South Carolina

Selina:Can you fuck off? / I have always tried to be there for you. / Well, how come you failed me in algebra, Mr. Hennick?

Unknown Recruiter · Amy:How would you like the chance to help lead a visibly repugnant underdog to historic victory? / You want me to join Jonah's campaign?

Kent:Men hate women, women hate themselves. The Geraldine Ferraro principle.

Selina · Gary:I'm feeling patriotic. / Full bald eagle.

Selina:Dr. Jordan Thomas once said to me that I was the blackest white woman he ever met.

Ben · Selina:Ma'am, you do know that this time you're running against an actual black person? / She's not even all-black.

Selina:Plus, I'm gonna be Lion-Kinging Little Richard all around till I tear my rotator cuff.

Gary:I have been working for you for 18 years without a promotion.

Selina · Aide:OK, so give Gary the face-based thing. / It's 'faith-based.' / I don't care.

Selina · Gary:No talking! / No talking! / I'm hearing moving!

Jonah:OK, I'm gonna go hang myself from a sturdy pipe, and I'm not even gonna bother jacking off.

Jonah's Advisor · Jonah:You have time for a drink beforehand? / Mmm.

Jonah · Lloyd:Don't math me, Lloyd. / Math is a plot invented by the Chinese to make smart Americans feel dumb.

Lloyd · Jonah:Modern math was invented by Islamic scholars in the 7th century. / You were invented by Islamic scholars in the 7th century.

Jonah:Oh! Saint Theresa's gray-haired gunt, they're fucking again?!

Jeff:I'll jam my fist up my dick hole and pull out a 40-piece set of Danish cutlery when you're president!

Jeff:Selina Meyer is a legitimate candidate, not a human pool skimmer last used to de-spunk a Provincetown hot tub party!

Jeff:Let me know where to send the gift. Spoiler alert: It's Danish cutlery.

Selina · Marjorie:Why are you Gary? / He had an early morning meeting. / You can't just replace Gary with another lesbian and think that I'm not gonna notice what-- / Mmm. Wow, this tea is the perfect temperature.

Marjorie · Selina:Thank you, ma'am. I learned from an Afghani warlord. / We should put him on the payroll. / You killed him in a drone strike. / Oh, well.

Marjorie:You've been taking fashion advice from a man who dresses like an overgrown ventriloquist dummy.

Gary:The president hates bagels — shh-shh-shh — and she can't even be in the same room with donuts.

Gary · Blake Stein:Mr. Walsh. This is your meeting. You're in charge. / Oh, I know. I know. I know. [pause] Of course. / Can I make anyone a plate?

Selina:What up, Mojo? When are you and I gonna have that pussy-eating contest?

Senator Talbot / Kemi:You have ten minutes. I started timing the moment you knocked.

Congressman Ryan · Amy · Selina:I want vice president. / That's not negotiable. / Let's go. / No, I'm willing to negotiate. / What about Department of the Exterior? / Interior. / We're gonna negotiate against ourselves now, Amy?

Mike · Gang-Hua Li:Remembering things and reporting them back to people is not my strong suit, but I could write it down. / Please don't write it down.

Marjorie · Selina:It was in today's Line-By-Line. / You know I don't read what you give me.

Dr. Jordan Thomas Jr.:My dad said that to a lot of white women. That was his move. Now you know.

Congressman Ryan · Amy:Ask me what's on my mind. / Fine. What's on your mind, Congressman Ryan? / I'm glad you asked, because my mind's on my money... and my money's on my mind. / Laid back.

Jonah:I thought she'd be more familiar. I mean, did you at least watch Martin? 'Damn, Gina!'

Senator Talbot / Kemi:Could you give me HUD? Nobody cares about it. It's like the fat girl of Cabinet posts.

Selina:What the tragic mulatto fuck? / Kemi looks like an albino. / And I'm so black, people are gonna start calling me articulate.

Gary · Selina:Man: Outreach. Reaching out. / No.

Kent · Selina:Well, my polling shows their main wants are jobs, education, and an adequate safety net— / Okay, not gonna speak to that. / I'm not finished, ma'am. / '...to be denied to African Americans.'

Selina · Ben · Dan · Marjorie:Like a dog whistle. / Yes, exactly! / Come on, that's like a dog whisper. / You could 'reject' an endorsement from a pro-Confederacy group. / That's like a dog exploding space shuttle. / I need something loud, not too loud like-- / Dog chainsaw? / No, that's too droney. / A dog snowmobile. / Why would I know what that even sounds like? / A dog leaf blower? / Yeah, I like that.

Selina · Aide:Okay, guys, what you need to do is get me in front of huge white audiences. Huge. Huge. Something that makes a NASCAR race look like a Jay-Z concert, you know? / Actually, ma'am, Jay-Z concerts are almost all white people. / Okay, well, right? I know.

Selina:Okay, guys, what you need to do is get me in front of huge white audiences. Huge. Something that makes a NASCAR race look like a Jay-Z concert.

Selina · Mike:Where are you registered? Child Protective Services? / No, Gymboree.

Selina:I love that they make clothes in your size now, Mike.

Selina:A misfortune cookie.

Selina:Who cares about an island that doesn't have a Four Seasons on it?

Ben · Selina:'Ish.' / 'Esque.'

Ben · Selina:We are not talking about letting the Chinese influence our presidential election... And, since it is not being discussed, then I do not have to mention that you cannot trust the Chinese. And they will not sell you out in a Beijing minute. / Wait, they will or they won't? / I don't know.

Selina:Can't we 'not' not do the thing that we're not talking about?

Selina · Ben · Marjorie:Do you think Captain Lady Kangaroo heard any of that? / I don't think so. / No? Okay, good. / Fire her anyway just to be sure. / Consider her green-jeaned, ma'am.

Richard:When my uncle stole me, I don't remember where he took me, but I do have this recurring dream where I almost find out.

Richard · Bystander:Oh, it's a crop duster. They usually fly pretty low. / Not that low.

Gary:I've never been more proud I taught that man to ejaculate into a cup.

Selina · Tom James:I've heard you had a yen for Treasury. / I think a lot of my supporters would actually think that State was more appropriate. / Ouch. Things are that bad at home, huh? / Let's just say a few international tours would ease domestic tensions.

Tom James · Selina:You familiar with 'peace through strength'? / Oh. Keep talkin' like Reagan, I'll work it like Nancy.

Buddy Calhoun · Jonah:Whoops. I guess we got ourselves a 'Gift of the Magi' situation here. / I was gonna ask you for the same thing.

Jonah · Buddy:Were you gonna ask for Interior and then settle for HUD? / Dang it. So busted.

Selina:There is no way I would appoint anyone competent to anything in my cabinet.

Tom James:I'd like to give my strongest and most full-throated support to the person who has proven time and time again to be a born leader... but unfortunately that candidate has not yet emerged and shows no sign of doing so.

Selina · Ben:He just fucked me right in the ass! / Son of a bitch wouldn't endorse you. / That, too!

Amy · Selina · Leon:I mean, that's like blowing a rape whistle while you're raping somebody. / Exactly. / Speak truth to powerless.

Selina:Honeydew? If I wanna pretend to be in the CNN green room, I'll draw a face on Ben's ass and call that Christiane Amanpour.

Tanz · Jonah:Who said anything about winning? / You. I thought you said I was gonna be president. / No, you did. / Made me chuckle every time.

Tanz:Stricter marijuana laws! Ta-da! / I need potheads in my prisons. / Otherwise it's just murderers and rapists. / It makes for a very unpleasant atmosphere.

Jonah:I wish I'd aborted myself.

Tanz:Plus, I need more casino licenses for Macau. / I know it sounds a little specific, / but in the end it'll benefit all Americans.

Marjorie · Selina:Permission to roll your breasts, ma'am? / Oh, granted.

Dr. Jordan Thomas Jr.:Because this is the Lord's house. Not the White House. / But soon to be the 'Black House.'

Selina:But the real victims are the police... ing. / Policing... that America does in the South China Sea.

Selina · Congregation:It is time for America to recognize Chinese sovereignty over the Diaoyu Islands and the disputed mineral rights of the surrounding seabed. / Can I get an amen? / Woman: What? / Amen.

Mike:Today I have a BuzzFeed exclusive. We are getting the first national interview with Lurlene, Iowa's dog mayor, who it turns out is not a dog, but a human.

Richard:I'm just a mayor who now, temporarily, has a Slurpee machine in his office.

Richard · Mike:Oh, good question. / Thank you. It's actually Wendy's.

Richard · Mike:I guess I just did what anybody would do if they were there. / Except the people who were there and didn't do anything.

Keith Quinn · Selina:Wo zai zehli bangmang. (I'm here to help in Mandarin) / Uh, is that Mandarin? / Yes, it was.

Keith Quinn:I would say that we're well past the point of plausible deniability at this point.

Selina · Gary · Ben:Well, I can't think of any other reason. / Well, let's be honest. God had a lot to do with it, too. / Oh, sure! Yeah. It's a miracle. / Let's go spend twenty-five million dollars on some racist robo callers. / Praise the Lord. / Right?

Jonah:You know who else thinks that I don't have the intelligence or the 'tentrament' to be president? My very own campaign staff.

Jonah:That is my campaign chair, Amy Brookheimer. She recently had an abortion.

Jonah:And that is my chief strategist, Teddy Sykes, and he is an overgrown midget who had to be chemically castrated.

Jonah · Bill Ericsson:And that guy right there, that's Eric something. / Bill Ericsson. / That's Eric Bill Ericsson, and he thinks he's better than everybody else in this room.

Jonah:Math was created by Muslims. / Yeah. And we teach this Islamic math to children. / Math teachers are terrorists.

Teddy:I may be a registered sex offender, but I cannot be a part of this. I'm gone.

Jonah:Algebra? More like Al Jazeera.

Jonah · Crowd:Under a Ryan presidency, I will ban this Sharia math from being taught to American children. / No more math! / God fuck America. No more math! No more math!

Dan:Well, I'll tell you one thing. If we lose, it certainly won't be for lack of touching people in a Denny's.

Ben:Ben: Uh, like my prostate. / Mostly black and much larger than we'd like.

Mike · Selina:Madam President, would you like to say something to our viewers? / Sure, um, if you haven't voted, please-- / Oh, sorry. I'm getting a call. I apologize, it's Wendy.

Selina:Ben, I sold my soul to the Chinese for a lousy twenty-five million dollars.

Ben · Selina:You cannot trust the Chinese. / I married enough of them to know that. / Wait, isn't your wife Korean? / Maybe. Fog of war.

Dan:It's a total blackout.

Selina:From now on, I do what I want, I take what I want, whenever I want it. / 'New Selina Now.'

Selina:Oh, it's on the table by the chair. / So go get it.

Gary:I'm surprised they let you run for president, because you look thirty-four, tops.

Selina · Gary:Like Jodie Foster in John Hinckley's diary. / Oh, my God. I'm obsessed with her.

Selina · Gary · Ben:So who's in charge of the faith-based outreach now? / Not it. / You are. [...] And Keith Quinn'll help you out too, I think. / Yes, there you go. So, your name will be all over it. Like Jodie Foster in John Hinckley's diary.

Catherine · Gary · Selina:Shouldn't you be pre-chewing my mother's food for her? / I told her her eyes looked puffy. / Thank you, chipmunk. / You're welcome, Catherine.

Dan · Jonah campaign staffer/Leon:Wait, I'm fired? Per fucking who?! / Per Selina. I believe her words were, 'If I need another Washington douche, I'll go to the M Street Rite Aid.'

Dan · Leon:Wait, I'm fired? Per fucking who?! / Per Selina. I believe her words were, 'If I need another Washington douche, I'll go to the M Street Rite Aid.'

Leon · Gary:You should flip through your NDA. If you breathe a word of anything, to anyone, we'll slit your throat. / Later, gator!

Amy:Third place was a massive win for us. Selina Meyer and Kemi Talbot can feel Jonah Ryan breathing down their necks.

Reporter · Amy:Jonah Ryan said he's been lying to everyone the whole time. Why should anyone trust him now? / Frankly, Jonah Ryan is the only candidate who's honest about his dishonesty.

Selina · Ben:Tell my attorney to meet me in the next filler state we're in, 'cause last I heard, you can't run for office and be in prison. / Well, maybe in the House you can't.

Secret Service Agent · Jonah:Congressman Ryan, it's an honor. / Oh, yeah! This is like looking in a mirror! / Yeah, a hot mirror.

Jonah · Staff Members:I have always been transparent about how old I am. / Yeah, 55. / I believe it's 53. / Late 40s. / You're all correct.

Selina:I don't like when people get closer to talk to me. It usually means they're gonna be facing a longer prison sentence.

Unknown · Ben:...I saw Andrew. / The prosecution rests.