Dan Egan

Dan:Not really. She's middle of the road. She's mediocre, really. Of all the -ocres, she's the mediest.

Dan:All right, watch me, autismo. You take the little pod, put the little pod in the fucking hole, shut the fucking lid, hit the fucking button for two fucking seconds.

Dan:Yeah, well, next time pack an espresso machine in your big fuckin' bitch bag.

Dan:He ran press for Moses, didn't he?

Selina · Dan:Oh, how nice. Thank you very much. / Two things I would have done differently.

Amy · Dan:I cannot believe you are dating your boss's daughter. / She's fun, she's sexy. She can advance my career. I really like her. / That's the one. / She's great. / That's the one.

Amy · Dan:Did someone order a dick-o-gram here? / Yes, seemingly.

Dan:Ha-ha! Tall, dark and tiresome, you need to get back to your boss's corner.

Dan:Yeah, right after I leaked that story.

Dan:Take a good look at me okay? Now ask yourself something, Mike. Is the man you're looking at gonna be in a position a year from now working above you or below you? 'Cause all ambition you had left your body a long time ago and now all you've got left in the last 10 remaining years of your working life is a damp apartment, cold crab cakes, and an invisible fucking dog.

Dan · Mike:In your poly-sci B.A., did you ever learn how to write a press release? / I think I might have heard of that.

Dan:So, yeah, grab your coat. / Okay, little Jack Horner, there you are. / You got a brand-new desk in the corner.

Dan · Gary:Actually, she's not my girlfriend anymore. I just broke up with her about 15 minutes ago via text. / Well, cold and rather nerdy. / Actually, it was an app.

Amy · Dan:Touch me and you lose a finger. / And a ball.

Dan · Mike:Hey, Mike, your perspiration... / I know. / I'm just saying. / Can't help it. Sign of a healthy body. / There are products available, Mike. / I tried them all. Sweat right through 'em. I got very large pores.

Dan:His Facebook status is 'may God have mercy on my boxers.'

Selina · Dan:This thing is completely useless, by the way. Can move more air by farting. / I'm sure you can, ma'am.

Dan:Those are anti-suicide windows. They only put those in after you started working here, right, Gary?

Dan · Amy:It's like kids read or something. / Kids are unpredictable. They wet their pants.

Dan:It's owned by three generations of African-Americans. I mean there's a narrative built right in.

Dan:Look, Amy, I am genuinely sorry that my arrival here has caused you to become so self-conscious and gain a little weight.

Gary · Dan:I didn't appreciate the reference to my potential suicide earlier. I'm not a joke. / No, you're the guy with the big bag of lip balm, Gary. You're fucking Kissinger.

Gary · Dan:Every single thing you say to me is emasculating. Do you realize that? / Yes.

Gary · Dan:I do a serious job. I'm next to the veep more than any other human being. / You are distantly orbiting her. / I'm her moon.

Dan · Gary:So would you take a bullet for the veep, Gary? / Oh, my God. / No, no, no. / Because, you know, you're gonna be right in the line of fire. / It's not my job. I would help her if she was down. / Right, with the lip balm if she got shot in the lips.

Dan:I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but can I just say? You kinda look like an asshole.

Dan · Amy · Selina:What if we put an ex-oil guy on the task force? Someone who's cozy with oil, but not active oil. / Former oil. / That's lying. / Creative semantics. / Well, that's a creatively semantic way of saying we're lying. / Still creative.

Dan · Selina:Jamaican rum flavor. That's a really strong flavor choice. I mean, it's unexpected, it's funky, it's kind of sexual. Yeah, I don't want to make too quick of a decision. Let's consider other flavors. / Like vanilla. / Oh, c'mon. Vanilla is a girl's flavor.

Dan:Things are about to get very veep-tastic.

Mike · Dan:So you, my friend, have your cock out at a funeral. / Sprinkles. / Oh, come on.

Dan · Leon West:The truth is I had a huge story to give you. It's just been back-burnered. / Oh, sorry. / No, no, listen. Mike is on his way out, all right? Either he or his arteries are gonna quit any second. I'm the new face of the veep's office, okay? / I can bring you major scoops. / You can bring me major scoops? / Hey, come on, I major in major.

Dan · Leon:I can bring you major scoops. / You can bring me major scoops? / Hey, come on, I major in major. / Stop doing that.

Dan · Mike:Oh, fuck it, it's gonna break anyway. Yeah, as a matter of fact, Selina Meyers... / Is gonna come here in a second and order Jamaican rum with sprinkles.

Dan:You know what? I could use a walk. I'll meet you guys there.

Dan:and there it is. [reaction beat to Human Centipede line]

Selina · Doyle · Dan:chuck's oily, but he's not evil oily. he's ex-oil. / noa hollow horse. that's a trojan horse. / he'd be a hollow trojan horse, sir.

Dan · Selina:widow walk. / people don't shout at you when you're standing next to the dead man's grieving widow.

Dan:you guys ditched me at a pervert's memorial. that's some cold shit.

Selina · Dan · Catherine:so why don't you tell dan about the-- you know, the... experimental theater course? / uh, sure. yeah. you can talk to him about that. you can talk about anything. / anything. / talk, talk, talk. / now that we have the permission to talk about anything... / have you ever read faulkner before?

Dan:yeah, it looks astonished. like it's attached to jumper cables or something.

Catherine · Dan:look at gary go. he's like a human teleprompter for small talk. / he calls this gary-oke. / it's so weird. it's like he's the horse whisperer or something. not that i think your mother's a horse.

Dan · Catherine:it's kind of an open secret in washington that mike has an imaginary dog. / why? / gets him out of staying late for work. / we call it his bullshit-tzu.

Staff · Dan:last two on the deck of the titanic, huh? / yeah, i think i might jump.

Dan · Sidney:the vice president would love to have you on the clean jobs task force, but we both know that would look fucking horrible. / thank you.

Dan · Sidney Purcell:the vice president would love to have you on the clean jobs task force, but we both know that would look fucking horrible. / thank you.

Dan:mike's already got a whole setup for one-- the blankets, the crate, the balls, all the little toys and stuff. / why doesn't he take the pooch?

Catherine · Dan:seriously, mike has a fake dog. / you're like the only one here who doesn't know that.

Catherine · Selina · Dan · Mike:seriously, mike has a fake dog. you're like the only one here who doesn't know that. / what? / yeah, he uses it to get out of stuff like if he's late. it's called a shitbull terrier. / it's a bullshit-tzu.

Dan · Amy:Dan stealing the maxim: 'because he who speaks in maxims...' / [beat] 'Can sound wise.'

Dan:This is good. This is like cornbread.

Senator Doyle · Amy · Dan:Hello, children. / Hello, senator. / You looking for some fresh backs to stab?

Dan:You gotta network to get work, baby. All right? Chung for change.

Jonah · Dan:Look who it is, everybody! It's your favorite Jonah. / You're not even your mom's favorite Jonah, Jonah.

Dan:You don't wanna give a loaded gun to that walking silo.

Amy · Dan:Just confirmed... Two fatalities, 24 injured so far. / I didn't mean it like that.

Dan:Do you have something that can fit the McClintock shape that's not a Santa suit?

Amy · Dan:Something Amy said at Chung's book launch. / He was still upset about clean jobs, which is on you, Dan, because you put Sidney Purcell on the task force. / Oh, sure! You know what? I blame George Washington. If he hadn't started this whole form of government, then we wouldn't...

Dan:Oh, sure! You know what? I blame George Washington. If he hadn't started this whole form of government, then we wouldn't...

Mike · Amy · Dan:Once you go down that dark country road, the lights go out and the scarecrows come to life. / Yeah, anyone hear the banjo music? / Look, Mike, that's what you always hear because mentally you're in a fuckin' hammock on a back porch.

Selina · Dan:What did Scott use as a research tool, the fuckin' Drudge Report? / That and bathroom walls.

O'Brien · Dan:Before we do any ordering, I'd like to know if you're going to offend us with some chickenshit deal that means we have to leave before the food comes. / You're fine to order.

Amy · Dan:I feel so horrible. You know, it's like I've ordered a hit on somebody. I'm just waiting for the call to say that it's done. / [phone rings] It's done.

Dan · O'Brien · Amy:You're talking about a 3,000-mile-long fence. / Great for the construction industry. / Yeah, but ironically, the only affordable option would be immigrant labor.

Amy · Dan:[Amy and Dan sit in exhausted silence after the dinner]

Dan · Amy:You've gone up 10 levels in my estimation, by the way. / Which means I've gone down 100 in my own.

Dan · Sue:It is me who tells Selina the good news. / Where is the vice president? / She has gone home for the evening. / Why? / Something about 'getting fucked every which way.' Direct quote.

Mike · Dan:Hey, hey, somebody talk about something else? Anything. / Yeah, I gotta get these images out of my head. Can we talk about... I don't know... our favorite band or something, please?

Amy · Mike · Dan:Yes. Who else are you into, Mike, apart from the Eagles? / Uh, grateful dead. / Oh, that's the name of your favorite whorehouse, too, right?

Dan · Sue:If you like, I can go sit in the vice president's office. / Excuse me?

Dan:Quite right, ma'am. Although, in my defense, I didn't even think you'd be here.

Dan:Maybe he's just flakey like Gary's feet.

Dan:Yup, the whitegeist.

Amy · Dan:Hmm, bummer. Looks like your girlfriend didn't get the chief of staff job with the speaker. Guess I don't have to buy a hat now. / Hat? Oh, wedding? / No.

Dan · Amy:I was deliberately late for work because I wanted her to believe that she was more important to me than my job. She fall for that? / I doubt it. But it's the thought that counts. She appreciates the gesture of me trying to trick her into believing that. / That is so romantic.

Dan:I got a cock like a cappuccino frother. One of the big ones. The industrial ones, not the little ones.

Joe · Dan:Max Geldray knows shit about shit. The only intel he has is on his fucking PC. / Intel, that's a brand of microprocessor. / Strong joke.

Joe · Dan:Oh, shit. They need me back at the west wing like now. / What, did we declare war? / No, it's worse. / Interactive tourist section of the website is down.

Joe · Dan:Hey, there's this extreme metal band playing over at Labyrinth's tonight. Just real fucked up noise. They don't even have a name. / You want to check it out? / Yeah, man. Let's go catch some decibels. You cut me, I bleed metal.

Waiter · Dan:And what would you like? / To eat at a different fucking restaurant.

Dan:I think we should just fine the fuckers till the fuckers aren't fine.

Selina · Amy · Dan:That was totally inappropriate. / Inappropriate. / Inappropriate.

Joe · Dan:Ah! This is fucking primordial. / You know what? You can't find these guys on fucking iTunes. / 'Cause they don't have a name? / 'Cause they're not for fucking sale.

Dan:That's exactly how I feel about the clean jobs legislation.

Selina · Mike · Dan:You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? / Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night. / Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.

Dan:This is class genocide. / This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night.

Dan:Remember that name. No one will want to call their child by that name. There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.

Selina · Dan:Dan, did your boyfriend know anything about this? / I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence. / That's like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo. / I thought... / No, no, no. Let me be more clear. / It doesn't do the job and it makes a fucking mess!

Jonah · Dan:I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't because I didn't know if you already knew, but my loyalty is with potus. / Bullshit. You didn't know he was gonna roll over on clean jobs. / Dan, I had a fucking idea.

Dan · Jonah:You know what, Jonah? I don't think that we should see each other anymore. / Come on. / Sorry. / So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to potus as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore? / What I'm saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon.

Dan:I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so fucking low-rent, you can't even be exploited.

Dan:Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a fuckload is not a nice restaurant.

Dan · Joe:Where is the bread at this place, asshole? / And you, you upstate New York dickshit... / Watch it. / Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York. You guys think you're fucking New York, but you're not.

Dan · Joe · Jonah:You with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. / I don't like you, Dan. / Really? I think you do. I think you're a little sweet on me, Jonah. That's why you're so upset.

Dan:Well, careful when you go to sleep tonight, asshole. Maybe I'll sneak into your apartment with a bag of oranges and fructose you to death.

Selina · Amy · Dan:So you are actually saying that you want me to destroy the policy that you and I have been working on for months, actually years if you think about it, Amy? / Yes. / Wow. / All right, let me get this straight. So you, Dan, who are absolutely against this policy, don't say otherwise, you want me to vote for it. And you, Amy, who love this policy, you want me to vote against it. Yeah? / This is some weird ass 'through the looking glass' shit right now.

Amy · Dan:Vote against. / Vote for.

Amy · Dan:You got Macauley to add this amendment, didn't you? I know you did. / Macauley is his own man.

Dan:'Business card bukkake'

Dan:'Razor blades, a large amount of pain killers.' — Dan suggests Selina's stadium purchases

Dan:'Are you pregnant? Amy, come on, career-wise, that's like joining Scientology or getting a fucking neck tattoo.'

Dan:'Lion King DVD and two shots of ritalin.'

Dan:'I'd be the obvious choice for your replacement.' — Dan's first thought about Selina's pregnancy

Dan:'No. My first thought was, "there goes your figure," but I didn't say that because I thought it would be upsetting.'

Dan · Child · Amy:Dan networking with an eight-year-old: 'My dad works in the state department. / Really? What position? / Trade policy executive. / So he knows Roger Aldrige? / Are you networking with an eight-year-old? / Yeah.'

Dan:'Is Jonah the dad? Is that why you look like you wanna drink a bottle of Drano?'

Dan:'I don't blame you. That's gonna be a long labor. They're gonna be pulling that kid out of you in shifts.'

Dan:'My guitar is for seduction, not crowd control, all right? Granted, on a good night that's one and the same, but still.'

Dan:Dan playing 'Frère Jacques' on guitar for children while crisis unfolds around him

Dan:Dan's guitar lesson for kids: 'You'll figure that out when you get older.' — referring to the mood of minor seventh chords

Dan:Dan's response to the child: 'Hear that? No fun. You are no fun.'

Dan:'The guy's like gay porn... He's everywhere.' — about Leon West

Dan · Jonah:Dan on phone: 'Oh, I take no pleasure in my colleague's very public, brutal...' — then interrupted by Jonah telling him to move away from the TV

Dan · Jonah:'God, she is gonna go ape-shit menstrual over this.' / 'Hey, I'm on the phone with AT&T. Can you stop shouting "menstrual"?'

Dan:Dan's extended metaphor: 'broken fucking condom' pregnancy rumor / 'dead Dan walk' — punctuated by the sound of something breaking in the apartment

Gary · Dan:Gary reveals: 'Selina's had a miscarriage.' — followed immediately by Dan: 'Well, this is good for us.'

Amy · Dan:'How is she?' / 'Free from a major fucking political headache, I'd say.'

Dan:'I mean, I don't know what you did or didn't do, but I do know that I can't know what you know or you don't know.' — Dan's reply: 'I know.'

Dan:'Yeah, why don't you run along and see if you can suck your own cake?'

Dan · Amy · Gary:Gary using a farm animal fable to tell Dan and Amy who's getting fired: horse, sheep, pig — 'Who does she get rid of?'

Dan · Amy:The suicide pact proposal: Dan proposes they all threaten to resign together so Selina can't fire any of them

Dan · Mike · Amy:'Why would we let you in on our suicide pact?' / 'Because three is better than two.' / 'Not with testicles.'

Mike · Dan:Mike reveals he was part of a suicide pact in the '90s with Congressman Hartigan. Dan: 'What happened?' Mike: 'Oh, we got fired.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah reveals an email from Dan to Macauley's chief of staff: 'the senator says, "thanks, buddy"'

Mike · Dan:Mike about unredacting: 'I'm getting really good at dacting.' Dan: 'Do you mean un-redacting?' Mike: 'Taking the black off.'

Dan:Long time no cc.

Dan:Still up here in Cleveland, huh, will? Just rutting around with the regional swine? Slaving away for Furlong?

Dan:Oh, my God. With that provincial sensibility and that girlish figure, you're not gonna last.

Furlong · Dan:What, are you sappy? Is that it? Preppy? / Actually, my name is Dan Egan.

Dan · Mike · Amy:Her crying was very authentic and humanizing. / Okay. / I like your thinking. / I actually found it slightly erotic, too. / I take it back.

Dan · Mike:That's why it took me so long to split up with Angie. She'd always cry, I'd always get a hard-on. / Now you've lost me.

Dan:The crying game play, all right? All we've got to do is set her up and let the cameras roll. Then we've just got to tweak the tear nipple.

Dan · Mike:How do we make it happen? / Could spray her with pepper spray. / Call her fat. Kidding.

Dan · Mike · Amy:It's Catherine, right? The absent mother blubber. / Genius. / Chinese daughter torture. It's a good one.

Dan:What is that, a fax? Is that a message to yourself from 1988?

Gary · Dan · Amy · Selina:Look who's playing golf with the president. / Danny Chung. / Chung. / Shut up.

Dan:She is magnificent. Making rubber day in and day out.

Furlong · Dan · Will:I don't know what the hell she could have been thinking. / When was the last time you cried twice in one day? / It was a little more recently than you'd think.

Furlong · Dan · Furlong:I saw the meltdown. / Congressman, I saw passion. I saw conviction. / I saw a fucking crazy lady. That's what I saw.

Dan · Larry:Hey. It's good to see you. / Why, you need a lawyer?

Mike · Furlong · Dan:Sir, this crying is tracking pretty well. / What? / Oh, shit. / Yeah, it's good. / Okay, that changes everything.

Dan · Mike:Come on, what are you waiting for? Give her the signal. / What the fuck is the signal? / There's no international signal to endorse. Use your fucking head. Give her a thumbs up or something.

Dan · Mike:She can't cry three times in a day. That's three strikes and you're out. / How big are her tear ducts? / It's like they're fucking tidal.

Dan · Mike:Okay, endorse. Endorse. Endorse. / You're sure? / Endorse. Yes.

Dan · Mike:What is that, Popeye? / No, be strong.

Furlong · Dan · Furlong:What the hell just happened? / So great to be part of your feel-good moment. / You're a dirty little prick.

Amy · Dan:You know, my mom said that Selina looked human and vulnerable. / Great. / Not a compliment. / She sees human vulnerability as a weakness. / I like your mom. / Don't talk about my mother, Dan.

Dan:Yeah, you are. Like rubber Jesus.

Dan · Amy:Pinocchio wasn't the puppet master, Mike. He was the puppet. / Uh, yeah, he was. / Five-year-olds get that.

Dan:I just signed for an auto lease. If I could get six months...

Dan · Mike:Thank you, ma'am. This is all I've ever wanted. / This is all I've never wanted.

Dan · Mike · Selina:I guess I've got some business to attend to. / What business? / That's a need-to-know basis, Mike, and you don't have the clearance. / Funny. Is that true?

Dan:This is sad. You're like an old panda that's gonna get put down at the zoo. They bring kids in to watch that.

Dan:Don't give me that sad orphan face. Take your little snack pack and your water bottle and get the fuck out.

Will · Dan:Congrats on the big promotion. You and I should grab another drink. / You know what? Run it by my secretary. His name is Mike.

Dan:Relax, cow eyes. I'm not gonna be sitting here looking at your... cow eyes the whole time.

Amy · Dan:Mike engineered your crying, ma'am. He said that he was your puppet master. / Actually, he said he was your Pinocchio, but I think he meant Geppetto, who was actually the puppet master.

Selina · Mike · Dan:All right, you're gonna need to stay in your former position. / In your face, Dan. Mmm! / Um, ma'am, I may have already issued a press release regarding my promotion.

Dan · Selina:Um, ma'am, I may have already issued a press release regarding my promotion. / Really? / Well, can I unpromote you? I don't think so.

Dan:Egan, all right? Dan Egan. That's Dan with a capital D and Egan with an open your fucking ears. Yes, E as in ears.

Dan:Egan, all right? Dan Egan. That's Dan with a capital D and Egan with an open your fucking ears. / Yes, E as in ears.

Dan · Selina:Want to bet how long it takes Chung to mention his war record? No. 100 bucks says he drops it in the first five seconds.

Dan:Isn't that the catchphrase of the world's creepiest babysitter?

Dan:Wow, that guy is ruthless. A total inspiration.

Selina · Dan:I have a very strong feeling that Kent is gonna get in between me and POTUS, like some sort of thick rubber condom, and I have got to have... Unprotected. Unprotected access to the Oval Office.

Dan:Couldn't have put that better myself, sir.

Dan:Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.

Jonah · Dan · Jonah:So what format do you want this in? Excel? Pie charts? Just, like, in English. Is that a racist joke? Yeah.

Selina · Ben · Dan:What's that shit all over the carpet? Oh, shit. Ooh. If you have some white wine vinegar, that'll get it right out.

Kent · Dan · Dan:What's that shit all over the carpet? / Oh, shit. / If you have some white wine vinegar, that'll get it right out.

Dan · Selina · Gary:You should not be in here. We need to go. I know. We'll do a little hop. Ready? One, two... there we go.

Dan:The White House wants to make sure that they are kept out of the veep's incident, so we want the lipstick throwing to have taken place here and not at the Oval Office.

Gary · Dan:Want to play midterm cliché bingo? First phrase she uses. I already got 'wake-up call.'

Dan:Mike's debt rationalization: 'Oh, the old drink your way out of alcoholism approach. I like it.'

Dan:Dan: 'I get that all the time.' Someone: 'No, you don't.'

Dan · Mike:Dan's Pilates studio infiltration confessional: 'Well, I think I might have found a way to get to Kent Davison.' Mike: 'If you kill his mother and then dress in her skin, that's technically illegal.' Dan: 'Technically.'

Dan · Kent:Dan's talking-head about the regionality paper — cut to him at Kent's Pilates studio: 'Did you just join this Pilates studio, Mr. Egan?' Dan: 'Yeah. Yeah, you know, it's convenient.' 'Where do you live?' 'Nearby. Local... to here.'

Dan:Dan on the hog roast attendees: 'These people have a lot of flesh.'

Dan · Amy:Dan and Amy's 'dying dad' scam — Dan reveals: 'That's my dad. Jesus, he doesn't look like he's dying.' Amy: 'My family was guilt-tripping the shit out of me and so I exaggerated to come visit. Besides, a dying dad can be a get-out-of-jail-free card. Like with Furlong.'

Dan:Dan, genuinely moved: 'That is cold. Also kind of hot.'

Dan · Amy:Dan to Amy after she says her dad is at George Washington hospital: 'Oh, that's a good one. They got a big Starbucks there. It's nice. You know, people go in there that aren't...' Amy: 'You don't have to speak.' Dan: 'Thank you.'

Dan:Dan: 'George Washington. Oh, that's a good one. They got a big Starbucks there. It's nice. You know, people go in there that aren't... You don't have to speak.'

Dan · Amy:Dan on Amy: 'Amy and I just weren't compatible.' Amy: 'Right. It turns out I can't mate with anyone outside of my species.'

Dan · Selina:Dan: 'I think I'm gonna go get a coffee. Anyone else?' Father: 'No, thank you.' Selina: 'I will help you carry that second coffee.'

Dan · Selina:Dan: 'Amiable Amy? That is the best you could come up with?' Amy: 'Yeah, you know, I knew I should have gone with Amy Whitehouse.'

Amy · Dan:That's gonna electrify DC. — Oh, it's gonna AC DC.

Dan:Yeah, it's what you want to hear in a hostage crisis. Robust, not bumptious.

Dan:You like your reds through a bendy straw, too, right, Mike?

Dan:You got donut on you, Mike.

Dan:Oh, shit a shark.

Dan:Okay, now she just sounds mentally ill.

Dan:It's time to robust a nut all over this place.

Dan · Gary:Gary, I need the speech. I need the Vice President's ear. — Get your own ear, van Gogh. — Back off.

Dan · Gary · Mike:There goes the R-bomb. — I thought we weren't doing robust. — I thought we were still on considered.

Selina · Gary · Dan:Gary-oke time. — It is. — Danny-oke? — End of an era, buddy. End of an era.

Dan:Oh, yeah, me and Kim Kardashian. Ha ha.

Selina · Dan · Ben:Does aggressive trump robust? — Well, it's robustier. — No, robust is like a rock and aggressive is like paper. — Oh, shoot, paper covers rock. I forget about that.

Selina · Amy · Dan:Oh, well, that's all we want. We all want the big one, don't we? — Did she just make an innuendo? — Yep. Yep.

Selina · Dan · Amy:Oh, I wish that was my cousin's name. — This is the worst small talk I've ever heard. And I'm including mine in that and mine is horrible. She's done worse. I can't think of when, but she has.

Dan:Legacy marker. Yeah!

Dan:Ma'am, I just want to say consummate performance. Not only did you rescue the hostages, but you annihilated Sue. You picked the operation date to blow her appearance off the map. I mean, genius play, ma'am. Genius. I call that overshadowboxing.

Dan · Mike:What rhymes with majority? Nothing. / Oh, priority. And authority. Sorority. Oh, my God, there's a million words that rhyme with it.

Dan · Mike:We're all being hit by deadlines, right, Mike? Yes, sir. They can swing around and smack you like a boom.

Dan:You know, I once went powerboating on Lake Erie. Amazing rush.

Dan:What's the fucking difference?

Dan:Is this the amount of times you've admired yourself in the mirror today? No, I'm guessing that's the difference in salary between this job and the one that you just interviewed for.

Dan:Simple makeup, higher neckline. Flats don't go with that dress, which means you probably have heels in your bag. Coffee from corner bakery implying you were at one of the lobbying shops on 18th.

Dan:I think he'll be pulling Bon Jovi out of a burning tank in case we all forgot what a fucking war hero he is.

Dan:You're out of your head, dude. That would have made people piss in their pants.

Dan:Three words... Weird Al Yankovic.

Dan · Mike:Just protect the endangered goose, Bruce. / These are all great. / If the first one bombs, people are gonna be sitting out there thinking, 'Shit the bed, we got 49 more of these to go.'

Dan:In college all the girls liked me. There was this one girl, smart, who had no interest in me. She wasn't gay either. I checked.

Mike · Dan:And did you? / No. / And that failure has haunted me to this very day.

Dan · Jonah:Good morning, Jonad. / You're pathetic. / Jonuts!

Dan · Mike:Everyone hates him. / Yeah, but we hated him first. / Oh, yeah, we hated him long before it was even fashionable to hate him.

Dan:You're obsolete. You're like an old VCR, but with a bigger mouth.

Dan · Amy:Amy, you should stop eating so much. / What the fuck are you talking about? / You're stress eating. / I'm not. I'm having dessert.

Dan:Find yourself a political nerd who also showers. I'm just saying I'm looking out for you. I wouldn't want you to become a fat, neurotic freak. Speaking as a friend.

Kent · Dan:This is imbecilic. / You're right. It's asinine. / No, keep smiling, Mr. Ryan. / I'm smiling falsely. So should you.

Dan:Ma'am, I'm gonna get you major online traction. Reddit, Tumblr, boom.

Selina · Dan:Whatever. Just don't use my bathroom on Air Force Two. / There's another bathroom?

Selina · Jonah · Dan:All of your privileges are gonna be removed. / Okay, but not the parking. / Yeah, the parking. / Wait, what? You have parking? / Not anymore. / But I didn't even own a car. I just had to sign a two-year lease for the Nissan Cube.

Dan · Selina:He should really be on suicide watch. / Yeah, make sure he goes through with it.

Selina · Amy · Dan:Post-Jonah departure — 'Better?' / 'It's all good.' / 'Totally fine.' / 'Great.' — followed by a long silence beat.

Amy · Dan:You need to do it like Mike. Yeah, I don't want to be like Mike, okay? Even Mike doesn't want to be like Mike.

Dan:How do you do that Fozzie Bear, happy guy, wocka-wocka bullshit to get the press to like you?

Mike · Dan:Oh, you want to learn to McLin-talk, huh? Remember it's a performance. You have to pretend that you're charming. It doesn't matter if the jokes are weak, keep it loose. Deliberately bad jokes. It's kind of genius.

Dan:Explains a lot.

Dan · Amy · Selina:So you guys all think of a card. I'm thinking nine of hearts. I'm thinking joker.

Dan:Selina, you looking for 50 ways to leave Helsinki?

Dan:I apologized less after I banged my brother's fiancée.

Dan:I bet when you take a crap, it actually comes out as a number two.

Dan:What about the grope? I mean, come on. Thank you. That is an attack on America. All right? That's like a sexual 9/11 in my opinion.

Dan:Or a sexual Cuban Missile Crisis at the least.

Amy · Dan · Selina:It's not like we can go public about the grope. It would define you. / Your tit being fondled by a Finn would be all you're remembered for. / You can't build a statue on that.

Dan:Your tit being fondled by a Finn would be all you're remembered for. You can't build a statue on that.

Dan:You're career poison. Do you know that? Jesus, that's why you like sailing, because you're a fucking anchor dragging promising careers down to the bottom of the fucking ocean.

Dan:Well, tell that to Oprah when you mount your comeback.

Dan:Look, you marked it highly confidential, thereby guaranteeing that this thing is gonna go viral.

Amy · Dan · Selina:I just found out who that British reporter is. / 57 Twitter followers. / That's shit for a journalist.

Dan:Dan describing waiting for the Mary King meeting outcome: 'It's like waiting for a biopsy result.'

Amy · Dan:Mary King pretended to faint to win negotiations against Brian Earl

Dan · Amy:Dan's reaction to learning Amy's date is Ed Webster: 'You swore you were only gonna date outside DC.' / Amy: 'He's not in DC. He works in Boston.' / Dan: 'Well, my mom doesn't live in Rome, but she's still a fucking Catholic.'

Dan · Amy · Gary:Dan: 'Are you getting worked up, Danny?' / Dan: 'Shut the fuck up, Gary.' / Amy: 'I'm so happy you're happy for me, Dan.' / Dan: 'Oh, what do you want, a fucking cake?'

Dan:Dan to Ed after Selina fails to remember him: 'Hey buddy, don't worry that she didn't remember you, okay? It's only 'cause you're a nonentity.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah revealing to Ed that Amy and Dan used to date: 'Amy and Dan used to date, FYI.' / Dan: 'Yeah, thanks for the backgrounding, Jonah.'

Jonah · Dan · Ed:Jonah to Dan: 'Does that mean you're back on the market?' / Dan: 'I'm sorry, are you hitting on my date during my date?' / Jonah: 'Are you on meds?' / 'Yeah, antibiotics. Just keeping fresh. I'm not mentally ill if that's what you're implying.'

Dan:Dan to Amy about Andrew/Selina flirting: 'This is not flirting. This is like as subtle as putting a nude photo on Facebook.'

Amy · Dan:Amy to Dan: 'I heard whining and I assumed I needed to apologize. How long have you not been listening to me?'

Jonah · Dan · Ed:Jonah to Ed: 'So, Ed. Eddie. Who do you know? Do you know Ray McCaskill? We both are really into '80s buddy comedies, which is ironically how we became buddies.' / 'Fuck buddies.' / Jonah: 'Why are you here? You really don't have anything to do, do you?'

Dan:Dan's Jonah takedown: 'Jonah, you're not even a man. You're like an early draft of a man where they just sketched out a giant mangled skeleton, but they didn't have time to add details like pigment or self-respect. You're Frankenstein's monster if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah: 'I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Just try not to embarrass yourselves while I'm gone.' / 'We'll give it a shot.'

Selina · Dan · Gary:Dan is furloughed over Gary because 'you two do similar jobs'; Dan asks 'Does that mean he makes more money than I do?'

Sidney · Dan:The oil lobbyist Sidney describes Dan's career: 'So what you're saying is your career has stalled. So now you and your slack pussy want to make big bucks as an oil lobbyist, right?'

Sidney · Dan:Sidney orders the most expensive everything; Dan says he'll 'keep it light — chicken salad and a Diet Coke'; Sidney overrides him: 'Give him exactly what I'm having. It's our first date.'

Sidney · Dan:Sidney asks Dan about swindling 'sister fuckers out of their land in Nebraska'; Dan: 'Consider me your well-groomed dust bowl, my friend.'

Sidney · Dan:Sidney creates a code: 'The VP will be the lobster. Amy, greens. Mike, carrots. Dan, you can be shrimp. Do you see what I did there, Dan? I made you shrimp.'

Dan · Sidney:Dan reveals VP staff intel using food code: 'The lobster is getting back together with her ex-husband. The greens are barely keeping it together. The carrots are drowning in debt.'

Chung · Dan:Chung's vision of the future: 'In six years' time, you and me, Oval Office ordering a pizza and an air strike. Thin crust, extra warheads. Get the Rolling Stones to perform in my fucking living room.'

Amy · Dan:Amy tells Dan about Selina's situation: 'Land deal shit, fake relationship shit, shutdown shit. You left out that she just did a deal with Roger Furlong and is becoming semidependent on antidepressants.' Dan: 'Oh, well, what could possibly go wrong?'

Selina · Dan:Selina's pep talk to herself about Janet Ryland: 'She's staid, she's stately. She's old and cold and I'm warm and... Young?' '...Young, exactly. And I'm a mother. So we should round up Catherine, at gunpoint, if we have to.'

Selina · Dan:Dan suggests Janet Ryland. Selina reacts with obvious horror at 'First Response.' Then: 'Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a great idea. That's precisely what I want to do, Dan. Good.'

Dan · Selina:The 'bluff puff' / 'rough puff' media strategy taxonomy, culminating in 'All right, Puff Daddy'

Dan · Selina · Amy:Bluff puff... rough puff. Nobody does rough puff like you. Rrr. Give me that rough puff. / All right, Puff Daddy.

Dan:Janet Ryland's dress described: 'like she vomited flowers all over herself'

Dan:'She's kind of a frumpy librarian.'

Gary · Dan:Yeah, let me just pull that out of my ass. / It's DC. You can find someone willing to open their ass on a Sunday.

Lighting Director · Dan:Lighting director: 'Yeah, let me just pull that out of my ass.' / Dan: 'It's DC. You can find someone willing to open their ass on a Sunday.'

Dan · Amy:Dan and Amy spot each other through a window while plotting, described as 'Apocalypse Now'

Dan:Dan: 'you might as well cut out eyeholes and peer through a fucking newspaper'

Dan · Amy:The team's dilemma: They can't tell Selina about Andrew's e-mail because Janet is right there — 'You don't think she's gonna notice we're whispering in her ear? Then she gets on and she tells this dildo to look it up.'

Amy · Dan:Amy: 'Andrew's fucking us again.' / Dan: 'He's screwed us in all known dimensions.'

Dan · Amy · Andrew:'He's political poison. He's political--' / cut to: 'Hi, Andrew.'

Dan:Dan: 'I know that you want to kill somebody right now... but unfortunately it can't be anyone in the building.'

Dan · Amy:Oh, Andrew's been veep-fucking? You knew about this? / Okay, this is a category five shit storm. She's over. She's done. I'm gone.

Dan:Dan's reaction to learning Andrew has been staying in Selina's bedroom: 'Oh, Andrew's been veep-fucking? You knew about this?' — 'Okay, this is a category five shit storm. She's over. She's done. I'm gone.'

Dan · Amy:Dan: 'Oh, my God, she didn't know. That reminded me why I got into this business. I am so attracted to you right now.'

Dan · Amy:Dan to Amy after the Catherine outburst: 'You know when you're 12 and you just get rid of it?' / Amy: 'No. Speak for yourself.'

Amy · Catherine · Dan:It's gonna look really bad for your mom if she doesn't know that you're a vegetarian on TV. / I'm not gonna sacrifice my morals for her career anymore. / I've done that. It's not that bad.

Dan · Janet:With all due respect, this is not news. This is the fucking Food Channel you got here. / Okay, well, with all due respect, fuck you. I own the edit on your shit-show politician that you connected yourself to, not me, you little gremlin.

Dan · Janet:Dan: 'This is the fucking Food Channel you got here.' / Janet: 'With all due respect, fuck you. I own the edit on your shit-show politician... you little gremlin.'

Dan:Dan: 'Antique windows. Bring it down.' (twice) — apparently the code to calm the situation while also referencing the actual environment

Dan · Amy:Dan: 'Amy, let's go find your dignity over here, okay?' / Amy: 'At least I am giving a shit. You are flatlining all day.'

Dan:Look, I've graphed her performance, okay? Look at this. Look at this nice little graphic. Here's time, here's her fucking career. Now maybe there should be a little uptick because she didn't barf her food all over the table, I don't know.

Dan:Dan sings 'Dixie' to calm Amy down: 'When my memaw used to find herself getting snappy, she would sing her favorite song. ♪ Oh, I wish I were in the land of cotton...'

Dan:Calling Tel Aviv — Dan's aside about Catherine's Iranian-American boyfriend Rahim

Dan:Look, I tried to wake her up, okay? I have no choice but to be the fucking curveball.

Dan:Dan: 'I spewed out so much bullshit, I'm gonna need a mint. A fucking mint.'

Jonah · Dan · Amy:Jonah: 'I'm just gonna head back if anybody needs me-- West Wing.' / Dan and Amy: 'No one does, Jonah.' / 'No one needs you, Jonah.'

Dan:Dan: 'Just need six more years like today, and they will vote us POTUS.'

Dan · Selina:'The Young Chungers.' / 'It's like you think in hashtags.'

Dan:'Maybe we can call the over 65ers the Granny Chungs. Something. No, I'll keep working on that one.'

Dan:'Your mix is my command.'

Dan:'Well, the way POTUS is going, he'll probably stumble into a war sooner or later. Chung will reenlist and hopefully get himself killed.'

Dan:'This is awkward. Like catching your sister's eye at an orgy.'

Dan:Dan: 'Okay. I'm disappointed in you. This is the kind of behavior I would expect from myself. But from you? Uh-huh.'

Dan · Amy:Dan: 'So we both jump together. You know, Butch and Sundance.' Amy: 'Don't they both die?' Dan: 'No, not when they jump. They die at the end.'

Dan:'I think I got that off a Catholic schoolgirl once.'

Gary · Amy · Dan:Gary: 'it can react badly with the body if she's already on immunosuppressants, beta-blockers, or antidepressants.' / Amy and Dan simultaneously: 'Oh, okay, fine. She's not on any of those.' / Beat / 'Well, she is on antidepressants.'

Gary · Dan:Gary: 'It's herbal. It's from the earth.' Dan: 'So are mushrooms, dipshit.' Gary: 'Okay, that's illegal drugs.'

Dan · Mike · Selina:Dan buys Mike's boat while Selina is clearly intoxicated: 'Shake on it, Magic Mikey.' / Mike: 'You just got a boat.' Dan: 'And I just got a vote.'

Dan:'You just broke his brain, Amy. Jesus, look at his stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it.'

Amy · Dan · Jonah:Jonah: 'She can't do the Fun Run.' Amy: 'She can barely do a convincing walk at the moment.' Dan: 'Can and will.' Amy: 'Can't and won't.' Dan: 'Now go up and screw a pillow. The room's paid for.'

Selina · Mike · Dan · Gary:The Taiwan cartoon: anime-style news report showing Selina walking into a glass door, everyone laughing including Selina

Dan · Amy:Dan and Amy watching Selina on stage: 'She is definitely wearing too much makeup.' 'She looks like Marcel Marceau.' 'He couldn't tell the difference between real glass and air either.'

Dan · Mike:Dan: 'Did we warn her one of the Get Moving ambassadors was a one-legged veteran?' / 'He's behind her. She's never gonna see him.' / 'Does it look good, her beating a one-legged guy like that?'

Dan:Dan: 'The key is we make it look like she could beat the guy, but then she lets him win.' / 'Yeah, a win-win by losing. That's good.'

Dan · Amy:Dan and Amy betting on whether Jonah will listen to Dan or Amy: Amy: 'So which one of us do you think Andre the Giant Jagoff is gonna obey?' Dan: 'I'm surprised he gets to work without being hit by a car or punched in the mouth.'

Dan:Dan immediately starts making calls to other employers the moment Selina announces she's leaving — while still in the room.

Amy · Dan:He's not getting a call. He's making a call, right? / Hi. Yes. Can you please tell Governor Chung that Dan Egan is ready for the Chung chat?

Amy · Dan · Amy:No, it means I have absolutely nothing to do. / I meant for her. / Still, this might mean that we could spend more time together. / Let's take it one day at a time. Sweet Jesus.

Dan:Yes, Congressman Kosynski. Or should I say mentor Kosynski? The father figure my own dad was too weird and distant to be.

Dan:Like that night that you stayed over and we read the papers the next morning? That was really nice. And I thought, yeah, that is something that I could do for the rest of my life.

Dan:Oh, yeah! That's awesome. I did not see that coming. Selina Meyer, she deals 'em fire. Bam! Boom! Let's go to the fucking moon!

Dan · Selina · Dan:Uh, I've accepted a number of posts. / Did you say a number? / Currently four.

Selina · Dan:Wow. You're gonna cancel them, right? / Oh, clearly. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Dan:Accidental dick move. I had to write Selina's speech for the science fair so fast that I think I plagiarized a speech that I wrote for Chung.

Chung on YouTube · Amy · Dan:It's not about what America means to me. It's what I mean to America. Because America would be nothing without Americans. / Jesus, you wrote this shit? / Yeah, it's like a noun-verb gumbo.

Dan:So it's the fictitious girl. I gave her the same girl. Although I did change it from Juanita to Anita.

Dan · Chung:DC's current go-to place for these off-the-record meets. / Good choice. Under the radar as we used to say in the military.

Dan:Yeah, I think other people say that, too.

Dan · Chung · Dan:After all, you didn't really meet anyone named Juanita who said that. / No, I did. As I recall, it went something like... ( Spanish accent ) 'Mr. Ching, I come to America to work. I send money home, but life here is so hard for me.' / I didn't know you did voices.

Dan:Hey, don't call me kid, okay? I mean, A: you're not Jimmy Cagney, all right? And B: we're practically the same fucking age.

Dan:Oh, okay. Do you see this? See this right here? You know what this is? This is me playing 'Fuck You' on the world's biggest cello.

Dan:God, you know, if I had a dollar for every time you mentioned that goddamn war, I would buy a tank and I would blow your fat fucking head off.

Dan:Uh, Selina is about to get a Potal bullet through the head and you are all about to be unemployed and homeless. But, Amy, I don't want you to worry. You can crash at my place.

Dan:And the science fair speech was plagiarized from Chung. Just wanted you to know that up front.

Selina · Dan · Selina · Dan · Amy · Selina:What? What? What? What? / Yep. / You're kidding. / No. / And so it begins. / Yeah, with a kick to the tits.

Dan:I'm only being nice to you because I know that Selina's gonna make me the campaign manager.

Dan:Unless POTUS is chiseling his fucking statement out of marble, I don't get it.

Dan · Amy:A good campaign manager always has to think one phone ahead. / You're not a campaign manager yet.

Dan:Yes, and I likewise am disappointed that you have not. Amateur.

Dan · Amy:What the hell are you doing here? You weren't invited. / Unless you're the worst man.

Dan · Jonah:Pentagon Pam? / She give you any hint on the Maddox announcement? / Nah, she didn't give me anything. Except for flirty glances.

Dan · Jonah:What's that stubby thing you got there? / 'WestWingMan.net'? Never heard of this. / Come on, man. You're embarrassing yourself. / That's the hottest gossip site in DC. / Yeah? 'Lifting the lid on the Inter-agency Softball League'? 'Face to Face with America's Wind Tycoons.' Wow. This is some seriously butter knife-dull shit, man.

Dan · Jonah:It's you, isn't it? / Who told you that? / You just did, you dummy.

Dan · Jonah:Gonna wash those paws, big guy? / Are you kidding? My pheromones make bitches moan. I'm gonna leave a trail right back to my apartment.

Dan:Jonah, what's the point? You don't show up in photographs.

Dan:I hate how he learned English from pornography.

Selina · Dan:Dan, listen. We're going to have to do something if Maddox is actually gonna run. / Yes, ma'am, yes. I was voted Most Likely To Do Something Now in my class yearbook.

Dan · Amy:Texting behind your back? Jesus. / You Hendrix texting? / Just staying ahead. That's what a good campaign manager does. / No.

Jonah · Dan:You guys are just like two little pretty Easter eggs. I'd love to crack you open. / Hey, Hepatitis-J.

Dan · Jonah:How's that pic you posted on your blog going, huh? / It's a hashtag hurricane, bitch tits.

Dan:Yeah, yeah. Make sure you do that before Google caches it, because once that happens, it's on there till the end of the world, which will also probably be your fault.

Jonah · Dan:What's Google's number? / I don't know. Ask Jeeves.

Jonah · Dan · Terrence:Sir, I don't have anything else in my life. / He really doesn't. / See? Exactly. Thank you, Dan. / Fuck you, Dan!

Dan:Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but... Yes, yes, I did. And just like that, Jonah is gone, forever.

Dan · Selina:Yeah, and just hang back here, do a little pre-prep. / Why would that be, Dan? Is that a pre-stabbing in my pre-back?

Dan · Selina:"The only laundering you're gonna be doing from now on is gonna be prison blankets." / That's kind of clever.

Dan:"The only crack you're going to see belongs to some guy in a shower."

Dan:No, it's just a shame they couldn't arrest someone a little more photogenic.

Dan:So keep the groups apart — pro-choice in the morning, pro-life in the afternoon so nobody shoots any doctors.

Mike · Dan:"Freedom is what this nation is built on..." blah, blah, blah... "and freedom means the freedom to choose how to use that freedom to protect the freedom of others." / Sorry, that's just pastel-colored shit.

Selina · Amy · Dan:Is there a third door? / What, like a woman's door? A back door? No. / A trapdoor?

Selina · Dan:Well, you know what I think. I'm a Christian. I'm not going to deny that. / Please, do not go religious. Go ambiguous. / By saying what? / 'Blah, blah, blah, blah... abortion, blah, blah blah blah'? / Sounds good to me.

Dan:I can't get POTUS to wave his transvaginal wand and make it all go away.

Unknown · Dan:Holy shit. Maddox is about to issue a statement in five. / At 1:00 in the morning? What's his statement gonna be? / 'I have to go to the bathroom'?

Mike (reading) · Dan · Ben:"Science may give us the map, but we are lost without morality's compass." / Ah. / Jesus, what a talking gas giant. / It's like listening to Jupiter.

Dan:Ma'am, Maddox said nothing, but at least he said something. / We've literally said nothing.

Dan:Meanwhile, that shit shovel-faced fuckin' Jonah is telling people you're feeling out options.

Dan:I was clear. We just need to pick a fucking number, any fucking number. Give that fucking number to the fucking press, and go to fucking bed! How much more clarity do you need? / You want to put it on a T-shirt? Come on!

Dan:I'm so sorry. I did not mean to blow up like that.

Dan:I love abortion, okay? I am an abortionado. / But I would go pro-life in a fetal fucking heartbeat if it meant winning.

Dan:How very Dan Brown.

Dan:Oh, sarcasm. That's an interesting strategy for a potential campaign manager, Amy.

Mike (reading) · Dan · Unknown · Unknown:"I believe a 22-week cutoff is appropriate." / Has anyone ever come up with that number before? / Never. / We're going to need a bigger melon.

Dan:'22 and a half weeks' sounds like an erotic thriller.

Dan:"Me-Too Meyer," "Shit for Brains..." / No, I'm sorry, they won't say that. I'm just really tired.

Jonah · Dan · Jonah:Dan, what the fuck are you doing here? / You shouldn't tweet your location to someone who wants to kill you. / Oh, so you do follow me.

Dan:I swear to God, I'm gonna rip your guts out through your tiny, shriveled, little chihuahua cock.

Dan:You see this, Jonah? This is what happens when you fuck with my office. / If you say anything on-air about the Veep, I will break your legs so severely, you'll end up normal height.

Dan · Jonah:You're looking kinda hungry, Jonah. / You want some of that burrito? / No? Hey, you, 'Ugly Betty,' give me that burrito. / Don't just give it to him, dude.

Dan:Dan says the speech is 'locked' — then immediately says there are 'a couple of tweaks' in paragraph two on page one.

Selina · Dan:Selina: 'Did you give them this idea, Dan?' / Dan: 'I don't do offended, but I am... affronted that you'd even think that.'

Dan:Dan to Amy about Selina (who hasn't moved in five minutes): 'It's like her fucking head's gonna spin around.'

Dan:Dan: 'Is there any way to snap her out of this "Diving Bell and Butterfly" shit? She should be rehearsing my speech by now.'

Dan · Selina:Selina calls 'Lorne' at SNL and resolves the sketch problem — she'll just 'embrace it' and appear on the show. Dan: 'What about taking a dump in your car?' — callback to Selina's earlier metaphor.

Dan · Staffer:There's a typo on the home page. She might have a 'great sense of density' for this nation, but that's not the line we want to push.

Dan:You should have changed the name to 'MoneyMoneyMoney.Gov.'

Selina · Dan:It is called 'multitasking,' Dan. I do it every... Damn it. / You just typed the word 'multitasking,' didn't you? / No.

Dan:Tame her or shame her?

Dan:you were watching a baby fill its diaper.

Amy · Dan:you were nowhere to push her back in the sea... you know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever 'they' are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.

Kent · Dan:Hey, fucking pencil neck. / He just swallowed his phone in fear.

Dan:It's obvious that I would make the best campaign manager. I'm not asking you to tell her that, but please, would someone fuckin' tell her that?

Dan · Ben:Yeah, and a couple of whisky chasers? / It's still Tuesday for another six minutes.

Dan · Amy:Get me a cheeseburger made of aspirin. / Where are you going, Dan? / I am going to get some air and then throw up in it.

Dan:I got a hangover worse than the film they made after 'The Hangover.'

Jonah · Poker Players · Dan:Sorry, man. His site has traction. / My site has traction. / It was linked on Playbook this morning. / Oh, my God, yeah, did I tell you? My site was linked on Playbook this morning.

Dan:At least Selina didn't torture any Iraqis. Unless she had an Iraqi maid or something.

Dan:Look, if we don't go with this Chung torture story, someone else will. We just don't know the facts. We put it out there, and then something will arrive that backs it up. That's Journalism 101.

Dan:He's not calling back. Go with it.

Dan:He's not calling back. Go with it.

Craig · Dan · Others:Look at that pile of elbows. / His site's been blowing up all day. Who is that guy? / That's Jonah Ryan. Everybody knows Jonah. / He's well-known in DC circles.

Craig · Melissa · Dan:Okay, how much do we have in the New Venture fund? / 50. / Let's take 3 or 4 and buy that site. / No way! / You mean millions? / Fair enough. Four to six. / He said he's a popular guy, so... / I didn't say that.

Dan · Jonah:Destiny. / Clovis wants to buy Ryantology. / That's right! / Oh, my God. You see these brains? See why I'm pattin' 'em? Because they are made of solid platinum.

Jonah · Dan:Everybody who said that I would never make it... where the fuck are you now, huh? / Some of them are still in senior positions.

Dan:Jonah with money. God Almighty. It's like if Hitler could fly.

Dan:He asked me to come in with him, Jonah did. I'd be rich right now. I'd be handcuffed to a prick, but I'd be rich.

Dan · Jonah:Jonah, we didn't get into this for the money. / You take that chicken soup and you shove it up your soul.

Jonah · Dan:Hey, pizza delivery, buddy. I got some meat you can put in your mouth. / You fuckin' asshole! / Hey, want a complimentary soda?

Dan · Jonah:Speaking of screwed, I heard you lost four million dollars. / Yeah. / I feel your pain. / I had to dump that 150 on purpose in the game today. / You fucked me, Dan. You fucked me with your face.

Dan · Kent:Dan's motivational speech to new staffers: 'Selina Meyer will never forget you.' Immediately followed by Kent: 'You are going to change America in a way that usually only war and fluoride can.'

Dan:Dan's induction speech: 'Not in a Jewish way, either. In a, like, selected from a very short list of 10 way.'

Dan:Dan: 'Some people say three microwaves is overkill. My response is always, "Tapas."'

Dan:Dan's induction: 'She's gonna ask you for a chamomile. She doesn't want chamomile. She wants peppermint. She gets a little confused, but do not point it out.'

Ben · Dan:Ben: 'Got my vote.' Dan: 'Yeah, I got your vote.' (on Ben's fantasy platform)

Dan · Amy · Ben:Amy on Dan's sudden niceness to staff: 'You guys remind me of me when I was you. Look at me now.' Ben: 'Nobody says shit like that voluntarily.'

Dan:Dan to an intern: 'Load faster, you asshole.' Gary: 'Gary, get your arm out of my airspace before I shoot it down.'

Selina · Dan:Selina: 'I should be the "three-mile candidate."' Dan: '"Three Mile" has negative connotations.' Selina: 'Yeah. Well, there might be one here too.'

Dan · Amy:Amy and Dan compete over who can put aside campaign manager ambitions. Dan: 'I can totally put that aside.' Amy: 'Of course.' Both immediately try to grab the spot when Selina says 'Dan, you're coming.' Amy: 'Well, actually, I have a load of...' Dan: 'Laundry to do?'

Dan · Jake:Maddox's aide Jake is introduced. Dan recognizes him as a former colleague: 'You're Maddox's bagman? That's quite a demotion.' Jake: 'I have several responsibilities for Secretary Maddox.' Dan: 'And I think you'll find I'm quite the Renaissance man.' / 'Oh, well... please, by all means, "Leonardo." Yes. Chop-chop.'

Selina · Dan · Gary:Selina learns Jonah is Maddox's entourage. Selina: 'Tell Dan he needs to find Jonah now and poach him.' Dan and Gary: 'What?' Group: 'Jeff Kane is Jonah's uncle?' Dan: 'Oh, no!'

Dan · Jonah:Dan tries to make peace with Jonah. Jonah: 'Why the fuck do you care? Because you hate me.' Dan: 'All right, look, there's a fine line, Jonah, between hate and non-hate.'

Dan · Jonah:Dan: 'You attacked me with a burrito.' Jonah: 'And if I could turn back the hands of time, I would.' Dan: 'Oh, what, so you could do it again?' Jonah: 'No... The juice could have gotten in my eyes, Dan. The spicy burrito juice.'

Dan · Jonah:Dan: 'You attacked me with a burrito.' / 'And if I could turn back the hands of time, I would.' / Jonah: 'Oh, what, so you could do it again?' / Dan: 'No. The juice could have gotten in my eyes, Dan... the spicy burrito juice.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah: 'You know what? Selina's gonna lose and President Maddox is gonna have you both executed!' Dan: 'That's not even the way it works, you fuckin' idiot.' Jonah: 'Oh, yeah? Well, maybe you're a fuckin' idiot.'

Selina · Dan:Selina returns from the country house defeated. She just moans. Dan: 'All right, guys, listen. Maddox is running.' Password is 'mother_fucker.' 'So our next move is to stop Chung from running.' Selina: 'No.'

Dan:Dan on female candidates' electability: 'The subtext of every question will be, "Yeah, you're pretty, but can you break a man's neck?"'

Selina · Dan:Selina asks Dan if he wants to be campaign manager. Long pause. Dan: 'Yes.' Selina: 'Yeah.' Another pause. 'Yes, I do.' 'Okay.' 'Yeah!' 'Yeah, mm!'

Dan · Selina:Dan says he doesn't mind being called a gigolo because he likes older women. 'They do. They have life experience. Not just the sexy stuff. Well, they've got that too, I can tell you that.' Selina goes silent and then coughs.

Selina · Dan:Selina and Dan begin to bond over dark secrets as the new campaign team. Dan says he has 'skeletons.' Selina: 'Oh-kay. Here we go.'

Dan:Dan's skeleton: 'When I was a kid... a bunch of older kids... dared me... to kill this stray dog. And I did.'

Amy · Dan:Amy tries to call Selina from the bar to warn about the Ericsson betrayal. Dan: 'I invited you guys to dinner.' Amy: 'Yeah, then you kicked us out.'

Selina · Dan:Selina, back at home: 'How did you kill it?' (the dog, to Dan) Dan: 'Sorry, what?' Selina: 'Nothing. It's fine.' Pause. 'We're good?' Dan: 'Yeah.' 'All right.'

Dan:Time to lose your fiscal cherry.

Dan:You're gonna be like the 'fairy job-mother.'

Amy · Dan:You know what? Next time I'll get a clown and cheer you up. — Oh, good, a two-clown entourage.

Dan:But you, you know, you're hip. You're 'deck,' you know? Deck's a thing, right?

Dan · Ben:We need to get her on stage faster. — I don't know. Use a jet pack. / Yes, she's got to get off the stage fast too. — Well, stick her in a cannon.

Dan · Gary:Gary's confessional: 'So, Gary, you know how when a trainer and a vice president love each other very much?' — They're having sex. — Oh, you know. — Yeah, I figured it out. — I mean, look at him, you know? Look at her. My God.'

Selina · Ben · Dan:Ben, can we slap another restraining order on this creepy bellboy? — No problem. — See that? — Or how about a drone strike?

Dan · Amy:Come on, we all know Andrew's terrible for her. So I sourced Ray. He's her new chew toy. — You're a sex trafficker now. How low can you go? — Well, however it is, Amy, I'm still higher than you.

Dan:We know. You're Ray-curious.

Dan:I get it... 'Muscle Mary don't not understand smart-guy world,' huh?

Dan · Ray:Sorry, I didn't mean to strike a nerve there. — You didn't strike a nerve. I'm just saying... because you're in shape doesn't mean you don't know that 'IMF' means 'International Money Fund.' — 'Monetary.' Close.

Dan · Unknown Aide · Selina:Kids... can we all just agree here that Selina's fucking Ray? I mean, only a moron couldn't see that. — Selina and Ray are fucking? — Uh, I'm still on speaker here. And so is Mr. Davison.

Dan · Amy:You know what? Today is the day that Selina Meyer's campaign begins. — You say that once a week.

Dan:Tell my mother to push the weekly call to Wednesday.

Selina · Dan · Mike:'Veep's campaign needs a helping hand.' — Jesus. — How the fuck do you screw up a handshake, Mike? It's four fingers and a thumb.

Ben · Dan:Jonah had a good idea. We've never planned for that. — Great hand job, pal.

Dan:Great hand job, pal.

Amy · Dan · Selina:So, look at guns, but don't touch guns. — Oh, God. — Don't even say the word 'gun.' Use words like 'protection' or 'assurance.' — But in context. Don't say, 'Freeze, or I'll protect your fucking head off.'

Dan:Guess 'Operation Ray' failed, huh? Don't worry, I can write you a statement. 'I resign.' Or is that too wordy?

Amy · Dan:Obesity is a huge issue. — Yeah. It absolutely is. It is.

Dan:We are running some reverse 'My Fair Lady' shit here.

Dan:'Good Mourning, America'... mourning with a 'u.'

Dan:I need you to get Selina a meeting with Prince Charles... that 65-year-old fuckin' intern.

Dan · Gary · Mike:Well, she's gonna drink it and she's gonna smile, Gary. / I've got some peppermints. / I've got digestive enzymes.

Dan · Selina:The vice president is now going to 'pull a pint.' / Come on down. / I just said that. / Yep, yep.

Dan · Amy:They're eating this up. I think we just landed a catchphrase. / They're not saying 'Daniwah.' They're saying 'down in one.' / Moron.

Dan:'Daniwah' is trending. It's number 2 under Kate Middleton's bony ass.

Dan · Amy:Dan: 'I am Dan With A Plan Egan, so if I can't work, then you can't work...' / Amy cuts him off: 'Call him back. We've got to go in there and talk to Selina. / That's... I was doing a little role-playing.'

Dan:Nicely done, 'Obi-Wah Kenobi.'

Dan:I can handle one paper, guys. And you know this about me. I can chop this thing in two like a disputed kitten.

Dan:To paraphrase 'My Fair Lady,' we need to get to the fuckin' church on time.

Selina · Dan:Way to go, Dan. / Way to go, Ray. / Yeah, just throw the blame around. Not at me, though. It's not my fault.

Dan · Amy · Mike:Daniwah! Easy, buddy! Get your hands off me, all right? I don't want to catch your fucking idiocy. Oh, he's having a heart attack. Are you having a heart attack? No, I think he's just having a breakdown.

Dan:Dan possibly having a heart attack: 'No, no, no. I don't panic. I'm the fucking iceman. That's why I'm the campaign manager.'

Dan:I gotta say, Amy. You're like an actual friend. I mean, throughout all this... you know, me being made campaign manager over you... I mean, you could have been a real bitch, and you've been great.

Dan · Amy:You know, me being made campaign manager over you... I mean, you could have been a real bitch, and you've been great.

Dan:Am I hallucinating? Can I please get some better drugs?

Dan · Jonah:What, are you molesting coma patients? Is that a thing? I might, now. Maybe I'll just put them in some funny hats.

Amy · Dan · Kent:'George Looney.' / Hey, Kent.

Dan:I diagnosed myself with an acute case of 'everything's fine.'

Dan · Amy:Can I get anybody a coffee? / Milk and two heaping spoonfuls of whatever the fuck you're on.

Dan · Maddox:It's so smooth, it's amazing. It's like touching a child's face. Here, try it. / I don't enjoy touching children's faces. / And neither should you.

Dan:You know, a lot of that aggression comes from insecurity, buddy.

Dan · Selina · Amy:I feel your pain. You okay? / I'll be better when you walk away. / If only we could all just walk away.

Dan · Amy:He fucked her. / Oh-hh! This feels better than actually having sex yourself.

Jonah · Dan:I just want to say I'm sorry if I wasn't very sympathetic to your, you know, mental head issues. / Go fuck yourself, 'Jack and the Giant Freakstalk.' Your team lost, and you should be fitted with a leper bell, you sinking shit.

Jonah · Amy · Dan:Yeah, okay. / Boy, I do not know what I saw in you. / I do. He's a less talented ugly version of me. He's basically a human comfort blanket.

Dan · Gary · Selina:The crate reveal — Gary opens a box within a box to reveal a reinforced speaking crate, injures himself, Selina delights in it

Dan:Huh? See, it's folksy, it's traditional, and it's reinforced with titanium so you won't fall through.

Dan:It's like a chicken came in your mouth.

Dan:Women and tall, talented men first.

Dan:But you? If you tried to clap, you'd miss your hands.

JJ · Dan:Boom, Isabella Herrera. / Mm-hmm. / Boom, Liz Graham. / Okay. / Ace up the sleeve... booya... Ally Craig. [long pause] Well, that's very interesting.

Dan:take your crazy eggs, stick 'em up your ass. / Meanwhile, I can now confidently spread the story that the Maddox camp is hemorrhaging like a burst dog.

Gary · Dan:Oh, my God. It's like this thing is glued to the ground, Dan. / Just try to make it look like a regular crate, Gary, not Thor's hammer.

Selina · Mike · Ben · Dan:POTUS is resigning. Selina's president. / Fuck off! / POTUS is gonna resign. Selina's gonna be president. / Oh, shit.

Dan:This is better than any of the sex I've ever had. / I mean, almost any of it.

Mike · Dan:Wow, only 44 other senior press advisors have ever felt like this. / That's right, yeah. We're the chosen ones, bud.

Dan:Someone has just flown two planes into my career.

Dan · Selina:Dan: 'From Ashton Kutcher's assistant, Ashton says congrats.' Selina: 'Assistant?'

Dan:Dan refers to Kelly and Richard Splett as 'Dynamic Duo — Batman, Boy Wonder... young... Lady Wonder.'

Dan · President Hughes aide:Dan Egan: 'I bring bad news to the closet.' (meeting held in a closet)

Dan · President Hughes aide:Dan: 'Give you 24 hours? Like in a movie?' / 'No, I mean, yes. Please.' / 'You have six hours. We can't afford 24.' / 'Or for six hours, depending on how you do.' / 'Alternatively, goodbye forever.'

Dan · Boss:Boss: Give you 24 hours? Like in a movie? / Dan: No, I mean, yes. Please. / Boss: You have six hours. We can't afford 24.

Jonah · Dan:Jonah: 'But, Dan... I've never told a lie in my life.' Dan: 'That was a lie. Try to keep up, Egan.'

Dan:Dan's phone call: 'I would love to go for margaritas. Just to warn you, though... I do like to lick the rim.'

Kent · Dan:Kent: I don't want you on top of me. / Dan: Well, I'm going to be. So, work with it.

Jonah · Dan:Jonah describes the meme of him 'fucking a chicken while dressed as bin Laden' and the debate over who is wearing the bin Laden costume.

Jonah · Dan:Jonah: 'I'm like a boom op on a porn shoot right now.' Dan: 'I can't have a terrorist chicken-fucker next to the president. Security risk.'

Dan:Dan: 'Yeah, except there's no bridesmaids to fuck.' (about the inauguration being like a wedding)

Dan · Aide:Dan: 'Jesus Christ, Gary. Are those real shoes or are those fucking dog toys?' Aide: 'Sounds like the theme from Psycho.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah's negotiation demands: West Exec parking for the Cube, mess hall privileges, and 'somebody that works for me — a Jonah.' / 'And henceforth they will no longer be known as Jonahs. They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the fuck that person's name turns out to be. And you can't hire anyone named Jonah.'

Dan:Dan: 'Maybe Chung didn't torture that guy, but he sure is waterboarding the fuck out of us in the polls.'

Dan · Aide:Dan: 'A great advantage that she has over the other candidates in this race is that she's the president.' Aide: 'She's not the president.'

Mike · Dan:Mike: 'It's good we won Dixville Notch.' Dan: 'It's got a population of 12, Mike.' Mike: 'I know, Dan, but it's famous.' Dan: 'Our Lord Jesus started with 12.' Mike: 'He didn't win New Hampshire, either.'

Dan · Jonah:Dan to Jonah (who wants a desk by the window): 'Yeah, Dan? Promise to jump out of it?' Jonah: 'Well, I'd be on the first floor, so that really wouldn't work, would it?'

Dan:You know, some content would be nice in this speech. This is just noise-shaped air.

Dan:Mike trying to be healthy. It's like a potato trying to whistle.

Dan · Jim:I guess we did too good a job. / So we still don't know what's going in her speech to the joint session. I mean, what do we do? Google it like a best man speech?

Jim · Dan:It always has with every president I've been comm director for. How many is that? This would be my second. And actually, it didn't always come together with President Hughes. We had many failures.

Dan · Jim · Selina:There isn't an A. We're numbering the sections. We are? We are. We agreed on numbers. So section A is now section one. Harvard education right there.

Dan · Selina · Jim:There are a million young women around here and they all look exactly the same to me. / You big lady racist.

Selina · Dan:Who is that? / Hey, who is Cathy?

Dan:There's still no content in this speech. It's like a diet soufflee.

Mike · Dan · Amy:I don't like to swear, guys, but I think the S is about to hit the F. / The shit is gonna hit the fuck? / No, F is for fan, Mike, not fuck. Why would shit hit fuck? Shit doesn't hit fuck.

Dan:Hey, Dobby the house elf, we've had enough. Just get out.

Dan:Popped your cardiac cherry, huh, Mike?

Dan · Amy:Wait, she's got the hard copy, right? I mean, that's her backup chute right there. / Great, she reads that while we edit this.

Gary · Dan:Gary: I have her glasses. / You should not have those. / Why have you blinded the president, Gary?

Dan:You're wrong there. You run into the chamber and you give her the glasses and you keep running until you hit the ocean.

Dan:Ha ha ha! I've done it! I rule so hard.

Dan:Oh, shit. I always get it wrong. It's a 50-50 chance. I never get the right side up.

Dan:It is up and the eagle has noticed.

Dan · Amy:Well, she just announced a dead guy's plan. / He's not fucking dead.

Jonah · Dan:So there wasn't even like a little part of you that thought I was gonna be in these talks? / Okay, look, just sit there in the meeting and let me take the lead. If I need your help, I'll give you a signal. / Okay, what's the signal? / There's not gonna be a signal, Jonah.

Dan:Don't think of them as kids as much as little human start-ups. You know, spend to save. And then you take the money you save and you spend it. That's economics.

Dan:He's eager and hardworking and never complains and every night I dream of drowning him.

Dan:Oh, well, I guess you'll meet them all at the Scorsese screening you're having in your head.

Ben · Dan:You know, there are hordes of young women who roam the halls of the West Wing. 15% of them were hired to be fired. Yeah. We call them the Expendabelles.

Dan:Oh, yeah. And I'm in charge of the canning, Jonah. I'm the Dan who can.

Dan · Jonah:What about your side dick here? You tell him stuff? Oh, God, yes. He was more involved than I was. He was up to his thighs in it.

Dan:Right now I've gotta go. This goat's not gonna scape itself.

Dan · Selina · Gary:Girl in the writers' room for the joint sessions speech. She was also at the rally tonight. Sci-fi Sally something. Ellie? Chloe. Marie. Claire. It's Lee. Gary is right, her name is Lee and she is a fine staffer. I see splashes of myself in her. I now regret that phrase.

Dan · Lee:It doesn't even work. So do I leave tomorrow? You leave now. Unless you're on a tour, you will not be at the White House tomorrow.

Lee · Dan:What if I cried? Like the women do in movies? Wouldn't work. You're talking to a guy who once broke off an engagement at an Applebee's, then ordered dessert.

Dan:May I have your pass? It was a pleasure working with you... Lee.

Dan · Selina:Yes, ma'am. I've been fattening him up for just this occasion. I got him a staff. And I got him involved in Families First. I even got him on the campaign. He's the one who did the fireworks and the music for last night. That was him? Off with his fat head.

Dan:You know, that kind of surprised masturbator face.

Jonah · Dan:Hey, Egan, VP wants to see the P. He thinks a bigger head needs to roll, okay? Like a massive Easter Island-sized head. Hmm. No. No. Look at me, I've got a small head. I could wear a child's hat.

Jonah · Dan:Besides, I know about you spreading the Danny Chung torture rumor. Well, that's useless leverage right now, Jonah, because you have all the credibility of someone who hacked the medical records of a sick child.

Dan:Hey, 'I Am Groot,' stop swapping spit here with 'Pretty Woman' and get me Brock and Hunter.

Party supply man · Dan:Damn, man, this guy's balls are so big, they're practically tits. Huh? Johnny Tit-balls. Yeah, don't squeeze the milkers too much. Milkers. Love it.

Jonah · Dan · Richard:You were firing me? What the hell was that? Nothing. It's just jock stuff. You know, just guys having fun. That isn't, Jonah. That's sexual harassment.

Dan · Jonah · Richard:Jesus, does he do that to you all the time? No, not all the time. Sometimes, but not all the time. It's just high spirits.

Dan:Amy, the gates of hell have opened and you are my plus one.

Dan · Ben:I thought you resigned. I guess the president changed her mind. It's a fickle world, my friend, and you've just been fickled.

Dan · Ben:No. No, this is not... This is not real. You're right, Dan. It's a dream. And me and Kent are about to turn into two horny cheerleaders and start making out.

Dan · Ben:So am I fired? Please, Ben, don't say that I'm fired. You're not fired. Oh, thank fuck for that. Because you've just resigned. It's a perfect fit.

Dan · Ben:I know about the targeting of bereaved families and the use of federal data. You listen to me, you little fucking turd's assistant. You don't threaten this administration because we will fucking destroy you. We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty fucking chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your dead fucking eyeballs.

Dan:Yeah, you know what? I, uh... I think I'm gonna need a bigger title before I agree to resign.

Dan · Ben:All right, how about Deputy Assistant to the President? That's funny.

Dan · Unknown:Ew, you guys... Hey, man. Yeah, well, you know, enjoy it. I'm not here to gloat. I've been through this.

Dan:Stevie, it's Dan Egan. So, um... so it looks like I am a free agent again. Yeah, so give me a call. It's the same number as the last two messages. Hey, Jen, it's Dan. Either your phone is dead or I am. So obviously I hope it's the first one. Josh Stansfield. How are you? It's Dan Egan. So, look, I... And you've gone.

Dan:Well, that was an education. — I mean, what I really want to do is get into lobbying. But it's only been, like, six weeks and three days, so I'm not sweating it.

Sidney Purcell · Dan:Can you take on clients who are best served by you shitting on the Meyer agenda? — Oh, well, let me think about that. — Yeah. Yeah.

Sidney Purcell · Dan:We'll get to that doorstep thing later, though. — Yeah, I'll still do that. I'm into it.

Sidney Purcell · Dan:Hey! Why are those lovely long legs walking away from me? — Probably means you.

Dan · Sidney Purcell:She's not exactly government-issue herself, is she? — Yeah. Hey, don't even look at her. — Oh. — I'm kidding. Or am I? — Huh? No, seriously, I'm just fucking with you, Dan.

Sidney Purcell · Dan:We've just started lobbying for glacé cherries, so mention glacé cherries. — Well, how do I work in glacé cherries into a political roundtable? — You'll figure it out. Listen, you give me glacé cherries, and I'll give you a bed of money with pussy on the nightstand.

Dan:You could say that the president's Iran visit puts a delicious glacé cherry on the cake of Selina Meyer's tour.

Dan · Amy:Well, welcome back from the wasteland. Here's to us. To a job well done on your part. — You were great. — Yeah, I know. — You know, we could still be great. — We could? — Oh, yeah.

Dan · Amy:Am I that transparent? Really? — Dan, you kind of are. — Well, Amy, I would love it if you would give me... access to the White House. — Oh. — What? — You think I was gonna ask you something else? — No. — Okay.

Dan:Dan: 'I practically photosynthesize.'

Dan:Dan's only contact is Jonah Ryan: 'You ever hear of Jonah Ryan? No. Old buddy of mine. We go way back. Love that guy.'

Dan · Sidney · Jonah:Dan being sent to get coffee for the zucchini farmer and Jonah — he's become the coffee boy

Dan · Jonah · Richard · Sidney:The coffee machine is claimed to be 'on the fritz' but Dan was told it worked fine earlier — Jonah obliviously orders a soy cappuccino anyway

Dan · Richard · Jonah:Dan claims Amy and he are 'closer than two fat guys in an elevator'; Richard immediately claims he 'used to date' Amy and knows her 'inside and out'; Jonah says he'll call her too because 'Ames' is actually 'long for Amy'

Dan · Jonah · Richard:Dan discovers Amy has quit via mass text — 'Holy shit, Amy's gone' / 'Holy shit, that's insane. Wow, I'm getting the same thing, guys. Maybe we're getting the same text message. Oh, yeah, we are.'

Dan:'All right, bottom line, we cannot let Mr. Zucchini the human vegetable find out about this.'

Dan:'I have a little black book, okay? I have numbers the NSA doesn't even know about. Have you heard of Mike McClintock?'

Dan:If I keep going at this rate, I'm gonna have gout of the mouth.

Dan:It's so slutty, isn't it? This place is like a porn shoot with bunting.

Dan · Amy · Lobbyist boss:Oh, man, I'm really enjoying this sibling rivalry between you two. I'm trying to figure out what that makes you to us. Daddy. Ah.

Dan:'No, I didn't, Gary. And why the fuck are we here?' — Dan's response to Gary asking if he saw the pictures

Dan:'Is she giving orders from under the desk?'

Dan · Gary:'For one reason only.' / 'Loyalty?' / 'Money.'

Gary · Dan:Gary accidentally reveals Ben is involved by reacting to Dan's guess

Dan:'Nobody shakes hands in a craft shop.'

Dan:'You know, at least three of these kids are probably mine.'

Congressman · Dan · Amy:'This is the same folder that Jonah Ryan had.' — congressman recognizes the Office Depot folder as conspiracy evidence

Dan:'Jesus, you know, I always thought the old Amy was kind of an uptight bitch, but now I sort of miss her.'

Dan:'Oh, my God, dude, I got out of there like I had a fucking map.'

Jonah · Dan:'Dan, get out of my car.' / 'Do you think I want to be in this fucking Minecraft piece of shit?'

Dan:'You colossal fucking fanny pack. You don't get it, do you? They only sent you 'cause they knew that you would fuck it up. You're so stupid, you don't even know that you're being used for your stupidity.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah's car won't start; he reverses as a fix; Dan points out he should just go straight — 'I took a precision driving class, Dan. I think I know what I'm doing.'

Dan · Richard:Dan: 'Okay, new rule in the Cube. If your name begins with D, you need to shut the fuck up immediately.' Richard: 'I'm fine because my name begins with an R.' Dan: 'Not if we shorten it to Dick.'

Dan:Amy, if he wins, our lobbying stock is gonna droop like a chimp's tits.

Dan:Amy looks off her game, distracted. I only really know Amy as the woman who rushed everywhere clutching her phone like it contained her frozen embryos.

Dan:Works frantically to avoid dealing with her weird mix of lack of self-worth and narcissism. I really like her.

Amy · Dan:I'm going. I have to go. / What? No, you can't do that. / Yeah, no, I have to see this play out with Selina.

Amy · Greg · Dan:Amy's on-air meltdown: 'And you're acting as though I'm sounding shrill right now? / Yeah, yeah, keep making that face implying that I'm shrill. / Hey, could someone check the parking lot? I think all the alarms are going off.'

Dan:Time to turn that noose back into a necktie, buddy.

Dan · Greg:I'm fired? / Yes, get out. We are doubling down on O'Brien, so you're basically as useless to me as a 40-year-old woman.

Greg · Dan:Oh, 'You can't fire me, I quib.' / (LAUGHS) You know it's supposed to say quit. / Well, I just fired you anyway. You can't quib, you rebard.

Amy · Dan:Whatever useless, vain, vapid thing you're doing right now, drop it. / Well, I am enjoying a delicious sandwich made even more delicious by the fact that there's a homeless guy watching me eat it.

Dan:You know, Candi Caruso would have asked me nicer.

Dan:What is wrong with you, you Paddington Bear-looking fuck? You just gave them a Time Life instruction manual on how to fuck us.

Dan:You guys have Michael Jordan sitting on the bench here, but you're starting Hakeem Olajutwat.

Dan:See that? Yeah, that's a comma. After fuck, that is a comma. So it doesn't say 'Fuck Selina Meyer.' It says, you know, 'Fuck, Selina Meyer!' That's a testament to this voter's earthy but unambiguous enthusiasm for President Meyer.

Dan:Sophie, haven't seen you in years. How are your illegitimate children?

Dan:You know, I got my sister her own room. So it's just little old you in that big old room.

Sophie · Dan:Everybody here is so boring. / The shit you do is such bullshit. / Remind me again what it is that you do that's so interesting. / I work at CVS.

Dan · Sophie:Really? CBS? I would love to work at CBS. / Oh, God, don't be a dick. / No, I'm serious. There's always openings. Do you seriously think that you could get me something? / Maybe late night. / Late night's perfect!

Dan · Unknown colleague:Dan slept with Amy's sister Sophie thinking she worked for CBS. She works for CVS. 'You sold your dick for bulk iced tea and off-brand cough syrup.'

Dan:'I am not having a good year.' — Dan's reaction beat / talking head after the CVS reveal

Dan · Amy:Jesus, you're still here? / I don't know why. My only jobs seem to be asking Bob and finding out what Bob thinks.

Dan:'Oh, but on your way, would you mind stopping at ABC News and picking up some Advil? Oh, did I say ABC News? I meant Rite Aid.'

Dan:Oh, but on your way, would you mind stopping at ABC News and picking up some Advil? Oh, did I say ABC News? I meant Rite Aid.

Dan:'Yeah, I think you're forgetting something, Amy, is that I still had sex with your sister, so...' / 'Good night, have a pleasant evening, and I had sex with your sister.'

Selina · Dan:'Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, Jonah.' — Selina, then Dan, both immediately saying the same thing

Dan · Jonah:My rusty sheriff's badge? / Oh, I'm sure that showing your anus gets you into all your regular social clubs, but this is the White House mess.

Dan · Dan:I hope you die a horrible death choking on a red, glistening dog dick. / Have a lovely Thanksgiving, Mrs. Ryan.

Dan · Tom James:Oh, this is gonna wipe that crooked smile off Jonah Ryan's face. I think that's genetic.

Tom James · Dan:Raise your right hand and repeat the oath. [Dan raises hand] I'm fucking with you. Come on, let's go.

Tom James · Dan:Also one cream, splash of half-and-half, one sugar, one Splenda. [pause] If that's not too much trouble.

Dan:Dan realizes Tom James has been getting him to fetch coffee — he's been played into running errands.

Tom James · Dan:And one cream. Splash of half-and-half. One sugar and one Splenda. [long pause] Fuck me.

Dan · Tom James:Today's media-go-round was a tour De force. / More like a waste De time.

Dan:I will bring you back human ears for a necklace. I am your guy.

Dan:It was not a breakdown. It was just more a little bit of psychological indigestion.

Dan · Amy · Kent:I think Tom is up to something with Sidney Purcell... And he said that I was crazy. / You know what it could be? That you are fucking crazy. / Tom James. / It was a fucking panic attack. / Tom James. / Goddamn panic attack.

Dan:I fully support your decision to live as an ugly woman.

Amy's dad · Dan · Amy's dad:So for dessert, there's apple and pecan pie. What would you like? / You know, I would love a little bit of both. / Oh, you want both, do you? / Yeah, why not? / I'll tell you why not, you shit sack Casanova. You have had sex with both of my daughters.

Mike · Dan:Hey, Dan. You want to go to lunch later at Hansong Korean Barbecue? / Come on, I've got a Groupon, expires Monday. / 50 bucks for $100 worth of food. / It's in Annandale, Mike. No one from DC goes to fucking Annandale.

Mike · Dan:Hey, how about an $80 in-home massage for 40 bucks? / With release? / No. / Then what's the point?

Ben · Candi Caruso · Dan:I'm sorry, Candi. The position's been filled. / Aw. / Thanks for coming in. / It's good seeing you again. / Mm-hmm.

Amy · Dan:They make you look half smart, you fucking goon. / You know what we call people like you back in my day? / Retards.

Dan · Jonah:The widow's beating you by 30 points. / She's a retired second grade teacher, for Christ's sake. / Yeah, who sucks and gives too much homework. / She's your second grade teacher? / Yeah.

Dan · Bill:Bill. I thought you were in the... / The slammer? My lawyer got it thrown out on appeal. / O'Brien hired me to be the Widow Sherman's new campaign manager. / You're kidding me. / No, Dan. One thing you learn in prison is not to make jokes.

Bill · Dan:I assume what I'm seeing is the patented Egan touch. / I'll see you on the campaign trail, amigo. / Tell the president no hard feelings. / Oh, wait, that's right. I do have hard feelings. I'm consumed by them.

Dan · Jonah:I guess when he had cancer, the doctors removed his ability to stop doing his kid's babysitter.

Selina · Dan · Jonah:Put that world's tallest pile of garbage on the phone right now. / It's the president. / Fuck... / Hello, ma'am. / Hey, hunchback.

Jonah · Dan:She hung up. / Fuck her. / You know, Selina Meyer is a second-rate mediocrity whose only achievement is single-handedly tanking the economy. / But somehow we're the losers doing anal with each other? / Her entire presidency has been one disgrace after another. / She has never respected me. / And I'm bad at my fucking job? / Fuck! / You know what? That's bullshit. / You're doing a good job. / Oh, fuck off. / No, this glasses shit, that was dope. These look great. That was a great idea.

Dan:This is so much more beautiful to watch than the birth of my child.

Dan:I don't think you're in it this year, Ame. There you go, Amy. Problem solved.

Dan:The emails from Tom Petty's lawyers keep on getting angrier and angrier.

Jonah · Dan:How am I not on 'The Hill's' 50 Hottest Staffers list this year? This year? It's the 50 Hottest Staffers, Jonah, not the 50 people most likely to kill themselves before trial.

Dan:The whole point of the 50 Hottest is not to be on it. It's to use it to learn who to fuck. Find a woman who was on it last year, but not this year. I mean, that's like a 'make her pay for dinner' situation.

Dan:If you don't look like someone melted Play-Doh all over a flagpole, it does.

Dan:Yeah. Fucking Gary's number 21? What? Well, that just makes a mockery of the very idea of hot rankings.

Dan:OKAY, A: Lionel Richie is not dead, AND B: what the fuck does that even mean?

Jonah · Dan:New Hampshire loves my zingers. It's my personality that has gotten us this far. No, I am the one who got us this far, you sentient enema.

Dan:Mother Mary dry humping a pillow. That is what I call natural talent.

Dan:Granted, every town up here is just two dirty piles of snow connected by a covered bridge, but Jesus Christ, Jonah, you grew up here. How do you not know this shit?

Dan · Richard:Richard, who do we have tracking the widow? Nobody. Then go out there and buy a camera and videotape everything she does. Do you want 4k or 1080p? Just buy any fucking camera.

Dan:If you were like 10% less black, I could make you president.

Dan:Listen, don't worry so much about what's up here, okay? Worry about what's in here. And if you work at that, I'm telling you, you're gonna be back on the hot list, Amy. I'm not saying you're gonna be in the top 20, but you would be a lock for, like, mid 40s.

Dan:I had such plans for you, Richard.

Dan:Oh, bowling alley's always a good choice. I mean, skating rink's good for a male candidate, but it's cold and gals tend to nip out.

Dan:Okay, you and Boo-Boo the ball-fondling bear here have exactly two seconds to get the fuck out.

Teddy · Dan:Our work is done here. Tell Selina hello. Yeah, great place for an event, Dan. The teenager selling cocaine in the bathroom thought so, too.

Dan · Amy:Hey. — Oh, looking good, 26.

Jonah · Dan:Fuck me, Amadeus. Can't even see the guy that Jonah's yelling at. God, Polly's not gonna think that I was yelling at her, will she?

Dan · Richard · Jonah:Wait a second. Richard, tell me you have that from the other angle. Oh, definitely. [FOOTAGE: Teddy shown] What are you doing here? You did the same fucking thing! Literally. Oh, yeah, you know what? You're right, I did the exact same thing.

Dan:Hey, Slick. What's Blondie's situation? Does she choke for Coke?

Dan · Jeff:Jesus, those are your pajamas? / It's the outfit I picture when I'm trying not to come.

Dan:Twins? Oh, my God. / Oh, no, I'm twice as happy now.

Dan:Knock, knock, future calling. Cheese, please, Louise.

Dan:Oh, yeah, like one of those movies for people who like to be sad.

Dan:We're in the process of converting the guest bedroom into a nursery for our arriving Chinese angel... It's made in China so Ellen will feel right at home.

Dan:So much cheaper. And we've checked the room for lead, so there's... actually, I need... I'm supposed to check... I have to get a guy to check the room for lead, but we will check for lead.

Dan:Even though, and I quote, 'the fact that I'm a woman means we will no longer have any women presidents because we've already tried one and she fucking sucked.'

Dan:Well, I'll give you this... Candi Caruso would not eat this amount of shit. Unless afterward she went into a bathroom stall and used the old two-fingered wood chipper.

Dan:Why would I want to stand next to a twig like that all day when I can stand next to you?

Dan:It actually cost the same as the kid, so it works out.

Dan:I can't wait for Wendy to see it. She is gonna... possibly like it.

Dan:Now that there will be three babies on the way, we decided to move the kiddos upstairs to the master and this will be the new love palace. She gets the dresser and I'll hang those in the... I don't know where. The lead, still a problem.

Dan · Ben:Dan muses about needing an agent to take the 'Dan Egan brand to the next level.' Ben: 'Too bad Goebbels killed himself.'

Richard · Dan:Richard introduces 'hot interns' Colt, Brady, and Mason — three conventionally attractive men — to Dan, who wanted hot female interns.

Dan · Colt:Colt (male intern) brings Dan an exceptional latte. 'Oh, my God, this coffee is exceptional.' / 'Can we please keep him?' / 'Yeah, absolutely.'

Dan · Amy:'Well, that just kind of made this whole year worth it.' / 'Yeah.'

Dan:Dan gets a job offer from a TV network, gets another offer from CBS News, and tells both people he's chosen CBS — 'Egan out.' Then immediately confirms CBS means Columbia Broadcasting.

Catherine · Dan:Marjorie and I have decided that we wanna have a baby, and we'd like to do it... / I will give you my sperm. / Oh, great!

Catherine · Dan:Is there anything else that you wanna talk about? / I'm good. / Well, we'll send you the details. And if you could not ejaculate for the next 72 hours, that would be ideal.

Dan:Could we start the clock in, like, 30 minutes? / Yeah, I guess so. / Actually, no. Make it 40. The girl I'm thinking of likes to talk first. / Amber, it's Dan-Dan. You in midtown?

Dan · Catherine · Marjorie:You know what I like about you two? It's not clear who's the top. I am.

Dan:Why don't we just puppy pile, okay? Then we'll all get a bite to eat afterwards, you know. See a movie or something. You know, we'll make it nice.

Dan:I'm just the cream filling in this gay-claire

Dan:So, I've been pulling out this entire time for nothing?

Dan:Ladies, I am Danny Egan, and I will see you in the tomorrow

Dan:Zero anal access. How's that for a new deal?

Dan · Buzzy:I call it Yoloha. It's a combination of YOLO and aloha. — Well, Buzzy, I think it's rad. — Which is a combination of retarded and sad.

Dan:Okay, first of all, I never miss a glutes day.

Dan · Roberta · Jane:Dan is called into a meeting with HR, accused of sexually harassing Jane — turns out he had filed the complaint against Jane, not vice versa

Dan:Dan's measured, heartfelt send-off for Jane's departure is immediately followed by 'And we'll see you bright and early Monday morning when our own Brie Ramachandran is gonna take a look at the darker side of s'mores.'

Jane · Dan:Jane's departure speech — 'I tried my damnedest, but this world is just... it's full of snakes and snares' — while Dan performs concerned colleague face

Dan:And we'll see you bright and early Monday morning when our own Brie Ramachandran is gonna take a look at the darker side of s'mores. — Don't wanna miss that.

Dan:Because we worked for the president and didn't cost her the presidency. And because we don't look like Herman Munster's brother who liked to molest that pudgy werewolf kid.

Dan:And tomorrow, a sex offender registry for dogs.

Dan · Brie:It's about time. - Mm-hmm.

Dan · Producer:What'd you think of that new sign-off? — You sound like a Scientologist.

Producer · Dan:People like the energy that you and Jane had. It was this raw, sexual vibe because you two were... — Jesus, we were not fucking! — Okay, going down on each other, whatever. I don't wanna know!

Dan · Brie · Producer:But I... I'm actually fucking her. — Dan! — Aren't you engaged to a Yankee? — Yeah, I am. — That's why I told you not to tell anybody. — Aw, that's sweet.

Producer · Dan:Maybe you two should fuck differently, then. I don't know. — That's where I draw the line, man. I don't take notes on how I fuck.

Producer · Brie · Dan:Um, also... just a little thing here... people don't like you in yellow. — Okay. — See? Told you.

Dan:Wall Street, meanwhile, has reacted to the shutdown with what analysts are urging us not to label a panic.

Dan:Also, are we doing our laundry all wrong? Japanese efficiency experts say no. Plus, our own Buzzy Kanahale's gonna be reporting the weather from the place that matters the most... the beach.

Dan · Brie · Dan · Producer:I'm not down to my bathing suit weight yet, so. — Oh, please, Brie, I bet you could fill out a bikini quite nicely. — Oh, Dan. — Blech!

Dan · Audience member · Brie · Dan · Audience member:I'm Dan Egan. — Bring back Jane! — And I'm Brie Ramachandran. — Remember, every day starts with morning. — You suck! — Bye, now.

Network executive / Jane · Dan:I don't know how to say this to you, Danny, but the network is not happy. We need a game changer. / Okay, well, I mean, we could go back to fucking.

Dan:You're a freshman congressman who still uses his mother's Netflix password.

Jonah · Dan:Hi, Danny. I want tickets to a certain Broadway show that's impossible to get tickets to... 'Turn Off the Dark.' / That show closed years ago.

Jonah · Dan:We're gonna fuck bitches till they in stitches. / Actually, I'm just kidding. I got engaged. / Did you hear that? / Is she a foreigner? / No, just Jewish. / Oh, what's up now? 9-11, bitches! / We're gonna fly two planes into the club!

Jane · Dan:Danny, where the fuck were you? I've been trying to call you all night. / A... it's Dan, and B... I don't have my phone because this morning's guest dropped it over the side of the Staten Island Ferry while pretending to be Melanie Griffith in 'Working Girl.'

Dan · Jonah:What is the Host of Christmas Past doing here? — Our interview. Checkers, bitch.

Dan · Jane:Well, congratulations, Jane. / Yeah. / You finally fucked me. / In the face.

Dan:He's pissing himself!

Dan · co-anchor Brie:As you may have heard, today marks my departure from the 'CBS Morning Show with Dan Egan.' But you'll still be able to find me weekly on our CBS digital platforms. — Podcast. — What?

Dan · Jane:I mean, you've been with this network for how many decades now? — I mean, Jane... I will always remember Jane covering the moon landing. — I mean, I studied that footage. — That beautiful black and white stuff. — Before me. — It was just fantast... well, regardless...

Jane · Dan:I told them you didn't want cake. — Oh, my God, I love this!

Dan:Dipshit Mike and his shit-dip diary. 'Amy committed perjury today,' written in crayon and mustard stains.

Mike · Dan:What's next for the great Dan Egan? — Any job leads? — I thought about teaching high school, but, I mean, girls these days just can't keep a secret.

Dan · Amy:Yeah, she's telling Page Six that she and Brie are clam slamming. — Vaginas are so gross. — I wish I didn't have one. — Sometimes I forget I do. — Yeah, yeah, we all do.

Amy · Dan:I gotta get up early, 'cause Selina's... — Yeah, make it a double. — Atta girl.

Dan · Richard:Hey, Kent, free at last, free at last. — I've been fired three times in my life... from the US Postal Service Office of Investigations, by the Seattle Seahawks, and by Jonah Ryan. — I cried each time. This time, it was tears of joy.

Dan · Kent:Maybe we could start a new business, take our shit show on the road. / Yeah, easier than explaining yards after the catch to Steve Largent.

Dan · Ben/Kent:I'm gonna bid you farewell because this face belongs in broadcasting and I start a new gig tomorrow. — Drinks are on you. Bye. — You'll be sorry.

Chung · Dan · Amy:Give us a little touch of the feminine. You and I could split those duties. Yeah, I think I, uh... I've been waiting a long time for us to get together. There it is. There we go. Back at full strength!

Chung · Dan · Amy:Oh, Amy's out. No! Thanks for coming in, Ame. No! We're not gonna validate your parking. You don't mind that, do you?

Dan · Mike · Selina:The band is getting back together again! Who cc'd Mike? I get it, I'm Ringo. No, Amy's Ringo. You're Mark David Chapman's bullet.

Dan:Tibet! Tibet! It's all Tibet! We are gonna ride that Dalai Lama like Mrs. Lama on book club night.

Dan · Selina:And what about Montez? She's a Mexican who stole your job. She did, in fact, steal my job. Her numbers are under agua.

Dan · Ben:I was here in 2012, 'Steve Bing'd' a couple stewardesses. Will you stop being exactly like yourself? You're fucking ruining this.

Amy · Dan:Yeah, well, I'm pregnant and it's yours. Ladies and gentlemen... Fuck!

Dan · Mike:Dan: 'I'm not her brother, and I never was. Except for that one year.'

Amy · Dan:Amy tells Dan she's pregnant and 'not asking anything of you, literally nothing' — then Dan says 'Okay, goodnight' and Amy says 'Goodnight'

Dan · Mike:Mike's email is Mike29748@aol.com. When called out, he clarifies: 'It's Mike53729. — Still @aol though, right? — Until I die.'

Dan:After interacting with Jonah, someone hands out Purell: 'Well, that was a waste of time. Here's some Purell. I need, like, a tub of this stuff.'

Felix · Tom James · Dan:Felix dismisses Dan: 'Fly away, please, we're busy.' / Tom: 'Bye, Dan.' / Felix: 'Nice try, Grandma, but you aged out of Felix's demo back in the 20th century.'

Dan:Dan's speech on meaningless sex: 'You pull it out to cum on her tits 'cause you think it's gonna make you feel alive. But it doesn't matter where you cum, Ames. Ya know? It just doesn't.'

Dan · Amy:Dan tells Amy he's about to have sex with a 19-year-old cater waitress named Meagan — while Amy has just been emotionally processing whether to have his baby.

Dan:Fantastic. Her Achilles cock.

Dan:Happy Abortion Eve.

Amy · Dan:Oh, my God! / What? Don't they all know?

Amy · Dan:My dumb slit sister was supposed to be my abortion ride, but now, of course, she is nowhere to be found, so I'm-- / Oh. That makes sense. / Dan: Yeah. / Well, would you mind? / Unless you plan on fucking her again while she's passed out. She doesn't call that rape, by the way, that's just regular sex to her.

Dan:Keep your head down, Ames. I'll part the redneck sea.

Dan:Is that the Berkeley VC-10? That's like the Shelby Cobra GT of vag-vacs.

Dan:Yeah, I'm the proud father-to-not-be.

Nurse · Amy · Dan:I'm sorry, who is this man? — That's Dan. — Yeah, I'm the proud father-to-not-be.

Dan · Amy:Frozen maxi-pads soaked in comfrey extract. My own personal recipe. / That is so nice. / And also... cold and disgusting.

Dan:I'm gonna need that back when you're done, 'cause Leon will pay big bucks for it.

Selina · Ben · Dan · Marjorie:Like a dog whistle. / Yes, exactly! / Come on, that's like a dog whisper. / You could 'reject' an endorsement from a pro-Confederacy group. / That's like a dog exploding space shuttle. / I need something loud, not too loud like-- / Dog chainsaw? / No, that's too droney. / A dog snowmobile. / Why would I know what that even sounds like? / A dog leaf blower? / Yeah, I like that.

Dan:Well, I'll tell you one thing. If we lose, it certainly won't be for lack of touching people in a Denny's.

Dan:It's a total blackout.

Dan · Jonah campaign staffer/Leon:Wait, I'm fired? Per fucking who?! / Per Selina. I believe her words were, 'If I need another Washington douche, I'll go to the M Street Rite Aid.'

Dan · Leon:Wait, I'm fired? Per fucking who?! / Per Selina. I believe her words were, 'If I need another Washington douche, I'll go to the M Street Rite Aid.'

Dan:Look. If we go to Kentucky, it's gonna look like a wang. The Great Lakes'll be like the spooey.

Dan · Richard:Wait. What? No. This is where you stick an unfuckable intern. / Oh, no, no, no. When I was a summer intern for Lieutenant Governor Plasko back in seventh grade, I was in a much bigger office.

Dan:We gotta get the morbidly obese fuck out of Iowa. / Last night I tried to find one non-chain restaurant to eat at, and Yelp basically told me to go Fuddrucker myself.

Dan · Amy:Hi, I'm Dan Egan, I used to work at the White House. / You barely worked at the White House.

Dan · Amy:Oh, Ames, I almost offered to help your career, then bang you and tell everybody in the office you're an unstable slut. / It's a new dress.

Dan · Richard:Richard, that bastard Ballentine, he caught shingles from Typhoid Jonah. He went blind with partial paralysis and has to step down. / Oh, my God, that's awful. / No! That makes me-- I mean, you, the governor of Iowa!

Governor Ballentine · Dan:Word is out on you, Splett. You're living proof that the worst people in politics always succeed. / I'll tell ya something else, Splett. Listen carefully. / Someday you'll be an old man, and you'll--

Richard · Dan:President Meyer offered me Secretary of Agriculture. / Yes, Richard! Secretary of Swag-riculture! Oh, my God. Yes! I'm goin' back to Washington, baby!

Richard · Richard · Dan · Richard · Dan · Richard:But the 'but' was, 'But you have to fire Dan.' / So, I guess you're fired. / What? / Thanks for making this easy on me. / I gotta get out of politics. / To be honest, I never thought you were really cut out for it, anyway.

Dan · Richard:You know, Richard, there are few things in life more difficult than the loss of a parent. / Who wants margaritas?

Dan · Amy · Dan/Amy:We didn't have kids. Best decision we ever made. / Best. Best. / Our greyhounds are our kids.

Amy · Dan · Dan:Dan. / I think the last time I saw you, your wife was being born. / 2019, yeah.

Dan · Amy · Dan · Amy:How long's it been, Ames? / Dan. / I think the last time I saw you, your wife was being born. / 2019, yeah.