Selina tries to arrange a meeting via her Finnish contact Minna. Gary helps Catherine plan a big event. Jonah and Amy push an anti-vax message in Pennsylvania. Mike finds a new home. Richard may have an enemy.
Ninety jokes in forty-three minutes—Veep's densest finale run-up hits series peak velocity.
Directed by Brad Hall · Written by Steve Hely, Ian Maxtone-Graham, Dan Mintz
WAR
211.2
Wins Above Replacement
“Oslo” ranks #10 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 97.5 — Elite. The episode packs 125 scored jokes at 2.9 per minute, averaging 7.7 on craft and 7.6 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Selina · Lu: You can have Tibet. / What? / Yeah. You can have Tibet back. Are you fucking kidding me? / No. Right after the election, you can have it back.
Selina Lu Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Minna: So I droned a couple wedding civilians on the wrong side of the Af-Pak border. / I thought you were talking about your daughter's wedding to your homosexual doppelganger.
Selina: As the former president of the United States, truth and justice can gargle my balls.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: Oh, God Almighty. I-- / So maybe I should just wrap this up. / Shall we scroll, um, ahead, please? / Could you just-- Yes. / Wait-- Yes. / Tibet must always be free. Free today, free tomorrow, free forever. Oh, God.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: I feel like the Grim Reaper just dropped his scythe and started eating me out!
Selina Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 125 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Unknown dignitary: Selina Meyer! The woman who freed Tibet!
Staff member: It's kinda like the Peace Prize Junior.
Selina: The American voters don't know the difference, and, frankly, neither do I.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: I wanna sound like Bono trying to impress his own reflection in the mirror.
Selina Character Comedy Observational Selina · Leon: Tibet, Tibet, Tibet. / You bet, you bet, you bet.
Selina: Hey-- Was that Colonel Al-Saleh, the Butcher of Juba, back there by the carving station?
Selina Dark/Subversive Observational Staff member: The Nobel people don't ask too many questions if you buy a table. Ma'am, at this point, they're just trying to avoid losing the building.
Selina: My Nobel prize really makes the point that I've got way more foreign policy experience than that half-wit Kemi.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Staff member · Selina: I think it's pronounced 'half-white.' / Well, 'tomato, mulatto.'
Selina: as long as someone lets me have mini-vegan pigs in gluten-free blankets at the reception
Selina Character Comedy Observational Selina: Because without an American marriage license, U.S. community property laws do not apply, my darling.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina: That's fine. You and your maid of honor here can sit me next to whatever Injun Joe you want.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Staff member: Ma'am, Lu's people have been Great-Walling us.
Staff member (Ben or Kent): Lu developed a real hankering for Finnish furburger back at Camp David. He eye-fucked her so bad he got retinal herpes.
Unknown staffer · Unknown staffer 2: I don't get the attraction. / Oh, I do.
Minna · Selina: So, my last three lovers, they are complaining that my naughty talk is both incessant and soporific. / Maybe you should let 'em choke you. / You think they would rather choke me than listen to me talk? / I can only speak for myself.
Selina · Murman: Oh, my gosh, I didn't know you were still alive. / The Russians reinstalled me when they invaded Georgia. Ha! / Factory reboot. / Both: Beep-boop-beep-beep-boop.
Selina Murman Character Comedy Absurdist Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina · Murman: Both: Beep-boop-beep-beep-boop.
Murman · Selina: I recently bought an English football club. / Oh, wonderful! / Leeds United. / No English players, so pretty good team.
Murman · Selina: What if I gave you money to help you win your election? / America does not stand for foreign interference in our elections! Who do you think that I am? / Yes, of course. Of course. / It's an outrage! / New topic. New topic. / I want to buy your Palm Beach house for $114 million.
Murman Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Murman · Selina: I'd rather deal with the Russian mob than with those real estate people. It's because they're unethical, that's what they are. Because they are working on commissions. Yes! Six percent? It's abject greed, in my view.
Murman: The 114 million would be wired from the Seychelles to Malta, then back to the Seychelles, and then to you.
Murman Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Murman: White people problems, right?
Murman Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Kent: Lu's looking for the tickee in someone's shirtee.
Kent Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Minna · Unknown staffer: He seems quite excited. / Yeah, we could see that from here.
Ben or Kent: Or else we'll tell the whole world how you vaporized a DRA leader's wedding with Hellfire missiles and also took a huge laser-guided shit all over Pakistani sovereignty
Ben or Kent: It was classified-- until somebody on your staff clicked on 'Asian Girls Bound and Gagged.'
Selina: Oh, Ben. / Or Kent. / Or Leon. Oh, God. / Or Marjorie. I mean, I--
Selina Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Amy: Jonah's anti-vaccination message is bringing together an unheard-of mix of Orthodox Jews, uneducated fringe conspiracists, and Kombucha-douching private school moms.
Amy Character Comedy Observational Dan: Look. If we go to Kentucky, it's gonna look like a wang. The Great Lakes'll be like the spooey.
Dan Character Comedy Visual Gag Jonah · Siri: Jonah, it's your dad again. It's the tenth time today. / Hey, Siri, you fuck my dad? / Siri: I don't know how to respond to that. / Typical woman.
Jonah: Pennsylvania, you have the second-lowest vaccination rate in the nation, and when I am elected president, you will be number one!
Jonah Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Gary: The menu has been an atrocity. The guests are vegan, and the president won't eat anything without a face.
Gary Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina · Minna: So I droned a couple wedding civilians on the wrong side of the Af-Pak border. / I thought you were talking about your daughter's wedding to your homosexual doppelganger.
Selina · Minna: 'Droned a wedding' is, uh, American slang for... 'I got it, I nailed it.' / No, no, no. Really. Like, 'I droned that wedding, man!' / I do not think that it is slang of any kind. / Oh, I guarantee you it is. Ask anyone... here--
Selina Minna Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback CBS Executive · Mike: Mike, we have made a lot of mistakes here at CBS News. / I know, right? / But I think you could be a big part of turning that around.
CBS Executive · Mike: And the horrible wife? / She's horrible! / A lot of that stuff I didn't know I was doing until people pointed it out. / See? Keep that sense of humor.
Minna · Selina: All the time. Aung San Suu Kyi, Henry Kissinger, and also, the prize that you're getting, it is not the Peace Prize. / Oh, don't start with that! / It is a second-tier Peace Prize. / No. / It is made of very hard plastic.
Minna Selina Deadpan/Understatement Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Minna: Ha! / That was your phone.
Minna: I called Interpol before we got in the car.
Minna Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: As the former president of the United States, truth and justice can gargle my balls.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: That's because Autistic Barbie here tattled on me over the wedding drone strike.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina: I'd just as soon stay at an Embassy Suites.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Gary: She prefers the word 'spa.'
Gary Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Dan · Richard: Wait. What? No. This is where you stick an unfuckable intern. / Oh, no, no, no. When I was a summer intern for Lieutenant Governor Plasko back in seventh grade, I was in a much bigger office.
Dan: We gotta get the morbidly obese fuck out of Iowa. / Last night I tried to find one non-chain restaurant to eat at, and Yelp basically told me to go Fuddrucker myself.
Dan Character Comedy Observational Governor Ballentine · Richard: You think you're hot shit, Splett? First human mayor of Lurlene, straight to lieutenant governor in just a few months. / Thank you. / Well, now you're an ice cold dog turd, because you're not gettin' my job.
Governor Ballentine: Save it, Manhattan Date Rape Mystery.
Governor Ballentine · Richard: Splett, I'm gonna bury you so deep in bullshit make-work people are gonna forget Iowa even has a lieutenant governor. / That shouldn't be too hard.
Unknown staffer: What's he doing? How long does it take to change an adult diaper?
Ben: Although publicly, Montez claims to be considering all options. Privately, I heard she's been doing impressions of you getting broom-sticked in prison.
Ben Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Selina · Ben · Kent: Are people actually laughing at that impression? / - No. - Yes.
Minna: Just the prison of unmet potential.
Minna Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina · Ben: Norway. Ambassador Costas was Montez's husband's chiropractor. / Yeah, he does most of his ambassador-ing in Orlando.
Selina: From the bottom of my heart, I truly and completely forgive you. / Now shut the living fuck up.
Selina Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Amy: Amy: Streptococksucker.
Amy Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Amy · Jonah: Oh, my God, you Patient IQ Zero! / You infected all those nutballs who don't believe in vaccinations! / Well, serves 'em right.
Amy Jonah Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Amy: Didn't you have chicken pox as a child?! / Were you too busy bed-wetting and cutting fuck-holes in watermelons?
Amy Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Jonah · Beth: Amy, that only works with fleshy melons. / Beth: Duh. / And sometimes pumpkins.
Jonah Beth Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Lloyd (bio-dad) · Jonah: Hi, Bethy, I'm really sorry I just showed up. / Oh, no. No! No, no, no! / I really wanna have a chance to talk with you, Jonah. / I hate you so much I could walk into a supermarket and shoot everybody.
Jonah · Lloyd: OK. / I b-b-beg your pardon? / OK, you can be my dad. / I can be what? / Aw, come here! Aw, I love you, Jonah. / I love you too, Daddy. No homo. / Sure. No homo.
Embassy staff · Selina: Amerikkalainen war criminal syo kaikki. / Alleged war criminal.
Minna: Number one, you write your name on your food in the refrigerator. / You see here, I've written 'Minna,' and I have written it with a permanent marker. / Number two, if you use a bowl or a spoon or a plate or a cup or a jug, afterwards, you would wash in the sink.
Minna Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Minna · Gary: Selina, if you go to prison, you will not have your Gary to clean up after you. / OK, look-- / No, I'll be there.
Selina: I feel like the Grim Reaper just dropped his scythe and started eating me out!
Selina Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Ben: It turns out Americans don't give a flying fatwa if you drone a bunch of Muslims! Your favorables have never been higher, ma'am. For polling purposes, you're practically a generic white male.
Ben Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Staff member: Ma'am, we got bigger reindeer to fuck here.
Selina · Staff member: A wedding got me into this hot mess... a wedding's gonna get me out of it. / A Potemkin wedding, if I may coin a phrase. / Please don't.
Mike · Selina: Yes. Well, this is the compound belonging to Hamza Al Bashir. Now, hold on. What is that right on over there, ma'am? Is that an elephant or something? / Yes. Yeah, I believe it is. Apparently, Al Bashir had some sort of a private zoo, and that's actually how we were able to locate him. / Mike: And boom! Wow! There goes the elephant.
Catherine · Selina: What do you think? Beige or Tuscan beige? / Tough call. / They are... the same.
Catherine · Selina: Do you remember my 13th birthday? / No, I certainly don't. / Do you remember my 16th birthday, then? Do you remember that? / No, darling. Are we gonna go through all the birthdays? I don't remember any of them.
Selina: I didn't know the theme of the wedding was Edward Scissor Sisters.
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Gary: Those sandwiches aren't gonna finger themselves.
Gary Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: I am so very proud of you and your decision to get married... here.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Marjorie: And you look amazing. / Thank you. / And I'm amazed by your look.
Marjorie · Catherine · Unknown: Where's your mother? / She went to the bathroom. / That's not the bathroom.
Governor Ballentine: Jonah Ryan has as much chance of becoming president as a stack of retarded raccoons in a trench coat, but if anyone's crawling out of our cesspool of a state to become his Ag Sec, it's gonna be this pigfucker.
Richard: I didn't realize there was a job requirement.
Richard Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Marjorie · Catherine: What has your mother done now? / She used our wedding as a diversion to escape from the Norwegian National Police! / Smart.
Gary · Marjorie: I'm sorry. Who taught you to do a smoky eye? / Joint Special Operations Command. JSOC. / Aha. It's not bad.
Murman: These tunnels date back to World War II. / Really? / Local citizens banded together in secret to assist the Nazis.
Murman Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Murman · Selina · Ben: Once, I told my enemy it was tunnel escape, but in fact, I just buried him alive. / Murman. / Actually, it was her, but story is funnier with a man, huh? / In these MeToo days, you know? / Actually, I think it could work with a woman. / Either way, it's a very good story. Beginning, middle and end. Plus a lesson.
Murman Selina Ben Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Murman · Selina: and the airplane is waiting to run out of gas and drop you into the North Sea. / What? / Just kidding.
Staff member · Selina: Ma'am, that's the Nobel Prize of bad ideas! / No, that's economics, OK?
Selina: Oh, please, I've got America on my side, and America doesn't give a shit about anything!
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Kent · Ben: Kent: The Hague gives a shit. / Ben: We are not in America. We just crawled out of a drain!
Kent Ben Character Comedy Reaction Beat Selina: Tell him to get his dick out of whatever homeless woman froze to death in front of the hotel, meet us over there with the speech.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Dan · Amy: Hi, I'm Dan Egan, I used to work at the White House. / You barely worked at the White House.
Dan Amy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dan · Amy: Oh, Ames, I almost offered to help your career, then bang you and tell everybody in the office you're an unstable slut. / It's a new dress.
Dan Amy Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Amy · Beth: How long have you been taking these? / Ever since Jonah whacked me on the nose at the rally, but the pain went away in two days. / They gave me 97 pills, though, so now I've just been taking 'em for the going-away of my feelings.
Amy Beth Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Amy · Beth: So you're not pregnant. / Oh, no. Jonah and I don't want any more kids until I can get my cake pop business off the ground. And we can do genetic testing to make sure they're not born dead.
Amy Beth Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Lloyd · Jonah: Right now you have a historic opportunity to speak to our better natures, bring the country together. But to do that, I think you have to tone down the angry, incoherent rhetoric a bit. / I have kinda pushed it, haven't I? / A little bit, Jonie.
Uncle Jeff: Sorry you killed your own father and I wasn't there to see it!
Uncle Jeff Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina · aide: You're a hard man to get ahold of. / Are we really doing this again? We all know he speaks English.
Selina: If I'm elected, the U.S. is gonna import a shit-ton more of your tainted baby formula and defective drywall.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Lu · Selina: Different label, same product. / Islands. Any islands you want, Lu. Diaoyu, Spratly-- Florida Keys, even.
Selina · Lu: You can have Tibet. / What? / Yeah. You can have Tibet back. Are you fucking kidding me? / No. Right after the election, you can have it back.
Selina Lu Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Lu: I'll have to condemn your actions publicly, of course. / Of course. / But then we'll propose a U.N. resolution, you'll veto it... / I will. / then, ya know, have at it. / Is being president in a democracy even that great? / Well, it's barely a democracy, so... / I agree with that.
Selina Lu Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Lu: 'Cause you're my lapdog now. / OK. / Yeah.
Selina Lu Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: Oh, God Almighty. I-- / So maybe I should just wrap this up. / Shall we scroll, um, ahead, please? / Could you just-- Yes. / Wait-- Yes. / Tibet must always be free. Free today, free tomorrow, free forever. Oh, God.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Leon · Selina: No one's ever gonna forget that speech. / You're fired.
Selina: Wow, talk about inhumane droning. / I guess I've got a type.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Layla · Amy: So, how was your follow-up appointment? / Less of a metal tube up my vag than this.
Layla Amy Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Jonah · Nancy: Can you get her a pill or something and calm her down? / I don't want diazepam, I want something good.
Uncle Jeff: I always had you pegged as an AIDS guy.
Unknown mourner: It's not funny, but his laughter is infectious.
Jeff: Here's my hotel key. If you got a dick, I'll pay double.
Jeff Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Jonah: As most of you know, I didn't get a lot of time with my dad, but I think in the time that I did have with him I realized what a stupid loser he was. He didn't deserve me. Or even my mom. All he ever did, actually, was run out on us. First, all those years ago, and now by dying.
Jonah Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Jonah: And I guess I don't even know if I liked him that much, because he probably woulda sucked like all of my other step-dads. And I don't care that he's dead, because I am very strong.
Jonah Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Callback Jonah · Beth: We're having cake pops at the house later. / Beth: Who wants to go dancing? My husband's right there.
Dan · Richard: Richard, that bastard Ballentine, he caught shingles from Typhoid Jonah. He went blind with partial paralysis and has to step down. / Oh, my God, that's awful. / No! That makes me-- I mean, you, the governor of Iowa!
Kent: There are two things Americans don't like to see get hurt: animals, and white girls on spring break.
Kent Character Comedy Observational Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Kent · Selina: Peggy Noonan has a column about Babar and American exceptionalism. / She's a dumb cunt.
Selina · Kent: Is this gonna affect my numbers, ya think? / Yes.
Selina: He's giving me the finger. Look. See?
Selina Reaction Beat Character Comedy Jonah: And when I say Lord, I mean Jesus Christ Almighty, not the Jewish one.
Jonah Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Jonah · Crowd · Amy: And they do-- that's just science. / But the other real killer... is diseases. / And how do these diseases get into America? / All: How? / Immigrants. / Man: Kill 'em! / Yeah-- Well, I mean, we don't have to kill all of 'em. There are some good immigrants. Beyoncé? / Ms. Brookheimer, do you have anything to eat? / Um, I've got gum and Advil.
Jonah: He had this carne asada that I think was a family recipe. That guy stays.
Jonah Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Jonah: From now on, no one in, no one out! / Thank you. No one in, no one out!
Jonah Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Governor Ballentine · Dan: Word is out on you, Splett. You're living proof that the worst people in politics always succeed. / I'll tell ya something else, Splett. Listen carefully. / Someday you'll be an old man, and you'll--
Governor Ballentine: Pull up a chair, Splett. I've never told anyone this before. / I have a daughter in California. She doesn't know anything about me. / I've seen photographs... on the internet.
Montez · Kent: Did President Meyer find a way to steal the nomination from me like she stole South Carolina? / If you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina, you have no business being president.
Selina · Kent: That's not funny, Kent. / I haven't been funny since 1987.
Selina Kent Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Meta/Self-Referential Selina: I didn't come to North Carolina to lose. I don't even like to change planes here.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina · Gary: I just wanna be president. / Do you want six almonds? / No!