Ben Cafferty

Ben:Great, so much for the retired mobster vote.

Ben:Florida... ought to break it off at Jacksonville and row it to Cuba.

Ben:Are you getting ready to dump a bucket of pig's blood on my head?

Ben:Yeah, that'll take the edge off this cornhole.

Ben:You know what I'd like? I'd like to be cryogenically suspended. Yeah, and then be woken up in the future? No, never wake up. Just stay suspended.

Selina · Ben:Are you drunk? No, I'm just depressed.

Selina · Ben:I said to Kent, 'Can you make me feel good about this somehow?' And you know what he does? He points to a graph.

Selina · Ben:He is cold. Yeah, he's got ice in his semen.

Ben:He's already squirreled away in an air vent somewhere with his fucking statistics.

Ben:You know that portrait with the guy who looks like a fat Wolverine? It's just one door on the left from there.

Ben:My good friend POTUS, my Gamma Chi brother, is gonna summon me to his office and he's gonna show me a sword and he's gonna tell me to take the sword and slide it down my throat until it comes out my ass.

Ben:Why don't you take the first bullet and put it through your brain?

Ben:Okay, everybody, it's official. We have lost... We have just lost the House. So put everything on the wagons and shoot the dogs because we have just lost the fucking House.

Ben:Hey, Mike. Give me a hug. Uncle Ben's on his way out.

Ben · Mike:What is that, Ralph Lauren? For men. Well, that's a good scent.

Selina · Ben · Dan:What's that shit all over the carpet? Oh, shit. Ooh. If you have some white wine vinegar, that'll get it right out.

Ben:He had a pro-strike hawk boner the size of Jonah.

Ben:There's cultures that don't even have any numbers and they do just fine.

Kent · Ben:I cook these noodles every day... Oh, the noodle analogy. You guys are gonna love this.

Ben:I will leave.

Ben:Why are we talking about noodles? — No, let me rephrase that. Why the fuck are we talking about noodles?

Ben:You just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding? That is fucking pathetic.

Selina · Dan · Ben:Does aggressive trump robust? — Well, it's robustier. — No, robust is like a rock and aggressive is like paper. — Oh, shoot, paper covers rock. I forget about that.

Ben · Selina:They're different words. And saying different words means what? It means we're not on the same... — Diet? — Page.

Ben:Or to Lara Croft here for that matter.

Selina · Ben:Calculated? That sounds so... — Pussy-ass, that's what I was gonna say.

Ben:She fires a gun one time and she thinks she's Rommel in the desert.

Ben:Yeah, I was talking to POTUS last night... He's gonna procrasterbate forever.

Ben:Cock-a-noodle-doo.

Kent · Ben:We can move on the hostages. — Cock-a-noodle-doo.

Soldier · Selina · Ben:The eggs are back in the basket! — Yeah! Eggs-shak-a-laka! — In your fucking face, eggs.

Ben:'If we don't get this done by midnight, we're all gonna turn into ugly sisters and get eaten by wolves or whatever the fuck happens at the end of that story.'

Ben:Ben to Amy, completely casually: 'It's good that you'll have sex soon.'

Ben:Ben arrives with 'number crunchers to help you finish the deal. And one of them is a designated driver because I am going to get fucked up.'

Ben:Ben's party arrival announcement: 'It's time to drop a party bomb up in here!' followed by 'Happy 21st birthday, Catherine!' — immediately followed by proposing to talk about targeted base closings

Ben · Mike:Ben: 'As people say, if it rhymes, it chimes.' / Mike: 'Who says that? No one says that.' / Ben: 'I'm pretty sure I heard someone say that.'

Ben:Ben: 'Oh, great. Here's Eeyore. Deal, boom. Party, boom. You are the boom boom veep.'

Ben:'He's got a cave full of bats in his skull.'

Ben:'One of Gaddafi's sons. They're polling better.'

Ben:'What are you going to do for an encore? Blow the opening day pitch out of your ass?'

Ben:'We are at DEFCON fuck.'

Jonah · Sue · Ben:Jonah: 'Hello there, Susan.' Sue: 'Name's not Susan, it's Sue, Jonad.' Jonah: 'Okay, and my name isn't Jonad!' Sue: 'It's Jonah.' Ben: 'No one here is disrespecting you, Jonad.'

Sue · Ben:Sue's careful double-negative dance: 'The Vice President was not at a brunch with campaign donors.' / Ben: 'I would hope that she was not. Otherwise, I'm not sure if I wouldn't be within my rights not to launch a drone strike right now.' / Sue: 'I got lost in the double negative, sir.'

Ben:Ben: 'Cut your face off and give it to the VP if you have to.'

Selina · Ben:Reporter asks about the run; VP: 'I fully intend to run.' — the room hears it as presidential announcement. Ben: 'Oh, no, that's a fucking wire brush to my hemorrhoids.'

Ben · Jonah:Ben: 'Fix it, or I'll liaise your balls to your desk.' / Jonah: 'Yes, sir. And thank you for your continued...' Ben hangs up.

Ben:Ben: 'I went to a Mexican karaoke restaurant, and I did Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen. I changed the "hallelujah" to "jalapeño."'

Ben:Ben on Jonah: 'You don't get the complexity. You're the world's biggest single-cell organism.'

Ben:Ben on the phone during the race crisis: 'Burn everything incriminating, including this building. Burn all the White House pets and then yourselves. Burn yourselves first.'

Ben · Selina:Are you finishing my sentence or are you telling me that again? / Both.

Ben:He drank the poisoned Kool-Aid from my very big, blue mug.

Selina · Ben:Are you serious? / No, I'm Joan fucking Rivers. Of course I'm serious.

Ben:Because he couldn't stomach the look -- like that, just like that -- of unbridled joy.

Selina · Ben:Ben, I am crying very quietly on the inside. / While in your mind you're doing pirouettes on his grave.

Ben:While in your mind you're doing pirouettes on his grave.

Ben:Well, it's not the job that's depressing. Life is depressing.

Ben:So now our spineless, flip-floppy fuckbag is staying.

Chung · Ben · Ben:So this is Selina's team in action. That explains a lot to me. / Likewise. Yeah, well, they're actually better than my team. My team is just fucking horrible.

Ben:POTUS, he knew the gig was up because Doyle, Furlong, Chung all turned the party against him. I mean, it was just, you know, RIP-OTUS. Just complete sinking shit.

Ben:Because he relied on those two guys. One a burnt-out loser, the other a conniving robot.

Local Official · Ben:In the shape of the great state of Iowa. / If it melted, would it become Texas?

Ben:Gel out of the way, or I'll fucking inhale you.

Ben · Selina:He was a 4'11" stick of dynamite. / A great man inside a small man.

Ben:Stick one of those in Ricky's hand, he would have looked like an average-sized man.

Ben · Selina:Look at us. You pretending to be me signing a book I didn't even write. That's politics in a nutsack.

Ben:It's so full of shit, there's a colon right smack-dab in the middle.

Selina · Ben:Footsteps to the Future... Red, White and You... Yes Hands of Our Children. / What? / It's like a massacre or something.

Ben:I could be your midwife. You know, get my hands dirty?

Ben · Selina:All right, let's go! Let's go meet and grieve. / We'll meet Ericsson, and we'll grieve little Ricky.

Selina · Ben:Yeah, God rest his tiny soul. / I know. You know, I heard that dog picked him up and shook him really bad.

Richard · Selina · Ben:POTUS isn't seeking re-election? / I said don't blurt. You blurted. / You blurted about running. / You're running?

Selina · Ben:Ben, can you not keep a cat in a bag for one fuckin' second? / Now we're gonna have to kill him.

Richard · Selina · Ben:I was all over that book line thing. / Yeah. I tell you what, get the driver to turn the air conditioning on, okay? 'Cause I'm boiling up here. / I can do that! / How do I do that? / Just open the door while we're moving, climb under the car like Indiana Jones, pop up on the hood and write a note on the windshield.

Ben · Selina:Okay, that's Isaac Denisov from Change.org. She hates him. / This way, ma'am. You hate him. / Oh, yeah. That's the first one you've got right today.

Ben:He's the bubonic fuckin' plague of this party.

Cowgill's nephew · Selina · Ben:Madam Vice President? / Yes? / I was Rick's nephew. / Are you kidding me? / This is Cowgill's nephew. / If they tell her who they are, you don't have to say anything.

Staffer · Ben · Selina:He was an avid fisherman. / And he collected beer labels. / What are you gonna do with that?

Ben:I'm never ambiguous, ma'am. Not even sexually.

Ben · Sue:Damn it. The president's gone rogue. / Sue, apologies. We will continue our pleasant chat at a later date. / Abortion calls.

Mike · Selina · Ben:Oh, Jonah knows we opened a campaign office. / He came by my house... Wendy's house. / You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house? / And you didn't shoot him?

Selina · Ben:Jesus. Fucking Kent. / I can't listen to that 'Joan Crawford' bitch about 'Bette Davis' any longer.

Selina · Ben:Is there a 'pro-I don't give a shit' lobby? / Yeah. You're looking at him. / I got posters, buttons... not really, 'cause I don't give a shit.

Ben:If men got pregnant, you could get an abortion at an ATM.

Mike (reading) · Dan · Ben:"Science may give us the map, but we are lost without morality's compass." / Ah. / Jesus, what a talking gas giant. / It's like listening to Jupiter.

Ben:Go home. Take an Ambien. Take 50.

Ben:Ben: 'It's like SNL is going back in time and abusing a child.'

Ben:Ben on seeing Catherine in a matching outfit to Selina: 'You look like you're in one of those body swap comedies.'

Ben:Cute... 'Li'l Selina.' (Mock laughing)

Selina · Ben:Selina: 'I'm fucked, Ben. I'm fucked.' / Ben: 'Well, there's a remedy. It's an ancient technique that's been plied by loveable losers since way back. It's called begging.'

Ben:Ben: 'You gotta go lower than the lowest lowlife. You gotta dig and dig and dig until you get to the point where you wish you were dead. Okay? And that's base camp.'

Ben · Selina:Ben offers Selina unknown pills from his desk: 'What is it?' / 'I don't know, I found them in my desk.'

Ben:20,000 and Selina sits on your lap.

Ben · Kent:I'd ask Mike, but he's too happy now that he's married. / Too happy.

Ben:Take it from me, Dan — in a couple of months on this job, you'll go from those six-pack abs to this keg. / I haven't seen my penis since the first Gulf War, and I kinda miss the little guy.

Ben:Well, seems his unit in Iraq did that to some poor slob with a drill. / But that's, you know, just nutfluff.

Dan · Ben:Yeah, and a couple of whisky chasers? / It's still Tuesday for another six minutes.

Ben:Ben on Thornhill: 'You know that saying, "Anyone can run for president"? Joe Thornhill is the only reason that that's utter bullshit.'

Ben:Ben's fantasy of speaking his mind: 'Mississippi is chock-full of assholes.' / 'I don't trust the Chinese.' / 'I'm not gonna be able to pass a single piece of legislation that's really gonna make any fuck of a difference in your life.'

Ben · Dan:Ben: 'Got my vote.' Dan: 'Yeah, I got your vote.' (on Ben's fantasy platform)

Dan · Amy · Ben:Amy on Dan's sudden niceness to staff: 'You guys remind me of me when I was you. Look at me now.' Ben: 'Nobody says shit like that voluntarily.'

Ben · Mike · Amy:Amy's dinner party: wine spill — Mike does something to cause the spill, then: 'Don't rub it, Mike. I'm making it worse.' Ben: 'I was gonna get a new rug, so... I could take a dump on it, if you need a clincher.'

Kent · Amy · Ben:Kent: 'So, Amy, when are you going to ask us to support you as campaign manager?' Amy: 'I guess I don't have to now.' She proposes a 'work' drinking game. Ben immediately says 'Work.' and drinks.

Amy · Ben:Amy: 'Anyone who talks about work tonight has to take a drink.' Then immediately: 'Work.' Ben takes a drink immediately.

Ben:Ben taunts Mike at dinner: 'Hey, Mike, this salad doesn't have any dressing. Did you bring any extra dressing?' then: 'I hear the next course is gonna be pulled pork... pork that has been pulled.'

Ben:Ben: 'Good luck with that. That can be a tough road. I have a sister who was... well, she didn't have the... it kind of all went wrong within the tubing...' Everyone: 'Stop talking.' Ben: 'Copy that.'

Kent · Amy · Ben:The Jonah/Jeff Kane revelation at Amy's dinner party. Group discovers Jonah's uncle is Jeff Kane (controls New Hampshire senior vote). The political dinner immediately becomes a campaign war room.

Kent · Amy · Ben:Amy kicks everyone out of her dinner party. Kent: 'Please do support Amy as Selina's campaign manager.' Amy: 'Please do. Yay me. Yay me.' Then: 'Anybody wanna get a burger?' Ben: 'Yeah.'

Kent · Amy · Ben:Kent arrives at the bar: 'Hey, kids. Everybody well oiled?' Then announces there 'may be some changes.' Amy: 'She got a campaign manager, didn't she?' Kent: 'Please tell me it's not Dan.' It is Dan. Amy: 'Fuck you, Dan, you minor-league gigolo!'

Kent · Amy · Ben · Gary · Mike:Kent's plan: 'We should throw your expired cum at Jonah's door.' Group chants: 'Let's throw cum! Let's throw cum!' Mike: 'Amy, no, no... that's my DNA!'

Ben · Mike:Ben: 'Sounds pretty good, except for the oysters. Yeah, well, I like them.' / Group plans to throw the specimen at Jonah's door 'like a contract killing.'

Ben · Selina · Mike:Minimum four-second handshake. — Minimum six-second handshake, and I want a toothy smile. — Perfect. Because we've got to prove they both don't hate each other.

Dan · Ben:We need to get her on stage faster. — I don't know. Use a jet pack. / Yes, she's got to get off the stage fast too. — Well, stick her in a cannon.

Selina · Ben · Dan:Ben, can we slap another restraining order on this creepy bellboy? — No problem. — See that? — Or how about a drone strike?

Ben:Oh, God! Oh, God! Do you realize what you've done? You just picked a fight with the jumpiest hundred million people I can possibly think of.

Ben:We've got to blow away this gun issue before we can do anything about a jobs speech.

Ben:Yes, you are going to a 'fucking gun show,' even if I have to put a gun to your fucking head.

Ben · Dan:Jonah had a good idea. We've never planned for that. — Great hand job, pal.

Ben:All right, shut your mouth and then shut the road. And if you don't like my tone, you're really not going to like Guantanamo Bay.

Ben · Selina:Go left on Jefferson. We fixed the traffic lights. We diverted a parade for Polish Americans. We put more cops on the route. — I've seen that part of town. There's nothing down there worth stealing.

Peter Mitchell · Ben · Peter Mitchell:Heroin and Chinese food. / Noodles and needles. / It was actually the solar energy summit in Stockholm.

Ben:That's the one, that's the one. Same vibe.

Amy · Ben · Amy:In related news, Ray's talking. Oh, God. To smart people? He's currently with a woman from the Bank of England. It's like watching a goat trying to use an ATM.

Selina · Ben · Peter Mitchell · Selina:The U.S. doesn't spy on its allies. / We collect data. / Same thing. / Oh, no.

Ben:I'll hold off that long streak of deputy piss while she's in there.

Ben · Peter Mitchell:Oh, you overheard. You speak German? / Yes... ja, as they say in Germany.

Peter Mitchell · Ben:German language exchange: Ben and the Deputy PM confess their German is rusty. The DPM says 'Ich muss wieder zur schule gehen.' Ben nods and says 'absolutely.' Then: 'Good times.' / 'At school?' / 'What? I said I should go back to school.'

Peter Mitchell · Ben:Is the vice president in the Lady Chapel with the German chancellor? / No, I told you before, she's on the phone. / Is that not quite clearly her hat? / That's not her hat. / It's definitely her hat. I'll tell you how I know — I remember thinking 'What a hideous hat.' It is like she stuck her head in a swan and it's exploded.

Peter Mitchell · Ben:Well, du lugst. / Hilarious. / It means 'you're lying.' / I know.

Peter Mitchell · Ben:Okay, so we're all perfectly comfortable standing here pretending that we can't quite clearly see the vice president in the Lady Chapel with the German chancellor finalizing a deal about the TSO? / I wouldn't say 'comfortable.'

Ben:No, it's terrible that the First Lady tried to kill herself, but our carrying on is what she would have wanted — does want.

Ben:Ben as Pierce: 'Well, I'm a baby-faced, know-nothing congressman from 'Shit Stain,' Nevada, who's got the newly dropped balls enough to think that I can run for president.'

Amy · Ben:It could have been anyone. Could have been Ben. / Yeah, I poked everything that moved back then.

Ben:We need to find the 'smoking hon'.' As in 'honey.' That doesn't work. That's not clear.

Ben:If there's any dirty trick that I cannot stand, it is honesty.

Ben:Hey, I got three Fs for ya — you're fucked, you fuckin' fucker.

Maddox · Ben:What we need to do is to find those loopholes and find out... whether-- are they loopholes or are they legitimate holes? What the hell is a legitimate hole? Well, don't get me started.

Furlong · Ben:What the hell is a legitimate hole? / Well, don't get me started.

Ben · Staffer:Remember when we only had five days left? / Those were good times. / Great times.

Selina · Staffer · Ben:GUMMI... Give Us More Money, Idiot. / What happened to HADDA... How About Digging Deeper, Assholes? / I always call them dicks. It doesn't stand for anything.

Reporter · Amy · Ben:Is this your idea of fiscal responsibility? / I'm Amy Brookheimer. / Relax, relax. / A little room, please. / Hypertension kills.

Ben:Take your lithium, jag-offs.

Selina · Mike · Ben · Dan:POTUS is resigning. Selina's president. / Fuck off! / POTUS is gonna resign. Selina's gonna be president. / Oh, shit.

Ben:I feel sick, but it's just in my neck, you know?

Ben · Soup server:Is this... is this soup vegetarian? / I think it's vegan. / Ah, nice. / So maybe one or two types of beans? / I wouldn't know. I don't make the soup. / Oh, maybe three, actually.

Ben:Ben: 'Am I dreaming? Do I have my pants on?'

Ben:Ben: 'Ma'am, I don't wanna piss on your bliss, but...'

Ben:Ben: 'Goodbye, China.' (after learning Selina will acquire nuclear codes)

Selina · Ben:Ben: 'Here, boy. Come to me.' (Selina calling for Ben like a dog)

Ben · Kent:Ben: 'Do you want me to tell you which of those two to fire?' / 'Kent. Just kidding, Kent.'

Ben:Ben reveals he was 'bulimic the whole first year' as Chief of Staff 'and didn't even lose any weight from it.'

Ben:Ben: 'You know, I told you when I was telling you I wasn't telling you what I told you. The fuck stops here, Dan.'

Ben:Ben: 'You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the fucking Lincoln Memorial.'

Selina · Ben · Mike:Selina: 'What man is named Leslie, for fuck's sakes?' Ben/Mike: 'Leslie Nielsen. Leslie Moonves. Leslie Frazier, the coach for the Vikings...'

Ben:Ben: 'Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chung?' (about Air Force One)

Selina · Amy · Ben:Selina: 'Get a local judge to do it.' Amy: 'Wait, isn't that gonna look just a little bit tacky?' Ben: 'That could be really great for us. Play up to New Hampshire's already inflated sense of self-importance.'

Ben · Amy · Selina:Ben/Amy: 'Isn't that gonna look just a little bit tacky? / I don't think about it. / No, no, no. That could be really great for us. Play up to New Hampshire's already inflated sense of self-importance.'

Ben:Ben: 'Iran is officially pissed that you fired Leslie Kerr. Apparently they liked the guy. It must be the beard.'

Ben:Ben: Apparently they liked the guy. It must be the beard.

Ben:Ben: 'So you'd rather piss off blue-collar truck drivers and their chicken-frying wives? Shh. We're surrounded by these people. Keep your voice down.'

Ben:Yeah, we're looking at a big, fat Greek funeral.

Selina · Ben:Yeah, we just got to do a cock-thumb. / What? What did you say? A cock-thumb? / Yeah. / What is that? Tell me, do not show me.

Ben · Selina:Well, we propose a radical cut to the military — cutting off the cock — the Joint Chiefs in turn propose their own more reasonable cut — cutting off the thumb. / Commonly known as negotiating?

Ben:I love my mother, but I had to put her in a home. And it's actually better for her if I don't visit.

Selina · Ben:I feel like I've got a hamster wheel in my head. / Did you ever hear the theory that Reagan hired Hinckley just so he could get two weeks in bed?

Amy · Ben:'Reservoir Dogs,' huh? / Excuse me? / I've never actually seen it, but as I understand, there's a scene where they all walk in a row like this.

Selina · Ben:I'm used to dealing with angry, aggressive, dysfunctional men, i.e., men. / Well, that's what we do best. / That and farting during first Communions.

Ben:Well, that's what we do best. And farting during first Communions.

Selina · Kent · Ben:Yeah, but here I am. I'm thinking it. The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable. / Kent majored in fortune cookies.

Ben:That wasn't a cock-thumb. That was a cock-cock.

Ben:Or mistressly, whichever isn't offensive.

Ben:That's the long and shit of it.

Ben:I detest jazz, but this is impressive.

Ben · Selina:Madam President, I know you kicked me out, but we just droned the wrong guy's truck in Yemen. / Thank you, Ben. / Great. Guess I'll write a report.

Ben · Selina · Kent:It's Ben's birthday. / Happy birthday, Ben. / Wow, that was quick. / We have a cake? / No.

Ben · staffer:Ah, William Henry Harrison. Oh, God, at least somebody... [pause] Noticed this horrible cake?

Ben · Mike:Hey, I hate to ask, but would you mind helping me out? Would you tell the media that Bill Ericsson's taking your job? It would just make it seem more amicable. Would you do that for me? / [Long pause] No.

aide · Ben:She's got a lot on her plate right now, no pun intended. / That her bagman spends like a Babylonian king? Yes, I think so.

aide · Ben:You can tell her. She likes you. / And I plan on keeping it that way, so I'll leave it to you.

aide · Ben:What's Gary doing? Trying to max out America? / Wow, who knew they made lampshades out of unobtanium?

aide · Ben:Did you see the cost of the dinner? This'll sting us, make us look decadent and remote. / Yeah, said the Princeton grad in the Valentino tux.

Ben:Well, imagine Elton John on a day he feels fat.

Ben:I preferred the Internet when it was just AltaVista and that little Star Wars kid.

Ben:Oh, thank you, Question Man. You just saved the entire city. Or did you?

Ben:This is catching fire like a gas station in a Michael Bay movie.

Ben:Bozos, disassemble.

Ben · Dan:You know, there are hordes of young women who roam the halls of the West Wing. 15% of them were hired to be fired. Yeah. We call them the Expendabelles.

Mike · Ben:Sue cannot tell me how to do my job. She just did.

Ben:Fitting that for Easter this story refuses to fucking die.

Ben:So we threw someone off the life raft. Did no one think to tell the sharks?

Ben · Amy · Ben:Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. / We'll explain later. / No, we won't. We'll never explain.

Ben:Yes, Madam President. This is a head-on collision and I'm your biggest air bag.

Ben · Jonah · Richard:So, you want to know if the president told me who she's firing, right? Yeah. It's me. You don't tell anyone until she's made an announcement. You got it? Yeah, not a word. You swear by everything you hold dear in your hand right now? I do. I swear on King Danny.

Dan · Ben:I thought you resigned. I guess the president changed her mind. It's a fickle world, my friend, and you've just been fickled.

Dan · Ben:No. No, this is not... This is not real. You're right, Dan. It's a dream. And me and Kent are about to turn into two horny cheerleaders and start making out.

Dan · Ben:So am I fired? Please, Ben, don't say that I'm fired. You're not fired. Oh, thank fuck for that. Because you've just resigned. It's a perfect fit.

Dan · Ben:I know about the targeting of bereaved families and the use of federal data. You listen to me, you little fucking turd's assistant. You don't threaten this administration because we will fucking destroy you. We'll skin you like a squirrel, clean you out like a dirty fucking chimney, and wear you like a glove puppet with my fingers sticking out of your dead fucking eyeballs.

Ben:How about Captain Loser? Or Big Chief Skidmark?

Dan · Ben:All right, how about Deputy Assistant to the President? That's funny.

Ben:See that tour? I set that up. See that shelf? I made that.

Mike · Ben:Wait, Ben, is this Ambien? How many of these have you taken? — Look, I need to sleep. I got all jacked up on licorice last night and I was belly dancing till dawn.

Mike · Ben:Imagine being detained for two weeks just 'cause you're a journalist and a shithead. — Yeah.

Mike · Ben · Aide:It's a good job we had nothing to do with his being detained. — Yeah, wouldn't that be terrible? — Mm-hmm. — Wait, did we have something to do with...? [music plays]

Mike · Ben:Ben, wake up. — Gary, why are you giving me all that Ambien?

Ben:Gary and Mike have been left behind in Iran. Wonderful. It's 'Black Hawk Down' with Laurel and Hardy.

Ben:He will be as involved as the rest of us in targeting happy parents after stealing cupcakes about their dead children.

Selina · Ben · Selina:Ben, why don't I know what's going on here? — I don't know. — I'm supposed to have my finger on the button. But for all I know, it's been rewired and I'm just operating some sort of light in a closet somewhere.

Selina · Ben:Did my eye just twitch? — No.

Ben · Mike:'He's been half-acuted' / 'Like being decapitated but surviving. Happens to chickens a lot.'

Ben:'It's like Christmas except happy.'

Ben · Doyle:The prostate cover story exchange: 'You have prostate problems.' / 'I'm not gonna say that.' / 'That's embarrassing.' / 'Exactly. That's what makes it more real.'

Selina · Ben:'What did I do in a past life to deserve Karen? / I think you must have given the go-ahead for Pearl Harbor.'

Ben:'I like Tom James and I hate everyone.'

Selina · Ben:'He's got a drinking problem. Yeah, shoe polish and he never even shared.'

Ben:'He has one skeleton. You're looking at her.' — Ben about why he didn't want to suggest Tom James

Ben:I'm afraid it's getting crucified on the Hill. Just like that Jesus guy.

Secret Service · Selina · Ben:Ma'am, there's an intruder. We need you to remain here. What? I mean, okay. I mean, what? I had not anticipated this. This I had not anticipated. Well, that sounds like the world's worst Dr. Seuss book.

Ben:Jesus Christ, Bill, you're shaking like a dog shitting a peach pit.

Ben:I've got to take a gigantic whiz. Man, the siege stuff goes straight to my bladder.

Ben:It's like if dogs could talk.

Ben:He's nailing it, like Streisand hitting a high C. My God, where were you born, Lake Homo?

Ben:Calamity James. And that's just off the top of my head.

Ben:Just get him off, you fucking mannequin.

Ben:It looks like you're telling him to straighten his tie. What the fuck are you doing?

Jonah · Richard · Ben:Maybe we could play some exit music or maybe push the button that drops the balloons. Shit, that's a great idea. Drop the balloons. Do we have balloons? No. That was just an example. Why the fuck did you bring up balloons if we don't have them?

Mike · Selina · Ben:Tom James took a crap all over America. Why do I got to grab the shovel? I'm not a shit cleaner. It's your job. You are the shit shoveler. Well, some shit doesn't get off. What? I don't know what that means.

Ben · Jonah:What the fuck are these guys doing here? Every player needs to roll with a crew, Ben. That's the truth from the street.

Ben:This is officially my worst day.

Ben:I like my bourbon like I like my women... 18 years old and wet.

Richard · Ben · Jonah:I'm more of a white Russian man myself. Here, take that. Okay, I guess that's fine also. Have a seat. Not there. No. Wasn't going to.

Ben · Jonah/Richard:Not there. — No. Wasn't going to.

Ben:'Don't worry, Mike. We have a team of our worst people on this. Cazzelli, Lennox. The usual saps. Jonah, Richard.'

Tom James · Ben:Tom smoothly deflects Ben's question by launching into an apparently riveting story about a Boston wedding fight involving the bride

Ben:'I mean, that was some black belt jujitsu bullshit right there.'

Selina · Ben · Tom:Selina is discovered to have been sending voice memos to aides during the live TV interview

Ben · Selina:'We just let off one nuke at the Super Bowl. Oh, so now you want to micromanage something you didn't even want to be involved in.'

Ben · Tom James:'No, a cash trail is very fucking bad for us.' / 'Oh.' / 'Hey, hold on there, Hunk of the Month.'

Ben:'Good point. Dan and Amy. They're getting paid cash from the campaign fund to bring down the bill. There, you've been blooded. So join the circle jerk. Grab a dick.'

Gary · Ben:'I'm the linchpin. I could go to jail!' / 'Shut up!' / 'No, you shut up. You shut up. And I will also shut up first.'

Selina · Ben:'It's like something out of a political cartoon.' / 'What, you mean not funny?'

Kent · Ben:'It was a sur-list, which means over-list.' / 'Oh, fuck you.'

Ben:'Your earwax could bring down a president.'

Ben:'Yeah, now we're gonna have to divert funds from the campaign and that's fraud. And then we're gonna have to destroy the evidence and that's conspiracy to commit fraud.'

Ben:'Well done. Now I feel a lot better.' — Ben's reaction to Gary accidentally informing Selina

Ben:Oh, man, election nights are my cocaine. It used to be election nights and cocaine were my cocaine, but...

Ben:If Fox says it's close, then it must be. Then again, they said the Rapture was close.

Ben:Okay, settle down. A bowl of hair could win those states.

Ben:Even money they give you the chair.

Ben · Bill:Yeah, Bill, put a cork in it, will you? / You know, that actually may help.

Ben:He's like a Native American tracker. He can hear it in the wind.

Staffer · Ben:The Wisconsin call has been rescinded. / Rescinded is actually not a word that's immediately clear. / This is a 360-degree turn. / It's 180.

Ben:We are back in the game. Back from the dead. Zombies, bottom of the ninth.

Selina · Ben:Your website is shit. / Honest to God. Shit. / Go back to the Shire, you fucking moonfaced hobbit.

Ben:I've known sailors less likely to go either way than this.

Ben:You might gather the general trend is that it's too close to call.

Ben:Ben, yeah, Mike, Selina's conceding, so forget about the soda and just grab a crate of whiskey.

Kent · Selina · Ben:Tie, like it's a tie? You mean, we tie? / You do. / What happens when there's a tie? / Everybody goes online to try to find out what happens if we get a tie. Way ahead of you. Shit, I'm just getting how to tie a tie.

Ben · Staffer · Bill:Can you stop thinking about yourself for one second? / Honestly. / No, because I'm going to prison. Have I mentioned that?

Ben:The three Ss... strength, stability and bullshit.

Selina · Catherine · Ben:Catherine filming with her camera — 'My thesis film about the tie. She majored in film at Vassar College.'

Selina · Gary · Ben:It's a pimple that erupted during a very stressful time. / For the stress pimple? Ben gets those on his butt.

Ben:Too bad you're not counting your missteps. You'd be done by breakfast, right?

Selina · Ben:How many abortions does a pro-lifer have to pressure his mistress into before the people turn on him? Three.

Ben · Amy · Mike:And every day you have to do the one thing O'Brien can't do. / Yeah, drive sober. / Take a shit without getting a hernia.

Ben:You're as welcome here as a swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue.

Ben · Amy:He took it like a man. Oh, well, he better get used to that.

Selina · Ben · Gary · Marjorie:Selina's staff reacting with pure joy to the Nevada recount news — jumping, laughing, Oh!-ing — while the new secret service agent stands impassively nearby

Ben:(PHONES CHIMING) The Dow is dropping lower than my balls on a hot summer day.

Ben:Zitzilla just stomped all over Wall Street.

Selina · Ben:Oh, suck my dick. / Panic from the recount led to a huge sell-off and the market is so overmargined, blammo. They're already calling it Black Wednesday. / Jesus, it's only Wednesday?

Ben · Selina:They're already calling it Black Wednesday. / Jesus, it's only Wednesday?

Selina · Ben · Mike:Why don't we appoint an economy czar for a start? / Like an empty cop car they park on the side of the road to slow speeders. / Those cars are empty?

Ben:I'm on it, ma'am, like brown on rice.

Selina · Richard · Amy · Ben:No, he's off book. / No, ma'am, I think that means he's learned all his lines and no longer needs a script. / No, he's off book. / Off the hook? / No, he's... God, he's deviating from the book of the things that he should do. / You mean off the rails.

Selina · Ben:What the fuck is going on here? Why are they all white? / Looks like the NHL All-Star Weekend.

Selina · aide · Ben:We need to round up some blacks and fast. / We need to round up... / Don't say it over the radio, asshole.

Selina · Ben:Wow, he looks puffy on TV. / Well, prison will get him in shape.

Ben:She's changed her mind more times than a frickin' child molester at Disneyland.

Ben:Yeah, and if you miss the deadline, find a rattlesnake and shove that up your dick hole 'cause it's a lot more fun than what I'll do to you. And drive safe.

Ben · Selina:She summers in Vinyardo Del Martha. / She's from El New Hampshire.

Ben · Selina:He makes a lot of sense. [beat] All right, so they've got a Secretary of State and what do I have? Harpo, Chico, and Shito.

Bob Bradley · Ben:We called him Fatty Dicksuckle and B-B-Benny and the Jizz. Buttfucker. / Buttfucker, that's me. I can't believe you remembered my nickname.

Kent · Ben:He hasn't worked in the White House since the late '80s. [beat] How old is Sue?

Ben · Selina:Chung will do it. / Chung would volunteer for a beheading video to get national airtime.

Ben · Selina:Because he thinks you're gonna win Nevada. / Tom thinks I'm gonna win Nevada? / 'Nev-add-a.' He's the smartest guy in DC.

Ben · Bob Bradley:Buttfucker. / Bye, Bob.

Ben:23 messages? / A nightcap?

Ben · Selina:'Even Wall Street's got a boner for you guys.' / 'Really? The market's up?' / 'No, it's flat. But not down is straight up for us at this point.'

Ben:'What Alan Turing is trying to say is if there are missing votes, he needs time to find them.'

Mike · Selina · Ben · Others:Why don't you just tell the truth? / I don't sound like that. / That's exactly how you sound. / No, I don't. / Spot-on. / Yeah, it's pretty close.

Ben · Selina:'Nev-ADD-a' — someone corrects Selina's pronunciation of Nevada mid-crisis

Selina · Ben:'You're the one who suggested we all live in the Matrix.' / 'Ma'am, nobody chose to live in the Matrix. The machines rose up and placed humans in the Matrix so they could use them as a biological power source.'

Selina · Amy · Ben:Selina reassuring Amy that she's 'very important to the campaign' and doing 'a great, very good job' — clearly to manage her suspicions about Bob

Ben:Look, Bob. Bob. We all know you're as folksy as a butter churn lamp.

Ben:Ma'am, at his age, if he can take a shit whenever he wants, that's a major victory.

Ben:'Ma'am, this morning he told me the Jews cause hurricanes.'

Ben:'Well, don't worry, ma'am. We'll get him on the first flight out of Nevada and we'll shove his ass out somewhere over Oklahoma.'

Selina · Ben:Selina frantically calls staff who don't answer; Ben tries Dan again; they discover Bob left the meeting mid-session and got in a cab

Ben · Selina:Jesus, an electoral protest? / A fake protest. That is classic O'Brien. It's such a scumbag move.

Ben (watching TV news) · Ben:Now, I have been in Washington a long time and I thought I had seen everything, but the insensitivity shown by Senator O'Brien clearly demonstrates that this man does not possess the judgment and dignity... / True statesman right there.

Ben · Selina · Ben · Selina · Aide · Kent:Those we have loved cannot be lost because they are always a part of us. / Thank you, Ben, and whoever wrote those words. / Look what I found. / Too late. / Of course. / I recognize those words. They were in the card your wife sent me when my cat Fibonacci passed.

O'Brien protesters · Ben · Selina:Hey, hey, ho, ho, / This endless recount's got to go. / God, that's a great chant. / Just catchy.

Jonah · Ben:Okay, we got 'Count Totes the Votes.' / What is that? What's 'totes'? / Totes, like all. Count all the votes.

Ben · Protesters · Ben:You guys have one job to do, that is to rally the crowd with your pro-POTUS signs and get your camera-unfriendly faces on TV. / Yes. / You can't put a Jonah Ryan on TV like that.

Ben:The only thing that women 18-34 are gonna do when they see you on camera is file a restraining order.

Ben · Ben:Make yourself at home, Mike. / Don't eat the bananas. They're wax.

Ben:Did we tell 'Huey, Dewey, and Rapey' that it's 'Stop the Count' now and not 'Count Every Vote'?

Richard · Ben · Ben · Richard · Ben:Count every vote! Count every vote! / Doesn't he work for O'Brien? / No. Jesus. Come on, Richard, no. / Count every vote! / Jonah!

Selina · Ben · Ben · Selina · Ben · Selina:Why would China go through Qatar? / Qataris love to insert themselves. / They're wet-fingered. / They're into ass play? / No, they have a gift for sensing prevailing political winds. / I'll bet they're into ass play, too.

Ben · Selina · Someone:To Congress we go. / To Congress we go, yeah. / Congratulations.

Ben:Someone's got a case of the blue badge blue balls.

Ben:Oh, please. He wishes.

Ben:POTUS is still getting permanently Photoshopped. Let's get the head of the CDC out there, calm everyone down. Let's send Tom James out as well. He's a tall drink of Xanax.

Ben:Jesus, you look like a southern housewife who just burned her husband's dinner.

Ben:No one should see you while your face is... marinating.

Ben · Doyle:Her mouth is swollen from dental surgery. She can't make a statement. / She's not not incapacitated. She's just not fully capacitated. You fucking people. You treat the Constitution like a build-your-own-pizza menu.

Ben:Sir, you're calm, you're confident, you exude a crotchety gravitas. We need to shut this down like a fucking public school for the arts.

Ben:Jesus, Mike. I'm gonna put a baby in you if you don't get your head in the game.

Ben · unknown aide:Christ, I thought he was gonna shit the bed. Instead he's doing turndown service and leaving a mint on the pillow. You know, that can be the difference between a three- and a four-star hotel.

Ben · Selina:Well, in many ways, this could be the best thing that could happen. / Say what, now?

Ben · Doyle:To be honest with you, sir, she's not looking real good. / And I'll be honest with you. I don't think you're being honest about being honest.

Jeff · Ben:Sounds like a big goddamn but. / Oh, yeah, this is a giant, juicy, muscular Serena Williams but.

Jeff · Ben:Besides, for anyone to beat the widow, they're gonna have to fight dirty and I don't shit where I eat. / Well, me neither, not since my wife caught me eating yogurt on the crapper.

Selina · Ben:Well, are you doing it? / You're just sitting here farting into my couch.

Ben · Candi Caruso · Dan:I'm sorry, Candi. The position's been filled. / Aw. / Thanks for coming in. / It's good seeing you again. / Mm-hmm.

Selina · Ben:What would you guys do if you had to choose between your cock and your balls? / I could lose them both. I mean, at this stage they're purely decorative.

Ben:Hey, slow down. I'm on Coumadin.

Ben · Kent · Sue:Sue, we need to see the president. / Gentlemen, you'll have to towel off and wait. / She's in with someone. / Who? / Whom.

Ben · Selina:I got an idea. You can clear your head out and have a little fun at the same time. / What? / Yeah, I'll call Jonah and Dan and you can tear them a six-pack of new assholes.

Mike · Ben:Ben, this is real. The whole room was sniffing around Cuntgate. / It's not a gate, Mike. / No kidding! It isn't a gate. I agree. I said that. / She's becoming seriously unhinged. / She has gone full metal Nixon.

Ben · Amy:Who do you think said it? / Well, we did. Me and Mike. / Oh, my God. I thought it was me. / No way. / No, I'm pretty sure I called her a cunt to the reporter who broke the story.

Ben:Amy, it's probable that your investigation has already determined that I was the one that called her a cunt. / I'm hoping that my utility to the organization gives you reason to protect me on this. / Also our friendship.

Gary · Amy · Ben:Gary. / It was me. I called the president the C word. / No, you didn't. / Really? / I was so mad about her not wearing sunscreen, which is stupid, and I was like, 'What an old crone.' / A what? / An old crone, Amy. / Gary, C is for cunt. / What? / We all called her a cunt. / Oh, my God! / What is wrong with you people?

Mike · Ben:Yeah, he wouldn't return my calls after POTUS fired him. Oh, come on. It's been a long time. Go talk to him.

Selina · Ben:Well, at least we know you don't need big balls. Got large stones for sure.

Ben · Selina:Oh, what about Doyle? You promised him State. He knows I don't keep my promises. He should know by now.

Ben · Selina · Tom:Let me guess, Jaeger's abstaining. Yeah. Nickerson, too. Tom's not lobbying votes for O'Brien. He's asking people to abstain.

Ben:Listen, I'm a high functioning alcoholic and you're a sloppy weekend drunk. Now get with it.

Ben:Presumably driving slowly and not using their signals.

Selina · Ben:What do you got going there, Depravey Crockett? / You can't go in with a plan. The knife tells you.

Chinese official · Selina · Ben:This is a depiction of the most popular children's cartoon character in China, Sad Piglet. / It looks just like my daughter Catherine. / Your daughter is a beautiful woman and this is a piglet. / It's upset.

Ben:Our intel suggested they hated you.

Selina · Ben:Oh my God. [sees it on TV] / It's not funny, Ben. / I know, it's terrible. / A little bit of blood.

President Lu's aide · Selina · Ben:Camp David is where President Eisenhower came to recover after his heart attack. / Yeah. / Is he okay? / President Eis... he's pass... he's dead. He's long gone.

Ben:This path was originally used by F.D.R. for his morning strolls. Or rolls, I should say.

Ben · Selina:Can I bum a piece of gum? / Uh, may I chew gum with you?

Selina · Ben:God, this was their real demand from the beginning. I mean, those islands didn't come out of nowhere. / Actually, they did. The Chinese created islands by piling sediment from under the sea...

Selina · Ben:The walkout scene: 'Well, that is unacceptable.' / 'Unacceptable!' (Ben) / 'She never does this.' (Ben) / 'I mean, I will storm out. Here I go.' / 'No way. It's unacceptable!' / 'This is not happening.' / 'In all honesty, she's never done this.'

Selina · Ben:No way. It's unacceptable! This is not happening. In all honesty, she's never done this.

Ben:Joyce, she took care of me after my third heart attack. My second wife was a nurse as well. I guess I have a thing for nurses, huh?

Ben:These are my compatriots. We are a historically Spanish-speaking motorcycle club which has been under a great deal of unfair legal scrutiny lately.

Dan · Ben:Dan muses about needing an agent to take the 'Dan Egan brand to the next level.' Ben: 'Too bad Goebbels killed himself.'

Selina · Ben:'The only president to pee sitting down since FDR. Is that gonna be my legacy, Ben?' / 'Well, I pee sitting down sometimes if it's gonna be a longy.'

Ben:Ben: 'Well, I pee sitting down sometimes if it's gonna be a longy.'

Selina · Ben:'It's really more of a copresident position. Wouldn't you agree with that, Ben?' / 'Sure.'

Selina · Ben:'Secretary of state.' / 'God, I hate this country.' / 'I know.'

Ben:Ben's young-adult fiction pitch: 'Mine takes place in an alternate timeline where overweight, alcoholic ex-chiefs of staff are considered a sexual prize.'

Selina · Ben:Selina: 'Well, I'm not good with good-byes.' / Ben: 'Or winning presidential elections.' / Selina: 'Well, that's not true.' / Ben: 'Yeah, it is.' / Selina: 'Okay.'

Ben:'Hell of a time to run out of gas.'

Ben · Murman:The only reason he hasn't been dragged naked through the streets and hung upside down from a lamp post with his cock stuffed in his mouth is because he took my advice from time to time. / Guilty as charged.

Ben:That's keep a lot of docents in Rockports.

Ben:I'd kill for a job where I could wear flats all day.

Selina · Ben:I cannot lose my integrity. Without that, I am nothing. / How would we make sure no one finds out about the cash?

Ben:Ben about Nikolai: 'As long as the check clears.'

Minna · Selina · Ben:Nikolai and I are not only bound by mutual respect and shared beliefs. We are also bound by powerful physical attraction. / Oof. / You gotta be kidding. / We are, in fact, lovers. / Lovers. / Lovers. / With Scab Calloway?

Selina · Ben:Murman's leading by more votes than there are people in the country. / Yeah, maybe he's bussing them in from Chicago.

Selina · Ben · Andrew/Kent:How much? / 20 million. / Yahtzee. / I mean, they're both crooks. / What's the difference? / $5 million. / Exactly.

Minna · Selina · Ben:Oh, my God. Well... I will recuse myself. Immediately, I will resign. / No, no, no, let's not overreact. Just take a deep breath, Minna. You're just in the middle of what we in America call... / A difficult situation. / ...a fuck fog.

Ben:Well, for you, Congressman, disaster would be a step up

Ben · Kent:Plus-sized homunculus. A human-shaped creature of medieval legend that Paracelsus claimed was created from putrefied sperm.

Ben:which is a line of prison inmates standing on each other's shoulders trying to sodomize you.

Ben:Jonah, you have to take the Montez deal. I never thought you'd last more than a week, but right now, you could piss on every grave in Arlington and still get reelected in November.

Jonah · Ben:Thank you for your input. It's very much appreciated. You can clean out your office. / I don't have an office. I share a desk with Kent. / Well, then you can clean out your half-desk. / It's empty. / You're fired. / Okay. / All right. / See you around never, Ben... / Cafferty. / Yeah.

Kent · Ben:I might get my teeth re-whitened. — Maybe we could start a new business, take our shit show on the road. — Yeah, easier than explaining yards after the catch to Steve Largent.

Ben · Kent:If we do this, though, one rule... no McLintock. — No shit.

Ben:The three Meyersketeers hang a shingle?

Aide · Ben · Selina:Vice President Selina Meyer to see the president. Oh, hey, Ben. Madam Vice President. How are you? I'm good, thank you. The president is very, very busy right now. Why don't I show you your office first? Oh, sure. Yeah! Okay? Right across the street here. What? The EEOB?

Selina · Ben:Okay, I haven't spoken to my neighbors in my entire fucking life. I don't even know who they are. Oh, be glad. I've met them.

Ben:The president doesn't actually want you to do anything other than continue to be a woman, which you're doing a pretty okay job at.

Ben:I'm trying to cut down on exercise, okay? He'll call you if he needs you.

Selina · Ben:How are the girls and Big and Little Richard doing? How are your kids, Ben? Ooh, touché.

Dan · Ben:I was here in 2012, 'Steve Bing'd' a couple stewardesses. Will you stop being exactly like yourself? You're fucking ruining this.

Ben:Response to Selina's observation: 'The Electoral College hasn't exactly been hitting it out of the park.'

Ben:On Felix's young companion: 'He'll look older after Felix switches blood with him.'

Ben:'Felix Wade's sexuality is the worst best-kept secret since Clyde Tolson's hysterical pregnancy.'

Ben · Selina:Selina: 'The man lives in a vast invisible closet. — Sounds amazing.'

Ben · Selina:Ben tells Selina 'Amy's bulimic' like it's useful intelligence; Selina responds 'Well, it's about time.'

Ben · Amy:Ben tells Amy she has 'some vomit on your mustache'

Selina · Ben:Amy is implied to have eaten a second breakfast before her visible breakfast. 'Did you see what she had for breakfast? — And I bet she had a breakfast before that breakfast. — There is no doubt about that.'

Ben:Selina on Dan being sent to charm Felix: 'In current gay parlance, Dan presents somewhere between a wolf and an otter, some would call a frost otter.'

Ben:Ben advises Amy to 'try laxatives' for her bulimia: 'I'll tell you why. It saves your teeth.'

Ben:Ben: 'You're gonna be drowning in money so dark it could get shot entering its own apartment.'

Selina · Ben · Aide:Ben on Mike: 'Where is that fat-faced, freckled fuck-it-up-agus? — Hiding in the bathroom, ma'am, making pretend diarrhea noises.'

Ben:When I say 'shit,' you say 'show.'

Ben · Kent:'Kemi Fever.' Three exclamation points. / It's a pandemic.

Ben:OK, I don't know if I should be sad or turned on.

Selina · Unknown · Ben:Olu-wakemi Talibah Talbot. — Oh. — That sounds like a terrorist to me, folks. — Talibah, Taliban. — Taliban. That's an old chestnut.

Ben · Selina:Ma'am, you do know that this time you're running against an actual black person? / She's not even all-black.

Selina · Ben · Dan · Marjorie:Like a dog whistle. / Yes, exactly! / Come on, that's like a dog whisper. / You could 'reject' an endorsement from a pro-Confederacy group. / That's like a dog exploding space shuttle. / I need something loud, not too loud like-- / Dog chainsaw? / No, that's too droney. / A dog snowmobile. / Why would I know what that even sounds like? / A dog leaf blower? / Yeah, I like that.

Ben · Selina:'Ish.' / 'Esque.'

Ben · Selina:We are not talking about letting the Chinese influence our presidential election... And, since it is not being discussed, then I do not have to mention that you cannot trust the Chinese. And they will not sell you out in a Beijing minute. / Wait, they will or they won't? / I don't know.

Selina · Ben · Marjorie:Do you think Captain Lady Kangaroo heard any of that? / I don't think so. / No? Okay, good. / Fire her anyway just to be sure. / Consider her green-jeaned, ma'am.

Selina · Ben:He just fucked me right in the ass! / Son of a bitch wouldn't endorse you. / That, too!

Selina · Gary · Ben:Well, I can't think of any other reason. / Well, let's be honest. God had a lot to do with it, too. / Oh, sure! Yeah. It's a miracle. / Let's go spend twenty-five million dollars on some racist robo callers. / Praise the Lord. / Right?

Ben:Ben: Uh, like my prostate. / Mostly black and much larger than we'd like.

Ben · Selina:You cannot trust the Chinese. / I married enough of them to know that. / Wait, isn't your wife Korean? / Maybe. Fog of war.

Selina · Gary · Ben:So who's in charge of the faith-based outreach now? / Not it. / You are. [...] And Keith Quinn'll help you out too, I think. / Yes, there you go. So, your name will be all over it. Like Jodie Foster in John Hinckley's diary.

Selina · Ben:Tell my attorney to meet me in the next filler state we're in, 'cause last I heard, you can't run for office and be in prison. / Well, maybe in the House you can't.

Unknown · Ben:...I saw Andrew. / The prosecution rests.

Ben · Selina Meyer:Kemi has been getting some death threats. / Well, then we should leak some of my death threats, OK? I get some, don't I?

Selina Meyer · Ben:'Cause last I heard, you can't run for office and be in prison. / Ben: Maybe in the House you can.

Ben:Your unfavorables are rising past 'accidental ethnic slur' right into 'men's room incident.'

Ben · Selina Meyer:Any luck with the human Mobius strip? / Andrew's cutting a deal. / I could go to jail. / I don't look good in jumpsuits. / I mean, I do, but I don't. Ya know.

Selina Meyer · Ben:The Joseph Goebbels playbook. Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty. / Steal from the best.

Selina Meyer · Kent · Ben · Gary:I have always been open and transparent about how old I am. / Yeah, 55. / I believe it's 53. / Late 40s. / You're all correct.

Ben · Selina Meyer:Is Andrew tied in with the Chinese? / I-I don't know. I mean, he's always had a thing for Asians. / So do I, but if Andrew starts talking to the grand jury about, you know, you and China--

Ben · Selina Meyer · Ben:Also, they found Rosa Sanchez in El Salvador. / Who? / The fake real woman from your speech? / Just in the nick of time. She was about to be stoned by the local child army.

Selina Meyer · Gary · Ben:You spent millions... / Yes, yes, I did. / ...on leather-bound hobo toilet paper. / Mmm. I hope they don't use the New Testament for that.

Ben · Selina Meyer:Any date for the wedding? / Huh? / Any date for the wedding? / Oh, who gives a shit.

Ben · Selina Meyer:I just talked to my guy in the Southern District. / They're dropping the investigation into the Meyer Fund. / No! / Without Andrew, the whole thing just blew up. / Sorry.

Selina Meyer · Ben:I've got way more foreign policy experience than that half-wit Kemi. / I think it's pronounced half-white.

Ben:Although publicly, Montez claims to be considering all options. Privately, I heard she's been doing impressions of you getting broom-sticked in prison.

Selina · Ben · Kent:Are people actually laughing at that impression? / - No. - Yes.

Selina · Ben:Norway. Ambassador Costas was Montez's husband's chiropractor. / Yeah, he does most of his ambassador-ing in Orlando.

Ben:It turns out Americans don't give a flying fatwa if you drone a bunch of Muslims! Your favorables have never been higher, ma'am. For polling purposes, you're practically a generic white male.

Murman · Selina · Ben:Once, I told my enemy it was tunnel escape, but in fact, I just buried him alive. / Murman. / Actually, it was her, but story is funnier with a man, huh? / In these MeToo days, you know? / Actually, I think it could work with a woman. / Either way, it's a very good story. Beginning, middle and end. Plus a lesson.

Kent · Ben:Kent: The Hague gives a shit. / Ben: We are not in America. We just crawled out of a drain!

Amy · Ben · Amy:Your offer is as appealing as a Sriracha enema. So, fuck your offer, and fuck you. / It's always good to see ya, Amy. / You, too. I miss you guys.

Selina · Ben · Selina:Have Jonah instruct his delegates of Dr. Moreau to back me on the second ballot tonight, and we might be able to find something for him at... / EPA. / Perfect.

Selina · Gary · Ben · Selina:Tom James. / Kent says he'll take it on tomorrow night's ballot. / I think this is it for me, too. / Oh, no. You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be good as new, and then we'll figure out my next move.

Ben · Selina · Ben · Selina:Hey, do me a favor. / What? / Don't tell my wife and kids, okay? I mean, I could really use the break. / That's not a problem. I've never met 'em.

Ben:Ah, call me Ben.