Baseball

Staffer:'Food-nomenal. Really. It really is.' — staffer sincerely complimenting Chick-fil-A to the VP

Staffer:'My bladder was like a fuckin' blimp.'

Selina:'If you ever want me to confess, don't rip out my fingernails, just make me eat like a vegan for a fuckin' week.'

Selina:'Yeah, feel my soul slide out of my ass.'

Selina:'This smells like the inside of a taxi cab.' — Selina about the healthy food

Selina:'Orgasmic's more like it, right?'

Bystander:'I'll have some of what you're having.' — bystander response to Selina's 'orgasmic' comment

Gary · Amy:Gary's dad would 'rather me work here' — 'In catering?' / 'No, a baseball stadium.'

Amy · Gary:'I meant for him.' — Amy's response after Gary says it must be tough that his dad doesn't respect him

Selina · Amy:Selina complaining about Ken the photographer's small, touchy hands and comparing him to Penthouse

Selina:'Someone needs to tell him that he's working with the White House and not Penthouse.' — Selina about Ken the photographer's constant touching

Amy:'You stole a car?' — Amy's guess at what Selina's big confession is

Selina:Selina's defense of her fertility: 'I could probably have unprotected sex with 30 men, one right after the other, and it would be totally fine.'

Selina:'I mean, no, it wouldn't be totally fine. I mean, that would be a horrible thing.'

Amy:Amy: 'an unwed mother one aneurism away from the presidency? How do you think that plays?'

Gary · Amy:Gary's bag has 'one big storage area and then 60 separate pockets' — the pocket quiz

Selina:'Unless we go on some sort of special vacation to Mexico and... kill the doctor in the desert.'

Amy · Selina:'Father know? / What, are you kidding me? What am I, 15?'

Ken · Selina:Ken's aggressive 1D camera bragging: 'I have a 1D. It's more expensive, but it's a really nice camera.'

Dan:'Business card bukkake'

Dan:'Razor blades, a large amount of pain killers.' — Dan suggests Selina's stadium purchases

Jonah:'One day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna find your lungs have turned to pastry.'

Mike:'If it is, the best thing for her legacy is if she's assassinated before she starts showing.'

Mike:'Okay. I'll guess I'll just add this to the press release. People can start taking bets.'

Amy:'It's gonna knock the socks off of some seven-year-olds.' — Amy's sign-off after the pregnancy conversation

Gary:Gary on the phone with his dad: 'Listen, the veep and I are gonna have our photo taken with the Orioles players... Shit, yeah. Shit, yeah.'

Dan:'Are you pregnant? Amy, come on, career-wise, that's like joining Scientology or getting a fucking neck tattoo.'

Dan:'Lion King DVD and two shots of ritalin.'

Dan:'I'd be the obvious choice for your replacement.' — Dan's first thought about Selina's pregnancy

Dan:'No. My first thought was, "there goes your figure," but I didn't say that because I thought it would be upsetting.'

Amy:'Thanks. You know, if it's a boy, maybe I'll name him after you. Call him fuck weasel.'

Selina:'Amy's practically having a baby about it.' — Selina's accidental pregnancy reference in front of officials

Dan · Child · Amy:Dan networking with an eight-year-old: 'My dad works in the state department. / Really? What position? / Trade policy executive. / So he knows Roger Aldrige? / Are you networking with an eight-year-old? / Yeah.'

Mike:Mike at the press briefing: 'I'd like to free that boy from the prison of obesity'

Mike:The secret service agent fired for smiling — cologne excuse: 'It was Paco Rabanne. I mean, this is not the '80s anymore, right?'

Mike:'Nobody wears that stuff. Sean might. You'd probably rather drink it, though. Right, Sean?'

Leon West:Okay, every which way but douche, I want you to answer my question now.

Leon:'Okay, every which way but douche, I want you to answer my question now.'

Mike:'I believe, ahem, you asked a boring question, Leon, and I gave a boring answer. That's like carbon offsetting.'

Mike:'You're calling the vice president repugnant? That's a very emotive term, sir, and a little prissy, I might add.'

Leon:'I spent a night in jail when I was 19 once. That was more fun than this.'

Selina:'Well, if we get trapped here another minute, I'm gonna kill you and eat you, because I will not eat another fuckin' falafel.'

Selina:'Hey, Jimmy fuckin' Olsen, get lost before I shove that thing up your ass and give you another kind of red eye to worry about.'

Selina:Hey, Jimmy fuckin' Olsen, get lost before I shove that thing up your ass and give you another kind of red eye to worry about.

Selina · Gary:'Could you lip-read earlier when I was talking about you to Amy? / No. / Oh, that's too bad. It was all good.'

Selina · Gary:Could you lip-read earlier when I was talking about you to Amy? / No. / Oh, that's too bad. It was all good.

Mike · Amy:Mike's pen cap — 'Can I get the pen cap, too? This came with a pen cap. / The pen cap. Where was the pen... in your mouth? Did you put it in your mouth?'

Selina:Selina trying not to move her lips while Amy relays pregnancy news: 'Ugh, I can't move my lips.'

Gary:Gary's baby fantasy: 'I can carry the baby around in a little sling or something like that.'

Dan:'Is Jonah the dad? Is that why you look like you wanna drink a bottle of Drano?'

Dan:'I don't blame you. That's gonna be a long labor. They're gonna be pulling that kid out of you in shifts.'

Selina · Jonah:Selina's baseball ignorance — 'all three players are starting pitchers': 'You don't have multiple starting pitchers. There's one pitcher's mound. You see one mound or three mounds?'

Gary:Gary on the phone with his dad: 'I'm with the team... my playas. Boom shaka laka. That's how they talk.'

Gary · Pharmacist:Gary buying all the pregnancy tests — pharmacy worker: 'I hope you get the result you're looking for.' / Gary: 'No, it's not for me. It's my sister.'

Pharmacist:Gary in the pharmacy: 'I'd hold off on the maternity underwear.'

Gary:Isn't this nice how the lettering works on these... on these tops?

Selina:'No, it's not impossible. I'm not that old. / All right, you over that bombshell? Because that bombshell just gave birth to a bigger bombshell.'

Selina:'You proposed by giving me some sort of a ring in a heart-shaped, fuckin' oyster thing or something.'

Selina:You proposed by giving me some sort of a ring in a heart-shaped, fuckin' oyster thing or something.

Selina:'You know, the key is in the details, though, Ted.'

Selina:'I don't know how fucking big my finger is, Ted! Just be a man, stand up, get the fuckin' ring, all right?'

Ken:Ken overhears the engagement and immediately offers congratulations: 'I just... you're getting married. I wanted to be the first one to offer my congratulations.'

Selina:'Read my lips... Don't read my lips.'

Selina:Selina meets Jim Palmer (baseball legend): 'Oh, yes, that is a wonderful thing to be in... in the hall of fame, for sure.'

Dan:'My guitar is for seduction, not crowd control, all right? Granted, on a good night that's one and the same, but still.'

Leon:Leon in the school: 'She's here yet? No. Of course not, because she hates punctuality almost as much as good governance.'

Dan:Dan playing 'Frère Jacques' on guitar for children while crisis unfolds around him

Selina · Sue:Sue and the fake engagement backstory: 'Children of Courage Awards — Would he have proposed then? / No, no, uh-uh. That's kids with alopecia, their mothers are on crack... that's a complete freak show.'

Selina · Sue:Ted proposed to me about six to eight weeks ago, okay? / Oh, congratulations, ma'am. / No, no, no, he didn't really. We're just gonna pretend that he did.

Dan:Dan's guitar lesson for kids: 'You'll figure that out when you get older.' — referring to the mood of minor seventh chords

Child:Child's review of Dan's guitar performance: 'No.'

Dan:Dan's response to the child: 'Hear that? No fun. You are no fun.'

Selina:'Leon West is here. Oh, great. Now all we need are my parents on Skype.'

Amy:'We're gonna have more tests than you have pee.'

Selina · Amy:'Oh, we're gonna have Gary do the tests. / How will that work? / No, not with his pee, Amy.'

Selina:'Or a suicide. I haven't decided which.' — Selina on her options regarding the pregnancy

Selina · School staff:Selina asking for water in a paper cup and getting a large plastic cup: 'This is... okay, it's in a plastic, clear... / It'll be fine. / It'll be fine.'

Sue:Sue: 'How should I know? / You think that as a woman I might sense some disturbance in the fuckin' "lady matrix"?'

Ken:Ken asking to be Photoshopped into the Orioles photo: 'Ethically, no. I document. I don't invent. Do it yourself.'

Dan:'The guy's like gay porn... He's everywhere.' — about Leon West

Mike · Amy · Selina:The 'repugnant vs. pregnant' misunderstanding — 'I said she's repugnant. I said Selina's repugnant. / What? Why am I repugnant?'

Mike · Selina · Amy:Ma'am, if we just table this... I think we should just knock off the kid thing. / Lower that. / We need to get this over with.

Selina:So pleased to be shaking your hand right at this moment.

Selina:Selina apologizing for being late to the children: 'I have never meant those words more.'

Selina · Children:But I had to hang out with a bunch of boring grown-ups. / Boo! / Boo! / Boo!

Gary:Gary on the phone with dad while children sing: 'You're right, I do do a proper man's job.'

Gary:Gary's call: 'You're right, I do do a proper man's job.' — closing his father's storyline while 'If You're Happy and You Know It' plays in the background

Unidentified character:'You're very, very pregnant.' — whispered during children's song

Selina:Selina's exit from the school: 'I wish I could be here all day.' — departing immediately after arriving

Staffer:Staffer's closing observation: 'Waited all day for that.'