Amy Brookheimer

Amy:Yeah, is that a poppy seed there in your teeth?

Amy:Could we maybe table tableware for now, Gary, and focus on filibuster reform?

Amy:Not yet. He's mostly intravenous. He has so many tubes in him, he looks like a set of bagpipes.

Selina · Gary · Amy:Glasses on for the intellectual look? / A woman with vision. / No, glasses make me look weak. / Yeah, I agree. / It's like a wheelchair for the eye.

Amy · Selina · Mike Dudley:Senator Mike Dudley. He's interested in maps. / Mike, you found us. / Is that a map joke? / Yes, it is.

Amy:This whole building is bankrolled by plastics. This is why nobody showed up.

Gary · Selina · Amy:Guess what? I've managed to get a fresh batch of those European sweeteners you like so much. / Oh, thanks, Gary. Yeah, they're great sweeteners. / They are awful. / Actually, they're just sweeteners I got at a NATO meeting last year.

Amy · Selina:Sorry about the Senate meeting. / Yeah, it was like a funeral for a homeless guy.

Amy:I love Italian, Jonah, but still, unfortunately, really dislike you.

Amy:Yeah, 'cause you need to put it up on that star chart on your refrigerator.

Jonah · Amy:And I'd like you to watch your tone with me. / I will watch my tone.

Amy:She's got a small mustache. It's a little disturbing. Don't stare at it, okay?

Amy:Stay away from both. The utensils are politicized. You could use celery as a kind of shovel.

Amy · Dan:I cannot believe you are dating your boss's daughter. / She's fun, she's sexy. She can advance my career. I really like her. / That's the one. / She's great. / That's the one.

Selina · Amy:This has been pencil-fucked completely? / Uh, yes, front and back. Very little romance.

Gary · Selina · Amy:We can also use my kitten heels gag. / Is that funny? / No. / It's funny enough for these people.

Amy · Dan:Did someone order a dick-o-gram here? / Yes, seemingly.

Amy:How did you get this job? You really want to base your press strategy on trying to figure out when Tom Hanks is gonna...

Selina · Amy · Mike:What we're gonna do is we're gonna walk slowly to the car, okay? But you guys surround me, very purposeful. Like a human motorcade. / Exactly. / We're discussing important things. Like the pope.

Amy:Every minute that we delay, 'Retard' goes up a font size.

Amy:You talk as if you're passing the civil rights act.

Amy:Dickwad pie?

Jonah · Amy:Uh, guys, a man is dead. / When a sexual harasser dies, we sign his wife's card. Okay? That's how Washington works.

Amy:It's gonna look like the VEEP couldn't be bothered to sign a condolence card for one of the most respected perverts in the Senate.

Gary · Amy · Selina:Gary's dramatic return to confess the signed card — the extended silence after 'So sorry. I just need to tell you something.' [21:25 to 21:40]

Amy:What the fuck, Amy? / I am putting out two fires in there, and I turn around to find out that you have set fire to the fucking fire truck.

Amy:Yeah, and of course your happiness is top of my agenda, right above climate control and child trafficking.

Amy · Gary:First of all, you should put the hood down. / I wasn't going to put the hood up. / Well, good luck, Gary. / I am convinced that you can probably do this.

Amy · Selina:Well, that's a capital offense. / Yeah, you could be legally electrocuted for doing that, just so you know. / I'm not here. I have plausible deniability.

Selina · Amy · Gary:The key is you do it upside down. / That is extraordinary. / Is there anything you can't do? / Foreplay, direct sunlight.

Selina · Amy:In six months, when all this bullshit dies down, we're gonna put an oil guy on the clean jobs commission. / You're pouring oil on clean jobs? / Oh, please, please, Amy, grow up. / This is how they solved the Cuban missile crisis. / This is my Cuba.

Amy · Dan:Touch me and you lose a finger. / And a ball.

Selina · Amy:That is so great for me. / And the country. / Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I meant.

Amy:That's why I get paid the medium bucks.

Amy · Selina:There's a book fair... / Oh, my God. / ...in Adams Morgan. / Too dull, no. / You're not gonna get a good photo holding a book.

Dan · Amy:It's like kids read or something. / Kids are unpredictable. They wet their pants.

Amy:Fuck point you.

Selina · Amy:Well, I've got to warm him up, 'cause we need his support on 'junk the jams' or whatever they're calling it now. / 'Unclog the backlog.' / 'Unclog the backlog'?

Selina · Amy:We just saw him this morning. Yeah, you spoke about soup.

Jonah · Mike · Gary · Amy:I work at the White House, so I can just walk in and say, 'I'm from the White House. What the fuck are you doing?' / What? You work at the White House? / Oh, my God. Can I blow you? / Uh, yes, you can. I will meet you out in the hallway in a few seconds. / Sure, I'll get a stepladder.

Jonah · Amy:Mint. It implies freshness, trust, traditional values. / Fascinating. / This is one of my areas. / Yeah, food choices. Seriously, put it up.

Jonah · Amy:Oh, swirl. Racial harmony and crossing the aisle. / So is cookies and cream.

Selina · Amy:I said something to someone. / What exactly did you say, ma'am, and to who? / To whom.

Selina · Amy:I didn't say 'yes'. / You didn't say yes? / No. I didn't say 'yes'. I said 'yeah'.

Selina · Amy:And where were you, Amy, by the way? / No, you said you had it covered. / No, I didn't have it covered. And it's your job to know that if I say I have it covered, I don't have it covered and you cover me.

Dan · Amy · Selina:What if we put an ex-oil guy on the task force? Someone who's cozy with oil, but not active oil. / Former oil. / That's lying. / Creative semantics. / Well, that's a creatively semantic way of saying we're lying. / Still creative.

Selina · Amy:Jamaican rum, mon. / Maybe we don't need the accent.

Selina · Amy:You didn't just roll your eyes, did you? / No, ma'am. / 'Cause it sure looked like it to me. / I can't stand that passive-aggressive stuff.

Amy:Should we run?

Amy · Selina:Have you noticed how he's... / Yeah, he thinks I'm about to be his boss. / Yeah, he's gonna be the first to go, by the way. / Hmm, okay. / Dead man walking.

Selina · Amy:Yeah, but aren't dairy products bad for your stomach? / You've got to eat the yoghurt now. / I mean, there will be cameras on you. / This is life dairy defcon 1.

Amy:Yeah, well, it would have been better about two hours ago.

Amy · Selina:Bite and smile. / [Selina eats the vanilla yoghurt and visibly struggles to maintain composure]

Amy · Selina · Anthony:You know, let's get one re. / Really quick. / I think you... probably just one... / Are you okay? / Can I get you something? / I think we got it, guys. Take a step back. / I have to use the bathroom right away. / Can we use your bathroom? / No, I'm sorry, my mother is in there. She's 84. She takes a while.

Selina · Amy:Oh! Ooh-ooh! Oooh-ooh! / I can't... / Do you need to squeeze my hand or something? / I can't uncross my legs.

Amy:Guys, we need a wall around the Vice President. No photos. No clean photos.

Amy · Gary:Dump her in there. / Be careful. Careful. / No one's judging. / Don't come in. Don't come in here.

Gary · Amy:I-I got to go with you ma'am, I'm sorry. / Just dive into it.

Amy:to drink or applied directly to the coat?

Amy · Selina:i was gonna say eva peron. yeah, i prefer that comparison. less of a mustache.

Amy:does it get used in a clumsy and unpleasant analogy by you?

Amy:you are like a... earlobe — you're just there, just wobbling.

Staff · Gary · Amy:is there even a name for that? / how about catch-44? / gary.

Sidney · Amy:if you say chuck furnham, i will go into anaphylactic fucking shock. / i'm saying chuck furnham. / fucking hell!

Amy · Mike · Selina:okay, where'd he go? / he must be in the bathroom. / that prostate of his. / get in there, mike. go. / this in no way will be demeaning.

Selina · Amy:i'm very excited about it. good-bye. / what are you excited about, chuck? are you the new face of louis vuitton?

Selina · Amy:we announce the dog. it's soft wash, breakfast news, but we tease it out. we say we're looking for a name. an ocean of ideas comes pouring in. meantime, we're buying time to figure all the other shit out. / that's kind of a great idea.

Amy · Chung:Dan only climbs up ladders. / Yes, but sometimes you have to go down to go up.

Dan · Amy:Dan stealing the maxim: 'because he who speaks in maxims...' / [beat] 'Can sound wise.'

Senator Doyle · Amy · Dan:Hello, children. / Hello, senator. / You looking for some fresh backs to stab?

Amy:No, he's already got carpal tunnel in that area.

Amy · Selina:Plus, he doesn't wanna look like he made a massive error picking you. / Well, that was lovely.

Amy:I meant good stuck, like if your marriage lasts or whatever.

Selina · Amy:Well, why didn't you say that, then? / Oh, because you have the social skills of someone who was raised by wolves.

Selina · Amy · Gary:You know what I did? I went to bed at 7:00 P.M. on a Saturday night. / Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that. / Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.

Amy:He was born back in China before his dad got his citizenship, so he can't be president or vice president.

Gary · Amy:She got the filibuster in! [staff celebration]

Mike · Amy:That's lip sweat. / That's shimmer.

Selina · Gary · Amy:Gary, just give it a light touch. No import to it. / What does that mean? / Just talk to him like working guy to working guy. / Got it. Mano a mano. / Oh, Jesus Christ.

Amy:Even in Spanish, you know, it doesn't sound like it's gonna work.

Amy · Dan:Just confirmed... Two fatalities, 24 injured so far. / I didn't mean it like that.

Amy:I had more windows in my first apartment than the V.P. currently has in her schedule.

Amy · Dan:Something Amy said at Chung's book launch. / He was still upset about clean jobs, which is on you, Dan, because you put Sidney Purcell on the task force. / Oh, sure! You know what? I blame George Washington. If he hadn't started this whole form of government, then we wouldn't...

Mike · Amy · Dan:Once you go down that dark country road, the lights go out and the scarecrows come to life. / Yeah, anyone hear the banjo music? / Look, Mike, that's what you always hear because mentally you're in a fuckin' hammock on a back porch.

Chung (on TV) · Selina · Amy:I've got a purple heart on my chest, but the one that beats inside of me is red, white, and blue. / No, he didn't. He didn't say that. / He is seizing his moment.

Senator O'Brien · Amy:Shouldn't that be chiefess? / Relax, missy. I'm just yanking your chain.

Amy · Dan:I feel so horrible. You know, it's like I've ordered a hit on somebody. I'm just waiting for the call to say that it's done. / [phone rings] It's done.

Dan · O'Brien · Amy:You're talking about a 3,000-mile-long fence. / Great for the construction industry. / Yeah, but ironically, the only affordable option would be immigrant labor.

Amy · O'Brien:Fellas, we shouldn't have a problem working to preserve a certain kind of American identity. / Now you keep talking like that, sweetheart, and we'll be having cigars at the end of this dinner. / Just not Cuban ones.

Amy · Dan:[Amy and Dan sit in exhausted silence after the dinner]

Dan · Amy:You've gone up 10 levels in my estimation, by the way. / Which means I've gone down 100 in my own.

Amy:Sometimes you have to go down to go up.

Amy · Mike · Dan:Yes. Who else are you into, Mike, apart from the Eagles? / Uh, grateful dead. / Oh, that's the name of your favorite whorehouse, too, right?

Jonah · Selina · Amy:I'm fructose intolerant. / Fructose? / Fruit sugars. / It's very rare. / Oh. / Well, good luck with all that.

Amy · Selina:Just when you thought he couldn't get any weirder, He did.

Amy · Dan:Hmm, bummer. Looks like your girlfriend didn't get the chief of staff job with the speaker. Guess I don't have to buy a hat now. / Hat? Oh, wedding? / No.

Dan · Amy:I was deliberately late for work because I wanted her to believe that she was more important to me than my job. She fall for that? / I doubt it. But it's the thought that counts. She appreciates the gesture of me trying to trick her into believing that. / That is so romantic.

Amy:Which strategically useful young woman will get to witness your two-hour morning skin care regime?

Selina · Amy · Dan:That was totally inappropriate. / Inappropriate. / Inappropriate.

Amy:Dan is a great choice. He is already a huge advocate of the devil's.

Amy:Potus needs some successes right now. He doesn't fix the economy soon, NASA's gonna have to build him an escape pod.

Amy · Selina:Don't say, 'if I were President.' / It's the VP bear trap.

Amy · Selina:Yeah, bats and Alzheimer's. / Yeah, well remembered. Sidney Purcell.

Selina · Amy · others:Wow. / Oh, my God, Dan. / No more Selinas? / Okay. / Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you.

Sue/Amy · Amy:It's on. / No! / Yeah.

Gary · Amy:Oh, Amy, I have a quick q for you to a. / Quickly, then. / In diary hierarchy, does the national resource committee meeting trump the care for children's association? / Yes. / Okay, I will kill the children.

Gary · Amy:You know what would be perfect in Paris is that pink jacket you have. / Ma'am! Ma'am! It's a fucking disaster.

Selina · Amy · Gary · Sue:We can't go to Paris. / Shit. / No, whoa, whoa. We got all those tours lined up. / They're anticipating another tied vote in the Senate. / You need to head back to preside again. / It's gavel time. / What bill is it? / That was a play on 'it's hammer time.' / I know. What bill is it?

Selina · Amy:No. No. It's the Macauley amendment? / Yeah. It's the meat of clean jobs. / Which way are you gonna vote? / The way that my principles and conscience tell me to go. / Okay. / Which way do you think that should be?

Selina · Amy · Dan:So you are actually saying that you want me to destroy the policy that you and I have been working on for months, actually years if you think about it, Amy? / Yes. / Wow. / All right, let me get this straight. So you, Dan, who are absolutely against this policy, don't say otherwise, you want me to vote for it. And you, Amy, who love this policy, you want me to vote against it. Yeah? / This is some weird ass 'through the looking glass' shit right now.

Amy · Dan:Vote against. / Vote for.

Amy · Dan:You got Macauley to add this amendment, didn't you? I know you did. / Macauley is his own man.

Amy:If you did this, you went against Selina's explicit orders and you have put this entire office into a salad spinner of fuck.

Amy:What, are you checking your fantasy fucking football scores?

Selina · Amy:Is this what I came into politics to do, Amy? / It's a rhetorical question. / Obviously I didn't come into politics to do this.

Amy · Selina:On a happy note, we reassigned the smiling secret service guy. / Mmm. / It's one less grinning idiot with a gun you have to worry about.

Selina · Amy:Oh, for fuck's sake. / Have you ever had a weight problem? / Yeah, I have.

Gary · Amy:Gary's dad would 'rather me work here' — 'In catering?' / 'No, a baseball stadium.'

Amy · Gary:'I meant for him.' — Amy's response after Gary says it must be tough that his dad doesn't respect him

Selina · Amy:Selina complaining about Ken the photographer's small, touchy hands and comparing him to Penthouse

Amy:'You stole a car?' — Amy's guess at what Selina's big confession is

Amy:Amy: 'an unwed mother one aneurism away from the presidency? How do you think that plays?'

Gary · Amy:Gary's bag has 'one big storage area and then 60 separate pockets' — the pocket quiz

Amy · Selina:'Father know? / What, are you kidding me? What am I, 15?'

Amy:'It's gonna knock the socks off of some seven-year-olds.' — Amy's sign-off after the pregnancy conversation

Amy:'Thanks. You know, if it's a boy, maybe I'll name him after you. Call him fuck weasel.'

Dan · Child · Amy:Dan networking with an eight-year-old: 'My dad works in the state department. / Really? What position? / Trade policy executive. / So he knows Roger Aldrige? / Are you networking with an eight-year-old? / Yeah.'

Mike · Amy:Mike's pen cap — 'Can I get the pen cap, too? This came with a pen cap. / The pen cap. Where was the pen... in your mouth? Did you put it in your mouth?'

Amy:'We're gonna have more tests than you have pee.'

Selina · Amy:'Oh, we're gonna have Gary do the tests. / How will that work? / No, not with his pee, Amy.'

Mike · Amy · Selina:The 'repugnant vs. pregnant' misunderstanding — 'I said she's repugnant. I said Selina's repugnant. / What? Why am I repugnant?'

Mike · Selina · Amy:Ma'am, if we just table this... I think we should just knock off the kid thing. / Lower that. / We need to get this over with.

Radio Hosts · Amy:Radio hosts discussing the VP fired a secret service man for smiling; correction that he was 'reassigned' as if that changes anything

Amy:Amy's flat 'All right, sir, no.' in response to Mike Kwan Do

Amy:'Gary, why are you talking in cliffhangers?'

Amy · Dan:'How is she?' / 'Free from a major fucking political headache, I'd say.'

Amy:'Wow, Gary. That was quick. Look at that.'

Amy:'The skyscraper of shit has arrived.'

Selina · Amy · Jonah:'All right, pack up your limbs and get the fuck out, Jonah.' / 'Is punching allowed?' / 'Oh, you wouldn't stand a chance. I have a much longer reach.'

Amy:'I'm sorry to hear that you lost... that you're no longer pregnant.'

Amy · Selina:Amy's 'buffering' nod — 'The nod of my head is like I'm buffering.'

Amy · Jonah:The 'Washington Post' disclosure: emails suggesting a birthday gift of 'a cake in the shape of a dick' and 'a smart new hat in the shape of a dick'

Amy:'There are 3,000 people on the White House payroll, Jonah.'

Amy · Jonah:'West Wing, Jonah.' / 'No, who is DC?' / '...Uh, Dick Cake.'

Amy:'Every time Ted stayed overnight at the residence has been fully disclosed.' — the accidental outing of Selina's relationship

Amy:'Ace play, Shakespeare. Really. When in doubt, call a vet an ape.'

Dan · Amy · Gary:Gary using a farm animal fable to tell Dan and Amy who's getting fired: horse, sheep, pig — 'Who does she get rid of?'

Dan · Amy:The suicide pact proposal: Dan proposes they all threaten to resign together so Selina can't fire any of them

Amy:'One condition... I watch you die first and I get to stab you repeatedly to make sure.'

Dan · Mike · Amy:'Why would we let you in on our suicide pact?' / 'Because three is better than two.' / 'Not with testicles.'

Amy · Selina:66%. What? Approve. Oh! Sorry, disapprove. Oh. Dis— / You know what? You go ride with the security detail. There's no room for you in this car.

Dan · Mike · Amy:Her crying was very authentic and humanizing. / Okay. / I like your thinking. / I actually found it slightly erotic, too. / I take it back.

Dan · Mike · Amy:It's Catherine, right? The absent mother blubber. / Genius. / Chinese daughter torture. It's a good one.

Amy · Mike:I can't believe we're doing this. / On the other hand, we are currently polling lower than a side of beef with eyes drawn on it, so...

Gary · Dan · Amy · Selina:Look who's playing golf with the president. / Danny Chung. / Chung. / Shut up.

Selina · Amy:Hey, that photographer who reads lips, he's not here, is he? / Mm-mmm. / No. That's a blessing.

Amy · Dan:You know, my mom said that Selina looked human and vulnerable. / Great. / Not a compliment. / She sees human vulnerability as a weakness. / I like your mom. / Don't talk about my mother, Dan.

Dan · Amy:Pinocchio wasn't the puppet master, Mike. He was the puppet. / Uh, yeah, he was. / Five-year-olds get that.

Mike · Amy:Is he... is Dan my boss now? / Can I just say that this is really exciting to watch?

Gary · Selina · Amy:Twitter eruption. Veep's trending. / Amy, what's going on? / Um, you're trending, ma'am. / I'm on Twitter, but it wants me to create a new account. I don't know how to do that.

Amy:'Got played by team veep. They wanted me to make her cry.' Hashtag FakeVeepWeep.

Amy · Dan:Mike engineered your crying, ma'am. He said that he was your puppet master. / Actually, he said he was your Pinocchio, but I think he meant Geppetto, who was actually the puppet master.

Selina · Amy:Amy, I'm so sorry. Is he speaking? Well, he told my mom he felt worse that time he ate gay Jap raw fish shit. Oh, Amy, that's a great sign, because that's a very complex sentence.

Amy · Selina:So you got what I said before? Yes, Cartier dildo.

Amy:I was thinking about my dad, but I am not now.

Amy · Amy's Sister (Sophie) · Amy's Mother:Got here as soon as I could. Just really glad you could fit your father into your busy schedule. She means hi, honey.

Amy · Sophie:You said Dad was dying. Well, I'm so sorry to disappoint you, Amy.

Sophie · Amy:Hope your boss at CVS is okay with you taking time off. Always with the last word. That's why you're single. Guys hate that. You have three kids by two different guys. Maybe your last word should have been no.

Dana · Amy:Feel like my lips have touched the veep's. It's quite a thrill. That's a little disrespectful.

Amy:Amy describes Furlong: 'Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie.'

Selina · Mike · Amy:Selina responds to Amy's Brando/Annie line: 'That's a good one, Mike.' Mike: 'Thanks, ma'am.' — Selina accidentally credits Mike for Amy's joke.

Amy · Gary:Amy: 'This needs to be the Gettysburg Address of tightrope-walking, say-nothing bullshit.' Gary: 'My time has come.'

Dan · Amy:Dan and Amy's 'dying dad' scam — Dan reveals: 'That's my dad. Jesus, he doesn't look like he's dying.' Amy: 'My family was guilt-tripping the shit out of me and so I exaggerated to come visit. Besides, a dying dad can be a get-out-of-jail-free card. Like with Furlong.'

Dan · Amy:Dan to Amy after she says her dad is at George Washington hospital: 'Oh, that's a good one. They got a big Starbucks there. It's nice. You know, people go in there that aren't...' Amy: 'You don't have to speak.' Dan: 'Thank you.'

Amy:Amy to Dan: 'I'm not really great with illness or death or basic empathy, but I just want to say I'm sorry about your dad and I think you're being really brave.'

Dan · Amy:Dan on Amy: 'Amy and I just weren't compatible.' Amy: 'Right. It turns out I can't mate with anyone outside of my species.'

Amy · Furlong's aide/others:Amy: 'I do not want children, okay? Why can nobody accept this?' Multiple people: 'Sweetie, you do not have to decide right now.' Then Furlong's aide: 'I remained fertile till I was 56.'

Amy:Amy reports: 'Sue apparently bitch-slapped Furlong. He usually has to pay for that.'

Amy · Dan:That's gonna electrify DC. — Oh, it's gonna AC DC.

Amy · Selina:Ma'am, this could really chap Maddox's ass, too. — Oh, yeah, it would, wouldn't it?

Selina · Amy:I pulled that straight out of my ass. — You were born for that moment. — I know. He's Iwo Jima. I'm planting a flag right on his head.

Selina · Amy · Mike:Word cloud scene: 'robust' dominates, 'Sue' visible, Selina's name is tiny — 'It's bigger than collapse.'

Amy · Selina:I mean, Sue only has one name like Pocahontas or Hitler. — Or Moby or Bigfoot.

Selina · Amy:She has a return appearance? What does she need an encore for? — Yeah, it's an encore. Start popping your popcorn.

Amy:His word is 'get-the-vice-president-over-here-right-now-we're-having-a-fucking-meeting.' It's all one word hyphenated.

Selina · Amy · Dan:Oh, well, that's all we want. We all want the big one, don't we? — Did she just make an innuendo? — Yep. Yep.

Selina · Dan · Amy:Oh, I wish that was my cousin's name. — This is the worst small talk I've ever heard. And I'm including mine in that and mine is horrible. She's done worse. I can't think of when, but she has.

Selina · Amy:Amy, it's time o'clock. — What's time o'clock? — Time o'clock.

Amy:So Sue's return to the hearing's wiped off the news map. That's the last thing on anyone's mind today.

Amy:The leg is just the price of admission to the place you wanted to be.

Selina · Amy:Well, maybe we could invite him to the White House. — Oh. — You know, once he's back up on his... — Sure, we'll roll out the ramps.

Selina · Amy:Selina: 'I'm stabbing him. I'm going to go stab him.' / Amy reacts deadpan.

Speaker Marwood · Amy:Now, am I getting older or are you getting younger? / We're both getting older. / That's the third option, of course. That's great stuff.

Dan · Amy:Amy, you should stop eating so much. / What the fuck are you talking about? / You're stress eating. / I'm not. I'm having dessert.

Amy · Selina:You killed it. / You killed better than Chung killed, and he's actually killed.

Selina · Amy · Jonah:Who the hell does he think he is? / 'George Dennis' of 'Le Monde' called the vice president a typical American hick. / I think it's pronounced Georges Denis. / I'm not a hick. Screw you, Depardieu.

Selina · Amy · Dan:Post-Jonah departure — 'Better?' / 'It's all good.' / 'Totally fine.' / 'Great.' — followed by a long silence beat.

Amy:Amy: 'How long is this flight?'

Amy:Yeah, she's going to apologize to Europe 'cause it's right up there with the bubonic plague and the carpet bombing at Dresden.

Amy:Ignore Dan. He's hormonal.

Amy · Dan:You need to do it like Mike. Yeah, I don't want to be like Mike, okay? Even Mike doesn't want to be like Mike.

Amy:We need to keep the veep away from regular people and their awkward questions. So while she's in Helsinki, just keep her out of Helsinki.

Dan · Amy · Selina:So you guys all think of a card. I'm thinking nine of hearts. I'm thinking joker.

Amy:You do not want one of those on your back. They will sell nude pics of their grandmothers for a glass of hot beer.

Amy:If Mike were here, we would have spent the entire flight watching him do scratcher lotto tickets going, 'Oh, so close,' every time he lost.

Amy:I feel like I'm on two time zones at the same time. I might be the first woman ever to have parallel periods.

Amy:Lives were at risk. You know lives? Like what you had before they made you king of the undead.

Amy:Your idea of crisis management is screaming, 'We're fucked! Bury me!'

Amy:Oh, here he comes. Virgin Atlantic.

Amy · Dan · Selina:It's not like we can go public about the grope. It would define you. / Your tit being fondled by a Finn would be all you're remembered for. / You can't build a statue on that.

Amy:Because of the axis of dick.

Selina · Amy:I stand with the president. / I stand with the president? / Why did I say that?

Amy · Selina:Can we pretend you didn't say it? / What will people think I mean? / That you stand with the president. / I mean, there's not a ton of ambiguity with that one.

Selina · Amy · Gary:Yeah, you did, didn't you. / It's okay. / Did you hear that? / He's not. / Ma'am, are you okay? / I don't know. I guess so. Sure. / No.

Selina · Amy:I mean, would it be so hard for people not to be assholes? / I wouldn't know.

Amy · Dan · Selina:I just found out who that British reporter is. / 57 Twitter followers. / That's shit for a journalist.

Amy · Dan:Mary King pretended to faint to win negotiations against Brian Earl

Dan · Amy:Dan's reaction to learning Amy's date is Ed Webster: 'You swore you were only gonna date outside DC.' / Amy: 'He's not in DC. He works in Boston.' / Dan: 'Well, my mom doesn't live in Rome, but she's still a fucking Catholic.'

Dan · Amy · Gary:Dan: 'Are you getting worked up, Danny?' / Dan: 'Shut the fuck up, Gary.' / Amy: 'I'm so happy you're happy for me, Dan.' / Dan: 'Oh, what do you want, a fucking cake?'

Selina · Amy:Press release version two: 'Mary King steals peace pipe, breaks it in half, shits all over it.'

Amy · Selina · Gary:Amy trying to limit Selina's Andrew time: 'The ex? Three minutes.' / Selina: 'What, are you negotiating already? I'll give you four.' / Amy: 'I'll cut her off at three, okay?'

Mike · Amy:Mike singing: 'Amy and Ed work for the VP, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.' / Amy: 'Fuck off, Mike.' / Mike: 'Sure.'

Amy:Amy on the Meyer the Liar story: 'Monsters. It's like first Princess Diana, now this.'

Amy · Dan:Amy to Dan: 'I heard whining and I assumed I needed to apologize. How long have you not been listening to me?'

Amy · Andrew:Amy and Andrew have a two-sentence exchange about love-hate: 'I understand that you guys have a love-hate relationship, but most people alternate emotions. They don't experience them at the same time.' / 'We've always had a volatile relationship.' / 'By that you mean bat shit crazy.'

Amy · Andrew:Amy to Andrew when he tries to stop the Amy/Selina conversation about the bad news: 'I'm sorry. Can I interrupt a second?' / 'Uh, no.'

Selina · Amy:Amy tells Selina that POTUS is going to stall on the deal. Selina says: 'Oh, to congratulate me 'cause I made the deal last night.' / 'America thanks you.' / 'You're welcome.'

Sue · Selina · Gary · Amy:Sue is furloughed; she immediately bursts into dignified crying while the staff awkwardly console her

Selina · Amy · Gary:Dan takes his furlough like 'Spock — he doesn't show his emotions.' 'Ever?' 'Ever?' 'No, not even then.' 'You're kidding me.'

Gary · Amy · Selina:Dan laughed once — when the security guard fell off his Segway. 'Is laughter an emotion?'

Amy · Sue:Sue's impression: 'Okay, look, if the VP did have a window, it'd be a high one and she'd push you out of it.'

Amy:Amy accidentally implies someone on the phone is pregnant: 'You're pregnant? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I did not mean that.'

Selina · Amy · Gary:Selina panics that a private garbage contractor could 'go through all of my trash and put it up on the Internet'

Amy · Selina:Amy tells Selina she's been seeing Andrew. Selina: 'Seeing him? Like you would see someone for lunch or a game of cards?' Amy confirms they have lunch, then sex, and 'not really cards so much.'

Amy · Selina:Amy's advice to Selina about Andrew oscillates wildly: 'You dump him overboard'... 'Okay, then you see where it goes'... 'No, I have to end it'... 'Yeah'... 'But I can't.'... 'I'm glad we talked. On the same page.'

Mike · Amy · Selina:The team discusses a man killed by a bear near a ranger station closed by the shutdown; Mike speculates 'he must have goaded him... forcing the bear to dance'

Amy:'Or he tried to fuck the bear. Like Grizzly Adams.'

Mike · Selina · Amy:Mike announces three tasks. Selina says 'And that's two things.' Amy says 'Yeah, as well as getting in touch with the press guys?' Selina confirms, 'Two things.' Mike: 'Call the Guinness Book of World Records.' 'Oh, no, no — that would be three things.'

Amy:'Oh, was that Mrs. Doolittle?' — Amy's casual nickname for the bear widow

Selina · Amy:Selina: 'We're gonna have to unenfurlough Sue.' Amy: 'Unenfur—' Selina: 'We'll have to get Sue back.'

Amy:Amy: 'I didn't realize how good I was at this job until someone else did it so badly.' Other voice: 'Different isn't bad.' Amy: 'No, bad is bad.'

Selina · Amy:NASA visit was rescheduled. Selina: 'Aw, crap. I wanted to meet the NASA guys.' Amy: 'Gary, they don't even walk on the moon anymore. They're basically a bunch of nerds who work in a hangar.'

Selina · Gary · Amy:Gary is furloughed mid-scene. 'Hey, Gary.' 'Yeah?' 'You're furloughed.' 'No!' / 'I got Sue.' (sigh)

Amy · Dan:Amy tells Dan about Selina's situation: 'Land deal shit, fake relationship shit, shutdown shit. You left out that she just did a deal with Roger Furlong and is becoming semidependent on antidepressants.' Dan: 'Oh, well, what could possibly go wrong?'

Amy · Selina:Amy: 'Did you just furlough Gary and Mike when I was in the bathroom?' Selina: 'I did. So Sue's the new Gary and you are still the Amy.'

Dan · Selina · Amy:Bluff puff... rough puff. Nobody does rough puff like you. Rrr. Give me that rough puff. / All right, Puff Daddy.

Dan · Amy:Dan and Amy spot each other through a window while plotting, described as 'Apocalypse Now'

Dan · Amy:The team's dilemma: They can't tell Selina about Andrew's e-mail because Janet is right there — 'You don't think she's gonna notice we're whispering in her ear? Then she gets on and she tells this dildo to look it up.'

Amy · Dan:Amy: 'Andrew's fucking us again.' / Dan: 'He's screwed us in all known dimensions.'

Dan · Amy · Andrew:'He's political poison. He's political--' / cut to: 'Hi, Andrew.'

Dan · Amy:Oh, Andrew's been veep-fucking? You knew about this? / Okay, this is a category five shit storm. She's over. She's done. I'm gone.

Dan · Amy:Dan: 'Oh, my God, she didn't know. That reminded me why I got into this business. I am so attracted to you right now.'

Dan · Amy:Dan to Amy after the Catherine outburst: 'You know when you're 12 and you just get rid of it?' / Amy: 'No. Speak for yourself.'

Amy · Catherine · Dan:It's gonna look really bad for your mom if she doesn't know that you're a vegetarian on TV. / I'm not gonna sacrifice my morals for her career anymore. / I've done that. It's not that bad.

Amy:Amy's complete meltdown on Dan: 'If you'd just let someone get close enough to fuck some sunshine into you, you'd shut your mouth!'

Dan · Amy:Dan: 'Amy, let's go find your dignity over here, okay?' / Amy: 'At least I am giving a shit. You are flatlining all day.'

Amy:Amy produces a hand-drawn graph of Selina's performance: 'Look at this nice little graphic. Here's time, here's her fucking career.' — a flat line with a possible tiny uptick 'because she didn't barf her food all over the table'

Jonah · Dan · Amy:Jonah: 'I'm just gonna head back if anybody needs me-- West Wing.' / Dan and Amy: 'No one does, Jonah.' / 'No one needs you, Jonah.'

Amy:Amy's response: 'Well, my sister would never be at an orgy. Too uptight. She would want health records from everyone and just kill the momentum and...'

Dan · Amy:Dan: 'So we both jump together. You know, Butch and Sundance.' Amy: 'Don't they both die?' Dan: 'No, not when they jump. They die at the end.'

Gary · Amy · Dan:Gary: 'it can react badly with the body if she's already on immunosuppressants, beta-blockers, or antidepressants.' / Amy and Dan simultaneously: 'Oh, okay, fine. She's not on any of those.' / Beat / 'Well, she is on antidepressants.'

Selina · Amy:'Can you imagine fucking that guy?' — Amy's appalled reaction

Amy · Gary:Amy: 'She's out of her fucking mind.' Gary: 'She's coming to my parents' 40th wedding anniversary.' Amy: 'Yeah, exactly, Gary. She's out of her fucking mind.'

Amy · Selina:Amy: 'Look, she is fuckin' high right now.' (beat) / [sound of Selina urinating] / [Selina laughing]

Amy:'You didn't happen to notice that the Veep is tripping balls?'

Amy:'Gary gave her something that is reacting with her antidepressants and turning her into Julie Andrews.'

Gary · Amy:Amy on the phone to Gary about clothes: 'Just get back here.' Gary: 'Amy, Amy, Amy. Give me a number between one and four, please.' Amy: 'Four.' Gary: 'I think I prefer three.' Amy: 'Fucking three, then.' Gary: 'Actually, four's good.'

Jonah · Amy:Jonah: 'Do I need to draw you a line graph, Jonah? More time equals less cuckoo.' / 'We need to take a cold dump on the speculation.' / 'the ring is a hat-free zone. No berets, no Stetsons, no beanies...' Amy: 'Why are you just listing hats?'

Jonah · Amy:Jonah: 'We need to take a cold dump on the speculation.' / 'We need to send the message that the ring is a hat-free zone. No berets, no Stetsons, no beanies...' / Amy: 'Why are you just listing hats?'

Amy · Jonah:Amy: 'Yeah, in 700 days of working with us, you've been right once.' Jonah: 'Sit like a gentleman, please?'

Amy · Dan · Jonah:Jonah: 'She can't do the Fun Run.' Amy: 'She can barely do a convincing walk at the moment.' Dan: 'Can and will.' Amy: 'Can't and won't.' Dan: 'Now go up and screw a pillow. The room's paid for.'

Dan · Amy:Dan and Amy watching Selina on stage: 'She is definitely wearing too much makeup.' 'She looks like Marcel Marceau.' 'He couldn't tell the difference between real glass and air either.'

Dan · Amy:Dan and Amy betting on whether Jonah will listen to Dan or Amy: Amy: 'So which one of us do you think Andre the Giant Jagoff is gonna obey?' Dan: 'I'm surprised he gets to work without being hit by a car or punched in the mouth.'

Amy · Dan:He's not getting a call. He's making a call, right? / Hi. Yes. Can you please tell Governor Chung that Dan Egan is ready for the Chung chat?

Amy · Dan · Amy:No, it means I have absolutely nothing to do. / I meant for her. / Still, this might mean that we could spend more time together. / Let's take it one day at a time. Sweet Jesus.

Ed · Jonah · Amy:I feel as though I may have missed something. If you need to fill me in on that-- / Hey, what happened in there? / They're celebrating because you weren't in there.

Selina · Amy:No, it's all about crazy money, Ame. He's got the crazy money and I'm crazy enough to go get it. / As long as it's strictly business.

Amy:I am right behind/beside you. You, Chief of Staff to the president, me, chief of sexiness and spooning.

Chung on YouTube · Amy · Dan:It's not about what America means to me. It's what I mean to America. Because America would be nothing without Americans. / Jesus, you wrote this shit? / Yeah, it's like a noun-verb gumbo.

Amy:Oh, that's a brilliant plan. Why don't you change America to Shmamerica? Yeah, I'm calling Mike.

Selina · Amy:What? I didn't say anything to that crusty ass clown. / I might have mixed up a couple words, but...

Amy:Jesus, the inside of his head must be like an Escher drawing.

Amy · Selina · Gary · Selina:Quit freaking out. You need to get your head together. / What do you mean? The president's gonna be here any second. / Lookie, lookie, lookie, lookie. / This is for you. / What? / It's like a Pecorino peace offering.

Amy:Take a flare gun, put it in your mouth, and blow your head off.

Selina · Dan · Selina · Dan · Amy · Selina:What? What? What? What? / Yep. / You're kidding. / No. / And so it begins. / Yeah, with a kick to the tits.

Ed · Amy:I didn't arrive soon enough to be able to cut out the cancer. / Oh, no, I think you arrived with a man bag filled with tumors.

Amy:Yeah, dream the fuck on, Dan.

Amy:Dan, Dan, Dan! Inside voices. Mike's marrying a reporter. They're everywhere.

Amy:Wow, look at you, Dan. You have more nervous tics than a shoe-bomber.

Amy:like a fly in a shithouse

Amy:It's like losing a limb. I can feel a phantom phone ringing right now.

Dan · Amy:A good campaign manager always has to think one phone ahead. / You're not a campaign manager yet.

Amy:All right, all you single ladies... I don't wanna do it.

Dan · Amy:What the hell are you doing here? You weren't invited. / Unless you're the worst man.

Amy:Shit on my tits. / Maddox just resigned.

Dan · Amy:Texting behind your back? Jesus. / You Hendrix texting? / Just staying ahead. That's what a good campaign manager does. / No.

Selina · Amy:The world only just heard POTUS isn't running again so obviously we're not here and this doesn't exist. / Your campaign office. / What are these? These are the stables?

Amy · Selina:I don't know why Richard is here. / You said he was really good on the book tour. / No, I was trying to keep you from worrying about me.

Amy · Selina:Oh. / You're welcome.

Amy:That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral.

Amy:You would have her start her campaign with no strategy, no money, no staff... except for 'Superman' and 'Wonder Woman' over there...

Selina · Amy:The drugs stop here. / Oh! / No, no, don't say anything right after, 'cause it ruins it. / The drugs stop here. / We need to go, ma'am. / Yes, yes. Just one second. / 'They stop here'... firm. / The drugs stop here. / Nice.

Selina · Amy · Unknown:Are you getting 'pre-sick'? / Get downstairs. / It's 'below deck.'

Selina · Gary · Amy:Gary. / You gotta get a shot of this. / Ma'am... / Swords. He's got swords. / Fuck the swords. POTUS just announced that he's now pro-life.

Amy:There's two doors, okay? Pro-choice, pro-life. / Yeah. / There's no point in rattling the handles on either one of them. You just gotta pick a door and walk through it.

Selina · Amy · Dan:Is there a third door? / What, like a woman's door? A back door? No. / A trapdoor?

Cunningham · Amy:I've worked in DC for 10 years, and I've never been treated like this. Bundled around like a refugee? / I'm sorry. / I'm gonna back your boss, I always have. But you need to quit this job... / I know. / and find something you're halfway decent at. / Thank you. Yeah. Thank you so much.

Mike · Amy:Which is in weeks...? / Divide by seven, Mike.

Jonah · Amy:Jonah claims he 'dated' Amy; Amy immediately corrects 'We worked together'; Jonah: 'I was kinda Amy's boss at the time.'

Amy:Amy: 'The St. Joseph's Children's Choir has come down with a vomiting bug. All 30 of them. So the chaperones are drowning in children at the moment.'

Amy · Mike:Amy: 'Amy was born to be with kids.' / Amy: 'Well, peeing is fun!'

Amy:Halo returns from the bathroom: 'Okay, great pee!'

Amy:Amy on Mike: 'Oh, my God, Mike. What are you going to do for an encore? You gonna punch the kid?'

Amy · Mike:Mike's coworkers react to the "cow" explanation with complete silence/disbelief, punctuated by Amy: "Oh, my God, Mike. What are you going to do for an encore? You gonna punch the kid?"

Amy:Oh, my God, Mike. What are you going to do for an encore? You gonna punch the kid?

Amy · Leon:Amy: 'I can feel that air crackling between us.' (to Leon) / Amy about Leon: 'Amy, what is this bushel of fuck talking about?'

Selina · Amy:Yeah, that's taken care of. / They're gonna drop it? / Yeah, after they do one more with me in it. I'm just gonna embrace it.

Amy:Amy to Jonah: 'Jonah, you are the dick that keeps on giving!'

Amy:She was like a beached whale with one flipper fucking around in the air, and you were nowhere to push her back in the sea.

Amy:Remember, while you're there, do not use 'Google' as a verb. They 'Yahoo' things there.

Amy · Dan:you were nowhere to push her back in the sea... you know, they say all babies are cute, but whoever 'they' are should be stuck in a stroller and pushed into traffic.

Selina · Amy:He just came out of Gary's room. / No. / Yeah. / What is going on with that? / No, he... another room or something.

Selina · Amy · Melissa:Well, I'm really looking forward to meeting Craig. / Absolutely, although it is pronounced 'Cray-eeg.' / 'Creg.' / 'Cray-eeg.' / C-R-A-I-G. / That's right. / 'Creg'? / Uh, 'Cray-eeg.' / 'Cray-eeg.' Very close. / 'Cray-eeg.' That's it. Well done, Amy. / Oh. You got it right, 'Ah-mee.'

Dan · Amy:Get me a cheeseburger made of aspirin. / Where are you going, Dan? / I am going to get some air and then throw up in it.

Selina · Craig · Amy:Smartch, can you see for Craig... / Selina, you need to say 'Smartch.' / It's 'Madam Vice President.' / I know! / Okay. Smartch, can you see for Craig... / It's 'Cray-eeg.' / Cray-eeg... the MeetMeyer website. / [shows Sea World opening times]

Melissa · Amy:If it's any consolation, a porn parody is a sure sign that you've officially made it. / Technically, becoming vice president could count as making it.

Melissa · Amy:Craig is bookmarking this chat. / He's what? / You mean metaphorically?

Amy · Gary:I vote we tape Gary's mouth closed. / I did not say anything.

Amy:So they buy it for four, so that gives you, what, one? After taxes, it's like 500,000. It's nothing. What are you gonna do with that?

Selina · Amy:I'm taking these people back to dial-up. They think they're kings of America. / Well, in a way they are. / No, they're not. / I take your point.

Craig · Amy:I've been watching you and I like what I see. / Would you work here and share an open plan environment with me? / I'm flattered, but the sheer positivity of this place would break me.

Craig · Amy:This is what we'd pay you. / Go fuck yourself. / Sorry, that's the opposite of what I meant to say.

Gary · Selina · Kent · Amy:I've got to confess, ma'am, I've been in a lot of pain lately. It's my shoulder. The masseuse at the hotel this morning told me to take it easy... / It was a masseuse. / That makes total sense now. / Who did you think it was? / Kent, it was a masseuse. / Ah... masseuse. I buy that.

Gary · Selina · Kent · Amy:Why else would I invite a man into my hotel room? / Well... / Nothing. / Why are you looking at me like that? / Like what? / Nothing. It's a free country. / I know it's a free country. / I had a cousin like that. / Not to split hairs or anything, but it was a man. So, technically, it's a masseur, not a masseuse. / Right. / Whatever makes you happy. / It doesn't matter. / I don't understand what's... / Whatever makes me happy? / It's complicated, isn't it?

Selina · Craig · Amy:Oh... / Now, Selina... / Oh... / some people call me 'Madam Vice President.' / But you can call me whatever you want, Craig. / 'Cray-eeg.' / Yeah.

Amy · Selina:Well, ma'am, by denying that 'Chung' and 'torture' are connected, everyone now seems to think that, well, 'Chung' and 'torture' are connected. / And I wonder what magician got that little story out there?

Amy:Melissa, I've had time to think about it now, and... I'm a grown-up. I don't think I'm the right fit here. I wasn't even that into toys when I was a kid.

Melissa · Amy:The Veep doesn't value you. / She's about to promote me to campaign manager. She values me. / That's off the record, by the way.

Melissa · Amy:I don't need you. I can buy a thousand Amys. / That's fine by me if your idea of 'special' is Jonah Ryan. / Jonah Ryan? We sunsetted that idea minutes ago. We've withdrawn our offer. / Well, 'like.' Sorry, wrong company.

Selina · Amy:In the ladies' restroom, they have some sort of an Internet toilet. I couldn't figure out how to flush it. It's got all these buttons that freak me out, so could you go handle it? Okay. It's the third stall.

Dan · Amy · Ben:Amy on Dan's sudden niceness to staff: 'You guys remind me of me when I was you. Look at me now.' Ben: 'Nobody says shit like that voluntarily.'

Amy:Amy on Dan as campaign manager: 'I'd rather cede control of the CIA to Pakistan than see Dan lead a campaign.'

Amy:Amy tries to use Dan's 'be nice' strategy but admits: 'I can't do the "be nice to people" because that's what Dan's doing. Also, 'cause I can't do it.'

Amy:Amy to Dan: 'You know, Dan, watching you try to be nice is like watching a baby smoke a cigarette... it's kind of cool, but also very disturbing.'

Dan · Amy:Amy and Dan compete over who can put aside campaign manager ambitions. Dan: 'I can totally put that aside.' Amy: 'Of course.' Both immediately try to grab the spot when Selina says 'Dan, you're coming.' Amy: 'Well, actually, I have a load of...' Dan: 'Laundry to do?'

Ben · Mike · Amy:Amy's dinner party: wine spill — Mike does something to cause the spill, then: 'Don't rub it, Mike. I'm making it worse.' Ben: 'I was gonna get a new rug, so... I could take a dump on it, if you need a clincher.'

Amy · Mike:Amy's dinner: 'Oh, there was a seating plan. But it is absolutely fine.' (after someone ignores it) / Wine is spilled on Mike, Amy: 'Don't rub it, Mike. I'm making it worse.'

Kent · Amy:Kent to Amy, while identifying a wine by smell: 'And she has got a real nose for wine. You remember that soiree at the French embassy, where you were identifying the year by the smell?' Amy: 'I also do that with my men.'

Amy · Cook:Amy checks on her dinner: 'What is it?' Cook: 'Potatoes.' Amy: 'I can see that. Potatoes a la what?' Cook: 'Just potatoes.' Amy: 'You can't really eat them by themselves.' Cook: 'I've eaten hummus with a pen cap. Don't tell me how I can eat.'

Kent · Amy:Kent looks at the bowl of potatoes: 'That is an ark of potato.' Amy: '"S.S. Starch."'

Kent · Amy · Ben:Kent: 'So, Amy, when are you going to ask us to support you as campaign manager?' Amy: 'I guess I don't have to now.' She proposes a 'work' drinking game. Ben immediately says 'Work.' and drinks.

Amy · Ben:Amy: 'Anyone who talks about work tonight has to take a drink.' Then immediately: 'Work.' Ben takes a drink immediately.

Amy · Kent:Amy's toast: 'Thank you for your skills and for your friendship.' Kent: 'Hear, hear.' All: 'To skills.' / 'And friendship.'

Kent · Amy · Ben:The Jonah/Jeff Kane revelation at Amy's dinner party. Group discovers Jonah's uncle is Jeff Kane (controls New Hampshire senior vote). The political dinner immediately becomes a campaign war room.

Kent · Amy · Ben:Amy kicks everyone out of her dinner party. Kent: 'Please do support Amy as Selina's campaign manager.' Amy: 'Please do. Yay me. Yay me.' Then: 'Anybody wanna get a burger?' Ben: 'Yeah.'

Amy · Boyfriend:Amy's boyfriend reveals it's their anniversary. Amy: 'Oh, please do not tell me you are one of those fucking weirdos that celebrates three month-a-versaries.' He says it's actually a year. Amy: 'A year in which you neglected to tell me about Jeff Kane. Go.'

Amy · Mike:Amy arrives at the bar and is horrified to find Mike's specimen cooler on the bar. Mike: 'Relax, Amy. It's a spoiled batch. I missed my window today at the clinic and Wendy is not happy.'

Kent · Amy · Ben:Kent arrives at the bar: 'Hey, kids. Everybody well oiled?' Then announces there 'may be some changes.' Amy: 'She got a campaign manager, didn't she?' Kent: 'Please tell me it's not Dan.' It is Dan. Amy: 'Fuck you, Dan, you minor-league gigolo!'

Amy · Dan:Amy tries to call Selina from the bar to warn about the Ericsson betrayal. Dan: 'I invited you guys to dinner.' Amy: 'Yeah, then you kicked us out.'

Kent · Amy · Ben · Gary · Mike:Kent's plan: 'We should throw your expired cum at Jonah's door.' Group chants: 'Let's throw cum! Let's throw cum!' Mike: 'Amy, no, no... that's my DNA!'

Amy · Dan:You know what? Next time I'll get a clown and cheer you up. — Oh, good, a two-clown entourage.

Gary · Selina · Amy:Whoa, don't look now, but nine o'clock, ex-hubby. — You see that tie? It's hideous. — Horrendous. — Suits him. — Yeah, it does.

Amy:Amy's confessional: 'I look tense because... yes, well, one, I have broad shoulders, and, two, because that's the job.'

Selina · Ray · Amy:Touch this. Touch me right here. — Oh, Ray. Nice work. — Seriously, isn't that incredible? — Here, Amy, touch this. Feel.

Selina · Amy:I think he's kind of cute. Do you? — Yeah, he's very cute. — We're fucking.

Amy · Selina:Don't worry. I can get rid of that in a matter of an hour. — No, no, no. — The chicken's off the menu. — What? No, I don't want to get rid of him.

Amy · Selina:Because you want to be president? — Well, I mean, I can get rid of him then... I guess.

Dan · Amy:Come on, we all know Andrew's terrible for her. So I sourced Ray. He's her new chew toy. — You're a sex trafficker now. How low can you go? — Well, however it is, Amy, I'm still higher than you.

Amy · Selina:Women with guns are less threatening, ma'am. — Yeah, exactly, because they're not nut jobs. Case in point, by the way.

Dan · Amy:You know what? Today is the day that Selina Meyer's campaign begins. — You say that once a week.

Amy:We're about to go to a roomful of guns. I don't think we're exactly in the right headspace.

Amy · Dan · Selina:So, look at guns, but don't touch guns. — Oh, God. — Don't even say the word 'gun.' Use words like 'protection' or 'assurance.' — But in context. Don't say, 'Freeze, or I'll protect your fucking head off.'

Gary · Selina · Amy:She is not gonna like that. — She's an adult. — Are you talking about Catherine or Selina?

Selina · Amy · Catherine:Well, if we kill everybody in the room, then we might be okay. — Yeah. Can I kill Minna first? — I stole a pistol from the gun show.

Amy · Selina:You won't have lied for six months. — Oh, that's true. I appreciate that point.

Amy · Dan:Obesity is a huge issue. — Yeah. It absolutely is. It is.

Amy:Why are we on the couch? Did she fall?

Selina · Amy:Hey, is FLOTUS having an affair? Not that I would blame her. Have you seen her lately? She's lost a lot of weight. Her neck is like stretched cheese.

Amy:She can lie to the Brits and go straight to confession.

Amy · Ben · Amy:In related news, Ray's talking. Oh, God. To smart people? He's currently with a woman from the Bank of England. It's like watching a goat trying to use an ATM.

Amy:'Jonah Bond, double-o-fuck off.'

Dan · Amy:They're eating this up. I think we just landed a catchphrase. / They're not saying 'Daniwah.' They're saying 'down in one.' / Moron.

Amy:They're laughing at her like a toddler they taught to swear.

Dan · Amy:Dan: 'I am Dan With A Plan Egan, so if I can't work, then you can't work...' / Amy cuts him off: 'Call him back. We've got to go in there and talk to Selina. / That's... I was doing a little role-playing.'

Amy:Like the Charles Manson defense?

Mike · Amy:Why does he have access to the 'G' folder? I don't even have access to the 'G' folder. / Yes, you do, Mike. We all do. It's the general file on the iCloud. / Everything was much easier when it was just floppy discs.

Dan · Amy · Mike:Daniwah! Easy, buddy! Get your hands off me, all right? I don't want to catch your fucking idiocy. Oh, he's having a heart attack. Are you having a heart attack? No, I think he's just having a breakdown.

Gary · Amy:What's the code you put before the number? / 0-0-1, U.S. / I just have her name, so I need to memorize the number before I put the codes in.

Mike · Amy:This is like the Queen's china. They're never gonna let us back into England again. [Someone breaks china] / Shh! It doesn't matter. / It does matter! This is the fuckin' Queen's china! / Shh!

Amy · Selina:Dan only hired him as a sex slave. / What? / Dan, he hired Ray as a... as a sex slave, did you not know?

Selina · Amy:He... he pimped me out? [long pause] Yeah, yeah.

Dan · Amy:You know, me being made campaign manager over you... I mean, you could have been a real bitch, and you've been great.

Jonah · Amy:Those flowers aren't for Dan? Oh, fuck, no. No, those are for my 'filthy Mary Poppins' and I'm gonna give her a 'spoonful of sugar.'

Amy:Selina just fired you as campaign manager, so take as long as you need. Take longer.

Amy:Amy reading Dan's fake medical chart: 'Dan Egan, 67, female. Unemployed campaign manager. 30 different types of semen pumped from stomach, inverted nipples, abnormally high douche readings... Cancer of the soul, traces of dog excrement found around the corners of the mouth, chronic cretinism, leprosy, anal bleeding... tiny child balls.'

Amy:Pierce may be a sitting fuck, but...

Amy:Whoa, who the fuck is smiley-faced coffee boy?

Amy:Oh. So you threw away Dan and you kept the voodoo doll, huh?

Amy · Staffer:I think Gary's about to come. / Don't do it. / It's too much buildup.

Amy:What is it with you two? It's like— it's like flirting, but sexless.

Amy · Dan · Kent:'George Looney.' / Hey, Kent.

Dan · Amy:Can I get anybody a coffee? / Milk and two heaping spoonfuls of whatever the fuck you're on.

Amy:Yeah, is there a smoking condom?

Amy · Ben:It could have been anyone. Could have been Ben. / Yeah, I poked everything that moved back then.

Amy:Maybe a crack whore, if we're lucky.

Jackson · Amy:Call me naive, but isn't that unethical? / You're naive. Welcome to politics.

Amy · Mike:You're married to one. / A blind woman?

Amy · Gary · Selina:She can't practice not having the twitch. / She can practice that. It's called 'muscle memory.' / This is gonna be on television. / What about Botox?

Amy:It's like being dropped into enemy territory unarmed.

Amy · Selina · Gary:The twitch is back. / The twitch is back, yeah. I cannot believe it. / No, that's in the past and you have to go forward. / Oh, my God. Twitchy is back. / Shit!

Amy · Gary · Selina:You don't want to go Nixon on us. / You can turn sideways. Twitch, smile, turn. / And the three Rs. / I have the three Rs. / 'Reform, reaffirm, renew.' / No, 'renew.' / That's what I just said, renew.

Amy:Very good. Now compare yourself to Lincoln and Buddha.

Furlong · Amy:Thornhill's dial tests are off the dial. / The public will vote for anybody they recognize. We could lose to the whale from 'Free Willy.'

Amy · Mike:Mike, you said Wendy would be here. Where is she? / She's not my dog, Amy. — who actually isn't very well at the moment. / I don't care, Mike. Just get Wendy here. / She's got a problem with an anal gland. / I'm talking about the dog.

Dan · Selina · Amy:I feel your pain. You okay? / I'll be better when you walk away. / If only we could all just walk away.

Amy:Dan, get on the phone. Find me Thornhill's snatch, now. Call every whore and mistress in America until you find the right one.

Pierce · Amy · Kent:If our government is going to take everything from us, bar the kitchen sink, they might want to take... the plug as well. / Why a plug? / To... plug up the plug hole. / It was a joke. / He's making a joke. / Guess I'm the only one with a sense of humor.

Amy:Hey, Jackson, are you working for him and not telling us?

Mike · Wendy · Amy:Okay, babe, look. I'm gonna give you the Joe Thornhill affair. / Thornhill had an affair? / What the hell is wrong with you? / That's okay. That's good with me. I'll take that. / Good boy. Good boy, good boy, good boy.

Amy:Okay, we really, really need that woman who fucked him to fuck him. We need Joe's ho.

Dan · Amy:He fucked her. / Oh-hh! This feels better than actually having sex yourself.

Selina · Amy:I call it my 'three Rs.' / It's time for the 'three Rs.' / They're solid as a rock, rock, rock.

Selina · Amy:Renew, renew. The third R is 'renew.' / She forgot the third R. / The third R is— actually, in fact, let me go back to 'reaffirm,' which was number two.

Amy · Furlong:Do we have any snipers? Can we take her out? / You got a gun? I'll do it.

Furlong · Amy:Jesus, that is a wicked twitch. / I can't watch this. / Neither can she, 'cause her fuckin' eyes don't work.

Selina · Amy · Furlong:We need to repel unwanted immigration. We need to repel criminals, we need to repel obesity, we need to repel torturers. / I think I've endorsed a Nazi. / That would explain the Hitler haircut.

Amy · Kent:Just stop saying 'hole.' / It's not that bad. / No, as a 'hole,' it's not that bad.

Gary · Amy:Well, thank God for Twitchy. He really saved us. / I love that little guy. / Now he's got to convince everyone the three Rs don't stand for 'racist,' 'right wing,' and 'racist.'

Jonah · Amy · Dan:Yeah, okay. / Boy, I do not know what I saw in you. / I do. He's a less talented ugly version of me. He's basically a human comfort blanket.

Jackson · Amy:Remember when I came up with 'short hair for the long haul'? / When? What? No.

Amy · Furlong:Cheer up. Coming in second is good. It's especially true with opening debates. / Also with fucking.

Staffer · Selina · Amy:He's killing us. / Please downplay them, I said. / She is downplaying them, ma'am.

Selina · Amy:It's January, Mike. / Yeah, and I can't throw a ball, Mike.

Amy:Nothing says 'regular American' like standing on a street corner shouting at strangers.

Kent · Selina · Amy:POTUS is having a difficult time with FLOTUS and her... / Suicide attempt, yeah. / Yes. / I don't blame her. Imagine being married to that guy. I wouldn't put up with that shit for a second.

Selina · Mike · Gary · Amy:The team discovers Quincy's phone has been recording — panic ensues. 'It knows too much.' / 'Let's just throw it in the toilet.' / 'And say what, Mike?'

Staffer · Amy:0001, 0002... / You cannot be serious.

Reporter · Amy · Ben:Is this your idea of fiscal responsibility? / I'm Amy Brookheimer. / Relax, relax. / A little room, please. / Hypertension kills.

Selina · Kent · Amy:Where's POTUS gonna live, though? / Where is he... / Yeah, 'cause doesn't he have to move? / That'll be taken care of. / No, but does he have a house? / Somebody will handle that. / You don't have to worry about that.

Amy · Selina:Jesus, what the fuck happened to you? / Shh, listen, listen. The president is resigning. Selina is gonna be president.

Amy:Wow, it really is all about you, isn't it?

Amy:Amy: 'I'm not sure that Beyoncé fully understands that.' (about Selina still needing to campaign while being president)

Amy:Amy: 'Thank you for interrupting your studies, your start-ups, your retirements, your federal sentences.'

Amy:Amy: 'Kent, your rhetoric, as always, is inspiring.'

Amy:Amy: 'He's got old people coming out of his ass.'

Selina · Amy · Ben:Selina: 'Get a local judge to do it.' Amy: 'Wait, isn't that gonna look just a little bit tacky?' Ben: 'That could be really great for us. Play up to New Hampshire's already inflated sense of self-importance.'

Ben · Amy · Selina:Ben/Amy: 'Isn't that gonna look just a little bit tacky? / I don't think about it. / No, no, no. That could be really great for us. Play up to New Hampshire's already inflated sense of self-importance.'

Amy · Selina:Amy: 'Don't get too concerned about New Hampshire, ma'am.' Selina: 'I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second.'

Amy · unnamed aide:Chicken and egg scenario. / Yeah, but where the chicken is just refusing to ovulate.

Mike · Amy:Don't shoot the messenger. I just gave you the message. You're being shot by the messenger.

Ericsson · Amy:For a lonely suicide or an affair with your secretary. It's discreet. There's no DC people here. I booked it using the name Lazlo Whittaker. / Was Vladimir Draw-Attention-To-Myself already taken?

Ericsson · Amy:I'll cut right to the chase. / Good, 'cause that last minute was a very long minute.

Ericsson · Amy:Your job is very interesting. / Well... / Challenging. / Very exciting job. / My job, yes, it is. / The job I have is a very good job.

Amy · Ericsson · Richard:You said she can win. I asked if she will win. / I'm sorry, was that sparkling or still water?

Amy · unknown:Wonder what he'll do next. He's the best campaign manager in America. / One of them. / He could have any job he wants. / Yeah. / He could have your job. / You know, I'm saying all this out loud and I probably shouldn't be.

Amy · Ben:'Reservoir Dogs,' huh? / Excuse me? / I've never actually seen it, but as I understand, there's a scene where they all walk in a row like this.

Mike · Dan · Amy:I don't like to swear, guys, but I think the S is about to hit the F. / The shit is gonna hit the fuck? / No, F is for fan, Mike, not fuck. Why would shit hit fuck? Shit doesn't hit fuck.

Amy:Oh, sorry. Guys, this is the military industrial complex. Military industrial complex, these are the president's flying monkeys.

Amy · Furlong:Shall we recalibrate our language, Roger? / It's Congressman Furlong to you, gray Elvis.

Amy:The N620s are for a threat that doesn't exist. We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy.

Dan · Amy:Wait, she's got the hard copy, right? I mean, that's her backup chute right there. / Great, she reads that while we edit this.

Dan · Amy:Well, she just announced a dead guy's plan. / He's not fucking dead.

Amy · Selina:Sorry, ma'am, you said not to interrupt, but we have a campaign meeting scheduled for right now. / I know, Amy. / I'm descheduling as I exit.

Amy:You make me any more late, and I lock you in this car and have it compacted.

Selina · Amy:By the way, I'm bringing in Bill Ericsson. / Madam President, did you just say Bill Ericsson? / Ma'am, I... Ooh!

Bill Ericsson · Amy:I have a specific title, but a wide brief... Eliminate weaknesses. / That's a little Nazi doctor.

Amy:Well, I just wanted to say a friendly hello in an unfriendly way.

Amy:Gary, you look whiter than a Georgia country club.

Amy:Is there a child missing?

Gary · Amy:I wanted her first state dinner to be really nice. So you what? Hired strippers?

Amy · Selina:I think if there are three whole flower trucks parked outside the White House, I would know about it. / Go. Outside, go. Count the flower trucks.

Amy:I feel like this is gonna be a key scene in my biopic.

Amy:Just another Saturday night.

Selina · Amy:That's not funny, Amy. What? Why not?

Amy:Doyle's using 'Every Breath You Take' for his walk-on music. He loves that song. He got married to it both times. Every line ends with 'I'll be watching you.' Sting might as well be singing 'I'll access your medical data' in a fake Jamaican accent.

Amy:Fuck the light show, Jonah, okay? He's the vice president, not the new Lexus.

AV tech · Amy:Well, I'm not sure, but positivity is the first step. Love it.

Ben · Amy · Ben:Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. / We'll explain later. / No, we won't. We'll never explain.

Amy:Ben's not going. It's Dan. Mike's about to saw off the healthy leg.

Amy · Selina:I thought... When we discussed, I thought that it was Ben who would be going. Oh, right. Yeah, actually, Bill suggested Dan. He thought it would be a good idea to keep Ben to take the heat in case the other data shit hits the fan. Good thought, right? Yeah. Just doing my job. Me, too.

Amy · Selina · Amy:Ah. / He thought it would be a good idea to keep Ben to take the heat in case the other data shit hits the fan. / Good thought, right? / Yeah. / Just doing my job. / Me, too.

Amy:You don't get a get-well card when you have plastic surgery.

Amy:I've extended my stay in Israel for another day. So I may need to borrow some toothpaste.

Amy:Perhaps it did need some reworking. [beat after Doyle's speech disaster]

Amy:I've seen a salmon in a grizzly's mouth look less panicky than that.

Aide · Kent · Amy:Ironically, the straight guy is very stiff around the gay guy. — Our polling said that he was widely perceived as quite wooden. — Why were you polling him?

Amy:Yet again, the left hand has no idea what the right hand is doing and the freakish middle hand is punching me repeatedly in the tits.

Amy · Jonah:What the fuck? Did you just throw Kent into the blender to save your own ass? — Not fully into the blender. Maybe just a little bit. Just the toe, 'cause...

Amy · Amy:That is the Jonah I've been trying to wake up since the day you got here. — And Kent Davison is a disloyal fucking prick. I fucking hate Kent. I want to wipe that neutral expression off his face.

Amy:Jonah, either get Leon's mom to the air base or buy yourself a very convincing wig.

Amy:Maybe he's bitten off his tracking device.

Selina · Amy:Amy, if anyone asks for me, I've gone outside to scream into the night. — Okay. — Have one for me, too.

Bill · Amy:The press are saying that the VP is unhappy with the president. — That doesn't make me happy. — Because of the secret polling? Or because he's heard that someone has hacked the data of dead children? Or a third reason which is even worse than those?

Amy:Ooh, am I in the wrong place? — Is this QVC?

Amy:The man whose dream vacation is hunting the street kids of Rio on a human safari.

Amy:Sorry you got fired. You were almost good at your job, which really made you stand out.

Dan · Amy:Well, welcome back from the wasteland. Here's to us. To a job well done on your part. — You were great. — Yeah, I know. — You know, we could still be great. — We could? — Oh, yeah.

Dan · Amy:Am I that transparent? Really? — Dan, you kind of are. — Well, Amy, I would love it if you would give me... access to the White House. — Oh. — What? — You think I was gonna ask you something else? — No. — Okay.

Amy:Amy, bad news. Ericsson told Doyle that the campaign used dead kids' data to target recently bereaved parents. — God, that is some elaborate self-sabotage right there. That is Cirque du Soleil suicide bombing.

Amy · Karen Collins:Um, her specialty is common sense. — That's right. Good memory.

Selina · Sue · Amy:Sue, if anybody asks for me, I've gone outside to scream into the night. — Okay. — Have one for me, too.

Selina · Amy · Catherine · Jason:Kiss rehearsal: 'Which part?' / 'All of it.' — Catherine and Jason's on-stage kiss is terrible and the whole team watches in horror

Amy · Karen:'All sciences are precise. That's what science means.' / 'That's open to interpretation.'

Amy:Amy's resignation speech: 'I have bitten my tongue so long it looks like a dog's cushion.'

Amy:'You have two settings... No decision and bad decision.'

Amy:'I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the fire department standing by, but yet here you are running America.'

Amy:'You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets and maybe slavery.'

Amy:'The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked.'

Amy:I'm not expected to do anything with anyone, am I?

Amy:Why are there so many security and military people on the list at this concrete event? Are we at war with clay?

Lobbyist/Rena · Amy:Amy, what does the military buy a lot of? Oh, I know this. It's candy.

Aiden Grant · Amy:Ah, to be 20 years younger, right? I would be in diapers.

Dan · Amy · Lobbyist boss:Oh, man, I'm really enjoying this sibling rivalry between you two. I'm trying to figure out what that makes you to us. Daddy. Ah.

Amy's companion · Amy:Is lobbying always like this? I have a funny sinking feeling it might be.

Gary · Amy:'Paint something.' / 'I don't even paint my own nails, Gary. A Vietnamese lady does that.'

Amy:'I am very good at my job, and even I can't get people to vote for that heap of mystery meat.'

Amy:'I am so glad I left. She has gone full Colonel Kurtz.'

Congressman · Dan · Amy:'This is the same folder that Jonah Ryan had.' — congressman recognizes the Office Depot folder as conspiracy evidence

Amy:'I'm kind of having fun. I like having a cover story. Makes me feel like a Charlie's Angel.'

Amy:'Oh, no, Joker and Penguin beat us to it.'

Amy:'And your support will shrink faster than a penis in the December Hudson.'

Jonah · Amy:'I'm sorry, Mrs. Pierce. How dare you come in here and try to strong-arm a person when he's sitting at his sick mother's bedside?' / 'That's exactly what you just did, dumbass.'

Amy · Jonah:Amy and Dan stopped at the White House door: 'You can't come in. That comes from the president.' Amy: 'Well, she's a bitch.' Jonah: 'I'll tell her you said hi.'

Amy:That was transcendent bullshitting.

Amy:Set up an office with Selina at the Betty Ford Clinic? No, I've applied for a job outside. Politics bores me. It bores the living hell out of me. God, it's boring.

Amy:No. Um, a lot of the polls have not closed yet. So, no. No, you know, it's no.

Amy · Dan:I'm going. I have to go. / What? No, you can't do that. / Yeah, no, I have to see this play out with Selina.

Amy · Greg · Dan:Amy's on-air meltdown: 'And you're acting as though I'm sounding shrill right now? / Yeah, yeah, keep making that face implying that I'm shrill. / Hey, could someone check the parking lot? I think all the alarms are going off.'

Amy:Just something with real sugar. No sweeteners or I'll shit my pants.

Amy · Selina:Actually, four Christian missionaries burned to death. Oh, even better.

Amy:It's hardly noticeable, ma'am, like our Hispanic voter turnout.

Amy:I don't know what's getting their dicks harder, an electoral college tie or talking to a girl.

Ben · Amy · Mike:And every day you have to do the one thing O'Brien can't do. / Yeah, drive sober. / Take a shit without getting a hernia.

Ben · Amy:He took it like a man. Oh, well, he better get used to that.

Selina · Richard · Amy · Ben:No, he's off book. / No, ma'am, I think that means he's learned all his lines and no longer needs a script. / No, he's off book. / Off the hook? / No, he's... God, he's deviating from the book of the things that he should do. / You mean off the rails.

Amy · Selina:If you want a super smart woman who's young and brilliant, then why not? / Yeah, I really want that. I really do.

Amy:Look, regardless of the recount, this could mean big things for zucchini.

Candi · Amy:Hi, it's Candi with an I. / Amy with a Y. Which is correct.

Amy:Ms. Caruso, the president sends her apologies, but the position has been filled.

Richard · Amy:In fact, you two used to date, but you never got over him. / Not Jonah. Why is baby with a beard here?

Richard · Amy:In fact, you two used to date, but you never got over him. / Not Jonah. Why is baby with a beard here?

Amy · Dan:Whatever useless, vain, vapid thing you're doing right now, drop it. / Well, I am enjoying a delicious sandwich made even more delicious by the fact that there's a homeless guy watching me eat it.

Amy:Right now you're about as toxic as a urinal cake in Chernobyl and I am offering you a job.

hotel clerk · Amy · Richard · Jonah:If you do not have a reservation, we are sold out. There are no more rooms at this hotel. / Richard, have your people check us in. We're going to the lounge. / Jonah, take care of that. / Cliff, would... / Cliff?

Amy:Seriously, I'm more Hispanic than she is. You know? Where's she from, Santo Connecticut?

Sophie · Amy · Sophie:I thought that Carson City was, like, part of Las Vegas. / Vegas is 432 miles away. / Sorry I'm not a 'where everything is' nerd.

Sophie · Amy:What happens in Vegas, it stays in Vegas. / We're not in Vegas.

Amy · Bob:'The injunction or the dick slapping?' — Amy asking for clarification on what to set up

Dan · Amy:Jesus, you're still here? / I don't know why. My only jobs seem to be asking Bob and finding out what Bob thinks.

Amy:'You might actually want to go to Rite Aid. Get some Valtrex.'

Selina · Amy · Ben:Selina reassuring Amy that she's 'very important to the campaign' and doing 'a great, very good job' — clearly to manage her suspicions about Bob

Amy:'All right, Amy, this meeting cannot make it past the School Book Depository. I'm loading my gun and heading to the sixth floor.'

Richard · Amy:'Amy, if you had rented me a Sebring, yes.' — Richard on whether he can drive faster to the Whitman meeting

Selina · Amy:'I just want you to know that I could not have done it without Richard, and I want you to please relay my thanks to him.' — Selina telling Amy to thank Richard

Gary · Selina · Amy:Ma'am, Amy's calling. / Ame, hi. What's going on? / Ma'am, I'm so, so sorry. / What? What happened? / Your mother. I read on HuffPo that she was in the hospital.

Amy:Oh, it's great if you want a bloated booze bag to be our next president.

Amy:Did Eleanor Roosevelt eat pussy?

Amy · Nevada official · Amy · Amy:Oh, Jesus. Oh, God, I'm sorry. It's the way we talk in the White House. I'm not even aware I'm doing it anymore. / Wow. I mean, you seem so... and then... / Hey, it may not even be true. / Did she eat pussy or did she just fingerbang her way down Pennsylvania Avenue? / Fuck my mouth. I'm doing it again.

Amy:Yeah, I'm on it, though I think the DJ already spent the deposit.

Dan · Amy · Kent:I think Tom is up to something with Sidney Purcell... And he said that I was crazy. / You know what it could be? That you are fucking crazy. / Tom James. / It was a fucking panic attack. / Tom James. / Goddamn panic attack.

Amy's dad · Amy:What is this Tom James guy like? Is he tall? / I should get back to work. The president needs me.

Amy's dad · Amy:Well, one of us did, but what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. / Jesus, for the final time, it was not Vegas!

Amy · Amy's Dad:Amy's father asks about Tom James and Amy says 'I should get back to work' — implying something happened in Vegas.

Amy · Kent · Unknown:Because that's gonna look like you care more about your boyfriend than you do the economy, normal people, and everything else you're supposed to care about. / AIDS for example. / Thanks, Kent's autism.

Amy · Unknown Staffer:At least when Truman made the decision to drop the bomb, he wasn't fucking anyone in Hiroshima. / That we know of.

Mike · Amy:Okay, I'm sorry. I can't do this. She put me in charge of this whole stupid investigation and it was me. I called her a cunt. / You did? / I thought everyone knew it was me. / I was in the Senate building with Dan and I'm sure someone overheard me. / I shouted it into my phone on the Acela Quiet Car.

Jonah · Amy · Richard · Catherine:Whoa, I'm sorry. What are you doing here? / Hello, Jonah. Richard. / Hi, Catherine. / When you talk to me, you ruin the film. / Always a pleasure.

Amy:From now on, Jonah, you will shut the fuck up and do exactly as I say. And if you listen to me instead of your only two brain cells busy butt-fucking each other somewhere in the vast expanses of your misshapen skull, then maybe, Jonah, you might have a chance at becoming the first mentally impaired Frankenstein's monster to ever win an American election.

Amy:And by the way, your banner makes it look like your name is Jon H. Ryan, so great job, communications department.

Amy:Set a reminder. / Make an appointment to freeze eggs.

Selina · Amy:I want you to fire Gerry Duggan, Phil Neary and what's her ass, Lisa... / Hatch? / Yeah, I want her out of the comms department, okay? / Because they should not have let an article about me being called a cunt get out in the first place.

Amy · Selina:You okay, ma'am? / Have you ever been called a cunt? / Many times. / Well, now I have, too, apparently once.

Amy · Dan:They make you look half smart, you fucking goon. / You know what we call people like you back in my day? / Retards.

Leon · Amy:Huh, you eat. / I suppose you need something to nervously shit out.

Amy:Hello, Leon. It's always good to see the most left-swiped face on Tinder.

Leon · Amy:Or is a panicky mass firing because someone called POTUS a cunt in 'Politico'? / Ah, I just blew the lid off of Cuntgate.

Amy · Leon:- It's not a gate. - No, it's very much a gate. / You should watch out, Amy. / You don't want to be the face of Cuntgate. / Although you do have the perfect face for it.

Amy · Mike:Mike! You fucking jagoff. / Is this about the coffee pods? I swear I was gonna put... / No, you told the president to bail out Charlie's bank.

Mike · Amy:No, I didn't say anything about banks. / I was talking to her about how Wendy paid off my student loans and how I love her for it. / You still have student loans? How old are you? / I'm not good with money.

Ben · Amy:Who do you think said it? / Well, we did. Me and Mike. / Oh, my God. I thought it was me. / No way. / No, I'm pretty sure I called her a cunt to the reporter who broke the story.

Gary · Amy · Ben:Gary. / It was me. I called the president the C word. / No, you didn't. / Really? / I was so mad about her not wearing sunscreen, which is stupid, and I was like, 'What an old crone.' / A what? / An old crone, Amy. / Gary, C is for cunt. / What? / We all called her a cunt. / Oh, my God! / What is wrong with you people?

Amy · Selina:Ma'am, is this a good time? / You bet. / The investigation continues at a rigorous pace. / So who called me a cunt? / Uh... / Was it everybody? / Pretty much, yeah. / You can go.

Amy:Every year it means a month of horny Senate aides looking down my blouse.

Amy:Can't believe how many compliments I'm getting about the hot list. [Amy getting compliments she doesn't want] Don't people around here have anything better to talk about than the stupid hot list?

Dan · Amy:Hey. — Oh, looking good, 26.

Candi Caruso · Amy:I am engaged. Mm-hmm. Who's... to whom? Gary Welsh. You know, Gary Welsh. Gary Welsh? Oh! Gary Welsh at State. He was supposed to be on this 50 Hottest thing that I'm in, but they got his name wrong.

Amy:It wasn't you. What? You're not hot. Gary Welsh at State is. You're a typo.

Amy:But like you said, it's not up here, it's what's in here.

Amy:He looked like Ike Turner handing Tina a snack.

Amy:Yeah, back to the natural habitat your nitwit mother found you in, you fucking shaved Sasquatch.

Amy · Catherine:Actually, I'm the one that's supposed to say cut. No, no, no, I'm saying it because we're starting that over. Ready? Action.

Amy:Yeah, that's the least reassuring sentence I've heard since 'It's okay, it's just the tip.'

Amy:Tom's first term won't count because technically he'll be an elevated vice president. But I sound like Kent, so...

Various characters · Amy:[Documentary-style montage of characters describing Amy] She likes to hear herself talk. / Tense. / Shrill. / Shrill. / Shrill. / Did they say shrill?

Dan · Amy:'Well, that just kind of made this whole year worth it.' / 'Yeah.'

Amy · Candi:Amy to Ben's new colleague: 'You've interviewed here so many times, I'd think that you'd know the place like the back of your hand by now.'

Amy · Unknown:'Can I borrow somebody's phone? I have to check on Buddy.' / 'Oh, did you get a dog?'

Buddy · Amy:Buddy: 'Is it okay if I finish?' / Amy: 'I'm not your mother.'

Danny · Amy:Can we roll that video one more time for our audience? / And here's the moment where he exposes himself. / That's right, yes. / Can we play that again?

Danny · Amy:Ames, who's your favorite character on 'Downton'? / I don't know. Abby, I guess. / Yep.

Buddy · Amy:Buddy Calhoun announces he's withdrawing from the governor's race because of 'the love of the wonderful woman who has agreed to be my wife' — Amy, who had no idea this was coming.

Amy:Listen, jizz clot, I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're gonna have a meeting with Sherman Tanz

Amy:They haven't agreed to putting your name on anything, ma'am.

Amy:They're fucking her in the ass?

Amy:You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby.

Amy:for a president who is currently more famous for being a jizz sock for Times Square tourists

Amy · Selina:Human rights activist candidate search: no legs, acid-scarred face, already executed — followed by 'Full quota of limbs. She's got a whole face.'

Selina · Amy:Amy, you should take a cue from him, really.

Greg · Amy · Selina:We're just gonna need our advance back. — There was an advance? — Quiet, quiet.

Amy · Selina · Mike:We're fucked. — I don't even remember any of that. — Some things are so dull, you have to block them out.

Catherine · Selina · Amy:Yes, Leslie or Dana if it's a boy and... And for a girl we like Linus. — Seriously? — That feels like child abuse.

Selina · Mike · Amy:I slept with Tom James! — Whoa! — No! — In the white-hot White House.

Selina · Mike · Amy:On a couch. — Ma'am, we have a best-seller! — I mean, it was the Green Room, but. — What? How do you know that? — You... you said it was at the Congressional Ball.

Selina · Amy · Gary:Or I could go and I could see him in person. — No, no, no, no, no, no. — You want me to go with? I can take notes. — Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. — No. Mm-mm.

Selina · Mike · Amy:Okay, Mike, get up. — So, how'd it go? — Well, he just begged me not to put it in. — So, none of it goes in the book? — No, it all goes in.

Tom James · Selina · Amy:She's a year older than me. — Okay, that is a fucking lie! — I mean, where's the follow-up question? — This is disinformation!

Gary · Selina · Amy:Do you want me to 69 him? — Oh, 86. — Yeah.

Amy:Jonah and his merry band of jizz huffers drove their short bus right into the debt ceiling vote and T-boned the entire US economy.

Roger Furlong · Amy · Will:Congressman Furlong — Brookheimer! Got your dong of a résumé. I know you'd chew your own arm off to escape being handcuffed to Meyers's overly toned corpse and her dungeon of losers, but I had to go in another direction. Tell her why, Will.

Selina · Amy:You wanna work for that guy? — I really do.

Amy:Do you know that if 30,000 more people in Alabama had gone to the polls instead of smoking off-brand cigarettes through their neck holes at riverboat casino slot machines, we would be working at the White House right now instead of hunting for your diary at a fucking truck stop in which I guarantee we are the only people who are not here to score speed or get their assholes licked.

Mike · Amy:Well, after I ate, I went right to the bathroom because things started loosening up, you know. Whenever I drink coffee, usually... / I do not need details!

Mike · Amy:Ha ha! Bingo! Got it. My jacket. / And? / And what? / Oh, no diary. Fuck! / Mike, I am going to choke you to death with your urine-soaked jacket.

Amy:God, Jesus! I can tell you that the diary is not in your ass crack because I have had a very good view of the strawberry fields for the last hour. Look, I lost my belt, okay?

Mike · Amy:Look, I lost my belt, okay? When I went through security at Dulles, I left it at security. / Maybe the diary's there. / Okay, now we're going to Dulles.

Amy · Gary · Imogene:There's no food here, and the baby and I just got so hungry, and I need you to not be mad at me because I just... I just had... I had one bite. / [Gary arrives with a second plate of extra pork chops] / Imogene, not now. / I don't know who you are anymore.

Amy · Mike · Amy · Mike · Amy:Do you know how expensive it is to freeze your eggs? / That's why you should adopt, Amy. / I'm not adopting. / The other day, Ellen was in her closet, eating cello bow rosin... / I really don't care, Mike.

Amy · Mike:Wait, this is Leon West's diary. / What? / Oh, my God, it is. / So, where's yours?

Mike · Amy:Wait, this is Leon West's diary. — What? — Oh, my God, it is. — So, where's yours?

Jaffar · Selina Meyer · Amy:"First Woman." — Yeah. — You could get murdered in my country for saying something like that. — It's a bit of a pun. — No, it's not.

Unknown staffer · Amy:There's a typo on the first page. — The first sentence. — 'From the moment I entered the the White House.'

Selina Meyer · Amy · Richard:Well, that's on you, Amy, because you were in charge of the book. — That's copy editing. — Congratulations again, Amy.

Gary · Amy:I'm not mentioned in this book until page 134. — I once dry-shaved that woman's legs under her desk during a cabinet meeting. — Yeah, I'm not in there till 213, and I wrote the book.

Selina Meyer · Amy:Is it bad? — Can I have a drink? I feel a little dehydrated. — It's kind of like the wave in 'The Perfect Storm,' except in this case, the wave is made out of shit and our boat is also made out of shit.

Selina Meyer · Amy · Gary · other staffers:Who despises me like this?! — Well, there's President Montez, Tom James... — The White House maids, the steward. — White working class voters. — Nobody! — Everybody loves you! — Shut up!

Selina Meyer · Amy · Mike:How long have you known about this? — Since Alabama. — But to be fair, we thought we were on top of it. — Oh, really? Well, now it's on top of you, it's knocked your teeth out, and it's making sweet love to your face!

Amy:I just got a lecture from a 22-year-old piss twat with a SUNY Binghamton degree who says that she thinks that you chickened out because of the 'Post' article.

Amy:You know what I think? You sound like the world's gayest AM radio show.

staffer · Amy · Selina Meyer:Well, he really likes Amy. — Amy who? — Ew! No!

Selina Meyer · Leon West · Amy:You can have Amy. — Wait, I don't understand. — You can have her. — [long pause] — Probably better from behind, though, you know...

Amy:Oh, it is beyond a dump. It is a toxic infant blowout out both diaper legs and up the back of the onesie.

Amy · Selina Meyer · Mike:It's got the soldier whose leg you lost. — Oh, my God, the lost leg. Ooh! — Surrounded by Mike's poorly drawn doodles of legs. — I'm sorry, Mike. — It looks like arms. — I'm better at arms. You should see the page where I wrote about the arms dealer.

Amy · Selina Meyer · Mike:They know that you 100% knew about the mining of those dead kids' social security and medical data. — No. — Well, I can't do the show. — I don't have a zinger for that one.

Selina Meyer · staffer · Amy:Okay, look, Tiffany, I am so happy to be here, but unfortunately, I've just gotten this emergency call... — Pregnant daughter. — ...from my pregnant daughter... — The baby is in distress. — ...and her baby is in such distress.

Dan · Amy:Yeah, she's telling Page Six that she and Brie are clam slamming. — Vaginas are so gross. — I wish I didn't have one. — Sometimes I forget I do. — Yeah, yeah, we all do.

Amy · Dan:I gotta get up early, 'cause Selina's... — Yeah, make it a double. — Atta girl.

Selina Meyer · Amy · Gary:Guess who is interested, all of a sudden, in the Selina Meyer Presidential Library. — Shut up! — Andrew. — What? — Your ex. — No. Yale! — I thought you went to Smith. — No, it's in the book that you wrote. — Right, right, right, right.

Selina · Amy:We are going to be in the EEOB. Oh. Yeah. No, it's good. I'm thinking we need to distance ourselves from this sort of 'one and done' administration. So, this is your decision?

Jonah · Selina · Amy:I am... oh, I am a West Wing intern. Oh, congratulations. Okay. I just wanna say it's such an honor to meet you. The only reason that I voted for Hughes is because you were on the ticket. Well, I'm sure you're not alone.

Amy · Danny Chung:How about an interview with the soldier that you pulled from the tank? That's an excellent idea. Yeah, thank you. But best not to contact him for personal reasons, or, really, anyone who saw it. I don't wanna retrigger.

Chung · Amy:Ready for a change, ready for Chung. Ready for a 'chunge.' First 'chunge,' we're gonna fix that slogan. Really? I'm kidding. It's great.

Chung · Dan · Amy:Give us a little touch of the feminine. You and I could split those duties. Yeah, I think I, uh... I've been waiting a long time for us to get together. There it is. There we go. Back at full strength!

Chung · Dan · Amy:Oh, Amy's out. No! Thanks for coming in, Ame. No! We're not gonna validate your parking. You don't mind that, do you?

Selina · Amy:I dreamt that I removed Leon West's balls with an ice cream scoop and I think I actually came. Is everything always ice cream with you?

Amy:Why? Why would you Kurt Cobain your own library?

Amy · Selina:There's just one last thing you need to do. Mm, I'm not gonna do that. Selina, you have to do it. Mm-mm.

Amy · Dan:Yeah, well, I'm pregnant and it's yours. Ladies and gentlemen... Fuck!

Amy · Selina Meyer:First and foremost, there was a reluctance on the part of the candidate to take responsibility for mistakes. / What? No, you were the one that made mistakes. What else? Go on.

Amy · Selina Meyer:Second, there was a culture of blame which made people feel unsafe expressing criticisms. / What dumb asshole said that?

Amy · Selina Meyer:Number three, an unwillingness to actually discuss strategies and share ideas with campaign staff. / Four... / Autopsy is now over.

Amy · Selina Meyer · Ben Cafferty:Why would you want to be president? / So I can nuke America. / Mm. / That's actually not bad. / Pretty good, actually.

Amy:I'm thinking of having this baby, and I'm not asking anything of you, literally nothing, but I do want the baby to know that you're the father. But I don't want your last name because I've always loved the name Meagan and I don't want people to think that I was going for Mee-gan Ee-gan because that sounds like someone who gets ass-fucked on the Major Deegan in a limerick.

Dan Egan · Amy:I-I like the name Meagan, too. / Although the Deegan's always congested. So... / Yeah, the Cross Bronx is much better for butt stuff.

Dan Egan · Amy:I'm gonna fuck Mike's boss. / My spidey sense tells me she's gonna yelp like a seagull in a bread factory. So... / Yeah. / S-Stick it in there good, pal. / Only way I know how.

Dan Egan · Amy:I just don't know if I'm ready to be a daddy to anyone who's not a sexy boho jewelry maker struggling to pay off her college loans. / I appreciate the soul-searching. / But if you wanna go Dutch or whatever on the abortion, just hit me up on Venmo, OK? / Oh, you know what? Make it public, OK? Shows I'm a gentleman.

Amy · Dan:Amy tells Dan she's pregnant and 'not asking anything of you, literally nothing' — then Dan says 'Okay, goodnight' and Amy says 'Goodnight'

Ben · Amy:Ben tells Amy she has 'some vomit on your mustache'

Amy:Amy: 'What the Rocky Mountain fuck?!'

Selina · Amy · Staff:Staff thinks a photo of Tom's schedule is a photo of his aide. 'Of his Amy? His who? His Amy. Ma'am, I don't see it... No ma'am, I got a picture of his schedule.'

Selina Meyer · Amy:'Amy, seriously, I know I rarely say this, but that was really...' [cuts off before compliment is delivered]

Amy · Selina:Amy reveals she's pregnant. Selina reacts: 'Can you imagine? / That's not funny. / Now I'm gonna be sick.'

Amy:Amy's reaction shot/silence during and after Dan's speech — cut to her calling an OB/GYN for an abortion

Dan · Amy:Dan tells Amy he's about to have sex with a 19-year-old cater waitress named Meagan — while Amy has just been emotionally processing whether to have his baby.

Amy:Amy calls to schedule an abortion: 'Yes, it's for an abortion. Yes, I'm sure. Oh, do you also do flu shots?'

Amy:I would like to schedule an appointment. It's for an abortion.

Amy · Dan:Oh, my God! / What? Don't they all know?

Amy · Dan:My dumb slit sister was supposed to be my abortion ride, but now, of course, she is nowhere to be found, so I'm-- / Oh. That makes sense. / Dan: Yeah. / Well, would you mind? / Unless you plan on fucking her again while she's passed out. She doesn't call that rape, by the way, that's just regular sex to her.

Amy:Yep, 10-4. Body's a wonderland. / Can I just sign the consent form?

Amy:Oh, yeah? You got any of those darts they use on rampaging circus animals?

Amy · Nurse:Less talk, more abortion. — Patient has declined. — I am as sure... as I will be.

Nurse · Amy · Dan:I'm sorry, who is this man? — That's Dan. — Yeah, I'm the proud father-to-not-be.

Amy:Feels like someone shoved a red-hot pair of barbecue tongs up my joy trail.

Dan · Amy:Frozen maxi-pads soaked in comfrey extract. My own personal recipe. / That is so nice. / And also... cold and disgusting.

Amy:See? When you do good things, good things happen to good people. / I'm such a good person.

Unknown Recruiter · Amy:How would you like the chance to help lead a visibly repugnant underdog to historic victory? / You want me to join Jonah's campaign?

Congressman Ryan · Amy · Selina:I want vice president. / That's not negotiable. / Let's go. / No, I'm willing to negotiate. / What about Department of the Exterior? / Interior. / We're gonna negotiate against ourselves now, Amy?

Congressman Ryan · Amy:Ask me what's on my mind. / Fine. What's on your mind, Congressman Ryan? / I'm glad you asked, because my mind's on my money... and my money's on my mind. / Laid back.

Amy · Selina · Leon:I mean, that's like blowing a rape whistle while you're raping somebody. / Exactly. / Speak truth to powerless.

Amy:Third place was a massive win for us. Selina Meyer and Kemi Talbot can feel Jonah Ryan breathing down their necks.

Reporter · Amy:Jonah Ryan said he's been lying to everyone the whole time. Why should anyone trust him now? / Frankly, Jonah Ryan is the only candidate who's honest about his dishonesty.

Amy · Jonah Ryan:All right, Congressman Slender Man. / Don't say his name.

Amy · Jonah Ryan:especially with melanoma-loving swamp fuckers, storm-ravaged climate deniers, and deadbeat dads... and deadbeat moms. / Those are my peeps.

Amy:Jonah's anti-vaccination message is bringing together an unheard-of mix of Orthodox Jews, uneducated fringe conspiracists, and Kombucha-douching private school moms.

Amy:Amy: Streptococksucker.

Amy · Jonah:Oh, my God, you Patient IQ Zero! / You infected all those nutballs who don't believe in vaccinations! / Well, serves 'em right.

Amy:Didn't you have chicken pox as a child?! / Were you too busy bed-wetting and cutting fuck-holes in watermelons?

Dan · Amy:Hi, I'm Dan Egan, I used to work at the White House. / You barely worked at the White House.

Dan · Amy:Oh, Ames, I almost offered to help your career, then bang you and tell everybody in the office you're an unstable slut. / It's a new dress.

Amy · Beth:How long have you been taking these? / Ever since Jonah whacked me on the nose at the rally, but the pain went away in two days. / They gave me 97 pills, though, so now I've just been taking 'em for the going-away of my feelings.

Amy · Beth:So you're not pregnant. / Oh, no. Jonah and I don't want any more kids until I can get my cake pop business off the ground. And we can do genetic testing to make sure they're not born dead.

Layla · Amy:So, how was your follow-up appointment? / Less of a metal tube up my vag than this.

Jonah · Crowd · Amy:And they do-- that's just science. / But the other real killer... is diseases. / And how do these diseases get into America? / All: How? / Immigrants. / Man: Kill 'em! / Yeah-- Well, I mean, we don't have to kill all of 'em. There are some good immigrants. Beyoncé? / Ms. Brookheimer, do you have anything to eat? / Um, I've got gum and Advil.

Amy · Ben · Amy:Your offer is as appealing as a Sriracha enema. So, fuck your offer, and fuck you. / It's always good to see ya, Amy. / You, too. I miss you guys.

Unknown · Amy:The suspect in the JFK bombing is one Mr. Abdul Azeem, a high school mathematics teacher whose Facebook page is all about radical Islam and trigonometry. / So are a lot of people's.

Amy · Selina staffer · Amy:Jonah was right. He was spectacularly right! And you know what that makes me, sister? / Spitty? / The campaign manager for the next President of the United States!

Amy · Selina:You can't let an embittered, vindictive, narcissistic man-child be one heartbeat away from the presidency, let alone be the president. / Amy, there's no safer place to stick Jonah Ryan in all of Washington, D.C. Being vice president is like being declawed, defanged, neutered, ball-gagged, and sealed in an abandoned coal mine under two miles of human shit! It is a fate worse than death.

Selina · Amy · Selina · Amy · Selina · Amy · Amy · Amy:Congratulations to you, Amy! / Thank you! / You're gonna be Jonah's chief of staff. / Huh? / I don't like the way you talked to me the other day. / Uh-huh. / Yeah. Yeah. / Yes!

Dan · Amy · Dan/Amy:We didn't have kids. Best decision we ever made. / Best. Best. / Our greyhounds are our kids.

Amy · Dan · Dan:Dan. / I think the last time I saw you, your wife was being born. / 2019, yeah.

Dan · Amy · Dan · Amy:How long's it been, Ames? / Dan. / I think the last time I saw you, your wife was being born. / 2019, yeah.