Dan Egan

She's middle of the road. She's mediocre, really. Of all the -ocres, she's the mediest.

She's fun, she's sexy. She can advance my career. I really like her.

That's because Mike McClintock there threw him into the Potomac River.

we were hoist by our own retard.

Yeah, right after I leaked that story.

all you've got left in the last 10 remaining years of your working life is a damp apartment, cold crab cakes, and an invisible fucking dog.

You got a brand-new desk in the corner. Follow me, I've got a beautiful spot for your adoring photo of girlfriend Carol Hallowes. Actually, she's not my girlfriend anymore. I just broke up with her about 15 minutes ago via text. Well, cold and rather nerdy. Actually, it was an app.

You're not gonna get a good photo holding a book. It's like kids read or something.

It was like getting off a mild food poisoning.

Look, Amy, I am genuinely sorry that my arrival here has caused you to become so self-conscious and gain a little weight.

No, you're the guy with the big bag of lip balm, Gary. You're fucking Kissinger.

Right, with the lip balm if she got shot in the lips. That could crack 'em pretty bad.

Oh, my God. Can I blow you? Uh, yes, you can. I will meet you out in the hallway in a few seconds. Sure, I'll get a stepladder.

Mint. It implies freshness, trust, traditional values.

Oh, c'mon. Vanilla is a girl's flavor.

Potus Interruptus, that's what I call it. And I'm gonna tell him.

Hey, come on, I major in major.

selina is on next year's list of hurricanes. oh, shit! what if it hits and we get headlines saying 'selina causing large-scale devastation'?

did you know old grandpa fumblepants couldn't even swim? he would just hang out in the shallow end and stare. you know what his favorite stroke was? was it dick stroke? it was dick stroke.

you dumped my daughter by text and didn't even apologize. oh, no, i did. i signed off with colon open brackets.

you guys ditched me at a pervert's memorial that's some cold shit.

yeah, it looks astonished. like it's attached to jumper cables or something.

yeah, it looks astonished. like it's attached to jumper cables or something

it's kind of an open secret in washington that mike has an imaginary dog. we call it his bullshit-tzu.

Maybe the Israeli military every once in a while.

You gotta network to get work, baby. All right? Chung for change.

You're not even your mom's favorite Jonah, Jonah.

Oh, sure! You know what? I blame George Washington. If he hadn't started this whole form of government, then we wouldn't...

Look, Mike, that's what you always hear because mentally you're in a fuckin' hammock on a back porch.

What did Scott use as a research tool, the fuckin' drudge report? That and bathroom walls.

Yeah, but ironically, the only affordable option would be immigrant labor.

I didn't even think you'd be here. - Why? - Well, there's the briefing on the fiscal responsibility bill at the White House.

Hat? Oh, wedding? - No.

She appreciates the gesture of me trying to trick her into believing that.

Yup, that's a regular granary gangbang.

Intel, that's a brand of microprocessor. - Strong joke.

To eat at a different fucking restaurant.

Yeah. That's exactly how I feel about the clean jobs legislation.

This is class genocide. This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night.

There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.

There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.

What I'm saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon. I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so fucking low-rent, you can't even be exploited.

You guys think you're fucking New York, but you're not.

Business card bukkake.

Razor blades, a large amount of pain killers.

Amy, come on, career-wise, that's like joining scientology or getting a fucking neck tattoo.

My first thought was, 'there goes your figure,' but I didn't say that because I thought it would be upsetting.

'Lion King' DVD and two shots of ritalin.

That's how I was raised.

Is Jonah the dad? Is that why you look like you wanna drink a bottle of drano?

They're gonna be pulling that kid out of you in shifts.

You having fun? No. Hear that? No fun. You are no fun.

The guy's like gay porn... He's everywhere.

You must have a huge schadenboner over this Amy flack

God, she is gonna go ape-shit menstrual over this

like the contents of a broken fucking condom

This is going in with the dirty dishes, man. For fuck's sake. If this is broken, I'm adding it to your fucking rent

Ooh, Gary, did the veep just bitch-slap you with a door?

Oh, what, is she out of hand sanitizer again?

Free from a major fucking political headache, I'd say. That's deep space cold, Dan. Explains why you piss liquid nitrogen

Just because this isn't your baby, you don't... God, I am so sorry

Yeah, why don't you run along and see if you can suck your own cake?

Let's pretend there's a female farmer and she's got a horse, a sheep, and a pig, okay? The pig

One condition... I watch you die first and I get to stab you repeatedly to make sure.

Long time no cc.

Still up here in Cleveland, huh, will? Just rutting around with the regional swine?

Oh, my God. With that provincial sensibility and that girlish figure, you're not gonna last.

She seems nice.

I actually found it slightly erotic, too. That's why it took me so long to split up with Angie. She'd always cry, I'd always get a hard-on.

Then we've just got to tweak the tear nipple.

Chinese daughter torture. It's a good one.

What is that, a fax? Is that a message to yourself from 1988?

She can't cry three times in a day. That's three strikes and you're out. How big are her tear ducts? It's like they're fucking tidal.

This is all I've ever wanted. This is all I've never wanted.

This is sad. You're like an old panda that's gonna get put down at the zoo. They bring kids in to watch that.

That's Dan with a capital D and Egan with an open your fucking ears. Yes, E as in ears.

Oh, ker-chung, ker-ching. Pay up.

Oh, God. It's fucking Big Bird.

Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.

Is that a racist joke? Yeah.

Not quite. Like your mother, it's been previously loved and paid for by a couple of guys.

Oh, the old 'drink your way out of alcoholism' approach. I like it.

Not a problem. Uh, an issue. Not even an issue. A hitch. You had a drinking hitch?

I get that all the time. - No, you don't.

Where do you live? - Nearby. Local ... to here.

At work we actually call her Amiable Amy.

Yeah, you know, I knew I should have gone with Amy Whitehouse.

That's gonna electrify DC. - Oh, it's gonna AC DC.

You like your reds through a bendy straw, too, right, Mike?

You got donut on you, Mike.

Here he is, Kanye West Wing.

some guy in the hospital with locked-in syndrome.

Okay, now she just sounds mentally ill.

It's Gary-oke time. - Gary-oke is done, my friend. It's time for Danny-oke now.

Does aggressive trump robust? - Well, it's robustier.

Did she just make an innuendo? - Yep. Yep.

Maybe she's pregnant again. - Oh, God. Or she's menopausal. Oh, God, she's gonna want that testosterone gel. I'm out of here.

I call that overshadowboxing.

What rhymes with majority? Nothing. Come on, you still working on that funny song about the new Speaker? - Give it a break. - Oh, priority. And authority. Sorority. Oh, my God, there's a million words that rhyme with it.

Look where Jonah's coming from. Oh, that grin, the keys. Oh, God. He's been given West Exec parking. Yeah, the holy grail of parking.

Good morning, gentlemen. What a delightful day. I was gonna walk to work, but then... - You got West Exec? - It's just a parking spot, Dan. To be jealous of that, you'd have to be a shallow kind of... I don't know, dick, I guess.

You know, I once went powerboating on Lake Erie. Amazing rush.

You don't talk powerboating to us sailors, Dan. What's the fucking difference?

13,000. No, 14,500. Is this the amount of times you've admired yourself in the mirror today? No, I'm guessing that's the difference in salary between this job and the one that you just interviewed for.

Simple makeup, higher neckline. Flats don't go with that dress, which means you probably have heels in your bag. Coffee from corner bakery implying you were at one of the lobbying shops on 18th.

That's not a rhyme. You're just matching a word with the same word.

Comedy songs are the mark of a douchebag. You're wrong. You know why? Three words... Weird Al Yankovic. Shit Al Yankoshit.

He's half robot, half robot. - He's a robot.

There was this one girl, smart, who had no interest in me. She wasn't gay either. I checked.

You're like an old VCR, but with a bigger mouth.

Uh, no, you don't want me, sir. You do want Dan. - He's great. - I've got a big bounce coming on. I can feel it. I'm like you.

Yeah, she's going to apologize to Europe 'cause it's right up there with the bubonic plague and the carpet bombing at Dresden.

It's fucking insane here. It's like a math prison. They rape you with numbers.

Mate? Yeah, you're a long way from home, mate, too.

At which point I'll perform a little street magic for you, okay?

That's like a sexual 9/11 in my opinion. Or a sexual Cuban Missile Crisis at the least.

You're career poison. Do you know that? Jesus, that's why you like sailing, because you're a fucking anchor dragging promising careers down to the bottom of the fucking ocean.

Well, my mom doesn't live in Rome, but she's still a fucking Catholic.

Oh, what do you want, a fucking cake? Look, I can be happy. See? There you go.

Version two-- Mary King steals peace pipe, breaks it in half, shits all over it.

She's calling him Andy instead of Andrew. It's starting.

Hey, buddy, don't worry that she didn't remember you, okay? It's only 'cause you're a nonentity.

Great. I'm gonna have the most expensive starter, the most expensive entrée, and a $200 bottle of champagne. / I think I'm gonna keep it light. I'm gonna go chicken salad and a Diet Coke. / Nonsense. Give him exactly what I'm having. And we will split the champagne. It's our first date.

But heroes don't get to choose, they get chosen.

Oval Office ordering a pizza and an air strike. Thin crust, extra warheads.

She is furloughing indiscriminately into the crowd.

Oh, well, what could possibly go wrong?

That's precisely what I want to do, Dan. / Good. / Oh, okay, then, yes. Exactly.

She's kind of a lightweight now... She's a dud.

You're a fraud and a liar, ma'am. Wow. What? What are you doing? I'm hitting you.

It's conservative and desperate at the same time.

she's wearing a bluish dress like she vomited flowers all over herself

Andrew's fucking us again. He's screwed us in all known dimensions.

He's political poison. He's political--

Look, I've graphed her performance, okay? Look at this. Look at this nice little graphic. Here's time, here's her fucking career.

The Young Chungers.

The Granny Chungs.

You're young, you're hip, you're hop.

I think it's in a cloud.

Like catching your sister's eye at an orgy.

That woman has become a living metaphor of her own career.

I guess we just follow the trail of her blood and Gary's tears.

You just broke his brain, Amy.

Yep, four people to one toilet. You can hear everything that hits the water.

A win-win by losing. That's good.

I'm surprised he gets to work without being hit by a car or punched in the mouth.

Can you please tell Governor Chung that Dan Egan is ready for the Chung chat?

Selina Meyer, she deals 'em fire. Bam! Boom! Let's go to the fucking moon!

Did you say a number? Currently four.

Yeah, it's like a noun-verb gumbo.

See this right here? You know what this is? This is me playing 'Fuck You' on the world's biggest cello.

If I had a dollar for every time you mentioned that goddamn war, I would buy a tank and I would blow your fat fucking head off.

That's Washington, DC, for you. DC-- District of Cunts.

I would hate to be that local Iowa guy that's gotta take care of her, trying to source gazpacho in a city that thinks soup is for fags.

Unless POTUS is chiseling his fucking statement out of marble, I don't get it.

Amy, a good campaign manager always has to think one phone ahead.

Yes, and I likewise am disappointed that you have not. Amateur.

Hey, Richard, no offense... None taken. ...you're a catastrophe. Okay.

I got a jet here that could cut a fucking diamond.

'Lifting the lid on the Inter-agency Softball League'? 'Face to Face with America's Wind Tycoons.' Wow. This is some seriously butter knife-dull shit, man.

I was voted Most Likely To Do Something Now in my class yearbook.

The closest you'll get to a political career will be selling Nixon masks at a Halloween shop, okay?

Just open the door while we're moving, climb under the car like Indiana Jones, pop up on the hood and write a note on the windshield.

What's Google's number? I don't know. Ask Jeeves.

Jonah Ryan, 2026! That's a mid-terms year, Jonah. Well, then, I'll change it!

The only laundering you're gonna be doing from now on is gonna be prison blankets.

That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral.

It would take a brain about this size to think that's this shit's useful.

We've literally said nothing. Meanwhile, that shit shovel-faced fuckin' Jonah is telling people you're feeling out options.

You want to put it on a T-shirt? Come on!

I was clear. We just need to pick a fucking number, any fucking number. Give that fucking number to the fucking press, and go to fucking bed! How much more clarity do you need? You want to put it on a T-shirt? Come on!

Look, I love abortion, okay? I am an abortionado.

But I would go pro-life in a fetal fucking heartbeat if it meant winning.

If you say anything on-air about the Veep, I will break your legs so severely, you'll end up normal height.

I thought you just said it was locked. / Yeah, it is. It's structurally very sound. We just need to nail the wording, okay?

It's like 'SNL' is going back in time and abusing a child.

Put your boss on the phone, or I will sauté your sack, you 'SNL' shitstick.

You can't have hospitals after war. That's what I'm saying. 'Cause then they sound like they're the result of war. It's the curse of the unintended narrative.

They're gonna what? / Is this your doing? Did you give them this idea, Dan? / I don't do offended, but I am... affronted that you'd even think that.

20,000 and Selina sits on your lap. - What did you just say? - No, not really.

We need to make that woman go away. - And I don't mean kill her. - Kill her.

She was like a beached whale with one flipper fucking around in the air, and you were nowhere to push her back in the sea.

That baby had a mean look in its eyes, like its mama.

My brain feels like it's being fucking circumcised.

Get me a cheeseburger made of aspirin.

I got a hangover worse than the film they made after 'The Hangover.'

Fair enough. Four to six. He said he's a popular guy, so... - I didn't say that. - Yes, he definitely said that.

After taxes, it's like 500,000. It's nothing. What are you gonna do with that?

Not in a Jewish way, either. In a, like, selected from a very short list of 10 way.

Some people say three microwaves is overkill. My response is always, 'Tapas.'

It's like a flowchart for people who don't know what firearms do.

You know what? The only reason you have a fuckin' job is because your uncle is 'Donald Chump.'

Wake up and smell the fuckin' burrito juice.

When I was a kid... a bunch of older kids dared me to kill this stray dog. And I did.

You're a sex trafficker now. How low can you go? Well, however it is, Amy, I'm still higher than you.

I diagnosed myself with an acute case of 'everything's fine.'

Go fuck yourself, 'Jack and the Giant Freakstalk.' Your team lost, and you should be fitted with a leper bell, you sinking shit.

I do. He's a less talented ugly version of me. He's basically a human comfort blanket.

Well, that's appropriate. It's the corn state.

Remember when we only had five days left? Those were good times. Great times.

Great idea. Talk some real vote meat. Rub with a schlub. That kind of thing.

People can smell the stench of death and they're running for the lifeboats. Really? Women and tall, talented men first.

You've got no skills. Your uncle controls a lot of votes, sure. But you? If you tried to clap, you'd miss your hands.

Take your crazy eggs, stick 'em up your ass.

Meanwhile, I can now confidently spread the story that the Maddox camp is hemorrhaging like a burst dog.

Just try to make it look like a regular crate, Gary, not Thor's hammer.

I always call them dicks. It doesn't stand for anything.

You cannot be serious.

This is better than any of the sex I've ever had. I mean, almost any of it.

Dan: It's like I'm a Beatle. / Staff: Well, you got the haircut for it.

Dan: From Ashton Kutcher's assistant, 'Ashton says congrats.' / Selina: Assistant?

Jonah: I've never told a lie in my life. / Dan: That was a lie. Try to keep up, Egan.

Dan: Just to warn you, though... I do like to lick the rim.

Jonah: There's one of me fuckin' a chicken while dressed as bin Laden. / Dan: The chicken is dressed as bin Laden or you're dressed as bin Laden? / Jonah: No, I'm dressed as bin Laden, Dan!

Dan: I can't have a terrorist chicken-fucker next to the president. Security risk.

Dan: It's like she's walking on a carpet of mice. / Jesus Christ, Gary. Are those real shoes or are those fucking dog toys?

Dan: He's got old people coming out of his ass.

This is just noise-shaped air.

Mike trying to be healthy. It's like a potato trying to whistle.

Great pep talk, man.

Harvard education right there.

There are a million young women around here and they all look exactly the same to me.

It's like a diet soufflee.

If any of you new bitch puppies need help finding the mommy teats around here, you can just ask a West Wing vet, 'kay?

The shit is gonna hit the fuck? No, F is for fan, Mike, not fuck. Why would shit hit fuck? Shit doesn't hit fuck.

Popped your cardiac cherry, huh, Mike?

How come you type with only two fingers? You're not a sloth.

Why have you blinded the president, Gary?

You're wrong there.

She's bebop speaking.

There's not gonna be a signal, Jonah.

You know, don't think of them as kids as much as little human start-ups.

And then you take the money you save and you spend it. That's economics.

Just another Saturday night.

I'm the Dan who can.

How's the view from down there, you snake?

This goat's not gonna scape itself.

Girl in the writers' room for the joint sessions speech. She was also at the rally tonight. Sci-fi Sally something.

Who's my sister-in-law who works for the American Family Group.

Wouldn't work. You're talking to a guy who once broke off an engagement at an Applebee's, then ordered dessert.

Like a massive Easter Island-sized head.

Hey, 'I Am Groot,' stop swapping spit here with 'Pretty Woman'

No, I didn't send her a get-well card 'cause you don't get a get-well card when you have plastic surgery.

But it's only been, like, six weeks and three days, so I'm not sweating it.

I kind of feel like hitting on it.

And fired. Yeah, don't forget fired. - Fired up...

Like an initiation kind of thing? No, I mean, can you take on clients who are best served by you shitting on the Meyer agenda?

Finally, something good to watch on the idiot box.

You could say that the president's Iran visit puts a delicious glacé cherry on the cake of Selina Meyer's tour.

Well, I am such a zucchini fan, I practically photosynthesize.

You ever hear of Jonah Ryan? No. Old buddy of mine. We go way back.

the only people left in DC work at CVS

There's no way it could be on the fritz. Just doublecheck and see if it is.

She and I are closer than two fat guys in an elevator.

'It's like a morgue full of dead librarians.'

'This place is leaking bodies faster than a Chinese ferry.'

'Dan Egan is back. Like denim and measles.'

in a way that is deeply feminist... in a way that's deeply capitalist.

This place is like a porn shoot with bunting.

Yeah, he just made an enemy of every stupid person with a gun, and there are a lot of those.

You might be the smartest woman I've ever paid for.

Is she giving orders from under the desk?

Loyalty? Money. Can't you just do this for Selina? No.

You know, at least three of these kids are probably mine.

Not since Herod has there been a piece of legislation so damaging to average families.

This is akin to carrying out heart surgery with a pair of spoons.

And spoiler alert, they do not add up.

Jesus, you know, I always thought the old Amy was kind of an uptight bitch, but now I sort of miss her.

And your support will shrink faster than a penis in the December Hudson.

That's exactly what you just did, dumbass.

Do you think I want to be in this fucking Minecraft piece of shit?

You colossal fucking fanny pack.

You're so stupid, you don't even know that you're being used for your stupidity.

If you want to catch a fugitive, you got to think like a fugitive. Where's he going? Uh, to the airport. Why would he be going to the airport? To catch a plane, Dan.

That's the kind of shit that comes back to bite you when you run for office. Yeah, that's what's gonna hold you back.

Not if we shorten it to Dick. Well, I mean...

Rat and roll. Deal?

I can't stop thinking about it. It's... you know, it's like a bell. It can't be unrung.

It was around the spheres.

Amy, if he wins, our lobbying stock is gonna droop like a chimp's tits.

Off air I'm telling the Nazis that she's hiding in the attic.

That was transcendent bullshitting.

Set up an office with Selina at the Betty Ford Clinic?

Politics bores me. It bores the living hell out of me. God, it's boring.

The bigness. Mm-hmm.

Call me when you get this. Get someone else to dial if you're in a straightjacket.

This is a 360-degree turn. It's 180.

They supply 90% of the country's paprika. Yep, we lobbied for them, so my hands are dirty with paprika money.

Time to turn that noose back into a necktie, buddy.

You ran one campaign for two weeks and had a nervous breakdown. That is medically inaccurate.

You can't fire me, I quib. You know it's supposed to say quit. Well, I just fired you anyway. You can't quib, you rebard.

Well, I am enjoying a delicious sandwich made even more delicious by the fact that there's a homeless guy watching me eat it.

I thought that Carson City was, like, part of Las Vegas. Vegas is 432 miles away.

Really? CBS? I would love to work at CBS.

I am not having a good year.

Good night, have a pleasant evening, and I had sex with your sister.

though I think the DJ already spent the deposit.

I hope you die a horrible death choking on a red, glistening dog dick.

I think that's genetic.

You know, that can be the difference between a three- and a four-star hotel.

Fuck me.

More like a waste De time.

I will bring you back human ears for a necklace. I am your guy.

It was just more a little bit of psychological indigestion.

It's in Annandale, Mike. No one from DC goes to fucking Annandale.

Then what's the point?

And if you listen to me instead of your only two brain cells busy butt-fucking each other somewhere in the vast expanses of your misshapen skull...

Your banner makes it look like your name is Jon H. Ryan, so great job, communications department.

You know what we call people like you back in my day? Retards.

She's a retired second grade teacher, for Christ's sake. / Yeah, who sucks and gives too much homework.

I suppose you need something to nervously shit out.

It's always good to see the most left-swiped face on Tinder.

This is so much more beautiful to watch than the birth of my child.

I don't think you're in it this year, Ame.

There you go, Amy. Problem solved.

This year? It's the 50 Hottest Staffers, Jonah, not the 50 people most likely to kill themselves before trial.

Find a woman who was on it last year, but not this year. I mean, that's like a 'make her pay for dinner' situation.

If you don't look like someone melted Play-Doh all over a flagpole, it does.

OKAY, A: Lionel Richie is not dead, AND B: what the fuck does that even mean?

you sentient enema

Mother Mary dry humping a pillow. That is what I call natural talent.

Feel my dick. I am rock-hard for you right now, mister. You think I'm kidding. Feel it.

Granted, every town up here is just two dirty piles of snow connected by a covered bridge

If you were like 10% less black, I could make you president.

I'm not saying you're gonna be in the top 20, but you would be a lock for, like, mid 40s.

I got it! I got it! The widow saw me filming her and she got mad. She called me some truly awful things. - Oh, thank you, Satan.

(SIGHS) I had such plans for you, Richard.

Okay, you and Boo-Boo the ball-fondling bear here have exactly two seconds to get the fuck out.

The teenager selling cocaine in the bathroom thought so, too.

Fuck me, Amadeus.

Fuck me, Amadeus.

Jonah shot himself in the eye with a rubber band in second grade.

And Ta-da! We went with a Winnie the Pooh knockoff. It's made in China so Ellen will feel right at home. I think he's called Happy Sun Bear.

Jesus fucking Christ. You got to tell your sister to stop calling me.

It actually cost the same as the kid, so it works out.

I can't wait for Wendy to see it. She is gonna... possibly like it.

Too bad Goebbels killed himself.

'Cause I've heard she's a complete gash and a half. Yeah, she really is. Yeah.

Fuck my face!

you human fucking Pap smear.

This predator has roofied more women than Kappa Alpha Cosby.

I will give you my sperm. / Oh, great! / Yeah. / I thought that would take a lot longer.

Okay, uh, could we start the clock in, like, 30 minutes? / Yeah, I guess so. / Actually, no. No, make it 40. The girl I'm thinking of likes to talk first.

You know, the band's name translates to Panzer Division. - What?

You know what I like about you two? It's not clear who's the top. I am.

Why don't we just puppy pile, okay? Then we'll all get a bite to eat afterwards, you know. See a movie or something. You know, we'll make it nice.

I'm just the cream filling in this gay-claire

So, I've been pulling out this entire time for nothing?

Ladies, I am Danny Egan, and I will see you in the tomorrow

Zero anal access. How's that for a new deal?

Well, Buzzy, I think it's rad. ... Which is a combination of retarded and sad.

Because we worked for the president and didn't cost her the presidency. And because we don't look like Herman Munster's brother who liked to molest that pudgy werewolf kid.

And I'm Dan Egan, bringing you your morning every morning of every day for many mornings to come.

Jesus, we were not fucking! - Okay, going down on each other, whatever. I don't wanna know!

But I... I'm actually fucking her. - Dan! - Aren't you engaged to a Yankee?

Maybe you two should fuck differently, then. I don't know. That's where I draw the line, man. I don't take notes on how I fuck.

You're a freshman congressman who still uses his mother's Netflix password.

You said on-air that Bruce Hornsby was a member of the Grateful Dead. / He was a touring member from '90 to '92. He never officially joined.

I dropped it over the side of the Staten Island Ferry while pretending to be Melanie Griffith in 'Working Girl.'

I mean, Jane... I will always remember Jane covering the moon landing. I mean, I studied that footage. That beautiful black and white stuff.

I thought about teaching high school, but, I mean, girls these days just can't keep a secret.

Yeah, she's telling Page Six that she and Brie are clam slamming. Vaginas are so gross. I wish I didn't have one. Sometimes I forget I do.

Jesus, I need to get drunk and slop-fuck an intern.

I was here in 2012, 'Steve Bing'd' a couple stewardesses.

Yeah, well, I'm pregnant and it's yours. - Fuck!

My spidey sense tells me she's gonna yelp like a seagull in a bread factory.

If you wanna go Dutch or whatever on the abortion, just hit me up on Venmo, OK? Oh, you know what? Make it public, OK? Shows I'm a gentleman.

Wow. It always has to be about her. / Never fails. / Every time.

Hey, is Kim here? / No, she got fired for sleeping with you. / Buzzfeed runs a notoriously tight ship.

What do you know about new media, Mike29748@aol.com? / Oh, no. I got hacked. It's Mike53729. / Still @aol though, right? / Until I die.

Nice try, Grandma, but you aged out of Felix's demo back in the 20th century. / Uh, I'm 39-and-a-half. / You may want to start coloring that gray.

I mean, you pull it out to cum on her tits 'cause you think it's gonna make you feel alive. But it doesn't matter where you cum, Ames. Ya know? It just doesn't. It just... It doesn't.

I'm just about to fuck this really hot 19-year-old cater waitress. OK? Oh, and get this. Her name's Meagan.

I was an agricultural advisor. Nothing more.

Is that the Berkeley VC-10? That's like the Shelby Cobra GT of vag-vacs.

Cloud berries are organic and Icelandic.

I mean, that's like blowing a rape whistle while you're raping somebody.

Sit your hawk asses down!

there's no dipping your quill in the company ink. Copy that. I mean sex. Got it. By that, I mean Willa.

Oh! Amy. Yeah, Amy. Reminds me, I gotta Apple Pay her for my half.

Last night I tried to find one non-chain restaurant to eat at, and Yelp basically told me to go Fuddrucker myself.

Oh, Ames, I almost offered to help your career, then bang you and tell everybody in the office you're an unstable slut.

You barely worked at the White House. Ho ho ho ho!

What's wrong with the suit? - Oh, it's not network.

Maybe because he has two testicles.

I think the last time I saw you, your wife was being born.