Bloggers' nicknames for Selina become her next obsession; Dan goes on a fact-finding mission after his boss is snubbed by the president; it's make-or-break time for the clean-jobs bill.
Escalation comedy hits peak form: 62 jokes in 33 minutes, mostly character-driven jabs.
Directed by Tristram Shapeero · Written by Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci
WAR
157.9
Wins Above Replacement
“Nicknames” ranks #35 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 93.2 — Elite. The episode packs 110 scored jokes at 3.3 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.4 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Selina · Dan: Dan, did your boyfriend know anything about this? / I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence. / That's like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo. / I thought... / No, no, no. Let me be more clear. / It doesn't do the job and it makes a fucking mess!
Selina Dan Setup/Punchline Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dan: Well, careful when you go to sleep tonight, asshole. Maybe I'll sneak into your apartment with a bag of oranges and fructose you to death.
Dan Callback Dark/Subversive Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Callback Gary · Selina: Grisly Madam, She-ra, Meyer the Liar, the Batcave, Pissface. Wicked Witch of the West Wing, Veep Throat, VoldeMeyer, Dickless Van Dyke, Tawdry Hepburn, Blunder Woman, Selina Meh.
Dan: I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so fucking low-rent, you can't even be exploited.
Dan Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Selina · Gary: Viagra Prohibitor? / Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra? / No. / It means that even if a guy uses it... / It doesn't work? / They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me?
Selina Gary Escalation Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback All Jokes — 110 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Staff member (likely Mike): You know, democracy is fantastic, but it is also fucking dull.
Staff member: Oh, my God. Is she falling asleep? No, she cannot fall asleep on live TV. Not on C-SPAN. The irony would be too huge.
Staff member: Are you really waving? She cannot see you through the TV. Most of us learn that when we're four.
Staff members: We can call her. The vibrations will wake her up. / No, she's not gonna fall asleep.
Staff member: Whoa, head jerk. Just head jerked.
Selina · Mike: Am I sure? / Okay, I'm sorry. Okay, of course you did. Of course. Please, stop staring at me like that.
Mike · Selina: Undressing me with your eyes. / I'm adding more clothes, Mike.
Mike Selina Setup/Punchline Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Mike: Speaking of spacesuits, I met Buzz Aldrin at a book signing. You know what really freaks those guys out? Seeing 17 dawns in a matter of 24 hours.
Mike Character Comedy Absurdist Selina · Sue: How about if you scroll up? / That's the past, ma'am.
Selina Sue Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Mike: Probably sending photos of his dick to himself.
Mike Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Mike: Firefighters have a passion for their work. Arsonists just have a burning desire.
Mike Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Selina · Mike: Is that even a joke? / Yeah, it's a word play or a parody.
Mike: Ladders, obviously germane to the firefighting business. You go, 'firefighters are always climbing ladders and in politics you're always...' and this, I don't even know what I wrote, but it's basically you're taking steps to get somewhere but without a ladder...
Mike Character Comedy Escalation Mike: Too shock? Too shock?
Mike Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Selina: Okay, having a massive stroke is an excuse for coming in late to this office. Having sex is absolutely not, Dan.
Selina Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dan: Quite right, ma'am. Although, in my defense, I didn't even think you'd be here.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Gary · Selina: Hey, ma'am, I'm right here. Can I get you something? / You got rollerblades?
Gary Selina Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: Are you kidding me? Not one of those guys has paid for their own lunch in like a decade.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Observational Selina: I was breathing really heavily, though. You don't think anyone noticed that, do you?
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Selina · staff: Bob Lewis has got emphysema. Sounds like a broken-down leaf blower. He does. That is an actually uncanny impression of him.
Jonah · Selina · Amy: I'm fructose intolerant. / Fructose? / Fruit sugars. / It's very rare. / Oh. / Well, good luck with all that.
Amy · Selina: Just when you thought he couldn't get any weirder, He did.
Dan: Maybe he's just flakey like Gary's feet.
Dan Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Dan Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Gary · Selina: I wouldn't search on your name or your nicknames, really. / My nicknames? Gary, what are my nicknames?
Gary · Selina: Grisly Madam, She-ra, Meyer the Liar, the Batcave, Pissface. Wicked Witch of the West Wing, Veep Throat, VoldeMeyer, Dickless Van Dyke, Tawdry Hepburn, Blunder Woman, Selina Meh.
Gary: Vaselina, Betty Poop.
Gary Wordplay/Pun Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Gary: People attack you because they think you're beautiful and you're smart. You got the most nicknames when you were on the cover of Vogue.
Gary Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Gary · Selina: They called you Goofy Smile. / Let's not get into it.
Amy · Dan: Hmm, bummer. Looks like your girlfriend didn't get the chief of staff job with the speaker. Guess I don't have to buy a hat now. / Hat? Oh, wedding? / No.
Amy Dan Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Dan · Amy: I was deliberately late for work because I wanted her to believe that she was more important to me than my job. She fall for that? / I doubt it. But it's the thought that counts. She appreciates the gesture of me trying to trick her into believing that. / That is so romantic.
Dan Amy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Amy: Which strategically useful young woman will get to witness your two-hour morning skin care regime?
Amy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jonah · Joe: Not a single frill. / When they bring out the bread, you check it out. It is a fuckload of bread.
Jonah: Oh, no. No way, dude. Fructose.
Jonah Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Dan: I got a cock like a cappuccino frother. One of the big ones. The industrial ones, not the little ones.
Dan Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Joe: Yup, that's a regular granary gangbang.
Joe Escalation Dark/Subversive Callback Joe · Dan: Max Geldray knows shit about shit. The only intel he has is on his fucking PC. / Intel, that's a brand of microprocessor. / Strong joke.
Joe Dan Wordplay/Pun Deadpan/Understatement Joe: Senator Macauley, he'd sponsor that bill in a heartbeat. He's got a big veiny boner for it.
Joe Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Joe · Dan: Oh, shit. They need me back at the west wing like now. / What, did we declare war? / No, it's worse. / Interactive tourist section of the website is down.
Joe Dan Setup/Punchline Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Joe · Dan: Hey, there's this extreme metal band playing over at Labyrinth's tonight. Just real fucked up noise. They don't even have a name. / You want to check it out? / Yeah, man. Let's go catch some decibels. You cut me, I bleed metal.
Joe Dan Character Comedy Absurdist Waiter · Dan: And what would you like? / To eat at a different fucking restaurant.
Waiter Dan Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: Yeah, I mean, firefighters are used to seeing people die, Amy, but not like that.
Selina Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Callback Dan: I think we should just fine the fuckers till the fuckers aren't fine.
Dan Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina · Amy · Dan: That was totally inappropriate. / Inappropriate. / Inappropriate.
Selina: He's not supposed to register emotion. He's supposed to be like a robot geisha.
Selina Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Gary · Selina: Oh, I got my first zumba class tonight. / Oh. Neat. / I'm excited.
Selina · Gary: Would you do me a favor? Could you go and pick up some of those takeout crab cakes from Levin's? / I love those. / Yeah. / That wouldn't spoil your plans, would it? / No, ma'am.
Gary: Vaguely Personable. Viagra Prohibitor. Visible Panties.
Gary Wordplay/Pun Escalation Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Gary: Viagra Prohibitor? / Why, because when a guy's with me he doesn't need viagra? / No. / It means that even if a guy uses it... / It doesn't work? / They are saying that a prescription medication that is supposed to guarantee a strong and sustained erection in all men despite their age or their health is rendered ineffective by me?
Selina Gary Escalation Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Gary · Selina: Wait, what about V-Pilf? / No, Gary. / That's flattering. You know what that means? / Vice President I Would Like to, you know, fool around with. / Fuck. / Okay.
Joe · Dan: Ah! This is fucking primordial. / You know what? You can't find these guys on fucking iTunes. / 'Cause they don't have a name? / 'Cause they're not for fucking sale.
Joe Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Joe: This is fucking like being operated on by a chimp with a hard-on and a hacksaw. Radical stuff.
Joe Character Comedy Absurdist Dan: That's exactly how I feel about the clean jobs legislation.
Dan Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Callback Joe: I'm sweating all my minerals into my shorts here. Get some fucking nuts!
Joe Character Comedy Absurdist Amy: Dan is a great choice. He is already a huge advocate of the devil's.
Amy Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Amy: Potus needs some successes right now. He doesn't fix the economy soon, NASA's gonna have to build him an escape pod.
Amy Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive Amy · Selina: Don't say, 'if I were President.' / It's the VP bear trap.
Selina: I won't say it. I'll just think it.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Amy · Selina: Yeah, bats and Alzheimer's. / Yeah, well remembered. Sidney Purcell.
Amy Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Sidney Purcell: Speaking of children, I've got to go. Catherine is waiting to Skype with me.
Sidney Purcell: I wanted to tell you if you think this bill of yours is gonna go the distance, than you must be even stupider than I think you are. And I should tell you, I think you're borderline developmentally disabled.
Sidney Purcell: This bill is a fucking disgrace and I'm gonna see to it personally that it gets chewed up like a dead prostitute in a wood chipper.
Sidney Purcell: Just wanted to let you know.
Selina · Mike · Dan: You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? / Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night. / Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.
Dan: This is class genocide. / This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night.
Dan Character Comedy Escalation Dan: Remember that name. No one will want to call their child by that name. There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.
Dan Escalation Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina · Amy · others: Wow. / Oh, my God, Dan. / No more Selinas? / Okay. / Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you.
Mike · Selina: My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it... / All right, good job, dummy. Sit down.
Mike Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Sue/Amy · Amy: It's on. / No! / Yeah.
Gary · Amy: Oh, Amy, I have a quick q for you to a. / Quickly, then. / In diary hierarchy, does the national resource committee meeting trump the care for children's association? / Yes. / Okay, I will kill the children.
Gary Amy Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Gary · Amy: You know what would be perfect in Paris is that pink jacket you have. / Ma'am! Ma'am! It's a fucking disaster.
Selina: What is? It could be a lot of things.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Gary · Selina: They used a nickname, ma'am, and we were not searching on it. / Which one? / Mrs. DoubtMeyer. / Well, you never mentioned that one. / Yeah, that means you're kind of slightly confused. You're oddly masculine. / It's a shitty nickname.
Gary Selina Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Oh, my God. I'd have more power in my hands if I joined one of those moronic Segway tours of D.C.
Selina Character Comedy Observational Selina · Dan: Dan, did your boyfriend know anything about this? / I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence. / That's like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo. / I thought... / No, no, no. Let me be more clear. / It doesn't do the job and it makes a fucking mess!
Selina Dan Setup/Punchline Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: Get out of my office.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat Selina · Gary: Gary! / Yes, ma'am? Yes, ma'am? / I need something. / Okay, is there anything specific? / I don't fucking know. I just need something.
Selina: Remind me never to get trapped inside a burning building with you, Mike.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: What is this? 'Eat, Pray, fucking Love'?
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Gary · Selina: Ma'am, I got you a little bit of ice cream. I thought that might be just what you wanted. / That is just exactly what I wanted.
Jonah · Dan: I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't because I didn't know if you already knew, but my loyalty is with potus. / Bullshit. You didn't know he was gonna roll over on clean jobs. / Dan, I had a fucking idea.
Dan · Jonah: You know what, Jonah? I don't think that we should see each other anymore. / Come on. / Sorry. / So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to potus as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore? / What I'm saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon.
Dan Jonah Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Dan: I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so fucking low-rent, you can't even be exploited.
Dan Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Dan: Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a fuckload is not a nice restaurant.
Dan Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Dan · Joe: Where is the bread at this place, asshole? / And you, you upstate New York dickshit... / Watch it. / Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York. You guys think you're fucking New York, but you're not.
Dan Joe Character Comedy Escalation Dan · Joe · Jonah: You with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. / I don't like you, Dan. / Really? I think you do. I think you're a little sweet on me, Jonah. That's why you're so upset.
Dan: Well, careful when you go to sleep tonight, asshole. Maybe I'll sneak into your apartment with a bag of oranges and fructose you to death.
Dan Callback Dark/Subversive Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Hey, we should send potus a postcard from Paris. What's French for 'shove it up your ass'?
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Gary · Selina: God, Parisian women really intimidate me. / Why? / I don't know. They're so Parisian.
Gary · Selina: You're as stylish as any Parisian woman. / Oh, thank you. / Oh, so are you. / Thank you. / That took too long, didn't it?
Gary Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Selina · Amy · Gary · Sue: We can't go to Paris. / Shit. / No, whoa, whoa. We got all those tours lined up. / They're anticipating another tied vote in the Senate. / You need to head back to preside again. / It's gavel time. / What bill is it? / That was a play on 'it's hammer time.' / I know. What bill is it?
Selina · Amy: No. No. It's the Macauley amendment? / Yeah. It's the meat of clean jobs. / Which way are you gonna vote? / The way that my principles and conscience tell me to go. / Okay. / Which way do you think that should be?
Selina Amy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Selina · Amy · Dan: So you are actually saying that you want me to destroy the policy that you and I have been working on for months, actually years if you think about it, Amy? / Yes. / Wow. / All right, let me get this straight. So you, Dan, who are absolutely against this policy, don't say otherwise, you want me to vote for it. And you, Amy, who love this policy, you want me to vote against it. Yeah? / This is some weird ass 'through the looking glass' shit right now.
Amy · Dan: Vote against. / Vote for.
Amy Dan Escalation Reaction Beat Callback Amy · Dan: You got Macauley to add this amendment, didn't you? I know you did. / Macauley is his own man.
Amy Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Amy: If you did this, you went against Selina's explicit orders and you have put this entire office into a salad spinner of fuck.
Amy Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Amy: What, are you checking your fantasy fucking football scores?
Amy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina · Amy: Is this what I came into politics to do, Amy? / It's a rhetorical question. / Obviously I didn't come into politics to do this.
Amy · Selina: On a happy note, we reassigned the smiling secret service guy. / Mmm. / It's one less grinning idiot with a gun you have to worry about.
Jonah · Selina: Sorry to disturb you, ma'am. / And yet you are disturbing me.
Jonah Selina Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina · Jonah: No, no, no, no, no. You do not do this to me. Do not say that it is obesity. Do not say that to me. / It's obesity.
Jonah: I'm sorry, ma'am, but you have drawn the fat straw.
Jonah Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Selina: Okay, it's your bedtime. Get out of my office.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Selina: I had to pull the plug on clean jobs, I'm about to go to France, and now he gives me obesity.
Selina Character Comedy Escalation Selina: The President knows how uncomfortable I am made... by fat people.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: You want to know the secret to keeping weight off? Shut your fucking pie hole. How about that? It's not rocket science.
Selina Character Comedy Observational Selina: You don't masturbate in the subway, do you, Amy? No, you don't. Do you shit in the street, Amy? No, of course you don't. Because you've gotten ahold of yourself.
Selina Character Comedy Escalation Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: 'I'm the Vice President of the United States. Put the cupcake down.' That's now my job?
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina · Amy: Oh, for fuck's sake. / Have you ever had a weight problem? / Yeah, I have.
Selina Amy Reaction Beat Character Comedy ★ Rewatch