Super Tuesday

Mayor Splett, how does it feel to be the hero of 7-Eleven? Oh, I'm no hero. I'm just a mayor.

If I need another Washington douche, I'll go to the M Street Rite-Aid.

That's an hour and 29 minutes too long in that former Indian concentration camp.

Good, 'cause the last one looked like the toilet bowl after William F. Buckley ate a thesaurus.

Wait. I don't have fat arms. That's just criminally insane-- and regular insane.

Just make up some death threats that are nicer.

Oh, my God, you conjured her! Yeah, right out of my Stephen Glass-hole.

He's my ex-husband.

I can't hear you, so you're gonna have to repeat that.

Maybe in the House you can.

Your unfavorables are rising past 'accidental ethnic slur' right into 'men's room incident.'

This is the face of clinical depression, ma'am. With the hair of a mental patient.

Oh, my kingdom for a beret.

if anyone should be depressed, it's me, but I am stable as fuck.

I wish you hadn't told me that. And yet I'm also glad that you did. I might be able to use it against you. I wouldn't... unless I have to.

Well, this has been a dry fuck on a sandy beach.

Any luck with the human Mobius strip?

I don't look good in jumpsuits. I mean, I do, but I don't. Ya know.

call it the Washington Post like a non-asshole

this is like having two different Senators with their hands up my skirt. Which actually happened to me once during a Supreme Court confirmation.

I thought it was Kent. I assumed it was you.

The Joseph Goebbels playbook. Accuse the other side of that which you are guilty. Steal from the best.

Just give it to one of those gay-converting Baptist colleges to fund a statue of a gold-plated Jesus fucking a triceratops.

Don't say his name.

No, I told Beth that we could go to Arkansas so she could give me a hand job in a hot spring. It's my birthday.

Your particular brand of crazy is polling very high here in Florida, especially with melanoma-loving swamp fuckers, storm-ravaged climate deniers, and deadbeat dads... and deadbeat moms.

Thirty-eight dollars? That's like a shitty gift that you get from your asshole grandmother.

- Whatever. I'd still do her. - I'm down to clown.

Holy shit, Bruckheimer, when you get an abortion, you're supposed to leave the mangled fetus at the clinic, not staple it to the skeleton of a gay condor and run it for president.

What Saudi prince's rape dungeon did you finger-trowel your way out of?

Nope, beat you to it.

Youngblood? Oh, that's my favorite Rob Lowe movie.

Rerouting my urethra to behind my balls so that I have to sit to pee like a real girl.

Sit your hawk asses down!

Except for the 7-Eleven truthers. They say that no Jewish people were working in the store that day, but there's no Jewish people in Lurlene, so...

there's no dipping your quill in the company ink. Copy that. I mean sex. Got it. By that, I mean Willa.

Is that a new hairstyle?

Are they biased against you? Well, you said it, not me, but I also say it.

Yeah, I didn't get Clay vaccinated because it causes autism, and now he just has a little bit of autism.

How would anyone know?

When are you from? When! Are! You! From?!

What, are they giving away free Tommy Bahama dick cozies?

You mean your wisdom stripes.

While we're at it, why don't we show 'em my estrogen patch prescription and a Polaroid of my stretch marks?

I believe it's 53. Late 40s. You're all correct.

Me so complicit. Me go jail long time.

we're gonna keep our wangs out of your Chinese fuckin' finger trap.

he's always had a thing for Asians. So do I

This was supposed to be just a little simple bit of election-rigging!

You wear it. Maybe you'll grow some hair on your vagina!

That's good enough for me. Can't argue with science.

Oh! Amy. Yeah, Amy. Reminds me, I gotta Apple Pay her for my half.

When women fall apart, they really fuckin' fall apart!

you need to use tweezers this time because I really thought I could taste your fingers.

She had done a gap year abroad. She was not a true freshman.

I should have really married that gay guy my mother liked.

I know him as Luther. We met in Macao at the shark fights.

I don't think people are gonna buy that a guy who calls vaginas 'crinkum-crankums' is gonna be able to pull off some sort of multimillion-dollar fraud.

Besides: women's prison. Yeah. Wall-to-wall crinkum-crankum.

Oh, yeah. No, that makes sense, I was born in Toronto.

♪ Puss-ay-ay-yay ♪ ♪ In that puss-ay-ay-yay ♪

I think I can see you nodding your head 'yes'...

by some magical combination of abuse and neglect managed to create the perfect daughter.

Why would you buy that cow? Oh. When I can get the milk for free.

I told you I reported it sunk to insurance.

You can't just disappear, and I can't have people thinking I'm Jewish. We're right in the middle of the primaries.

Basically a two-woman race to see who is less offensive to the American people. That's the best explanation of democracy I've ever heard.

You spent millions... Yes, yes, I did. ...on leather-bound hobo toilet paper.

I was in a relationship with a blonde, uncaring bug-eyed rage-aholic. I used to work with someone just like that.

Are you gonna keep that? Morning! Shh!

My daughter Catherine is getting married to her lady friend Marjorie.

Hilarious. A talking company. Where would the mouth even be?

A... lledgedly.

That's not Rosa. N-- Oh? Oh! There she is. That must be your mother. My sister. Your si-- sister. OK.

President Montez. Sure, why not.

I distinctly remember you saying 'Take care of it.' OK, sure, but I didn't-- I didn't say it in a 'take care of it' kind of way. I just said take care of it.

Because I have had Botox!

Like a brain-damaged Chinaman. Or woman. Or woman. Sorry. Or the adopted child of someone with brain damage.

Name: Jonah Joy Ryan. Weight: six pounds. Length: twenty-six inches. Yeah, that's right, twenty-six inches.

Lloyd is my real dad? Of course he is. I tried to tell you a hundred times, Jonie.

We didn't tell anyone because Lloyd and I are second cousins. God, Mom, that is vomitrocious.

Wait, is Lloyd still my dad? Yeah, nobody knows. But you're now officially my stepsister. Half sister.

Is this what it feels like to be a man?

Goddamnit! We can't even commit treason right?!

I think it's pronounced half-white.

Ha! That was your phone.