Oslo

Selina Meyer! The woman who freed Tibet!

It's kinda like the Peace Prize Junior.

I wanna sound like Bono trying to impress his own reflection in the mirror.

The Nobel people don't ask too many questions if you buy a table. Ma'am, at this point, they're just trying to avoid losing the building.

I think it's pronounced 'half-white.' Well, 'tomato, mulatto.'

mini-vegan pigs in gluten-free blankets

Because without an American marriage license, U.S. community property laws do not apply, my darling.

That's fine. You and your maid of honor here can sit me next to whatever Injun Joe you want.

Face to face, I can convince anyone of anything. - That's not true. - Incorrect. You're both wrong. - Both: You're right.

Lu developed a real hankering for Finnish furburger back at Camp David. He eye-fucked her so bad he got retinal herpes.

- I don't get the attraction. - Oh, I do.

Maybe you should let 'em choke you. You think they would rather choke me than listen to me talk? I can only speak for myself.

Oh, my gosh, I didn't know you were still alive.

The Russians reinstalled me when they invaded Georgia. Ha! - Oh, good for you. - Factory reboot. Both: Beep-boop-beep-beep-boop.

Leeds United. No English players, so pretty good team.

America does not stand for foreign interference in our elections! Who do you think that I am? - Yes, of course. Of course. - It's an outrage! - New topic. New topic.

I'd rather deal with the Russian mob than with those real estate people. It's because they're unethical, that's what they are.

Or else we'll tell the whole world how you vaporized a DRA leader's wedding with Hellfire missiles and also took a huge laser-guided shit all over Pakistani sovereignty

It was classified-- until somebody on your staff clicked on 'Asian Girls Bound and Gagged.'

Oh, Ben. Or Kent. Or Leon. Oh, God. Or Marjorie.

Hey, Siri, you fuck my dad? Siri: I don't know how to respond to that. Typical woman.

The guests are vegan, and the president won't eat anything without a face.

So I droned a couple wedding civilians on the wrong side of the Af-Pak border.

'dr-droned a wedding' is, uh, American slang for, uh... 'I got it, I nailed it.'

No, no, no. Really. Like, 'I droned that wedding, man!' I do not think that it is slang of any kind.

Do they give Nobel Peace Prizes to war criminals, Minna? All the time. Aung San Suu Kyi, Henry Kissinger

I called Interpol before we got in the car.

Sweet Viking Christ! Come on!

As the former president of the United States, truth and justice can gargle my balls.

That's because Autistic Barbie here tattled on me over the wedding drone strike.

I'd just as soon stay at an Embassy Suites.

She prefers the word 'spa.'

This is where you stick an unfuckable intern.

Last night I tried to find one non-chain restaurant to eat at, and Yelp basically told me to go Fuddrucker myself.

Save it, Manhattan Date Rape Mystery.

Although publically, Montez claims to be considering all options. Privately, I heard she's been doing impressions of you getting broom-sticked in prison.

Are people actually laughing at that impression? - No. - Yes.

Well, no offense, Ben, but honestly, that could be, like, tonight. - God willing.

Ambassador Costas was Montez's husband's chiropractor.

From the bottom of my heart, I truly and completely forgive you. Now shut the living fuck up.

Streptococksucker.

You infected all those nutballs who don't believe in vaccinations! Well, serves 'em right.

Were you too busy bed-wetting and cutting fuck-holes in watermelons? Amy, that only works with fleshy melons. And sometimes pumpkins.

Were you too busy bed-wetting and cutting fuck-holes in watermelons?

I hate you so much I could walk into a supermarket and shoot everybody.

I hate you so much I could walk into a supermarket and shoot everybody.

OK, you can be my dad. I can be what? You can be my dad if you want. I love you too, Daddy. No homo.

Amerikkalainen war criminal syo kaikki.

I feel like the Grim Reaper just dropped his scythe and started eating me out!

Ma'am, we got bigger reindeer to fuck here.

Yes. Yeah, I believe it is. Apparently, Al Bashir had some sort of a private zoo, and that's actually how we were able to locate him. And boom! Wow! There goes the elephant.

Yes. Yeah, I believe it is. Apparently, Al Bashir had some sort of a private zoo, and that's actually how we were able to locate him.

but if anyone's crawling out of our cesspool of a state to become his Ag Sec, it's gonna be this pigfucker.

but if anyone's crawling out of our cesspool of a state to become his Ag Sec, it's gonna be this pigfucker.

They are... the same.

They are... the same. And how is the blushing bride?

I didn't know the theme of the wedding was Edward Scissor Sisters.

Those sandwiches aren't gonna finger themselves.

And I'm amazed by your look.

And I'm amazed by your look.

Fuck me with a side of ranch.

Two generations of scabs, yo!

No. I feel fucking pretty.

Joint Special Operations Command. JSOC.

Local citizens banded together in secret to assist the Nazis.

Once, I told my enemy it was tunnel escape, but in fact, I just buried him alive. Actually, it was her, but story is funnier with a man, huh? In these MeToo days, you know?

Just kidding. You believed me! You are bad.

Ma'am, that's the Nobel Prize of bad ideas! - No, that's economics, OK?

Oh, please, I've got America on my side, and America doesn't give a shit about anything!

Tell him to get his dick out of whatever homeless woman froze to death in front of the hotel

Oh, Ames, I almost offered to help your career, then bang you and tell everybody in the office you're an unstable slut.

You barely worked at the White House. Ho ho ho ho!

And we can do genetic testing to make sure they're not born dead.

Hey, Mom, will you make us some pancakes? Go to the store to make pancakes! Both: Pancakes! Pancakes!

That's for dogs. Uh, that's for dogs.

You can have Tibet. What? Yeah. You can have Tibet back.

Well, it's barely a democracy, so...

When the committee called to tell me I would be receiving the Nobel Peace Prize-- Summit award-- I considered telling them I didn't want it.

Tibet's lamas, like these right here sitting in the front row, looking at me... would certainly be imprisoned and tortured in the most vicious ways imaginable... possibly even k-illed.

You're fired. All right, let's get out of here. Take this piece of shit.

Sorry you killed your own father and I wasn't there to see it! I can't! I can't believe you gave him chicken pox. I always had you pegged as an AIDS guy.

And I guess I don't even know if I liked him that much, because he probably woulda sucked like all of my other step-dads. And I don't care that he's dead, because I am very strong.

There's two things Americans don't like to see get hurt: animals, and white girls on spring break.

And when I say Lord, I mean Jesus Christ Almighty, not the Jewish one.

He had this carne asada that I think was a family recipe. That guy stays.

Someday you'll be an old man, and you'll-- Governor, now that you're a super-delegate, have you given any thought as to who you're gonna be endorsing at the convention? Isn't there any way I can endorse all of them?

Isn't there any way I can endorse all of them?

I haven't been funny since 1987.

I just wanna be president. Do you want six almonds? No!