As a hostage crisis in Uzbekistan heats up, Selina and Secretary of Defense General Maddox have trouble getting on the same page at their joint appearance at the Marine Corps Base at Quantico. Sue testifies at a congressional hearing on governmental efficiencies; Dan and Gary jockey for the Veep's ear.
Steady escalation carries a mid-tier episode through diplomatic hostage negotiations.
Directed by Chris Addison · Written by Sean Gray
WAR
156.5
Wins Above Replacement
“Hostages” ranks #36 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 93.2 — Elite. The episode packs 111 scored jokes at 3.2 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.3 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Selina · NSC official: You mean one of our Marines lost a leg? — Yes, ma'am. His left leg, ma'am. — The entire leg? — I believe he lost from above the knee. — Oh, so they were able to just salvage his foot?
Ben: You just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding? That is fucking pathetic.
Ben Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Ben: Yeah, I was talking to POTUS last night... He's gonna procrasterbate forever.
Ben Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina · NSC official: Was he part of the operation? — Yes. He was actually due to be rotated out on the eighth.
Selina: Wait a minute. Jonah's going in? — The men get the situation room, I get the shituation room?
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 111 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Selina: I'd be terrible in a hostage situation, even as a hostage taker.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: he knows I've got a bigger role in the White House now, which means I've got a bigger dick, which means he can suck it.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Amy · Dan: That's gonna electrify DC. — Oh, it's gonna AC DC.
Selina: Robust is a good word. And you don't hear it often, like bumptious.
Selina Character Comedy Absurdist Dan: Yeah, it's what you want to hear in a hostage crisis. Robust, not bumptious.
Dan Deadpan/Understatement Irony/Sarcasm Mike: Robust? I like it. It makes me think of wine. It's actually how I like my reds.
Mike Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Dan: You like your reds through a bendy straw, too, right, Mike?
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dan: You got donut on you, Mike.
Dan Character Comedy Visual Gag Gary: VP stands for 'very precious.' Okay?
Gary Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Gary · Cliff: This is the Veeplopedia. It's everything you'll ever need to know. Wow. Hope it comes with CliffsNotes.
Gary · Cliff: That was a play on my name. My name is Cliff. Don't do jokes, Cliff. I don't have a sense of humor and neither should you.
Gary Cliff Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: How do you make two perfectly pleasant words so irritating?
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: And here he is, the man who can't take a leak without polling his balls.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Ben: He had a pro-strike hawk boner the size of Jonah.
Ben Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Ben: There's cultures that don't even have any numbers and they do just fine.
Ben Character Comedy Absurdist Kent: Well, Ben, it seems like you're ill-suited for your job and you should resign.
Kent Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Selina: Yeah, precise and surgical, like your lobotomy, Kent.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jonah · Kent: No, that's cherry red. — Cerise. — I'm sorry, sir. I must have a very specific form of color blindness.
Kent · Ben: I cook these noodles every day... Oh, the noodle analogy. You guys are gonna love this.
Kent Ben Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Ben Reaction Beat Deadpan/Understatement Kent: Any less and they will be flaccid and damp like a lady's hair in the rain.
Kent Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Ben: Why are we talking about noodles? — No, let me rephrase that. Why the fuck are we talking about noodles?
Ben Character Comedy Escalation Ben: You just timed out that whole shit analogy for your little ding? That is fucking pathetic.
Ben Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Gary: Probably got his head stuck in her ass.
Gary Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina · Gary: They don't salute indoors, Gary. — They don't salute indoors, Gary. (both simultaneously)
Selina: I was married to a Devil Dog, but he wasn't a Marine. He was more of a devil.
Selina Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Marine · Selina: She's so funny. (Marine, clearly just being polite)
Gary · Selina: Small arms means guns, ma'am. — Oh, really, Gary? Not T-rex hands?
Maddox: In anger, too, I might add.
Maddox Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina · Gary: What the fuck? — This could backfire. — It's not gonna backfire. The gun could literally backfire. That's where the phrase comes from.
Amy · Selina: Ma'am, this could really chap Maddox's ass, too. — Oh, yeah, it would, wouldn't it?
Gary · Selina: You could chip a veneer and I don't really want that to happen. — I don't care. I'm going in.
Jonah: Here he is, Kanye West Wing.
Jonah Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Cliff: No, I'm Cliff. I'm Sue's Sue. — I'm the boy named Sue.
Cliff Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential Jonah: Cliff, when I said no jokes, that wasn't a joke.
Jonah Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Sue: Keep it dull, which incidentally, is also dull.
Sue Meta/Self-Referential Deadpan/Understatement Jonah: The only people watching this are you and some guy in the hospital with locked-in syndrome.
Jonah Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Sue: My pulse is racing, sir.
Sue Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Marine · Selina: If you don't mind my saying, ma'am, there speaketh a civilian. — All right. There speaketh a pricketh.
Selina: Oh, Jesus fucking Christ! (after firing and presumably missing badly or getting recoil)
Selina Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Marine: These fellas have heard a lot worse than that, ma'am. — Tremendous shot, by the way.
Marine Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat Selina: Oh, how about that? Fastest gun in the West Wing.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Maddox · Maddox: With this hostage situation, I don't think you have the intelligence. — As in intel, of course, ma'am.
Selina: Is it four or is it five? Or is it six? Or is it seven? You don't know, do you?
Selina Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Selina · Amy: I pulled that straight out of my ass. — You were born for that moment. — I know. He's Iwo Jima. I'm planting a flag right on his head.
Dan Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Sue · Hessler: Sir, we have a system that I believe to be robust. — Robust? — Robust. — Our management team is robust.
Sue Hessler Running Gag Callback Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Dan: Okay, now she just sounds mentally ill.
Dan Character Comedy Reaction Beat Callback Jonah: I'm working remotely.
Jonah Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Hessler: I'm guessing you have one of those word-a-day calendars. And I know what the word for today is. It's robust.
Hessler Irony/Sarcasm Running Gag Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Sue: Well, I'm guessing that you think you have a sense of humor, Mr. Hessler. Which you are wrong about, as you are about the calendar. That is my definition of robust.
Sue Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: My speech is a face-melter. These buzz cuts are gonna flip.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dan: It's time to robust a nut all over this place.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Running Gag Callback Mike: Explosive. Punchy. Fearless. I'm just saying words.
Mike Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Dan · Gary: Gary, I need the speech. I need the Vice President's ear. — Get your own ear, van Gogh. — Back off.
Dan Gary Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dan · Gary · Mike: There goes the R-bomb. — I thought we weren't doing robust. — I thought we were still on considered.
Dan Gary Mike Running Gag Callback Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Mike: Stick a thermometer up Washington's ass. See how much heat I just created. — Parting the cheeks.
Mike · Selina: MIKE: You don't look constipated. You look the opposite of it. — SELINA: What's the opposite of constipated, Mike? — Relieved. — No. Relieved is not the opposite of constipated, Mike. Hang up the phone, dummy.
Mike Selina Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Escalation ★ Rewatch Selina: VP sister act robusting the moves
Selina Running Gag Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Amy · Mike: Word cloud scene: 'robust' dominates, 'Sue' visible, Selina's name is tiny — 'It's bigger than collapse.'
Amy · Selina: I mean, Sue only has one name like Pocahontas or Hitler. — Or Moby or Bigfoot.
Selina · Cliff: What? You're not fucking Sue. — I'm Cliff. I'm filling in for Sue.
Selina · Amy: She has a return appearance? What does she need an encore for? — Yeah, it's an encore. Start popping your popcorn.
Selina · Gary · Dan: Gary-oke time. — It is. — Danny-oke? — End of an era, buddy. End of an era.
Dan: Oh, yeah, me and Kim Kardashian. Ha ha.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina · Dan · Ben: Does aggressive trump robust? — Well, it's robustier. — No, robust is like a rock and aggressive is like paper. — Oh, shoot, paper covers rock. I forget about that.
Amy: His word is 'get-the-vice-president-over-here-right-now-we're-having-a-fucking-meeting.' It's all one word hyphenated.
Amy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Ben · Selina: They're different words. And saying different words means what? It means we're not on the same... — Diet? — Page.
Ben: Or to Lara Croft here for that matter.
Ben Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Selina: Oh, where is the great and powerful Oz, by the way?
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Selina · Ben: Calculated? That sounds so... — Pussy-ass, that's what I was gonna say.
Selina Ben Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Misdirection Ben: She fires a gun one time and she thinks she's Rommel in the desert.
Ben Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Ben: Yeah, I was talking to POTUS last night... He's gonna procrasterbate forever.
Ben Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Ben Wordplay/Pun Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Kent · Ben: We can move on the hostages. — Cock-a-noodle-doo.
Kent Ben Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Oh, my God. I'd kiss you right now, but I'm never gonna do that.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina · Cliff: Office of the Vice President. — This is the Vice President. — Yes, it is. — No, no, this is the Vice President.
Cliff: Set your DVR. I'm thinking of... Okay, you hung up.
Cliff Character Comedy Awkward Silence Selina: Amy, this is like explaining gravity to a chicken.
Selina Character Comedy Absurdist Selina · Cliff: You have made a fuck-up the size of France and you are fucking grinning about it. — I'm trying not to. I'm not sure why my face is doing this.
Selina: This is all Cliff's fault, that grinning fucking Ewok.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Selina: I feel like that porn star who had to do 200 men in one day. At least she got to lie down, right?
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina · Jonah · Mike: This isn't a POTUS thing. Why is scrotus here? — Think of me as a cheerleader, Mike. — Oh, God. I'm imagining you in a bathtub full of rose petals.
Selina: I want to know how all your filmmaking is going. — Beg pardon? — And so on. — Your fishing.
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Selina · Amy · Dan: Oh, well, that's all we want. We all want the big one, don't we? — Did she just make an innuendo? — Yep. Yep.
Selina: That I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same... so help me Brian.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Senator Brian · Selina: I think you mean 'so help you God.' — Yes, yes. Oh, so help you God. — So help me God. — Me, God, yes.
Selina · Dan · Amy: Oh, I wish that was my cousin's name. — This is the worst small talk I've ever heard. And I'm including mine in that and mine is horrible. She's done worse. I can't think of when, but she has.
Selina: Well, that's how the cookie crumbles.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Selina · Amy: Amy, it's time o'clock. — What's time o'clock? — Time o'clock.
Mike · Gary: Maybe she's pregnant again. — Oh, God. — Or she's menopausal. — Oh, God, she's gonna want that testosterone gel. I'm out of here.
Selina: Wait a minute. Jonah's going in? — The men get the situation room, I get the shituation room?
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Selina: Hi, gentlemen. — I hope you heard that joke. That was meant for you to hear it.
Selina Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy Callback Jonah: This is so awesome. I'll bet you camera three gets a kill.
Jonah Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Maddox: When the guns go off, they will be loud, Madam Vice President, so no swearing.
Maddox Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Jonah: George, comments like that are incredibly inappropriate when people's lives are at stake. — I've got to get a refill here. Old jumbo needs a refill.
Soldier · Selina · Ben: The eggs are back in the basket! — Yeah! Eggs-shak-a-laka! — In your fucking face, eggs.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Amy: So Sue's return to the hearing's wiped off the news map. That's the last thing on anyone's mind today.
Amy Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Callback Hessler: Ashes to ashes, robust to dust.
Hessler Wordplay/Pun Running Gag Callback Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Mike: Pumped and dumped by the fame monster, huh?
Mike Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina · NSC official: Yeah! Semper fucking fee. — Fi. — Fi. Fi, right.
Selina · NSC official: You mean one of our Marines lost a leg? — Yes, ma'am. His left leg, ma'am. — The entire leg? — I believe he lost from above the knee. — Oh, so they were able to just salvage his foot?
Selina · NSC official: Was he part of the operation? — Yes. He was actually due to be rotated out on the eighth.
Dan: Ma'am, I just want to say consummate performance. Not only did you rescue the hostages, but you annihilated Sue. You picked the operation date to blow her appearance off the map. I mean, genius play, ma'am. Genius. I call that overshadowboxing.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Wordplay/Pun Callback Selina: The problem with being so close to somebody's ear all the time is that you begin to think that you can see inside their head, but you can't, Dan. You can't.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina · Gary: I lost a man his leg. — Please stop saying that, ma'am. — He'll bounce back. I got a feeling.
Amy: The leg is just the price of admission to the place you wanted to be.
Amy Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Selina · Amy: Well, maybe we could invite him to the White House. — Oh. — You know, once he's back up on his... — Sure, we'll roll out the ramps.
Gary: Ma'am, some of the prosthetic legs they have these days are as good as real legs. I guarantee you they're better than my shitty legs. I hate my legs. In fact, if I had the choice...
Gary Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Selina · Gary: Can you make it a big one so you can stuff me inside of it and smuggle me out of here? — Of course I can. — And there might be a little raspberry surprise in them.