Catherine

Selina · Gary:stupid fucking midget. / clearly he hasn't heard you sing.

Gary:or should i say canine-didates?

Selina:no, you shouldn't say that.

Selina:a terrier is a diva dog. forget it. i don't need a ball of yappy hair shitting its body weight every 30 minutes.

Selina:i feel like a bad mom, you know? 'cause i never let catherine get a dog when she was little. this is a fresh start for us. it's parental ground zero.

Selina:simon? what an unbelievable name.

Amy:to drink or applied directly to the coat?

Mike:leave my fake dog alone.

Selina · Staff:maybe we should get a rescue dog 'cause it'll play great. as long as it's not one of those animals with three legs and a wheel. four legs good; three legs bad.

Jonah:i'm sure he wouldn't miss it for the world if it weren't for the fact that he runs the world.

Jonah:i'm sure his absence has nothing to do with your rift with the first lady.

Selina:she'd be a rough fighter, though. she's got big shoulders. those aren't pads.

Selina:be careful your ears don't pop on the way down.

Amy · Selina:i was gonna say eva peron. yeah, i prefer that comparison. less of a mustache.

Amy:does it get used in a clumsy and unpleasant analogy by you?

Selina:i'm like the last guy in a human centipede with this.

Dan:and there it is. [reaction beat to Human Centipede line]

Selina:he was rapey reeves. when was that guy ever respectful?

Selina · Staff:does that exist, hurricane selina? i'm binging it.

Staff:selina is on next year's list of hurricanes. what if it hits and we get headlines saying 'selina causing large-scale devastation'?

Selina:really, amy? 'cause i've met some people, okay? real people, and i've got to tell you, a lot of them are fucking idiots.

Selina:did you know old grandpa fumblepants couldn't even swim? he would just hang out in the shallow end and stare.

Selina · Staff:you know what his favorite stroke was? was it dick stroke? it was dick stroke.

Gary · Selina:f.y.i., ma'am, the president is not calling. / f.y.i., gary, no shit.

Amy:you are like a... earlobe — you're just there, just wobbling.

Doyle:i imagine that i would mix ape shit with bat shit, raise it to a whole new level of fury, then i'd probably rip your face off and use your eye sockets as a sex toy.

Mike:it's just a hypothetical like yours.

Selina · Doyle · Dan:chuck's oily, but he's not evil oily. he's ex-oil. / noa hollow horse. that's a trojan horse. / he'd be a hollow trojan horse, sir.

Senator Hallowes:listen, while you take your fake phone call, is it okay if i steal dan for a second? or should i say steal dan back?

Selina · Staff:you know who's a fucking diva? that's a fucking diva. / that one.

Catherine:you know, except for the whole secret service detail, i think i'm actually starting to blend in.

Selina · Gary:you dumped my daughter by text and didn't even apologize. / oh, no, i did. i signed off with colon open brackets.

Hallowes:do you know what these oil wise guys call him? they call him 'who the fuck is chuck furnham?'

Selina · Chuck:i have some vice presidential m&ms that i would love for them to have. you see the seal right there? except we'll need another one because there are two grandchildren. / i'm out. / you're out? / i'm out.

Jonah:your husband was a massive player. politically speaking, of course.

Jonah:i guess all those tears must be dehydrating. / i don't think it works like that. / you know, i'll just get the water, okay?

Jonah:cock-blocking widow.

Staff · Gary · Amy:is there even a name for that? / how about catch-44? / gary.

Catherine · Staff:it's really nice that my mom's getting a new dog. i always wanted a dog. / hey, catherine, you want some more coffee? / no, i'm still drinking this one.

Catherine · Staff:you know, you don't have to entertain me. i'm cool with my own thoughts. / oh, thank god.

Sidney · Amy:if you say chuck furnham, i will go into anaphylactic fucking shock. / i'm saying chuck furnham. / fucking hell!

Sidney:he's not oil. he's a fucking fossil, but he's not oil. / we need somebody who is plugged in. the only thing that chuck is plugged into is his fucking piss bag.

Amy · Mike · Selina:okay, where'd he go? / he must be in the bathroom. / that prostate of his. / get in there, mike. go. / this in no way will be demeaning.

Dan · Selina:widow walk. / people don't shout at you when you're standing next to the dead man's grieving widow.

Mrs. Reeves:now is it true that the first lady calls you creepy veepy?

Selina · Amy:i'm very excited about it. good-bye. / what are you excited about, chuck? are you the new face of louis vuitton?

Selina:i as good as announced is not announced. you are as good as dead, but you're not actually dead... not yet.

Selina:tell her that i'm cancelling the lunch that was supposed to prove there's nothing more important than catherine because something more important than catherine has come up.

Sue:that's okay, gary. i got all that.

Dan:you guys ditched me at a pervert's memorial. that's some cold shit.

Selina:come here. come, come. catherine, this is dan. he works in yo mama's office.

Selina · Dan · Catherine:so why don't you tell dan about the-- you know, the... experimental theater course? / uh, sure. yeah. you can talk to him about that. you can talk about anything. / anything. / talk, talk, talk. / now that we have the permission to talk about anything... / have you ever read faulkner before?

Selina:a rubik's cube is not impossible to solve. i saw a chinese kid do it in like 10 seconds. 10 seconds, mike.

Dan:yeah, it looks astonished. like it's attached to jumper cables or something.

Selina:what is that skirt? is it a rug?

Selina · Amy:we announce the dog. it's soft wash, breakfast news, but we tease it out. we say we're looking for a name. an ocean of ideas comes pouring in. meantime, we're buying time to figure all the other shit out. / that's kind of a great idea.

Gary:ma'am, senator doyle just arrived and he has a face like he's been stabbed in the groin.

Catherine · Selina:wait, mom, what's wrong with your face? / nothing, darling. i'm pretending to talk to you. / but we are talking.

Doyle · Selina:20 years ago, you had no power, but you had balls. / now look at you. / i have a dick and balls, okay?

Catherine:no, please. don't stop because of me. this is really interesting.

Gary · Andrew · Selina:and that's not just the high notes. / i have a recital coming up. / okay. / you could have said 'don't blow it.' / no, i'm not gonna say that.

Catherine · Dan:look at gary go. he's like a human teleprompter for small talk. / he calls this gary-oke. / it's so weird. it's like he's the horse whisperer or something. not that i think your mother's a horse.

Gary:wife, not his daughter. wife, not daughter.

Catherine:mom's smile is starting to crack. it's like her divorce face.

Jonah · Catherine:i'm jonah, by the way. i work at the west wing of the white house. / as opposed to what, the west wing of graceland?

Dan · Catherine:it's kind of an open secret in washington that mike has an imaginary dog. / why? / gets him out of staying late for work. / we call it his bullshit-tzu.

Staff · Dan:last two on the deck of the titanic, huh? / yeah, i think i might jump.

Selina:you know, i can see right through your shirt. is it designed that way?

Selina:oh, what a fistful of fucks.

Dan · Sidney:the vice president would love to have you on the clean jobs task force, but we both know that would look fucking horrible. / thank you.

Dan · Sidney Purcell:the vice president would love to have you on the clean jobs task force, but we both know that would look fucking horrible. / thank you.

Sidney:oh, really? okay, so you came over to tell me that you're disappointing the shit out of me. i didn't know that. you should have led with that, buddy.

Catherine · Selina:mom, i really hate pictures. / no, honey, you're pretty. / just smile now. smile. / catherine, i'm really serious. smile, okay?

Catherine · Selina:dilka. / dilk-- / what? / dilka. / dilka? / i think her dad's iranian. / iranian?

Doyle:sweet hairy fuck.

Catherine · Selina · Staff:you're changing the name of a hurricane? / yeah. and that would have been a disaster for us. / yeah, naturally. it's amazing. / you're trying to control the weather. you are not fucking thor, mom.

Catherine · Staff · Selina:don't you yes-men ever say no to her? / of course they do. / yeah, we do. yeah. / exactly. / all right, you know what? you're a little bit out of control.

Selina · Catherine:i've been trying, catherine. i've been trying to talk to you this whole day. / about what? / about everything. i didn't even know that you had a new roommate. what's-his-ass had to tell me. / i know. gary told you.

Selina · Catherine:i've been trying, catherine. i've been trying to talk to you this whole day. / about what? / about everything. / i didn't even know that you had a new roommate. what's-his-ass had to tell me.

Selina · Doyle:wait, i'm confused, because now you're begging me to put back onto the task force the same person you were begging me to take off of the task force. / when you say it out loud, you know, it does sound-- / kind of idiotic.

Selina:wait, i'm confused, because now you're begging me to put back onto the task force the same person you were begging me to take off of the task force.

Doyle:well, but it's not as idiotic as the current filibuster system.

Gary:catch-44, he caught it. pow! oh, i'm sorry.

Jonah · Selina:why wasn't i told about this? / why would you be told about that?

Jonah:you need to kill the dog. / not literally, but-- i mean, yeah, if it comes to it, then literally.

Dan:mike's already got a whole setup for one-- the blankets, the crate, the balls, all the little toys and stuff. / why doesn't he take the pooch?

Selina · Staff:you guys, are we seriously gonna let the guy with the police sketch face of a rapist tell us what to do? / oh, this rapist face gets eights. / consensually, i might throw in.

Mike:simon is an alpha male.

Catherine · Dan:seriously, mike has a fake dog. / you're like the only one here who doesn't know that.

Mike · Staff:simon is an alpha male. / actually, i think that is a good idea.

Mike · Gary · Selina:i just got it from google images. / i'm sorry, ma'am. i thought you knew, ma'am. / otherwise i would not have been laughing. / gary knew? / even fucking gary knew?

Catherine · Selina · Dan · Mike:seriously, mike has a fake dog. you're like the only one here who doesn't know that. / what? / yeah, he uses it to get out of stuff like if he's late. it's called a shitbull terrier. / it's a bullshit-tzu.

Selina · Mike · Staff · Gary:is this true, mike? / it got a little out of hand. / you carry a picture of it in your wallet, mike. / i just got it from google images. / i'm sorry, ma'am. i thought you knew, ma'am. / otherwise i would not have been laughing. / gary knew? / even fucking gary knew?

Selina:you are getting the dog. you are getting this little rat-faced, repulsive, yappy, crepit-looking terrier.

Gary:wow, i'm glad that you were so honest about liking the one that i chose.

Jonah · Sue:hey, sue. / jonah. / you got a convenient opening i can slide into? / open up a slot for jonah? / there's not enough alcohol in the world, jonah.

Jonah · Sue:Hey, Sue. / Jonah. / You got a convenient opening I can slide into?

Jonah · Sue:didn't say no. / no!

Selina:let's go mingle the shit out of 'em.

Gary · Selina:ernest lainchbury, lifeboat association. / he's got a glass eye. / i am so happy you're here.

Gary · Selina:jenny armitage, disabled sports of america. / just had triplets. / oh, triplets. wow. / that must have hurt... unless you had a c-section.

Gary · Selina:carlos esquerra, c.e.o. of the nasdaq o.m.x. group. / i got nothing. use your spanish. / su casa es mi casa. / mi casa. / mi casa es su casa.

Gary · Selina:rt van der merkle, head of gambling commission. / pro-gambling. loves to kill. / hey, there.

Gary · Selina:corey wilk, special advisor to the supreme court of michigan. / he's got a brother in rage against the machine. / tell your brother i love his music.

Gary · Selina:carrie stringer, center for social action. / he's a triathlete. / no, he's not.

Gary · Selina:liam miller, nasa. / okay, that's an acronym for national aeronautics-- / i-- stop it. / okay.

Gary · Selina:the reverend terrance clark, church of the living christ. / he's a baker. / oh, christ has risen.

Gary:hyun-joo lee, urban placemakers forum. / he's korean.

Gary:hyun-joo lee, urban placemakers forum. / he's korean.