Richard Splett

Richard · Selina/Amy:You know, butter doesn't need to be refrigerated. It can be unrefrigerated or refrigerated. / That's not true. / I think it's like a fruit that way.

Richard · Selina · Ben:POTUS isn't seeking re-election? / I said don't blurt. You blurted. / You blurted about running. / You're running?

Richard · Selina:Ma'am, if you need any help with your campaign, I'm real good in a high-pressure situation. / Really? In what sense 'good'?

Richard · Selina · Ben:I was all over that book line thing. / Yeah. I tell you what, get the driver to turn the air conditioning on, okay? 'Cause I'm boiling up here. / I can do that! / How do I do that? / Just open the door while we're moving, climb under the car like Indiana Jones, pop up on the hood and write a note on the windshield.

Richard · Selina:Book tour, day six. Cedar Rapids, here we come. / Oh, Jesus Christ. I hate politics.

Richard · Mike:That was the actual President of the United States. It never stops being cool. / She calls me Mike. / That is your name.

Richard · Ericsson:Let me write this down. / Or I will remember it using my brain. I've got a pretty good one. Illinois Institute of Technology.

Amy · Ericsson · Richard:You said she can win. I asked if she will win. / I'm sorry, was that sparkling or still water?

Richard:And what kind of croissant? I definitely remember the rest.

Jonah · Richard:Beep, boop, beboop. Hello? / Yeah, hi.

Teddy · Richard:Richard apparently is the assistant's assistant. Does that mean, like, he's the epitome of an assistant or he's just an assistant's assistant? / The first one.

Jonah · Richard:Oh, 'sir.' I like that. I'll get used to that. / Keep doing it. / Yes, sir. / There it is again. That's twice. Come with me.

Jonah · Richard:See that? / It's kind of how we do things here in 'the Wing.' / Now through this door is the Oval Office. / Fudge me. No. / Yeah.

Jonah · Richard:Now through this door is the Oval Office. / Fudge me. No. / Yeah. / You are like the coolest guy I've ever met.

Jonah · Dan · Richard:You were firing me? What the hell was that? Nothing. It's just jock stuff. You know, just guys having fun. That isn't, Jonah. That's sexual harassment.

Dan · Jonah · Richard:Jesus, does he do that to you all the time? No, not all the time. Sometimes, but not all the time. It's just high spirits.

Richard · Jonah:Mr. Ryan, so they were out of tuna melts, so I improvised and I got you this lobster curry roll. All right, look, zip it, Jeeves. I'm in the middle of firing your boss.

Richard · Jonah:Wow, over the campaign data thing? The I Care mailer. All right, no? I'm picking up from your facial cues that you don't know. Here's four verbal cues for you... 'Tell me now, asshole.'

Jonah · Richard:Okay, Yogi and Boo-Boo, you say nothing to anybody. You understand me? Yes. Well, obviously you don't, 'cause you just fucking spoke. Oh.

Jonah · Richard:Why are you using the urinal next to me? You leave a gap. I've already started. The little one gives me splash-back. Still, you leave a gap. We're not piss buddies.

Ben · Jonah · Richard:So, you want to know if the president told me who she's firing, right? Yeah. It's me. You don't tell anyone until she's made an announcement. You got it? Yeah, not a word. You swear by everything you hold dear in your hand right now? I do. I swear on King Danny.

Dan · Jonah · Richard · Sidney:The coffee machine is claimed to be 'on the fritz' but Dan was told it worked fine earlier — Jonah obliviously orders a soy cappuccino anyway

Dan · Richard · Jonah:Dan claims Amy and he are 'closer than two fat guys in an elevator'; Richard immediately claims he 'used to date' Amy and knows her 'inside and out'; Jonah says he'll call her too because 'Ames' is actually 'long for Amy'

Dan · Jonah · Richard:Dan discovers Amy has quit via mass text — 'Holy shit, Amy's gone' / 'Holy shit, that's insane. Wow, I'm getting the same thing, guys. Maybe we're getting the same text message. Oh, yeah, we are.'

Jonah · Richard:Mr. Ryan, did you get my sashimi? No, sir, I will get it right now. It needs to be at room temperature, otherwise it just tastes of cold.

Jonah · Richard · Ben:Maybe we could play some exit music or maybe push the button that drops the balloons. Shit, that's a great idea. Drop the balloons. Do we have balloons? No. That was just an example. Why the fuck did you bring up balloons if we don't have them?

Richard:Sir, awesome and amazing had a baby and it grew up to be you.

Richard:It's like words are your second language, sir.

Richard:Richard T. Splett. Don't know why I said T. My middle name is John.

Tom James · Jonah · Richard:Jonah Ryan. That's a name that keeps popping up. Well, I'm a pop-ular guy. Richard T. Splett. Don't know why I said T. My middle name is John.

Tom James · Richard:So you're this guy's veep? Kind of. Kind of, yeah.

Jonah · Richard:Hey, we should have you apologize for all our screwups. Hurricane washout. Leon West 'detention.' The data breach. Oh, yeah, that thing with the HIV girl. Yes. Wow, that HIV girl.

Tom James · Jonah · Richard:Wait a sec... If I didn't know better, I would suspect that there was another data breach. Really? I mean, there isn't. No, because I would know about it. Mm.

Richard · Ben · Jonah:I'm more of a white Russian man myself. Here, take that. Okay, I guess that's fine also. Have a seat. Not there. No. Wasn't going to.

Jonah · Richard:He's really good. It's because there's seven of us. I meant as a politician. I know. Yeah, it's... yeah.

Unknown speaker (friend or Selina) · Richard:I shook Jack Nicholson's hand and I thought, 'If this hand could talk, it would say wash me.' Right, 'cause of all the sex stuff.

Jonah · Richard:'But what if it was gone?' / 'Oh, that's a good point.' — Jonah's non-argument convinces no one but himself

Jonah · Richard:'We have a folder full of numbers here, and I think you'll find these numbers just to be great, great numbers.' / 'Saying what?' / 'Uh, Richard, what do the numbers say?'

Richard:'We've glanced at the numbers, sir, and at first glance they are very compelling.'

Richard · Congressman:'Can I ask you how you're going to vote today?' / 'No.' / 'Is that no as in I can't ask you or no as in...'

Pierce · Richard:'The president? The president sent you here to talk to me?' / 'She used sentences containing your name.'

Dan · Richard:Dan: 'Okay, new rule in the Cube. If your name begins with D, you need to shut the fuck up immediately.' Richard: 'I'm fine because my name begins with an R.' Dan: 'Not if we shorten it to Dick.'

Richard · Selina · Gary:Richard insisting on introducing himself to the president: 'I brought him also, ma'am. Richard Splett.' / 'She already knows who you are. You can go.' / 'No, no, no. Not you. Not you.'

Richard · Selina · Jonah:I actually did my doctorate in recount procedures in the West. / Excellent work, Richard. Richard works for me. / You have a doctorate? Two. Constitutional law and veterinary medicine, which was my fallback. / But you were getting my coffee.

Richard · Selina:Which is much harder 'cause you have so many different moods. Like a half-caff and a full-caff, macchiato. / 'Ma-key-ato.' / Macchiato.

Jonah · Richard:She's Uncle Dursley and she's got the great wizard Harry Potter living under the staircase. Do you see that? But what happens in the Harry Potter books? He rises up and he kills all the muggles. / I don't think that's what happens.

Richard:Actually, I'm sorry, that lumbar support goes with this chair.

Selina · Richard · Amy · Ben:No, he's off book. / No, ma'am, I think that means he's learned all his lines and no longer needs a script. / No, he's off book. / Off the hook? / No, he's... God, he's deviating from the book of the things that he should do. / You mean off the rails.

Richard · Amy:In fact, you two used to date, but you never got over him. / Not Jonah. Why is baby with a beard here?

Richard · Amy:In fact, you two used to date, but you never got over him. / Not Jonah. Why is baby with a beard here?

Richard · Cliff:Cliff, my plate is just full of shit right now and I'd like for you to clean that. / You know what? I'll do it. Yeah. I love talking to people anyway.

hotel clerk · Amy · Richard · Jonah:If you do not have a reservation, we are sold out. There are no more rooms at this hotel. / Richard, have your people check us in. We're going to the lounge. / Jonah, take care of that. / Cliff, would... / Cliff?

Richard · Jonah · Cliff:Richard, have your people check us in. We're going to the lounge. / Jonah, take care of that. / Cliff, would... / Cliff?

Richard:Or you could email me at splett2@splettnet.net. Splett1 is my father. It'll be sad to see him go, but it'll be nice to get my hands on that handle, you know?

Richard:You are not Michael Jordan. You are a seven-foot-seven goony-looking Lithuanian who's gonna drop dead of Marfan syndrome.

Richard:You should read C.S. Lewis's book on grief. It's not as fun as 'The Lion, Witch, and the Wardrobe' series, but it's still pretty good.

Jonah · Richard:Alav hashalom. Hebrew. / Maybe you should put on your regular shoes for a little bit.

Richard · Amy:'Amy, if you had rented me a Sebring, yes.' — Richard on whether he can drive faster to the Whitman meeting

Richard:'This is like that famous scene from the movie 'Heat.' You know, with De Niro and Brenneman. Just thinking about that scene gives me goose bumps.'

Richard:Honestly, I was gonna ask you that.

Richard:Richard left alone with Whitman: 'Do you mind if I get a picture with you for my blog 'Let's Talk About Splett'?'

Richard:Amy, what are your top five favorite De Niro movies? And you can't say 'Meet the Parents' 'cause that's automatically number one.

Richard:'Amy, what are your top five favorite De Niro movies? And you can't say 'Meet the Parents' 'cause that's automatically number one.'

Richard:What do we want? To get the votes counted. / When do we want it? Hopefully before the deadline.

Richard · Ben · Ben · Richard · Ben:Count every vote! Count every vote! / Doesn't he work for O'Brien? / No. Jesus. Come on, Richard, no. / Count every vote! / Jonah!

Richard · Jonah's mom/Mrs. Ryan:Mrs. Ryan, these old Thanksgiving photos are priceless. Wow, that is some overbite. It's like a wererabbit.

Richard:I didn't know children still wore leashes at this age.

Richard:Oh, my God, that's great. Actual Congress or some fantasy league Congress?

Jonah · Richard · Jonah · Richard:Ain't a challenge been invented Jonah Ryan can't do. / Ice bucket challenge. You backed out of that. / Ice bucket challenge can suck my dick. / Well, it did raise a lot of awareness for whatever ALS is.

Mrs. Ryan · Jeff · Richard · Jonah · Richard · Jonah:Jeff. Jeff. / Hey, leave it. / I don't want you screaming at Joni. / Congratulations, sir. May I be the first to join your campaign? / Absolutely, chief of staff. / Please let me earn it. / There will be a vetting process.

Richard · Jonah:Sir, as your director of communications, I need to tell you that we just got a letter from the band Rush. / Really? / They said that we can't use the song 'Working Man' anymore because they find you odious.

Jonah · Amy · Richard · Catherine:Whoa, I'm sorry. What are you doing here? / Hello, Jonah. Richard. / Hi, Catherine. / When you talk to me, you ruin the film. / Always a pleasure.

Richard · Jonah:Tom Petty says we can't use 'Won't Back Down' anymore. / Okay, well, fuck him if he thinks I'm gonna back down. That's, like, the whole point of the song.

Richard · Jonah:Also, sir, some bands we haven't used have sent some preemptive cease-and-desist orders. Sting, Bruce Springsteen... sent two letters, actually... and Enya. / Enya? / Send her a fucking cease-and-desist letter.

Richard:We got the okay from Gary Glitter, but he's in jail for child rape, so maybe not the first choice.

Richard:I'd have to agree with Mrs. Sherman here on fiscal responsibility. In fact, teacher, allow me to present you with this apple.

Dan · Richard:Richard, who do we have tracking the widow? Nobody. Then go out there and buy a camera and videotape everything she does. Do you want 4k or 1080p? Just buy any fucking camera.

Richard:Oh, my God, I got it. I think I got it! You know, I think I see what happened there. Richard, you good boy. I went to turn it on, but it was already on, so I turned it off. Then I went to turn it off, but it already was off, so I turned it on.

Dan · Richard · Jonah:Wait a second. Richard, tell me you have that from the other angle. Oh, definitely. [FOOTAGE: Teddy shown] What are you doing here? You did the same fucking thing! Literally. Oh, yeah, you know what? You're right, I did the exact same thing.

Jonah · Richard:Bring me a change of clothes and come and get me... Well, it's a really intuitive feature. Do you have iOS 9.2.3? Shut up.

Richard:I hitched my wagon to a shooting star named Jonah Ryan. Well, maybe I should say comet because shooting stars burn out and he never will.

Richard:The only downside is that I'll probably have to miss my Gilbert & Sullivan Society annual show. You know, operetta is my passion.

Richard:Richard sings: ♪ If you want to know who we are, we are gentlemen of Japan... ♪

Selina/staffer · Richard:Jesus, Richard, please drive faster... Jesus Christ, Richard! You could have killed me. Can't you do two simple things at once? / I just thank God I didn't hit those schoolchildren.

Richard · staffer · Jonah:Well, actually, the car won't start. / Maybe call an Uber. / We can't call an Uber. I've been banned for life because I have a low rating.

Richard:Well, we've reached a little bit of a kerfuffle. I'd say even more of a kerfuffle. Like a snafu approaching quagmire.

Richard · Dan:Richard introduces 'hot interns' Colt, Brady, and Mason — three conventionally attractive men — to Dan, who wanted hot female interns.

Selina · Richard:'I should have relied on you more, Richard... if I had had 100 Richards, who knows what I could have done?'

Richard:Richard: 'Or it could turn out like one of those "Twilight Zone" scenarios where we all murder each other. I don't even remember how to drive.'

Richard:Richard's rambling revelation: 'Maybe my auntie was actually my real mother and my mother was actually my grandmother. Ah, wow, that's starting to make a whole lot of sense. Everybody knew about it but me, too.'

Richard · Selina:'Are we praying, ma'am?' / 'No, I'm just gonna lie down.'

Selina Meyer · Richard · Gary:Richard, you slow down. It'll look like I'm not running. Gary, you go fast. [beat] Oh, no, that's too fast.

Richard:I've been standing here the entire time, ma'am. Just trying to keep still in case I'm in the painting.

Richard:My pen's just out of ink. I'm gonna scratch it into the paper and then kind of go back over and trace over and see what I wrote before, like in a suspense movie.

Richard:Mom, I told you I get more homesick when you call.

Richard · Buddy:This is fucking beast! / It's very interesting. / Hey, put that on. All the cool guys wear the band's T-shirt. / You know, the band's name translates to Panzer Division. / What?

Unknown · Richard:Yeah, that's worth about $20 million. / Well, actually, since the coup, there's been a slight dip in the exchange rate. It's now worth approximately $389,000. Way to go, ma'am.

Richard · Selina:No, ma'am, you have a meeting with Tanz at 2:00. - Oh, thank you very much, Richard

Selina · Richard:I want you to get in touch with Ed McPherson on Judiciary 'cause he's building an infinity pool. On it. Too late.

Selina · Richard:It's hot flashy. / It's totally normal.

Gary · Richard:Did I die? Is this heaven? Yeah, he keeps waking up and asking that

Richard:You had a heart attack, Gary. For the third freaking time.

Richard:Monday, it's the day after Daylight Saving Time. It's my favorite holiday 'cause it's like living in a tiny version of 'Back to the Future'

Richard:Well, my father and I both hate eating butterscotch, but love to say it. Butterscotch.

Richard:Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin like microwaves or laughter.

Richard:No. Worse comes to worst, I'll burn in hell like Grandma Splett.

Richard:Maybe I can stop masturbating now.

Selina · Richard:What is the opposite of a warlord? — A peace lady? — Yes, thank you very much, Richard!

Richard · Selina:Ma'am, I'm just so optimistic about the world we're creating for your coming grandchild. — Wait, what? Catherine's pregnant? — Ma'am, do you prefer Gram-Gram or Mee-Maw?

Selina · Richard:What about Congressman Jonah Ryan? — Richard, you have such a good sense of humor.

Catherine · Richard:Richard has doula class and we're bringing the snacks. — What? — It'll be my first human birth, so.

Selina · Richard · Gary:Richard, go and turn on CBS right now. — Hey, Tom James is on TV. — He looks good.

Richard:I tried to explain to him that Birmingham ranks low on the jihadi to-do list.

Richard · another character:I'm learning so much about Selina tonight. / Me, too. I should update her Wikipedia page.

Selina Meyer · Amy · Richard:Well, that's on you, Amy, because you were in charge of the book. — That's copy editing. — Congratulations again, Amy.

Richard:Which, again, is tomorrow night, not tonight, despite the title.

Richard:Ooh, page 93, suckers! 'As Gary poured my tea, I realized the hostages...' Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Unknown staffer · Richard:Did you make the book? — Just the dedication.

Richard · Mike:This is the best day we've had since I started working for you. — I guess it was actually good I lost the diary.

Richard · Selina Meyer:We're getting requests for confirmation from all the big Tibetan papers, except for the 'Lhasa Express,' though. — They're playing their usual games.

Dan · Richard:Hey, Kent, free at last, free at last. — I've been fired three times in my life... from the US Postal Service Office of Investigations, by the Seattle Seahawks, and by Jonah Ryan. — I cried each time. This time, it was tears of joy.

staffer · Richard:Oh, ma'am, the publisher said we're getting some book reviews in. — Oh, the 'Lhasa Express' gives it five namastes.

Richard · Jonah:Jonie, look, I have a special treat... [box is revealed to be empty] See, the box is empty to show that all you need to be happy is right here. Well, that's stupid. Yeah, it was a waste of $30.

Richard · Jonah:Well, two years is a long time. I mean, you could petition for a recall if they weren't unconstitutional. Can I petition for a recall against Ezra? Unequivocally, no. That's a great idea. That's awesome.

Richard · Jonah's mom:Does a rabbit need a yearly vaccination for myxomatosis? It does. Well, maybe. It depends on the rabbit. But, yes.

Jonah · Richard · Jonah's mom:Mom, can Richard stay the night? Can I please, Mrs. Ryan? Oh, sure! I'll make waffles for breakfast. Mom, I don't want waffles! Okay, then I won't make waffles.

Selina · Richard:Okay, so what are we calling him? Aluminum? Tenafly? Ribbon? We haven't landed on a name yet. I don't mind Tenafly. You know, what about Richard? That would be kind of cute 'cause then we could call him Little Richard. Love! I was actually named after my godmother, Richardina. Everybody just called her Regina.

Richard:Richard's name origin: 'I was actually named after my godmother, Richardina. Everybody just called her Regina. Oh, boy. You know what, actually, I probably wasn't named after her.'

Richard:Beats working for Jonah. Yeah.

Richard · Jonah:Congressman Ryan: 'Within five years, I want America... to put a man on Ellen DeGeneres.'

Richard · Panel:Richard explains the Ellen joke to the panel: 'She's a lesbian.' — Panel responds: 'No, we get it.' — 'Right.' — 'We get the joke.' — 'OK.'

Richard:Richard's speech: 'A lot of you knew me when I was really little and I was just running around in diapers. And now here we are, and a lot of you are wearin' diapers.'

Richard · Selina:Richard to Selina: 'It's so nice to be back home in Iowa.' / Selina: 'Place is a dump.'

Selina · Richard:Richard says Selina's polls are 'way up' after leaving — Selina: 'Maybe I should just stop campaigning altogether.' / Richard: 'Couldn't hurt.'

Selina · Richard:Selina: 'Oh, remember, lift with your back.' / Richard: 'It's your legs. L-Legs.' / Selina: 'No, you lift with your back.' / Richard: 'Oh. That's incorrect.' / Selina: 'OK, well. That could probably be the main cause of your scoliosis.' / Richard: 'I have scoliosis?'

Richard · Unknown:Is chocolate bad for dogs? Oh no, not bad. Deadly. Okay.

Unknown · Richard:Richard, you can't keep working on both campaigns. But they're both equally good people.

Selina · Richard:Thirty-six hours in Snoozeville. / That was my major.

Richard:Actually, my uncle was a shop steward in the 7-4. Asbestos killed him. / Oh, no! / I'm sorry, Richard. / Asbestos was the name of their pit bull. It was a rescue that killed its first owner. That's why you have to go to breeders.

Richard · Marjorie:Actually, I tried to quit last week, and the president gave me a raise. / So quit Jonah. / He gave me a raise too.

Richard · Selina:She aborted her unborn fetus. — Dock her a day's pay then.

Richard:Novelty mayors are Iowa's number one source of tourism. After tornado-chasing. And coming into town to buy Sudafed.

Catherine · Richard:Is that a mayor as well? / That's just a cat. / Could you imagine? / This isn't Nebraska.

Richard:Would you like me to neuter the new mayor?

Richard · Selina · Jonah:It seems I have been appointed the new Mayor of Lurlene. / Oh, congratulations! / Mayor Splizzle in the hizzle! / Wow. All right. / But don't you have to be a dog? / Well, legally, yes, but it's unenforceable.

Richard:When my uncle stole me, I don't remember where he took me, but I do have this recurring dream where I almost find out.

Richard · Bystander:Oh, it's a crop duster. They usually fly pretty low. / Not that low.

Richard:I'm just a mayor who now, temporarily, has a Slurpee machine in his office.

Richard · Mike:Oh, good question. / Thank you. It's actually Wendy's.

Richard · Mike:I guess I just did what anybody would do if they were there. / Except the people who were there and didn't do anything.

Dan · Richard:Wait. What? No. This is where you stick an unfuckable intern. / Oh, no, no, no. When I was a summer intern for Lieutenant Governor Plasko back in seventh grade, I was in a much bigger office.

Governor Ballentine · Richard:You think you're hot shit, Splett? First human mayor of Lurlene, straight to lieutenant governor in just a few months. / Thank you. / Well, now you're an ice cold dog turd, because you're not gettin' my job.

Governor Ballentine · Richard:Splett, I'm gonna bury you so deep in bullshit make-work people are gonna forget Iowa even has a lieutenant governor. / That shouldn't be too hard.

Richard:I didn't realize there was a job requirement.

Dan · Richard:Richard, that bastard Ballentine, he caught shingles from Typhoid Jonah. He went blind with partial paralysis and has to step down. / Oh, my God, that's awful. / No! That makes me-- I mean, you, the governor of Iowa!

Richard · Selina:You just broke North Carolina's transgender bathroom law. / What? / I've been fielding media requests all morning, Richard.

Richard:New York Times? Krugman is positively creaming his khakis.

Unknown delegate · Richard · Unknown delegate:What state are you a delegate from? / The Ukraine. / A Wisconsin sister state.

Mike · Richard:You came to the convention as Governor Richard Splett of Iowa, but after your electrifying speech just two nights ago, party insiders are calling you Richard Splett, 'future of the party.'

Richard · Richard:When you listen to rumors, you rue more than... Nope. I don't know where I was going with that. / Works in sign language.

Us Weekly reporter · Richard:Twenty-Five Things That No One Knows About You. / Well, number one is, I love lists.

Selina · Richard · Richard · Richard:Oh, yes! Politico's reporting that Jonah's talking to you about the Secretary of Commerce. / I wish. Sounds much better than the conversation we were having about why his urine is pink. / We ruled out beets because he doesn't know what those are. / Then had to rule it right back in for the same reason.

Richard:You could've ended that sentence at 'me.'

Selina · Richard · Selina · Richard:All right, listen, one thing is clear after this runaway-Ferris wheel of a convention, and that's that Montez is gonna be president for another four years. / Makes sense. She made me proud to be an American again. / Okay, but after that, it's Splett time. / We can't call it that unless we want to get sued by my uncle's podcast.

Richard · Dan:President Meyer offered me Secretary of Agriculture. / Yes, Richard! Secretary of Swag-riculture! Oh, my God. Yes! I'm goin' back to Washington, baby!

Richard · Richard · Dan · Richard · Dan · Richard:But the 'but' was, 'But you have to fire Dan.' / So, I guess you're fired. / What? / Thanks for making this easy on me. / I gotta get out of politics. / To be honest, I never thought you were really cut out for it, anyway.

Richard:To be honest, I never thought you were really cut out for it, anyway.

Dan · Richard:You know, Richard, there are few things in life more difficult than the loss of a parent. / Who wants margaritas?

Richard · Unknown couple · Unknown couple:We have 40 head of alpaca now, 17 on the way. My daughter's stepping down from NASA to take over the ranch, so, I can focus on my watch-making. / We didn't have kids. Best decision we ever made. Best. Best. / Our greyhounds are our kids.