Mike McLintock

Mike:The inter-nerds are on it.

Mike:Hey, it's the guy from 'My Left Foot.'

Mike:Don't tell me what to do, Doogie Fucking Howser.

Selina · Mike:What would you say were the two biggest campaign mistakes that we made? / You looked tired a lot and the hat. / I liked the hat. What are you talking about? / The hat hurt us. / Your head looked weird in the hat, that's all I'm gonna say.

Mike · Selina:Oh, Dan is a shit. / You want to expand on that? / Sure. He's a massive and total shit.

Mike:'Cause like if there were a book with covers made of shit, you'd think, 'That's intriguing. I wonder what's in this book that they saw fit to give it covers made of pure shit.' And then you open it and... shit.

Selina · Mike:Is your guy gonna be tweeting about this? / Okay, well, let me put it this way, Sam, that guy is no longer in a position to pay his iPhone contract. / That's because Mike McClintock there threw him into the Potomac River.

Selina · Mike:What if Tom Hanks dies? / What? / I'm not wishing that. I'm saying anything could happen... Tom Hanks could die, there could be a forest fire in L.A. / How did you get this job? You really want to base your press strategy based on trying to figure out when Tom Hanks is gonna...

Selina · Amy · Mike:What we're gonna do is we're gonna walk slowly to the car, okay? But you guys surround me, very purposeful. Like a human motorcade. / Exactly. / We're discussing important things. Like the pope.

Selina · Mike:Front page of the style section of the 'Washington Post.' / You're the head of communications, is that correct? / Yes, ma'am. / Tuck your shirt in. Okay? Your dick is hanging out of your pants.

Dan · Mike:In your poly-sci B.A., did you ever learn how to write a press release? / I think I might have heard of that.

Mike:Oh, my gosh, is this gonna become like 'Moonlighting' where we fall in love and start fucking?

Dan · Mike:Hey, Mike, your perspiration... / I know. / I'm just saying. / Can't help it. Sign of a healthy body. / There are products available, Mike. / I tried them all. Sweat right through 'em. I got very large pores.

Gary · Mike:I took a bullet for the veep. / How'd you take a bullet, Gary? / It was a sneeze bullet. Right in the face. Saved Selina from the bug. Pure instinct. It was like a dirty bomb and I... bam... Dived on it.

Jonah · Mike · Gary · Amy:I work at the White House, so I can just walk in and say, 'I'm from the White House. What the fuck are you doing?' / What? You work at the White House? / Oh, my God. Can I blow you? / Uh, yes, you can. I will meet you out in the hallway in a few seconds. / Sure, I'll get a stepladder.

Mike:We now go over live to the Vice President for her pissed-off reaction.

Mike:It's like Charlie Brown and the football.

Maria · Mike · Anthony · Mike:You have on a very sweaty shirt. / By golly, I do. / She speaks her mind. She's 84. / No. I had you pegged for 39, ma'am. / Mike is so good with facts.

Mike · Dan:So you, my friend, have your cock out at a funeral. / Sprinkles. / Oh, come on.

Mike · Leon West:Do you ever write about yoghurt in your newspaper? / No, I don't. I'm not a food writer. / What do you write? / I write about politics. I'm interested in lobbying, advocacy groups. / Do you know how yoghurt is made? / No, but I'm sure it's fascinating. / Don't patronize me.

Mike · Anthony:We'll have some information soon for you, okay, Anthony? And you know what? You guys can just act naturally like you'd normally act. / I'm normal.

Mike:My balls are comprehensively busted here. I'm down to my reserve pair.

Dan · Mike:Oh, fuck it, it's gonna break anyway. Yeah, as a matter of fact, Selina Meyers... / Is gonna come here in a second and order Jamaican rum with sprinkles.

Mike:From now on, you bleached, plucked asshole, I am your fucking Siamese stalker.

Mike · Selina:Ma'am, we spent a nice afternoon bonding with these owners. They're lovely people. / Online? Are you serious? / Yeah. It's much more relevant. I've been telling Dan this for years.

Mike:leave my fake dog alone.

Mike:it's just a hypothetical like yours.

Amy · Mike · Selina:okay, where'd he go? / he must be in the bathroom. / that prostate of his. / get in there, mike. go. / this in no way will be demeaning.

Mike:simon is an alpha male.

Mike · Staff:simon is an alpha male. / actually, i think that is a good idea.

Mike · Gary · Selina:i just got it from google images. / i'm sorry, ma'am. i thought you knew, ma'am. / otherwise i would not have been laughing. / gary knew? / even fucking gary knew?

Catherine · Selina · Dan · Mike:seriously, mike has a fake dog. you're like the only one here who doesn't know that. / what? / yeah, he uses it to get out of stuff like if he's late. it's called a shitbull terrier. / it's a bullshit-tzu.

Selina · Mike · Staff · Gary:is this true, mike? / it got a little out of hand. / you carry a picture of it in your wallet, mike. / i just got it from google images. / i'm sorry, ma'am. i thought you knew, ma'am. / otherwise i would not have been laughing. / gary knew? / even fucking gary knew?

Mike · Selina · Gary:Madam vice president, how are your Ravens doing this year? / My Ravens are gold and I'll tell you why. / Beer makes me so gassy. / You can talk about that... about how it always bloats you, beer.

Mike · Sue:Whoa, whoa. Your desk is in the back. / This is neutral territory. / Yep. So I'm claiming it.

Sue · Mike:Sue, would you like to tell him about the encroachment rules? / Do I look like a kindergarten teacher to you, Mike? / [beat] Actually, yes.

Mike:My zipper on my Leviathan broke, so I had to drive around trying to find a replacement.

Mike:Just visualizing you kicking ass on 'Meet the Press.' [beat — Mike is visibly exhausted]

Mike · Selina:David Gregory is ill. Sam Finnegan is the fill-in. / Ho ho, a virgin.

Selina · Mike · Gary:I know that I'm a Ravens fan, but, like, what if Finnegan is a Ravens fan, too? / A team can't play itself, can it? / You can in video games.

Jonah · Mike:Mike, who is incompetent, you or her? Because she just talked about filibuster reform. / He asked her.

Mike · Amy:That's lip sweat. / That's shimmer.

Selina · Mike · Selina:Listen, they wouldn't have recorded that, right? / I had the mic on, but I don't think it was hot. / Do you think that it was on?

Mike:He just went from a smiley guy to a frowny guy.

Mike:Oh, Jonah, that's a good look for you. What do you call that? Bi-casual?

Mike:You want to break out the white, pointy hoods, too, ma'am?

Mike · Amy · Dan:Once you go down that dark country road, the lights go out and the scarecrows come to life. / Yeah, anyone hear the banjo music? / Look, Mike, that's what you always hear because mentally you're in a fuckin' hammock on a back porch.

Mike · Dan:Hey, hey, somebody talk about something else? Anything. / Yeah, I gotta get these images out of my head. Can we talk about... I don't know... our favorite band or something, please?

Amy · Mike · Dan:Yes. Who else are you into, Mike, apart from the Eagles? / Uh, grateful dead. / Oh, that's the name of your favorite whorehouse, too, right?

Mike · Sue:Ugh, can't wait to get home and burn my clothes. / Don't fuck up that suit, Mike.

Selina · Mike:Am I sure? / Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did. Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that.

Mike · Selina:Undressing me with your eyes. / I'm adding more clothes, Mike.

Mike:Speaking of spacesuits, I met Buzz Aldrin at a book signing. You know what really freaks those guys out? Seeing 17 dawns in a matter of 24 hours.

Mike:Probably sending photos of his dick to himself.

Mike:Firefighters have a passion for their work. Arsonists just have a burning desire.

Selina · Mike:Is that even a joke? / Yeah, it's a word play or a parody.

Mike:Ladders, obviously germane to the firefighting business. You go, 'firefighters are always climbing ladders and in politics you're always...' and this, I don't even know what I wrote, but it's basically you're taking steps to get somewhere but without a ladder...

Mike:Too shock? Too shock?

Selina · Mike · Dan:You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? / Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night. / Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.

Mike · Selina:My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it... / All right, good job, dummy. Sit down.

Mike:'If it is, the best thing for her legacy is if she's assassinated before she starts showing.'

Mike:'Okay. I'll guess I'll just add this to the press release. People can start taking bets.'

Mike:Mike at the press briefing: 'I'd like to free that boy from the prison of obesity'

Mike:The secret service agent fired for smiling — cologne excuse: 'It was Paco Rabanne. I mean, this is not the '80s anymore, right?'

Mike:'Nobody wears that stuff. Sean might. You'd probably rather drink it, though. Right, Sean?'

Mike:'I believe, ahem, you asked a boring question, Leon, and I gave a boring answer. That's like carbon offsetting.'

Mike:'You're calling the vice president repugnant? That's a very emotive term, sir, and a little prissy, I might add.'

Mike · Amy:Mike's pen cap — 'Can I get the pen cap, too? This came with a pen cap. / The pen cap. Where was the pen... in your mouth? Did you put it in your mouth?'

Mike · Amy · Selina:The 'repugnant vs. pregnant' misunderstanding — 'I said she's repugnant. I said Selina's repugnant. / What? Why am I repugnant?'

Mike · Selina · Amy:Ma'am, if we just table this... I think we should just knock off the kid thing. / Lower that. / We need to get this over with.

Mike:'I have a black belt in Mike Kwan Do.'

Mike:'Hey, hey, easy, dough boy. Hands off the suit.'

Selina · Mike:'You are the closest to normal we've got going in this office right now.' / 'Thanks, I think.'

Mike · Martin Collins (reassigned Secret Service agent):Mike claims going to Iraq with the VP to 'present a Thanksgiving turkey' counts as being 'in the line of fire'

Mike:'No, but the line was there.' — Mike's comeback about the turkey-presenting 'line of fire'

Mike:'So how's the place been over at Arlington Cemetery going? I hear it's pretty nice there.' — Mike asks Collins about Arlington Cemetery

Mike:'Does he ever say anything funny?' — Mike asks Collins about his uncle with dementia

Mike:'No, you were transferred for being jocular and overfamiliar. Security guys are supposed to be like wallpaper. They're not supposed to be grinning like some ape.'

Dan · Mike · Amy:'Why would we let you in on our suicide pact?' / 'Because three is better than two.' / 'Not with testicles.'

Mike · Dan:Mike reveals he was part of a suicide pact in the '90s with Congressman Hartigan. Dan: 'What happened?' Mike: 'Oh, we got fired.'

Mike · Dan:Mike about unredacting: 'I'm getting really good at dacting.' Dan: 'Do you mean un-redacting?' Mike: 'Taking the black off.'

Dan · Mike · Amy:Her crying was very authentic and humanizing. / Okay. / I like your thinking. / I actually found it slightly erotic, too. / I take it back.

Dan · Mike:That's why it took me so long to split up with Angie. She'd always cry, I'd always get a hard-on. / Now you've lost me.

Dan · Mike:How do we make it happen? / Could spray her with pepper spray. / Call her fat. Kidding.

Dan · Mike · Amy:It's Catherine, right? The absent mother blubber. / Genius. / Chinese daughter torture. It's a good one.

Amy · Mike:I can't believe we're doing this. / On the other hand, we are currently polling lower than a side of beef with eyes drawn on it, so...

Mike · Furlong · Dan:Sir, this crying is tracking pretty well. / What? / Oh, shit. / Yeah, it's good. / Okay, that changes everything.

Dan · Mike:Come on, what are you waiting for? Give her the signal. / What the fuck is the signal? / There's no international signal to endorse. Use your fucking head. Give her a thumbs up or something.

Dan · Mike:She can't cry three times in a day. That's three strikes and you're out. / How big are her tear ducts? / It's like they're fucking tidal.

Dan · Mike:Okay, endorse. Endorse. Endorse. / You're sure? / Endorse. Yes.

Dan · Mike:What is that, Popeye? / No, be strong.

Jonah · Mike:Potus is so excited about this new narrative. / I engineered Selina crying on camera. I'm the puppet master. I'm Pinocchio.

Dan · Mike:Thank you, ma'am. This is all I've ever wanted. / This is all I've never wanted.

Mike · Amy:Is he... is Dan my boss now? / Can I just say that this is really exciting to watch?

Dan · Mike · Selina:I guess I've got some business to attend to. / What business? / That's a need-to-know basis, Mike, and you don't have the clearance. / Funny. Is that true?

Selina · Mike:All right, you're gonna need to stay in your former position. / In your face, Dan. Mmm!

Selina · Mike · Dan:All right, you're gonna need to stay in your former position. / In your face, Dan. Mmm! / Um, ma'am, I may have already issued a press release regarding my promotion.

Mike · Selina · Mike:Is he my boss again? / Only in title, all right? You're still senior to him. / In your fucking face.

Jonah · Mike:Why, you got money problems? Not money problems, money challenges.

Mike:Is this it? Nope, it's a rape alarm. Like she's ever gonna need that. I mean, she's not ugly, but she's got a lot of security.

Mike:I have a cracked keel, I have to dry-dock it. There's a bilge, which I don't even know where the fuck...

Selina · Gary · Mike:Okay, hmm, what is the solution to your problem, Gary? Oh, use another lipstick. Wow, that was easy. What is the solution to my problem? I sell a kidney?

Mike · Reporter · Sue:Is that a crack about my boat? Really funny. Put your boat on eBay. Can you put a sinking ship on eBay? You can put anything on there.

Mike:You can't reason with him. It'd be like explaining Supertramp to a Komodo dragon.

Ben · Mike:What is that, Ralph Lauren? For men. Well, that's a good scent.

Mike:Mike's car joke: 'Not quite. Like your mother, it's been previously loved and paid for by a couple of guys.'

Mike:Mike's escalating downgrade of his drinking problem: 'Not a problem. Uh, an issue. Not even an issue. A hitch. A drinking hitch.'

Selina · Mike · Amy:Selina responds to Amy's Brando/Annie line: 'That's a good one, Mike.' Mike: 'Thanks, ma'am.' — Selina accidentally credits Mike for Amy's joke.

Dan · Mike:Dan's Pilates studio infiltration confessional: 'Well, I think I might have found a way to get to Kent Davison.' Mike: 'If you kill his mother and then dress in her skin, that's technically illegal.' Dan: 'Technically.'

Jonah · Mike:Jonah is ecstatic on Air Force Two, taking photos, asking Mike to take a picture of him looking out the window: 'Jonah. Jonah, calm down. It's a plane with a logo. It's not Space Mountain.'

Jonah · Mike:Jonah admits to Mike he has never been on Air Force One. Mike's exaggerated reaction: 'Oh!'

Mike · Selina:Mike's stoic philosophy on his financial disaster: 'I've changed the only thing I can... my reaction to things.' Selina: 'Oh. And your boxers occasionally, I hope.' Mike: 'I have a fresh pair every day now.' Selina: 'Oh, good for you, Mike.'

Mike:The blog post reveals Selina's signals gestictionary — Mike names it: 'I can't just tear up the gestictionary and come up with new codes like that.'

Selina · Mike:Selina rejects the eyebrow rub: 'What if people think I have crabs in my eyebrows?' Mike: 'How can you have crabs in your eyebrow?'

Mike:Mike: 'Crap in a hat.' Then: 'She's fine, but she's done something that'll make you want to kill her.'

Mike:Mike on Palestinian film: 'If Owen Wilson's not in it, I probably don't know it.' ... 'That doesn't sound like one of Owen's.'

Mike:Mike: 'All right, next election I guess we lose Florida, then.'

Mike:Mike's helicopter decapitation fear: 'It's just getting in. I'm afraid it's gonna wobble. Like, you know, it'd chop the top of my head off like a soft-boiled egg and then I'm, like, running around trying to put my head back on.'

Mike · Rahim:Mike, trying to make conversation with Rahim: 'Right, Rahim?' about the Middle East being 'very confusing.' Rahim: 'No, sometimes it can seem pretty clear-cut to me.'

Jonah · Mike · Soldier/Guard:The hog-roast pig-blocking logistics: Jonah being asked to physically block the pig from view during Selina's pro-Israel statement; the hot coals problem; 'quit touching the pig, it's not a fucking petting zoo'; 'that fucker is skinned and roasted. He's at a huge disadvantage.'

Selina · Mike:Selina has been scratching her eyebrow for three and a half hours: 'I've been scratching my eyebrow for three and a half fucking hours. Where have you been?' Mike: 'I thought we weren't doing the eyebrow thing.'

Mike:Robust? I like it. It makes me think of wine. It's actually how I like my reds.

Mike:Explosive. Punchy. Fearless. I'm just saying words.

Dan · Gary · Mike:There goes the R-bomb. — I thought we weren't doing robust. — I thought we were still on considered.

Selina · Mike:Stick a thermometer up Washington's ass. See how much heat I just created. — Parting the cheeks.

Mike · Selina:MIKE: You don't look constipated. You look the opposite of it. — SELINA: What's the opposite of constipated, Mike? — Relieved. — No. Relieved is not the opposite of constipated, Mike. Hang up the phone, dummy.

Selina · Amy · Mike:Word cloud scene: 'robust' dominates, 'Sue' visible, Selina's name is tiny — 'It's bigger than collapse.'

Selina · Jonah · Mike:This isn't a POTUS thing. Why is scrotus here? — Think of me as a cheerleader, Mike. — Oh, God. I'm imagining you in a bathtub full of rose petals.

Mike · Gary:Maybe she's pregnant again. — Oh, God. — Or she's menopausal. — Oh, God, she's gonna want that testosterone gel. I'm out of here.

Mike:Pumped and dumped by the fame monster, huh?

Dan · Mike:What rhymes with majority? Nothing. / Oh, priority. And authority. Sorority. Oh, my God, there's a million words that rhyme with it.

Dan · Mike:We're all being hit by deadlines, right, Mike? Yes, sir. They can swing around and smack you like a boom.

Dan · Mike:Just protect the endangered goose, Bruce. / These are all great. / If the first one bombs, people are gonna be sitting out there thinking, 'Shit the bed, we got 49 more of these to go.'

Mike:Nobody can [get in with Kent]. He's half robot, half robot.

Mike · Dan:And did you? / No. / And that failure has haunted me to this very day.

Mike:I have a similar story, but the other way around. In college there was only one girl that was interested in me. And it turns out she was actually a lesbian.

Dan · Mike:Everyone hates him. / Yeah, but we hated him first. / Oh, yeah, we hated him long before it was even fashionable to hate him.

Mike:This is like a wildlife documentary. Jonah in his natural habitat. He might defecate in a bush.

Mike:Uh, no, you don't want me, sir. You do want Dan. He's great.

Mike · Selina:Ma'am, please don't let him take me. I don't want to go to numbers camp. / I can't help you. Just let go.

Mike:I don't make impressions, ma'am. I've literally lived with people who insist I was never there.

Mike:Not yet, but I do have a summary of the summary that's great.

Mike:It's fucking insane here. It's like a math prison. They rape you with numbers.

Mike:Imminent...al.

Mike · Dan:Oh, you want to learn to McLin-talk, huh? Remember it's a performance. You have to pretend that you're charming. It doesn't matter if the jokes are weak, keep it loose. Deliberately bad jokes. It's kind of genius.

Mike:If you do this, I will get you back in as the veep's resident creep.

Mike:All this melodrama really explains your three divorces.

Kent · Mike:Are you familiar with the Eye of Sauron? ... I think I caught it on a plane once.

Mike:Is Selina Gollum?

Mike:Christ, I hate knowledge.

Jonah · Mike:Shit, maybe it was control A. I think you might have selected all and sent everything that was on that thumb drive. / That's what you told me to do. / No, I didn't. / You said command A. / No, I said control A. / You just couldn't hear me because you didn't have your ear trumpet.

Mike · Jonah:I feel like I want to burn this thing. Can I burn this computer? / Why would you burn that, Mike?

Mike · Kent:Sir, I was thinking the Eye of Sauron, you know? Keep the focus on Helsinki. / Sailing.

Mike · Leon:Mike trying to spin the song as 'jesty' and the reporter repeating 'Jesty?' back at him with obvious skepticism

Mike · Leon:Mike responding to Leon's rapid-fire gotcha questions about the spy coverup by saying 'Is your blood sugar off? Have a pastry or some herring, okay?'

Leon · Mike:Leon's systematic dismantling: 'Either she knew the student was a spy and lied when she denied it, or she didn't know, but lied about knowing the details of the military rescue.' Mike's response: 'This isn't Meyer the Liar again.' Leon: 'Well, it is now.'

Mike · Selina:Selina: 'Some dumbass is resurrecting Meyer the Liar.' / Mike: 'Ugh, just because my last name rhymes with liar.'

Mike:Mike: 'How lucky am I that I'm not Selina Mapist or Selina Medophile?'

Mike · Amy:Mike singing: 'Amy and Ed work for the VP, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.' / Amy: 'Fuck off, Mike.' / Mike: 'Sure.'

Ben · Mike:Ben: 'As people say, if it rhymes, it chimes.' / Mike: 'Who says that? No one says that.' / Ben: 'I'm pretty sure I heard someone say that.'

Mike · Amy · Selina:The team discusses a man killed by a bear near a ranger station closed by the shutdown; Mike speculates 'he must have goaded him... forcing the bear to dance'

Mike · Selina · Amy:Mike announces three tasks. Selina says 'And that's two things.' Amy says 'Yeah, as well as getting in touch with the press guys?' Selina confirms, 'Two things.' Mike: 'Call the Guinness Book of World Records.' 'Oh, no, no — that would be three things.'

Mike:Mike is on the phone with the bear widow, apparently suggesting it was the bear's fault due to natural hunger; we hear him say 'That's really not what I meant. You misunderstood, honestly. When I said fault, I meant that it wasn't your husband's fault because bears are naturally hungry.'

Mike:'The West Womb!'

Mike · Sidney Purcell:Mike lies to donors: 'She's stuck on a call with the Australian ambassador.' Sidney Purcell: 'The Australian ambassador? Oh, that's good. I've never heard that one before.'

Mike · Sidney Purcell:Mike: 'But the Vice President is in great spirits. She's buoyantly waiting to meet you all.' Purcell: 'Like I said, it's a call.'

Mike:Mike: 'Unless you want to go down there and sing them a chorus of Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee, you can't go downstairs.'

Mike · Sidney Purcell:Mike to donors: 'Unfortunately, the Vice President is still stuck on a phone call with Australia, so she's going to have to postpone...' Purcell: 'Mike, you know, in the southern hemisphere, the bullshit actually flows the other way. Did you know that?'

Dan · Mike · Selina:Dan buys Mike's boat while Selina is clearly intoxicated: 'Shake on it, Magic Mikey.' / Mike: 'You just got a boat.' Dan: 'And I just got a vote.'

Selina · Mike · Reporter:Reporter: 'Were there any mitigating circumstances? Was there carpeting or...' / Mike: 'Yes.' / Selina: 'Yes.' / Mike: 'There was.' / Selina: 'Yes, it has been confirmed that there was carpeting there.'

Selina · Mike · Dan · Gary:The Taiwan cartoon: anime-style news report showing Selina walking into a glass door, everyone laughing including Selina

Dan · Mike:Dan: 'Did we warn her one of the Get Moving ambassadors was a one-legged veteran?' / 'He's behind her. She's never gonna see him.' / 'Does it look good, her beating a one-legged guy like that?'

Selina · Mike:Mike: 'Hey, ma'am. I have some sort of hazy memory of me promising to buy your boat.' [pause] 'Yeah, you did. Well remembered.' Selina: 'That's not gonna happen. You can't hold me to that, right?' Mike: 'Yeah, no. Sure. Of course.'

Mike:'Man, that is low. That's like trying to have sex with somebody who's passed out.'

Mike:Mike's final line: 'I thought you were adopted.'

Congressman · Mike:Maybe you can hook me up with Charlize Theron. / Funny, but I'm being serious, sir. / No, I'm being serious, too. I'd like to fuck her.

Congressman · Mike:Holy shit. She's leaving the ticket. / No, absolutely not. We had a fucking deal.

Mike:I was this close to living on my boat.

Selina · Mike:Well, from up here, they look like ants. / ( Mike chuckles ) / That's a joke. / Because they are ants.

Mike:I would hate to be that local Iowa guy that's gotta take care of her, trying to source gazpacho in a city that thinks soup is for fags.

Mike:Nice day for a Mike wedding!

Mike:Would you like me to mold the cake into a pair of testicles for you, Gary?

Wendy · Mike:Either you put your phone in the phone bowl or I put it in the punch bowl. / Isn't she funny? We crack up all the time. Even when we're having sex.

Mike:Yes, it is a wonderful day today.

Mike:you have to suckle Iowa

Mike:I am but a satellite caught in the gravity of your planet, Wendy.

Mike:This is my last wedding. Come on.

Mike · Wendy:Well, you know what? We could consummate this marriage right here. No one would notice or give a shit. / We could. Or? / We could check our phones.

Mike:We put a penny in a jar every time we have sex. We've already got like 15 in there.

Mike:Hey, gotta go. Telly Savalas is gonna kill some Nazis.

Wendy · Mike:Mikey, honey, look who I found in a basket at our front door. / Jonah, what are you doing here?

Mike:Walt, Randall, this is Sasquatch. / The edible garbage is out back in the alley.

Mike · Walt/Randall:And then I taped 'The Great Escape' for later. / Oh, 17? / 17. / So wrap it up soon.

Jonah · Mike:So, you're probably bumming you can't be out on that boat in Baltimore Harbor with the Veep, huh? / Honeymoon. / Yeah.

Mike · Jonah:Yeah... but it's not a campaign office. / It's a real estate acquisition. / Oh, yeah. Of course, right. / A PAC-quisition, huh?

Mike · Wendy:Consulting on what? / How to delete your Internet search history?

Mike:Why are you at our house, then?

Mike · Selina · Ben:Oh, Jonah knows we opened a campaign office. / He came by my house... Wendy's house. / You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house? / And you didn't shoot him?

Mike:Honey, is Selina's book in the bathroom?

Mike:You know what I have a bunch of unsold ones in my car.

Mike · Dan:"Freedom is what this nation is built on..." blah, blah, blah... "and freedom means the freedom to choose how to use that freedom to protect the freedom of others." / Sorry, that's just pastel-colored shit.

Mike · Selina:See that, ma'am? / I've got Cunningham. I know, he's pro-choice. / Life! / Got it.

Mike · Amy:Which is in weeks...? / Divide by seven, Mike.

Kent · Selina · Mike:Kent greets Alicia Bryce with a flat 'Sure.' — then Selina's aside: 'Whatever it is I'm selling, he is not buying.' / Mike: 'Don't worry, he's like that with all the humans.'

Mike · Leon:Mike: 'Leon, today is a very high-pressure day, and as you know me, I don't even like high-pressure showers.' / Leon: 'Is that what I've been smelling? I thought maybe it was your panic.'

Aide · Mike:Selina's aide: 'Axe Body Spray, right, Mike?'

Mike:Mike about the SNL sketch: 'The Sphincter Scale' — this has just hit nine on the Sphincter Scale.

Mike:Mike: 'Come on over, Sue. "Sue" casa es su casa.' (guffaws at own joke)

Mike:Yeah, not some pissant who narrowcasts libelous poison from his mother's phone.

Mike · Jonah:Mike calls Jonah 'Jonad' as an insult in front of the crowd; Jonah protests 'Real professional, Mike' as Mike chants 'Jonad! Jonad!'

Mike:Mike: 'Put your boss on the phone, or I will sauté your sack, you SNL shitstick.'

Mike · Selina:Mike introduces Alicia to Selina and then immediately undercuts her: 'Like, who's this lady in the back row? I don't even know her.' — referring to a cancer survivor, then: 'Yeah, but not a bad one. An easy one, like finger or skin. Not one of the hard ones.'

Alicia · Mike · Selina:Selina asks 'Are they all as special as me?' — Mike and Selina both say 'No. No, no, no.' / Mike: 'This guy here is just an injured fireman. I don't see any scars.'

Amy · Mike:Amy: 'Amy was born to be with kids.' / Amy: 'Well, peeing is fun!'

Dee · Mike:The Dee don't stand for anything. That's like me askin' you what does the 'Mike' stand for? It stands for 'Mike kinda guy.'

Mike:Mike to Alicia, apologetically: 'You look like you killed a hooker.'

Mike:Mike tries to get Alicia to deliver the bad news herself: 'You may know what I'm about to say, so please feel free to say it. That way I don't really have to say it.'

Mike:We have to stand you down, Alicia, for this event. We're not gonna need you.

Mike:Mike, on the phone during crisis: accidentally calls Alicia a 'stupid cow' — then tries to explain: 'Where I grew up, my dad called my mom a cow all the time. It's not bad, it's homey and friendly. "I love you, baby, you're a cow."'

Mike:Ow! I'm trying to help you, you stupid cow!

Amy · Mike:Mike's coworkers react to the "cow" explanation with complete silence/disbelief, punctuated by Amy: "Oh, my God, Mike. What are you going to do for an encore? You gonna punch the kid?"

Mike · Jonah:Mike begs Jonah not to run the cow story: 'I'm appealing to your better nature.' / Jonah: 'Mike, I don't have one of those.'

Mike:Five, six, seven, eight... [Mike counts himself into 'Goober Peas']

Alicia · Mike · Jonah:Alicia to Jonah about the cow incident: 'I don't know what you're talking about.' / Mike: 'This is the problem with you new media guys. You don't check your facts.' / Jonah: 'I saw it happen!'

Alicia · Mike:Alicia to Jonah after denying the cow story: 'I don't know what you're talking about.' / Then turns to Mike: 'You called me a cow.' / Mike: 'I am the cow!' / Alicia: 'You are.' / Mike: 'Moo!'

Mike:This is the problem with you new media guys. You don't check your facts.

Mike:That baby had a mean look in its eyes, like its mama.

Mike · Selina:I'm calling this 'Pacific Trim.' You know what 'trim' is? It's twat.

Mike · Selina:What about this 'Alcatraz-matazz'? They look like two couches.

Gary · Mike:Gary is washing Icy Hot out of his shirt in the office dryer. Mike emerges from a bathroom stall with a suspicious bag. Gary: 'Is that bag full of your fluids?' Mike: 'Not the whole bag. A specimen cup full of little Mikes.'

Mike:Mike: 'All my "troops" are in a cold bag now, okay? I just gotta get them to the doctor so he can begin the assault on "Egg Mountain."'

Selina · Mike:Mike returns from the bathroom and claims he was 'focusing' on Selina's needs in there. Selina: 'I hope you were focusing on me in there.' Mike: 'Oh, no. I wasn't.'

Mike · Selina:Mike claims to have 'really important stuff to do' and can't go to the country. Then admits he could 'do it in the country.' Then admits he has allergies.

Ben · Mike · Amy:Amy's dinner party: wine spill — Mike does something to cause the spill, then: 'Don't rub it, Mike. I'm making it worse.' Ben: 'I was gonna get a new rug, so... I could take a dump on it, if you need a clincher.'

Amy · Mike:Amy's dinner: 'Oh, there was a seating plan. But it is absolutely fine.' (after someone ignores it) / Wine is spilled on Mike, Amy: 'Don't rub it, Mike. I'm making it worse.'

Mike · Gary · Group:Mike: 'So everybody knows that I was in there masturbating into a cup now?' Gary: 'No, I was the only one who knew, Mike.' Everyone: 'We all know now.'

Selina · Mike:Mike: 'It's actually a cooler.' Selina: 'Oh, then, by all means. Open it up, let's have a picnic. I'll boil up my eggs.'

Gary · Mike:Gary: 'I feel all floaty. What's this one called?' Mike: 'It's a boilermaker.' Gary: 'A boilermaker!' (laughs) 'I'm a Prosecco man.' Mike: 'I wouldn't spread that around, Gary.'

Gary · Mike:Gary: 'I carry around Selina's big, heavy bag of her tampon bullshit.' (laughs) 'The doctor told me to get another job.' Mike: 'You need to get another doctor.'

Mike:Mike pantomimes ordering a cortisone shot, then 'tequila,' then 'tequila-aa... oh...!' — implying shots for both the shoulder and the bar.

Amy · Mike:Amy arrives at the bar and is horrified to find Mike's specimen cooler on the bar. Mike: 'Relax, Amy. It's a spoiled batch. I missed my window today at the clinic and Wendy is not happy.'

Kent · Amy · Ben · Gary · Mike:Kent's plan: 'We should throw your expired cum at Jonah's door.' Group chants: 'Let's throw cum! Let's throw cum!' Mike: 'Amy, no, no... that's my DNA!'

Mike:Mike's closing talking head: 'Had a romantic dinner... champagne, oysters, then Wendy finished me off in a cup. It was beautiful.'

Ben · Mike:Ben: 'Sounds pretty good, except for the oysters. Yeah, well, I like them.' / Group plans to throw the specimen at Jonah's door 'like a contract killing.'

Selina · Mike:Thanks for sending me the speech, Mike. It's perfect... -ly shit.

Selina · Mike:Your first drafts are always terrible. — That's my fourth.

Mike:How about I have the veep put her arms like in 'Platoon' and scream, 'Why?' Too wordy?

Ben · Selina · Mike:Minimum four-second handshake. — Minimum six-second handshake, and I want a toothy smile. — Perfect. Because we've got to prove they both don't hate each other.

Mike · Selina · Ray:Mike interrupts the workout/liaison with paperwork for Selina to sign, she's clearly mid-exercise or compromised, he reads the statement as she writhes on the floor.

Mike:I wrote a soundbite once and had the entire crowd in tears. Even the police horses.

Selina · Dan · Mike:'Veep's campaign needs a helping hand.' — Jesus. — How the fuck do you screw up a handshake, Mike? It's four fingers and a thumb.

Mike:100 years since the Great War is so my area, Amy. Death, glory, folly, tragedy. It's got the four main mood groups.

Mike · Gary:Madam out there hobnobbing, us here in the servants' quarters. It's like 'Downton Abbey.' 'McClintock, Lady Selina wishes to eat a Cornish pasty in the paddock this evening. Post-haste, you bugger!' / I love that voice. It makes me feel inadequate and horny. The dream.

Dan · Gary · Mike:Well, she's gonna drink it and she's gonna smile, Gary. / I've got some peppermints. / I've got digestive enzymes.

Selina · Mike:Siri, how many horses died in the First World War? / Why are you asking that? / For the speech. / No. I'm not talking about horses. Cancel search, Siri.

Mike:Very proud of it, ma'am. I gave this one 100% effort. As I do everything I write for you.

Selina · Ray · Mike:Speech critique exchange: 'Too effy for me' / 'That sentence is impossible to comprehend' / 'I could normalfy this for you' / 'No. No, no, no.'

Mike · Amy:Why does he have access to the 'G' folder? I don't even have access to the 'G' folder. / Yes, you do, Mike. We all do. It's the general file on the iCloud. / Everything was much easier when it was just floppy discs.

Mike:Everything was much easier when it was just floppy discs.

Ray · Mike:'I write a lot of treatii.' / 'Treatises, Ray. The normal plural.'

Dan · Amy · Mike:Daniwah! Easy, buddy! Get your hands off me, all right? I don't want to catch your fucking idiocy. Oh, he's having a heart attack. Are you having a heart attack? No, I think he's just having a breakdown.

Mike · Amy:This is like the Queen's china. They're never gonna let us back into England again. [Someone breaks china] / Shh! It doesn't matter. / It does matter! This is the fuckin' Queen's china! / Shh!

Mike · Selina:Dan had a nervous collapse. Amy's taking him to the hospital. Ben went back to DC. Kent's firing Ray. And I'm in charge. / Fuck! / I know, right?

Mike:So, did they cure you or whatever?

Gary · Furlong · Mike:The elfin look is in right now. I was reading about it. / People don't elect elves, okay? They put them to work in grottos or they get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them. / Okay, that's dwarfs.

Gary · Furlong · Mike:Do you really think it's too short? / Yeah. She looks like k.d. lang. / Think of all the lesbian jokes we're gonna have to suffer. 'Strap-on Selina,' 'Selina Navratilova,' 'fingering the dyke.'

Mike:'Strap-on Selina,' 'Selina Navratilova,' 'fingering the dyke.'

Mike:Because you have created a fuckload of work for me. I have to go out and find a friendly style reporter, get 'em on our side — preferably a blind one.

Amy · Mike:You're married to one. / A blind woman?

Amy · Mike:Mike, you said Wendy would be here. Where is she? / She's not my dog, Amy. — who actually isn't very well at the moment. / I don't care, Mike. Just get Wendy here. / She's got a problem with an anal gland. / I'm talking about the dog.

Gary · Mike:Hello, Mike. / I just told Wendy that Ray picked the hat, but then Selina said that he didn't, so now Wendy knows that Selina's lying. / I'm sorry, Gary. You lost me at 'Hello.'

Mike · Wendy:Baby, we have a little situation here. / Okay, just what exactly did Gary say, okay? You didn't say anything about FLOTUS, did you? / No, but you just did. / FLOTUS? What about FLOTUS? / I didn't say anything about FLOTUS. / She's a reporter. / Shut up.

Mike · Wendy · Amy:Okay, babe, look. I'm gonna give you the Joe Thornhill affair. / Thornhill had an affair? / What the hell is wrong with you? / That's okay. That's good with me. I'll take that. / Good boy. Good boy, good boy, good boy.

Mike · Wendy:Mike gives Wendy the Thornhill affair in exchange for killing FLOTUS. 'Good boy. Good boy, good boy, good boy.'

Wendy · Mike:Thornhill just ran the Thornhill story, which makes my Thornhill story useless. So now you have to tell me about FLOTUS. / I can't tell you about FLOTUS. FLOTUS is a no-go-tus.

Mike · Wendy:But I love you. Does that make everything better? / This is what our marriage is gonna be? This? / It doesn't have to be. Wait, what are we talking about?

Mike:There's always gonna be a conflict of interest. But that's what marriage is — a conflict of interests.

Gary · Mike:Are you guys fighting? Please don't fight. / Gary, get the hell out of my marriage. / Okay, got it.

Unnamed staffer · Mike:Mike, I haven't gotten any questions about her hair. / Thank fuckin' God.

Mike · Selina:Leave Selina? That's not possible. / Is it? You would see a lot more of me. / Oh, no. That's not good.

Selina · Mike · Gary · Amy:The team discovers Quincy's phone has been recording — panic ensues. 'It knows too much.' / 'Let's just throw it in the toilet.' / 'And say what, Mike?'

Mike:Let's find us a house, Wendy, where we can keep ducks. For us and the ducks. Of course, the kids, too.

Mike:I have to go see homeless people. / And see if there's one with a pool.

Selina · Mike · Ben · Dan:POTUS is resigning. Selina's president. / Fuck off! / POTUS is gonna resign. Selina's gonna be president. / Oh, shit.

Mike:Oh, shit. / I was gonna raise ducks.

Selina · Mike:And, Mike, I need you. / Yes, you do.

Mike · Dan:Wow, only 44 other senior press advisors have ever felt like this. / That's right, yeah. We're the chosen ones, bud.

Mike:I don't understand this, 'cause yesterday we were all doing jokes about the box, now she's commander-in-chief. How is this happened?

Mike · Selina:Mike yells 'President of the United States!' after pretending to forget what Selina is becoming.

Mike:Mike: 'This is an historic moment. I'm not talking about this first female president thing. I'm talking about the first redhead press secretary.'

Mike:Mike: 'Big crowd today. Something important happen that I'm missing?' (entering the White House briefing room)

Mike:Mike: 'Any questions? You know what, I'll do the first one myself. Uh, Mike McLintock, why are you so darn handsome?' (press corps laughs) 'Uh, why are you laughing at that one?'

Mike:Mike: 'They fuckin' love me in there, Ben. My bit about gun control killed. My bit about voter ID laws identified itself as hilarious.'

Selina · Kent · Mike:The Leslie Kerr/Leslie Carr/Leanne Carr name confusion chain — Selina fires the wrong person entirely.

Mike:Mike: It was a mishearing which led to a misspeaking which led to a misfiring.

Selina · Ben · Mike:Selina: 'What man is named Leslie, for fuck's sakes?' Ben/Mike: 'Leslie Nielsen. Leslie Moonves. Leslie Frazier, the coach for the Vikings...'

Mike:Mike at press briefing: 'I mean, we all make mistakes... just ask your mom and dad.' (laughs) / 'Has President Meyer spoken to Iran?' 'I'm not able to answer that. Otherwise I'd have to have you killed.' (laughs)

Mike:Mike: 'Yeah, like a Snapchat presidency.' (about Selina potentially having the shortest administration in history)

Mike · Selina:Selina gets the oath wrong because Mike fell into a lamp during the ceremony.

Catherine · Mike:Catherine: 'I think there were fundamental issues with the New Hampshire campaign and I just wish I'd have been here earlier to advise you.' Mike: 'Campaigns are a lot more difficult than experimental dance troupes, Catherine.'

Mike:Mike: Campaigns are a lot more difficult than experimental dance troupes, Catherine.

Mike · Dan:Mike: 'It's good we won Dixville Notch.' Dan: 'It's got a population of 12, Mike.' Mike: 'I know, Dan, but it's famous.' Dan: 'Our Lord Jesus started with 12.' Mike: 'He didn't win New Hampshire, either.'

Mike:If I make it to 50, I can quit fruit for good.

Selina · Mike:Smells like Puerto Rico in here. / I'm juicing.

Richard · Mike:That was the actual President of the United States. It never stops being cool. / She calls me Mike. / That is your name.

Mike:But imagine I haven't.

Mike · Amy:Don't shoot the messenger. I just gave you the message. You're being shot by the messenger.

Mike:I got recognized on the street today. Guy had already met me and then forgot that he met me and then recognized me from TV and then remembered me again.

Mike · Dan · Amy:I don't like to swear, guys, but I think the S is about to hit the F. / The shit is gonna hit the fuck? / No, F is for fan, Mike, not fuck. Why would shit hit fuck? Shit doesn't hit fuck.

Mike:She's bebop speaking.

Sean · Mike:She's outlasted William Henry Harrison, our shortest serving president. / She feels great, unlike President Harrison who contracted pneumonia during his inaugural address and died.

Mike:I call it Tangerine Dream.

Ben · Mike:Hey, I hate to ask, but would you mind helping me out? Would you tell the media that Bill Ericsson's taking your job? It would just make it seem more amicable. Would you do that for me? / [Long pause] No.

Mike · reporter:It was just a preemptive cleaning, much like a juice cleanse. / But the Native American painting is the only one getting the cleanse? / Other paintings will also be cleansed. Cleansed is not the right word. Wiped. No, not wiped. / Cleaned.

Mike · aide:I just find these paintings to be inspirational. I really do. / I particularly love this color here. I think this is so pretty, don't you? / I believe the title is 'Massacre.'

Staffer · Mike:Where did HIV come from? I think some guy fucked a monkey.

Mike · Gary:Maybe because, Gary, we ruined a girl's life. Negative, negative, negative.

Mike · Selina:Great, now parents hate us. Oh, God, welcome to my childhood. And adulthood, actually.

Mike · Ben:Sue cannot tell me how to do my job. She just did.

Selina · Mike:Do you think that's the best move, ma'am? The thing I just said that I should do? Do I think it's the thing I should do? Is that your question, Mike?

Mike · Selina:Okay, Catherine, up, out. For fuck's sake. / All right, that's enough with the F words. Thank you very much. I apologize for her behav...

Selina · Mike:Mike, did I see you smiling when it was suggested I might be fired? Me? No. I... I wasn't smiling. I was stretching my lips because I have very dry lips, and my doctor said, 'You should probably stretch them.' So I was following medical advice. Like... Like that. That's what you're going with?

Mike · Selina:Why am I carrying eggs, huh? I'm up to my eyeballs in HIV. No, no, don't give them to me. There's a six-foot bunny out there with 30 spoons. You can't miss him.

Mike:The person with ultimate responsibility is... is Dan Egan, Chief Counsel to the President?

Aide · Gary · Mike:Where's the woman who changed world politics? — She's taking a piss. / She's freshening up.

Mike · Ben:Wait, Ben, is this Ambien? How many of these have you taken? — Look, I need to sleep. I got all jacked up on licorice last night and I was belly dancing till dawn.

Mike · Ben:Imagine being detained for two weeks just 'cause you're a journalist and a shithead. — Yeah.

Mike · Ben · Aide:It's a good job we had nothing to do with his being detained. — Yeah, wouldn't that be terrible? — Mm-hmm. — Wait, did we have something to do with...? [music plays]

Selina · Aide · Mike:How are the folks on the press plane? — Sober. — They got the shakes so bad, I think I see the plane rattling.

Mike:An hour? These guys could be drinking jet fuel.

Mike:Turns out the Iranians need everything in triplicate. Maybe that's 'cause they invented numbers, huh?

Mike:Let's face it, he's probably gonna get a book deal out of this.

Mike:See that? Catlike reflexes. [catches thrown bottle]

Mike · Leon:A face I never thought I'd want to kiss. — I still don't.

Mike · Leon:Nice hotel? — Yeah, I'll have something to say about it on TripAdvisor. Worst minibar ever.

Mike · Leon:And you, sir, get to fly home on Air Force One. — Whoa. — Yeah. — I'm shallow enough for that to be exciting.

Mike · Leon · Mike · Mike:Did you know it can survive a nuclear blast? — Yeah. — Not that you guys are planning one. I... ignore me. I don't know why I said that. — His English isn't very good.

Mike:The president has a big-ass scotch on the rocks for you. — Yeah. — Which is iced tea. It's iced tea.

Selina · Mike:People are now comparing me to Nixon, I heard, right? — They didn't mean your looks.

Mike · Ben:Ben, wake up. — Gary, why are you giving me all that Ambien?

Gary · Mike:Hey, that's Air Force One. — Oh, my God. What the hell is happening? — Why are they leaving us? — Are we at war? — Is it here? Sweet Jesus. — No, it can't be. It can't be. — Oh, sweet Jesus. — Stop saying Jesus. Stop it!

Mike:I've never had strong feelings for a plane, but right now I would cheat on Wendy with that thing.

Mike · Gary:Plane's broken. We can't take off. They said it's gonna be a week until they get the part. — Jesus Christ, the Chinese can 3-D print a hundred houses in that time.

Mike · Gary · Mike:We need to get on the press plane. — The press hates us, especially you. — They can't stand you. — We have booze, Gary. — And they have a crippling dependency. — What, is this gonna work? — In a dry country, the man with all the booze holds the cards.

Mike:We've got about 10 seconds to drink everything and then eat the bottles.

Mike:I'm not gonna make it to the cottage, Wendy. — I'm in Iran. — Turns out you can't buy a boarding pass with tiny bottles of Jack Daniels.

Mike:I'm not gonna make it to the cottage, Wendy. I'm in Iran. / Turns out you can't buy a boarding pass with tiny bottles of Jack Daniels.

Mike:Mike describing Karen: 'I cannot take Karen anymore. It's been weeks and she has yet to speak a declarative sentence.' / 'Like living next to a highway.'

Ben · Mike:'He's been half-acuted' / 'Like being decapitated but surviving. Happens to chickens a lot.'

Mike · Selina:'Now they can kill him properly. God, you'd think they could do that right. Death row... the clue is in the name.'

Sue · Mike · Selina:Death row inmate update: 'He died.' / 'Oh, finally, right?' / 'Death row... the clue is in the name.'

Tom James · Selina · Mike:Tom James retelling his own joke to Mike — 'Again?' / 'Yeah, definitely tell him. Please. Can't wait. It's hilarious.'

Mike:'This is the best announcement since all those pandas got pregnant.'

Press · Mike:The Mommy Meyer Bill. Is it doomed? First off, it's not the Mommy Meyer Bill. It is the Families First... No, it's the Meyer Bill. And it's about as doomed as my donut habit.

Selina · Mike:I thought I would say, 'So I'm in the firing line for the second time today.' Hilarious, ma'am. Yeah, I know, it's not that funny. No, it's just my voice. I always end up sounding sarcastic.

Selina · Mike:Mike, I'm good. I'm gonna duck out for now. You got me. Yeah, I did. So you can take over, you bozo.

Mike:We have a good time here, don't we?

Mike:That is obviously... What is clear... That our view... Is we don't support that view.

Mike:Words don't kill people, unlike guns, which can and did. Which is bad. It's so bad. I could go on.

Mike:I am not Merlin, okay? I don't have a magic car or whatever he had.

Mike · Selina · Ben:Tom James took a crap all over America. Why do I got to grab the shovel? I'm not a shit cleaner. It's your job. You are the shit shoveler. Well, some shit doesn't get off. What? I don't know what that means.

Mike · Tom James:The Meyer campaign used the health records of dead children to target and appeal to voters who were recently bereaved parents. Jesus. It's a real doozy, huh?

Mike · Unknown:I wish the intruder would just kill me. Well, if the intruder kills you, Mike, then who's gonna announce your death?

Mike:I think I'm a fraud. I'm not good at my job. The story about the emperor and the new clothes. I'm the emperor. No, I'm the clothes. I'm the guy who will fuck this government.

Mike:Mike's suggestion to offer Selina a 'cool tile game' on the iPad he's set up for her

Mike:'I didn't hear any of this because the acoustics are so bad.' — Mike's immediate adoption of plausible deniability

Mike:Wendy and I are adopting a baby from China... Actually, Wendy was keeping it a secret from me until today because I'm so bad with keeping secrets. But I'm gonna be a dad.

Ben · Amy · Mike:And every day you have to do the one thing O'Brien can't do. / Yeah, drive sober. / Take a shit without getting a hernia.

Mike:The agency says she's either 16 months or three years old.

Kent · Mike:Kent: I am just over 12,000 steps today. / Mike: I'm at 3,000. Did you run to work today? / Kent: No, the job keeps me active.

Selina · Ben · Mike:Why don't we appoint an economy czar for a start? / Like an empty cop car they park on the side of the road to slow speeders. / Those cars are empty?

Mike:And... (POPS MOUTH) caught you. 18,000 steps. I am Chinese baby ready.

Kent · Mike:So how many flights, Mike? / What do you mean flights? / As in flights of stairs. Burns way more calories. I am at 22 flights today.

Mike:Regrettably, he was also responsible for the chaos that occurred at the symposium on race today.

Mike:Regrettably, he was also responsible for the chaos that occurred at the symposium on race today.

Mike · Selina:Mike reveals baby will be named Ellen after 'Wendy's mom. Actually, her stepmom. She has a difficult relation...' — then cuts off mid-sentence.

Mike · Selina:It's a veritable who's who of Wall Street. / Well, that sounds a lot sexier than my thing. Tell Tom that I get dibs on that.

Selina · Mike:Do you still take shits? / Not exactly take.

Mike:They opened wide and slurped it down, ma'am.

Mike:Uh, he... he's a Charlie Baird.

Mike:Mike using the presidential code name 'Sparrow' to escort Selina into a restaurant as if it were a security operation

Mike:Mike's press briefing deflection: the Meyer Postal Commission reduced post office debt 'from 65 billion to just over 62 billion'

Mike:Mike using the POTUS reservation system under his own name to score a great table at a hot restaurant: 'When I call, I get an amazing table.'

Mike · Marjorie · Selina:Mike trying to physically stop Selina from tweeting by calling through the door — while Marjorie blocks him

Mike:Hi, ma'am. If you hear this, do not tweet.

Selina · Mike:'I pushed that feather button.' / 'I know, you tweet — that's a tweet.' — the 'feather button' as Selina's understanding of the tweet icon

Selina · Mike:'So is that what I think happened? That China tweeted this?' / 'Oh, no, ma'am, no. You have no idea what happened.'

Mike · Selina · Ben · Others:Why don't you just tell the truth? / I don't sound like that. / That's exactly how you sound. / No, I don't. / Spot-on. / Yeah, it's pretty close.

Mike · Wendy · Restaurant hostess:The McLintock party has already been seated. / No, no, that's impossible 'cause he's Mike McLintock. / Show her your driver's license. / I can't find it. / Again?

Furlong · Mike:'Jesus, you think I married that?' / 'That's Will's wife.' — Furlong on seeing Will's wife at the table

Mike:After today's stunning turn of events in Nevada, the president has asked Bob Bradley, the Eagle, to return to Washington as her new cybersecurity czar, effective immediately.

Mike:The sanctions cause China to ban all foreign adoptions by American citizens — 'a bunch of other stuff'

Mike:'Mike! Mike!' / 'Will the president move forward with her sanctions?' / 'I don't know.' / 'I have to call my wife.'

Mike:Wendy and I have been meeting with surrogates. She is so excited about my sperm being in another woman. It's weird.

Mike · Wendy:No, we're not hiring that woman. / It was just a cold sore, honey. / I don't want to pay 40 grand for a herpes baby.

Debralee · Mike · Mike:Are y'all Christians? / Yes... yes. / I mean, a lot of people think that I'm Jewish, but that... no.

Debralee · Mike · Wendy · Mike · Wendy:What church y'all go to? / Our Lady... / Of the Holy Womb... / ...of the Holy Womb. / ...Womb of Jesus. / It's a small congregation, but it's fierce. / It's holy.

Selina · Mike:Okay, so now what I need is a quiet place to think that doesn't have Mike's stupid face in it. / I can turn around, ma'am.

Mike:Damn it. Apparently our born-again surrogate is super against DNR, so when POTUS pulled the plug on MOTUS, she started having second thoughts.

Kent · Mike:Did you explain to her that there is no scientific evidence of a higher power? / How long has this yogurt been in here?

Selina · Mike:Andrew. / Can anybody get in on this Brazil thing? / I got a baby to pay for.

Mike:No, Wendy's pissed. I left her at home with her folks and my folks plus her kids. Shit, I don't even know who's at my house. I don't even know if they're in town. I hate to admit it, but sometimes I'm scared of Wendy. She still has a great rack, though.

Mike's wife Wendy · Mike:Listen, baby, I have some giblets simmering and five really hungry people, so I'm gonna need you to be really quick. / No problem. Fastest gun in DC.

Mike · wife:Do you smell something? No, nothing. Just the whiff of romance.

Mike · press secretary:Oh, hey, is it possible to get salmonella if you were to make love in a turkey's bed? / I'm sorry? / I should add the turkeys were no longer there.

Mike:'Oh, hey, is it possible to get salmonella if you were to make love in a turkey's bed? I should add the turkeys were no longer there.'

Mike · Unknown Advisor:It is possible some banks may require massive capital infusions. / That's the literal definition of bailing something out.

Mike · Dan:Hey, Dan. You want to go to lunch later at Hansong Korean Barbecue? / Come on, I've got a Groupon, expires Monday. / 50 bucks for $100 worth of food. / It's in Annandale, Mike. No one from DC goes to fucking Annandale.

Mike · Dan:Hey, how about an $80 in-home massage for 40 bucks? / With release? / No. / Then what's the point?

Mike:Jesus, Dan, you wouldn't know the smart move if it bent you over and fucked you with a Coke bottle.

Mike:Is this about the coffee pods I took from the kitchen? / We had a brunch and I took them.

Mike · Amy:Okay, I'm sorry. I can't do this. She put me in charge of this whole stupid investigation and it was me. I called her a cunt. / You did? / I thought everyone knew it was me. / I was in the Senate building with Dan and I'm sure someone overheard me. / I shouted it into my phone on the Acela Quiet Car.

Mike · Sue · Unknown Staffer:Guys, you want to go out later for some Hansong Korean Barbecue? / Korean barbecue is a travesty and a far cry from authentic. / I'm his plus one.

Selina · Mike:Good evening. It is me again. / Um, yeah, so I was just talking to Mike and I definitely want to bail out Wheelright.

Amy · Mike:Mike! You fucking jagoff. / Is this about the coffee pods? I swear I was gonna put... / No, you told the president to bail out Charlie's bank.

Mike · Amy:No, I didn't say anything about banks. / I was talking to her about how Wendy paid off my student loans and how I love her for it. / You still have student loans? How old are you? / I'm not good with money.

Reporter · Mike:Can you confirm the allegation of the firing of three people from the comms office is tied to See-you-next-Tuesday-gate? / That sort of coarse language is far beneath the dignity of this room. / And also it's not a gate.

Mike · Ben:Ben, this is real. The whole room was sniffing around Cuntgate. / It's not a gate, Mike. / No kidding! It isn't a gate. I agree. I said that. / She's becoming seriously unhinged. / She has gone full metal Nixon.

Mike · Restaurant Worker:Hi, called ahead for $100 worth of food to go. Under McLintock. / And I'll be using a Groupon. / We don't take Groupon. / You have to take Groupon. / I already paid money for this Groupon, sir. / No Groupon. Total is $184.12. / Whoa, I told the guy on the phone $100 worth of food. Where's this $89 coming from? / That's your problem, sir.

Mike:Shit! Oh, my God. Oh, my God. / No, no, no, no.

Mike:Jim, if our nation's enemies decide to drop the puck on hostilities, then our navy and our allies will be very glad we have the military capabilities we need.

Mike:Oh, I just heard the buzzer. That is the end of the third period. See you at the next face-off.

Mike:Catherine's 23 years old. She's fair game. Maybe you ride the pine on this one for a period or two.

Selina · Mike:Mike, are you dating a hockey player by any chance? You noticed the hockey references? Shit, I thought they were seamless.

Mike:Listen, you can't say a word, but our surrogate is pregnant and I've been talking to somebody in the NHL about a job as director of communications. So win or lose, I'm out of here.

Mike · Ben:Yeah, he wouldn't return my calls after POTUS fired him. Oh, come on. It's been a long time. Go talk to him.

Mike · Jim Owens:You got the hockey job. Perfect. Where are you headed? I'm going to CL International Time. That sounds great. Mmm, big.

Mike:After the national elections, the president may have found herself with a bad lie in the rough, but after stabilizing the economy, the House vote is starting to look like a gimme putt. And mark my words, the president will end up atop the leaderboard just like Inbee Park or Lydia Ko or any of the other great female golfers in the LPGA Tour.

Mike:Hey. Hi. I love my job. Oh, my God, I want to do it forever.

Mike · staffer:I was just checking to see if there was another meeting about me. / Not today. / Okay.

Mike · Selina/interviewer:Ma'am, here are the talking points for this afternoon. / Oh, no. Sorry. Wrong ones. I'll be back. / See you at poker on Wednesday.

Mike:Mike stakes his reputation that Selina Meyer will 'never be vice president ever, ever again' — immediately before she becomes vice president again

Mike:Mike's non-answer about Russia: 'The chances of this happening in Russia, nyet.'

Kent · Ellen · Mike:Mike introducing his surrogate, twins, and three-year-old: 'Mike, she has the head circumference of a six-year-old.' / 'I'm six.'

Mike · Selina:Mike: 'Uh, well, we gave America everything we had.' / Selina: 'Yeah, sure did.' / Mike: 'Inspiring words, ma'am. Godspeed.'

Mike · Selina · Wendy:Wendy demands Selina pay Mike for diary access; Selina: 'What? Okay, fine. I don't give a shit.' / Mike: 'I thought I'd never work again.' / Selina: 'Me, too!'

Mike · Ellen (Mike's daughter) · Selina Meyer · Gary:Mike can't find his daughter Ellen — 'I'm here, Mike! I'm going to hide again!' / How the fuck long was that kid here for? / I think just since today, but I can't be sure.

Mike:Maybe we can win an election for a change. / That came out wrong. / Yeah, way wrong, right?

Mike:Nobody speaks English here, everything was really confusing to me, and I was chased by children. And I think I may have voted.

Mike · Kent:That sounds bad. Look, please, can you help me get it off? / Unless you want the entire thumb removed with a utility blade, I suggest you find another person.

Mike:Hi, what do you have that's like SpaghettiOs?

Mike · Gary:I accidentally voted and now my thumb is green. / The same thing happened to me! Oh, my God!

Mike:Mine smelled like paprika.

Mike:I can't afford to lose this job, Gary, but I can't afford to keep it either. I mean, it's so expensive to commute from DC. And I haven't been paid yet.

Gary · Selina · Mike:Please hold. It was an accident. / Mike voted, too, Mike voted, too. / What?! / I can't believe you! / Stop it. / You two ding-dongs look like you fingered the Incredible Hulk.

Selina · Mike · Gary:...seized by military elements loyal to Oleg Petradze. / Wait a minute, is that our guide? / I think that's the guy I voted for.

Mike:If it was any more Kennedy-esque, it would drive you into the ocean

Mike:there is absolutely no validity to the rumor that the president is being considered for the seat

Mike:I just habitually deny everything these days. It gets me in trouble with Wendy, too

Mike:The other day, I flushed a comb down the toilet

Mike · Selina:as a female, do you feel that... - Pass!

Selina · Mike · Selina:What time? / Memoir time. / Oh, God.

Mike:CNN just came out with their speculative list of nominees for the open Supreme Court seat... and they have you as a long shot's long shot

Mike:Both of them went to town on me. It was brutal. I cried so hard, I threw up, but it was the best thing I've ever done.

Mike:Huh, that's actually right when I started working with you.

Mike:In 10 years, we'll be taking vacations together.

Mike:Pay me! Pay me, bitch!

Mike:Why do shoes cost so much money?! I wish I had peed first. Why do I always wait so long to pee? I'm a grown man! I shouldn't eat when I'm full!

Mike:I shouldn't eat when I'm full!

Selina · Mike:And why don't you have your phone right now? / I don't have international data, ma'am. / Mike! Please!

Mike:Damn it, I'm roaming. I can't afford to roam! / How do you take the battery out? / That doesn't come out.

Mike:Back in America, people are always telling me to go back to Africa. I'm actually glad I did, 'cause it's magical out here.

Mike · Selina:You know, when I talk, I can hear my skin crunch. — Oh... Lord. — Makes me wanna eat cereal.

Selina · Mike:See, Mike? That is good writing. Why can't you write like that?

Amy · Selina · Mike:We're fucked. — I don't even remember any of that. — Some things are so dull, you have to block them out.

Mike:All due respect, ma'am, we all knew you were, uh... ...with Kent.

Selina · Mike · Amy:I slept with Tom James! — Whoa! — No! — In the white-hot White House.

Selina · Mike · Amy:On a couch. — Ma'am, we have a best-seller! — I mean, it was the Green Room, but. — What? How do you know that? — You... you said it was at the Congressional Ball.

Selina · Gary · Mike:Oh, my God, why did I have to fuck the last remaining gentleman in Washington? — God! — Who said that? Was that Dolley Madison? — It was James Madison.

Selina · Mike · Amy:Okay, Mike, get up. — So, how'd it go? — Well, he just begged me not to put it in. — So, none of it goes in the book? — No, it all goes in.

Selina · Mike:No, see, you gotta find a different word than 'screwed.' It's just hard to come up with so many different ways to curse.

Selina · Mike:'Vanity Fair?' Mike, how did we not know about this? — They called me a couple months ago and I thought they were trying to get me to renew my prescription.

Selina · Mike:I can't believe I said that steaming turd of a book was a refreshing take on Wall Street aimed at your conscience and your funny bone. — Hey, you used my blurb! — Oh, quiet up, Mike.

Selina · Gary · Mike:Yeah, that cow put the chair in the painting. — What chair? — The fucking chair in that painting is the chair that she made love to Andrew on. — I slept in that chair.

Selina · Gary · Mike:Yeah, that cow put the chair in the painting. — What chair? — The fucking chair in that painting is the chair that she made love to Andrew on. — I slept in that chair.

Mike · Selina:I got this really cheap flight. Had, like, four layovers. / I'm really sorry I asked that question.

Mike:I really got here three hours early because we had to make an emergency landing in Birmingham because some guy took a poo on the beverage cart. / And, no, it wasn't me.

Mike · Amy:Well, after I ate, I went right to the bathroom because things started loosening up, you know. Whenever I drink coffee, usually... / I do not need details!

Mike · Amy:Ha ha! Bingo! Got it. My jacket. / And? / And what? / Oh, no diary. Fuck! / Mike, I am going to choke you to death with your urine-soaked jacket.

Mike:It's not urine, okay? It's probably just water from the urinal.

Mike · Amy:Look, I lost my belt, okay? When I went through security at Dulles, I left it at security. / Maybe the diary's there. / Okay, now we're going to Dulles.

Amy · Mike · Amy · Mike · Amy:Do you know how expensive it is to freeze your eggs? / That's why you should adopt, Amy. / I'm not adopting. / The other day, Ellen was in her closet, eating cello bow rosin... / I really don't care, Mike.

Amy · Mike:Wait, this is Leon West's diary. / What? / Oh, my God, it is. / So, where's yours?

Mike · Amy:Wait, this is Leon West's diary. — What? — Oh, my God, it is. — So, where's yours?

Mike · Leon West:So, I just told the senator that that is a non-denial denial like in 'All the President's Men.' It's uh... sorry... it's got Robert Redford. / Nope, not taking that one. / All right, cool. I'll see you at lunch or around the office. / [awkward pause] / Fuck.

Mike:I should've gotten a diary with a little lock on it, but I didn't wanna lock myself out.

Selina Meyer · Amy · Mike:How long have you known about this? — Since Alabama. — But to be fair, we thought we were on top of it. — Oh, really? Well, now it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out, and it's making sweet love to your face!

Mike:Actually, I did write a zinger for 'The Tonight Show' about Ray. 'In sleeping with my trainer, I think you could say I did not exercise good judgment.'

Amy · Selina Meyer · Mike:It's got the soldier whose leg you lost. — Oh, my God, the lost leg. Ooh! — Surrounded by Mike's poorly drawn doodles of legs. — I'm sorry, Mike. — It looks like arms. — I'm better at arms. You should see the page where I wrote about the arms dealer.

Mike:We were telling so many lies, I had to write them down to keep them straight. — Any decent lawyer would've told me to do that.

Amy · Selina Meyer · Mike:They know that you 100% knew about the mining of those dead kids' social security and medical data. — No. — Well, I can't do the show. — I don't have a zinger for that one.

Mike · Kent/Ben:I was a patsy, but to my knowledge, this is just the tip of the iceberg. These revelations will continue to come out in a steady drip, drip, drip... — Balls. — ...like the leaky prison faucet I was forced to drink from.

Mike · Dan/Ben:I wouldn't mind a little time in prison, get away from my wife, spend time with guys who get it. — Yeah, learn a trade.

Mike · Dan:What's next for the great Dan Egan? — Any job leads? — I thought about teaching high school, but, I mean, girls these days just can't keep a secret.

Richard · Mike:This is the best day we've had since I started working for you. — I guess it was actually good I lost the diary.

Mike:Well, ma'am, a buddy of mine works at the 'Post' snack shop. He says Leon's on the outs. The editors think he's lost all sense of objectivity, and he's eating Luna bars for women.

Selina · Mike:See, that wouldn't have happened if I paid you more. More? You never... Now, ma'am, there is a problem.

Mike:But he's Italian, so he knows how to keep bodies buried.

Mike:Well, the Voting Rights Act was in 1965.

Mike · Selina:Selina, we are fucked two ways which till Tuesday. What are you talking about? We've completely spent all of our TV money. Well, who's in charge of that? Technically, I am, but when you buy these ads...

Dan · Mike · Selina:The band is getting back together again! Who cc'd Mike? I get it, I'm Ringo. No, Amy's Ringo. You're Mark David Chapman's bullet.

Mike:Mike McLintock identifying himself as 'BuzzFeed magazine — print edition'

Dan · Mike:Dan: 'I'm not her brother, and I never was. Except for that one year.'

Dan · Mike:Mike's email is Mike29748@aol.com. When called out, he clarifies: 'It's Mike53729. — Still @aol though, right? — Until I die.'

Mike · Wendy:Well, ever since I got it, they stopped calling me 'Old Guy.' Now I'm 'Hat Guy.' / It's 'Fat Guy.' / Hey, Mike, have you given any thought to that thing that we talked about?

Mike:Somehow they got the idea I'm a good writer. And I'm not!

Mike:I didn't use to be Hat Guy?

Selina · Mike:Perhaps that kind of thing plays well in 'Nevahda' -- / Nevada.

Selina · Mike:Wow, Mike, you said an actual thing. How the fuck did that happen? It's like 'Flowers for Algernon.' / I understand that reference now. It's a book.

Mike:Thank you! 'I've had enough, Andrew! Mike McLintock has had enough!'

Lizzie · Selina · Mike:Fat Guy's phone. / Selina: Mike, what the backstabbing fuck?! / Dude, your mom's on the phone. She sounds pissed.

Mike · Gang-Hua Li:Remembering things and reporting them back to people is not my strong suit, but I could write it down. / Please don't write it down.

Selina · Mike:Where are you registered? Child Protective Services? / No, Gymboree.

Mike:Today I have a BuzzFeed exclusive. We are getting the first national interview with Lurlene, Iowa's dog mayor, who it turns out is not a dog, but a human.

Richard · Mike:Oh, good question. / Thank you. It's actually Wendy's.

Richard · Mike:I guess I just did what anybody would do if they were there. / Except the people who were there and didn't do anything.

Mike · Selina:Madam President, would you like to say something to our viewers? / Sure, um, if you haven't voted, please-- / Oh, sorry. I'm getting a call. I apologize, it's Wendy.

CBS Executive · Mike:Mike, we have made a lot of mistakes here at CBS News. / I know, right? / But I think you could be a big part of turning that around.

CBS Executive · Mike:And the horrible wife? / She's horrible! / A lot of that stuff I didn't know I was doing until people pointed it out. / See? Keep that sense of humor.

Mike · Selina:Yes. Well, this is the compound belonging to Hamza Al Bashir. Now, hold on. What is that right on over there, ma'am? Is that an elephant or something? / Yes. Yeah, I believe it is. Apparently, Al Bashir had some sort of a private zoo, and that's actually how we were able to locate him. / Mike: And boom! Wow! There goes the elephant.

Mike · Richard:You came to the convention as Governor Richard Splett of Iowa, but after your electrifying speech just two nights ago, party insiders are calling you Richard Splett, 'future of the party.'

Mike:The flash-forward cold open — Mike announcing Selina's funeral, noting she 'permanently overturned same-sex marriage' and her age was '76 or possibly 77 or, according to some sources, 75.'

Mike:...Meyer is fondly remembered for briefly freeing what was once known as the nation of Tibet, as well as for permanently overturning same-sex marriage.

Mike:Among the dignitaries personally selected by Selina Meyer to sit in the front row are many former rivals in a Meyer-esque gesture of grace and goodwill.

Mike:The Presidential motorcade has arrived, and here comes President of the United States Richard Splett and the First Lady, Annette Splett, somber but elegant, basking in the glow of a landslide re-election following President Splett's historic three-state solution Middle East peace agreement, for which he won the Nobel Prize.

Mike · Unknown:And it looks like the soldiers are having a little trouble. They're fumbling around the crypt, but they cannot seem to get it to respond in any way. / Typical. / But now, they've got it. And there she goes, sliding right in there.

Mike · Unknown:And it looks like the soldiers are having a little trouble. They're fumbling around the crypt, but they cannot seem to get it to respond in any way. / Typical.

Mike:But first, as someone who served with President Meyer for over two decades, I feel I'd be remiss if I did not offer my own heartfelt eulogy to a president who many feel was very underrated and deserved... / I'm sorry. Breaking news. I've just been told that four-time Academy Award-winning actor Tom Hanks has died at the age of 88...