Data

Staffer/Ben:How did he write the note?

Staffer:Well, they do need to stay thin.

Ben:I preferred the Internet when it was just AltaVista and that little Star Wars kid.

Selina:Well, there's a town with no Gay Pride parade or a goddamn library.

Ben:Oh, thank you, Question Man. You just saved the entire city. Or did you?

Ben:This is catching fire like a gas station in a Michael Bay movie.

Ben:Bozos, disassemble.

Gary · Selina:I always feel like the ruching on this one really accentuates your figure. Okay, you're right. Let's go with that.

Selina · Catherine:Catherine, you are smoking? I'm vaping. That's not the point.

Selina:He photographs well for his age.

Selina · Sue:Is it a good apple? It's a baking apple. Fuck 'em.

Selina · Catherine:Oh, my God, I look like Grandpa. What did they do to my nose? Mom, what about me? Huh? Yeah, I know. This is so disrespectful.

Selina:Yeah, I know, he's fluffing the hacks.

Selina:Is Mike sharing his donut holes with y'all?

Lyle (reporter) · Selina:Oh, of course, yeah. And also my name. Yes. It's Lyle. It's Lyle and it's my pleasure.

Selina:I mean, you know, I'm the rock star. She's not the rock star.

Reporter:With respect, ma'am, do you think those same privacies should be given to an eight-year-old girl with HIV?

Staffer · Mike:Where did HIV come from? I think some guy fucked a monkey.

Selina:That's not just a breach. That's a data rupture.

Selina:All of these words are meaningless to me.

Selina:Well, the press doesn't need the culprit. The press needs a culprit.

Ben · Dan:You know, there are hordes of young women who roam the halls of the West Wing. 15% of them were hired to be fired. Yeah. We call them the Expendabelles.

Amy:Just another Saturday night.

Selina · Amy:That's not funny, Amy. What? Why not?

Dan:Oh, yeah. And I'm in charge of the canning, Jonah. I'm the Dan who can.

Dan · Jonah:What about your side dick here? You tell him stuff? Oh, God, yes. He was more involved than I was. He was up to his thighs in it.

Staffer:The Police. Law and order mixed with very mild reggae. It's like a comforting balance.

Dan:Right now I've gotta go. This goat's not gonna scape itself.

Selina:I feel persecuted. I'm just waiting for the press to throw me in a pond to see if I'll float.

Selina · Catherine:Honeymoon's over, isn't it? It was kind of a shitty honeymoon, too. Just like my actual honeymoon with Daddy. I know, Mom.

Catherine · Selina:'The Onion' did a parody of that photo in the 'Post.' Oh, really? I like 'The Onion.' What you'll look like when you're leaving office, except you look exactly like you do now. Okay. They think you'll only be president for a few months. That's the joke. No, no, I get it, yeah. That's funny. That's funny stuff.

Gary:It's like my mom's cat. The president is just trying to help children.

Mike · Gary:Maybe because, Gary, we ruined a girl's life. Negative, negative, negative.

Mike · Selina:Great, now parents hate us. Oh, God, welcome to my childhood. And adulthood, actually.

Sue:If you see a fire, do you look at the fire and put it out or do you just say, 'I'm aware of it'?

Mike · Ben:Sue cannot tell me how to do my job. She just did.

Jonah · Party supply man:Oh, I bet this baby could sure spill a lot of glitter, am I right? Put it down. That thing goes off in your face, the surgeon will be tweezering tiny shamrocks out of your eye jelly for a week.

Party supply man:Grow up, huh? I do anyone. I did balloons for Jerry Ford in '76. Met him. Asshole.

Party supply man:That's bottom of the range. You don't want that. I just named it Presidential because of that asshole Ford.

Party supply man:Well, then you want the Star-Spangled Banger. Or Red, White, and Whoo-hoo.

Party supply man:I don't give a shit, son. I still get paid.

Andrew · Selina:Question is, how hot do you want them? Red hot. Gonna do the snail joke, right? That's your trademark joke. Signature joke. Yeah, you don't have to do the snail joke. It's so funny.

Andrew:No, no, no. You're gonna be fine. Look, the news moves so quickly, we'll have a new iPhone or the Chinese will be in Chicago.

Amy:Doyle's using 'Every Breath You Take' for his walk-on music. He loves that song. He got married to it both times. Every line ends with 'I'll be watching you.' Sting might as well be singing 'I'll access your medical data' in a fake Jamaican accent.

Selina · Lee/Ellie:You having fun? Yes, ma'am. But also working hard. Thank you for asking. It's Chloe? It's Ellie. Lee. Lee? Lee. Ah.

Amy:Fuck the light show, Jonah, okay? He's the vice president, not the new Lexus.

Party supply man / AV tech:Well, it's mostly self-help audio books and relaxation tapes. I'm quite an anxious man.

AV tech · Amy:Well, I'm not sure, but positivity is the first step. Love it.

Jonah:'Eye of the Tiger'? Any controversial lyrics in that?

AV tech:What the fuck? Uh-oh. What? I don't know what's happened. You know, I usually use a Mac, so this is Windows 8's fault if anybody's.

Doyle (VP):Screwed over by the Police. I'm Rodney fucking King.

Staffer:Twitter has it. ♪EveryLittleThing-SheDoeslsTragic.

Gary:They loved it, ma'am. You were like a rock star. Not Sting. Kurt Cobain. Well, not him.

Selina:It's like getting a valentine from your own mom, you know?

Staffer · Selina:Ma'am, we're losing micro-donors. We'll be down to nano-donors.

Selina:It's vital that these small-time nobodies realize we respect them, okay?

Selina · Mike:Do you think that's the best move, ma'am? The thing I just said that I should do? Do I think it's the thing I should do? Is that your question, Mike?

Unknown official/pundit:If that happened, it would be hugely damaging and enormously problematic.

Dan · Selina · Gary:Girl in the writers' room for the joint sessions speech. She was also at the rally tonight. Sci-fi Sally something. Ellie? Chloe. Marie. Claire. It's Lee. Gary is right, her name is Lee and she is a fine staffer. I see splashes of myself in her. I now regret that phrase.

Selina · Gary · Kent:No, fuck it, cheese. Oh. Uh, ma'am... Look, Kent, I'm sorry, but Chloe's got to go. It's not Chloe, it's Lee. And anyway, it's not Lee, it's Catherine.

Selina:What, is she nuts? I mean, it's gonna make it look like she thinks her mom bullied her.

Gary:Ma'am, cheese is on its way. Here's an interim banana.

Dan · Lee:It doesn't even work. So do I leave tomorrow? You leave now. Unless you're on a tour, you will not be at the White House tomorrow.

Lee · Dan:What if I cried? Like the women do in movies? Wouldn't work. You're talking to a guy who once broke off an engagement at an Applebee's, then ordered dessert.

Dan:May I have your pass? It was a pleasure working with you... Lee.

Ben:Fitting that for Easter this story refuses to fucking die.

Selina:Is there no other news? Whatever happened to Ebola? I loved Ebola.

Ben:So we threw someone off the life raft. Did no one think to tell the sharks?

Dan · Selina:Yes, ma'am. I've been fattening him up for just this occasion. I got him a staff. And I got him involved in Families First. I even got him on the campaign. He's the one who did the fireworks and the music for last night. That was him? Off with his fat head.

Dan:You know, that kind of surprised masturbator face.

Selina:Do it. Get rid of him. Throw him under a bus. If you can find one that's long enough.

Jonah · Dan:Hey, Egan, VP wants to see the P. He thinks a bigger head needs to roll, okay? Like a massive Easter Island-sized head. Hmm. No. No. Look at me, I've got a small head. I could wear a child's hat.

Jonah · Dan:Besides, I know about you spreading the Danny Chung torture rumor. Well, that's useless leverage right now, Jonah, because you have all the credibility of someone who hacked the medical records of a sick child.

Dan:Hey, 'I Am Groot,' stop swapping spit here with 'Pretty Woman' and get me Brock and Hunter.

Party supply man · Dan:Damn, man, this guy's balls are so big, they're practically tits. Huh? Johnny Tit-balls. Yeah, don't squeeze the milkers too much. Milkers. Love it.

Jonah · Dan · Richard:You were firing me? What the hell was that? Nothing. It's just jock stuff. You know, just guys having fun. That isn't, Jonah. That's sexual harassment.

Dan · Jonah · Richard:Jesus, does he do that to you all the time? No, not all the time. Sometimes, but not all the time. It's just high spirits.

Richard · Jonah:Mr. Ryan, so they were out of tuna melts, so I improvised and I got you this lobster curry roll. All right, look, zip it, Jeeves. I'm in the middle of firing your boss.

Richard · Jonah:Wow, over the campaign data thing? The I Care mailer. All right, no? I'm picking up from your facial cues that you don't know. Here's four verbal cues for you... 'Tell me now, asshole.'

Jonah · Richard:Okay, Yogi and Boo-Boo, you say nothing to anybody. You understand me? Yes. Well, obviously you don't, 'cause you just fucking spoke. Oh.

Dan:Amy, the gates of hell have opened and you are my plus one.

Selina · Catherine:You cannot be associated with bullying because people are going to think that you were bullied by me. I wasn't bullied by you, I was bullied because of you.

Selina · Catherine:Do you want to go to Hawaii at Thanksgiving? Are you interested in Memaw's sapphire earrings? Are you bullying me into dropping an anti-bullying charity?

Selina · Gary:Gary, am I? You're parenting. Yeah, well, too, I might add.

Ben · Amy · Ben:Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. / We'll explain later. / No, we won't. We'll never explain.

Mike · Selina:Okay, Catherine, up, out. For fuck's sake. / All right, that's enough with the F words. Thank you very much. I apologize for her behav...

Selina:Well, then, why don't you tell me and I'll decide whether or not I know it?

Selina:We're fucked? Is that what this is? 'I'm afraid it's spread to the liver' fucked?

Selina:Don't give me that bunker shit. Hitler went into a bunker. When he came out, he wasn't chancellor anymore, was he? Plus he was dead.

Selina:I'll tell you something, if he were alive right now, he'd be very anxious to distance himself from me at this moment.

Selina:A face. Although, if you operate last in, first out, I'm screwed.

Ben:Yes, Madam President. This is a head-on collision and I'm your biggest air bag.

Selina · Staffer:Okay, so we need to issue a positive statement about the HIV girl. Not positive. Wrong word.

Selina · Mike:Mike, did I see you smiling when it was suggested I might be fired? Me? No. I... I wasn't smiling. I was stretching my lips because I have very dry lips, and my doctor said, 'You should probably stretch them.' So I was following medical advice. Like... Like that. That's what you're going with?

Selina:Wow. Listen, you ever play poker, I want in, 'cause you are one terrible liar. And that's sad 'cause that's your whole job.

Jonah · Richard:Why are you using the urinal next to me? You leave a gap. I've already started. The little one gives me splash-back. Still, you leave a gap. We're not piss buddies.

Jonah:Damn, that's some kind of prostate control. Treasure it, my friend.

Ben · Jonah · Richard:So, you want to know if the president told me who she's firing, right? Yeah. It's me. You don't tell anyone until she's made an announcement. You got it? Yeah, not a word. You swear by everything you hold dear in your hand right now? I do. I swear on King Danny.

Selina:Gary, front row for the story reading needs to be the children with the strongest bladders.

Mike · Selina:Why am I carrying eggs, huh? I'm up to my eyeballs in HIV. No, no, don't give them to me. There's a six-foot bunny out there with 30 spoons. You can't miss him.

Selina · Marine in bunny costume:Well, thank you for your service, Greg. Very happy to have one of my Marines in costume. Actually, I'm really glad you're here. These kids terrify me. But I guess you've seen worse. You did two tours of Afghanistan? Yes, ma'am. I saw my best buddy die over there. Blown to pieces by an IED.

Selina · Marine:Very happy to have one of my Marines in costume. / You're welcome, ma'am. / Actually, I'm really glad you're here. These kids terrify me. / But I guess you've seen worse. / You did two tours of Afghanistan? / Yes, ma'am. I saw my best buddy die over there. Blown to pieces by an IED.

Dan · Ben:I thought you resigned. I guess the president changed her mind. It's a fickle world, my friend, and you've just been fickled.

Dan · Ben:No. No, this is not... This is not real. You're right, Dan. It's a dream. And me and Kent are about to turn into two horny cheerleaders and start making out.

Dan · Ben:So am I fired? Please, Ben, don't say that I'm fired. You're not fired. Oh, thank fuck for that. Because you've just resigned. It's a perfect fit.

Dan · Ben:I know about the targeting of bereaved families and the use of federal data. You listen to me, you little fucking turd's assistant. You don't threaten this administration because we will fucking destroy you. We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty fucking chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your dead fucking eyeballs.

Kent:I cannot endorse that message, but I do acknowledge it.

Dan:Yeah, you know what? I, uh... I think I'm gonna need a bigger title before I agree to resign.

Ben:How about Captain Loser? Or Big Chief Skidmark?

Dan · Ben:All right, how about Deputy Assistant to the President? That's funny.

Amy:Ben's not going. It's Dan. Mike's about to saw off the healthy leg.

Mike:The person with ultimate responsibility is... is Dan Egan, Chief Counsel to the President?

Selina:Come over here, young man. It looks like you don't feel very good. Is that your son? He's gifted. There we go. Uh-oh. Oh. He did have a big breakfast.

Dan · Unknown:Ew, you guys... Hey, man. Yeah, well, you know, enjoy it. I'm not here to gloat. I've been through this.

Gary:That photo of you with the kids will play great. Oh, it was so good. Yeah. It was like earth mother meets foster parent with a hint of girl next door.

Gary:Oh, God, I meant southeast gate.

Reporter:Mr. Egan, do you feel ashamed of your actions?

Amy · Selina:I thought... When we discussed, I thought that it was Ben who would be going. Oh, right. Yeah, actually, Bill suggested Dan. He thought it would be a good idea to keep Ben to take the heat in case the other data shit hits the fan. Good thought, right? Yeah. Just doing my job. Me, too.

Amy · Selina · Amy:Ah. / He thought it would be a good idea to keep Ben to take the heat in case the other data shit hits the fan. / Good thought, right? / Yeah. / Just doing my job. / Me, too.

Dan:Stevie, it's Dan Egan. So, um... so it looks like I am a free agent again. Yeah, so give me a call. It's the same number as the last two messages. Hey, Jen, it's Dan. Either your phone is dead or I am. So obviously I hope it's the first one. Josh Stansfield. How are you? It's Dan Egan. So, look, I... And you've gone.