Fishing

Dan · Kent:Dan's motivational speech to new staffers: 'Selina Meyer will never forget you.' Immediately followed by Kent: 'You are going to change America in a way that usually only war and fluoride can.'

Dan:Dan's induction speech: 'Not in a Jewish way, either. In a, like, selected from a very short list of 10 way.'

Dan:Dan: 'Some people say three microwaves is overkill. My response is always, "Tapas."'

Selina:Selina and team react to Thornhill: 'What is our take on this one-dick pony?'

Ben:Ben on Thornhill: 'You know that saying, "Anyone can run for president"? Joe Thornhill is the only reason that that's utter bullshit.'

Dan:Dan's induction: 'She's gonna ask you for a chamomile. She doesn't want chamomile. She wants peppermint. She gets a little confused, but do not point it out.'

Thornhill:Thornhill: 'The United States is a team, and I wanna be your designated hitter.'

Selina:Selina recoils from someone's Icy Hot application: 'My nostrils feel like Vietnam.'

Selina:Selina losing track of her staff: 'Where is Gary? Where's everyone running off to? Is this the beginning of the Rapture or what?'

Ben:Ben's fantasy of speaking his mind: 'Mississippi is chock-full of assholes.' / 'I don't trust the Chinese.' / 'I'm not gonna be able to pass a single piece of legislation that's really gonna make any fuck of a difference in your life.'

Ben · Dan:Ben: 'Got my vote.' Dan: 'Yeah, I got your vote.' (on Ben's fantasy platform)

Selina:Selina on Ericsson: 'He's Amy without a conscience and he's Dan without the... the five percent that needs to be loved.'

Selina · Sue:Selina to Sue: 'What time is the "unofficial" lunch that I am not having today?' Sue: 'Yeah, it is not officially at 12:45.'

Gary · Mike:Gary is washing Icy Hot out of his shirt in the office dryer. Mike emerges from a bathroom stall with a suspicious bag. Gary: 'Is that bag full of your fluids?' Mike: 'Not the whole bag. A specimen cup full of little Mikes.'

Mike:Mike: 'All my "troops" are in a cold bag now, okay? I just gotta get them to the doctor so he can begin the assault on "Egg Mountain."'

Dan · Amy · Ben:Amy on Dan's sudden niceness to staff: 'You guys remind me of me when I was you. Look at me now.' Ben: 'Nobody says shit like that voluntarily.'

Gary:Gary: 'Jesus, Gary, grow up.' — said TO Gary by Gary, responding to Mike's revelation

Amy:Amy on Dan as campaign manager: 'I'd rather cede control of the CIA to Pakistan than see Dan lead a campaign.'

Amy:Amy tries to use Dan's 'be nice' strategy but admits: 'I can't do the "be nice to people" because that's what Dan's doing. Also, 'cause I can't do it.'

Selina · Mike:Mike returns from the bathroom and claims he was 'focusing' on Selina's needs in there. Selina: 'I hope you were focusing on me in there.' Mike: 'Oh, no. I wasn't.'

Amy:Amy to Dan: 'You know, Dan, watching you try to be nice is like watching a baby smoke a cigarette... it's kind of cool, but also very disturbing.'

Ericsson:Ericsson to Selina: 'Let me guess... you're ordering dessert first and then a main course... You put yourself up for nomination before appointing a campaign manager.'

Selina · Ericsson:Selina to Ericsson: 'That was quite a long journey for that joke. I admire your stamina.' Ericsson: 'And I admire yours. Those polls can't be easy reading.'

Ericsson:Ericsson: 'And I admire yours. Those polls can't be easy reading. You're 30 yards ahead when you should be three miles ahead.'

Ericsson · Selina:Ericsson on Mike: 'The answer is Mike McClintock.' Selina: 'Well, that makes sense, yeah.' Ericsson on Dan: 'He's all eyelashes and teeth. He'd make a good croupier.'

Ericsson:Ericsson on Dan: 'Right, hitting on drunk divorcees, yeah. That's his level.'

Ericsson · Selina:Ericsson: 'I wouldn't let you within a mile of someone like me.' / 'Fire her, now.' Selina: 'I hadn't thought about...' Ericsson: 'Then it's time you did.'

Ericsson · Selina:Selina on Gary: 'Do you really want him standing behind you for the next eight years like an asshole?' Selina: 'Oh, but you know, he's MY asshole.' Ericsson: 'You need a better asshole.'

Gary · Doctor:Gary at the doctor. Doctor asks if his bag is 'integral to his job.' Gary: 'That's classified information.'

Gary · Doctor:Doctor: 'You need to get a new job.' Gary: 'Someone around here needs to get a new job, and it ain't me.' (chuckles to himself)

Dan:Dan to an intern: 'Load faster, you asshole.' Gary: 'Gary, get your arm out of my airspace before I shoot it down.'

Selina:Maddox has hired Jonah. Selina: 'Are you kidding me? That's the update? I'm talking about Maddox and ME.'

Selina · Dan:Selina: 'I should be the "three-mile candidate."' Dan: '"Three Mile" has negative connotations.' Selina: 'Yeah. Well, there might be one here too.'

Selina:Selina on going to the countryside: 'Peeing in a bush, being talked to on a porch. It's kind of like being a dog.'

Mike · Selina:Mike claims to have 'really important stuff to do' and can't go to the country. Then admits he could 'do it in the country.' Then admits he has allergies.

Dan · Amy:Amy and Dan compete over who can put aside campaign manager ambitions. Dan: 'I can totally put that aside.' Amy: 'Of course.' Both immediately try to grab the spot when Selina says 'Dan, you're coming.' Amy: 'Well, actually, I have a load of...' Dan: 'Laundry to do?'

Selina:Selina in the car on the way to Maddox's: 'People like Maddox always have guns on the walls next to the animal heads. It's like a flowchart for people who don't know what firearms do.'

Dan · Jake:Maddox's aide Jake is introduced. Dan recognizes him as a former colleague: 'You're Maddox's bagman? That's quite a demotion.' Jake: 'I have several responsibilities for Secretary Maddox.' Dan: 'And I think you'll find I'm quite the Renaissance man.' / 'Oh, well... please, by all means, "Leonardo." Yes. Chop-chop.'

Maddox:Maddox: 'No, they were pre-killed.' (re: the hunting trophies)

Selina · Maddox:Maddox: 'I want to thank you for agreeing to come and go fishing with me.' Selina: 'I can't wait to get out on the water. What kind of boat do you have?' Maddox: 'I don't have a boat.'

Gary · Selina:Gary to Maddox while fishing: 'That's a nice cast... right out into the center of the water.' Selina (under her breath): 'Shut up.'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'I'd hate to be a fish in your river.' Selina: 'Shut up.'

Selina · Maddox:Selina begins her State Department pitch to Maddox mid-cast. He gets a fish on the line. 'Ooh! Oh, look at that! Wow, that is heavy! Reel him in!' fish escapes. Maddox: 'You fucking idiot.'

Ben · Mike · Amy:Amy's dinner party: wine spill — Mike does something to cause the spill, then: 'Don't rub it, Mike. I'm making it worse.' Ben: 'I was gonna get a new rug, so... I could take a dump on it, if you need a clincher.'

Amy · Mike:Amy's dinner: 'Oh, there was a seating plan. But it is absolutely fine.' (after someone ignores it) / Wine is spilled on Mike, Amy: 'Don't rub it, Mike. I'm making it worse.'

Kent · Amy:Kent to Amy, while identifying a wine by smell: 'And she has got a real nose for wine. You remember that soiree at the French embassy, where you were identifying the year by the smell?' Amy: 'I also do that with my men.'

Kent:Kent: 'The only thing about you that doesn't surprise me is your capacity to surprise me.'

Amy · Cook:Amy checks on her dinner: 'What is it?' Cook: 'Potatoes.' Amy: 'I can see that. Potatoes a la what?' Cook: 'Just potatoes.' Amy: 'You can't really eat them by themselves.' Cook: 'I've eaten hummus with a pen cap. Don't tell me how I can eat.'

Kent · Amy:Kent looks at the bowl of potatoes: 'That is an ark of potato.' Amy: '"S.S. Starch."'

Kent · Amy · Ben:Kent: 'So, Amy, when are you going to ask us to support you as campaign manager?' Amy: 'I guess I don't have to now.' She proposes a 'work' drinking game. Ben immediately says 'Work.' and drinks.

Amy · Ben:Amy: 'Anyone who talks about work tonight has to take a drink.' Then immediately: 'Work.' Ben takes a drink immediately.

Selina · Gary:Selina to Gary in private: 'Can I be a complete fucking bitch?' Gary: 'Please don't talk about yourself that way.'

Selina:Gary accidentally reveals Mike's IVF secret to Selina. Selina's reaction: 'I can't have Mike getting "what's-her-ass" all knocked up and pregnant, becoming some sort of a dad during my campaign.'

Ben:Ben taunts Mike at dinner: 'Hey, Mike, this salad doesn't have any dressing. Did you bring any extra dressing?' then: 'I hear the next course is gonna be pulled pork... pork that has been pulled.'

Mike · Gary · Group:Mike: 'So everybody knows that I was in there masturbating into a cup now?' Gary: 'No, I was the only one who knew, Mike.' Everyone: 'We all know now.'

Ben:Ben: 'Good luck with that. That can be a tough road. I have a sister who was... well, she didn't have the... it kind of all went wrong within the tubing...' Everyone: 'Stop talking.' Ben: 'Copy that.'

Amy · Kent:Amy's toast: 'Thank you for your skills and for your friendship.' Kent: 'Hear, hear.' All: 'To skills.' / 'And friendship.'

Group:Awkward pause at the dinner table. Someone: 'Um, what if we don't have anything to talk about but work?' Then someone else immediately says 'Oop... work.'

Kent · Amy · Ben:The Jonah/Jeff Kane revelation at Amy's dinner party. Group discovers Jonah's uncle is Jeff Kane (controls New Hampshire senior vote). The political dinner immediately becomes a campaign war room.

Kent · Amy · Ben:Amy kicks everyone out of her dinner party. Kent: 'Please do support Amy as Selina's campaign manager.' Amy: 'Please do. Yay me. Yay me.' Then: 'Anybody wanna get a burger?' Ben: 'Yeah.'

Amy · Boyfriend:Amy's boyfriend reveals it's their anniversary. Amy: 'Oh, please do not tell me you are one of those fucking weirdos that celebrates three month-a-versaries.' He says it's actually a year. Amy: 'A year in which you neglected to tell me about Jeff Kane. Go.'

Amy's Boyfriend:Boyfriend: 'I guess I'll go tell the violinist he has the night off.' Amy: 'Okay.' He: 'I'll have him play me a bunch of Smiths covers in my car.'

Selina · Dan · Gary:Selina learns Jonah is Maddox's entourage. Selina: 'Tell Dan he needs to find Jonah now and poach him.' Dan and Gary: 'What?' Group: 'Jeff Kane is Jonah's uncle?' Dan: 'Oh, no!'

Dan · Jonah:Dan tries to make peace with Jonah. Jonah: 'Why the fuck do you care? Because you hate me.' Dan: 'All right, look, there's a fine line, Jonah, between hate and non-hate.'

Dan · Jonah:Dan: 'You attacked me with a burrito.' Jonah: 'And if I could turn back the hands of time, I would.' Dan: 'Oh, what, so you could do it again?' Jonah: 'No... The juice could have gotten in my eyes, Dan. The spicy burrito juice.'

Dan · Jonah:Dan: 'You attacked me with a burrito.' / 'And if I could turn back the hands of time, I would.' / Jonah: 'Oh, what, so you could do it again?' / Dan: 'No. The juice could have gotten in my eyes, Dan... the spicy burrito juice.'

Jonah:Jonah on his own desirability: 'People like me, people hire me, people date me, and people fuck me because I'm triple-A fuckin' awesome and no other reason.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'Why don't you scooch your little butt out of my fuckin' pantry?' / 'You know what? The only reason you have a fuckin' job is because your uncle is "Donald Chump." Wake up and smell the fuckin' burrito juice.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah: 'You know what? Selina's gonna lose and President Maddox is gonna have you both executed!' Dan: 'That's not even the way it works, you fuckin' idiot.' Jonah: 'Oh, yeah? Well, maybe you're a fuckin' idiot.'

Selina · Maddox:Selina: 'I believe that the position of vice president can be a very rewarding one.' Maddox: 'Even though it has no power?' Selina: 'It has some constitutional power, and, by the way, I think that I can pull some pretty big levers.' Maddox: 'You exercise this power very discreetly, I must say.'

Selina:Selina: 'I'd rather be shot in the fucking face than serve as vice president again. Seriously, in the fucking face!'

Selina · Dan:Selina returns from the country house defeated. She just moans. Dan: 'All right, guys, listen. Maddox is running.' Password is 'mother_fucker.' 'So our next move is to stop Chung from running.' Selina: 'No.'

Dan:Dan on female candidates' electability: 'The subtext of every question will be, "Yeah, you're pretty, but can you break a man's neck?"'

Selina:Mike is still carrying his specimen cooler to work. Selina: 'Oh. What's in your lunchbox, Mike? A protein shake? You degenerate.' ... 'I'd like you to do me the honor of removing your jizzbox from our executive branch of government.'

Selina · Mike:Mike: 'It's actually a cooler.' Selina: 'Oh, then, by all means. Open it up, let's have a picnic. I'll boil up my eggs.'

Selina:Selina's private assessment of her team: 'Desperate Dan, flailing Amy, crippled Gary, jizzy Mike.'

Selina:Selina (to Ericsson): 'I'm gonna shoot Mike and Gary in the head, I'll poison Amy, I'll behead Dan.' Turns and sees the entire team standing there. 'Oh, shit. What are you doing here?'

Selina · Ericsson:Ericsson announces he's going with Thornhill instead of Selina. Selina: 'Baseball Joe? The man's a vegetable. Seriously.' Ericsson: 'He can win.' Selina: 'I don't love your attitude. So why don't you go and...' Ericsson (interrupting): 'With all due respect...' Selina: 'You know what? You stop interrupting me, you stupid fucking interrupty guy.'

Selina · Ericsson:Selina fires Ericsson: 'I am un-offering you the job.' Ericsson: 'Well, it was a pleasure to meet you, ma'am.' Selina: 'You bet it was. It was a huge pleasure to meet me.'

Selina · Dan:Selina asks Dan if he wants to be campaign manager. Long pause. Dan: 'Yes.' Selina: 'Yeah.' Another pause. 'Yes, I do.' 'Okay.' 'Yeah!' 'Yeah, mm!'

Gary · Mike:Gary: 'I feel all floaty. What's this one called?' Mike: 'It's a boilermaker.' Gary: 'A boilermaker!' (laughs) 'I'm a Prosecco man.' Mike: 'I wouldn't spread that around, Gary.'

Gary · Mike:Gary: 'I carry around Selina's big, heavy bag of her tampon bullshit.' (laughs) 'The doctor told me to get another job.' Mike: 'You need to get another doctor.'

Mike:Mike pantomimes ordering a cortisone shot, then 'tequila,' then 'tequila-aa... oh...!' — implying shots for both the shoulder and the bar.

Amy · Mike:Amy arrives at the bar and is horrified to find Mike's specimen cooler on the bar. Mike: 'Relax, Amy. It's a spoiled batch. I missed my window today at the clinic and Wendy is not happy.'

Kent · Amy · Ben:Kent arrives at the bar: 'Hey, kids. Everybody well oiled?' Then announces there 'may be some changes.' Amy: 'She got a campaign manager, didn't she?' Kent: 'Please tell me it's not Dan.' It is Dan. Amy: 'Fuck you, Dan, you minor-league gigolo!'

Gary:Gary: 'Gigolo!' (echoing Amy's insult with delight)

Dan · Selina:Dan says he doesn't mind being called a gigolo because he likes older women. 'They do. They have life experience. Not just the sexy stuff. Well, they've got that too, I can tell you that.' Selina goes silent and then coughs.

Selina · Dan:Selina and Dan begin to bond over dark secrets as the new campaign team. Dan says he has 'skeletons.' Selina: 'Oh-kay. Here we go.'

Dan:Dan's skeleton: 'When I was a kid... a bunch of older kids... dared me... to kill this stray dog. And I did.'

Selina:Selina's skeleton: She admits to setting her ex-husband Andrew's car on fire. 'I torch cars, you know... give me the nuclear codes.' (chuckles)

Amy · Dan:Amy tries to call Selina from the bar to warn about the Ericsson betrayal. Dan: 'I invited you guys to dinner.' Amy: 'Yeah, then you kicked us out.'

Kent · Amy · Ben · Gary · Mike:Kent's plan: 'We should throw your expired cum at Jonah's door.' Group chants: 'Let's throw cum! Let's throw cum!' Mike: 'Amy, no, no... that's my DNA!'

Selina · Dan:Selina, back at home: 'How did you kill it?' (the dog, to Dan) Dan: 'Sorry, what?' Selina: 'Nothing. It's fine.' Pause. 'We're good?' Dan: 'Yeah.' 'All right.'

Mike:Mike's closing talking head: 'Had a romantic dinner... champagne, oysters, then Wendy finished me off in a cup. It was beautiful.'

Ben · Mike:Ben: 'Sounds pretty good, except for the oysters. Yeah, well, I like them.' / Group plans to throw the specimen at Jonah's door 'like a contract killing.'

Group · Jonah:The group approaches Jonah's door with Mike's specimen. 'Shh, shh. We do this... where is it? ...like a contract killing.' Knocking. Hurrying. Then: 'Hey, guys.' — Jonah opens the door.