Selina Meyer

Selina:I mean, if I can get Cornstarch Utensils in most federal buildings by the fall, well, then the VEEP has landed. That is what we are working on, landing you. Like a big, beautiful eagle.

Selina · Gary · Amy:Glasses on for the intellectual look? / A woman with vision. / No, glasses make me look weak. / Yeah, I agree. / It's like a wheelchair for the eye.

Gary · Selina:Senator Phil Dorsey, 2:00. / I'm not a sniper.

Gary · Selina:His daughter Emily just graduated from Harvard. / Tell me, how is Emily?

Selina:There aren't enough people to fill a fucking canoe in here.

Amy · Selina · Mike Dudley:Senator Mike Dudley. He's interested in maps. / Mike, you found us. / Is that a map joke? / Yes, it is.

Selina:Mike, talk to me. I am in a room with three people and a fuckload of quiche.

Selina:Do these not bend the fuck back? No. No. What am I supposed to do with this? I'm supposed to eat around corners? Is that how's gonna work?

Selina:How do you suggest that I mingle with this few people? Did Simon mingle with Garfunkel?

Selina:Well, you know what I say, it's a dirty job and I love to do it.

Gary · Selina · Amy:Guess what? I've managed to get a fresh batch of those European sweeteners you like so much. / Oh, thanks, Gary. Yeah, they're great sweeteners. / They are awful. / Actually, they're just sweeteners I got at a NATO meeting last year.

Selina:Selina reacting to the bitter sweetener — 'They really taste rather... Uh, unpleasant. Kind of bitter.' — while maintaining polite conversation with Hallowes.

Selina · Hallowes:Dan seems nice. / He's new.

Selina · Dan:Oh, how nice. Thank you very much. / Two things I would have done differently.

Selina · Hallowes:He was full of bourbon. And he grabbed my left tit. / Remember that? / And God rest his soul.

Hallowes · Selina:Hey, did you fire your tweet monkey yet? Because that guy is a weapons-grade retard. / I think you might have been hoist by your own retard there. / That's a good one. / Your own retard. Nice.

Amy · Selina:Sorry about the Senate meeting. / Yeah, it was like a funeral for a homeless guy.

Selina:'Selina, hi. I'm melting. I'm melting.'

Selina:If I genuinely don't know, then those bastards can't make me tell them. You know my motto, 'I don't want to know.' Anyways, what motto? I don't have a motto.

Selina:Oh, Gary. Um... Oh. Oh, my God, what was I just gonna say? Oh. I don't know. It just went out of my head.

Selina:Close the door. On your way out, close it. Quickly. Quick, quick. Quick, quick. God Almighty. No.

Jonah · Selina:Briefing room, N.S.C. meeting, hallway twice. / And in each of those did he say, 'Someone get this freak the fuck away from me'?

Selina · Mike:What would you say were the two biggest campaign mistakes that we made? / You looked tired a lot and the hat. / I liked the hat. What are you talking about? / The hat hurt us. / Your head looked weird in the hat, that's all I'm gonna say.

Mike · Selina:Oh, Dan is a shit. / You want to expand on that? / Sure. He's a massive and total shit.

Selina:I'll redact your fucking face.

Selina · Amy:This has been pencil-fucked completely? / Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance.

Selina:What's left here? I've got 'hello' and I have... Prepositions.

Gary · Selina · Amy:We can also use my kitten heels gag. / Is that funny? / No. / It's funny enough for these people.

Selina:I have stepped into the president's shoes this evening... Who knew he wore kitten heels?

Selina:No, he of course doesn't. He's more of a stilettos kind of guy.

Selina:I am reminded tonight of the late senator David Reeves. He died. He's... he's dead now.

Selina · Mike:Is your guy gonna be tweeting about this? / Okay, well, let me put it this way, Sam, that guy is no longer in a position to pay his iPhone contract. / That's because Mike McClintock there threw him into the Potomac River.

Selina:Oh, boy. It seems with that Cornstarch tweet, we were hoist by our own retard.

Selina · Mike:What if Tom Hanks dies? / What? / I'm not wishing that. I'm saying anything could happen... Tom Hanks could die, there could be a forest fire in L.A. / How did you get this job? You really want to base your press strategy based on trying to figure out when Tom Hanks is gonna...

Selina · Amy · Mike:What we're gonna do is we're gonna walk slowly to the car, okay? But you guys surround me, very purposeful. Like a human motorcade. / Exactly. / We're discussing important things. Like the pope.

Selina:Feed the dog. Walk the dog. Shoot the dog. Bury the dog. And then come back in, okay?

Selina · Mike:Front page of the style section of the 'Washington Post.' / You're the head of communications, is that correct? / Yes, ma'am. / Tuck your shirt in. Okay? Your dick is hanging out of your pants.

Selina · Gary:I don't have time to ignore you, Jonah. / Gary, could you please ignore Jonah for me?

Paul Burton · Selina:Shouldn't that be three? / Two is good.

Selina:I mean, I misjudged things. Fundamentally, I would say I misjoked.

Selina:If I were writing a memoir, which I'm not, but if I were, whew, this would be a big moment.

Gary · Amy · Selina:Gary's dramatic return to confess the signed card — the extended silence after 'So sorry. I just need to tell you something.' [21:25 to 21:40]

Selina:The level of incompetence in this office is staggering.

Selina:Fucktard.

Selina:For me, that was 12 years of marriage.

Amy · Selina:Well, that's a capital offense. / Yeah, you could be legally electrocuted for doing that, just so you know. / I'm not here. I have plausible deniability.

Selina · Amy · Gary:The key is you do it upside down. / That is extraordinary. / Is there anything you can't do? / Foreplay, direct sunlight.

Selina:Oh, yeah, well, I'm fluent in bastard. Okay? It's one of my languages.

Selina:Amy, I used Dan to get what I wanted. He used you to get what he wanted. Uh-uh, no. I definitely used him. I'm the user, and he's the usee.

Selina · Amy:In six months, when all this bullshit dies down, we're gonna put an oil guy on the clean jobs commission. / You're pouring oil on clean jobs? / Oh, please, please, Amy, grow up. / This is how they solved the Cuban missile crisis. / This is my Cuba.

Selina:He's shitty me, okay? I need a shit.

Selina:Swear to God, they put your office on top of hell.

Selina:God, this gastric bug, it's got my head all jammed up and my ass is like the thunderdome.

Selina:Sorry, not you. This. Excuse me.

Selina · Amy:That is so great for me. / And the country. / Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant.

Selina:Polluting corporations held accountable by me. / Dependence on foreign oil ended by me.

Selina:You know what I'm gonna do? Brush past. Give him a smile to take back to his boss.

Selina:See that? Gary was a major at U.V.A. in science. So occasionally that's of use.

Selina · Dan:This thing is completely useless, by the way. Can move more air by farting. / I'm sure you can, ma'am.

Selina:I'm not gonna say I'm not enjoying the President being in South Africa. God, wearing some kind of shawl at a lion sanctuary.

Selina:'Two point me.' That's exactly right. I love that.

Selina:I want to meet some regular normals. Where we gonna find them? / Photo op with the normals and the normalistas.

Amy · Selina:There's a book fair... / Oh, my God. / ...in Adams Morgan. / Too dull, no. / You're not gonna get a good photo holding a book.

Selina:We can totally normalize with those guys.

Selina:I want to get there early. I want the people who are on time to think that they're late.

Selina · Amy:Well, I've got to warm him up, 'cause we need his support on 'junk the jams' or whatever they're calling it now. / 'Unclog the backlog.' / 'Unclog the backlog'?

Selina:Doyle is essential. He's like the Russian doll of the Senate. Comes with little senators inside of him.

Selina · Gary:Don't shoot. Don't shoot. Please don't shoot. / Shoot him. You can shoot him.

Gary · Selina:You know what I heard? Senator Doyle wears pantyhose. Oh, really? No. But now that you have that image, he's not that scary.

Selina · Amy:We just saw him this morning. Yeah, you spoke about soup.

Selina:What do you need? You need some non-earmark earmarks? You need support during your reelection campaign? I just won't be photographed eating a hot dog or any other phallic food. Oops. That was a mistake.

Eric · Selina:He was gonna sneeze on you and I blocked it. / That is nice work, Eric.

Selina · Andrew:I mean, you want to take another shot? / I don't think we're drenched at this end of the table.

Selina:He can be a gold-plated fucking shit gibbon.

Selina:I think it's treason. Let me get you a cup of coffee.

Selina:Jesus Christ.

Selina · Gary:Gary, senator Doyle's guy looks like he's dying. If I were you, I would go straight to the pharmacy and take one of everything. / I'm gonna have a blowout if I walk to the pharmacy. / That's what I'm worried about. / If you're gonna shit your pants, I don't want you here.

Selina · Amy:I said something to someone. / What exactly did you say, ma'am, and to who? / To whom.

Selina · Amy:I didn't say 'yes'. / You didn't say yes? / No. I didn't say 'yes'. I said 'yeah'.

Selina:He just niced me. I got niced.

Selina · Amy:And where were you, Amy, by the way? / No, you said you had it covered. / No, I didn't have it covered. And it's your job to know that if I say I have it covered, I don't have it covered and you cover me.

Selina:I need you all to make me have not said that. / I need you to have... make me unsaid it.

Dan · Amy · Selina:What if we put an ex-oil guy on the task force? Someone who's cozy with oil, but not active oil. / Former oil. / That's lying. / Creative semantics. / Well, that's a creatively semantic way of saying we're lying. / Still creative.

Dan · Selina:Jamaican rum flavor. That's a really strong flavor choice. I mean, it's unexpected, it's funky, it's kind of sexual. Yeah, I don't want to make too quick of a decision. Let's consider other flavors. / Like vanilla. / Oh, c'mon. Vanilla is a girl's flavor.

Selina:Perhaps if you had done your job better, then, oh, I could choose vanilla or chocolate or fucking blueberry with fucking sprinkles on it. But that's not an option for me, okay? That flavor's not an option for me.

Selina · Amy:Jamaican rum, mon. / Maybe we don't need the accent.

Selina:Because you are gonna get rid of him. You're gonna kill him and you're gonna do life for murder and I never have to see your face again.

Selina · Amy:You didn't just roll your eyes, did you? / No, ma'am. / 'Cause it sure looked like it to me. / I can't stand that passive-aggressive stuff.

Selina:Potus Interruptus, that's what I call it. And I'm gonna tell him.

Selina · Secret Service Agent:You tell that shit-for-brains President... / The President is experiencing severe chest pains. We just got word from South Africa. You need to get to the west wing immediately.

Amy · Selina:Have you noticed how he's... / Yeah, he thinks I'm about to be his boss. / Yeah, he's gonna be the first to go, by the way. / Hmm, okay. / Dead man walking.

Selina:We come here today in togetherness and in hope... certainly hope... for the swift recovery of this great, great president who has been a... faultless G.P.S. in guiding our nation.

Selina:Oh, Jesus Christ. Let us pray.

Selina:Holy mother of God and sweet Jesus Christ.

Selina:back in charge of the G.P.S.

Selina · Secret Service Agent:Are you gonna take those with you? / Oh, I'm sorry. Should I give that to you? / Thank you. Here's a pen. I'll put it back. Do you want me to put it here? / That's fine. Great. / Thank you. / Thank you. / Bye-bye.

Mike · Selina:Ma'am, we spent a nice afternoon bonding with these owners. They're lovely people. / Online? Are you serious? / Yeah. It's much more relevant. I've been telling Dan this for years.

Selina · Amy:Yeah, but aren't dairy products bad for your stomach? / You've got to eat the yoghurt now. / I mean, there will be cameras on you. / This is life dairy defcon 1.

Selina · Anthony:Do you have any Jamaican rum flavor? / I'm sorry, I don't. / And I've also thrown out all of the Strawberry-Selina. / Oh. / It had a bad taste.

Amy · Selina:Bite and smile. / [Selina eats the vanilla yoghurt and visibly struggles to maintain composure]

Amy · Selina · Anthony:You know, let's get one re. / Really quick. / I think you... probably just one... / Are you okay? / Can I get you something? / I think we got it, guys. Take a step back. / I have to use the bathroom right away. / Can we use your bathroom? / No, I'm sorry, my mother is in there. She's 84. She takes a while.

Anthony · Selina:Madam Vice President, are you gonna do anything about taxes? / Yeah, moving... I'm moving them down.

Selina · Amy:Oh! Ooh-ooh! Oooh-ooh! / I can't... / Do you need to squeeze my hand or something? / I can't uncross my legs.

Selina · Gary:Where does Gary put those wipes? / Oh, my God. / Whew. / Damn.

Selina · Gary:stupid fucking midget. / clearly he hasn't heard you sing.

Selina:no, you shouldn't say that.

Selina:a terrier is a diva dog. forget it. i don't need a ball of yappy hair shitting its body weight every 30 minutes.

Selina:i feel like a bad mom, you know? 'cause i never let catherine get a dog when she was little. this is a fresh start for us. it's parental ground zero.

Selina:simon? what an unbelievable name.

Selina · Staff:maybe we should get a rescue dog 'cause it'll play great. as long as it's not one of those animals with three legs and a wheel. four legs good; three legs bad.

Selina:she'd be a rough fighter, though. she's got big shoulders. those aren't pads.

Selina:be careful your ears don't pop on the way down.

Amy · Selina:i was gonna say eva peron. yeah, i prefer that comparison. less of a mustache.

Selina:i'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this.

Selina:he was rapey reeves. when was that guy ever respectful?

Selina · Staff:does that exist, hurricane selina? i'm binging it.

Selina:really, amy? 'cause i've met some people, okay? real people, and i've got to tell you, a lot of them are fucking idiots.

Selina:did you know old grandpa fumblepants couldn't even swim? he would just hang out in the shallow end and stare.

Selina · Staff:you know what his favorite stroke was? was it dick stroke? it was dick stroke.

Gary · Selina:f.y.i., ma'am, the president is not calling. / f.y.i., gary, no shit.

Selina · Doyle · Dan:chuck's oily, but he's not evil oily. he's ex-oil. / noa hollow horse. that's a trojan horse. / he'd be a hollow trojan horse, sir.

Selina · Staff:you know who's a fucking diva? that's a fucking diva. / that one.

Selina · Gary:you dumped my daughter by text and didn't even apologize. / oh, no, i did. i signed off with colon open brackets.

Selina · Chuck:i have some vice presidential m&ms that i would love for them to have. you see the seal right there? except we'll need another one because there are two grandchildren. / i'm out. / you're out? / i'm out.

Amy · Mike · Selina:okay, where'd he go? / he must be in the bathroom. / that prostate of his. / get in there, mike. go. / this in no way will be demeaning.

Dan · Selina:widow walk. / people don't shout at you when you're standing next to the dead man's grieving widow.

Selina · Amy:i'm very excited about it. good-bye. / what are you excited about, chuck? are you the new face of louis vuitton?

Selina:i as good as announced is not announced. you are as good as dead, but you're not actually dead... not yet.

Selina:tell her that i'm cancelling the lunch that was supposed to prove there's nothing more important than catherine because something more important than catherine has come up.

Selina:come here. come, come. catherine, this is dan. he works in yo mama's office.

Selina · Dan · Catherine:so why don't you tell dan about the-- you know, the... experimental theater course? / uh, sure. yeah. you can talk to him about that. you can talk about anything. / anything. / talk, talk, talk. / now that we have the permission to talk about anything... / have you ever read faulkner before?

Selina:a rubik's cube is not impossible to solve. i saw a chinese kid do it in like 10 seconds. 10 seconds, mike.

Selina:what is that skirt? is it a rug?

Selina · Amy:we announce the dog. it's soft wash, breakfast news, but we tease it out. we say we're looking for a name. an ocean of ideas comes pouring in. meantime, we're buying time to figure all the other shit out. / that's kind of a great idea.

Catherine · Selina:wait, mom, what's wrong with your face? / nothing, darling. i'm pretending to talk to you. / but we are talking.

Doyle · Selina:20 years ago, you had no power, but you had balls. / now look at you. / i have a dick and balls, okay?

Gary · Andrew · Selina:and that's not just the high notes. / i have a recital coming up. / okay. / you could have said 'don't blow it.' / no, i'm not gonna say that.

Selina:you know, i can see right through your shirt. is it designed that way?

Selina:oh, what a fistful of fucks.

Catherine · Selina:mom, i really hate pictures. / no, honey, you're pretty. / just smile now. smile. / catherine, i'm really serious. smile, okay?

Catherine · Selina:dilka. / dilk-- / what? / dilka. / dilka? / i think her dad's iranian. / iranian?

Catherine · Selina · Staff:you're changing the name of a hurricane? / yeah. and that would have been a disaster for us. / yeah, naturally. it's amazing. / you're trying to control the weather. you are not fucking thor, mom.

Catherine · Staff · Selina:don't you yes-men ever say no to her? / of course they do. / yeah, we do. yeah. / exactly. / all right, you know what? you're a little bit out of control.

Selina · Catherine:i've been trying, catherine. i've been trying to talk to you this whole day. / about what? / about everything. i didn't even know that you had a new roommate. what's-his-ass had to tell me. / i know. gary told you.

Selina · Catherine:i've been trying, catherine. i've been trying to talk to you this whole day. / about what? / about everything. / i didn't even know that you had a new roommate. what's-his-ass had to tell me.

Selina · Doyle:wait, i'm confused, because now you're begging me to put back onto the task force the same person you were begging me to take off of the task force. / when you say it out loud, you know, it does sound-- / kind of idiotic.

Selina:wait, i'm confused, because now you're begging me to put back onto the task force the same person you were begging me to take off of the task force.

Jonah · Selina:why wasn't i told about this? / why would you be told about that?

Selina · Staff:you guys, are we seriously gonna let the guy with the police sketch face of a rapist tell us what to do? / oh, this rapist face gets eights. / consensually, i might throw in.

Mike · Gary · Selina:i just got it from google images. / i'm sorry, ma'am. i thought you knew, ma'am. / otherwise i would not have been laughing. / gary knew? / even fucking gary knew?

Catherine · Selina · Dan · Mike:seriously, mike has a fake dog. you're like the only one here who doesn't know that. / what? / yeah, he uses it to get out of stuff like if he's late. it's called a shitbull terrier. / it's a bullshit-tzu.

Selina · Mike · Staff · Gary:is this true, mike? / it got a little out of hand. / you carry a picture of it in your wallet, mike. / i just got it from google images. / i'm sorry, ma'am. i thought you knew, ma'am. / otherwise i would not have been laughing. / gary knew? / even fucking gary knew?

Selina:you are getting the dog. you are getting this little rat-faced, repulsive, yappy, crepit-looking terrier.

Selina:let's go mingle the shit out of 'em.

Gary · Selina:ernest lainchbury, lifeboat association. / he's got a glass eye. / i am so happy you're here.

Gary · Selina:jenny armitage, disabled sports of america. / just had triplets. / oh, triplets. wow. / that must have hurt... unless you had a c-section.

Gary · Selina:carlos esquerra, c.e.o. of the nasdaq o.m.x. group. / i got nothing. use your spanish. / su casa es mi casa. / mi casa. / mi casa es su casa.

Gary · Selina:rt van der merkle, head of gambling commission. / pro-gambling. loves to kill. / hey, there.

Gary · Selina:corey wilk, special advisor to the supreme court of michigan. / he's got a brother in rage against the machine. / tell your brother i love his music.

Gary · Selina:carrie stringer, center for social action. / he's a triathlete. / no, he's not.

Gary · Selina:liam miller, nasa. / okay, that's an acronym for national aeronautics-- / i-- stop it. / okay.

Gary · Selina:the reverend terrance clark, church of the living christ. / he's a baker. / oh, christ has risen.

Selina:Because it's better than watching Gary drip that fucking noodle juice down his chin.

Selina:God, I'm gonna snort a line of tzatziki and go.

Selina:I am so mired in filibuster reform, I've got no conversation.

Selina:Who uses withdraw as a fuckin' verb besides Catholics and butlers? Maybe the Israeli military every once in a while.

Mike · Selina · Gary:Madam vice president, how are your Ravens doing this year? / My Ravens are gold and I'll tell you why. / Beer makes me so gassy. / You can talk about that... about how it always bloats you, beer.

Selina:Did he do this thing where you don't know if you're supposed to hug him or crucify him? Which, by the way, makes me wanna crucify him.

Sue · Selina:'To vice president Salina Meyer'... with an 'a'... 'from an admiring wannabe.' / What an e-hole.

Amy · Selina:Plus, he doesn't wanna look like he made a massive error picking you. / Well, that was lovely.

Selina:Selina's beat of silence, then: 'Although, if those wheels are in motion anyway...' — ordering the Chung file she just told Amy not to make.

Selina · Gary:You know what I'm sick of? That stupid story of Chung supposedly pulling some guy out of a burning tank. Come on, why do guys in the army get a medal for doing their job? / The guy still had severe burns. / If anything, Chung was too late.

Selina · Jonah:Does he want to operate me by remote control? / No. That's not technologically possible.

Selina · Jonah:In spite of your preface, I did not detect a whole lot of respect in that question. / You know, I meant that more as a slight against the power of recollection of the electorate and not as an attack on the potency of your campaign.

Selina · Amy:Well, why didn't you say that, then? / Oh, because you have the social skills of someone who was raised by wolves.

Selina:He is really a great man, but he is busting my fuckin' lady balls here.

Selina:And pump up China? Is that some sort of dig about Chung?

Selina · Amy · Gary:You know what I did? I went to bed at 7:00 P.M. on a Saturday night. / Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that. / Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.

Ted · Selina:Hearing you say that gives me a massive hard-on. / Oh. I am the vice president.

Ted · Selina:I'm ready to launch. / And I'm ready to eat you up. / Oh, second breakfast. / I didn't know you had it in you. / Oh God. Oh, I want it in me.

Selina:Why are you so tired? You don't do anything.

Mike · Selina:David Gregory is ill. Sam Finnegan is the fill-in. / Ho ho, a virgin.

Selina:Oh, God, I'm gonna eat him up. [then beat] What?

Selina · Mike · Gary:I know that I'm a Ravens fan, but, like, what if Finnegan is a Ravens fan, too? / A team can't play itself, can it? / You can in video games.

Selina:In order to reform, you have to perform.

Selina:We're not nervous at all. With Flacco... forget about it.

Selina:Ray Rice, Ray Rice, Ray... / Well, he, uh... Ray Rice, he play nice.

Interviewer · Selina:Will you be watching Danny Chung on 'Face the Nation'? / Uh, you know, I would, but I've got a game of solitaire going on, so I think I'll give that a skip.

Selina:Well, I'd be surprised because technically he's not an American. I mean, because he wasn't, um, born here, you know, not because he's half Chine— You know, 'cause his parents...

Selina · Mike · Selina:Listen, they wouldn't have recorded that, right? / I had the mic on, but I don't think it was hot. / Do you think that it was on?

Selina · Gary · Amy:Gary, just give it a light touch. No import to it. / What does that mean? / Just talk to him like working guy to working guy. / Got it. Mano a mano. / Oh, Jesus Christ.

Jonah · Selina · Team:Bad news, everyone. [pause] A crane has collapsed onto a ship at Portsmouth, Virginia. / Oh, thank... / God, how horrible. / Wait, what was out of context?

Selina:We're going to a hospital. We're not going trick or treating.

Gary · Selina:Ma'am, I don't know if all these people are bereaving, so just converse generally, okay? / Converse generally? What about? The weather? / Not about the weather. / It is unseasonably warm, though, okay?

Selina:Oh, my goodness, you got so hurt. / Well, it's a great hospital, isn't it? / Oh, dear, look at your neck. / Hi, sir. Don't turn your head.

Selina · Patient:I'll give you a little squeeze on your hand. / Well, you seem just fine. / I'm not really. / Internal. Hmm.

Selina · Gary:One minute, you're enjoying this amazing sunshine... / Well, it's unseasonably warm.

Selina:Okay, guys, I got a little sound bite for y'all to nibble on right here.

Selina:And I'd also like to say if, for some reason, we find out that there was negligence that caused this accident, those who are responsible are gonna have the White House to answer to.

Selina · Gary:Gary, the belt can wait. / Let's just put it this way... what I was trying to say was... Jesus Christ! / Oh, my God! / Oh! / Gary, that was my fucking flesh that you just... / Hello? / ...trapped in there.

Selina:I'm the vice president of the United States, you stupid little fuckers! These people should be begging me! That door should be half its height so that people can only approach me in my office on their goddamn, motherfucking knees.

Selina:The one who wants to random search people in ponchos?

Selina:Is McCaulay the one with the nose hair problem like he's got two raccoons in his nostrils?

Selina · Dan:What did Scott use as a research tool, the fuckin' Drudge Report? / That and bathroom walls.

Chung (on TV) · Selina · Amy:I've got a purple heart on my chest, but the one that beats inside of me is red, white, and blue. / No, he didn't. He didn't say that. / He is seizing his moment.

Selina:I am gonna throw up a leg. And then I'm gonna take that leg and I'm gonna beat Scott to death with it.

Ted · Selina:It's about seven inches, hangs between my legs... / The thing. / I like to call him sergeant Ted.

Ted · Selina:I like to call him sergeant Ted. / Okay, well, you tell sergeant Ted I would like him very much to drill me in my oval office.

Selina:I need him to put the finger on the button and come into my rose garden.

Ted · Selina:Uh, you know, when you come over, can you try and sneak in incognito? I got Korean neighbors and I don't think they'd like the idea of me dating you. / Is that some kind of a joke or something? / It's not funny at all. Fuck off, Ted.

Gary · Selina:You were... you were on the phone? / Mm-hmm. / Oh, I didn't hear anything. / You better not have heard anything.

Gary · Selina:You were... you were on the phone? / Mm-hmm. / Oh, I didn't hear anything. / You better not have heard anything. / I didn't say anything. / Oh, my God.

Selina:Yeah. It's all fine and dandy and fabulous.

Selina · Mike:Am I sure? / Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did. Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that.

Mike · Selina:Undressing me with your eyes. / I'm adding more clothes, Mike.

Selina · Sue:How about if you scroll up? / That's the past, ma'am.

Selina · Mike:Is that even a joke? / Yeah, it's a word play or a parody.

Selina:Okay, having a massive stroke is an excuse for coming in late to this office. Having sex is absolutely not, Dan.

Selina:Fuck that potus.

Gary · Selina:Hey, ma'am, I'm right here. Can I get you something? / You got rollerblades?

Selina:Are you kidding me? Not one of those guys has paid for their own lunch in like a decade.

Selina:I was breathing really heavily, though. You don't think anyone noticed that, do you?

Selina · staff:Bob Lewis has got emphysema. Sounds like a broken-down leaf blower. He does. That is an actually uncanny impression of him.

Jonah · Selina · Amy:I'm fructose intolerant. / Fructose? / Fruit sugars. / It's very rare. / Oh. / Well, good luck with all that.

Amy · Selina:Just when you thought he couldn't get any weirder, He did.

Gary · Selina:I wouldn't search on your name or your nicknames, really. / My nicknames? Gary, what are my nicknames?

Gary · Selina:Grisly Madam, She-ra, Meyer the Liar, the Batcave, Pissface. Wicked Witch of the West Wing, Veep Throat, VoldeMeyer, Dickless Van Dyke, Tawdry Hepburn, Blunder Woman, Selina Meh.

Gary · Selina:They called you Goofy Smile. / Let's not get into it.

Selina:Yeah, I mean, firefighters are used to seeing people die, Amy, but not like that.

Selina · Amy · Dan:That was totally inappropriate. / Inappropriate. / Inappropriate.

Selina:He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.

Gary · Selina:Oh, I got my first zumba class tonight. / Oh. Neat. / I'm excited.

Selina · Gary:Would you do me a favor? Could you go and pick up some of those takeout crab cakes from Levin's? / I love those. / Yeah. / That wouldn't spoil your plans, would it? / No, ma'am.

Selina · Gary:Viagra Prohibitor? / Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra? / No. / It means that even if a guy uses it... / It doesn't work? / They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me?

Gary · Selina:Wait, what about V-Pilf? / No, Gary. / That's flattering. You know what that means? / Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with. / Fuck. / Okay.

Amy · Selina:Don't say, 'if I were President.' / It's the VP bear trap.

Selina:I won't say it. I'll just think it.

Amy · Selina:Yeah, bats and Alzheimer's. / Yeah, well remembered. Sidney Purcell.

Selina · Mike · Dan:You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? / Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night. / Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.

Selina · Amy · others:Wow. / Oh, my God, Dan. / No more Selinas? / Okay. / Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you.

Mike · Selina:My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it... / All right, good job, dummy. Sit down.

Selina:What is? It could be a lot of things.

Gary · Selina:They used a nickname, ma'am, and we were not searching on it. / Which one? / Mrs. DoubtMeyer. / Well, you never mentioned that one. / Yeah, that means you're kind of slightly confused. You're oddly masculine. / It's a shitty nickname.

Selina:Oh, my God. I'd have more power in my hands if I joined one of those moronic Segway tours of D.C.

Selina · Dan:Dan, did your boyfriend know anything about this? / I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence. / That's like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo. / I thought... / No, no, no. Let me be more clear. / It doesn't do the job and it makes a fucking mess!

Selina:Get out of my office.

Selina · Gary:Gary! / Yes, ma'am? Yes, ma'am? / I need something. / Okay, is there anything specific? / I don't fucking know. I just need something.

Selina:Remind me never to get trapped inside a burning building with you, Mike.

Selina:What is this? 'Eat, Pray, fucking Love'?

Gary · Selina:Ma'am, I got you a little bit of ice cream. I thought that might be just what you wanted. / That is just exactly what I wanted.

Selina:Hey, we should send potus a postcard from Paris. What's French for 'shove it up your ass'?

Gary · Selina:God, Parisian women really intimidate me. / Why? / I don't know. They're so Parisian.

Gary · Selina:You're as stylish as any Parisian woman. / Oh, thank you. / Oh, so are you. / Thank you. / That took too long, didn't it?

Selina · Amy · Gary · Sue:We can't go to Paris. / Shit. / No, whoa, whoa. We got all those tours lined up. / They're anticipating another tied vote in the Senate. / You need to head back to preside again. / It's gavel time. / What bill is it? / That was a play on 'it's hammer time.' / I know. What bill is it?

Selina · Amy:No. No. It's the Macauley amendment? / Yeah. It's the meat of clean jobs. / Which way are you gonna vote? / The way that my principles and conscience tell me to go. / Okay. / Which way do you think that should be?

Selina · Amy · Dan:So you are actually saying that you want me to destroy the policy that you and I have been working on for months, actually years if you think about it, Amy? / Yes. / Wow. / All right, let me get this straight. So you, Dan, who are absolutely against this policy, don't say otherwise, you want me to vote for it. And you, Amy, who love this policy, you want me to vote against it. Yeah? / This is some weird ass 'through the looking glass' shit right now.

Selina · Amy:Is this what I came into politics to do, Amy? / It's a rhetorical question. / Obviously I didn't come into politics to do this.

Amy · Selina:On a happy note, we reassigned the smiling secret service guy. / Mmm. / It's one less grinning idiot with a gun you have to worry about.

Jonah · Selina:Sorry to disturb you, ma'am. / And yet you are disturbing me.

Selina · Jonah:No, no, no, no, no. You do not do this to me. Do not say that it is obesity. Do not say that to me. / It's obesity.

Selina:Okay, it's your bedtime. Get out of my office.

Selina:I had to pull the plug on clean jobs, I'm about to go to France, and now he gives me obesity.

Selina:The President knows how uncomfortable I am made... by fat people.

Selina:You want to know the secret to keeping weight off? Shut your fucking pie hole. How about that? It's not rocket science.

Selina:You don't masturbate in the subway, do you, Amy? No, you don't. Do you shit in the street, Amy? No, of course you don't. Because you've gotten ahold of yourself.

Selina:'I'm the Vice President of the United States. Put the cupcake down.' That's now my job?

Selina · Amy:Oh, for fuck's sake. / Have you ever had a weight problem? / Yeah, I have.

Selina:'If you ever want me to confess, don't rip out my fingernails, just make me eat like a vegan for a fuckin' week.'

Selina:'Yeah, feel my soul slide out of my ass.'

Selina:'This smells like the inside of a taxi cab.' — Selina about the healthy food

Selina:'Orgasmic's more like it, right?'

Selina · Amy:Selina complaining about Ken the photographer's small, touchy hands and comparing him to Penthouse

Selina:'Someone needs to tell him that he's working with the White House and not Penthouse.' — Selina about Ken the photographer's constant touching

Selina:Selina's defense of her fertility: 'I could probably have unprotected sex with 30 men, one right after the other, and it would be totally fine.'

Selina:'I mean, no, it wouldn't be totally fine. I mean, that would be a horrible thing.'

Selina:'Unless we go on some sort of special vacation to Mexico and... kill the doctor in the desert.'

Amy · Selina:'Father know? / What, are you kidding me? What am I, 15?'

Ken · Selina:Ken's aggressive 1D camera bragging: 'I have a 1D. It's more expensive, but it's a really nice camera.'

Selina:'Amy's practically having a baby about it.' — Selina's accidental pregnancy reference in front of officials

Selina:'Well, if we get trapped here another minute, I'm gonna kill you and eat you, because I will not eat another fuckin' falafel.'

Selina:'Hey, Jimmy fuckin' Olsen, get lost before I shove that thing up your ass and give you another kind of red eye to worry about.'

Selina:Hey, Jimmy fuckin' Olsen, get lost before I shove that thing up your ass and give you another kind of red eye to worry about.

Selina · Gary:'Could you lip-read earlier when I was talking about you to Amy? / No. / Oh, that's too bad. It was all good.'

Selina · Gary:Could you lip-read earlier when I was talking about you to Amy? / No. / Oh, that's too bad. It was all good.

Selina:Selina trying not to move her lips while Amy relays pregnancy news: 'Ugh, I can't move my lips.'

Selina · Jonah:Selina's baseball ignorance — 'all three players are starting pitchers': 'You don't have multiple starting pitchers. There's one pitcher's mound. You see one mound or three mounds?'

Selina:'No, it's not impossible. I'm not that old. / All right, you over that bombshell? Because that bombshell just gave birth to a bigger bombshell.'

Selina:'You proposed by giving me some sort of a ring in a heart-shaped, fuckin' oyster thing or something.'

Selina:You proposed by giving me some sort of a ring in a heart-shaped, fuckin' oyster thing or something.

Selina:'You know, the key is in the details, though, Ted.'

Selina:'I don't know how fucking big my finger is, Ted! Just be a man, stand up, get the fuckin' ring, all right?'

Selina:'Read my lips... Don't read my lips.'

Selina:Selina meets Jim Palmer (baseball legend): 'Oh, yes, that is a wonderful thing to be in... in the hall of fame, for sure.'

Selina · Sue:Sue and the fake engagement backstory: 'Children of Courage Awards — Would he have proposed then? / No, no, uh-uh. That's kids with alopecia, their mothers are on crack... that's a complete freak show.'

Selina · Sue:Ted proposed to me about six to eight weeks ago, okay? / Oh, congratulations, ma'am. / No, no, no, he didn't really. We're just gonna pretend that he did.

Selina:'Leon West is here. Oh, great. Now all we need are my parents on Skype.'

Selina · Amy:'Oh, we're gonna have Gary do the tests. / How will that work? / No, not with his pee, Amy.'

Selina:'Or a suicide. I haven't decided which.' — Selina on her options regarding the pregnancy

Selina · School staff:Selina asking for water in a paper cup and getting a large plastic cup: 'This is... okay, it's in a plastic, clear... / It'll be fine. / It'll be fine.'

Mike · Amy · Selina:The 'repugnant vs. pregnant' misunderstanding — 'I said she's repugnant. I said Selina's repugnant. / What? Why am I repugnant?'

Mike · Selina · Amy:Ma'am, if we just table this... I think we should just knock off the kid thing. / Lower that. / We need to get this over with.

Selina:So pleased to be shaking your hand right at this moment.

Selina:Selina apologizing for being late to the children: 'I have never meant those words more.'

Selina · Children:But I had to hang out with a bunch of boring grown-ups. / Boo! / Boo! / Boo!

Selina:Selina's exit from the school: 'I wish I could be here all day.' — departing immediately after arriving

Bill · Selina:'I was gonna say that brings a smile to my face, but that would be safe, wouldn't it, ma'am?' — police official making a smiling joke to Selina

Selina:'That's very funny, Bill. You're fired. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.'

Selina:'Secret' as in shut the fuck up. And 'service' as in you work for me, okay? So why don't you shut the fuck up?

Selina:'We have an enemy and I want a name and a severed head that answers to that name, or would if it could still talk.'

Selina:The viral video tagged 'Selina Sell-Outta' — a compilation of her contradictions including firing someone for smiling

Selina · Amy · Jonah:'All right, pack up your limbs and get the fuck out, Jonah.' / 'Is punching allowed?' / 'Oh, you wouldn't stand a chance. I have a much longer reach.'

Selina · Mike:'You are the closest to normal we've got going in this office right now.' / 'Thanks, I think.'

Selina:The Full Disclosure scheme: 'by showing that we have nothing to hide, then we can actually hide some stuff.'

Selina:Selina: 'Oh, it's fine. I mean, it was like a heavy period. Don't worry about it.'

Selina:The 'partial disclosure light' scene — Selina immediately explains they will NOT be doing full disclosure

Selina:'There can be no... Are you writing that down? Why would you be writing that down?'

Selina:'We have to check Sue's calendar, make sure there are no meetings there that I did-didn't have.'

Selina:'The accidentally racist brochure that we had to shred.'

Selina:'So it doesn't look as if we've just airbrushed the nipples out of this fucking thing.'

Selina:Selina's convoluted non-denial about Macauley: 'I don't know what you did or didn't do, but I do know that I can't know what you know or you don't know. You know?'

Amy · Selina:Amy's 'buffering' nod — 'The nod of my head is like I'm buffering.'

Selina:'Okay, I think you'd better get out of my office.' — Selina's response to Amy's unfinished sentence

Selina:'I know, who'd have thought transparent government would take up so much of your field of vision?'

Selina:'Is anybody picking up on the back facials? The press was supposed to pick on those damn back facials.'

Selina:'Mike, can't you make me not have been pregnant?'

Selina:'Exactly. We are gonna fire someone.' — the group's answer to 'what are we gonna do?'

Selina · Team:Selina about who to fire: 'Sue.' Others: 'Oh, Sue.' Selina: 'That's funny, you guys. But seriously, Sue's not important enough.'

Selina:'Suck-up isn't gonna fix a fuck-up, Dan.'

Selina · Gary:'Shut?' / 'Of course shut!' — the door interaction

Gary · Selina:The rose hip tea with honey and Fig Newton ceremony

Selina:Selina: 'I love to fuck you in private.' — her attempt to calm Ted

Selina · Ted:'Was that a journalist?' / 'Yes.' / 'Oh, God!' / 'What are you doing, Ted? You can't tell him to fuck his mother.' / 'Her mother, actually.'

Selina · Gary:Selina asking Gary to break up with Ted for her — 'I want you to let him go'

Selina:'Because I think that he is about to dump me. So I'm not gonna be the dumpee. I'm gonna be the dumper. Okay? He's gonna be the dumpee.'

Selina:'Oh, ma'am. You've been off radar for over an hour. Oh, did I miss anything? Did the president ride through on a lion or something?'

Selina:'All right. I don't want to end up with a horse's head in my bed. Though there's room for one now.'

Selina · Gary:Have we heard from the president on the economic forum? Uh, yeah. Last I heard, he was three over par. Oh, forum's not happening. Potus took a golf day.

Selina · Gary:Do you know who he's playing golf with? No, who? No, no, no, who? Oh, you don't know and you want me to find out.

Selina:'Not great, admittedly'? Yeah, that should be the title of my fucking memoir.

Selina:He's not outside here, is he? Oh, hi! Oh, my! Okay, great. All right, that's all I want to say to him for the rest of my life.

Amy · Selina:66%. What? Approve. Oh! Sorry, disapprove. Oh. Dis— / You know what? You go ride with the security detail. There's no room for you in this car.

Selina:'Cause of that smiling secret service guy, Amy, 66% disapprove. That's everyone in America who's awake right now.

Selina:How could that many Americans not like me? I think they got it wrong. They counted those numbers wrong or something. Or all those Americans are completely wrong.

Selina · Staff:Why have I been given this pig's blood? / It's tomato juice. It's the Ohio state beverage.

Selina:Golf. You know, men walking around with sticks talking about their careers.

Furlong · Will · Selina:I'm hearing that your credibility is... / Where is it located, will? / The toilet. / The toilet? / More accurately, the crapper.

Selina:Who are you? Who is this fucking infant?

Selina · Furlong:I don't even like you. / Right. / Right? And now I'm, you know, been told to come here and endorse you. So do you understand how embarrassing this would be for me now not to endorse you?

Selina:I know how to give a motherfucking speech. Don't you patronize me with your no jaw. You congressman no jaw.

Selina:He was just not a nice man.

Gary · Selina:You know, my papaw used to say, 'it's always darkest before the storm.' So... / Oh, the dawn, the dawn. 'It's always darkest before the dawn.' And then he would kiss me.

Gary · Dan · Amy · Selina:Look who's playing golf with the president. / Danny Chung. / Chung. / Shut up.

Selina · Felicia:24/7 doesn't leave you much time for your family, your daughter. / Well, I mean, it's a punishing schedule... Can you imagine, Felicia, if I'm tired, imagine how tired the rubber makers are here in Ohio.

Selina:I feel that Ohio is the rubber ball state, if you think about it. Always bouncing back.

Selina:Oh, wow, look at this group. Are they gonna live long enough to make it to election day, right behind me? Probably not. Hello, children who do not vote.

Marcus · Selina:I made you a cake with your face on it. / Are you kidding me? Oh! That looks like me after a long day in the Senate.

Selina:This is just riveting stuff.

Selina:Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm an emotional time bomb. So here's an idea — let's put me onstage.

Selina:I'm so glad to be here in the 17th state of the union. My grandfather, he was from Cincinnati... We used to say we're awfully embarrassed by our buckteeth. But we were mighty proud of our buckeyes.

Furlong · Selina:Don't forget your booster seat. / Oh, shove it up your ass.

Selina · Amy:Hey, that photographer who reads lips, he's not here, is he? / Mm-mmm. / No. That's a blessing.

Selina:I've seen it, I've read it, I've eaten it, I've showered in it. I'm back, my babies.

Jonah · Selina · Sue:I come bearing a message of support from the president. / Oh. / As you know, he called. / Sue, did the president call? / No. / Huh. / Well, it wasn't an actual call. / I am here in lieu of that call.

Selina:Oh, Mike. I am sorry for your loss. / Dan, you're getting a promotion.

Dan · Mike · Selina:I guess I've got some business to attend to. / What business? / That's a need-to-know basis, Mike, and you don't have the clearance. / Funny. Is that true?

Selina:Amy, you pretended to have a miscarriage for me. You remain crucial to my policy team.

Selina:Amy, you pretended to have a miscarriage for me. You remain crucial to my policy team.

Gary · Selina · Amy:Twitter eruption. Veep's trending. / Amy, what's going on? / Um, you're trending, ma'am. / I'm on Twitter, but it wants me to create a new account. I don't know how to do that.

Selina:Number one, congressman, I'm sick of taking your shit, okay? Number two, number one again.

Selina:And this meeting is now terminated because this was never a meeting to even begin with.

Selina · Mike:All right, you're gonna need to stay in your former position. / In your face, Dan. Mmm!

Selina · Mike · Dan:All right, you're gonna need to stay in your former position. / In your face, Dan. Mmm! / Um, ma'am, I may have already issued a press release regarding my promotion.

Dan · Selina:Um, ma'am, I may have already issued a press release regarding my promotion. / Really? / Well, can I unpromote you? I don't think so.

Mike · Selina · Mike:Is he my boss again? / Only in title, all right? You're still senior to him. / In your fucking face.

Selina:The guy that I have just put in charge of rebutting is now in charge of rebutting questions over the Macauley amendment, which is the very thing he should be nowhere near rebutting.

Selina · Gary:See, now... now I want to cry. But I can't cry. / Can I get you a cup of tea? / Yeah. / You know, I mean, this job has fucked me up so bad. Now I don't fucking know if I can cry anymore.

Gary · Selina · Gary:I wouldn't worry about it, ma'am. / — / I mean, you've only got four years of this, so... / Eight years, I guess, if we got reelected, obviously. / 12 if you run for president. / 16, two-term. / So think about that.

Selina:It's like a happy Nuremberg.

Selina · Dale (on phone):Dale, I'm so sorry. What are we gonna do without you in the Senate? ... Yeah, you lost, Dale. Oh, my God. And, actually, I was told that you'd been told.

Selina:I want an expanded role in deficit reduction talks. I want a Cartier fucking dildo.

Selina · Amy:Amy, I'm so sorry. Is he speaking? Well, he told my mom he felt worse that time he ate gay Jap raw fish shit. Oh, Amy, that's a great sign, because that's a very complex sentence.

Selina:Unless he's slurring his words.

Amy · Selina:So you got what I said before? Yes, Cartier dildo.

Selina:So when it hits 2:00 A.M., my eyes will say Holocaust, my mouth will say Carnival.

Selina:Or why this fucking Internet is sketchier than our economic forecasts?

Dan · Selina:Want to bet how long it takes Chung to mention his war record? No. 100 bucks says he drops it in the first five seconds.

Danny Chung (on TV) · Selina:And I intend to serve you the way I served the American people overseas when they needed me. [immediately] Oh, ker-chung, ker-ching. Pay up.

Selina:I was saying exactly that.

Selina · Gary · Mike:Okay, hmm, what is the solution to your problem, Gary? Oh, use another lipstick. Wow, that was easy. What is the solution to my problem? I sell a kidney?

Selina · Ben:Are you drunk? No, I'm just depressed.

Selina:He made us go river rafting together. Catherine got giardia. And I had to listen to Andrew bang that skank on the riverbank all night.

Selina · Ben:I said to Kent, 'Can you make me feel good about this somehow?' And you know what he does? He points to a graph.

Selina · Ben:He is cold. Yeah, he's got ice in his semen.

Selina:Ben, one day we are gonna laugh about this.

Selina:Fat Wolverine. [title card/reaction beat as Selina walks past the portrait]

Selina:Oh, Kent. Look at you, you're all back. I see they took out the sink and the toilet. Made it a little roomier for you.

Kent · Selina:Am I supposed to ask a question now? Oh, sure. If you want. Fire away. And what would that question be? Well, that question might be what do you think is the best reposition to take? And what would the answer to that question be? And the answer would be standing right in front of you.

Selina · Kent:I don't think I was actually very clear before. / No.

Selina:My uncle used to have this saying. He used to say to me, 'Honey, if you're not at the table, you're probably on the menu.' And, Kent, I will not be eaten.

Kent · Selina:You do know that I am not running for office right now? I am, in fact, the vice president. I wouldn't dispute your title. I might question your role.

Selina · Kent:It would be great if you would stand up when the vice president enters a room. Oh, Lord, all right. Oh, Lord. There you go. Oh, at ease, Kent.

Selina:Everyone, POTUS has gone to bed. So let's make sure we make his dreams come true tonight by fighting until that last bullet.

Selina · Kent:I'm gonna have more of a role in this administration. Well, I just crunched the numbers. I know. You're the numbers cruncher. And right now they taste pretty bland to me. Well, salt and pepper 'em.

Selina:I don't know what those words mean.

Selina · Dan:I have a very strong feeling that Kent is gonna get in between me and POTUS, like some sort of thick rubber condom, and I have got to have... Unprotected. Unprotected access to the Oval Office.

Selina:You have to go and see your dad. This is the midterms. Amy, it's the fucking midterms. Go.

Selina:I'm gonna go pee pee and then we're gonna neutralize Kent.

Selina:My pee pee is done. Let's go crack Kent.

Selina:Oh, God. It's fucking Big Bird.

Selina:Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.

Selina · Kent:Kent. Where's the president? Asleep. Well, should you be in here? People need to think he's in here leading. But he's not. He is, according to the rumor I put out.

Selina:Mm-hmm. You want to see where you are? Hi, Kent. How's it going? Thank you so much for bringing us the memo on aggregates. Now why don't you just go and fuck yourself in your own asshole?

Selina · Kent:Selina throws the lipstick at Kent and hits him in the eye

Selina:Fuck that lipstick!

Selina:Kent. Oh, I'm so sorry about before. Although, God, you made a funny noise. I wish I could get that as my ringtone.

Selina · Ben · Dan:What's that shit all over the carpet? Oh, shit. Ooh. If you have some white wine vinegar, that'll get it right out.

Selina:If you have some white wine vinegar, that'll get it right out.

Selina:You take your eyebrows and you get out.

Dan · Selina · Gary:You should not be in here. We need to go. I know. We'll do a little hop. Ready? One, two... there we go.

Selina:I can't do that. I'm exhaustipated.

Selina:We lost the battle, but we ain't cattle. Two years' time, bitches!

Selina:I'm exhaustipated.

Selina:I need that stuff that junkies use. You know, when it takes a cop 15 bullets to put him down.

Selina:There's a horse coming out of my head.

Selina:Much like when Bigfoot got your mom pregnant, resulting in you.

Selina:Not at all. I wouldn't say it's all bad news. Frank, no, I wouldn't say it was a shellacking. It's not a disaster. I mean, not for m-m... not for me... mean... excuse me.

Selina · Gary:I'm about to enter a national ass-kicking contest with no legs and a massive ass. It's not that big, ma'am. What? I think your ass is perfect.

Selina:It's not a disaster. I mean, not for m-m... not for me... mean... excuse me.

Selina:The American people have said this is a wake-up call.

Selina · Gary:Oh, my God, I look so old. No. What is that reaction?

Selina · Gary:Oh, my God, I look so old. No. What is that reaction?

Selina · Gary:Oh, my God, I look so old. / No. / What is that reaction?

Gary · Selina:Smile with your eyes if you can. Yep. And your nose if you can. With my nose? How do you do that?

Gary · Selina:Smile with your eyes if you can. / Yep. / And your nose if you can. / With my nose? How do you do that?

Selina · Gary/Dan:Pulal... yeah, look at that. Plurality. Yeah. It's not good, you know what I mean? It's kind of a fish face.

Selina:Well, we are the United States of America because we are united and we are states and we are of America.

Selina:Selina corrects herself mid-sentence on the phone with Andrew: 'You were the best thing to ever happen to him and he threw it away. Yeah, you were the best thing ... I was the best thing that ever happened to you and you just threw it away.'

Selina · Gary:Gary asks mid-argument whether Selina wants a clutch; she says yes, then no, then yes — all while continuing to fight with Andrew on the phone.

Selina:Selina says Andrew has 'successfully learned how to manipulate Catherine' — delivered as a congratulatory insult to the person she's been arguing with.

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'I hope we have a number for a contract killer, too.' Gary: 'I'll do it.'

Selina:Selina describes Kent as 'that autistic lumberjack son of a bitch.'

Selina · Kent:Selina to Kent: 'Hey, I heard you were doing Pilates. I didn't know you had a core.' Kent: 'I do and it's like steel.'

Selina:Selina: 'You know, it's just so great talking to you, Kent. I love being close to the inaction.'

Selina · Jonah:Jonah describes the North Carolina Pork Board pig picking; Selina asks 'Sounds classy. Will Kate Middleton be there?'

Selina · Jonah:Jonah: POTUS wants to 'utilize your people skills to kick off U.S., Hey.' Selina: 'That's what they're gonna call it?' Jonah: 'Yeah.' Selina: 'Who came up with that incredibly shitty name?' Jonah: 'That would be me, ma'am.'

Selina · Jonah:Selina: 'Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to fuck the pig before they roasted it.' Jonah: 'I wouldn't presume they took turns.'

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'I will not have you undermine me with Catherine... I want Catherine to spend Thanksgiving with me, not some random boyfriend. And what about poor Memaw, who's guaranteed to be dead by March?' Gary: '(quietly) With any luck.'

Selina:Selina says she wants Superman-like time reversal: 'I'm going to that 4:30 meeting even if I have to get Sue to fly around the world the wrong way like Superman and reverse time.'

Selina · Gary:Gary offers to help with the air base logistics; Selina shuts him down: 'Gary. This is not your area of expertise. It's just typing into a calendar.'

Selina:Selina: 'We got to go. We're gonna go mix with the hicks.' Then Selina on Furlong: 'Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva.'

Selina · Mike · Amy:Selina responds to Amy's Brando/Annie line: 'That's a good one, Mike.' Mike: 'Thanks, ma'am.' — Selina accidentally credits Mike for Amy's joke.

Selina:Selina: 'Did you know that I'm paying 65 grand a year to that school? They had better be putting gold on that popcorn instead of butter, right?'

Selina:Selina: 'See, this is why China regulates their internet.'

Mike · Selina:Mike's stoic philosophy on his financial disaster: 'I've changed the only thing I can... my reaction to things.' Selina: 'Oh. And your boxers occasionally, I hope.' Mike: 'I have a fresh pair every day now.' Selina: 'Oh, good for you, Mike.'

Gary · Selina:Gary's melodrama setup: 'I know you think I'm melodramatic, ma'am.' Selina: 'I know you're melodramatic.' Gary: 'Uh-huh. Our world has just ended.'

Selina:Selina snaps her fingers: 'Okay, that could be a signal. Kind of a silent click.'

Selina:Selina rejects a suggestion: 'No, that's like I squished a bug and then I said, Oh, it's so cool I squished a bug.'

Selina · Mike:Selina rejects the eyebrow rub: 'What if people think I have crabs in my eyebrows?' Mike: 'How can you have crabs in your eyebrow?'

Selina · Gary:Gary asks how crabs can be in an eyebrow; Selina explains: 'Okay, Gary, when a man and a woman love each other very much and it's the man's birthday...'

Selina:Selina: 'All right, well, standard issue pro-Israeli, pro-Palestinian, but subtly more pro-Israeli statement. I mean, hit F9 and print that fucker out.'

Selina:Selina at the pig roast: 'Walking the walk, talking the pork.' Then: 'That's a term I just coined today. Do you like it?' — referring to 'finger-licking fun.'

Selina:Selina: 'Why am I the only one wearing a cowboy hat?' — visual gag, Selina standing alone in a cowboy hat looking ridiculous.

Jonah · Selina:Jonah tells Selina she needs to get Catherine to apologize 'unequivocally and immediately.' Selina: 'Yeah? Well, go shit yourself, Long Tall Sally...'

Selina:Selina to Catherine on phone: 'No, honey. Not you, Catherine. It was Mike. He had you on top of his body. No, that came out wrong.'

Selina · Catherine:Catherine: 'His name is Rahim. He's Dilka's brother.' Selina: 'Dilka's brother?' Catherine: 'What? Do you have a problem with him being Iranian?' Selina: 'Okay, Catherine, you know that I am not a racist, okay? My boyfriend in college was a quarter Cherokee.'

Selina:Selina: 'I'll bring you back a sandwich and a six-toed husband.' (to Gary's aide about the pig picking)

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'I've been scratching my eyebrow for three and a half fucking hours. Where have you been?' / Gary: 'I thought we weren't doing the eyebrow thing. You said about the crabs.'

Selina · Mike:Selina has been scratching her eyebrow for three and a half hours: 'I've been scratching my eyebrow for three and a half fucking hours. Where have you been?' Mike: 'I thought we weren't doing the eyebrow thing.'

Selina:Selina: 'She's getting her leak on.'

Selina · Jonah:The pig fat jacket: 'What in the living fuck is that god-awful smell, Jonah?' Jonah: 'Oh, my jacket is partially soaked in pork fat, ma'am.'

Selina:Selina: 'We all know what you need, Amy. I mean besides a big, fat slap.'

Selina:Selina: 'At work we actually call her Amiable Amy.'

Dan · Selina:Dan: 'I think I'm gonna go get a coffee. Anyone else?' Father: 'No, thank you.' Selina: 'I will help you carry that second coffee.'

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'I want to see the film and I will see the film. Gary, we need to get it. It's Five Easy Pieces.' Gary: 'It's 5 Broken Cameras.' Selina: 'Okay, it's Broken Cameras.'

Selina · Catherine:Selina negotiating: 'Thursday you're with me and Grandma. Friday you can be with the new boyfriend, okay? And Saturday. If you come home on Saturday night.' Catherine: 'Yeah, I'll check that over with Rahim.'

Dan · Selina:Dan: 'Amiable Amy? That is the best you could come up with?' Amy: 'Yeah, you know, I knew I should have gone with Amy Whitehouse.'

Selina:I'd be terrible in a hostage situation, even as a hostage taker.

Selina:he knows I've got a bigger role in the White House now, which means I've got a bigger dick, which means he can suck it.

Selina:Robust is a good word. And you don't hear it often, like bumptious.

Selina:How do you make two perfectly pleasant words so irritating?

Selina:And here he is, the man who can't take a leak without polling his balls.

Selina:Yeah, precise and surgical, like your lobotomy, Kent.

Selina · Gary:They don't salute indoors, Gary. — They don't salute indoors, Gary. (both simultaneously)

Selina:I was married to a Devil Dog, but he wasn't a Marine. He was more of a devil.

Marine · Selina:She's so funny. (Marine, clearly just being polite)

Gary · Selina:Small arms means guns, ma'am. — Oh, really, Gary? Not T-rex hands?

Selina · Gary:What the fuck? — This could backfire. — It's not gonna backfire. The gun could literally backfire. That's where the phrase comes from.

Amy · Selina:Ma'am, this could really chap Maddox's ass, too. — Oh, yeah, it would, wouldn't it?

Gary · Selina:You could chip a veneer and I don't really want that to happen. — I don't care. I'm going in.

Marine · Selina:If you don't mind my saying, ma'am, there speaketh a civilian. — All right. There speaketh a pricketh.

Selina:Oh, Jesus fucking Christ! (after firing and presumably missing badly or getting recoil)

Selina:Oh, how about that? Fastest gun in the West Wing.

Selina:Is it four or is it five? Or is it six? Or is it seven? You don't know, do you?

Selina · Amy:I pulled that straight out of my ass. — You were born for that moment. — I know. He's Iwo Jima. I'm planting a flag right on his head.

Selina:My speech is a face-melter. These buzz cuts are gonna flip.

Selina · Mike:Stick a thermometer up Washington's ass. See how much heat I just created. — Parting the cheeks.

Mike · Selina:MIKE: You don't look constipated. You look the opposite of it. — SELINA: What's the opposite of constipated, Mike? — Relieved. — No. Relieved is not the opposite of constipated, Mike. Hang up the phone, dummy.

Selina:VP sister act robusting the moves

Selina · Amy · Mike:Word cloud scene: 'robust' dominates, 'Sue' visible, Selina's name is tiny — 'It's bigger than collapse.'

Amy · Selina:I mean, Sue only has one name like Pocahontas or Hitler. — Or Moby or Bigfoot.

Selina · Cliff:What? You're not fucking Sue. — I'm Cliff. I'm filling in for Sue.

Selina · Amy:She has a return appearance? What does she need an encore for? — Yeah, it's an encore. Start popping your popcorn.

Selina · Gary · Dan:Gary-oke time. — It is. — Danny-oke? — End of an era, buddy. End of an era.

Selina · Dan · Ben:Does aggressive trump robust? — Well, it's robustier. — No, robust is like a rock and aggressive is like paper. — Oh, shoot, paper covers rock. I forget about that.

Ben · Selina:They're different words. And saying different words means what? It means we're not on the same... — Diet? — Page.

Selina:Oh, where is the great and powerful Oz, by the way?

Selina · Ben:Calculated? That sounds so... — Pussy-ass, that's what I was gonna say.

Selina:Oh, my God. I'd kiss you right now, but I'm never gonna do that.

Selina · Cliff:Office of the Vice President. — This is the Vice President. — Yes, it is. — No, no, this is the Vice President.

Selina:Amy, this is like explaining gravity to a chicken.

Selina · Cliff:You have made a fuck-up the size of France and you are fucking grinning about it. — I'm trying not to. I'm not sure why my face is doing this.

Selina:This is all Cliff's fault, that grinning fucking Ewok.

Selina:I feel like that porn star who had to do 200 men in one day. At least she got to lie down, right?

Selina · Jonah · Mike:This isn't a POTUS thing. Why is scrotus here? — Think of me as a cheerleader, Mike. — Oh, God. I'm imagining you in a bathtub full of rose petals.

Selina:I want to know how all your filmmaking is going. — Beg pardon? — And so on. — Your fishing.

Selina · Amy · Dan:Oh, well, that's all we want. We all want the big one, don't we? — Did she just make an innuendo? — Yep. Yep.

Selina:That I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same... so help me Brian.

Senator Brian · Selina:I think you mean 'so help you God.' — Yes, yes. Oh, so help you God. — So help me God. — Me, God, yes.

Selina · Dan · Amy:Oh, I wish that was my cousin's name. — This is the worst small talk I've ever heard. And I'm including mine in that and mine is horrible. She's done worse. I can't think of when, but she has.

Selina:Well, that's how the cookie crumbles.

Selina · Amy:Amy, it's time o'clock. — What's time o'clock? — Time o'clock.

Selina:Wait a minute. Jonah's going in? — The men get the situation room, I get the shituation room?

Selina:Hi, gentlemen. — I hope you heard that joke. That was meant for you to hear it.

Selina · Jonah:George, comments like that are incredibly inappropriate when people's lives are at stake. — I've got to get a refill here. Old jumbo needs a refill.

Soldier · Selina · Ben:The eggs are back in the basket! — Yeah! Eggs-shak-a-laka! — In your fucking face, eggs.

Selina · NSC official:Yeah! Semper fucking fee. — Fi. — Fi. Fi, right.

Selina · NSC official:You mean one of our Marines lost a leg? — Yes, ma'am. His left leg, ma'am. — The entire leg? — I believe he lost from above the knee. — Oh, so they were able to just salvage his foot?

Selina · NSC official:Was he part of the operation? — Yes. He was actually due to be rotated out on the eighth.

Selina:The problem with being so close to somebody's ear all the time is that you begin to think that you can see inside their head, but you can't, Dan. You can't.

Selina · Gary:I lost a man his leg. — Please stop saying that, ma'am. — He'll bounce back. I got a feeling.

Selina · Amy:Well, maybe we could invite him to the White House. — Oh. — You know, once he's back up on his... — Sure, we'll roll out the ramps.

Selina · Gary:Can you make it a big one so you can stuff me inside of it and smuggle me out of here? — Of course I can. — And there might be a little raspberry surprise in them.

Selina:Look at the size of his coffee mug. Jeez, you could hide a baby in that thing.

Selina · Gary:Oh, there are not gonna be any veterans at this teen prayer breakfast thing tomorrow, are there? No, ma'am. No missing legs.

Selina:Who the hell is religious as a teenager? I was. I mean, smoke some weed, for Christ's sake, right?

Selina:Oh, my God, with the bags. It's always bags with you. Got to get out of the bag zone.

Selina:It looks like I'm tweeting when a guy loses his leg.

Selina · Amy:Selina: 'I'm stabbing him. I'm going to go stab him.' / Amy reacts deadpan.

Kent · Selina:Vis-à-vis jowls. / That's how he looks. That's his face.

Selina · Kent:Why didn't you just take the good one of me, Photoshop it in? / I can't airbrush history, ma'am. I'm not Joseph Stalin.

Selina:No, that's true. You're not. You don't have a tenth of his charm.

Selina:Oh, so now I have to have Dan and Mike, Rodgers and Hammershit, come up with a new song in an afternoon?

Selina:What are you laughing about, Jolly Green Jizzface?

Jonah · Selina:Oh, I came here to tell you that you're a meme, ma'am. I'm a meme ma'am? What are you talking about? Speak English, boy.

Selina:If there was a tsunami, you'd be genuinely looking at your phone 'cause you'd be checking the weather.

Selina:Oh, my God, yeah. Okay, yeah, that's a cherry on top of this whole turd cake.

Selina:Ooh, your leg. Could you put...? Fix your leg so I can see your whole leg. Fix it. Yeah. Okay.

Selina · Sue:You are incredibly valued here and I was wondering if there's anything we could do to make you want to stay with us. / More money, ma'am. / I'm on it. Welcome back. / Honored to serve.

Selina:Just bought Sue for a dollar. Who's next?

Selina:I've never eaten with Gary before. / I've eaten next to him, but...

Selina:♪ No, no, no, don't sing it with me / That fucks me up. ♪

Speaker Marwood · Selina:They seemed very excited about the possibility of a veteran becoming president. Not necessarily me. / Well, they seemed very excited about the possibility of a woman becoming president. Not necessarily you.

Selina · Speaker Marwood:You saved four guys from captivity. Yeah, and they weren't burnt, by the way. Chung's guy had a face like a Christmas ham.

Danny Chung · Selina:Danny Chung beatboxing at the political dinner — the crowd going wild while Selina's team stares dead-eyed.

Selina:That isn't impressive at all. He's just spitting, right?

Selina:I need a joke. I need a joke.

Selina:I'll tell you, that's one speaker I'd like to put on mute.

Selina:You just need to keep in mind that I'm not Selina Dion.

Selina:♪ Kiss a fat baby, Abie / Set yourself free ♪

Amy · Selina:You killed it. / You killed better than Chung killed, and he's actually killed.

Selina:I had to pretend not to like it to Kent while pretending to like it like he was pretending to like it, but he didn't actually like it and I actually really liked it.

Selina · Kent:Oh, you want Dan? / No, I want Mike.

Selina · Kent:Selina being offered Helsinki in exchange for Mike — her dawning horror and eventual capitulation.

Selina · Kent:Mike, on second thought, I think that this whole Dream... / Metric. / Dream Metric thing sounds kind of fantastic.

Mike · Selina:Ma'am, please don't let him take me. I don't want to go to numbers camp. / I can't help you. Just let go.

Selina:You give no press briefings. Understood? / I become Mike, you become an ugly me.

Selina · Dan:Whatever. Just don't use my bathroom on Air Force Two. / There's another bathroom?

Dana · Selina:So cut to I'd set up a business importing pecorino cheese. Are you familiar with that brand of cheese? / Uh, I think... / It's like parmesan, but it's different. / They're very different.

Selina · Dana:And they would have made her an offer that she couldn't refuse. / Actually, the mafia involvement in the dairy industry is minimal. / You're right. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be flippant. / Think about it. In 'The Godfather,' no cheese.

Dana · Selina:Dana correcting Selina on pecorino vs. parmesan: 'Pecorino.' / '...the pecorino.' / 'I'm sorry.'

Selina · Gary:A new Leviathan! / A Lev... a new Leviathan! / Isn't that great?

Dana · Gary · Selina:I won't touch anything. Oops, I just started a war with Iran. / Joke. / That's not even remotely funny. / That's just one of my classic jokes.

Selina · Dana:Our European visit just got turned into a one-way trip to hell and back. / That's actually a return.

Selina:But, you know, you're gonna have your bag forever, so what the fuck?

Selina · Amy · Jonah:Who the hell does he think he is? / 'George Dennis' of 'Le Monde' called the vice president a typical American hick. / I think it's pronounced Georges Denis. / I'm not a hick. Screw you, Depardieu.

Selina:Get off the plane. / What? / Get off of the plane. / Ma'am, we're taxiing. / I don't give a shit. Get the fuck off my plane.

Selina · Jonah:I cannot believe that you put that out on Tumble. / No, Tumblr.

Selina · Jonah · Dan:All of your privileges are gonna be removed. / Okay, but not the parking. / Yeah, the parking. / Wait, what? You have parking? / Not anymore. / But I didn't even own a car. I just had to sign a two-year lease for the Nissan Cube.

Dan · Selina:He should really be on suicide watch. / Yeah, make sure he goes through with it.

Selina · Amy · Dan:Post-Jonah departure — 'Better?' / 'It's all good.' / 'Totally fine.' / 'Great.' — followed by a long silence beat.

Selina:Any burning effigies of me in the Balkans?

Selina · Gary:Look at you in your jammies.

Selina:This is Cipro. I don't have a urinary infection.

Selina:I need my little soldiers. I need my flaming redheads.

Selina:Europhobic? Seriously? What is that supposed to mean? I'm scared of subtitles?

Dan · Amy · Selina:So you guys all think of a card. I'm thinking nine of hearts. I'm thinking joker.

Selina:That was cold and hostile. Sure we didn't overshoot and land in Russia in the 1950s?

Selina:I must go to sleep now, Amy. I'm on your time... Helsinchronized.

Selina:Because no one will feed me? ... I don't, actually. How baffling.

Selina · Finnish PM:It's an Angry Bird. Because it wants to destroy all of the pigs. / And why is it so angry?

Selina:Although violence in games is a concern. But in this case, it's great fun to kill the pigs in a game, of course.

Selina · Finnish PM · entourage:[Reaction beat: uncomfortable silence/pause after Selina says 'it's great fun to kill the pigs']

Finnish PM · Selina:Finland, you are hefty.

Finnish PM · Selina:Uh-uh. That is the wrong word. Oh. Yes, it is ironic, no? Because Americans have a much greater body mass index than the Finns.

Selina:Ah, which is why I have recently launched my Get Moving campaign, which is aimed specifically at the obese and the morbidly obese.

Selina:So that song, unlike your career as communications director, will not die. So now you must go and apologize for the apology.

Selina · Finnish PM:We should keep this causing offense and then apology cycle going. You could step on my dress. I could sneeze in your drink. / I could say you have a weird-shaped head. Which of course you don't.

Selina:Oh, the tennis player? No. No. I'm joking. I'm joking now.

Selina:I've been negotiating my ass off all day. And it's number five, by the way.

Selina:Cool it, kassi.

Selina · Gary:Gary, my boob. / He grabbed it. / I'm the Vice President of the United States of America. / He just squeezed my tit like a balloon.

Selina:POTUS wouldn't have the balls to grope me.

Selina · Dan or Amy:We need to rain down the full might of our nuclear arsenal on Finland. / Mm-hmm. / That's the other thing I forgot to tell you. We're gonna blow up Finland.

Amy · Dan · Selina:It's not like we can go public about the grope. It would define you. / Your tit being fondled by a Finn would be all you're remembered for. / You can't build a statue on that.

Selina · Finnish PM:This fish is delicious. What is this fish? / It is chicken. / The breast? / Yes.

Selina:Oh, no. Don't feel ashamed, Gary. Because, of course, you're not a ball sack. And not everyone can say that they're not... excuse me, I'm so sorry... a ball sack. Not even everyone at this very table.

Selina:Well, the weather here in Helsinki has been... hellishly cold.

Selina:Where I come from, we kill people for looking at us funny. We waterboard folks who haven't even done anything. And you raped my tit.

Selina:So I'm coming for you 'cause I'm an Angry Bird right now... and you're a pig.

Selina · Amy:I stand with the president. / I stand with the president? / Why did I say that?

Amy · Selina:Can we pretend you didn't say it? / What will people think I mean? / That you stand with the president. / I mean, there's not a ton of ambiguity with that one.

Selina:Well, who knew that being sexually assaulted wouldn't be the worst thing to happen in my day, huh? That's something for the memoirs.

Selina · Amy · Gary:Yeah, you did, didn't you. / It's okay. / Did you hear that? / He's not. / Ma'am, are you okay? / I don't know. I guess so. Sure. / No.

Selina · Amy:I mean, would it be so hard for people not to be assholes? / I wouldn't know.

Amy · Dan · Selina:I just found out who that British reporter is. / 57 Twitter followers. / That's shit for a journalist.

Selina:Europe used to be my favorite continent. Now it's not even in my top five.

Selina:Europe used to be my favorite continent. Now it's not even in my top five.

Selina · Mary King:Selina's negotiation small talk: 'All you ever want for these kids is to be happy and healthy. And stay out of Middle East politics. So two out of three ain't bad.'

Selina:After Catherine's Middle East comment, Selina says 'I'm amazed you can laugh about that.' Selina replies flatly: 'Yes, that's what I do. I'm laughing about it.'

Selina · Mary King:Selina calls Mary's bluff: 'You stalling for time?' then offers a Kleenex, and adds: 'I think it's over. Sneezes always come in threes. Have you ever noticed that?' Mary: 'Really? Is that so?' — and then Mary sneezes a fourth time.

Selina · Mary King:Selina notices Mary may be about to faint: 'You're gonna faint?' Mary: 'I'm not-- oh, very funny.'

Selina · Gary · Mary King:Gary's cats cause Mary's allergic reaction — 'Oh, Gary has cats.' — and then 'Gary, deflower the room.'

Selina · unidentified staffer:'Gary, deflower the room.' / 'There's a sentence I bet you thought you'd never hear.'

Mary King · Selina:Mary insists they must finish the deal tonight; Selina notes she has her daughter's 21st birthday. Mary: 'Would you miss your son's Civil Union ceremony?' / 'I did.' / 'Oh. Well, then, you have to come to Catherine's.'

Selina:'Stick a coat and tie on a fucking oxygen tank.'

Mike · Selina:Selina: 'Some dumbass is resurrecting Meyer the Liar.' / Mike: 'Ugh, just because my last name rhymes with liar.'

Selina · Amy:Press release version two: 'Mary King steals peace pipe, breaks it in half, shits all over it.'

Gary · Selina:Andrew gave Selina a black Porsche for Valentine's Day that he bought with Catherine's trust fund money. 'He just fluffs ya, and then he fucks ya.'

Selina:Selina: 'I'm gonna be the sexiest woman to ever exude fiscal prudence. And that's a very fucking tough look to pull off.'

Selina · Ed:Selina meeting Ed: 'We met in... in Bumfuck, Idaho, I think it was.' / Ed: 'DC.' / Selina: 'Yes, yes. That's what I like to call DC as a joke.'

Selina · Catherine:Selina to Catherine: 'Don't you think that you and your friends would call this whole thing an epic succeed?'

Selina · Catherine:Catherine: 'Mom, you've invited the House Majority Leader to my birthday party?' / Selina: 'Yeah, sweetheart, it's the 100 billion cutoff. You've heard about that?' / 'Of course I've heard about that.' / 'Okay, so we are fixing the biggest problem facing the world right here, right now at your party. So that's kind of cool, don't you think?'

Selina · Rahim:Selina to Rahim: 'You drink alcohol?' / 'Yes, ma'am.' / 'Oh, you Iranians are full of surprises.'

Selina · aide:After Rahim says 'Salâmati' (cheers in Farsi), Selina and her aide: 'What did he just say?' / 'I don't know. Some gibberish. I can't understand him.'

Amy · Selina · Gary:Amy trying to limit Selina's Andrew time: 'The ex? Three minutes.' / Selina: 'What, are you negotiating already? I'll give you four.' / Amy: 'I'll cut her off at three, okay?'

Andrew · Selina:Andrew: 'What would your answer be?' / Selina: 'My answer would be Jesus fucking Christ.'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'Well, technically, ma'am, he had the palm of your hand in his hand.' / Selina: 'Oh.' / Gary: 'You need to be really careful, sweetie.'

Gary · Selina:Gary calls Selina 'sweetie' by accident, then is horrified

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'Oh my God, I'm sorry.' / Selina: 'That's what I call Dana.' / Gary: 'Did you ever call Dana ma'am?' / Gary: 'I did once and it was awful.'

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'If I were drunk right now, would you kiss me?' / Gary: 'Yeah.' / Selina: 'No, Gary, I'm kidding.' / Gary: 'Right.'

Selina · Mary King:In the middle of intense negotiations: 'Something sex my dick trick?' / 'Did you say dick?' / 'Sex your dick trick.'

Selina:Selina interrupting teenage girls' fight to say 'Hey gals, you need to keep it down, okay? There are other people in here trying to have a conversation.' — while she's negotiating federal fiscal policy

Selina · Mary King:Mary: 'I cannot stand teenage girls.' / Selina: 'Were you ever one?' / Mary: 'Never.' / Selina: 'Me neither.'

Selina:Selina's birthday speech that gradually collapses into proposing 'constructive talking time' and asking for 'chillaxing kind of music'

Selina:Selina: 'I'm swimming in it and I'm breathing it in through my snorkel.'

Catherine · Selina · Andrew:Catherine: 'Mom, you're doing your fake laugh again.' / Selina: 'What?' / 'Come on, this is nice.' / 'I can't tell if it's fake.' / 'You could never tell if it was fake.' / Andrew: 'Yes, I could.' / 'Mm-hmm. What are you, some sort of expert?' / 'In certain areas.'

Selina · Andrew:Andrew: 'I can't stand that alpha male arrogant thing.' / 'I really can't stand it, Andrew.' / '...And fuck you for thinking so.'

Andrew · Catherine · Selina:Andrew: 'Followed by long, hard... making up, right?' / Catherine: 'Okay, I feel like you're actually going to have sex on this table and that would truly ruin my birthday.' / Selina: 'Catherine, please. Nobody's having sex on the table.'

Selina · Andrew · Catherine:Selina: 'I mean, we are sexual beings, of course.' / 'Oh, my God.' / 'We had sex. We, you know-- I mean, great sex.' / 'Great sex.' / Catherine: 'Well, I'm going to have to text my therapist.'

Andrew · Selina · Catherine:Andrew: 'Great sex.' (echoing Selina's 'great sex') / Catherine: 'Well, I'm going to have to text my therapist.'

Selina:Selina learning Andrew's PAC funded both sides: 'I just was fluffed and then I got fucked.' — and then: 'Do you know-- smile. Smile, you stupid asshole. Make it bigger.'

Selina:Selina to Andrew, while smiling for cameras: 'Do you know-- smile. Smile, you stupid asshole. Make it bigger. There you go. Do you have any idea how the press is all over me right now? You're a stupid fucking prick.'

Selina · Andrew:Andrew: 'You're a stupid fucking prick.' / 'Right? You say it.' / 'I'm not gonna say that.'

Jonah · Selina:Jonah explaining the bad news: 'I think it looks like you guys are going to stab each other with steak knives.' / Selina: 'We're having a fight and we are smiling and putting a face on and you can do that, too. There you go.'

Selina · Amy:Amy tells Selina that POTUS is going to stall on the deal. Selina says: 'Oh, to congratulate me 'cause I made the deal last night.' / 'America thanks you.' / 'You're welcome.'

Selina:Selina on POTUS betrayal: 'Fuck POTUS. Right? And fuck Kent. They're just a bunch of fuckers.' — and then realizing she may have been photographed saying this.

Selina · Andrew:Selina: 'I was angry with you before, but I'm not angry with you now.' / Andrew: 'I understand that, honey.' / 'Don't call me honey for starters.'

Andrew · Selina · Catherine:Andrew tries to help Selina control the situation by saying 'I think that if you guys continue to smile, you're actually gonna get permanent lockjaw.' / Selina: 'She's so funny.' / Catherine: 'Sarcastic.'

Selina · Andrew · Catherine:The birthday cake blowout — Selina: 'Make a wish.' / Andrew blows out candles. / 'You can make your wish in the car.' — as everyone flees the venue

Selina · Andrew · Catherine:Andrew jumps out of the car mid-argument: 'What? You're getting out here?' / 'Yep.' / 'What are you talking about?' / 'I've got to go.' / 'Wait. Andrew, wait. Wait. We need to talk.' / Andrew: 'Bye, honey. Happy birthday.' / 'God damn it.'

Gary · Selina:Gary shrieks at a rat on the garbage, then insists 'that was a shout' and 'yeah, 'cause I'm a man. I have a man's voice.'

Selina · Colleague:Selina announces skeleton staff; a colleague says 'So Keith stays, right?' and when asked why, responds 'He's skinny like a skeleton.'

Selina · Dan · Gary:Dan is furloughed over Gary because 'you two do similar jobs'; Dan asks 'Does that mean he makes more money than I do?'

Selina · Gary:The Secret Service is calling Gary 'Girly Shirley Temple'

Sue · Selina · Gary · Amy:Sue is furloughed; she immediately bursts into dignified crying while the staff awkwardly console her

Selina · Amy · Gary:Dan takes his furlough like 'Spock — he doesn't show his emotions.' 'Ever?' 'Ever?' 'No, not even then.' 'You're kidding me.'

Gary · Amy · Selina:Dan laughed once — when the security guard fell off his Segway. 'Is laughter an emotion?'

Selina:Selina watching Chung on TV: 'See, this is the problem with high-definition. You don't want to see a dick in hi-def.'

Chung · Gary · Selina:Chung says 'vanquish the stench' about the shutdown; cut immediately to Gary announcing he removed Selina's actual garbage

Selina · Amy · Gary:Selina panics that a private garbage contractor could 'go through all of my trash and put it up on the Internet'

Selina:Selina delivers 'uppity princess in her perfumed palace' in a fake British accent, then immediately adds 'Is what other people would say. I'm not saying that. Not me.'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'How am I gonna know which bags are yours? Do you want to let me know some of the things that are in the bags?'

Selina · Gary:Extended awkward silence after Selina takes Gary aside privately; just two voices saying 'What the...' and 'Fuck.' then silence

Amy · Selina:Amy tells Selina she's been seeing Andrew. Selina: 'Seeing him? Like you would see someone for lunch or a game of cards?' Amy confirms they have lunch, then sex, and 'not really cards so much.'

Amy · Selina:Amy's advice to Selina about Andrew oscillates wildly: 'You dump him overboard'... 'Okay, then you see where it goes'... 'No, I have to end it'... 'Yeah'... 'But I can't.'... 'I'm glad we talked. On the same page.'

Selina · Speaker Jim:Speaker Jim and Selina debate whether old furniture being 'uncomfortable as hell' is a meaningful historical lesson; Jim: 'They were laced into their clothing. Freezing cold or hot as hell.' Selina: 'Yeah, and I'm just talking about the 1970s.' Jim: 'I'm not. I was thinking of the 18th century.'

Jim · Selina:Subtext decoded: POTUS's 'feisty operator and fine VP / tried her best / tough call' — Jim explains 'Subtext, ma'am... you failed.'

Selina · Speaker Jim:Selina insists 'fine and successful are synonyms'; Jim says she's 'grasping at straws'; she corrects 'grasping FOR straws'

Selina:Selina to Jim: 'You're a lot older than me. If you die within the next six years, I will be attending your funeral and giving a eulogy... and it is gonna be full of subtext. Chock-full of subtext.'

Mike · Amy · Selina:The team discusses a man killed by a bear near a ranger station closed by the shutdown; Mike speculates 'he must have goaded him... forcing the bear to dance'

Selina:Selina: 'Implicit like a "kick me" sticker on my keister would be implicit?'

Selina:Selina: 'Yeah, let me tell you something. This ass is closed for business. This ass is in clench-down. I don't want to be a decoy. Let the president take it in the ass. He might like it.'

Selina:Selina: 'Now I'm to blame because some goober got all eaten up by a bear?'

Mike · Selina · Amy:Mike announces three tasks. Selina says 'And that's two things.' Amy says 'Yeah, as well as getting in touch with the press guys?' Selina confirms, 'Two things.' Mike: 'Call the Guinness Book of World Records.' 'Oh, no, no — that would be three things.'

Selina:Selina: 'Yeah, I know he's fucking furloughed because I'm the fucker who furloughed him.'

Selina · Amy:Selina: 'We're gonna have to unenfurlough Sue.' Amy: 'Unenfur—' Selina: 'We'll have to get Sue back.'

Roger Furlong · Selina:Roger Furlong on pizza: 'The Chinese invented pizza.' Selina: 'No, they didn't.' Roger: 'Yeah, they did.'

Selina · Roger Furlong:Selina and Roger's card game negotiation: 'I would have guessed Old Maid.' 'Want to play Go Fish?' 'Sure.' 'Yeah, you can start calling me the Hurty Dirty Man.' 'Yeah, I'm not gonna call you that.'

Roger Furlong · Selina:Roger uses 'Silence of the Lambs' as a metaphor for cooperation: 'I know, it's hard to believe that they have female FBI agents. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.' Selina: 'I love that kind of misogyny.'

Selina · Roger Furlong · Will:Selina and Roger agree to a deal without explicitly agreeing: 'Just to be clear, Roger, you're not asking for anything and I'm not agreeing to anything.' Roger to Will: 'Did you hear what we said, Will?' Will: 'No, ma'am.'

Selina:Selina calls Dan back from furlough: 'Dan, your 15 minutes of furlough are over. I need you back. To the Bastardmobile.'

Selina · Amy:NASA visit was rescheduled. Selina: 'Aw, crap. I wanted to meet the NASA guys.' Amy: 'Gary, they don't even walk on the moon anymore. They're basically a bunch of nerds who work in a hangar.'

Selina:Selina is told the alternative is a visit to a waste management plant: 'Okay, I don't know what is the most depressing word in that sentence.'

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'Gary wouldn't do something that idiotic, would you, Gary?' Gary: 'Well, under certain circumstances, a garbage service...' Selina: 'Ah!' Gary: 'Yeah, no, no. I get it. I understand now.'

Selina · Gary · Amy:Gary is furloughed mid-scene. 'Hey, Gary.' 'Yeah?' 'You're furloughed.' 'No!' / 'I got Sue.' (sigh)

Selina · Gary:Gary is furloughed for the second time in the episode. He has a brief moment of resignation then realizes Sue is now in.

Jonah · Selina · Sue:Jonah: 'Ma'am, I helped with the garbage.' Selina: 'Oh, you helped with the... with the garbage?' (pause) 'Sue. Could you get in touch with what's-his-fuck at the State Department.'

Selina · Jonah:Jonah asks Selina to fast-track his passport. Selina: 'Okay, Gary, get out. Go fuck yourself, Jonah.' Jonah cites being G8 advance team. 'Go, period, fuck, period, yourself, exclamation point.'

Amy · Selina:Amy: 'Did you just furlough Gary and Mike when I was in the bathroom?' Selina: 'I did. So Sue's the new Gary and you are still the Amy.'

Selina:Sue: 'Amy, why is everybody else in charge of my image except me?' — attributed to Selina but filtered through Sue's monitoring

Selina · Dan:Selina's pep talk to herself about Janet Ryland: 'She's staid, she's stately. She's old and cold and I'm warm and... Young?' '...Young, exactly. And I'm a mother. So we should round up Catherine, at gunpoint, if we have to.'

Selina · Dan:Dan suggests Janet Ryland. Selina reacts with obvious horror at 'First Response.' Then: 'Oh. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a great idea. That's precisely what I want to do, Dan. Good.'

Selina · Garbage Worker Joe:Selina asks the garbage facility worker how much is spent per ton on recycling vs collection, citing specific figures ($71 vs $86); the worker says: 'Ma'am, I just shovel it. I don't account for it.'

Selina:Selina to the worker after asking if he's married: '...Ah, that's lovely.' [Episode ends]

Selina:'Welcome, America.' — Selina's grandiose aside to no one in particular as Dan describes the interview as 'America is a guest in your home'

Dan · Selina:The 'bluff puff' / 'rough puff' media strategy taxonomy, culminating in 'All right, Puff Daddy'

Selina · Gary:'What is this one doing?' / 'He is moving a legless horse.'

Dan · Selina · Amy:Bluff puff... rough puff. Nobody does rough puff like you. Rrr. Give me that rough puff. / All right, Puff Daddy.

Selina · Gary:The microphone packing problem — 'looks like I'm masturbating if I got my hands in my pockets' / 'too FDR?'

Selina:Selina asks the camera crew to kneel because she 'feels like she fell into a well'

Selina:Selina mid-prep: 'Well, I took my ex down to the river and I tried to smash his head in with a rock and then drown--'

Selina:Selina: 'But my spam filter did.' (responding to whether she got Janet's e-mail on interview topics)

Janet · Selina:Janet: 'I thought it might be fun to talk about what's original and what's been augmented over the years. We're talking about the building, right?' / Selina: 'Because I'm original.'

Selina:objay-ects-- objects

Selina:'Jolly Jack Tars' — Selina's inexplicably nautical enthusiasm for Navy antiques

Selina · Janet:Janet pivots from the navigational device tour to asking about the CIA operative; Selina retreats to: 'This is a bell.'

Selina · Janet:Selina to Janet during the no-sound hallway walk: 'I'm really hoping that that's gonna be the last and only gotcha question.' / Janet: 'It just seemed to me that you were wanting me to bring it up.'

Selina:Selina: 'I hate this house, to tell you the truth. It's like living in a doll's jail.'

Selina:Lighting/body issues: Selina puts hands as directed and says 'that looks like I have a stomachache'

Selina:Selina: 'Sadly, I don't have a lot of time to read fiction.' (about Randall Howard's political couples book)

Janet · Selina:Janet drops the Andrew email bomb on camera: 'a blog has reported that your ex-husband promised a lobbyist favorable access to your office'

Selina:Selina: 'I'm guessing that that was meant as some sort of a joke.' (about Andrew's email on live camera)

Selina:Selina: 'We're not telepathically linked. He can't read my mind.'

Gary · Selina:Gary adjusts Selina's microphone at the break and gets yelled at: 'Ow! Whoa! Okay, my ears are my livelihood.'

Selina · Andrew:Selina confronts Andrew: 'When I invited you here to the residence to fuck me, I didn't mean this.'

Selina:Selina: 'That is right. I am the Vice President of the United States and I choose now not to fuck you anymore.'

Selina · Camera Director:No, no, I understand what an entrance is and how to greet people. I get that. / That's great. Oh, here he comes! / No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

Selina · Cody Marshall:The film crew asks to shoot Andrew's 'entrance' at the attic for establishing shots; Selina: 'We don't have a front door in our attic like in some sort of Dr. Seuss book'

Janet · Selina:Sometimes filming these off-guarded moments, things get a little tense. / Well, no, it's not tense at all. We're having a great time and I'm thrilled you guys are here.

Selina:Selina, after announcing the shutdown resolution: 'It's like when you loosen a pickle jar and somebody comes by and they just open it. This is the shutdown lid loosener.'

Jonah · Selina:Knock, knock, J Rock is in the-- / Whoa, whoa, whoa. / We're in the middle of filming.

Janet · Selina:Janet: 'The resolution took less time than you anticipated.' / Selina: 'Well, it took all the time leading up to this time.' / Janet: 'So you were expecting a solution today?' / Selina: 'Yes, I was, yes.'

Selina:Janet, it's like when you loosen a pickle jar and somebody comes by and they just open it. This is the shutdown lid loosener.

Selina:Janet presses on the shutdown deal details; Selina: 'I can— it's— you know— I can and I also want to eat some lunch. Are we hungry?'

Selina:Selina desperately searches for a peeler in an unfamiliar kitchen — 'I know this kitchen like the back of my hand' — while the camera crew watches

Selina:Where -- I'm trying to remember where -- you know how sometimes you have something in your kitchen, you know where it is, and then all of a sudden you can't find it? And that is what's happened to me right now.

Selina · Camera Person:Camera person: 'I'm not here.' / Selina immediately forgets and talks to them: 'I'm talking to myself. Where are you, peeler?'

Selina:'Are you working for the vegetable lobby?' — Selina to Catherine after she effusively praises vegetables

Selina:Grass-fed cattle and free-range chickens... [long pause, trails off]

Selina · Catherine:Selina to Catherine: 'You never told me that you were a vegetarian.' / Catherine: 'I told you three months ago.'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'Now that she mentions it, I think it does sound familiar.' / Selina: 'Completely useless.'

Selina · Catherine:Selina: 'You swallowed chicken your entire life. You're gonna do it again today.' / Catherine: 'I swallowed your bullshit my entire life.'

Selina · Andrew:Selina: 'Well, actually, he did okay with his own kids. It's when other kids got involved that it got real dicey. But, no, then he did dangle that one from a great height.' — Andrew's reaction as [stage direction implied]

Selina · Andrew · Catherine · Janet:Favorite family vacation question reveals: Selina says 'White water rafting,' Andrew says 'Italy,' Catherine says 'Disneyland' then reveals Rosa the housekeeper took her

Selina · Catherine · Janet · Andrew · Selina:No, honey, we didn't ever go to Disneyland. / Oh, no, you didn't take me. Rosa took me with her family. / Who's Rosa? / She was a... / She was... / housekeeper. / Housekeeper, that's right.

Selina:Selina: 'India was awful.' (as a competing vacation memory, cutting off Catherine's Disneyland story)

Selina:How about this? How about I lift up my dress, give everyone a big fat shot of my cooch?

Gary · Selina:Use the Force, ma'am. / I don't even know what that means. / Big and bold. What do you mean? Like a medley from 'Okla'-fucking-'homa'?

Andrew · Selina:Perhaps it's possible that I have overplayed my hand. / Well, I think it's safe to say that Andrew overreached and just said something silly.

Janet · Selina:Janet: 'I'm sorry, was that a question for me or Selina?' / Selina: 'I think that question is for me.'

Selina:Selina interrupts Andrew's stonewalling: 'I want to talk about the spy. The CIA operative.'

Selina:Selina's big interview closer: 'Because in politics, a backbone and a heart are only as good as your ears. And my ears are my livelihood.'

Selina:'I mean, I lied and everything, but it sounded true, at least.'

Selina:'I can run that thing in a suit of armor.'

Selina:'Give them all donor boners.'

Selina:'Hey, why doesn't POTUS just make an apology? I mean, I did and I was only, like, suicidal for a week. Huh?'

Selina:'Sidney Purcell, talking to him, it's like being stuck in a sewer pipe filled with dead rats.'

Selina · Gary:'I know what this is all about. This is a political prick tease today.' / 'Yeah, and we're about to meet a bunch of pricks.'

Selina · Staff:Selina: 'You know, my niece loves Katy Perry.' Staff: 'Just like I said, get Dan.'

Dan · Selina:'The Young Chungers.' / 'It's like you think in hashtags.'

Selina:'You're young, you're hip, you're hop.'

Sue · Selina:Elvis Costello suggestion rejected: 'What? No, no, and no.' / 'Are you getting these all from your iPod?' / 'No. I think it's in a cloud.'

Selina:'I feel like one of those old used footballs that they fixed up for the kids at an orphanage.'

Selina · Gary:Gary: 'Who has the presidential suite?' Selina: 'I heard Russell Crowe.' Gary: 'Russell Crowe, Gladiator.' Selina: '"I'll be back."'

Gary · Selina:Gary reveals his backstory: grew up in Birmingham, Alabama; father 'always wanted a man for a son'; parents are celebrating their 40th anniversary. Selina: 'Can I come?'

Selina:Selina high on St. John's wort/antidepressants: 'God, I hope Iran drops a nuke on DC. Wouldn't that solve a lot of issues?'

Selina:Selina: 'Except Kent wouldn't go anywhere. He'd still be around. He's like an undead cockroach with his... He's got that blank look. I bet he doesn't even have a come face.'

Selina · Amy:'Can you imagine fucking that guy?' — Amy's appalled reaction

Selina:Selina immediately pivots to: 'Amy, you have such pretty blonde hair. Doesn't she? So pretty.'

Gary · Selina:Gary and Selina vocalizing and dancing together about going to the anniversary party

Gary · Selina:Gary and Selina vocalizing dance moves together / 'Dance on.' / 'I'm really excited for that party.'

Dan · Mike · Selina:Dan buys Mike's boat while Selina is clearly intoxicated: 'Shake on it, Magic Mikey.' / Mike: 'You just got a boat.' Dan: 'And I just got a vote.'

Amy · Selina:Amy: 'Look, she is fuckin' high right now.' (beat) / [sound of Selina urinating] / [Selina laughing]

Selina · Gary:'There's something so sexy about being in a hotel in the middle of the day, right?' Gary: 'Yep, four people to one toilet. You can hear everything that hits the water.'

Selina · Ben:Reporter asks about the run; VP: 'I fully intend to run.' — the room hears it as presidential announcement. Ben: 'Oh, no, that's a fucking wire brush to my hemorrhoids.'

Selina · Mike · Reporter:Reporter: 'Were there any mitigating circumstances? Was there carpeting or...' / Mike: 'Yes.' / Selina: 'Yes.' / Mike: 'There was.' / Selina: 'Yes, it has been confirmed that there was carpeting there.'

Selina · Mike · Dan · Gary:The Taiwan cartoon: anime-style news report showing Selina walking into a glass door, everyone laughing including Selina

Selina · Staff:'They're asking if you're up to the job, ma'am.' Selina: 'Am I up to the job? Ooh, jeez... Seriously, I am totally overqualified for this job.'

Selina:Flowers from Secretary Maddox: 'Good luck with your Fun Run. Try not to swear when the starter pistol goes off.' / Selina: 'He's just a varicose dick vein. I can't stand that guy.'

Selina:Selina: 'Like Sophie's Choice choices, except more important because it's gonna be about me.'

Gary · Selina:Gary tries to stop Selina: 'No, your face looks fine. You're beating a disabled guy.' Selina: 'Oh, come on. Don't be so hard on yourself, Gary.'

Selina:Selina (panting, mid-race): 'Cut to the chase, Amy. I'm being overtaken by a banana.'

Selina:Selina: 'Yeah, I'm not gonna get beaten by a banana.'

Selina:Post-race: Selina says she's 'done' — the team thinks she means tired. She means: 'I am done. I am done with all of it. The vice presidency... Forget it.'

Selina:Selina post-race epiphany: 'I smell like a hobo's craphole.'

Selina:Selina: 'I smell like a hobo's craphole.'

Selina:Selina, mid-political-declaration: 'Hey, do you know what my time was, by the way? Like an eight-minute mile. That.'

Selina · Mike:Mike: 'Hey, ma'am. I have some sort of hazy memory of me promising to buy your boat.' [pause] 'Yeah, you did. Well remembered.' Selina: 'That's not gonna happen. You can't hold me to that, right?' Mike: 'Yeah, no. Sure. Of course.'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'Hey, ma'am. About my parents' party...' Selina: 'What? I thought your parents were dead.'

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'I mean, why wouldn't I make that assumption? Why wouldn't...' Gary: 'Right. Yeah, totally. Yeah.' Selina: 'All right, let's back up for a second here. Your parents are not dead.' Gary: 'Nope. Mmm-mmm.' Selina: 'It's so funny that you thought that they were, too.'

Selina:Selina: Oh, God. I hate impeachments. They're so '90s.

Selina:Jonah, don't talk, don't stay. You need to fuck off and go back to Westworld.

Selina:Three fucks, you're out.

Gary · Selina:Ma'am, you have my deepest, deepest sympathies. / Okay, well, I'm not dead.

Selina:Well, your devotion to this job... it's just inspiring, Dan.

Gary · Selina:Hey, ma'am, you know you're gonna break the president's heart with this news. / Wish I could break his spine. But I can't, 'cause it's made of Jell-O.

Ben · Selina:Are you finishing my sentence or are you telling me that again? / Both.

Selina:Your news is probably more like a page six, Kardashian crap news.

Selina · Ben:Are you serious? / No, I'm Joan fucking Rivers. Of course I'm serious.

Selina · Ben:Ben, I am crying very quietly on the inside. / While in your mind you're doing pirouettes on his grave.

Selina:Selina alone after receiving the news, suppressing a squeal, then whispering 'Yes! Fuck! Gosh!' in rapid succession

Roger · Selina:Yeah, I'm burning calories with the old anxiety diet. You know, the anxiet. / If you want to get some cardio exercise, you have to have a heart.

Selina · Roger:Where did you hear this rumor? / Oh, I heard it from the Gingerhead Man. The gash with the stash. McLintock.

Selina · Roger:I am absolutely running in two years. And then four years after that, reelection, baby. / What do you mean reelection?

Selina · Roger:It's like saying flammable or inflammable. It's the same thing. / I smell a fucking rat. / Oh, stop it. / I'll tell you what it is, too. It's this whole administration. And I'm gonna light a fire under the whole thing. Then we'll find out whether it's flammable or inflammable.

Selina · Jonah:You like to have sex and you like to travel? / Yes, ma'am. / Then you can fuck off.

Selina · Ed:Can you give me some time with my core team? Um, Br-- Br- / Ed. / Bre-- Ed. / Of course.

Dan · Selina · Dan:Uh, I've accepted a number of posts. / Did you say a number? / Currently four.

Selina · Dan:Wow. You're gonna cancel them, right? / Oh, clearly. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Selina:Wait a minute. You're choosing dead milk over me?

Selina:Like I'm Marilyn Monroe, just JFK the fuck out of me.

Selina · Amy:No, it's all about crazy money, Ame. He's got the crazy money and I'm crazy enough to go get it. / As long as it's strictly business.

Selina:You know, listen, just ignore that earlier me. The 'Little House on the Prairie' bullshit.

Selina · Mike:Well, from up here, they look like ants. / ( Mike chuckles ) / That's a joke. / Because they are ants.

Selina · Amy:What? I didn't say anything to that crusty ass clown. / I might have mixed up a couple words, but...

Selina:I've got to get out of here before I set fire to one of these nerds.

Selina:Don't fuck this up. This is a public relations nightmare waiting to happen.

Selina:Oh, good, more hurt and disappointment.

Selina:You get fucked by everybody in DC -- your friends, your enemies, your colleagues, your fucking family. That's Washington, DC, for you. DC -- District of Cunts.

Andrew · Selina:You've got to mello yellow. / Don't tell me not to panic. I know how to freak out, okay? Everybody can just shut the shit up.

Selina:We got to make a statement. Because I think POTUS is coming here to kick me off the ticket. And I've got to make a statement saying I'm leaving the ticket before he drops me from it. I've got to jump before we get stabbed in the back.

Selina:I'm gonna run against Chung. Okay? I'm gonna take myself off the ticket. I'll run against Chung and I'll run against POTUS. It'll be like a political massacre.

Amy · Selina · Gary · Selina:Quit freaking out. You need to get your head together. / What do you mean? The president's gonna be here any second. / Lookie, lookie, lookie, lookie. / This is for you. / What? / It's like a Pecorino peace offering.

Selina:Am I about to get whacked?

Selina · Dan · Selina · Dan · Amy · Selina:What? What? What? What? / Yep. / You're kidding. / No. / And so it begins. / Yeah, with a kick to the tits.

Selina · Gary:Who gives a flying fuck? / ( all laugh ) / Not yet. / Sorry. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.

Jonah · Selina · Jonah:Oh, hello, kids. / Oh, my God, have you been here this whole time? / M&Ms for the scientists.

Selina:I think that the president should only have her staff here. / Or his staff. You know, their staff. I mean, I've never seen -- like that one we just passed, I don't know who that person is. I've never seen that person in my life. No business being here.

Selina:Politics is about people, don't you think? Yeah. It is when you think about it. 'Cause without people, you can't have politics.

Selina · Reporter(implied):Selina did not plagiarize Danny Chung's speech. Mike's already told you that. / No, I am not plagiarizing Mike. I know it's boring, but, hey, I'm boring.

Ed · Selina · Ed:We're still together, right? / Ed, I haven't got time. / Time for us or do you mean time as a general concept?

Selina:Was your mom plagiarizing the Bible when she said, 'Oh, God, oh, God'?

Selina:The president's chair is a couple inches higher than the rest of the chairs in the Oval Office. And I used to think, 'Oh, my God, that's so ridiculous.' But now I think it makes sense because I think it's a good psychological trick.

Science Kid · Selina:When I grow up, I want to be vice president just like you. / Oh, no, you don't. You want to be president.

Staffer · Selina:Is this a Star Wars reference, 'A New Beginning'? / Our Next American Journey.

Selina · Staffer:Too late to change it? / It is. Yeah.

Selina:I call it Some New Beginnings because it's plural.

Wendy · Selina:It happened so fast. Mike just makes me laugh. As a matter of fact, the first time we met, I was carrying this cheese Danish and... / Then you got married. And I love that story.

Wendy · Selina:Mike is not. / Okay. Bye-bye. Thanks.

Audience member · Selina:What's your favorite word? / Next!

Selina · Gary:Gary just usually makes up an excuse. / Uh, ladies and gentlemen, the Vice President has to step out for a moment to take a phone call with a senator. He's having a big problem.

Ben · Selina:He was a 4'11" stick of dynamite. / A great man inside a small man.

Selina:Oh, they're at Mike's wedding. / I kinda miss 'em. / Oh, it's just Gary. Press ignore.

Ben · Selina:Look at us. You pretending to be me signing a book I didn't even write. That's politics in a nutsack.

Selina · Ben:Footsteps to the Future... Red, White and You... Yes Hands of Our Children. / What? / It's like a massacre or something.

Selina:I was so busy listening to these stupid fucks, I didn't listen to this voice in my own head saying, 'This is dog shit. Selina, this is complete dog shit. Don't step in it, don't... You just stepped in it.'

Selina:Eighteen months is an entire pregnancy with another entire pregnancy tacked onto the end of it.

Selina:Um, could you go sit in that chair over there?

Ben · Selina:All right, let's go! Let's go meet and grieve. / We'll meet Ericsson, and we'll grieve little Ricky.

Selina · Ben:Yeah, God rest his tiny soul. / I know. You know, I heard that dog picked him up and shook him really bad.

Selina:Stop flapping your vestigial limbs around. The line on Maddox is one more old man has gone off to play chess in the park.

Selina:And somebody find out who WestWingMan is. FYI, it may not be his real name.

Selina · Dan:Dan, listen. We're going to have to do something if Maddox is actually gonna run. / Yes, ma'am, yes. I was voted Most Likely To Do Something Now in my class yearbook.

Selina:the closest you'll get to a political career will be selling Nixon masks at a Halloween shop

Richard · Selina · Ben:POTUS isn't seeking re-election? / I said don't blurt. You blurted. / You blurted about running. / You're running?

Selina · Ben:Ben, can you not keep a cat in a bag for one fuckin' second? / Now we're gonna have to kill him.

Richard · Selina:Ma'am, if you need any help with your campaign, I'm real good in a high-pressure situation. / Really? In what sense 'good'?

Richard · Selina · Ben:I was all over that book line thing. / Yeah. I tell you what, get the driver to turn the air conditioning on, okay? 'Cause I'm boiling up here. / I can do that! / How do I do that? / Just open the door while we're moving, climb under the car like Indiana Jones, pop up on the hood and write a note on the windshield.

Ben · Selina:Okay, that's Isaac Denisov from Change.org. She hates him. / This way, ma'am. You hate him. / Oh, yeah. That's the first one you've got right today.

Gary/staffer · Selina:The prime minister of Scotland is on the line right now. / It sounds important.

Cowgill's nephew · Selina · Ben:Madam Vice President? / Yes? / I was Rick's nephew. / Are you kidding me? / This is Cowgill's nephew. / If they tell her who they are, you don't have to say anything.

Selina:That bag of wrist slits got the nomination? With that face and that personality?

Selina:You think I got here just 'cause I got $50 million in the bank and this amazing ass?

Staffer · Ben · Selina:He was an avid fisherman. / And he collected beer labels. / What are you gonna do with that?

Selina:Rick's life reflects America. He was an avid fisherman. And as a congressman, gosh, did he know how to cast upstream, to anticipate it. And when he got that first bite, whoa, did he reel it in. He was a nuanced politician with a mighty big collection of beer labels.

Selina:Well, I blew the fuckin' roof off of this church, didn't I? They loved that beer labels anecdote. Why would anyone collect those?

Selina:Well, all my orgasms have come at once.

Richard · Selina:Book tour, day six. Cedar Rapids, here we come. / Oh, Jesus Christ. I hate politics.

Selina:Ladies and gentlemen, Vice President Selina Meyer! / I wanted to say a few words and speak very frankly. I was gonna say 'baldly,' but I know how sensitive Mike is about his hair.

Selina:We all know how much Mike loves his boat. And I'll tell you something. If he ever chose to fish, I know that he'd be able to cast upstream, to anticipate, and at that very first bite, reel it in. 'Cause that's the kind of guy that Mike is.

Selina:Some New Beginnings: Their Next American Journey!

Selina · Amy:The world only just heard POTUS isn't running again so obviously we're not here and this doesn't exist. / Your campaign office. / What are these? These are the stables?

Selina · Kelly:I'm afraid I don't know who you are. / I'm Kelly. / Hi, Kelly. / I'm working on your campaign. / Great. / And I'll be taking photographs today.

Amy · Selina:I don't know why Richard is here. / You said he was really good on the book tour. / No, I was trying to keep you from worrying about me.

Amy · Selina:Oh. / You're welcome.

Selina · Kelly:Oh, my God. What is your name? I'm so sorry. / It starts with a K. / No, could you just tell me? / It's Kelly.

Dan · Selina:Yeah, and just hang back here, do a little pre-prep. / Why would that be, Dan? Is that a pre-stabbing in my pre-back?

Dan · Selina:"The only laundering you're gonna be doing from now on is gonna be prison blankets." / That's kind of clever.

Selina:So, here... it begins here, "in this Polish dungeon."

Selina · Amy:The drugs stop here. / Oh! / No, no, don't say anything right after, 'cause it ruins it. / The drugs stop here. / We need to go, ma'am. / Yes, yes. Just one second. / 'They stop here'... firm. / The drugs stop here. / Nice.

Selina · Kelly:This definitely does not do video. / I'm sorry? / Then what were you doing? / Perfect. / Use your common sense next time.

Selina:You just gonna sit there, 'SpongeBob'?

Selina · Amy · Unknown:Are you getting 'pre-sick'? / Get downstairs. / It's 'below deck.'

Selina:Wow. We need to get a photo of me with him surrendering. Is that wrong to do that?

Drug suspect · Selina:Hey, I voted for you! / Thank you very much, sir, but I'm afraid you have to go to prison!

Selina · Gary · Amy:Gary. / You gotta get a shot of this. / Ma'am... / Swords. He's got swords. / Fuck the swords. POTUS just announced that he's now pro-life.

Selina:What? / Our POTUS? The POTUS?

Selina:Okay, Amy, I do not mean to sound paranoid, but he is trying to kill me.

Selina:This is the unflushable turd that is left in the can for the next person... e.g., me.

Unknown · Selina · Unknown:Has POTUS gone nuts? / We can't have a crazy president. / In Italy they do.

Selina:I'll listen the shit out of every one of those morons.

Selina:I can't identify myself as a woman. People can't know that. Men hate that. And women who hate women hate that... which I believe is most women, don't you agree with that?

Mike · Selina · Ben:Oh, Jonah knows we opened a campaign office. / He came by my house... Wendy's house. / You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house? / And you didn't shoot him?

Selina · Ben:Jesus. Fucking Kent. / I can't listen to that 'Joan Crawford' bitch about 'Bette Davis' any longer.

Selina · Amy · Dan:Is there a third door? / What, like a woman's door? A back door? No. / A trapdoor?

Selina:Why do I gotta deal with this pile of ass in the middle of the night? / Because we need to get first dibs on a statement.

Selina · Dan:Well, you know what I think. I'm a Christian. I'm not going to deny that. / Please, do not go religious. Go ambiguous. / By saying what? / 'Blah, blah, blah, blah... abortion, blah, blah blah blah'? / Sounds good to me.

Selina:Get the government out of my fuckin' snatch.

Selina · Ben:Is there a 'pro-I don't give a shit' lobby? / Yeah. You're looking at him. / I got posters, buttons... not really, 'cause I don't give a shit.

Selina:If I say that I am pro-life, then I'm a traitor to my sex. If I say that I'm pro-choice, then I'm a traitor to the president. Which makes me an actual traitor, by the way.

Selina:As a woman, I am not gonna put in a fuckin' sentence, 'as a woman.' I'm not putting my eggs in that basket.

Gary · Selina:I've laid out a line of fruit for you. / What is this? / It's the size of the baby in different stages during pregnancy. / It would take a brain about this size to think that shit's useful.

Selina:And you need to stop calling these things babies.

Selina:I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the fuck out of you. / Shall I print that up on a T-shirt that I could give to you?

Selina:Moving on... and Dan may be quite soon...

Selina · Sue:Sue, help Kent finish polling now. / Okay, but if he touches my hair, I'm calling the police.

Selina:I really did want to see you first, Your Excellency, because I wanted to get a little extra time with you. / Let me just do one quick thing, excuse me. / Make sure you cancel everything, please, so I can get plenty of time with the cardinal.

Selina:Okay, so now the phones have taken a vow of silence.

Selina · Cardinal Branzini · Gary:That is a gorgeous color on you, by the way. / Thank you. So where is the VP's thinking on this? / Thinking... There's a lot of numbers being thrown out. Speaking of numbers, there's over 30,000 tiles... / That's not really the kind of numbers I'm talking about.

Phone caller · Selina · Aide:Frankly, ma'am, our position hasn't changed one inch. / Well, you know what? It's a matter of conviction for me, too. / Pro-life. / They're pro-choice.

Selina · Unknown:Oh, my God. / God, the lighting is so unflattering. / Can I ask you a question? Are you hiding from someone? / Aren't we all hiding from somebody?

Gary · Selina:She was from the A-D-CCP. Sorry. / And who are they? / I'm not quite sure. / Oh. / It's in my phone.

Mike · Selina:See that, ma'am? / I've got Cunningham. I know, he's pro-choice. / Life! / Got it.

Selina:Should we all quit and go home and go to bed 'cause you're so tired?

Selina · Kent:Let me see this. What is this spike right here? / The 'I Don't Knows.' / Okay, so I am looking at a page and I am seeing most of America standing up proudly and saying, 'I don't know.' / We were shocked ourselves.

Selina · Kent:I wonder who should be my campaign strategist in the next election. / 'I don't know.' / I will redouble my efforts to win your support.

Selina:The man's obsessed with me.

Selina:I believe that life is precious. / And so are the hard-won freedoms that women throughout America enjoy today. / As a woman myself,

Selina:Well, I said nothing. A big, fat, morbidly obese nothing.

Selina:And I'm not wearing a flag pin. Whose fault is that, by the way?

Gary · Selina:Look what I got. Look what I got. / I got a special treat for you. / Gary, you are my angel of baked goods. / Well, every angel needs an archangel.

Selina · Gary:You are always gonna be my bodyman. / Yeah. / Especially when I'm president. / And I've got eight years of treats planned for you.

Gary · Selina:I can put this in balls. Little watermelon balls in a bowl? / Definitely not.

Gary · Selina:Don't put 'Oprah' on. You don't like that. / Mm-mm. / You wanna watch 'Top Chef'? / No. / How about 'Project Runway'? / No. / 'Survivor'? / Yeah.

Selina:I can't watch myself anymore.

Selina:Selina: 'My second marriage took place in the rain. You can see my nipples in all the photos.'

Selina:Selina: 'All great speeches are done outside. Gettysburg, Mount Sinai... the speech I made in Philadelphia three weeks ago.'

Selina · Staff:Staff sycophantically agrees the Philadelphia speech was 'fantastic' / 'fucking fantastic,' then one admits it was inside — which means Selina's entire argument collapses.

Selina:Selina mistakes 'Alicia Bryce' for 'Alicia Keys' on the phone.

Selina:Selina yelps 'Hi-i-i!' when Alicia gets on the phone, doing a performatively enthusiastic greeting that is pure political artifice

Selina:Selina, still on the phone performing enthusiasm: 'Yeah, we are delighted too!' — to a phone that has already hung up.

Selina · Kent:Selina: 'Children are of no value. Forget child care.' / Staff member: 'Children are vital, Kenny Rogers.' / Selina: 'We're not all planning to die alone like you.'

Kent · Selina · Mike:Kent greets Alicia Bryce with a flat 'Sure.' — then Selina's aside: 'Whatever it is I'm selling, he is not buying.' / Mike: 'Don't worry, he's like that with all the humans.'

Selina:Selina: 'Doyle? You're kidding me. I'd rather get advice from a fucking Ouija board.'

Selina:Selina: 'She better have been in an accident.' (about Catherine being late)

Selina:Selina on her rewritten speech: 'Dan, this rewrite kicks balls and ass. It explains me, it really articulates me. It's beautifully put together... like me.'

Selina:Selina: 'I had a horse as a kid. Who didn't? I mean, have a pet is what I meant.'

Selina:Selina: 'Like I always say, nothing less funny than a comedian.'

Selina:Selina: 'If somebody takes a shit in your car, what are you gonna do? You gonna drop your trout and take a crap through the sunroof? I don't think so, buddy.'

Selina:Selina: 'I can say what I really think. You start picking this thing apart, and what am I left as? Some sort of optimistic warmonger with a soft spot for educated gays.'

Mike · Selina:Mike introduces Alicia to Selina and then immediately undercuts her: 'Like, who's this lady in the back row? I don't even know her.' — referring to a cancer survivor, then: 'Yeah, but not a bad one. An easy one, like finger or skin. Not one of the hard ones.'

Alicia · Mike · Selina:Selina asks 'Are they all as special as me?' — Mike and Selina both say 'No. No, no, no.' / Mike: 'This guy here is just an injured fireman. I don't see any scars.'

Selina:'Ooh, I just made an omelet, I'm a hero!' (mocking the 'Heroic Restaurateur')

Selina · Karen:Selina to Karen (a VIP): 'I loved you on Saturday Night Live. You were hysterical.' Karen: 'That wasn't me, though. But wasn't it funny? So funny!'

Selina · Alicia:Selina: 'I'm gonna see you soon, and that's 100%.' / Alicia: 'You can repeat 100% any time you like, ma'am.' / Selina: 'I will, ma'am... 100%!'

Selina:Selina, about to confront the SNL producer: 'I wanna know who's responsible for that sketch, you cock... tail napkin. Yeah, you heard me.'

Selina:Dan's solution to reading groups aloud: 'I'll just say them simultaneously. Like those Tibetan throat singers, Dan.'

Selina:Selina to Doyle: 'Don't get your panties all up in a wad. I'm just mentioning Alicia Bryce by name. I am not appointing her to my joint chiefs of staff.'

Selina:Selina: 'You want me to be some sort of a party puppet? You can stick your hand up my ass and work my mouth?'

Selina:Selina to her staff after Doyle leaves: 'What were you bobbleheads doing while I was just getting ear-fucked by Father Time?'

Selina · Dan:Selina: 'Did you give them this idea, Dan?' / Dan: 'I don't do offended, but I am... affronted that you'd even think that.'

Selina:Selina: 'I'll tell you what happens. They get bullied when they're little at school, and then they perpetuate the cycle by bullying me.'

Selina:Selina: 'What in the wide world of fuck do you think you're wearing?'

Selina · Catherine:Catherine: 'Why don't you change?' / Selina: 'Huh? Is that a joke?' / Catherine: 'Yes.' — followed by Selina's withering mock laugh.

Selina:Selina's internal monologue/rant: 'So I'm supposed to let a bunch of dead-eyed white guys... shit all over absolutely everything that I stand for.'

Selina:Selina, after clearly deciding to capitulate: 'I've decided that I'm... going to let them dictate to me. Because that is my decision. Do you understand that? I am letting them do that! Get it? Right! But they do not own me!'

Selina · Ben:Selina: 'I'm fucked, Ben. I'm fucked.' / Ben: 'Well, there's a remedy. It's an ancient technique that's been plied by loveable losers since way back. It's called begging.'

Ben · Selina:Ben offers Selina unknown pills from his desk: 'What is it?' / 'I don't know, I found them in my desk.'

Selina:Selina's response to Catherine's pep talk: 'Okay, sweetie, I am not a bitch, but thanks. And that jacket doesn't work, by the way. You look like a waiter.'

Selina:Selina on the speech: 'Just upload any draft, I'm going to wing it. "Blah blah blah, I am running."'

Selina:Selina: 'Get rid of this guy. He looks like Jeffrey Dahmer.'

Selina:Get rid of this guy. He looks like Jeffrey Dahmer.

Dan · Selina:Selina calls 'Lorne' at SNL and resolves the sketch problem — she'll just 'embrace it' and appear on the show. Dan: 'What about taking a dump in your car?' — callback to Selina's earlier metaphor.

Selina · Amy:Yeah, that's taken care of. / They're gonna drop it? / Yeah, after they do one more with me in it. I'm just gonna embrace it.

Selina:Selina uses Halo (Alicia's daughter) as a prop to manipulate Senator Doyle into supporting child care, speaking in a childish voice: 'Wouldn't that be good, Senator Doyle? You wanna tell the little lady it's a good idea?'

Selina:Selina asks to borrow Halo's coat for the speech photo opportunity, promising to tweet it.

Selina:Post-speech Selina: 'I know we got slightly derailed today with the universal child care, but now we are really back on a roll.' / Immediately offers Alicia's walk to Catherine to get rid of her.

Selina · Gary · Alicia:Alicia: 'When is the walk again?' / Gary: 'Three weeks from today.' / Selina to Gary: 'I really don't think I'm going to be able to make it. I'm so sorry.' / Gary: 'You guys were an inspiration.'

Selina · Speechwriter/Staff:Very inspirational speech, ma'am. / Come on, you wrote it, you can't review it.

Selina:This is what DC must have been like under Jefferson... except that would have been a horse, right?

Selina · Gary:Gary, what are you doing? You look like a newborn giraffe.

Selina:Wi-Fi. Do you have that in Silicon Valley?

Selina:Oh, you wanna do a 'selfie'? I call that an 'ussy.'

Selina:Know what your mommy and me are doing? We're having a very serious conversation about political issues, aren't we? And the issues are complex.

Selina · Amy (or Mike):We need to make that woman go away. And I don't mean kill her. / Kill her.

Cassie · Selina:Excuse me, can I please have my child back? Oh, my God, I've got the baby!

Mike · Selina:I'm calling this 'Pacific Trim.' You know what 'trim' is? It's twat.

Mike · Selina:What about this 'Alcatraz-matazz'? They look like two couches.

Selina:If we were gonna rate it on a scale of one to 'fucked', what would you say?

Selina:I lose women and what am I left with? I'm left with gay Latinos and Jews at college, I guess.

Selina:I've got to take this fucker out. I have to succeed where the Republican Guard failed.

Selina · Dan:It is called 'multitasking,' Dan. I do it every... Damn it. / You just typed the word 'multitasking,' didn't you? / No.

Selina:Mike, I am balls deep in this omelet.

Selina · Amy:He just came out of Gary's room. / No. / Yeah. / What is going on with that? / No, he... another room or something.

Selina:See, that's wrong. That's too young. No, you shouldn't make your first million until you're in your 30s. That's what Andrew and I did. It kept us completely grounded.

Selina:Poor kids, they don't realize they're all gonna be executed by the time they turn 30.

Selina · Melissa:You must be 12 years old, then. / I'm not, no.

Selina · Amy · Melissa:Well, I'm really looking forward to meeting Craig. / Absolutely, although it is pronounced 'Cray-eeg.' / 'Creg.' / 'Cray-eeg.' / C-R-A-I-G. / That's right. / 'Creg'? / Uh, 'Cray-eeg.' / 'Cray-eeg.' Very close. / 'Cray-eeg.' That's it. Well done, Amy. / Oh. You got it right, 'Ah-mee.'