Clovis

Very inspirational speech, ma'am. Come on, you wrote it, you can't review it.

This is what DC must have been like under Jefferson... except that would have been a horse, right?

She might have a 'great sense of density' for this nation

20,000 and Selina sits on your lap. - What did you just say? - No, not really.

Gary, what are you doing? You look like a newborn giraffe.

I was just fanning myself with my arm.

I call that an 'ussy.'

- She's nine months. - Okay, she's rounding up.

They've been fracking in our area.

We need to make that woman go away. - And I don't mean kill her. - Kill her.

Oh, my God, I've got the baby!

She was like a beached whale with one flipper fucking around in the air, and you were nowhere to push her back in the sea.

That baby had a mean look in its eyes, like its mama.

I'm calling this 'Pacific Trim.' - You know what 'trim' is? - Yeah? - It's twat.

Remember, while you're there, do not use 'Google' as a verb. They 'Yahoo' things there.

I lose women and what am I left with? I'm left with gay Latinos and Jews at college, I guess.

I have to succeed where the Republican Guard failed.

You know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever 'they' are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.

So, the Veep's gone to Silicon Valley of the Dolls. And instead of California dreaming, she's got 'em California screaming.

'But I've been drinking that frack water, and look what it's gone done to my titty milk!' 'My baby, oh, my baby!'

Sue. Sue-ster. Sue of steel. Sue-Sue-Sue-dio.

Jonah, get off the line. And then the planet.

Dan-zibar, what's happening?

He just swallowed his phone in fear.

I haven't seen my penis since the first Gulf War, and I kinda miss the little guy.

Well, seems his unit in Iraq did that to some poor slob with a drill.

It's still Tuesday for another six minutes.

Mike, I am balls deep in this omelet.

No, you shouldn't make your first million until you're in your 30s. That's what Andrew and I did. It kept us completely grounded.

Poor kids, they don't realize they're all gonna be executed by the time they turn 30.

I am the oldest person at Clovis by five years. I feel ancient. - You must be 12 years old, then.

Absolutely, although it is pronounced 'Cray-eeg.' - 'Creg.' - 'Cray-eeg.' - 'Cray-eeg.' Very close. - 'Cray-eeg.' - That's it. Well done, Amy.

Oh. You got it right, 'Ah-mee.'

We could 'build' a consensus.

My brain feels like it's being fucking circumcised.

Get me a cheeseburger made of aspirin.

You're gonna sit there and piss your pants like a man while I take your money.

I got a hangover worse than the film they made after 'The Hangover.'

Craig's coding hour is sacred. It happens every day. but you don't know when.

No, ma'am, that's Ron Jeremy. - I know, he's a great actor. He was Scar in 'The Lion King.' - That was Jeremy Irons. Ron Jeremy is a porn legend.

What are you doing? - It's like a rollaway. But there's no wheels.

Three pretty ladies, like Saturday night at Chez Jonah.

Because unlike your boss, his day-to-fuck-up ratio isn't one to one.

Our withdrawal from Afghanistan has been more 'momentarily' than this.

I shouldn't say this because I majored in math, but you have my 1000% attention.

She's our 'financy Nancy,' but she's cool, sometimes. - I can be cool sometimes.

So pretty. The museums are too big. They could be smaller.

If it's a phone and watch, just call it a 'Fotch.' Or a 'Wone.'

If you wanted it to bomb.

I feel like we're sawing a tree or something. Now we're milking a cow.

We have a saying here at Clovis... 'Dare to fail.' - Then that's a job well done.

We have a saying here at Clovis... 'Dare to fail.' - Then that's a job well done.

Hey, do you think I should go with this? I'm probably going to, but if you think I shouldn't go with it, just call me back. Okay? Call me back if I shouldn't go with it.

The Smartch learns quickly. It's like it has an Asian mother.

Now I'm getting fucked harder that way.

Technically, becoming vice president could count as making it.

Yeah, I can't take it from them, too. You know? A girl gets tired.

We see ourselves as very much post-tax. You don't follow politics, I thought. Or you do now follow politics?

People want to work with us more than they want to be paid. That's a given.

If that plan works, you've changed humanity.

Fair enough. Four to six. He said he's a popular guy, so... - I didn't say that. - Yes, he definitely said that.

Oh, my God. You see these brains? See why I'm pattin' 'em? Because they are made of solid platinum.

Jonah with money. God Almighty. It's like if Hitler could fly.

Fuck you, Kent Davison. Fuck you, Mrs. Gravestock from the third grade. Fuck you, stepdad one and stepdad three.

I think I just had a money-gasm.

It's like if Hitler could fly.

After taxes, it's like 500,000. It's nothing. What are you gonna do with that?

'Cause when you do that to the vice president, this is what happens!

like you're C-3PO with a big, brass, shiny erection

They have a bathroom here, or do they put their turds up in the cloud?

I'm flattered, but the sheer positivity of this place would break me.

Go fuck yourself. Sorry, that's the opposite of what I meant to say.

It was a masseuse. - That makes total sense now. - Who did you think it was?

Not to split hairs or anything, but it was a man. So, technically, it's a masseur, not a masseuse.

some people call me 'Madam Vice President.' But you can call me whatever you want, Craig. - 'Cray-eeg.'

the words 'Danny Chung' and 'torture'... they don't belong in the same sentence. They don't. 'Danny Chung'? 'Torture'? Come on.

And I wonder what magician got that little story out there?

I can buy a thousand Amys.

You take that chicken soup and you shove it up your soul.

I got some meat you can put in your mouth. You fuckin' asshole! Hey, you want a complimentary soda?

You fucked me, Dan. You fucked me with your face.

In the ladies' restroom, they have some sort of an Internet toilet. I couldn't figure out how to flush it. It's got all these buttons that freak me out