Hostages

I'd be terrible in a hostage situation, even as a hostage taker.

he knows I've got a bigger role in the White House now, which means I've got a bigger dick, which means he can suck it.

That's gonna electrify DC. - Oh, it's gonna AC DC.

Robust is a good word. And you don't hear it often, like bumptious.

Robust makes me think of wine. It's actually how I like my reds.

You like your reds through a bendy straw, too, right, Mike?

You got donut on you, Mike.

VP stands for 'very precious.'

Wow. Hope it comes with CliffsNotes.

That was a play on my name. My name is Cliff.

Don't do jokes, Cliff. I don't have a sense of humor and neither should you.

How do you make two perfectly pleasant words so irritating?

the man who can't take a leak without polling his balls.

Secretary of Defense Maddox is living up to his name. He's mad as an ox.

He had a pro-strike hawk boner the size of Jonah.

There's cultures that don't even have any numbers and they do just fine.

Ben, it seems like you're ill-suited for your job and you should resign.

Yeah, precise and surgical, like your lobotomy, Kent.

No, that's cherry red. - Cerise. - I'm sorry, sir. I must have a very specific form of color blindness.

Oh, the noodle analogy. You guys are gonna love this.

I will leave.

Any less and they will be flaccid and damp like a lady's hair in the rain.

Why are we talking about noodles? - No, let me rephrase that. Why the fuck are we talking about noodles?

even though my salivary glands are crying out to me like newly hatched birds.

You just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding?

That is fucking pathetic.

Probably got his head stuck in her ass.

They don't salute indoors, Gary. - They don't salute indoors, Gary.

And did you know in the CD player I've got Ride of the Valkyries? (CHUCKLES) Apocalypse Now.

I was married to a Devil Dog, but he wasn't a Marine. He was more of a devil.

Small arms means guns, ma'am. - Oh, really, Gary? Not T-rex hands?

In anger, too, I might add. Ooh, uh-oh!

The gun could literally backfire. That's where the phrase comes from.

You could chip a veneer and I don't really want that to happen.

Here he is, Kanye West Wing.

I'm the boy named Sue.

Cliff, when I said no jokes, that wasn't a joke.

some guy in the hospital with locked-in syndrome.

All right. There speaketh a pricketh.

Oh, Jesus fucking Christ!

Fastest gun in the West Wing.

With this hostage situation, I don't think you have the intelligence. As in intel, of course, ma'am.

Is it four or is it five? Or is it six? Or is it seven? You don't know, do you?

I pulled that straight out of my ass.

He's Iwo Jima. I'm planting a flag right on his head.

Oh, shit a shark.

Robust? - Robust.

Okay, now she just sounds mentally ill.

I'm guessing you have one of those word-a-day calendars. And I know what the word for today is. It's robust.

Well, I'm guessing that you think you have a sense of humor, Mr. Hessler. Which you are wrong about, as you are about the calendar. That is my definition of robust.

It's time to robust a nut all over this place.

Get your own ear, van Gogh.

There goes the R-bomb.

Stick a thermometer up Washington's ass. See how much heat I just created. - Parting the cheeks.

What's the opposite of constipated, Mike? - Relieved. - No. Relieved is not the opposite of constipated, Mike.

VP sister act robusting the moves

Sue made it. - Sure. It's there, too.

Sue only has one name like Pocahontas or Hitler.

Or Moby or Bigfoot.

What? You're not fucking Sue.

Start popping your popcorn. - Must Sue TV.

It's Gary-oke time. - Gary-oke is done, my friend. It's time for Danny-oke now.

Don't be ridiculous. I'm not famous. Well, maybe only in DC. Oh, yeah, me and Kim Kardashian. Ha ha.

Does aggressive trump robust? - Well, it's robustier.

robust is like a rock and aggressive is like paper. Oh, shoot, paper covers rock.

His word is 'get-the-vice-president- over-here-right-now-we're-having-a-fucking-meeting.' It's all one word hyphenated.

Oh, I thought you were gonna say diet, Ben.

And I don't have to answer to you, Ben. Or to Lara Croft here for that matter.

Listen, we all know the White House would work so much better if there wasn't a President, but there is.

Calculated? That sounds so... - Calculated? - Pussy-ass, that's what I was gonna say.

She fires a gun one time and she thinks she's Rommel in the desert.

When you do that, I'm gonna start supporting gun control.

Cock-a-noodle-doo.

He's gonna procrasterbate forever.

This is the Vice President. - Yes, it is. - No, no, this is the Vice President.

Set your DVR. I'm thinking of... Okay, you hung up.

Amy, this is like explaining gravity to a chicken.

You have made a fuck-up the size of France and you are fucking grinning about it.

I'm trying not to. I'm not sure why my face is doing this.

This is all Cliff's fault, that grinning fucking Ewok.

Well, I feel like that porn star who had to do 200 men in one day. At least she got to lie down, right?

I'm imagining you in a bathtub full of rose petals.

Think of me as a cheerleader, Mike. - Oh, God. I'm imagining you in a bathtub full of rose petals.

Did she just make an innuendo? - Yep. Yep.

so help me Brian. - Yes. - I am Brian. - I think you mean, 'So help you God.'

Oh, I wish that was my cousin's name.

This is the worst small talk I've ever heard. And I'm including mine in that and mine is horrible.

What in the living Lord of Christ are you doing here?

Well, that's how the cookie crumbles.

That's great. For us, I mean. 'Cause we're done.

What's time o'clock? - Time o'clock.

Maybe she's pregnant again. - Oh, God. Or she's menopausal. Oh, God, she's gonna want that testosterone gel. I'm out of here.

They all leave me eventually.

The men get the situation room, I get the shituation room?

This is so awesome. I'll bet you camera three gets a kill.

George, comments like that are incredibly inappropriate when people's lives are at stake.

Yeah! Eggs-shak-a-laka! In your fucking face, eggs.

Ashes to ashes, robust to dust.

Yeah! Semper fucking fee. - Fi. - Fi. Fi, right.

Oh, so they were able to just salvage his foot?

I call that overshadowboxing.

The leg is just the price of admission to the place you wanted to be.

Sure, we'll roll out the ramps.

I guarantee you they're better than my shitty legs. I hate my legs. In fact, if I had the choice...