Special Relationship

Dan:We are running some reverse 'My Fair Lady' shit here.

Dan:'Good Mourning, America'... mourning with a 'u.'

Dan:I need you to get Selina a meeting with Prince Charles... that 65-year-old fuckin' intern.

Sue:Dan, if you want to get into the palace at short notice, you're going to have to storm it yourself.

Unknown staffer:Tough call. Then again, you're a tough caller.

Unknown diplomat/aide:He had tickets for a West End musical. Something with a duck or a ghost. I don't remember.

Selina · Amy:Hey, is FLOTUS having an affair? Not that I would blame her. Have you seen her lately? She's lost a lot of weight. Her neck is like stretched cheese.

Peter Mitchell · Ben · Peter Mitchell:Heroin and Chinese food. / Noodles and needles. / It was actually the solar energy summit in Stockholm.

Ben:That's the one, that's the one. Same vibe.

Mike:100 years since the Great War is so my area, Amy. Death, glory, folly, tragedy. It's got the four main mood groups.

Amy:She can lie to the Brits and go straight to confession.

Amy · Ben · Amy:In related news, Ray's talking. Oh, God. To smart people? He's currently with a woman from the Bank of England. It's like watching a goat trying to use an ATM.

Ray · Bank of England woman:Ray's economics monologue: 'Money is just a concept... it's not like muscles in your arms.' / 'I think that's quite a superficial analysis.' / 'You know what intrinsic means?' / 'I try to learn a word a day. I love words very ardently.'

Peter Mitchell (Deputy PM):I hope that 'honestly' isn't one of those words that's lost its meaning whilst traveling the Atlantic.

Selina · Ben · Peter Mitchell · Selina:The U.S. doesn't spy on its allies. / We collect data. / Same thing. / Oh, no.

Peter Mitchell · Gary · Selina:Gary, what do you think? [Gary clearly panics] Gary likes to keep his cards close to his chest. [Gary] No, please, do share. I'm just 'collecting data.'

Gary · Selina:I think it's very nuanced. And I think there's a lot of different sides to a lot of different topics that are out there that I think we could spend some time... Gary, I need that lipstick.

Mike · Gary:Madam out there hobnobbing, us here in the servants' quarters. It's like 'Downton Abbey.' 'McClintock, Lady Selina wishes to eat a Cornish pasty in the paddock this evening. Post-haste, you bugger!' / I love that voice. It makes me feel inadequate and horny. The dream.

Ray · Peter Mitchell:Ray listing his book titles: '60-Day Shred,' 'Get A Bod Like God,' 'My Name Is Ray, You're Okay,' 'The Greater Glory In 20 Days'

Unknown (Ben or Amy):Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said, 'Dan's a fucking terrible campaign manager'?

Unknown:I would like to shoot him, but there are no guns in this country.

Jonah:Steven, this is Jonah Ryan reporting to Team Maddox. I'm in London Town, and it's going to be a 'right royal cockney barrel of turnips' when I dish the dirt on Selina Meyer. Yes, sir, I'll stop using the accent.

Peter Mitchell · Jonah:Hello, Jonah. / Hello, sir. / Just buying some tickets for Madame Tussauds. / You're an imbecile.

Selina:I can imagine Harry Potter getting loaded in here.

Selina · Barman:The extended Harry Potter argument: fictional child vs. actor, wizard not witch, the bartender carefully correcting Selina at each step while she gets progressively more wrong.

Amy:'Jonah Bond, double-o-fuck off.'

Selina · Barman:The West Ham / 'What kind of ham?' exchange. Selina repeatedly misunderstands 'West Ham United' and tries to reframe it as American football.

Barman:Barman suggests a pinot noir, then says 'I'm joking. He won't.' Then: 'I think you look like a bitter person, maybe.' [pause] 'Which is a type of beer. Don't worry. It's just a joke. Just playing. Bitter is a horrible beer.'

Dan · Gary · Mike:Well, she's gonna drink it and she's gonna smile, Gary. / I've got some peppermints. / I've got digestive enzymes.

Dan · Selina:The vice president is now going to 'pull a pint.' / Come on down. / I just said that. / Yep, yep.

Selina · Pub crowd:The pub crowd chanting 'Down in one' / Selina mishearing it as 'Daniwah' and chanting back enthusiastically.

Dan · Amy:They're eating this up. I think we just landed a catchphrase. / They're not saying 'Daniwah.' They're saying 'down in one.' / Moron.

Amy:They're laughing at her like a toddler they taught to swear.

Dan:'Daniwah' is trending. It's number 2 under Kate Middleton's bony ass.

Selina · Mike:Siri, how many horses died in the First World War? / Why are you asking that? / For the speech. / No. I'm not talking about horses. Cancel search, Siri.

Selina:Siri, how many horses died in the First World War?

Gary:You're gonna look so stunning at the war service, ma'am. Those guys are gonna wish they weren't dead.

Selina · Ray · Selina:Hat selection: 'Do you think the bigger one? Don't you think the other hat is a little too hatty?' / 'Britain is the kingdom of the hats.' / 'I have never heard that phrase.' / 'It's a well-known phrase.'

Selina · Ray · Gary:The 'or nothing at all' / hat scene implied sexual encounter between Selina and Ray — played entirely through innuendo and Selina closing the door on Gary.

Dan · Amy:Dan: 'I am Dan With A Plan Egan, so if I can't work, then you can't work...' / Amy cuts him off: 'Call him back. We've got to go in there and talk to Selina. / That's... I was doing a little role-playing.'

Amy:Like the Charles Manson defense?

Dan:Nicely done, 'Obi-Wah Kenobi.'

Dan:I can handle one paper, guys. And you know this about me. I can chop this thing in two like a disputed kitten.

Mike:Very proud of it, ma'am. I gave this one 100% effort. As I do everything I write for you.

Selina · Ray · Mike:Speech critique exchange: 'Too effy for me' / 'That sentence is impossible to comprehend' / 'I could normalfy this for you' / 'No. No, no, no.'

Mike · Amy:Why does he have access to the 'G' folder? I don't even have access to the 'G' folder. / Yes, you do, Mike. We all do. It's the general file on the iCloud. / Everything was much easier when it was just floppy discs.

Dan:To paraphrase 'My Fair Lady,' we need to get to the fuckin' church on time.

Mike:Everything was much easier when it was just floppy discs.

Ray · Selina:Ray's alternative speech: 'There's a whole lotta guys who never came home. Good guys. Here's to those guys.' / Holy fuckin' Christ. What is that, Ray?

Ray · Kent:Despite being told he is fired, Ray says 'I get you' and then 'I'm so pleased we had this talk. Let's see where we all are in a month or so.'

Ben:I'll hold off that long streak of deputy piss while she's in there.

Selina:Selina delivers Ray's version of the speech at the actual memorial: 'Let's remember the guys who never came home. Here's to the good guys. Boy, they were good guys, weren't they? They were.'

Jonah · Stranger:Jonah waiting in the car park, nervously clarifying to a stranger: 'No, I'm not waiting on a guy to have sex with. I am waiting on a guy to talk... he's a reporter.'

Jonah:No. I... I'm not waiting on a guy to have sex with. I am waiting on a guy to talk... he's a reporter.

Rob (Daily Mirror) · Jonah:Why do you want to meet in a fucking car park? / I don't know, I just thought 'Watergate, Deep Throat.'

Rob (Daily Mirror):Eight pounds for two coffees? Thank you, America.

Jonah · Rob:She sounds like Mary Poppins on all fours. / You do realize Mary Poppins would be over 100 by now? / Yeah, and I'd love to sweep her chimney, eh?

Reporter · Jonah:You do realize Mary Poppins would be over 100 by now? Yeah, and I'd love to sweep her chimney, eh? If you know what I mean?

Rob · Jonah:So you Googled it. / No, I didn't just Google it. I found this thing called the 'Internet Archive'... / So you Googled it. / I Googled 'Internet Archive,' yes.

Ben · Peter Mitchell:Oh, you overheard. You speak German? / Yes... ja, as they say in Germany.

Peter Mitchell · Ben:German language exchange: Ben and the Deputy PM confess their German is rusty. The DPM says 'Ich muss wieder zur schule gehen.' Ben nods and says 'absolutely.' Then: 'Good times.' / 'At school?' / 'What? I said I should go back to school.'

Peter Mitchell · Ben:Is the vice president in the Lady Chapel with the German chancellor? / No, I told you before, she's on the phone. / Is that not quite clearly her hat? / That's not her hat. / It's definitely her hat. I'll tell you how I know — I remember thinking 'What a hideous hat.' It is like she stuck her head in a swan and it's exploded.

Deputy PM:It's like riding ein bike.

Peter Mitchell · Ben:Well, du lugst. / Hilarious. / It means 'you're lying.' / I know.

Peter Mitchell · Ben:Okay, so we're all perfectly comfortable standing here pretending that we can't quite clearly see the vice president in the Lady Chapel with the German chancellor finalizing a deal about the TSO? / I wouldn't say 'comfortable.'

Rob (Daily Mirror):Okay, so unelected loony has the ear and minge of the vice president. He says that fat people — fat kids — fat kiddies have 'sinned' in a past life.

Jonah:You know how upsetting that's gonna be to fat people? All of America is fat people. That's all we have. All of our children weigh 300 fucking pounds.

Rob (Daily Mirror):We've got fat kids too. I've got a fat kid. Well, I can see her... I mean, that's, uh... right.

Rob (Daily Mirror):We'll ambush the vice president. We'll get photos of her being surrounded by fat kids dressed as Satan.

Journalist · Selina:Press conference ambush: 'Or would you like to comment?' / 'Well, I don't know what story it is you're referring to...' / 'He wrote an essay saying obese children are possessed by the devil as a punishment for past sins.'

Selina · Dan:Way to go, Dan. / Way to go, Ray. / Yeah, just throw the blame around. Not at me, though. It's not my fault.

Jonah · Reporter:I was wondering if you were available this evening... I've found a very charming gastropub. Uh, that sounds lovely. Brilliant. Text the details to my cell... mobile.

Ray · Selina:It's called 'cosmic balance.' Not anything the Buddha didn't talk about. / Yeah, well, Buddha's got a big fat ass, Ray.

Ray · Mike:'I write a lot of treatii.' / 'Treatises, Ray. The normal plural.'

Selina:'I have always been a friend of the fa... full-figured folks.'

Selina · Jonah:Okay, my pretend friends. I gotta go back to DC. Something very big has happened and I've gotta be there. / What is it? / Daniwah!

Dan · Amy · Mike:Daniwah! Easy, buddy! Get your hands off me, all right? I don't want to catch your fucking idiocy. Oh, he's having a heart attack. Are you having a heart attack? No, I think he's just having a breakdown.

Dan:Dan possibly having a heart attack: 'No, no, no. I don't panic. I'm the fucking iceman. That's why I'm the campaign manager.'

Gary · Amy:What's the code you put before the number? / 0-0-1, U.S. / I just have her name, so I need to memorize the number before I put the codes in.

Kent · Ray:People think, 'He's a fitness guy, how can he know about politics?' I get you, Kent. / Again, I don't think you do. [Ray continues demonstrating he doesn't get it]

Ray:And I will go on to say that even I, as a young teenager, had a bit of a struggle with my weight... [extended pause as Ray looks around the room] ...as I'm sure almost everyone here in this room has had at one moment or another in their life.

Ray:Ray's public confession of his teenage weight struggle — building to the revelation that his 'very biggest' was 151-152 pounds.

Mike · Amy:This is like the Queen's china. They're never gonna let us back into England again. [Someone breaks china] / Shh! It doesn't matter. / It does matter! This is the fuckin' Queen's china! / Shh!

Kent · Ray:You really don't get it, so I'm going to keep this very simple. You're fired. / I get you. Very simple. / Great. I'm so pleased we had this talk. Let's see where we all are in a month or so.

Selina:What a fuckin' misery marathon that was.

Mike · Selina:Dan had a nervous collapse. Amy's taking him to the hospital. Ben went back to DC. Kent's firing Ray. And I'm in charge. / Fuck! / I know, right?

Gary:Ma'am, the House of Commons voted to censure U.S. data monitoring activities. Huh? And there's five fat kids outside dressed as Satan.

Selina:Fat people don't even vote. They can't even be bothered to get out of the house, you know? There's no food in the voting booth.

Selina:God, I hate this stupid country so much. Nothing makes sense here. You ask what temperature it is, you get some tiny little number. Even the plugs here are bigger than the things that they power.

Selina:I just got 'Brit-fucked' by that balloon animal.

Amy · Selina:Dan only hired him as a sex slave. / What? / Dan, he hired Ray as a... as a sex slave, did you not know?

Selina · Amy:He... he pimped me out? [long pause] Yeah, yeah.

Selina · Gary:Who knows about this? / Uh, me, Amy and Mike. / Okay. / And Ben, Kent and Sue. Everybody. / Everybody pretty much knows, ma'am.

Dan:I gotta say, Amy. You're like an actual friend. I mean, throughout all this... you know, me being made campaign manager over you... I mean, you could have been a real bitch, and you've been great.

Dan · Amy:You know, me being made campaign manager over you... I mean, you could have been a real bitch, and you've been great.

Dan:Am I hallucinating? Can I please get some better drugs?

Dan · Jonah:What, are you molesting coma patients? Is that a thing? I might, now. Maybe I'll just put them in some funny hats.

Jonah · Amy:Those flowers aren't for Dan? Oh, fuck, no. No, those are for my 'filthy Mary Poppins' and I'm gonna give her a 'spoonful of sugar.'

Amy:Selina just fired you as campaign manager, so take as long as you need. Take longer.

Sue · Dan/Selina:Do you realize how difficult and demeaning it was for me to set up that meeting? / And it was a triumph, Sue. / You have put me in a hideous situation. Remotely, I might add. So from now on, remotely is how we will interact.

Jonah:My flight doesn't leave until tomorrow night, so I figured it makes sense for me to be on Air Force Two.

Jonah · Selina:My flight doesn't leave until tomorrow night, so I figured it makes sense for me to be on Air Force Two. / Uh, in what world would that make sense? You need to get on your running machine, and run away. / Running machines don't go anywhere.

Gary · Selina:The First Lady has attempted to take her own life. / Oh... what?! / How? / Overdose of sleeping pills and vodka. / That's why POTUS sent for Ben.

Selina · Gary:Really makes you put your own problems into perspective. Doesn't it? Seriously? / It does. / Although your problems are still pretty bad. / Yeah, they are.

Ray · Selina:I couldn't help but overhear, but I always thought that lady was a little damaged. / Jesus fucking Christ. You're fired.

Selina:Let's get the merrie olde fuck out of merrie olde England. I need to be driven to the airport at 'Diana speed,' okay? Just more carefully, though, please.

Amy:Amy reading Dan's fake medical chart: 'Dan Egan, 67, female. Unemployed campaign manager. 30 different types of semen pumped from stomach, inverted nipples, abnormally high douche readings... Cancer of the soul, traces of dog excrement found around the corners of the mouth, chronic cretinism, leprosy, anal bleeding... tiny child balls.'