Testimony

Selina Meyer:I would never, ever let that happen. And if it had happened, which it absolutely did not, I would make sure that something was done about it.

Selina Meyer:Selina repeating 'Not one ounce of truth to these allegations' while being addressed as Madam President — cutting from the press to the deposition room

Selina Meyer:Don't touch me.

Questioner/Congresswoman:There's a job for you at Hallmark, Mr. Cafferty.

Witness (likely Ben Cafferty):If I had kids, which actually I do, this bill would be my baby.

Dan Egan:Read my luscious lips, no.

Questioner:You're not telling me the difference, you're just turning nouns into verbs.

Questioner · Jonah Ryan:Excuse me, Mr. Ryan. We didn't ask for your commentary on the veracity of their testimonies.

Jonah Ryan:I'm sorry that I misconducted myself and I will not do that in to the future.

Jonah Ryan:Oh, Ms. Brookheimer is a strong, independent, flexible woman. And Lord knows there aren't enough of those in DC.

Jonah Ryan:And Mr. Egan? Uh, Dan Egan is a solid five and a half, weak six.

Dan Egan:I mean, you could have Googled that.

Dan Egan:Washington needed a sacrifice, so we all ran and took out our pitchforks and we set fire to the wicker Dan.

Dan Egan:You make it sound like there's a correlation between what should happen and what actually happens.

Amy Brookheimer:Sure, I love money. But there's something else that I love and it's a little lady called the United States of America.

Questioner:That shoehorned stab at nobility will not fly here.

Amy Brookheimer:I think it's interesting that you chose me to aim that question at, insinuating that I am a money-grabbing, careerist, low-moraled... I don't know why I'm helping you here.

Questioner:There is no need to be shrill, Ms. Brookheimer.

Questioner · Dan Egan · Amy Brookheimer:Do you recall a document shared on the J-drive titled the Jonad Files? / So it's not a word combining Jonah and gonad?

Dan Egan:I can confirm that that is exactly what it is and Mr. Egan knows that.

Questioner:The Jonad Files nickname list: J-Rock, Jizzy Gillespie, Jack and the Giant Jackoff, Gaylien, Tinker Balls, Wadzilla, One Erection, The Pointless Giant, The 60-Foot Virgin, Gimpanzee, Jonah Ono, Hagrid's Nutsack, Scrotum Pole, Transgenderformers, 12 Years a Slave to Jerking Off, Benedict Come In His Own Hand, Guyscraper, The Cloud Botherer, Supercalifragilisticexpiali Dick Cheese, Teenage Mutant Ninja Asshole, Spewbacca.

Jonah Ryan:My college friends called me Tall McCartney. I preferred that. That's a good nickname.

Lee Patterson:The drama queen in me likes to say that they sacrificed me at Easter.

Lee Patterson:No, I value confidentiality and paradoxically I don't care who knows it.

Lee Patterson:They thought I was a mouse. Well, this mouse will roar.

Dan Egan:I'm gonna give you everything you need in a nice little box with a pretty red ribbon on it and then I'm gonna walk away a free man, okay? Rat and roll. Deal?

Lee Patterson:Your judgment, ma'am, is unimpeachable.

Questioner:Are you on some kind of satellite delay, Mr. Egan?

Bill Ericsson:She had no real idea, no concept of what was actually happening. I mean, she was so junior, she may have well been working in the kitchens, with all due respect to the kitchens.

Bill Ericsson:what Jimmy Cagney would have called a good kid in my opinion.

Bill Ericsson:I'll wait for a question.

Bill Ericsson:This is what I was afraid of. I'm being snowballed. I'm a victim of snowballing.

Bill Ericsson:there's an avalanche of snowballs and I'm being buried by other people's snow and it's not pure driven, it's not white snow, if you catch my drift.

Bill Ericsson:No, that was scapegoating. Again, apologies.

Campaign Manager / Davison:Well, though it may appear that there was nothing going on, I can assure you that there was... There was lots going on underneath. Like a swan or Professor Hawking.

Davison:He's the bagman, yeah, but he's also the bad man.

Davison:Okay, well, he's Keyser... I mean... You haven't seen it, so forget it.

Gary Walsh:It's just when I was originally summoned, it was a smaller hearing and executive privileges were waived and now it's like a U2 concert.

Gary Walsh:Dan is not my friend. He's a colleague. I don't know why I said we were friends. That's a fault of mine... Just kind of believing that people were friends and they're not friends. It's kind of been going on since middle school and you just caught me at a bad time.

Gary Walsh:Uh, it's very intimate. I've always imagined myself as like a pipeline who carries a lot of necessary information and I just feed it directly into her head.

Selina Meyer:Yes. Though it is no privilege to have to endure this investigation, I can tell you that.

Selina Meyer · Questioner:Can you tell me anything about the breach of federal data used in your campaign material? No. / You said that you'd help this inquiry in any way. Yes, and I have just then.

Gary Walsh:I'm a nobody. That's the truth. I'm a nobody. I'm just the guy that, like, whispers names to the president and I tell her facts about people.

Gary Walsh:Yeah. Yeah. I'm an arrogant man. I'm not a powerful, guilty, arrogant man. I'm an arrogant man.

Gary Walsh:Actually, Catherine's fiancé Jason is a lobbyist, so at times, yeah.

Selina Meyer:Um, Gary has a very limited set of skills. Mainly I would say they are picking objects up and then putting objects back down.

Selina Meyer · Questioner:He said he takes care of your sanitary needs. Is that correct? Yeah... Yeah... what?

Catherine Meyer:Yes, my fiancé is a lobbyist.

Catherine Meyer:Not apart from the fact that I am now sitting in a room with two strangers talking about it on camera.

Catherine Meyer:I mean, do you? Assuming that you have one. I don't see that you're wearing a ring, so...

Selina Meyer:I'm sorry about that. I just had to get a snack. My blood sugar was dropping.

Selina Meyer:It is also my understanding that they may no longer be engaged. So...

Catherine Meyer · Selina Meyer:Catherine reveals Jason and she may have broken up, then walks it back as Selina is clearly breaking up the engagement during testimony

Selina Meyer:I think... they may have split up. In addition to that, I will say that I'm really not certain that Ja... Jason was ever right for Catherine.

Selina Meyer:And I meant consulting. I have to go. I've got to call the president of Africa. So... I mean South Africa specifically, you know, so...

Questioner · Sue Wilson:Ms. Wilson, it has been said of you that you could organize the D-Day landings and still have time left over for Iwo Jima. / And, unlike in reality, I would have gotten Iwo Jima right.

Sue Wilson:Congressman Pierce was not disposed in a manner that was indicative of a meeting.

Questioner:I literally have no idea what that sentence means.

Sue Wilson:There's a difference between meeting someone and having a meeting with them. I once met Bill Gates, but I didn't have a 'meeting' with him.

Questioner:None of which you seem to be able to master at the present moment.

Sue Wilson:Well, I wasn't responsible for the voice memos. / So who would know about... / Mike McLintock.

Mike McLintock:I ran into them by chance because I was merely getting something from my car.

Mike McLintock · Questioner:Uh, I was getting some medicine. / What kind of medicine? / Um, it's knee medicine. / Knee medicine? / Yeah, knee medicine. For one of... just one of my knees. / Which one? / My left... left knee, Your Honor, sir.

Mike McLintock:Um, I want to say it's called... Crouch Cream. But that's not right. It's a white tube with a red label. I'm sure an intern could research this. It has a silhouette of a horse on it. I don't know why the horse is on there. I guess horses probably have good knees.

Mike McLintock:Knee-Z. Knee-Z Cream. / I don't think that's it. It's searchable.

Mike McLintock:I guess that's why they say don't work with animals or technology. I mean, that's why 'Jaws' was such a nightmare shoot. I mean, mechanical shark, forget it.

Mike McLintock:Oh, Knee Free. That's the cream. Knee Free, if you...

Selina Meyer · Mike McLintock:Selina's voice: Ben, are Dan and Amy on course? It can't happen.

Mike McLintock · Questioner:Well, that could be about anything. Probably about them... you know, mating. / And it can't happen? / It can't happen that we lose this vote.

Mike McLintock · Questioner:Well, she was feverish. / So you're saying she wasn't in a fit state to govern? / No, I'm not saying that. If I was saying that, then that's what I would have said.

Mike McLintock:You know, that lady, she could govern herself through leprosy.

Selina Meyer:I wouldn't say that we're friends. I would say that we are friendly.

Selina Meyer:I'm president. I don't have time for friends.

Jonah Ryan · Questioner:I was touched. / Who touched you? / I would rather not say at this time. / Or any.

Questioner:Setting their identity aside, where did this person touch you?

Jonah Ryan · Questioner:he touched me in a private place. / Can you be more specific? Was it the buttocks? / No. No. / It was... it was around the other side.

Questioner:The crotch, presumably. / Was there ever any contact between testicles and hands?

Jonah Ryan:I thought that this was supposed to be about lobbying. And it seems clear that the congresswoman is pulling focus away from the main concern of this panel.

Jonah Ryan:Similarly with Ms. Brookheimer's dress. / She can't have believed that this would work. She never looks this humble.

Jonah Ryan · Questioner:She is playing you like a cheap... / Careful. / Like an Xbox.

Questioner:I'd like to hear more on the charges of molestation. Go ahead. / Was there ever any contact between testicles and hands?

Jonah Ryan:No. Never. My... spheres were always clothed. I was in the workplace, so I...

Jonah Ryan · Questioner:Did he always grope both testicles? / I'm sorry, but can I be asked that question by a male committee member? / No, I asked the question. / I'm sorry. I forgot the question.

Questioner · Dan Egan:Did your abuser touch both of your testicles? / Thank you, Mr. Egan.

Richard Splett:I also saw it. I can't stop... I can't stop thinking about it. It's... you know, it's like a bell. It can't be unrung. / Where did you see it happen? / It was around the spheres.

Richard Splett · Questioner:I meant what area of the workplace. / Oh, yes. No, I'm sorry. Yes. / It was in a hallway. Same time as Dan. In fact, he was coming to fire Jonah as a scapegoat for the child mortality data breach. Oh!

Richard Splett:Actually, I'd like to plead the fifth. I'd like to plead the fifth, please.

Questioner · Ben Cafferty:Are you gonna continue to answer every question with a one-word answer, Mr. Cafferty? / No. / I am not.

Senator:Gary Walsh, you need to understand, is a 12-year-old boy trapped in the body of a 12-year-old girl.

Senator:Bill... [long pause] ...Ericsson. It was the director of communications Bill Ericsson.

Bill Ericsson:Do you want me to take off my shirt so that you can see all the knife handles sticking out of my back?

Selina Meyer:Yes, I got that. I took noticing in high school.

Jonah Ryan:It's like I'm on the sacrificial altar and suddenly everyone is wearing hoods.

Jonah Ryan:Jonah Ryan is strong. And if Jonah Ryan can help one man who is dealing with workplace sexual harassment, then this entire ordeal will have been worth it. / Watch this space.

Bill Ericsson:You know, there are probably fairer trials happening right now in the back of parking lots where the defendant is wearing a mailbag on his head.

Questioner · Final Witness:Please raise your right hand. Your right hand. / Sorry, I was practicing in the mirror.

Final Witness:Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you're about to give is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God? / Absolutely. Excited to do it.