Justice

Jesus Beverly Christ

If it was any more Kennedy-esque, it would drive you into the ocean

Fittingly, I lost my back-virginity in Assateague

I once lost my wallet in Denver

No, ma'am, you have a meeting with Tanz at 2:00. - Oh, thank you very much, Richard

He was a friend to all people, especially corporations, who he legally considered to be people

there is absolutely no validity to the rumor that the president is being considered for the seat

I just habitually deny everything these days. It gets me in trouble with Wendy, too

The other day, I flushed a comb down the toilet

I do wanna hear the end of that, though

You do like throwing books at people

Plus, reading... could it be bad for your child's self-esteem? Why one Texas housewife wants to phase it out

I thought my charm campaign was turning into a bit of a death march, but I think I breached her defenses

I want a full fucking beaver shot with the legs. Otherwise, what is the point?

I'm starting to look like a diversity hire here

If I wanted people to think that I actually still cared about them, I would've stayed in fucking politics

as a female, do you feel that... - Pass!

Madam Pardoner. Don't mention it. Ever.

The miserable anti-Semite, but a great friend of Israel

Uh-huh, you're stalling. It must be a big number.

You have back trouble? You know what helps? Bananas. The potassium.

What, no massage? Gary, massage him. Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.

What time? / Memoir time. / Oh, God.

Just go deep. Just go deep for him, yes.

our prison system is in grave danger of dropping below 135% occupancy

Well, I think that I'm partially to blame for that because I let you out of one

we can find you a man or a woman, but it'll probably be a man if you wanna get anything done

I want you to get in touch with Ed McPherson on Judiciary 'cause he's building an infinity pool. On it. Too late.

CNN just came out with their speculative list of nominees for the open Supreme Court seat... and they have you as a long shot's long shot

Oh, it's cnn.com. Oh, well, nobody looks at that.

My tits feel like these Hot Pockets

Hey, don't fucking say that, okay? It's not that. Seriously, that is like a sexist-beyond-sexist reaction.

Mike's hair reminds me of graham cracker crumbs

Good news is without the tampons, it's gonna free up some space in my bag. Where are you gonna put yours?

I pardoned 'Typhoid Moishe'

Super left field? I mean, is that even a position? Mm-hmm, that was my position in Little League. I was a pitcher's helper.

It's hot flashy. / It's totally normal.

What are you telling me? I think you had a small heart attack. A heart attack? Yes, ma'am. So, I'm not menopausal?

Hand me a cracker and spread it up with 'I Can't Believe It's Not Menopause'

You wanna knock me up, Doc? Just 'cause I can do it.

You know what I like about you two? It's not clear who's the top. I am.

You could have direct sexual intercourse with the donor

Why don't we just puppy pile, okay? Then we'll all get a bite to eat afterwards, you know. See a movie or something. You know, we'll make it nice.

I'm just the cream filling in this gay-claire

So, I've been pulling out this entire time for nothing?

Ladies, I am Danny Egan, and I will see you in the tomorrow

Did I die? Is this heaven? Yeah, he keeps waking up and asking that

You had a heart attack, Gary. For the third freaking time.

No, I had a heart episode and they're just gonna pop a stent in there just for fun

Just think... next year, you get to go to my library opening. And you get to buy my book. Can't you just give me a copy? Well, I can't be giving out free copies of the book 'cause think of the position that that would put me in.

You're only 40? And I'm gonna... I'm gonna have a party. In Alabama.

If anybody asks, you just say I'm in a routine closed-door meeting, okay? If they're wondering why I'm at the hospital, you just put that on Gary 'cause he had a massive heart attack, luckily.

'Cause I don't know the alarm code to get back into my house

Just give him that whale dong Jonah, my God

Well, well, well. If it isn't the prodigal traitor come back home to suck on my giant congressional ball

Listen, jizz clot, I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're gonna have a meeting with Sherman Tanz

No. He's a prison magnet

when people think about what's wrong in Washington, they think of him and you

Well, for you, Congressman, disaster would be a step up

I have insider confirmation that Selina Meyer is being considered for the open Supreme Court seat. To what, reupholster it?

Why don't you talk to Jane? You're her man. / Yeah, right.

They're actually from a very expensive boutique

Whoo, that Montez is a Latin piece of ass

Yes, my roommates Stashelle, Lark, and Boosh

Peek-a-boo, peek-a-boo!

Madam President, may I say from one vet to another, congratulations. / Oh, God, this is the second act that Selina Meyer finally deserves.

We share a studio in Hoboken. Your mom doesn't think you're pretty, but I think you're stunning.

Monday, it's the day after Daylight Saving Time. It's my favorite holiday 'cause it's like living in a tiny version of 'Back to the Future'

I catch the 4:28 PATH... then I take the F to the 6, and then I do a quick jaunt, and I'm there in time to steep the tea

Put him in the basement. I don't give a shit. Fine, the basement. Who gives a shit?

Your mom doesn't think you're pretty, but I think you're stunning.

They're gonna have to carry me out of there with the gavel clenched in my cold, dead twat

Well, I can give them my actual abortion if I could find it lying around here somewhere. I'll check the freezer.

I'm sorry, Mama. Bunny's late for middle school.

The big hand points to the noon and the little hand points to the... Well, fuck, it's the... God, it's 10:00 AM.

Getting paid, getting laid, son. Zero dollars and one cent.

Did you have a stroke, you weird asshole man?

I cut up a chicken sandwich and I put it into pasta. What? Is this the chicken sandwich that was in the fridge before the hospital? Wow, and you left the bun on it when you cut it.

It's the bleu cheese. No, but there isn't any bleu cheese in it. You must be... starving yourself, though.

I mean, I couldn't finish it. I just threw the rest out.

Is that what she calls you when she puts her penis in your vagina?

I set my watch back for Daylight Savings Time. You set your watch the wrong way. No, it's spring. I 'springed' backwards.

Plus-sized homunculus. A human-shaped creature of medieval legend that Paracelsus claimed was created from putrefied sperm.

I've had my own bedtime since I was 17. I didn't need a babysitter then and I don't need one now, and it's high time that the government stop trying to babysit all of us.

I get it. Jonah Ryan. He's young, he's raw, he's a fresh, if slightly deformed, face that I can ride like a hobby horse.

On the bright side, it's gonna be an amazing new exhibit at the Hughes Library

Daylight Saving... not plural... Time has never saved us from anything, certainly not the higher energy costs it promised to lower.