C**tgate

Mike · Unknown Advisor:It is possible some banks may require massive capital infusions. / That's the literal definition of bailing something out.

Unknown Advisor:So, next up on the hit parade, we get to decide which banks to bail out.

Selina:Well, I hope to fiscal fuck the fed has a trillion dollars stuffed in a mattress somewhere.

Selina · Unknown Advisor:And if we do nothing? / Go to the ATM Monday and dust will come out.

Tom James · Selina:My pick is EM Wheelright. / You know what, Tom? I think... oh, yes. What he just said.

Amy · Kent · Unknown:Because that's gonna look like you care more about your boyfriend than you do the economy, normal people, and everything else you're supposed to care about. / AIDS for example. / Thanks, Kent's autism.

Amy · Unknown Staffer:At least when Truman made the decision to drop the bomb, he wasn't fucking anyone in Hiroshima. / That we know of.

Jonah:Jonah Ryan campaign ad — 'I grew up right here in the awesome state of New Hampshire. The Granite State of the United States.'

Focus Group Member:That wood he's chopping, it's not gonna burn right. / To burn... the wood is not going to burn.

Focus Group Members:His head is too big for his body. But then sometimes his body is too big for his head. / He's the wrong shape.

Focus Group Members:I like the kid. / Like the kid in the ad, the little boy. / But I did not like that he was next to that guy. / I was like, 'Run, kid.'

Jonah:Oh, surprise, surprise. Look who's here. / Do you morons really not understand that this is a two-way mirror? / Seriously? Are you shocked by that technology?

Jonah:I work in the fucking West Wing, you Pepperidge Farm ad motherfuckers.

Jonah · Focus Group Members · Richard/Staffer:Fuck you. / Watch your mouth. / Sit your fucking mom jeans ass down, dude. / You've got to learn to control your fucking temper!

Campaign Manager/Staffer:This is beyond language. / I know the world of focus groups. / I think maybe we picked the wrong candidate.

Selina:Uh-huh. How is Catherine there and also here?

Selina · Gary · Staffers:"Recession Has a New NAME: the Selina Slump"? / No. Gary, you have the machine? / Listen to this. / 'In a further sign of low morale'... / No, you've got to read it properly. / Nope, that's not it. / You've got to spin it. / Here we go. Why does it keep doing the turning?

Selina · Gary:"A high-level West Wing staffer was recently overheard calling the president the C word." / Can you believe this shit? / Yeah, this is broken, by the way.

Selina · Staffer:We need a Jonah whisperer, except somebody who's gonna, like, yell in his face and call him stupid. / Oh, we need Dan Egan.

Selina · Ben:Well, are you doing it? / You're just sitting here farting into my couch.

Selina:I want you to find out who called me a cunt.

Mike · Dan:Hey, Dan. You want to go to lunch later at Hansong Korean Barbecue? / Come on, I've got a Groupon, expires Monday. / 50 bucks for $100 worth of food. / It's in Annandale, Mike. No one from DC goes to fucking Annandale.

Mike · Dan:Hey, how about an $80 in-home massage for 40 bucks? / With release? / No. / Then what's the point?

Mike:Jesus, Dan, you wouldn't know the smart move if it bent you over and fucked you with a Coke bottle.

Ben · Candi Caruso · Dan:I'm sorry, Candi. The position's been filled. / Aw. / Thanks for coming in. / It's good seeing you again. / Mm-hmm.

Mike:Is this about the coffee pods I took from the kitchen? / We had a brunch and I took them.

Mike · Amy:Okay, I'm sorry. I can't do this. She put me in charge of this whole stupid investigation and it was me. I called her a cunt. / You did? / I thought everyone knew it was me. / I was in the Senate building with Dan and I'm sure someone overheard me. / I shouted it into my phone on the Acela Quiet Car.

Selina · Staffer · Tom James:I've made my decision. We are going to bail out Charlie's bank. I don't care what hits we take. / Bravo, Madam President. / That's my final solution. / 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' / Do you get it? Yeah.

Selina · Catherine:Are you even getting any of this? / Getting what? / I was looking thoughtfully out the window. / Some straight up JFK level shit. / I was just getting some B-roll of the fax machine.

Richard · Jonah:Sir, as your director of communications, I need to tell you that we just got a letter from the band Rush. / Really? / They said that we can't use the song 'Working Man' anymore because they find you odious.

Jonah:You know what? I play what I want. Copyright shit went out with the Zune.

Jonah · Amy · Richard · Catherine:Whoa, I'm sorry. What are you doing here? / Hello, Jonah. Richard. / Hi, Catherine. / When you talk to me, you ruin the film. / Always a pleasure.

Amy:From now on, Jonah, you will shut the fuck up and do exactly as I say. And if you listen to me instead of your only two brain cells busy butt-fucking each other somewhere in the vast expanses of your misshapen skull, then maybe, Jonah, you might have a chance at becoming the first mentally impaired Frankenstein's monster to ever win an American election.

Amy:And by the way, your banner makes it look like your name is Jon H. Ryan, so great job, communications department.

Charlie Baird · Gary · Selina:How do you look so good with all this stress? You're glowing. You actually look younger. What did you do? / Oh, my God, he noticed. / What? / Uh, I have a new facial moisturizer. / And a new soap.

Gary · Selina · Charlie:Gary. / Yeah, I'll just stand over here. / Actually, I think... / I'll just leave the room. / Yes. / Yeah.

Selina · Charlie:Do you want to just have sex? / Yeah. / Yeah. / It's got to be quick, though. I got wheels up at 9:30. / Ooh, that turns me on.

Amy:Set a reminder. / Make an appointment to freeze eggs.

Selina · Amy:I want you to fire Gerry Duggan, Phil Neary and what's her ass, Lisa... / Hatch? / Yeah, I want her out of the comms department, okay? / Because they should not have let an article about me being called a cunt get out in the first place.

Selina:I'll tell you something, Amy. A lot of people don't want me to be president. And you know why. Because fundamentally, people hate women, right?

Amy · Selina:You okay, ma'am? / Have you ever been called a cunt? / Many times. / Well, now I have, too, apparently once.

Catherine · Selina:Hey, Mom, I'm back. / You were gone? Oh, right, you were in New Hampshire.

Catherine · Selina:Catherine's relationship backstory monologue: '...why things didn't work out between me and Jason. Or the guy in college who wanted to watch me pee. Or the guy with the weirdly high voice. No, there were two guys with weirdly high voices. / Yeah, there were two.'

Kent:Hanukah polls higher in Mecca.

Selina · Ben:What would you guys do if you had to choose between your cock and your balls? / I could lose them both. I mean, at this stage they're purely decorative.

Mike · Sue · Unknown Staffer:Guys, you want to go out later for some Hansong Korean Barbecue? / Korean barbecue is a travesty and a far cry from authentic. / I'm his plus one.

Sue · Selina:That's Korean for 'I hate you.' / Marjorie? / That is her name, right?

Unknown Staffer:Thank nonexistent Jesus.

Amy · Dan:They make you look half smart, you fucking goon. / You know what we call people like you back in my day? / Retards.

Richard · Jonah:Tom Petty says we can't use 'Won't Back Down' anymore. / Okay, well, fuck him if he thinks I'm gonna back down. That's, like, the whole point of the song.

Richard · Jonah:Also, sir, some bands we haven't used have sent some preemptive cease-and-desist orders. Sting, Bruce Springsteen... sent two letters, actually... and Enya. / Enya? / Send her a fucking cease-and-desist letter.

Richard:We got the okay from Gary Glitter, but he's in jail for child rape, so maybe not the first choice.

Dan · Jonah:The widow's beating you by 30 points. / She's a retired second grade teacher, for Christ's sake. / Yeah, who sucks and gives too much homework. / She's your second grade teacher? / Yeah.

Heckler · Jonah:You suck! Go back to Washington. / I think she did a fine job screwing up the country all by herself.

Dan · Bill:Bill. I thought you were in the... / The slammer? My lawyer got it thrown out on appeal. / O'Brien hired me to be the Widow Sherman's new campaign manager. / You're kidding me. / No, Dan. One thing you learn in prison is not to make jokes.

Bill:I am fructose intolerant, you nitwit.

Bill · Dan:I assume what I'm seeing is the patented Egan touch. / I'll see you on the campaign trail, amigo. / Tell the president no hard feelings. / Oh, wait, that's right. I do have hard feelings. I'm consumed by them.

Selina · Catherine:Oh, Catherine. Honey, you wanted to talk to me privately before. Now is a perfect time. / Really? / Mm-hmm. Now, what happened to the boyfriend with the high voice? / He couldn't go to the bathroom?

Selina:On second thought, we are now going to bail out Charlie and Wheelright. Thank you. / Yeah. / No. You know what? On third thought, let's just stick with the plan before. We're going to bail out Paulsten.

Leon · Amy:Huh, you eat. / I suppose you need something to nervously shit out.

Amy:Hello, Leon. It's always good to see the most left-swiped face on Tinder.

Leon · Amy:Or is a panicky mass firing because someone called POTUS a cunt in 'Politico'? / Ah, I just blew the lid off of Cuntgate.

Amy · Leon:- It's not a gate. - No, it's very much a gate. / You should watch out, Amy. / You don't want to be the face of Cuntgate. / Although you do have the perfect face for it.

Selina · Mike:Good evening. It is me again. / Um, yeah, so I was just talking to Mike and I definitely want to bail out Wheelright.

Amy · Mike:Mike! You fucking jagoff. / Is this about the coffee pods? I swear I was gonna put... / No, you told the president to bail out Charlie's bank.

Mike · Amy:No, I didn't say anything about banks. / I was talking to her about how Wendy paid off my student loans and how I love her for it. / You still have student loans? How old are you? / I'm not good with money.

Dan · Jonah:I guess when he had cancer, the doctors removed his ability to stop doing his kid's babysitter.

Jonah · Mrs. Sherman (Judy):Good morning, Mrs. Sherman. / I still remember that lovely macaroni portrait you made of your mother. / I don't recall that macaroni portrait, Mrs. Sherman.

Jonah:Did you hear that dig about the macaroni portrait? / Can you fucking believe that?

Ben:Hey, slow down. I'm on Coumadin.

Ben · Kent · Sue:Sue, we need to see the president. / Gentlemen, you'll have to towel off and wait. / She's in with someone. / Who? / Whom.

Sue:Gentlemen, you'll have to towel off and wait.

Selina · Tom James:Come on, Charlie, 100%. / 100%. / All right, great. / Now, on the other hand, bailing out your boyfriend, I mean, that could be career-ending, right? / Yeah, right. / But, I mean, if you had a gun to your head... / Oh, maybe the gun doesn't have any bullets.

Unknown Advisor:If we don't put a plan into action tomorrow morning, then by Monday we will be Greece. / The country, not the musical.

Ben · Selina:I got an idea. You can clear your head out and have a little fun at the same time. / What? / Yeah, I'll call Jonah and Dan and you can tear them a six-pack of new assholes.

Selina:Dan, I cannot fucking believe how terrible you are at your job. What, are you running on a platform of higher taxes and episiotomies?

Selina · Dan · Jonah:Put that world's tallest pile of garbage on the phone right now. / It's the president. / Fuck... / Hello, ma'am. / Hey, hunchback.

Selina:I don't know what you've been doing instead of trying to win, but I'm gonna guess that it has the word anal in it.

Selina:Now, you learn to control your cocksucking temper, otherwise I'm gonna come up there myself and I'm gonna shoot you in your fucking mouth.

Jonah · Dan:She hung up. / Fuck her. / You know, Selina Meyer is a second-rate mediocrity whose only achievement is single-handedly tanking the economy. / But somehow we're the losers doing anal with each other? / Her entire presidency has been one disgrace after another. / She has never respected me. / And I'm bad at my fucking job? / Fuck! / You know what? That's bullshit. / You're doing a good job. / Oh, fuck off. / No, this glasses shit, that was dope. These look great. That was a great idea.

Jonah:Yo, Granite State. Hey, how you feeling? / I see that Mayor Block isn't here tonight. Guess he couldn't get a babysitter. Or could he?

Heckler · Jonah:You suck! Go back to Washington. / But, yes, I was in Washington. / And I worked a very high-level, important job. / You helped Selina Meyer screw up this country. / I think she did a fine job screwing up the country all by herself.

Dan:This is so much more beautiful to watch than the birth of my child.

Jonah:My name is Jonah Ryan and I want to be your congressman. And I won't back down. Thank you.

Reporter · Mike:Can you confirm the allegation of the firing of three people from the comms office is tied to See-you-next-Tuesday-gate? / That sort of coarse language is far beneath the dignity of this room. / And also it's not a gate.

Mike · Ben:Ben, this is real. The whole room was sniffing around Cuntgate. / It's not a gate, Mike. / No kidding! It isn't a gate. I agree. I said that. / She's becoming seriously unhinged. / She has gone full metal Nixon.

Ben · Amy:Who do you think said it? / Well, we did. Me and Mike. / Oh, my God. I thought it was me. / No way. / No, I'm pretty sure I called her a cunt to the reporter who broke the story.

Ben:Amy, it's probable that your investigation has already determined that I was the one that called her a cunt. / I'm hoping that my utility to the organization gives you reason to protect me on this. / Also our friendship.

Gary · Amy · Ben:Gary. / It was me. I called the president the C word. / No, you didn't. / Really? / I was so mad about her not wearing sunscreen, which is stupid, and I was like, 'What an old crone.' / A what? / An old crone, Amy. / Gary, C is for cunt. / What? / We all called her a cunt. / Oh, my God! / What is wrong with you people?

Selina · Staffer:I've made my final decision. / I'm gonna bail out Charlie. / Madam President, you really don't have to make that decision yet. / I mean, you got a little bit more time. / I don't need more time.

Gary:Hey, ma'am, I know you made the right choice with Charlie because when you have found someone you love, who makes you feel special every time he talks to you and you can be happy just thinking about him, you know... / I mean, that's more important than anything, you know? / Yeah.

Reporter · Selina · Unknown Bystander:Madam President, what will you be buying for Mr. Baird? / I don't want to spoil Charlie's surprise under the tree... but I'm going to be purchasing a book of poetry by one of my favorite African-American poets, Wanda Coleman. / And I've got my eye on a graphic novel with a very strong female Asian protagonist. / So, merry Chris... happy holidays to everybody, right? / Right. / And let's go shopping. Thank you. / Please don't get me a book for Christmas. / I already have a book.

Selina · Staffer:No, no, that wasn't supposed to come now. / Hey, ma'am. Catherine keeps calling. Do you want to take it? / Uh, what? / No, just let it ring. Okay. / I don't know why she keeps calling.

Charlie · Selina:I'm Chapter 11. Janders is buying my assets. I'm CEO of a fucking yard sale. / Hey, Charlie, you know what? / How could you fucking do this to me? / What do you mean? / 'Politico' was right about you. / No, Charlie... / Hey, you said it wouldn't affect... / I know you had an eye job.

Selina · Unknown Staffer:You made the right call on the banks, ma'am. / Well, you can thank 'When Gary Met Sally' for that one. / He gave me some sappy speech and made me realize what an idiot I was being.

Staffer · Selina:In further good news, ma'am, Jonah had a huge polling bump since he hit on the strategy of attacking you. / What? He's attacking me? / Yeah, and the voters, they love it. / Is that good? / It's really good.

Catherine · Selina · Marjorie:Mom, there's something that I really need to find a way to say to you. / Catherine, I'm in the middle of a shitstorm like... / Please, I've been trying to talk to you for three days and I need to tell you something. / What is it, Catherine? What is it that is so pressing? / I've met someone and I know that this is awkward because you work with them, but we're in love. / Who? / Me and Marjorie. / Who? / Me, ma'am. / What?

Catherine · Selina:Now you know why I've been acting all silly and giggly. / Didn't guess. Didn't guess. / Amazing. / It's... amazing.

Selina · Gary:Uh... / What... / I wish Mother were alive. / 'Cause this definitely would have killed her. / You know how she was.

Amy · Selina:Ma'am, is this a good time? / You bet. / The investigation continues at a rigorous pace. / So who called me a cunt? / Uh... / Was it everybody? / Pretty much, yeah. / You can go.

Mike · Restaurant Worker:Hi, called ahead for $100 worth of food to go. Under McLintock. / And I'll be using a Groupon. / We don't take Groupon. / You have to take Groupon. / I already paid money for this Groupon, sir. / No Groupon. Total is $184.12. / Whoa, I told the guy on the phone $100 worth of food. Where's this $89 coming from? / That's your problem, sir.

Mike:Shit! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. / No, no, no, no.

Catherine · Marjorie:I can't stop smiling. / Neither can I.