Selina and her team attend the funeral of a Supreme Court Justice. Amy works on securing a location for Selina's library. Dan tries to maintain his upswing with his co-host. Jonah finds an issue.
Political ambition collapses under procedural tedium; 87 jokes sustain the entropy.
Directed by Dale Stern · Written by Rachel Axler
WAR
199.5
Wins Above Replacement
“Justice” ranks #12 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 96.8 — Elite. The episode packs 122 scored jokes at 3.1 per minute, averaging 7.7 on craft and 7.6 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Selina · Doctor · Selina: So, I'm not menopausal? / Well, no, but this is far more serious. / Well, hand me a cracker and spread it up with 'I Can't Believe It's Not Menopause.'
Selina: They're gonna have to carry me out of there with the gavel clenched in my cold, dead twat.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Dan: Sure, whatever. I'm just the cream filling in this gay-claire.
Dan Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jonah: I'm not gonna suck your dick. The only one who should be sucking your dick is Daylight Savings Time.
Jonah Character Comedy Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Dan: Oh, I am gonna save a fortune in morning-after pills. There are, like, three girls that owe me an abortion refund.
Dan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 122 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Selina: Jesus Beverly Christ, I'm starving.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Staff member: If it was any more Kennedy-esque, it would drive you into the ocean.
Selina: Fittingly, I lost my back-virginity in Assateague.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Mike: I once lost my wallet in Denver.
Mike Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Selina: He was a friend to all people, especially corporations, who he legally considered to be people.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Observational Mike · Reporter: No, no, no, no, no, there is absolutely no validity to the rumor that the president is being considered for the seat. / Do you mean President Meyer?
Mike: I just habitually deny everything these days. It gets me in trouble with Wendy, too. The other day, I flushed a comb down the toilet.
Mike Character Comedy Escalation Selina · Other staffer: You know what I don't need is examples. / I do wanna hear the end of that, though.
Jane · Danny: You think I'd make a good judge? / You do like throwing books at people.
TV Announcer/Danny: When we return, more of that signature Danny Egan wit. Plus, reading... could it be bad for your child's self-esteem? Why one Texas housewife wants to phase it out.
Jane: Stevie, when we throw to commercial, I want a full fucking beaver shot with the legs. Otherwise, what is the point?
Jane Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Danny: I'm starting to look like a diversity hire here.
Danny Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Danny: If I wanted people to think that I actually still cared about them, I would've stayed in fucking politics.
Danny Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Staffer · Selina: I'd be careful. A couple of them have colds. / I'm sweating my balls off here.
Mike · Selina: as a female, do you feel that... / Pass!
Sherman Tanz · Selina: Madam Pardoner. / Don't mention it. Ever.
Selina · Tanz: Oh, good for you. The miserable anti-Semite, but a great friend of Israel.
Tanz: You know what helps? Bananas. The potassium.
Tanz Character Comedy Absurdist Tanz · Selina · Gary: What, no massage? / Gary, massage him. / Mm-mm. / Mm-hmm.
Selina · Tanz: I was thinking in the ballpark of maybe five million. / That's a big ballpark. / But I think five million is swingable.
Selina Tanz Wordplay/Pun Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina: Well, I think that I'm partially to blame for that because I let you out of one.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Yeah, we can find you a man or a woman, but it'll probably be a man if you wanna get anything done.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Selina · Richard: Right, I want you to get in touch with Ed McPherson on Judiciary 'cause he's building an infinity pool. / On it. Too late.
Gary · Selina · Selina: Oh, it's cnn.com. / Oh, well, nobody looks at that. / Thanks for nothing, Mike.
Selina: My tits feel like these Hot Pockets.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Staffer · Selina: well, ma'am, have you seen the doctor lately? Because maybe it's meno... / Hey, don't fucking say that, okay?
Selina: It's not that. Seriously, that is like a sexist-beyond-sexist reaction... Mike's hair reminds me of graham cracker crumbs.
Selina Character Comedy Misdirection Gary · Selina: Good news is without the tampons, it's gonna free up some space in my bag. / Where are you gonna put yours?
Gary Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: I pardoned 'Typhoid Moishe.'
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive TV Anchor · Selina · Richard: Meyer certainly would be a super left field choice... / Super left field? I mean, is that even a position? / Mm-hmm, that was my position in Little League. I was a pitcher's helper.
Selina · Richard · Selina: This is insane, isn't it? / I know! It's fucking absurd! / Well, you don't have to agree with me that strongly.
Doctor: Well, I suspect that this may be myocardial ischemia... I think you had a small heart attack.
Doctor Misdirection Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Doctor · Selina: So, I'm not menopausal? / Well, no, but this is far more serious. / Well, hand me a cracker and spread it up with 'I Can't Believe It's Not Menopause.'
Selina: You wanna knock me up, Doc? Just 'cause I can do it.
Selina Character Comedy Absurdist Selina: It's just a heart attack! Gary! Gar...
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Catherine · Selina: Maybe my uterus is just wonky. / No, Catherine. It's porcelain and perfect.
Doctor · Marjorie: You know what I like about you two? It's not clear who's the top. / I am.
Doctor: Why don't we just puppy pile, okay? Then we'll all get a bite to eat afterwards, you know. See a movie or something. You know, we'll make it nice.
Doctor Absurdist Dark/Subversive Catherine · Donor/Dan: He does have very delicate features. / Thank you.
Dan: Sure, whatever. I'm just the cream filling in this gay-claire.
Dan Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dan · Doctor · Dan: Seriously? / I'm so sorry, Dan. / So, I've been pulling out this entire time for nothing?
Dan: Oh, I am gonna save a fortune in morning-after pills. There are, like, three girls that owe me an abortion refund.
Dan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Dan: Ladies, I am Danny Egan, and I will see you in the tomorrow.
Dan Character Comedy Absurdist Catherine · Marjorie: Oh, my God, I can't believe I just did that. Um, uh, so we should go to Washington probably, I guess. / I guess.
Gary · Doctor · Gary · Doctor: Did I die? / Here we go again. / Is this heaven? / Yeah, he keeps waking up and asking that.
Selina: No, I had a heart episode and they're just gonna pop a stent in there just for fun.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: Can we get something for Mr. Walsh, please? Because he's the one who's really ailing and at death's door.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Gary · Selina · Gary: Am I at death's door? / Yes, Madam President. / Oh, I'm at death's door?
Selina · Selina · Gary · Selina: Just think... next year, you get to go to my library opening. / And you get to buy my book. / Can't you just give me a copy? / Well, I can't be giving out free copies of the book 'cause think of the position that that would put me in.
Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina: And you're gonna have a birthday next... / August. / ...August. Good for you. That's right. And you're gonna be... / 40. / ...40. / You remembered. / Yeah. You're only 40?
Selina · Gary · Selina: And I'm gonna... I'm gonna have a party. / Oh, really? / In Alabama.
Selina: If they're wondering why I'm at the hospital, you just put that on Gary 'cause he had a massive heart attack, luckily.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Selina: 'Cause I don't know the alarm code to get back into my house.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Selina: Just give him that whale dong Jonah, my God.
Selina Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Jonah · Richard: Well, well, well. If it isn't the prodigal traitor come back home to suck on my giant congressional ball. / No, it's Richard Splett.
Jonah · Selina (via phone): Well, well, well. If it isn't the prodigal ex-girlfriend come home to suck on my giant... / Listen, jizz clot...
Ben/Kent · Ben/Kent: Private prison and pay day lending magnate, Israel hyper-enthusiast, billionaire, convicted of tax fraud. Yeah, when people think about what's wrong in Washington, they think of him and you.
Ben/Kent · Jonah · Ben/Kent: Association with Tanz spells disaster. / So, I shouldn't meet with him? / Well, for you, Congressman, disaster would be a step up.
Mike · Richard · Mike: Apparently, someone saw President Meyer's name on McPherson's call sheet, and he's the chair of the Judiciary Committee. / I'm sorry, could you repeat everything after 'Hey, buddy'? / Oh, shit, hold on one sec.
Mike · Jane · Jane: Chocolate chip walnut cookies from Levain. / Mm-hmm. / You're lucky I have such a great ass.
Richard · Mike: All I can tell you is that President Meyer is in a closed-door meeting. / Wait, so this Supreme Court shit's real? / All I can tell you is President Meyer is in a closed-door...
Mike · Journalist colleague: Hey, guys, I have insider confirmation that Selina Meyer is being considered for the open Supreme Court seat. / To what, reupholster it?
Danny · Jane · Danny: Oh, also, can we do something about my makeup girl and her Hinckley-esque obsession with bronzer? / She's not going anywhere. She's the head makeup artist's niece. / I'm starting to look like I should be auditioning for a telenovela here.
Danny: Come on, I haven't slept with a woman over 30 since I was 14, and that's 'cause I needed the grade.
Danny Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Danny: Bronzina's fired. You're welcome.
Danny Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Selina: Oh! You got me some bodega flowers?
Selina Character Comedy Reaction Beat Catherine · Selina · Marjorie: They're actually from a very expensive boutique. / Oh, okay, well, I like them, wherever they're from. / We can just give them to Gary.
Gary · Selina: Whoo, that Montez is a Latin piece of ass. / Okay, he's hallucinating. Come here, come here, come out here.
Nurse · Gary · Nurse · Gary: Gary Walsh? / Yeah. / If you will just sign here, please. / 'Yas,' queen.
Nurse · Gary · Nurse · Gary: Do you have someone at home who can take care of you? / Yes, my roommates Stashelle, Lark, and Boosh. / You have three roommates? / We share a studio in Hoboken.
Gary: Your mom doesn't think you're pretty, but I think you're stunning.
Gary Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary: Yeah, and what's the first thing you remember about him? / He got stuck in a bathtub? / No, well, the second thing you remember about him. / He was buried in a piano case.
Richard: Ooh, Monday, it's the day after Daylight Saving Time. It's my favorite holiday 'cause it's like living in a tiny version of 'Back to the Future.'
Catherine · Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary: He can't go all the way back to Hoboken. / What? What are you talking about? You live in New Jersey? / You're at the brownstone by 6:00. I leave a little after 4:00, I catch the 4:28 PATH... / Okay. / ...then I take the F to the 6, and then I do a quick jaunt, and I'm there in time to steep the tea...
Selina: No, my legacy, guys, is me in a robe, taking guns from this guy, giving the death penalty to that guy. And they can't vote me out, right? It's for life.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: They're gonna have to carry me out of there with the gavel clenched in my cold, dead twat.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina · Gary · Selina · Richard: Oh, Gary, I need you to move all of these law review boxes. / Love to, yeah. / Ow! / See, now it hurts for me to point. That muscle's called the brachioradialis. At least it is in cats.
Gary · Selina · Gary: the Judiciary Committee has asked to send them everything that you've ever written on abortion. / Well, I can give them my actual abortion if I could find it lying around here somewhere. / I'll check the freezer.
Selina · Gary: Well, I can give them my actual abortion if I could find it lying around here somewhere. / I'll check the freezer.
Selina Gary Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Absurdist ★ Rewatch Selina: If I'm going to be a Supreme, I don't really think we need to finish this book.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Catherine: I'm sorry, Mama. Bunny's late for middle school. I'll see you later.
Jonah · Ben/Kent: Tell me what gets this Tanz guy's dick hard. / Being on time, Congressman Dachau. You're an hour late. He's been sitting in your office the whole time.
Jonah: Do I need to timesplain clock reading to you two? The big hand points to the noon and the little hand points to the... Well, fuck, it's the... God, it's 10:00 AM.
Jonah Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Ben/Kent · Jonah · Ben/Kent · Jonah · Jonah · Kent: You didn't set your watch forward. / Happy Daylight Savings Time. / Saving. / Whatever. / Oh, shit, Daylight Savings Time is today? / Saving, and it started yesterday.
Jonah · Tanz: Okay, but you're in... / Fine.
Tanz: I like to judge a man by looking him right in the eyes.
Tanz Cringe/Discomfort Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Jonah · Tanz · Jonah: Are you gonna make a campaign contribution or what? / You know what? I am. / Getting paid, getting laid, son.
Tanz: Congressman Jonah Ryan. Zero dollars and one cent.
Tanz Setup/Punchline Misdirection ★ Rewatch Jonah · Tanz · Jonah · Tanz: Did you have a stroke, you weird asshole man? You stuck around here for an hour just to be a dick? / I did. / You didn't even sign this. / Maybe you should've apologized.
Gary · Selina: Ding-dong! Dinner is served! What? / You should not be in the maid's quarters.
Gary · Selina · Selina · Catherine: Oh, I cut up a chicken sandwich and I put it into pasta. / What? / Is this the chicken sandwich that was in the fridge before the hospital? / Wow, and you left the bun on it when you cut it.
Selina · Gary · Selina: Smells sort of funky, though, no? / It's the bleu cheese. / No, but there isn't any bleu cheese in it.
Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina: You must be... starving yourself, though. / Oh, no, I ate. / You did? / Yeah, a chef made me some grilled salmon and some asparagus with a béarnaise sauce. It was heavenly. It was really delicious. / Okay. / I mean, I couldn't finish it. I just threw the rest out.
Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary · Selina · Gary · Gary · Selina: Where is your water? / Ugh, I don't have any. There's just bottles in the kitchen. / Oh. / Yeah, I'll go. / No, no, no, I'll go. / No, no, no, I'm gonna go, really. / Okay? I'm just... I just wanna wait a minute. / Okay. That's really sweet.
TV News: Apparently, the state senator was against gay marriage and paying his gay escort. / We'll be right back.
TV News Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm Jane · Danny: Danny, I saw that piece that you did on Rwanda. It's very powerful. / You did? Fantastic! I'm so glad you like it.
Colleague · Danny: Is that what she calls you when she puts her penis in your vagina? What? What are you talking about? / We all know about you and Jane. / Come on, I haven't slept with a woman over 30 since I was 14...
Ben/Kent · Jonah · Jonah · Ben/Kent · Jonah: Where have you been? / Why? / Did I miss the French toast dippy things? / You're two hours late. / No, that's impossible. I set my watch back for Daylight Savings Time.
Ben · Kent · Kent · Jonah · Ben/Kent · Jonah: Saving, not savings. / You set your watch the wrong way. / It's neither a plural, nor a possessive. / No, it's spring. I 'springed' backwards. / No, you spring forward! / Have ever watched girls gymnastics? That makes no sense.
Kent · Jonah: You could just get the correct time from your phone. / Oh, could I? Well, guess what, my phone fell in the toilet, so who's the fucking smart guy now, Kent?
Ben · Jonah · Kent · Jonah: Hey, hey, hey, listen to me, you plus-sized homunculus. / Plus-sized what? / Homunculus. A human-shaped creature of medieval legend that Paracelsus claimed was created from putrefied sperm. / How do you both know that?
Ben: If you don't want that reporter to write a story titled 'Granite State Represented by Twinless Tower,' then you better get over there, dip his cock in some maple syrup, and start sucking.
Ben Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Ben: If you don't want that reporter to write a story titled 'Granite State Represented by Twinless Tower,' then you better get over there, dip his cock in some maple syrup, and start sucking.
Ben Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Jonah: Take this down. / I'm not gonna suck your dick. The only one who should be sucking your dick is Daylight Savings Time. And I don't give a fuck if that means that some farmer in Kansas has to milk his cow using a fucking flashlight. I've had my own bedtime since I was 17. I didn't need a babysitter then and I don't need one now, and it's high time that the government stop trying to babysit all of us.
Jonah Character Comedy Absurdist Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Jonah: I'm not gonna suck your dick. The only one who should be sucking your dick is Daylight Savings Time.
Jonah Character Comedy Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Jonah: That was all off the record.
Jonah Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Jonah: That was all off the record.
Jonah Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina · Aide · Aide · Selina · Gary: Oh, my God, really? / Yeah. / We should be getting a phone call any minute. / Ooh, my heart is racing! / I bet this time, it's just menopause.
Selina · Richard: Get Shylock Tanz on the phone right now! / I think his name is Sherman Tanz.
Selina: Get Shylock Tanz on the phone right now! / What? / I don't know who Montez picked, but it sure as tits wasn't me.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Callback Selina · Aide · Selina: Fuck Montez and that fake bur... burrow... whatever you call those donkeys they ride in on. / Bureaus. / Burro?
Aide · Aide · Other aide: It would've been a shame to hide that body under a robe. / You know? / Okay, yes.
Staff/Dan: It would've been a shame to hide that body under a robe.
Selina · Tanz: I want you to remind me what it is exactly that you're getting. / Jonah Ryan. He's young, he's raw, he's a fresh, if slightly deformed, face that I can ride like a hobby horse.
Tanz · Tanz: Did you see his nonsense about the Daylight Savings? / I love this guy.
Tanz Tanz Character Comedy Callback Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Yeah, that was the fucking point, Sherman. Bye!
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Tanz · Selina · Selina: I am all in on Jonah Ryan, and I owe you one. / Yeah, that was the fucking point, Sherman. / Bye!
Gary · Gary · Selina · Selina: Aw, well, at least you made the short list. / How are you feeling, by the way? / Good. / Then shut the fuck up.
Gary: On the bright side, it's gonna be an amazing new exhibit at the Hughes Library.
Gary Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jonah: Wait, do I have to read all this?
Jonah Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Jonah: Mr. Speaker, Daylight Saving... not plural... Time has never saved us from anything, certainly not the higher energy costs it promised to lower.
Jonah Character Comedy Callback Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Jonah: This bill will be a call for less government from our clocks to our privately built for-profit prisons to the very watches on our wrists.
Jonah Irony/Sarcasm Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback 