Fresh off successful campaign appearances for midterm elections, Selina sees an opportunity to expand her role, but must first curry favor with Kent Davison, the president's icy senior strategist. Meanwhile, there are new developments in the staff's personal lives.
Season premiere reboots Selina's chaos at 1.6 jokes per minute, sustaining 83-point momentum.
Directed by Chris Morris · Written by Will Smith
WAR
173.4
Wins Above Replacement
“Midterms” ranks #21 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 94.2 — Elite. The episode packs 120 scored jokes at 3.4 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.4 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Selina: So when it hits 2:00 A.M., my eyes will say Holocaust, my mouth will say Carnival.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Sue: Marion, listen very closely. You have as much chance of getting the vice president on your show as you have of getting your husband to leave that cheerleader.
Sue Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: I want an expanded role in deficit reduction talks. I want a Cartier fucking dildo.
Selina Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Furlong: you're gonna have to be prepared to be gay for the stay 'cause you're going down. Chin up, buddy. You'll be fine. Mouth open.
Furlong Cringe/Discomfort Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Kent · Selina: You do know that I am not running for office right now? I am, in fact, the vice president. I wouldn't dispute your title. I might question your role.
Kent Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 120 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Furlong: There is no 'I' in freedom. Freedom is not 'medom.' It's 'wedom.'
Furlong: I fluffed 'em, now go fuck 'em.
Furlong Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina: It's like a happy Nuremberg.
Selina Dark/Subversive Observational Staffer: Where'd the Red Sea go? That lady just parted it.
Staffer Observational Character Comedy Ben: Great, so much for the retired mobster vote.
Ben Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive Ben: Florida... ought to break it off at Jacksonville and row it to Cuba.
Ben Dark/Subversive Absurdist Ben: Are you getting ready to dump a bucket of pig's blood on my head?
Ben Dark/Subversive Misdirection Selina · Dale (on phone): Dale, I'm so sorry. What are we gonna do without you in the Senate? ... Yeah, you lost, Dale. Oh, my God. And, actually, I was told that you'd been told.
Selina: I want an expanded role in deficit reduction talks. I want a Cartier fucking dildo.
Selina Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina · Amy: Amy, I'm so sorry. Is he speaking? Well, he told my mom he felt worse that time he ate gay Jap raw fish shit. Oh, Amy, that's a great sign, because that's a very complex sentence.
Selina Amy Dark/Subversive Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Selina: Unless he's slurring his words.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive Callback Amy · Selina: So you got what I said before? Yes, Cartier dildo.
Amy Selina Callback Deadpan/Understatement Callback Amy: I was thinking about my dad, but I am not now.
Amy Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Sue: Dana, Dana, Dana, Dana.
Sue Character Comedy Running Gag Selina: So when it hits 2:00 A.M., my eyes will say Holocaust, my mouth will say Carnival.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: Or why this fucking Internet is sketchier than our economic forecasts?
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Observational Jonah: Oh, that's 'cause your laptop is still running on Windows 2000 and shit.
Jonah Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Jonah: Tonight there's gonna be a plane crash shunting a train wreck onto a crowded highway.
Jonah Escalation Dark/Subversive Jonah · Mike: Why, you got money problems? Not money problems, money challenges.
Dan · Selina: Want to bet how long it takes Chung to mention his war record? No. 100 bucks says he drops it in the first five seconds.
Danny Chung (on TV) · Selina: And I intend to serve you the way I served the American people overseas when they needed me. [immediately] Oh, ker-chung, ker-ching. Pay up.
Jonah: Hey, we are ahead on voter turnout in Lake County, Indiana. J-dog out.
Jonah Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: I was saying exactly that.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Callback Ben: Yeah, that'll take the edge off this cornhole.
Ben Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive Mike: Is this it? Nope, it's a rape alarm. Like she's ever gonna need that. I mean, she's not ugly, but she's got a lot of security.
Mike Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Mike: I have a cracked keel, I have to dry-dock it. There's a bilge, which I don't even know where the fuck...
Mike Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Selina · Gary · Mike: Okay, hmm, what is the solution to your problem, Gary? Oh, use another lipstick. Wow, that was easy. What is the solution to my problem? I sell a kidney?
Ben: You know what I'd like? I'd like to be cryogenically suspended. Yeah, and then be woken up in the future? No, never wake up. Just stay suspended.
Ben Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina · Ben: Are you drunk? No, I'm just depressed.
Selina Ben Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Selina: He made us go river rafting together. Catherine got giardia. And I had to listen to Andrew bang that skank on the riverbank all night.
Selina Escalation Dark/Subversive Selina · Ben: I said to Kent, 'Can you make me feel good about this somehow?' And you know what he does? He points to a graph.
Selina Ben Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Selina · Ben: He is cold. Yeah, he's got ice in his semen.
Ben: He's already squirreled away in an air vent somewhere with his fucking statistics.
Ben Character Comedy Visual Gag Ben: You know that portrait with the guy who looks like a fat Wolverine? It's just one door on the left from there.
Ben Visual Gag Character Comedy Ben: My good friend POTUS, my Gamma Chi brother, is gonna summon me to his office and he's gonna show me a sword and he's gonna tell me to take the sword and slide it down my throat until it comes out my ass.
Ben Dark/Subversive Escalation Selina: Ben, one day we are gonna laugh about this.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Deadpan/Understatement Sue: although the vice president appreciates your offer of stale pastries and pleasant conversation, she will not be doing the morning shows tomorrow.
Sue Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Mike · Reporter · Sue: Is that a crack about my boat? Really funny. Put your boat on eBay. Can you put a sinking ship on eBay? You can put anything on there.
Dan: Isn't that the catchphrase of the world's creepiest babysitter?
Dan Observational Character Comedy Reporter: Kent Davison? The Pol Pot of pie charts.
Reporter Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Dan: Wow, that guy is ruthless. A total inspiration.
Dan Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Furlong: Wipe that thing off before you hand it to me.
Furlong Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Furlong: Hey there, pretty boy. You know what they call guys like you in prison? Sweetmeat.
Furlong Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Furlong: Nobody plans on going to prison, dipshit. That's just the way it works out sometimes.
Furlong Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Furlong: you're gonna have to be prepared to be gay for the stay 'cause you're going down. Chin up, buddy. You'll be fine. Mouth open.
Furlong Cringe/Discomfort Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: Fat Wolverine. [title card/reaction beat as Selina walks past the portrait]
Selina Callback Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Oh, Kent. Look at you, you're all back. I see they took out the sink and the toilet. Made it a little roomier for you.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Kent · Selina: Am I supposed to ask a question now? Oh, sure. If you want. Fire away. And what would that question be? Well, that question might be what do you think is the best reposition to take? And what would the answer to that question be? And the answer would be standing right in front of you.
Kent Selina Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina · Kent: I don't think I was actually very clear before. / No.
Selina Kent Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat Character Comedy Selina: My uncle used to have this saying. He used to say to me, 'Honey, if you're not at the table, you're probably on the menu.' And, Kent, I will not be eaten.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Kent: Why would anyone want to eat you?
Kent Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Kent · Selina: You do know that I am not running for office right now? I am, in fact, the vice president. I wouldn't dispute your title. I might question your role.
Kent Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina · Kent: It would be great if you would stand up when the vice president enters a room. Oh, Lord, all right. Oh, Lord. There you go. Oh, at ease, Kent.
Kent: Yeah, it's the only thing I'd save if this building were on fire.
Kent Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: Everyone, POTUS has gone to bed. So let's make sure we make his dreams come true tonight by fighting until that last bullet.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Ben: Why don't you take the first bullet and put it through your brain?
Ben Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Callback Selina · Kent: I'm gonna have more of a role in this administration. Well, I just crunched the numbers. I know. You're the numbers cruncher. And right now they taste pretty bland to me. Well, salt and pepper 'em.
Sue: Marion, listen very closely. You have as much chance of getting the vice president on your show as you have of getting your husband to leave that cheerleader.
Sue Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Gary: Hey, dumpling. It's Gary. I'm sorry I missed you. It's just I can't find her lipstick and I thought maybe it fell out of the Leviathan at home.
Gary Character Comedy Running Gag Callback Mike: You can't reason with him. It'd be like explaining Supertramp to a Komodo dragon.
Mike Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: I don't know what those words mean.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Callback Selina · Dan: I have a very strong feeling that Kent is gonna get in between me and POTUS, like some sort of thick rubber condom, and I have got to have... Unprotected. Unprotected access to the Oval Office.
Selina Dan Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Selina: You have to go and see your dad. This is the midterms. Amy, it's the fucking midterms. Go.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Ben: Okay, everybody, it's official. We have lost... We have just lost the House. So put everything on the wagons and shoot the dogs because we have just lost the fucking House.
Ben Dark/Subversive Absurdist Unknown Staffer: [What he just said. Yes!] — someone enthusiastically endorsing losing the House
Selina: I'm gonna go pee pee and then we're gonna neutralize Kent.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Ben: Hey, Mike. Give me a hug. Uncle Ben's on his way out.
Ben Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Ben · Mike: What is that, Ralph Lauren? For men. Well, that's a good scent.
Ben Mike Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Furlong: Hey, Brokeback Egan.
Furlong Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Callback Furlong: Screw you and the face you rode in on, Dan.
Furlong Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dan: Couldn't have put that better myself, sir.
Dan Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Furlong · Will: Are you eating my pizza? No, sir, you... because you said that... No, I said don't wave it in my face. I didn't say eat it. It's still good. Eat it! Eat it all right now!
Furlong Will Cringe/Discomfort Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Amy · Amy's Sister (Sophie) · Amy's Mother: Got here as soon as I could. Just really glad you could fit your father into your busy schedule. She means hi, honey.
Amy · Sophie: You said Dad was dying. Well, I'm so sorry to disappoint you, Amy.
Sophie: Oh, my God. Amy. You work for the vice president. It's not like it's Google.
Sophie Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: My pee pee is done. Let's go crack Kent.
Selina Character Comedy Callback Callback Selina: Oh, God. It's fucking Big Bird.
Selina Character Comedy Visual Gag Jonah · Jonah's Stats Team: You're great news. You even aced POTUS. You're like Neo. What's a Neo? He's from 'The Matrix.' Everything he does is awesome. The first movie. The sequels sucked. Guys, we agreed to let 'The Matrix' debate lie.
Selina: Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Dan: Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.
Dan Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Jonah · Dan · Jonah: So what format do you want this in? Excel? Pie charts? Just, like, in English. Is that a racist joke? Yeah.
Gary: Listen, Amy. Something has happened to the vice president. I know your dad is dying and I'm really, really sorry, Amy, but I think Dana took Selina's lipstick.
Gary Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Sophie · Amy: Hope your boss at CVS is okay with you taking time off. Always with the last word. That's why you're single. Guys hate that. You have three kids by two different guys. Maybe your last word should have been no.
Sophie Amy Cringe/Discomfort Escalation ★ Rewatch Selina · Kent: Kent. Where's the president? Asleep. Well, should you be in here? People need to think he's in here leading. But he's not. He is, according to the rumor I put out.
Kent: Come on, you are the vice president. By definition, you should be at half the height of the president.
Kent Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina: Mm-hmm. You want to see where you are? Hi, Kent. How's it going? Thank you so much for bringing us the memo on aggregates. Now why don't you just go and fuck yourself in your own asshole?
Selina Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Selina · Kent: Selina throws the lipstick at Kent and hits him in the eye
Selina Kent Physical/Slapstick Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Fuck that lipstick!
Selina Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Kent. Oh, I'm so sorry about before. Although, God, you made a funny noise. I wish I could get that as my ringtone.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Kent: Just been with the president. He's asked me to stay on. My eye hurts.
Kent Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Ben · Dan: What's that shit all over the carpet? Oh, shit. Ooh. If you have some white wine vinegar, that'll get it right out.
Kent · Dan · Dan: What's that shit all over the carpet? / Oh, shit. / If you have some white wine vinegar, that'll get it right out.
Kent Dan Dan Character Comedy Absurdist Cringe/Discomfort Selina: If you have some white wine vinegar, that'll get it right out.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: You take your eyebrows and you get out.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Dan · Selina · Gary: You should not be in here. We need to go. I know. We'll do a little hop. Ready? One, two... there we go.
Dana · Amy: Feel like my lips have touched the veep's. It's quite a thrill. That's a little disrespectful.
Dana Amy Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Dana: Amy, I think we both know that any woman who's met him but didn't get to keep him is gonna see me as the enemy. I'm sorry, but you missed your chance.
Dana Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Kent: So, Kim Jong whatever is swinging his nuclear dick again. The Russians have planted their flag on a Norwegian pile of pelican shit.
Kent Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Kent: Uzbekistan is between Turkmenistan and I-could-give-a-fuck-istan. There's a map on page 376.
Kent Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Kent: POTUS wants you to do the morning shows. You will be the face of our failure.
Kent Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: I can't do that. I'm exhaustipated.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Selina: We lost the battle, but we ain't cattle. Two years' time, bitches!
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: I'm exhaustipated.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Selina: I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Selina: There's a horse coming out of my head.
Selina Visual Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dan: The White House wants to make sure that they are kept out of the veep's incident, so we want the lipstick throwing to have taken place here and not at the Oval Office.
Dan Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Callback Selina: Much like when Bigfoot got your mom pregnant, resulting in you.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Selina: Not at all. I wouldn't say it's all bad news. Frank, no, I wouldn't say it was a shellacking. It's not a disaster. I mean, not for m-m... not for me... mean... excuse me.
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina · Gary: I'm about to enter a national ass-kicking contest with no legs and a massive ass. It's not that big, ma'am. What? I think your ass is perfect.
Selina Gary Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Gary · Dan: Want to play midterm cliché bingo? First phrase she uses. I already got 'wake-up call.'
Gary Dan Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy Selina: It's not a disaster. I mean, not for m-m... not for me... mean... excuse me.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Selina: The American people have said this is a wake-up call.
Selina Callback Running Gag Callback Selina · Gary: Oh, my God, I look so old. No. What is that reaction?
Selina · Gary: Oh, my God, I look so old. No. What is that reaction?
Selina · Gary: Oh, my God, I look so old. / No. / What is that reaction?
Selina Gary Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Reaction Beat Gary · Selina: Smile with your eyes if you can. Yep. And your nose if you can. With my nose? How do you do that?
Gary · Selina: Smile with your eyes if you can. / Yep. / And your nose if you can. / With my nose? How do you do that?
Gary Selina Character Comedy Absurdist Cringe/Discomfort Gary: Remember to thank somebody, okay? Not God. Don't make it religious. But thank, like, farmers. They love that shit.
Gary Character Comedy Observational Selina · Gary/Dan: Pulal... yeah, look at that. Plurality. Yeah. It's not good, you know what I mean? It's kind of a fish face.
Selina: Well, we are the United States of America because we are united and we are states and we are of America.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm