Facing increased scrutiny heading into Super Tuesday, Selina visits Mike to deflect attention from Andrew's legal troubles. Jonah and Amy ramp up their anti-Selina campaign rhetoric. Dan attempts to exploit Richard.
Political chaos peaks at 1.94 jokes per minute, yet character comedy anchors the mayhem.
Directed by Becky Martin · Written by Gabrielle Allan, Jennifer Crittenden, Ted Cohen
WAR
208
Wins Above Replacement
“Super Tuesday” ranks #13 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 96.5 — Elite. The episode packs 130 scored jokes at 2.9 per minute, averaging 7.6 on craft and 7.6 on impact, with Selina Meyer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Andrew Meyer: Honestly, I don't think people are gonna buy that a guy who calls vaginas 'crinkum-crankums' is gonna be able to pull off some sort of multimillion-dollar fraud.
Dan Egan · Richard Splett: No, that's not what he said. He didn't say that. / No, no, no, Dan is right. / Dan: Thank you. / Sidney made the offer. Con-Ag-Chem is a company, it can't talk. / Hilarious. A talking company. Where would the mouth even be?
Keith Quinn · Selina Meyer: Your false accusations are working, ma'am. / Oh. Then they're no longer false.
Leon · Selina Meyer: We no longer use the Rosa story. / What are you talking about?! It kills every time. Tears! / Rosa was deported this morning. / Well, that's impossible, because I made her up. / Well, no, actually, ma'am, there's a Rosa Sanchez in Tennessee who has four kids and the exact same dead-end jobs.
Leon: Oh, yeah, right out of my Stephen Glass-hole.
Leon Wordplay/Pun Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Callback All Jokes — 130 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Reporter · Richard Splett: Mayor Splett, how does it feel to be the hero of 7-Eleven? / Oh, I'm no hero. I'm just a mayor.
Staffer · Selina Meyer: Poll watchers are reporting that over 48,000 black voters were turned away. / I think the Chinese just delivered.
Leon · Selina Meyer (quoted): 'If I need another Washington douche, I'll go to the M Street Rite-Aid.'
Selina Meyer: That's an hour and 29 minutes too long in that former Indian concentration camp.
Leon · Selina Meyer: Here's your speech, ma'am. I dumbed it down even more. / Good, 'cause the last one looked like the toilet bowl after William F. Buckley ate a thesaurus.
Ben · Selina Meyer: Kemi has been getting some death threats. / Well, then we should leak some of my death threats, OK? I get some, don't I?
Leon · Selina Meyer: 'I'm gonna break your fat arms and strangle you--' / Wait. I don't have fat arms. / That's just criminally insane-- and regular insane.
Selina Meyer · Leon: Pick another one. A plausible one. / 'Someone should put a bullet in your shriveled old face.' / No!
Selina Meyer · Leon: Just make up some death threats that are nicer. / OK, I'll come up with a dozen.
Selina Meyer · Gary: Gary, go find out where we are.
Leon · Selina Meyer: We no longer use the Rosa story. / What are you talking about?! It kills every time. Tears! / Rosa was deported this morning. / Well, that's impossible, because I made her up. / Well, no, actually, ma'am, there's a Rosa Sanchez in Tennessee who has four kids and the exact same dead-end jobs.
Leon: Oh, yeah, right out of my Stephen Glass-hole.
Leon Wordplay/Pun Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Callback Selina Meyer: Tell my attorney to meet me in the next filler state we're in.
Selina Meyer · Ben: 'Cause last I heard, you can't run for office and be in prison. / Ben: Maybe in the House you can.
Ben: Your unfavorables are rising past 'accidental ethnic slur' right into 'men's room incident.'
Ben Observational Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina Meyer · Catherine: This is the face of clinical depression, ma'am. / With the hair of a mental patient. / Oh, my kingdom for a beret.
Selina Meyer · Gary: if anyone should be depressed, it's me, but I am stable as fuck. / Yeah, you are!
Selina Meyer · Karen: Andrew might be cutting a deal, which would just destroy me. / I have to stop you there, ma'am. Andrew has hired me as his new attorney. / Oh -- Thank God. / So you can talk him out of this deal, right? / But it's a very good deal. For him.
Selina Meyer · Karen: Karen... you understand that... when I am elected president again, I can issue Andrew a full pardon. Right? / I wish you hadn't told me that. / And yet I'm also glad that you did. / I might be able to use it against you. / I wouldn't... unless I have to.
Selina Meyer: Well, this has been a dry fuck on a sandy beach.
Ben · Selina Meyer: Any luck with the human Mobius strip? / Andrew's cutting a deal. / I could go to jail. / I don't look good in jumpsuits. / I mean, I do, but I don't. Ya know.
Selina Meyer: call it the Washington Post like a non-asshole
Selina Meyer: stop staring at me like I'm some sort of teenage runaway that you just strangled.
Selina Meyer: this is like having two different Senators with their hands up my skirt. / Which actually happened to me once during a Supreme Court confirmation.
Selina Meyer · Ben: The Joseph Goebbels playbook. Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty. / Steal from the best.
Selina Meyer: Just give it to one of those gay-converting Baptist colleges to fund a statue of a gold-plated Jesus fucking a triceratops.
Amy · Jonah Ryan: All right, Congressman Slender Man. / Don't say his name.
Jonah Ryan · Beth: No, I told Beth that we could go to Arkansas so she could give me a hand job in a hot spring. / It's my birthday.
Amy · Jonah Ryan: especially with melanoma-loving swamp fuckers, storm-ravaged climate deniers, and deadbeat dads... and deadbeat moms. / Those are my peeps.
Jonah Ryan: Thirty-eight dollars? That's like a shitty gift that you get from your asshole grandmother. / If Selina Meyer did this, she'd get, like, a thousand dollars because she's, like, a thousand years old.
Dan Egan: Holy shit, Bruckheimer, when you get an abortion, you're supposed to leave the mangled fetus at the clinic, not staple it to the skeleton of a gay condor and run it for president.
Dan Egan Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Jonah Ryan · Amy Brookheimer: Well, hello, darlin'. / What Saudi prince's rape dungeon did you finger-trowel your way out of?
Amy Brookheimer · Jonah Ryan: Uh... Jonah's rape dungeon? / Oh ho! In your face!
Amy Brookheimer · Jonah Ryan: All right, anyway, I have the pleasure of informing you, Congressman Slender Man-- / Mm-mm. / Amy: Nope, beat you to it.
Jonah Ryan · Agent Youngblood: Youngblood? Oh, that's my favorite Rob Lowe movie. / ... / Oh, yeah! This is like looking in a mirror. / Yeah, a hot mirror.
Amy Brookheimer: Chances are you're still likely to get assassinated, but the killer, may God guide his hand, will just have to work a little harder.
Dan Egan · Amy Brookheimer: Sincerest congratulations on all your life choices, Amy. / Thank you. It pays quite well. / Have a good weepy slide down the shower wall this evening.
Amy Brookheimer · Will: Will's got a full day ahead of him. Tell 'em what you gotta do, Will. / I was hoping to finally finish my passion project. / Which is? / Rerouting my urethra to behind my balls so that I have to sit to pee like a real girl.
Dan Egan · Richard Splett: Sit your hawk asses down! / Not you, Richard.
Dan Egan: Except for the 7-Eleven truthers. They say that no Jewish people were working in the store that day, but there's no Jewish people in Lurlene, so...
Richard Splett · Dan Egan: Dan, there's no easy way to say this, but given your reputation, there's no dipping your quill in the company ink. / Copy that. / I mean sex. / Got it. / By that, I mean Willa.
Mike McLintock: Mike: I wouldn't be doing my job, Madam President, if I didn't ask the question that's on everybody's mind: / Is that a new hairstyle?
Selina Meyer · Mike McLintock: Well, what we really should be talking about is Senator Talbot's husband and the longstanding accusations against him. / Oh. Well, let's go with that one. / That sounds juicy.
Selina Meyer: Well, you said it, not me, but I also say it.
Jonah Ryan · Rick: Yeah, why go to the doctor and get a shot for something you don't even have? / Yeah, I didn't get Clay vaccinated because it causes autism, and now he just has a little bit of autism.
Jonah Ryan · Amy Brookheimer: Yeah, and when I was a kid, they said the best case scenario was I had autism. / Fuckin' look at me now. / Don't use that line up there.
Jonah Ryan · Rick: Rick, there's a gun in the front row. / What? Jonah? / Ha ha ha ha! Made you look!
Jonah Ryan: Wish me luck, meat shield.
Jonah Ryan · Amy Brookheimer: Right. If I could digress from my prepared remarks... / How would anyone know?
Jonah Ryan · Crowd: When are you from? When! Are! You! From?! / (crowd chanting) When are you from?
Selina Meyer: They have an actual crowd there? / What, are they giving away free Tommy Bahama dick cozies?
Staffer · Selina Meyer · Gary: Just show 'em your birth certificate. / While we're at it, why don't we show 'em my estrogen patch prescription and a Polaroid of my stretch marks? / You mean your wisdom stripes.
Selina Meyer · Kent · Ben · Gary: I have always been open and transparent about how old I am. / Yeah, 55. / I believe it's 53. / Late 40s. / You're all correct.
Selina Meyer · Gary: Gary, I need to switch out my estrogen patch. / Mm. Should I slip in a little swirl of progesterone for you? / You can surprise me.
Selina Meyer: Me so complicit. Me go jail long time.
Selina Meyer: All right. The Houston Chronicle is reporting that Kemi voters have somehow got the idea that if they vote in the primaries, they're gonna get an IRS audit.
Selina Meyer · Keith Quinn: Keith, I don't want to know how you did that. / Well, Facebook'll walk you through it step by step. / You know what? Maybe it's best if you don't update us so much.
Ben · Selina Meyer: Is Andrew tied in with the Chinese? / I-I don't know. I mean, he's always had a thing for Asians. / So do I, but if Andrew starts talking to the grand jury about, you know, you and China--
Selina Meyer: This was supposed to be just a little simple bit of election-rigging! / Fuck!
Gary · Selina Meyer: I have your estrogen patch, if you'd like. / You wear it. Maybe you'll grow some hair on your vagina!
Sidney Purcell · Richard Splett: Do you know anything about pesticides? / Not as much as I'd like.
Richard Splett · Sidney Purcell: You know, down at the feed store they're saying your new seeds cause cancer. / Well, we've paid for seven studies that say that it doesn't. / Seven? Wow. / Yeah, seven. Lucky sevens. / That's good enough for me. Can't argue with science.
Dan Egan · OB-GYN Doctor: I'm sorry, um, you look so familiar to me. / Mmm. / Did, uh, did we...? / Oh, no! I'm an OB-GYN.
OB-GYN Doctor · Dan Egan: You brought a woman into my clinic to have her pregnancy terminated. / Could you be a little more specific? / I'm actually worried she might have some sort of thyroid issue because of her eyes. / Oh! Amy. / Yeah, Amy.
Dan Egan · OB-GYN Doctor: Reminds me, I gotta Apple Pay her for my half. / Hey, can I buy ya a drink? / You can buy me half a drink.
Selina Meyer: When women fall apart, they really fuckin' fall apart!
Selina Meyer · Gary: Did you take the coconut out of my muesli for tomorrow morning? / No. No. / And you know what you need to do? You need to use tweezers this time because I really thought I could taste your fingers.
Selina Meyer · Andrew Meyer: Wow, I've been trying to track you down for days. / Hearing you say that really takes me back.
Selina Meyer · Andrew Meyer: About Catherine's freshman year roommate. / She had done a gap year abroad. She was not a true freshman.
Selina Meyer: I should have really married that gay guy my mother liked.
Andrew Meyer: We cleaned a teeny-tiny bit of money through the Meyer Fund -- low nine figures. / And that faith-based thing was a godsend.
Andrew Meyer: I know him as Luther. We met in Macao at the shark fights.
Andrew Meyer: Honestly, I don't think people are gonna buy that a guy who calls vaginas 'crinkum-crankums' is gonna be able to pull off some sort of multimillion-dollar fraud.
Andrew Meyer · Selina Meyer: Besides: women's prison. / Yeah. / Wall-to-wall crinkum-crankum.
Amy Brookheimer · Jonah Ryan: God, is that what a real orgasm feels like? / Ugh. Do women have those?
Jonah Ryan: Oh, and I should probably call Rick's mom too, just because she's probably still pretty sore from last night when I was all up in that... ♪ Puss-ay-ay-yay ♪
Marjorie Palmiotti · Selina Meyer: I think you know I'm a very traditional woman, though I do seek to topple the patriarchy by queering hetero-normative tropes. / Are you talking about your outfit?
Selina Meyer · Marjorie Palmiotti: I love the work that you do on the Meyer Fund very much. / Thank you, ma'am. / Although I personally don't know anything about it / because you're the complete mastermind behind it, right?
Marjorie Palmiotti · Selina Meyer: Are you recording this conversation, ma'am? / That is a bizarre thing to say. / Well, the flowers have been moved, and... Andrew's phone.
Selina Meyer: They're not misdeeds. / They were exploited opportunities.
Marjorie Palmiotti: ...by some magical combination of abuse and neglect managed to create the perfect daughter.
Marjorie Palmiotti · Selina Meyer · Andrew Meyer: I would like to ask both of you for Catherine's hand in marriage. / Oh! / Whoa! / Wow. / You have our blessing. / Yes, you have our blessing. Absolutely.
Selina Meyer · Marjorie Palmiotti: Can I ask you a question, Marjorie? / Of course, ma'am. / Why would you buy that cow? / Oh. When I can get the milk for free. Very good, ma'am.
Andrew Meyer · Selina Meyer: I still have Mee-Maw's boat. / The Labor Day? / Mm-hmm. / You told me it sank. / I told you I reported it sunk to insurance.
Andrew Meyer: You know I've long felt a deep connection with the land of Israel and their non-extradition treaty.
Selina Meyer: You can't just disappear, and I can't have people thinking I'm Jewish. / We're right in the middle of the primaries.
Andrew Meyer · Selina Meyer: The only thing they have on you is me. / Well, that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me.
Andrew Meyer · Selina Meyer: But I'm gonna need some walkin'-around money. / Here we go. What-- I mean, how far do you have to walk?
Keith Quinn · Selina Meyer: Your false accusations are working, ma'am. / Oh. Then they're no longer false.
Kent Davison: That's the best explanation of democracy I've ever heard.
Ben · Selina Meyer · Ben: Also, they found Rosa Sanchez in El Salvador. / Who? / The fake real woman from your speech? / Just in the nick of time. She was about to be stoned by the local child army.
Selina Meyer: I don't like when people feel they have to get closer to talk to me. / It usually means I'm gonna be facing a longer prison sentence.
Selina Meyer · Kent Davison: We talked about a trip he might take out of the country... / I will add tampering to our list of charges. / But if we were able to give him a going-away gift, uh, he might be able to turn it into a stay-cation. / And bribery.
Selina Meyer · Kent Davison · Gary: How much is left in that whole faith-space-- / Kent: Faith-based. / I spent it all on Bibles for the homeless.
Selina Meyer · Gary · Ben: You spent millions... / Yes, yes, I did. / ...on leather-bound hobo toilet paper. / Mmm. I hope they don't use the New Testament for that.
Radio caller · Mike McLintock: I was an alcoholic, I was in a relationship with a blonde, uncaring bug-eyed rage-aholic. / I used to work with someone just like that.
Selina Meyer (on phone) · Mike McLintock: What's going on with this chair? It's too low. / Hint: We could still use the changing table, or bye-bye ping pong. / Oh, that's actually a cute name. Are you gonna keep that?
Selina Meyer (phone) · Keith Quinn (via Mike's show): I need some help for my ex from your friends in the East. / Oh, I thought we were putting our little arrangement on the back burner?
Selina Meyer · Mike McLintock · Radio co-host: My daughter Catherine is getting married to her lady friend Marjorie. / That's amazing! Isn't that great, buddy? / Well, the Bible is actually very clear-- / Selina: But now I have to run.
Ben · Selina Meyer: Any date for the wedding? / Huh? / Any date for the wedding? / Oh, who gives a shit.
Reporter · Dan Egan · Richard Splett: Are you referring to Sidney Purcell, the Con-Ag-Chem Fam Farm lobbyist? / I'm so sorry. We don't have any time for more questions. / Actually, Dan, that did sound like a question.
Dan Egan · Richard Splett: No, that's not what he said. He didn't say that. / No, no, no, Dan is right. / Dan: Thank you. / Sidney made the offer. Con-Ag-Chem is a company, it can't talk. / Hilarious. A talking company. Where would the mouth even be?
Kent Davison · Selina Meyer: Your mother's boat, the Labor Day, exploded off the coast of Florida this afternoon. / Andrew was the only person aboard. / No, uh-uh. 'Cause he was going to Cuba. / A... lledgedly.
Selina Meyer · Staffer: Oh, wow. Rosa. / Oh, my good friend. / That's not Rosa. / N-- Oh? Oh! / There she is. / That must be your mother. / My sister. / Your si-- sister. OK.
Rosa Sanchez · Selina Meyer: They put me on a plane and sent me to Mexico. / That's a terrible... place. / I did nothing wrong. / No, well, I did nothing wrong. / I'm-- I'm just trying to run for president here. / You don't know how lucky you have it, really, to tell you the truth.
Selina Meyer: I want to be alone. (to camera)
Catherine Meyer · Selina Meyer: Mom, I can't believe that you ruined Marjorie's proposal all over the internet. / Catherine, I have just gotten some terrible news about your father, uh, being lost at sea, and you are up my ass about some proposal bullshit? For real?
Selina Meyer · Keith Quinn: Andrew is blown up. / Did you do that? Did you fucking do that?! / Hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey! / I have no idea what you're talking about, Madame President, but you did say to take care of it.
Selina Meyer · Keith Quinn: OK, sure, but I didn't-- I didn't say it in a 'take care of it' kind of way. / I just said take care of it. / And it was pretty clear. You said, 'Take care of it,' / and then you gave me a look. / Not a 'blow him to kingdom-fucking-come' look! / No, no, no. Listen, your eyebrows did not move at all. / Because I have had Botox!
Selina Meyer · Gary: We have to find someone who can read Mandarin but have no idea what it means. / Like a brain-damaged Chinaman. / Or woman. / Or woman. Sorry. / Or the adopted child of someone with brain damage.
Jonah Ryan · Amy Brookheimer: Oh, yeah. No, that makes sense, I was born in Toronto. / Toronto... Canada?
Jonah Ryan · Agent Youngblood: Uh-oh, I think I know what that's about. / (Agent Youngblood smiles knowingly at Jonah's mother's nausea)
Jonah Ryan: I have repeatedly called for Selina Meyer to release her birth certificate, but as everybody on my elementary school playground knows, I am not afraid to show you mine.
Jonah Ryan: Name: Jonah Joy Ryan. / Weight: six pounds. Length: twenty-six inches. / Yeah, that's right, twenty-six inches.
Jonah Ryan · Beth: Father... [pause] / Excuse me. / Beth: Jonah. / [Jonah looks at the birth certificate in shock]
Jonah Ryan · Nancy (mom) · Beth: Lloyd is my real dad? / Oh, of course he is. / I tried to tell you a hundred times, Jonie. / Do you want a snack? / No. I'm not talking to y-- / Fine. Mac and cheese. / I can't believe this. / And ketchup.
Nancy (mom) · Jonah Ryan: That's why we went to Canada. We didn't tell anyone because Lloyd and I are second cousins. / God, Mom, that is vomitrocious.
Jonah Ryan · Nancy (mom): I could have been born with something wrong with me. / ...I never thought that this would be a problem...
Jonah Ryan · Nancy (mom) · Beth: Wait, is Lloyd still my dad? / Yeah, nobody knows. / But you're now officially my stepsister. / Half sister.
Jonah Ryan · Nancy (mom): I want Lloyd to not be my dad! / Me too.
Selina Meyer · Mike McLintock: Yes, but often, when a child gets a new baby brother, they can feel neglected and-- and low self-esteem. / Catherine, for one. / Well, yes, exactly. / And she didn't even have a baby brother. So--
Ben · Selina Meyer: I just talked to my guy in the Southern District. / They're dropping the investigation into the Meyer Fund. / No! / Without Andrew, the whole thing just blew up. / Sorry.
Selina Meyer: Is this what it feels like to be a man?
Ellen (child) · Selina Meyer: Who is Mon-tiz-uh? / Montez. / Wait a minute-- 'By giving Meyer the nomination, they can ensure a Montez presidency'? / I want to be president when I grow up. / You cannot.
Selina Meyer: We can't even commit treason right?!
Ellen (child) · Selina Meyer: What about my present? / Uh, I'm giving it to your brother.
News · Dan Egan: More than a dozen Iowa government officials are in hot water. The lieutenant governor, along with several state senators, have all been arrested for accepting improper campaign contributions from Con-Ag-Chem Family Farms. / Bye-bye, Sidney.
Selina Meyer · Ben: I've got way more foreign policy experience than that half-wit Kemi. / I think it's pronounced half-white.
Selina Meyer · Kent Davison: That is highly classified. / I'm sorry Selina, you have left me with no choice.
Kent Davison · Selina Meyer: Ha! / That was your phone.