Amy Brookheimer

Like a big, beautiful eagle.

I love Italian, Jonah, but still, unfortunately, really dislike you.

'Cause you need to put it up on that star chart on your refrigerator.

This has been pencil-fucked completely? Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance.

That's your 'Sergeant Pepper's.'

How did you get this job? You really want to base your press strategy based on trying to figure out when Tom Hanks is gonna...

Every minute that we delay, 'Retard' goes up a font size.

Feed the dog. Walk the dog. Shoot the dog. Bury the dog.

How sure are you on a scale of one to 10? Like one is the... Yeah, yeah, I can work out how the fucking scale will go, Gary.

I am putting out two fires in there, and I turn around to find out that you have set fire to the fucking fire truck.

Fucktard.

Oh, my gosh, is this gonna become like 'Moonlighting' where we fall in love and start fucking?

You got a brand-new desk in the corner. Follow me, I've got a beautiful spot for your adoring photo of girlfriend Carol Hallowes. Actually, she's not my girlfriend anymore. I just broke up with her about 15 minutes ago via text. Well, cold and rather nerdy. Actually, it was an app.

Sorry to interrupt, but fuck-a-deedoo-dah, fuck-a-Dee-ay!

That's why I get paid the medium bucks.

Yeah, I saw that. I liked it.

You're making it sound like a coup.

Kids are unpredictable. They wet their pants.

Fuck point you.

Doyle is essential. He's like the Russian doll of the Senate. Comes with little senators inside of him.

Oh, my God. Can I blow you? Uh, yes, you can. I will meet you out in the hallway in a few seconds. Sure, I'll get a stepladder.

Oh, swirl. Racial harmony and crossing the aisle.

I'm confused. Are we still talking about yoghurt here?

You're gonna kill him and you're gonna do life for murder and I never have to see your face again.

It's like Charlie Brown and the football.

That screaming, falling sound is my fucking patience going out the window.

Bite and smile.

i was gonna say eva peron. yeah, i prefer that comparison. less of a mustache.

this is not the hoover dam. yeah, it is the hoover dam... filled with shit.

uh, does it get used in a clumsy and unpleasant analogy by you?

i'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this. and there it is.

people won't equate you with a natural disaster, ma'am. really, amy? 'cause i've met some people, okay? real people, and i've got to tell you, a lot of them are fucking idiots.

i'm saying chuck furnham. fucking hell!

as good as announced is not announced. you are as good as dead, but you're not actually dead... not yet.

I'm gonna steal that, because he who speaks in maxims... can sound wise.

This is good. This is like cornbread.

No, he's already got carpal tunnel in that area.

Who uses withdraw as a fuckin' verb besides catholics and butlers?

What an e-hole.

Plus, he doesn't wanna look like he made a massive error picking you... Well, that was lovely.

If anything, Chung was too late.

He was born back in China before his dad got his citizenship, so he can't be president or vice president.

You don't wanna give a loaded gun to that walking silo.

Do you have something that can fit the McClintock shape that's not a Santa suit?

Jennifer, quite frankly, I had more windows in my first apartment than the V.P. currently has in her schedule.

Is McCaulay the one with the nose hair problem like he's got two raccoons in his nostrils?

What? He's Captain fuckin' America?

What did Scott use as a research tool, the fuckin' drudge report? That and bathroom walls.

Sometimes you've gotta go down to go up.

Hat? Oh, wedding? - No.

Dan is a great choice. He is already a huge advocate of the devil's.

I don't know. They're so Parisian.

You have put this entire office into a salad spinner of fuck.

How do you think that plays?

Photos with the nutritionists, hang with the players, over to the school, then we pregnancy test you to fuck.

Thanks. You know, if it's a boy, maybe I'll name him after you. Call him fuck weasel.

Are you networking with an eight-year-old?

You think that as a woman I might sense some disturbance in the fuckin' 'lady matrix'?

You think that as a woman I might sense some disturbance in the fuckin' 'lady matrix'?

Gary, why are you talking in cliffhangers?

Well, this is good for us. Nicely done, Dandroid

The skyscraper of shit has arrived

The nod of my head is like I'm buffering

They're calling it an e-nami

A cake in the shape of a dick. A smart new hat in the shape of a dick

Remind me, who did you blackmail to get this job?

Did you just sidle?

Not with testicles

Do you mean un-redacting? Taking the black off

we say some of us mishandled things because you were pregnant? I mean... no, no. No, stupid idea.

Could say the pregnancy test was for me

Is he the father? Oh, no, no. Father, no. He can't

66%. What? Approve. Oh! Sorry, disapprove.

66% disapprove. That's everyone in America who's awake right now.

we are currently polling lower than a side of beef with eyes drawn on it

She is magnificent.

Yeah, you are. Like rubber Jesus.

Well, he told my mom he felt worse that time he ate gay Jap raw fish shit.

Always with the last word. That's why you're single. Guys hate that. You have three kids by two different guys. Maybe your last word should have been no.

Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie. - That's a good one, Mike.

If you kill his mother and then dress in her skin, that's technically illegal. Technically.

Oh, dang, Amy. You put out quick. Right. It turns out I can't mate with anyone outside of my species.

That's gonna electrify DC. - Oh, it's gonna AC DC.

There goes the R-bomb.

Sue only has one name like Pocahontas or Hitler.

His word is 'get-the-vice-president- over-here-right-now-we're-having-a-fucking-meeting.' It's all one word hyphenated.

Did she just make an innuendo? - Yep. Yep.

This is the worst small talk I've ever heard. And I'm including mine in that and mine is horrible.

That's great. For us, I mean. 'Cause we're done.

What's time o'clock? - Time o'clock.

Yeah! Semper fucking fee. - Fi. - Fi. Fi, right.

The leg is just the price of admission to the place you wanted to be.

Sure, we'll roll out the ramps.

You've already bugged the shit out of everyone else in the building? I'm sorry, what? Say that again. Jonah, out. Or else I'll see if my pepper spray works.

13,000. No, 14,500. Is this the amount of times you've admired yourself in the mirror today? No, I'm guessing that's the difference in salary between this job and the one that you just interviewed for.

I think he'll be pulling Bon Jovi out of a burning tank in case we all forgot what a fucking war hero he is.

It looks like I'm tweeting when a guy loses his leg. Yeah, it does, ma'am.

If the first one bombs, people are gonna be sitting out there thinking, 'Shit the bed, we got 49 more of these to go.'

Now, am I getting older or are you getting younger? We're both getting older. That's the third option, of course. That's great stuff.

Amy, you should stop eating so much. What the fuck are you talking about? You're stress eating.

I mean, I hope I don't have a cat because, believe me, that poor fucker's dead.

That isn't impressive at all. - He's just spitting, right?

You killed better than Chung killed and he's actually killed.

I think it's pronounced Georges Denis. I'm not a hick. Screw you, Depardieu.

Ignore Dan. He's hormonal.

They will sell nude pics of their grandmothers for a glass of hot beer.

If Mike were here, we would have spent the entire flight watching him do scratcher lotto tickets going, 'Oh, so close,' every time he lost.

Because with your face, when you attempt to be charming, it really does come off as evil.

I might be the first woman ever to have parallel periods.

Shall I put her in an iron mask?

I apologized less after I banged my brother's fiancée.

Because of the axis of dick.

I mean, would it be so hard for people not to be assholes? I wouldn't know.

57 Twitter followers. That's shit for a journalist.

It's like waiting for a biopsy result.

She did own Brian Earl in negotiations by pretending to faint.

She's calling him Andy instead of Andrew. It's starting.

I heard whining and I assumed I needed to apologize.

Jonah, you're not even a man. You're like an early draft of a man where they just sketched out a giant mangled skeleton, but they didn't have time to add details like pigment or self-respect. You're Frankenstein's monster if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks.

He's like Spock. He doesn't show his emotions. Ever? Ever? No, not even then.

Dan only laughed when security guy fell off Segway, followed by 'Is laughter an emotion?'

Both: Roger Furlong. Thought that, too. So obvious, Furlong.

uppity princess in her perfumed palace

Awkward silence and door closing after Gary's question

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, we've been having lunch and then we've been having sex. And not really cards so much. Just, you know, just, like, sex.

You dump him overboard like the toxic waste he is. / Come on, Amy. It is just so good. / Okay, then you see... see where it goes. / No, I have to end it. / Yeah. But I can't.

So Sue's the new Gary and you are still the Amy. / Yeah. / Yeah.

Jesus, you might as well cut out eyeholes and peer through a fucking newspaper. What the fuck are you doing? It's 'Apocalypse Now.'

We don't have a front door in our attic like in some sort of Dr. Seuss book or something.

Okay, this is a category five shit storm. She's over. She's done. I'm gone.

With all due respect, this is not news. This is the fucking Food Channel you got here. Okay, well, with all due respect, fuck you.

Ovaries in the Oval Office!

It's like you think in hashtags.

It's not a terrorist.

Well, my sister would never be at an orgy. Too uptight. She would want health records from everyone and just kill the momentum...

Don't they both die?

She's out of her fucking mind.

Everyone's gonna find out she walked through a glass door, Dan, because she looks like she walked through a fucking glass door.

So are mushrooms, dipshit.

Look, she is fuckin' high right now.

Turning her into Julie Andrews.

Jesus, look at his stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it.

No berets, no Stetsons, no beanies...

Yeah, in 700 days of working with us, you've been right once.

Those are contradictory orders.

Still, this might mean that we could spend more time together. Let's take it one day at a time.

They call me the Washington Flash. I doubt that.

They're celebrating because you weren't in there.

They're celebrating because you weren't in there.

Why don't you change America to Shmamerica?

You're at a science fair. One of these kids could build you a charger.

Jesus, the inside of his head must be like an Escher drawing.

I mean, it was just, you know, RIP-OTUS. Just complete sinking shit.

And so it begins. Yeah, with a kick to the tits.

Would you like me to mold the cake into a pair of testicles for you, Gary?

Yeah, dream the fuck on, Dan. I'm only being nice to you because I know that Selina's gonna make me the campaign manager.

You have more nervous tics than a shoe-bomber.

It's like losing a limb. I can feel a phantom phone ringing right now.

Jonah, what's the point? You don't show up in photographs.

Shit on my tits. Maddox just resigned.

I hate how he learned English from pornography.

You said he was really good on the book tour. No, I was trying to keep you from worrying about me.

You just gonna sit there, 'SpongeBob'?

No, it's just a shame they couldn't arrest someone a little more photogenic.

Fuck the swords. POTUS just announced that he's now pro-life.

Here's something else to sew into your giant fucking crazy quilt.

'22 and a half weeks' sounds like an erotic thriller

'Me-Too Meyer,' 'Shit for Brains...' No, I'm sorry, they won't say that. I'm just really tired.

A big, fat, morbidly obese nothing.

Hello. Do you like Power Rangers?

Don't worry, he's like that with all the humans.

The St. Joseph's Children's Choir has come down with a vomiting bug. All 30 of them.

Amy was born to be with kids. / Well, peeing is fun!

Oh, my God, Mike. What are you going to do for an encore? You gonna punch the kid?

We need to make that woman go away. - And I don't mean kill her. - Kill her.

Remember, while you're there, do not use 'Google' as a verb. They 'Yahoo' things there.

You know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever 'they' are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.

Absolutely, although it is pronounced 'Cray-eeg.' - 'Creg.' - 'Cray-eeg.' - 'Cray-eeg.' Very close. - 'Cray-eeg.' - That's it. Well done, Amy.

Technically, becoming vice president could count as making it.

If that plan works, you've changed humanity.

Jonah with money. God Almighty. It's like if Hitler could fly.

It's like if Hitler could fly.

I'm flattered, but the sheer positivity of this place would break me.

Go fuck yourself. Sorry, that's the opposite of what I meant to say.

You know that saying, 'Anyone can run for president'? Joe Thornhill is the only reason that that's utter bullshit.

I can't do the 'be nice to people' because that's what Dan's doing. Also, 'cause I can't do it.

Dan, watching you try to be nice is like watching a baby smoke a cigarette... it's kind of cool, but also very disturbing.

I should be the 'three-mile candidate.' 'Three Mile' has negative connotations. There was a nuclear disaster there. Yeah. Well, there might be one here too.

I also do that with my men.

I've eaten hummus with a pen cap. Don't tell me how I can eat.

Please do. Yay me. Yay me.

Oh, please do not tell me you are one of those fucking weirdos that celebrates three month-a-versaries.

Oh, please do not tell me you are one of those fucking weirdos that celebrates three month-a-versaries. It's actually a year.

You know what? Next time I'll get a clown and cheer you up. Oh, good, a two-clown entourage.

I look tense, because... yes, well, one, I have broad shoulders, and, two, because that's the job. The job is what makes me look tense. But underneath all the work tension, I'm really very relaxed.

- We're fucking. - Uh-huh...

You're a sex trafficker now. How low can you go? Well, however it is, Amy, I'm still higher than you.

Yeah, well, Buddha's got a big fat ass, Ray.

So you threw away Dan and you kept the voodoo doll, huh?

You should only talk if someone pulls your string, okay? And even then, you just say, 'Tickle me.'

It's like-- it's like flirting, but sexless.

Milk and two heaping spoonfuls of whatever the fuck you're on.

we can make it an affair to remember. Bam!

Call me naive, but isn't that unethical? You're naive. Welcome to politics.

What, are you laughing at us, 'Pee-wee Sperman'?

Call every whore and mistress in America until you find the right one.

We need to find the 'smoking hon'.' As in 'honey.' That doesn't work.

We need Joe's ho.

This feels better than actually having sex yourself.

Do we have any snipers? Can we take her out? You got a gun? I'll do it.

Don't look at the twitch. Focus on the 'dead dad lady.'

I mean, he cornholed us in Iowa.

Remember when we only had five days left? Those were good times. Great times.

That's a good point. Nothing says 'regular American' like standing on a street corner shouting at strangers.

Seriously, you do me better than I do me. You do yourself a lot.

Delete it. It knows too much.

Take your lithium, jag-offs.

Amy: I'm not sure that Beyoncé fully understands that. / Selina: (gasps) She's calling me a 'Single Lady.'

Amy: Clue... it's me.

Amy: Thank you for interrupting your studies, your start-ups, your retirements, your federal sentences.

Chicken and egg scenario. Yeah, but where the chicken is just refusing to ovulate.

Was Vladimir Draw-Attention-To-Myself already taken?

Good, 'cause that last minute was a very long minute.

Why would you do that the fuck for?

Does he realize that or is he gonna find out on ESPN?

He could have your job. You know, I'm saying all this out loud and I probably shouldn't be.

You make me any more late, and I lock you in this car and have it compacted.

Eliminate weaknesses. That's a little Nazi doctor.

Well, I just wanted to say a friendly hello in an unfriendly way.

He's eager and hardworking and never complains and every night I dream of drowning him.

Sting might as well be singing 'I'll access your medical data' in a fake Jamaican accent.

He's the vice president, not the new Lexus.

And you know what amazing men get? - What? - Two-day weekend. - This weekend? - Yeah. - I'm going to the cottage with Wendy!

That finishing sentences thing is... - Irritating? Very. But sometimes necessary when people are being slow or dull.

Sounds like he's learning a sex alphabet.

I've seen a salmon in a grizzly's mouth look less panicky than that.

Yet again, the left hand has no idea what the right hand is doing and the freakish middle hand is punching me repeatedly in the tits.

either get Leon's mom to the air base or buy yourself a very convincing wig.

The man whose dream vacation is hunting the street kids of Rio on a human safari.

That is Cirque du Soleil suicide bombing.

I feel like I'm on a life-support machine and they keep pulling the plug to charge their phones.

All sciences are precise. That's what science means.

It's like Christmas except happy.

Isn't that spooky? Not even remotely.

I think you must have given the go-ahead for Pearl Harbor.

I have bitten my tongue so long, it looks like a dog's cushion.

You have two settings... No decision and bad decision.

I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the fire department standing by

You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets and maybe slavery.

The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked.

The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked.

Amy's text: 'You looked sweaty on TV yesterday. Are you going through the change?'

'I suggested that a week ago and I was shot down like a hang glider over the Pentagon.'

'I hope your vagina falls off.'

it chews you up and it shits you out and then you are left with nothing but the night sweats and flashbacks.

'This is just a Swiss suicide clinic with a hint of jojoba.'

If I keep going at this rate, I'm gonna have gout of the mouth.

Are we at war with clay?

Oh, I know this. It's candy.

Ah, to be 20 years younger, right? I would be in diapers.

Surprisingly well. Like vodka and cereal.

Well, if the intruder kills you, Mike, then who's gonna announce your death?

I don't even paint my own nails, Gary. A Vietnamese lady does that.

I am very good at my job, and even I can't get people to vote for that heap of mystery meat.

She has gone full Colonel Kurtz.

I'm kind of having fun. I like having a cover story. Makes me feel like a Charlie's Angel.

You shit-eating cocksuckers.

You shouldn't even be here, Jonah, unless you're giving your brain to science.

Do you remember her? She's the woman that would have fired you if you hadn't gone fucking Fukushima.

I am surprised the two of you even found your way out of your own mothers' vaginas. Oh, my God, dude, I got out of there like I had a fucking map.

You can't come in. That comes from the president. Well, she's a bitch.

be that individual an actual person or a corporation.

I think it's interesting that you chose me to aim that question at, insinuating that I am a money-grabbing, careerist, low-moraled... I don't know why I'm helping you here.

The bigness. Mm-hmm.

Some of our viewers were complaining that you're shrill anyway, so... Oh, shrill? No, no, I'm never shrill.

Screw this whole sloppy, backseat blowjob of a night anyway. I don't give a shit.

They're ghosts. You can't... you can't concede.

It's hardly noticeable, ma'am, like our Hispanic voter turnout.

I don't know what's getting their dicks harder, an electoral college tie or talking to a girl.

How many abortions does a pro-lifer have to pressure his mistress into before the people turn on him? Three.

He says, 'The market crash caused a blotch on the face of America.' Is that about my pimple?

No, he's... God, he's deviating from the book of the things that he should do. You mean off the rails. Oh. Fine, he's off the rails.

Look, regardless of the recount, this could mean big things for zucchini.

If she does that to her own goddamn name, how the hell is she going to handle a potential recount?

If she does that to her own goddamn name, how the hell is she going to handle a potential recount?

Hi, it's Candi with an I. Amy with a Y. Which is correct.

Right now you're about as toxic as a urinal cake in Chernobyl and I am offering you a job.

She's changed her mind more times than a frickin' child molester at Disneyland.

find a rattlesnake and shove that up your dick hole 'cause it's a lot more fun than what I'll do to you.

She's from El New Hampshire.

What is wrong with you, you Paddington Bear-looking fuck?

You are a seven-foot-seven goony-looking Lithuanian who's gonna drop dead of Marfan syndrome.

It says 'Fuck Selina Meyer.' If anything, that one should count for us.

Afternoon, sir. We're here because your ballot was disqualified because your signature didn't match... okay, well, fooled me with that one.

We got... votes.

- Amy, set it up. - The injunction or the dick slapping?

I don't know why. My only jobs seem to be asking Bob and finding out what Bob thinks.

You might actually want to go to Rite Aid. Get some Valtrex.

You might actually want to go to Rite Aid. Get some Valtrex.

this meeting cannot make it past the School Book Depository. I'm loading my gun and heading to the sixth floor.

Did Eleanor Roosevelt eat pussy? / Oh, Jesus. / Did she eat pussy or did she just fingerbang her way down Pennsylvania Avenue?

Did she eat pussy or did she just fingerbang her way down Pennsylvania Avenue? Fuck my mouth. I'm doing it again.

Jesus, you look like a southern housewife who just burned her husband's dinner.

No one should see you while your face is... marinating.

Well, I have a bachelor's degree in hotel management from Cornell University. No, you don't.

Jesus, Mike. I'm gonna put a baby in you if you don't get your head in the game.

You know what it could be? What? That you are fucking crazy.

Jesus, for the final time, it was not Vegas!

We need a Jonah whisperer, except somebody who's gonna, like, yell in his face and call him stupid.

I shouted it into my phone on the Acela Quiet Car.

Make an appointment to freeze eggs.

Gary, C is for cunt.

Pretty much, yeah.

So who called me a cunt? Was it everybody? Pretty much, yeah.

God, I feel like somebody's playing a trick on him. They're about to dump a bucket of pig's blood on his head.

Look at him, he's smiling like his shit's all pine-fresh smelling.

You're not hot. Gary Welsh at State is. You're a typo.

Yeah, surround you with some trees. Make you look human-sized.

Yeah, back to the natural habitat your nitwit mother found you in, you fucking shaved Sasquatch.

It's the NRA. It's a Christmas miracle.

Yeah, right after the inauguration, we'll show Mr. McShittock the door.

Unless afterward she went into a bathroom stall and used the old two-fingered wood chipper.

Campaign starts right now, because we are going to make Buddy Calhoun the next governor of this dried coyote turd of a state.

saddle up those emphysema tanks, you inbred cousin-fuckers, 'cause we are going to drag this state into the 20th century. That's right, I said 20th.

My guess is if you gave her a rail to snort off your dick, she would let you fuck the hole in her septum.

Just do 'cock whore.'

They said the Sherman Tanz pardon was unsavory and not in line with the values of Yale. Then they asked for a donation to their annual fund.

Oh, what did you envision, Woody, that you and Buzz Lightyear would win this election and Andy would play with you again?

1.5 if we can get his dyslexic daughter into Smith. Well, maybe get her to write the check. Get 5.1 out of him.

Apparently, Andrew kept referring to his penis as the 'First Chubby.'

I can't believe I spent the night in jail. It's a piddly DUI. In Nevada, that's practically a resume builder. There's a guy driving drunk on the state flag right next to the guy beating his wife.

I'm happiest when Buddy and I are on the couch eating popcorn and watching 'Downton Abbey.' / Can we play that again?

Ames, who's your favorite character on 'Downton'? I don't know. Abby, I guess. Yep.

I don't know. Abby, I guess.

Listen, jizz clot, I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're gonna have a meeting with Sherman Tanz

They haven't agreed to putting your name on anything, ma'am.

They're fucking her in the ass?

You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby.

for a president who is currently more famous for being a jizz sock for Times Square tourists

It's like six degrees of Al-Qaeda in here.

Congressman Furlong. - Brookheimer! Got your dong of a résumé.

That's a real snatch-22

Mike, do you have any awareness of what's been happening with newspapers in the last 10 years? / Not at all. I mean, truth is I don't even get 'em anymore. I just read the news on my phone. It's so much better and it's free.

That's not a word

It's not

Do you know that if 30,000 more people in Alabama had gone to the polls instead of smoking off-brand cigarettes through their neck holes at riverboat casino slot machines...

Wait, this is Leon West's diary. / What? / Oh, my God, it is. / So, where's yours? / And the little boy with the broken roller skates? He grew up to be Egyptian President Anwar Sadat.

From the moment I entered the the White House.

It's kind of like the wave in 'The Perfect Storm,' except in this case, the wave is made out of shit and our boat is also made out of shit.

In sleeping with my trainer, I think you could say I did not exercise good judgment.

It is a toxic infant blowout out both diaper legs and up the back of the onesie.

Oh, the 'Lhasa Express' gives it five namastes.

God, I really thought we were gonna win Guam.

Ready for a 'chunge.' - First 'chunge,' we're gonna fix that slogan. - Really? - I'm kidding. It's great.

Is everything always ice cream with you?

I leaked it to Leon. - Why? Why would you Kurt Cobain your own library?

Because, girlie, only former presidents have libraries.

Yeah, well, I'm pregnant and it's yours. - Fuck!

I like her more than I like the deaf girl. - Whatever happened to her? - The police have no leads.

This isn't a Terrence Malick movie. Sit.

Blue is the Most Annoying Color.

So I can nuke America. - That's actually not bad.

You love standing next to ugly women.

I don't want people to think that I was going for Mee-gan Ee-gan because that sounds like someone who gets ass-fucked on the Major Deegan in a limerick.

Wow. It always has to be about her. / Never fails. / Every time.

I actually consider her to be a bit of a protégée. / Does she know that? / Thought I was your protégée. / No, you're Ben's protégée. / Not a very good one.

I'm pregnant. / Can you imagine? I'm pregnant. / That's not funny. / Now I'm gonna be sick.

Dan fucked you? / Mm-hmm. / What, were you wearing a full-length mirror?

Not even really showing. You look beautiful.

Well, I did think about this. I considered it, and I cried, and yeah, suck my cock, I even prayed a little, and here I am.

So you can back the fuck off, you hypocritical cunts, before I show up to the piss puddle that is your house and protest your husband whacking it to your daughter's seventh grade yearbook.

You got any of those darts they use on rampaging circus animals?

Feels like... someone shoved a red-hot pair of barbecue tongs up my joy trail.

What about Department of the Exterior?

I mean, did you at least watch Martin? 'Damn, Gina!' We should go.

Don't say his name.

Your particular brand of crazy is polling very high here in Florida, especially with melanoma-loving swamp fuckers, storm-ravaged climate deniers, and deadbeat dads... and deadbeat moms.

Nope, beat you to it.

I think it's pronounced half-white.

Streptococksucker.

You infected all those nutballs who don't believe in vaccinations! Well, serves 'em right.

Were you too busy bed-wetting and cutting fuck-holes in watermelons? Amy, that only works with fleshy melons. And sometimes pumpkins.

Were you too busy bed-wetting and cutting fuck-holes in watermelons?

You barely worked at the White House. Ho ho ho ho!

Stealing South Carolina is the bedrock of our political system, Senator.

Your offer is as appealing as a Sriracha enema.

Jonah was right. He was spectacularly right! And you know what that makes me, sister? - Spitty?

She is offering you vice president, you monument to vaginal dryness.

You pile of failure shaped like a rapist! - I am not shaped like a rapist!