On a fundraising trip in Silicon Valley, Selina is challenged by an anti-fracking mom and visits the campus of Clovis, a tech company with an ambitious young CEO. In D.C., Jonah makes a crude viral video of the Selina-mom encounter, and Dan, with Ben's help, gets an idea for a rumor he can spread against Chung.
Escalation-driven cringe hits 81 points with 82 jokes compressed into 35 minutes.
Directed by Armando Iannucci · Written by Andy Riley, Roger Drew, Kevin Cecil
WAR
162.2
Wins Above Replacement
“Clovis” ranks #20 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 94.5 — Elite. The episode packs 110 scored jokes at 3.2 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.5 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Dan: Jonah with money. God Almighty. It's like if Hitler could fly.
Dan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jonah: Fuck you, Kent Davison. Fuck you, Mrs. Gravestock from the third grade. Fuck you, stepdad one and stepdad three.
Jonah Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Dan · Jonah: Jonah, we didn't get into this for the money. / You take that chicken soup and you shove it up your soul.
Dan Jonah Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Jonah · Dan: Everybody who said that I would never make it... where the fuck are you now, huh? / Some of them are still in senior positions.
Jonah Dan Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Dan: He's not calling back. Go with it.
Dan Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Callback All Jokes — 110 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Selina · Speechwriter/Staff: Very inspirational speech, ma'am. / Come on, you wrote it, you can't review it.
Staffer: I meant you read it very inspirationally.
Staffer Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Callback Selina: This is what DC must have been like under Jefferson... except that would have been a horse, right?
Selina Observational Deadpan/Understatement Dan · Staffer: There's a typo on the home page. She might have a 'great sense of density' for this nation, but that's not the line we want to push.
Dan: You should have changed the name to 'MoneyMoneyMoney.Gov.'
Dan Irony/Sarcasm Observational Ben: 20,000 and Selina sits on your lap.
Ben Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm Selina · Gary: Gary, what are you doing? You look like a newborn giraffe.
Selina: Wi-Fi. Do you have that in Silicon Valley?
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Selina: Oh, you wanna do a 'selfie'? I call that an 'ussy.'
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Cassie Langley: She's been really, really slow to develop, actually. They've been fracking in our area.
Selina: Know what your mommy and me are doing? We're having a very serious conversation about political issues, aren't we? And the issues are complex.
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina · Amy (or Mike): We need to make that woman go away. And I don't mean kill her. / Kill her.
Cassie · Selina: Excuse me, can I please have my child back? Oh, my God, I've got the baby!
Amy: She was like a beached whale with one flipper fucking around in the air, and you were nowhere to push her back in the sea.
Amy Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Mike: That baby had a mean look in its eyes, like its mama.
Mike Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Mike · Selina: I'm calling this 'Pacific Trim.' You know what 'trim' is? It's twat.
Mike · Selina: What about this 'Alcatraz-matazz'? They look like two couches.
Amy: Remember, while you're there, do not use 'Google' as a verb. They 'Yahoo' things there.
Amy Observational Character Comedy Selina: If we were gonna rate it on a scale of one to 'fucked', what would you say?
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: I lose women and what am I left with? I'm left with gay Latinos and Jews at college, I guess.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Selina: I've got to take this fucker out. I have to succeed where the Republican Guard failed.
Selina Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm Selina · Dan: It is called 'multitasking,' Dan. I do it every... Damn it. / You just typed the word 'multitasking,' didn't you? / No.
Selina Dan Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Dan: Tame her or shame her?
Dan Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Dan: you were watching a baby fill its diaper.
Dan Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Amy · Dan: you were nowhere to push her back in the sea... you know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever 'they' are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.
Amy Dan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Jonah: Jonah's fake dramatic reading of the fracking incident: 'And that's why drinking chemical sludge is good for you.' / 'But I've been drinking that frack water, and look what it's gone done to my titty milk!' / 'My baby, oh, my baby!'
Jonah Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Callback Jonah: 'And that's why drinking chemical sludge is good for you.' 'But I've been drinking that frack water, and look what it's gone done to my titty milk!'
Jonah Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm Callback Jonah · Sue: Sue-ster. Sue of steel. Sue-Sue-Sue-dio. / Jonah, get off the line. And then the planet.
Jonah Sue Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Kent · Dan: Hey, fucking pencil neck. / He just swallowed his phone in fear.
Ben · Kent: I'd ask Mike, but he's too happy now that he's married. / Too happy.
Ben Kent Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Dan: It's obvious that I would make the best campaign manager. I'm not asking you to tell her that, but please, would someone fuckin' tell her that?
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Ben: Take it from me, Dan — in a couple of months on this job, you'll go from those six-pack abs to this keg. / I haven't seen my penis since the first Gulf War, and I kinda miss the little guy.
Ben Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Ben: Well, seems his unit in Iraq did that to some poor slob with a drill. / But that's, you know, just nutfluff.
Ben Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Dan · Ben: Yeah, and a couple of whisky chasers? / It's still Tuesday for another six minutes.
Dan Ben Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: Mike, I am balls deep in this omelet.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina · Amy: He just came out of Gary's room. / No. / Yeah. / What is going on with that? / No, he... another room or something.
Selina Amy Cringe/Discomfort Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Gary: He's rich, as in wipe-out-the-deficit rich.
Gary Observational Character Comedy Selina: See, that's wrong. That's too young. No, you shouldn't make your first million until you're in your 30s. That's what Andrew and I did. It kept us completely grounded.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: Poor kids, they don't realize they're all gonna be executed by the time they turn 30.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Selina · Melissa: You must be 12 years old, then. / I'm not, no.
Selina · Amy · Melissa: Well, I'm really looking forward to meeting Craig. / Absolutely, although it is pronounced 'Cray-eeg.' / 'Creg.' / 'Cray-eeg.' / C-R-A-I-G. / That's right. / 'Creg'? / Uh, 'Cray-eeg.' / 'Cray-eeg.' Very close. / 'Cray-eeg.' That's it. Well done, Amy. / Oh. You got it right, 'Ah-mee.'
Selina · Melissa: Child care is a huge part of my campaign. / Oh, no, these are Legos. / Craig believes that Legos are an important part of creative thought.
Selina: Oh, God. My brain feels like it's being fucking circumcised.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Dan · Amy: Get me a cheeseburger made of aspirin. / Where are you going, Dan? / I am going to get some air and then throw up in it.
Dan Amy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Jonah: All right, the game is Texas Hold 'Em. There are no comfort breaks in this game. You're gonna sit there and piss your pants like a man while I take your money.
Jonah Character Comedy Absurdist Dan: I got a hangover worse than the film they made after 'The Hangover.'
Dan Observational Character Comedy Jonah · Poker Players · Dan: Sorry, man. His site has traction. / My site has traction. / It was linked on Playbook this morning. / Oh, my God, yeah, did I tell you? My site was linked on Playbook this morning.
Melissa: Craig's coding hour is sacred. It happens every day, but you don't know when.
Selina · Melissa: Perhaps if Craig... / It's 'Cray-eeg.' / ...kept some sort of calendar, then he could write down his schedule. Then he would know where he was meant to be.
Gary · Selina: No, ma'am, that's Ron Jeremy. / I know, he's a great actor. / He was Scar in 'The Lion King.' / That was Jeremy Irons. Ron Jeremy is a porn legend.
Melissa: Lance Armstrong. We're having that one chemically expunged.
Melissa Irony/Sarcasm Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Jonah: That's your tell, Dan. That's a William fucking Tell. It's like an apple sitting right on your head, Dan. I can see it. It's plain as day. I call.
Jonah Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Jonah: See, I got one pretty lady, and, oh, look... she brought her sister, and... hello, honey. Three pretty ladies, like Saturday night at Chez Jonah.
Jonah Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Poker Player / D.C. insider: Because unlike your boss, his day-to-fuck-up ratio isn't one to one.
Dan: At least Selina didn't torture any Iraqis. Unless she had an Iraqi maid or something.
Dan Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Selina: Our withdrawal from Afghanistan has been more 'momentarily' than this.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Dark/Subversive Kent: Craig Juergensen, as I live and breathe in the genius.
Kent Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Craig: I shouldn't say this because I majored in math, but you have my 1000% attention.
Craig Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Craig · Selina: Anything. Doesn't quite matter. / 'Congress,' 'legislature,' words like that. / Yes. Exactly. What about France? / So pretty. The museums are too big. / They could be smaller. / That's a great point.
Selina: If it's a phone and watch, just call it a 'Fotch.' Or a 'Wone.' If you wanted it to bomb.
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Selina · Craig: The Smartch demo — shaking hands repeatedly failing; 'I feel like we're sawing a tree or something. Now we're milking a cow.' / Maybe there's an 'on' button.
Selina Craig Physical/Slapstick Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Selina · Craig · Amy: Smartch, can you see for Craig... / Selina, you need to say 'Smartch.' / It's 'Madam Vice President.' / I know! / Okay. Smartch, can you see for Craig... / It's 'Cray-eeg.' / Cray-eeg... the MeetMeyer website. / [shows Sea World opening times]
Craig · Selina: These are the opening times for Sea World. / You know what? Guys, if things work all the time, it means we can't make them better. We have a saying here at Clovis: 'Dare to fail.' / Then that's a job well done.
Dan: Look, if we don't go with this Chung torture story, someone else will. We just don't know the facts. We put it out there, and then something will arrive that backs it up. That's Journalism 101.
Dan Irony/Sarcasm Dark/Subversive Dan: He's not calling back. Go with it.
Dan Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Dan: He's not calling back. Go with it.
Dan Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Callback Clovis Tech Guy: The Smartch learns quickly. It's like it has an Asian mother.
Gary · Selina: College kids made it — it's a comedy thing where they represent you as meat and act out news stories. / It's making fun of our website, which is 'MeetMeyer' — M-E-E-T... / Oh, that's me. What is the site, 'Meeting Meyer'?
Gary Selina Meta/Self-Referential Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Gary · Selina: Some college kids made it, ma'am. It's a comedy thing where they represent you as meat and act out news stories. It's making fun of our website, 'MeetMeyer'...
Gary Selina Meta/Self-Referential Irony/Sarcasm Callback Selina · Craig · Gary: Smartch shows pornographic content instead of MeetMeyer — 'Now I'm getting fucked harder that way.'
Melissa · Amy: If it's any consolation, a porn parody is a sure sign that you've officially made it. / Technically, becoming vice president could count as making it.
Selina · Someone: So who was that fucking me? Was that Jeremy Irons? / I think you mean Ron Jeremy. / Whatever.
Craig · Selina: Guys, you're not asking me to pull content? That's very much against our ethics. / The political reality is... / I don't follow politics. / But I do like your 'Tablets in the School' initiative. How about I give you a few to get you started? Say, 50,000? / That's a very generous offer. We appreciate that. / Bang. That's how fast we move here.
Selina · Craig: You don't follow politics, I thought. Or you do now follow politics? / We see ourselves as very much post-tax.
Selina · Craig: You are showcasing other people's content for free. Once the content providers start charging you, do you have a plan for that? / I think there's a misunderstanding. People want to work with us more than they want to be paid. That's a given.
Melissa · Amy: Craig is bookmarking this chat. / He's what? / You mean metaphorically?
Craig · Dan · Others: Look at that pile of elbows. / His site's been blowing up all day. Who is that guy? / That's Jonah Ryan. Everybody knows Jonah. / He's well-known in DC circles.
Craig · Melissa · Dan: Okay, how much do we have in the New Venture fund? / 50. / Let's take 3 or 4 and buy that site. / No way! / You mean millions? / Fair enough. Four to six. / He said he's a popular guy, so... / I didn't say that.
Dan · Jonah: Destiny. / Clovis wants to buy Ryantology. / That's right! / Oh, my God. You see these brains? See why I'm pattin' 'em? Because they are made of solid platinum.
Jonah · Dan: Everybody who said that I would never make it... where the fuck are you now, huh? / Some of them are still in senior positions.
Jonah Dan Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Jonah: Fuck you, Kent Davison. Fuck you, Mrs. Gravestock from the third grade. Fuck you, stepdad one and stepdad three.
Jonah Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Jonah: I think I just had a money-gasm.
Jonah Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Dan: Jonah with money. God Almighty. It's like if Hitler could fly.
Dan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Amy · Gary: I vote we tape Gary's mouth closed. / I did not say anything.
Amy Gary Character Comedy Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Callback Dan: He asked me to come in with him, Jonah did. I'd be rich right now. I'd be handcuffed to a prick, but I'd be rich.
Dan Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Amy: So they buy it for four, so that gives you, what, one? After taxes, it's like 500,000. It's nothing. What are you gonna do with that?
Amy Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina · Gary: Do you think this is appropriate? 'Cause when you do that to the vice president, this is what happens! / [Gary crashes/injures himself]
Selina Gary Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina · Amy: I'm taking these people back to dial-up. They think they're kings of America. / Well, in a way they are. / No, they're not. / I take your point.
Selina: You know what? I know you're walking around here like you're C-3PO with a big, brass, shiny erection, but I got news for you. This is kindergarten for cyberbrats.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: If you're over 30... check it out. That's where you're headed, my friend, if you work here. / I've got to go to the bathroom. / They have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud?
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Selina: Aw, it's a space toilet.
Selina Visual Gag Character Comedy Callback Selina: Aw, it's a space toilet. [Selina apparently encountering an unusually high-tech bathroom]
Selina Visual Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Craig · Amy: I've been watching you and I like what I see. / Would you work here and share an open plan environment with me? / I'm flattered, but the sheer positivity of this place would break me.
Craig Amy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Craig · Amy: This is what we'd pay you. / Go fuck yourself. / Sorry, that's the opposite of what I meant to say.
Craig Amy Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Jonah: Chung's proud of his beatboxing, but what about the beating and boxing he did in Iraq? Proud of that, 'Guv'nor'?
Jonah Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Gary · Selina · Kent · Amy: I've got to confess, ma'am, I've been in a lot of pain lately. It's my shoulder. The masseuse at the hotel this morning told me to take it easy... / It was a masseuse. / That makes total sense now. / Who did you think it was? / Kent, it was a masseuse. / Ah... masseuse. I buy that.
Gary · Selina · Kent · Amy: Why else would I invite a man into my hotel room? / Well... / Nothing. / Why are you looking at me like that? / Like what? / Nothing. It's a free country. / I know it's a free country. / I had a cousin like that. / Not to split hairs or anything, but it was a man. So, technically, it's a masseur, not a masseuse. / Right. / Whatever makes you happy. / It doesn't matter. / I don't understand what's... / Whatever makes me happy? / It's complicated, isn't it?
Kent: Right now, the public is interested in tax relief for tech firms. / Yeah, but... they're still deciding. / There is a lot of interest in the Chung torture story. The public may decide to put it on the Clovis front page after all.
Kent Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm Selina · Craig · Amy: Oh... / Now, Selina... / Oh... / some people call me 'Madam Vice President.' / But you can call me whatever you want, Craig. / 'Cray-eeg.' / Yeah.
Selina: Okay, Smartch, show me the Clovis home page. / [Smartch fails to respond in the desired way]
Selina Running Gag Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Okay, Smartch, show me the Clovis home page. [long pause before something goes wrong]
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: You know what? Guys, I have to address this. This Danny Chung torture story. I know Governor Chung very well and I can tell you that these allegations are utterly unfounded... the words 'Danny Chung' and 'torture' — they don't belong in the same sentence. They don't. 'Danny Chung'? 'Torture'? Come on.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Escalation ★ Rewatch Amy · Selina: Well, ma'am, by denying that 'Chung' and 'torture' are connected, everyone now seems to think that, well, 'Chung' and 'torture' are connected. / And I wonder what magician got that little story out there?
Amy: Melissa, I've had time to think about it now, and... I'm a grown-up. I don't think I'm the right fit here. I wasn't even that into toys when I was a kid.
Amy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Melissa · Amy: The Veep doesn't value you. / She's about to promote me to campaign manager. She values me. / That's off the record, by the way.
Melissa · Amy: I don't need you. I can buy a thousand Amys. / That's fine by me if your idea of 'special' is Jonah Ryan. / Jonah Ryan? We sunsetted that idea minutes ago. We've withdrawn our offer. / Well, 'like.' Sorry, wrong company.
Dan · Jonah: Jonah, we didn't get into this for the money. / You take that chicken soup and you shove it up your soul.
Dan Jonah Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Jonah · Dan: Hey, pizza delivery, buddy. I got some meat you can put in your mouth. / You fuckin' asshole! / Hey, want a complimentary soda?
Dan · Jonah: Speaking of screwed, I heard you lost four million dollars. / Yeah. / I feel your pain. / I had to dump that 150 on purpose in the game today. / You fucked me, Dan. You fucked me with your face.
Selina · Amy: In the ladies' restroom, they have some sort of an Internet toilet. I couldn't figure out how to flush it. It's got all these buttons that freak me out, so could you go handle it? Okay. It's the third stall.
Selina Amy Character Comedy Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Callback