Chung

Selina:Because it's better than watching Gary drip that fucking noodle juice down his chin.

Selina:God, I'm gonna snort a line of tzatziki and go.

Selina:I am so mired in filibuster reform, I've got no conversation.

Amy · Chung:Dan only climbs up ladders. / Yes, but sometimes you have to go down to go up.

Chung:I'll be on 'Face the Nation.' But everyone will be watching her, so I guess I can just wing it.

Chung:I'd better be going around myself, make sure everyone gets to touch the hem of my garment.

Dan · Amy:Dan stealing the maxim: 'because he who speaks in maxims...' / [beat] 'Can sound wise.'

Dan:This is good. This is like cornbread.

Senator Doyle · Amy · Dan:Hello, children. / Hello, senator. / You looking for some fresh backs to stab?

Senator Doyle:Why don't you try working an iPad with your dick?

Amy:No, he's already got carpal tunnel in that area.

Senator Doyle:Oh, is that what they call it still with two oil guys on it? Wow, you're gonna have to buy a lot of spray cans to paint that turd gold.

Selina:Who uses withdraw as a fuckin' verb besides Catholics and butlers? Maybe the Israeli military every once in a while.

Dan:You gotta network to get work, baby. All right? Chung for change.

Gary:You could talk about how you always get a sweaty upper lip underneath studio lights. That shows you're normal.

Mike · Selina · Gary:Madam vice president, how are your Ravens doing this year? / My Ravens are gold and I'll tell you why. / Beer makes me so gassy. / You can talk about that... about how it always bloats you, beer.

Selina:Did he do this thing where you don't know if you're supposed to hug him or crucify him? Which, by the way, makes me wanna crucify him.

Sue · Selina:'To vice president Salina Meyer'... with an 'a'... 'from an admiring wannabe.' / What an e-hole.

Amy · Selina:Plus, he doesn't wanna look like he made a massive error picking you. / Well, that was lovely.

Amy:I meant good stuck, like if your marriage lasts or whatever.

Selina:Selina's beat of silence, then: 'Although, if those wheels are in motion anyway...' — ordering the Chung file she just told Amy not to make.

Selina · Gary:You know what I'm sick of? That stupid story of Chung supposedly pulling some guy out of a burning tank. Come on, why do guys in the army get a medal for doing their job? / The guy still had severe burns. / If anything, Chung was too late.

Mike · Sue:Whoa, whoa. Your desk is in the back. / This is neutral territory. / Yep. So I'm claiming it.

Sue · Mike:Sue, would you like to tell him about the encroachment rules? / Do I look like a kindergarten teacher to you, Mike? / [beat] Actually, yes.

Sue:As what, a pantry?

Jonah · Dan:Look who it is, everybody! It's your favorite Jonah. / You're not even your mom's favorite Jonah, Jonah.

Selina · Jonah:Does he want to operate me by remote control? / No. That's not technologically possible.

Selina · Jonah:In spite of your preface, I did not detect a whole lot of respect in that question. / You know, I meant that more as a slight against the power of recollection of the electorate and not as an attack on the potency of your campaign.

Selina · Amy:Well, why didn't you say that, then? / Oh, because you have the social skills of someone who was raised by wolves.

Jonah:God, I love saying that. [re: 'I gotta get back to the White House']

Selina:He is really a great man, but he is busting my fuckin' lady balls here.

Selina:And pump up China? Is that some sort of dig about Chung?

Mike:My zipper on my Leviathan broke, so I had to drive around trying to find a replacement.

Selina · Amy · Gary:You know what I did? I went to bed at 7:00 P.M. on a Saturday night. / Even people who are dying of malaria stay up later than that. / Well, they can't sleep because they're coughing.

Ted · Selina:Hearing you say that gives me a massive hard-on. / Oh. I am the vice president.

Ted · Selina:I'm ready to launch. / And I'm ready to eat you up. / Oh, second breakfast. / I didn't know you had it in you. / Oh God. Oh, I want it in me.

Mike:Just visualizing you kicking ass on 'Meet the Press.' [beat — Mike is visibly exhausted]

Selina:Why are you so tired? You don't do anything.

Amy:He was born back in China before his dad got his citizenship, so he can't be president or vice president.

Mike · Selina:David Gregory is ill. Sam Finnegan is the fill-in. / Ho ho, a virgin.

Selina:Oh, God, I'm gonna eat him up. [then beat] What?

Selina · Mike · Gary:I know that I'm a Ravens fan, but, like, what if Finnegan is a Ravens fan, too? / A team can't play itself, can it? / You can in video games.

Selina:In order to reform, you have to perform.

Gary · Amy:She got the filibuster in! [staff celebration]

Jonah:Hello, penis enlargement clinic.

Jonah · Mike:Mike, who is incompetent, you or her? Because she just talked about filibuster reform. / He asked her.

Mike · Amy:That's lip sweat. / That's shimmer.

Selina:We're not nervous at all. With Flacco... forget about it.

Selina:Ray Rice, Ray Rice, Ray... / Well, he, uh... Ray Rice, he play nice.

Interviewer · Selina:Will you be watching Danny Chung on 'Face the Nation'? / Uh, you know, I would, but I've got a game of solitaire going on, so I think I'll give that a skip.

Selina:Well, I'd be surprised because technically he's not an American. I mean, because he wasn't, um, born here, you know, not because he's half Chine— You know, 'cause his parents...

Selina · Mike · Selina:Listen, they wouldn't have recorded that, right? / I had the mic on, but I don't think it was hot. / Do you think that it was on?

Selina · Gary · Amy:Gary, just give it a light touch. No import to it. / What does that mean? / Just talk to him like working guy to working guy. / Got it. Mano a mano. / Oh, Jesus Christ.

Amy:Even in Spanish, you know, it doesn't sound like it's gonna work.

Sound Guy:Listen, working girl.

Sound Guy:Yeah. I didn't hear any glitches. All I heard was the sound of a fuckup, okay?

Mike:He just went from a smiley guy to a frowny guy.

Sue:I heard about it, Dan, so it sort of is out there out there. / That's why I'm in here in here, Dan.

Dan:You don't wanna give a loaded gun to that walking silo.

Jonah · Selina · Team:Bad news, everyone. [pause] A crane has collapsed onto a ship at Portsmouth, Virginia. / Oh, thank... / God, how horrible. / Wait, what was out of context?

Mike:Oh, Jonah, that's a good look for you. What do you call that? Bi-casual?

Jonah:Thanks, Mike, but it's Sunday. I work hard, I work fast, and I get hot legs. I say let the whale hang loose. Who am I offending?

Amy · Dan:Just confirmed... Two fatalities, 24 injured so far. / I didn't mean it like that.

Dan:Do you have something that can fit the McClintock shape that's not a Santa suit?

Selina:We're going to a hospital. We're not going trick or treating.

Gary · Selina:Ma'am, I don't know if all these people are bereaving, so just converse generally, okay? / Converse generally? What about? The weather? / Not about the weather. / It is unseasonably warm, though, okay?

Selina:Oh, my goodness, you got so hurt. / Well, it's a great hospital, isn't it? / Oh, dear, look at your neck. / Hi, sir. Don't turn your head.

Selina · Patient:I'll give you a little squeeze on your hand. / Well, you seem just fine. / I'm not really. / Internal. Hmm.

Selina · Gary:One minute, you're enjoying this amazing sunshine... / Well, it's unseasonably warm.

Selina:Okay, guys, I got a little sound bite for y'all to nibble on right here.

Selina:And I'd also like to say if, for some reason, we find out that there was negligence that caused this accident, those who are responsible are gonna have the White House to answer to.

Bystanders:They're taking over our ports. It's like they've invaded us. / Yeah, and now they think they can be president? / No way! Come on, this is the White House, not the Yellow House.

Selina · Gary:Gary, the belt can wait. / Let's just put it this way... what I was trying to say was... Jesus Christ! / Oh, my God! / Oh! / Gary, that was my fucking flesh that you just... / Hello? / ...trapped in there.

Amy:I had more windows in my first apartment than the V.P. currently has in her schedule.

Amy · Dan:Something Amy said at Chung's book launch. / He was still upset about clean jobs, which is on you, Dan, because you put Sidney Purcell on the task force. / Oh, sure! You know what? I blame George Washington. If he hadn't started this whole form of government, then we wouldn't...

Dan:Oh, sure! You know what? I blame George Washington. If he hadn't started this whole form of government, then we wouldn't...

Selina:I'm the vice president of the United States, you stupid little fuckers! These people should be begging me! That door should be half its height so that people can only approach me in my office on their goddamn, motherfucking knees.

Mike:You want to break out the white, pointy hoods, too, ma'am?

Mike · Amy · Dan:Once you go down that dark country road, the lights go out and the scarecrows come to life. / Yeah, anyone hear the banjo music? / Look, Mike, that's what you always hear because mentally you're in a fuckin' hammock on a back porch.

Selina:The one who wants to random search people in ponchos?

Selina:Is McCaulay the one with the nose hair problem like he's got two raccoons in his nostrils?

Selina · Dan:What did Scott use as a research tool, the fuckin' Drudge Report? / That and bathroom walls.

Chung (on TV) · Selina · Amy:I've got a purple heart on my chest, but the one that beats inside of me is red, white, and blue. / No, he didn't. He didn't say that. / He is seizing his moment.

Selina:I am gonna throw up a leg. And then I'm gonna take that leg and I'm gonna beat Scott to death with it.

Senator O'Brien · Amy:Shouldn't that be chiefess? / Relax, missy. I'm just yanking your chain.

O'Brien · Dan:Before we do any ordering, I'd like to know if you're going to offend us with some chickenshit deal that means we have to leave before the food comes. / You're fine to order.

Amy · Dan:I feel so horrible. You know, it's like I've ordered a hit on somebody. I'm just waiting for the call to say that it's done. / [phone rings] It's done.

O'Brien:Up here on the eastern seaboard, it's easy to forget what a big slice of our country rubs shoulders with a failed state by the name of Mexico. / Now, if you had bad neighbors who came into your yard every night to crap a buttful of drugs and beans on your flowers, you might think about building a fence.

O'Brien:Up here on the eastern seaboard, it's easy to forget what a big slice of our country rubs shoulders with a failed state by the name of Mexico.

Dan · O'Brien · Amy:You're talking about a 3,000-mile-long fence. / Great for the construction industry. / Yeah, but ironically, the only affordable option would be immigrant labor.

Amy · O'Brien:Fellas, we shouldn't have a problem working to preserve a certain kind of American identity. / Now you keep talking like that, sweetheart, and we'll be having cigars at the end of this dinner. / Just not Cuban ones.

Ted · Selina:It's about seven inches, hangs between my legs... / The thing. / I like to call him sergeant Ted.

Ted · Selina:I like to call him sergeant Ted. / Okay, well, you tell sergeant Ted I would like him very much to drill me in my oval office.

Selina:I need him to put the finger on the button and come into my rose garden.

Ted · Selina:Uh, you know, when you come over, can you try and sneak in incognito? I got Korean neighbors and I don't think they'd like the idea of me dating you. / Is that some kind of a joke or something? / It's not funny at all. Fuck off, Ted.

Gary · Selina:You were... you were on the phone? / Mm-hmm. / Oh, I didn't hear anything. / You better not have heard anything.

Gary · Selina:You were... you were on the phone? / Mm-hmm. / Oh, I didn't hear anything. / You better not have heard anything. / I didn't say anything. / Oh, my God.

Jonah:Oh, the hot pants picked up some negative traction. I realize now they're unbecoming of my office.

Selina:Yeah. It's all fine and dandy and fabulous.

Jonah:I got the latest Grisham on the go and it's just awesome. You should read...

O'Brien:If you can deliver that, I will appear to love filibuster reform as much as I appear to love my idiot son. And for my wife's sake, I appear to love that wretched shit a lot.

O'Brien:Good to see you guys could learn a new word today... compromise. / What do you say? Meet me halfway?

Amy · Dan:[Amy and Dan sit in exhausted silence after the dinner]

Dan · Amy:You've gone up 10 levels in my estimation, by the way. / Which means I've gone down 100 in my own.

Amy:Sometimes you have to go down to go up.

Dan · Sue:It is me who tells Selina the good news. / Where is the vice president? / She has gone home for the evening. / Why? / Something about 'getting fucked every which way.' Direct quote.

Gary:Oh, God, yeah. I heard something on the phone. Oh, God. How many times can she be underneath that? She's got such a little body and he seemed like a big man.

Mike · Dan:Hey, hey, somebody talk about something else? Anything. / Yeah, I gotta get these images out of my head. Can we talk about... I don't know... our favorite band or something, please?

Amy · Mike · Dan:Yes. Who else are you into, Mike, apart from the Eagles? / Uh, grateful dead. / Oh, that's the name of your favorite whorehouse, too, right?

Mike · Sue:Ugh, can't wait to get home and burn my clothes. / Don't fuck up that suit, Mike.

Sue:Dan, you have about 10 seconds to stop distracting me, or the next thing that they'll find at the back of that couch are your remains.

Dan · Sue:If you like, I can go sit in the vice president's office. / Excuse me?