB. Yeah... maybe.

Furlong · Jonah · Selina:One... get the fuck away from me. Two... stay the fuck away from me. Okay? Can you do that? Yes, sir. I won't let you down. God, I love interns.

Furlong · Jonah:Oh, hey, Jonah, can we get lunch sometime? I wanna talk about you being the legal guardian to my baby if anything happens to me and Mary, okay? Yeah, sure.

Congressman · Jonah:Congressman on Brokeback Mountain: 'It's like that fagela cowboy movie. "I can't quit you."' / Jonah: 'Yes, thank you, sir. Butch and Sundance.'

Furlong · Jonah:We'll always have the shutdown, won't we? Huge miscalculation.

Jonah:Washington insiders, they didn't like me very much. So let's send them a message by shoving the guy that they hate the most right back in their faces.

Jonah:which basically means I'm definitely running. God bless New Hampshire. God bless the United States of America and Puerto Rico... if they can vote for president... And God bless Jonah Ryan.

Richard · Jonah:Congressman Ryan: 'Within five years, I want America... to put a man on Ellen DeGeneres.'

Jonah · Teddy:Jonah's sexual harassment roster: 'Emma Gray' is called 'Schnozz.' 'Monster Tits and Monster Tits, Jr.' for Congresswomen Troy and Vasconi. 'All I did was express genuine concern they had bras big enough to handle all that meat. At the Congressional Prayer Breakfast.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'I mean, he's a man too, Teddy.' (about Jesus endorsing his concern over bra sizes)

Jonah:Jonah's apology to Amanda: 'I'm sorry, Amanda, if I behaved in a way that made you uncomfortable or inappropriate. All right? God! And you should try smiling more.'

Jonah:Jonah refuses to sign: 'You are a stone-cold, neck-down hottie. I want the whole world to know we dated.'

Jonah · Amanda:Amanda: 'We had one working lunch, and we split the bill.' / Jonah: 'I split the bill on all my dates.' / Amanda: 'Why would I pay for a girl to get fatter?'

Jonah:Jonah: 'Jonah Ryan will not be silenced. We dated... and the world's gonna know that.'

Jonah · Amanda:Jonah: 'There was nothing professional about my behavior! — Nothing happened, Mr. Ryan. — I'm in a relationship with a good, normal man...'

Jonah · Aide:Jonah gets good poll news from the #NotMe movement. Aide's phone is upside-down; reads 'EWtoN' — then corrects: 'It's still NotMe. — You should lock your screen, dude.'

Jonah:Jonah Ryan's campaign ad: punching senators, kicking female candidates, 'Undisputed President of the United States!' followed by 'I'm Jonah Ryan, and I wanna suck this message's hot clam.'

Jonah · Teddy · Beth:I ad-libbed. / Teddy, improv is Jonah's thing. You should've heard his wedding vows. He did a really funny Chinese voice. / Yeah, I expressed how horny I was.

Campaign staffer · Jonah:Most people are uncomfortable watching a white man kick a black woman in the vagina. / Well, I don't see vagina color.

Campaign staffer · Jonah · Teddy:And, good news-- No, that's bad news. / I'm at less than 5%? / In the plus column, the undercard debate will be first, which means we have no problem getting out of the parking lot. / Oh, no, that's bad news too. It's stacked parking.

Jonah · Teddy:Jonah is doing physical comedy with food at the fair — 'It's shitting in my mouth' / 'He's pretending the potato is pooping in his mouth.'

Jonah:Besides, if I was, you'd know. I'd have retard face or whatever.

Jonah · Sensitivity trainer Danny:Um... mentally retarded? / No, that-- that's wrong. / I see where your head is at, though, and you are technically correct.

Jonah · Sensitivity trainer:Oh, God, is that like math? / Actually, it's just a way of using empathy to help avoid hurting other people's feelings. / That's so gay.

Jonah:I didn't mean like gay gay or like 'This guy and his husband are gay.' I meant gay like, uh, mentally retarded.

Jonah:Is this guy on his fuckin' period? What is--

Jonah:Jonah is caught on tape saying 'retarded' again immediately after his apology — 'What is wrong with you? Are you fuckin' retarded?!'

Jonah · Beth:One voter at a time, Teddy. / But Jonah, there were two of them.

Jonah:What the fuck? I gotta debate Dumbledong?

Jonah · Clark (debate staffer):I'm sorry, you can't say that. / Say what, 'Niger'? / It doesn't matter how you pronounce it, we now know that it is wrong.

Jonah · Clark:Jesus, Clark, you're standing right next to the guy. / What did he say? / No, he said it, not me. / But for the record, I think that the United States should send troops into countries like N-word, and I think it would be best if those troops were black.

Selina · Jonah · Beth · Gary:Oh, look at this. Congressman Ryan! And this must be Mrs. Ryan. Or do you go by your maiden name: Mrs. Ryan? / Oh, either is fine. / No, ma'am, she's my half-sister. / Step. / Gary: She's his step-sister.

Richard · Selina · Jonah:It seems I have been appointed the new Mayor of Lurlene. / Oh, congratulations! / Mayor Splizzle in the hizzle! / Wow. All right. / But don't you have to be a dog? / Well, legally, yes, but it's unenforceable.

Jonah · Teddy:I just found out from my stupid stepfather-- / Father-in-law! / From my stupid stepfather-in-law, that math was created by Muslims.

Jonah:OK, I'm gonna go hang myself from a sturdy pipe, and I'm not even gonna bother jacking off.

Jonah's Advisor · Jonah:You have time for a drink beforehand? / Mmm.

Jonah · Lloyd:Don't math me, Lloyd. / Math is a plot invented by the Chinese to make smart Americans feel dumb.

Lloyd · Jonah:Modern math was invented by Islamic scholars in the 7th century. / You were invented by Islamic scholars in the 7th century.

Jonah:Oh! Saint Theresa's gray-haired gunt, they're fucking again?!

Jonah:I thought she'd be more familiar. I mean, did you at least watch Martin? 'Damn, Gina!'

Buddy Calhoun · Jonah:Whoops. I guess we got ourselves a 'Gift of the Magi' situation here. / I was gonna ask you for the same thing.

Jonah · Buddy:Were you gonna ask for Interior and then settle for HUD? / Dang it. So busted.

Tanz · Jonah:Who said anything about winning? / You. I thought you said I was gonna be president. / No, you did. / Made me chuckle every time.

Jonah:I wish I'd aborted myself.

Jonah:You know who else thinks that I don't have the intelligence or the 'tentrament' to be president? My very own campaign staff.

Jonah:That is my campaign chair, Amy Brookheimer. She recently had an abortion.

Jonah:And that is my chief strategist, Teddy Sykes, and he is an overgrown midget who had to be chemically castrated.

Jonah · Bill Ericsson:And that guy right there, that's Eric something. / Bill Ericsson. / That's Eric Bill Ericsson, and he thinks he's better than everybody else in this room.

Jonah:Math was created by Muslims. / Yeah. And we teach this Islamic math to children. / Math teachers are terrorists.

Jonah:Algebra? More like Al Jazeera.

Jonah · Crowd:Under a Ryan presidency, I will ban this Sharia math from being taught to American children. / No more math! / God fuck America. No more math! No more math!

Secret Service Agent · Jonah:Congressman Ryan, it's an honor. / Oh, yeah! This is like looking in a mirror! / Yeah, a hot mirror.

Jonah · Staff Members:I have always been transparent about how old I am. / Yeah, 55. / I believe it's 53. / Late 40s. / You're all correct.

Jonah · Siri:Jonah, it's your dad again. It's the tenth time today. / Hey, Siri, you fuck my dad? / Siri: I don't know how to respond to that. / Typical woman.

Jonah:Pennsylvania, you have the second-lowest vaccination rate in the nation, and when I am elected president, you will be number one!

Amy · Jonah:Oh, my God, you Patient IQ Zero! / You infected all those nutballs who don't believe in vaccinations! / Well, serves 'em right.

Jonah · Beth:Amy, that only works with fleshy melons. / Beth: Duh. / And sometimes pumpkins.

Lloyd (bio-dad) · Jonah:Hi, Bethy, I'm really sorry I just showed up. / Oh, no. No! No, no, no! / I really wanna have a chance to talk with you, Jonah. / I hate you so much I could walk into a supermarket and shoot everybody.

Jonah · Lloyd:OK. / I b-b-beg your pardon? / OK, you can be my dad. / I can be what? / Aw, come here! Aw, I love you, Jonah. / I love you too, Daddy. No homo. / Sure. No homo.

Lloyd · Jonah:Right now you have a historic opportunity to speak to our better natures, bring the country together. But to do that, I think you have to tone down the angry, incoherent rhetoric a bit. / I have kinda pushed it, haven't I? / A little bit, Jonie.

Jonah · Nancy:Can you get her a pill or something and calm her down? / I don't want diazepam, I want something good.

Jonah:As most of you know, I didn't get a lot of time with my dad, but I think in the time that I did have with him I realized what a stupid loser he was. He didn't deserve me. Or even my mom. All he ever did, actually, was run out on us. First, all those years ago, and now by dying.

Jonah:And I guess I don't even know if I liked him that much, because he probably woulda sucked like all of my other step-dads. And I don't care that he's dead, because I am very strong.

Jonah · Beth:We're having cake pops at the house later. / Beth: Who wants to go dancing? My husband's right there.

Jonah:And when I say Lord, I mean Jesus Christ Almighty, not the Jewish one.

Jonah · Crowd · Amy:And they do-- that's just science. / But the other real killer... is diseases. / And how do these diseases get into America? / All: How? / Immigrants. / Man: Kill 'em! / Yeah-- Well, I mean, we don't have to kill all of 'em. There are some good immigrants. Beyoncé? / Ms. Brookheimer, do you have anything to eat? / Um, I've got gum and Advil.

Jonah:He had this carne asada that I think was a family recipe. That guy stays.

Jonah:From now on, no one in, no one out! / Thank you. No one in, no one out!

Jonah:For the last year, I have been crisscrossing the country, warning America about the threat of math to our way of life. / Yeah! / Which is why, 'President Meyer, Senator Talbot, and Governor Calhoun,' I have something to say to you. I told you so!

Jonah · Jonah's uncle Jeff · Uncle Jeff:Do you remember my five-alarm hottie of a wife, Beth? She just got out of rehab today. Yeah! And plus, while she was in there, she dropped a couple pounds in all the right places, so, she's hella even hotter than she was before. / Kill her! / Yeah! I mean, not her, man, but yeah, sure.

Jonah:Look, I love America, but it is time to face facts. This is a horrific country that is falling apart because it is full of people who are different than me.

Jonah · Uncle Jeff:I thought you told my mom to sell me to a child molester and use the money to get her tubes tied. / Eh, we're family. Come here, you!

Uncle Jeff · Jonah:You know, the Jews have a word for this feeling I'm having right now. I can't remember it. It sounds like three Germans cumming real hard inside something that doesn't want them to. / Oh, Jewish is such a beautiful language.

Jonah:Well, then, no. I'm sorry? I said no. As in never. I will be president, or I will be nothing.

Uncle Jeff · Jonah · Uncle Jeff · Jonah · Uncle Jeff:Shut the fuck up, you gum-recessed face-anus! Don't you see you've just been offered the second-most powerful job in the world? / No, you shut up, Uncle Jeff! I will not let anyone speak to me like that. / President or nothing? / Yeah! / Are you fucking kidding me? / Ow!

Uncle Jeff · Uncle Jeff · Jonah:You cockless cockroach! / You pile of failure shaped like a rapist! / I am not shaped like a rapist!

Jonah · Uncle Jeff · Uncle Jeff · Jonah:Okay, fine! Jesus fuckin' Christ, I'll be vice president, just stop yelling at me! / All right, fine. / Crisis is now averted. / No. I have one condition.

Jonah · Selina staffers · Jonah · Selina · Gary · Jonah:I want Richard to be Secretary of farm shit. / We're gonna have to fire Dan. / Why do you want to fire him? / Uh, just as a way of saying sorry for yelling at you earlier. / You know, feminism. / That sounds great. Fire Dan. He sucks.

Marjorie · Jonah:Why is Jonah helping you? / Started from the bottom, now we here.

Jonah:He's a super Veep / Super Veep, he's super Veepy / Yow!

Jonah · Jonah · Sue:Hi, Sue. / Sue, the Vice President would like a minute with the President. / The President told me to pencil you in to half past go-fuck-yourself.

Jonah · Sue · Jonah · Sue · Jonah · Sue · Jonah · Jonah:Sue, when I am President... / You won't be. / If you want to work for me... / I don't. / Then I would start treating me with the respect that I deserve. / I am. / Sue, as Vice President of the United States, I order you to let me into the Oval Office! / God damn it!

Jonah · Sue · Jonah · Sue · Jonah · Sue · Jonah · Jonah:Sue, when I am President... / You won't be. / If you want to work for me... / I don't. / Then I would start treating me with the respect that I deserve. / I am. / Sue, as Vice President of the United States, I order you to let me into the Oval Office! / God damn it!

Jonah · Beth:I didn't want to go to that stupid funeral, anyway. / Well, then it's a good thing that you got impeached, they didn't have to invite you.