Selina settles on a location for her presidential library. Dan lands in a gossip column. Mike and Selina work on her book. Jonah tries to cement a big donation. Gary manages a mini-crisis at Madame Tussauds.
81-point episode rides 59 jokes in 38 minutes, banking on character chaos over setup precision.
Directed by Beth McCarthy-Miller · Written by Gabrielle Allan, Jennifer Crittenden
WAR
174.9
Wins Above Replacement
“Chicklet” ranks #16 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 96.2 — Elite. The episode packs 106 scored jokes at 2.8 per minute, averaging 7.8 on craft and 7.5 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Richard: Well, my family in Iowa was pretty religious. Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin like microwaves or laughter.
Richard Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Richard: Well, my father and I both hate eating butterscotch, but love to say it. Butterscotch.
Richard Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jane: Dan, if I stop being fuckable, then I am Grandma, and if I'm Grandma, I will be replaced by two tits with a degree from American University over there.
Jane Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Jonah: Failure to thrive at birth... fuck that. Puberty at 19. When it hit, it hit like a fucking thunderbolt. Third grade reading level in the tenth grade. Everything that I have been through in my entire life has only made me stronger and taller.
Jonah Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Selina: What does Rumpleforeskin want?
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 106 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Selina: American University sounds like a made-up college in Egypt.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Selina · Amy: No, I heard her. You understand that, Amy, that even Richard has trouble understanding you?
Selina: Even that sanctimonious fraud Carter had a library.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: American University, it's like American Univer-shit.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Callback Selina: Selina fumbling the name of National Volunteer Week mid-speech, needing to be prompted, then continuing with hollow enthusiasm.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Selina: Get this T-shirt off of me. I look like I'm trying out for 'The Price is Right.'
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: God Almighty, I wish I'd been assassinated in office.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Selina: Although, with my luck, I'd be then crippled for life, sitting in a wheelchair in my reading room with my name on the thing.
Selina Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Amy · Selina: They haven't agreed to putting your name on anything, ma'am. [reaction beat — Selina's stunned silence/outrage]
Amy Selina Reaction Beat Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Oh, God, I hate every food ever, from everywhere.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: What?! They have me next to Gerald Ford? Is this the Hall of Half-Term Wonders?
Selina Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Gary: I thought that was Craig T. Nelson.
Gary Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Selina: Why do they even have a wax figure of Ford? The real one was made of wood.
Selina Setup/Punchline Wordplay/Pun Selina: ...melt down that whole collection and use it to wax Madame Tussauds' big, fat, nasty snatch!
Selina Escalation Dark/Subversive Selina: My pantyhose go up so high. [non-sequitur physical complaint immediately after Selina's tirade]
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Selina: Trust me, Amy, it was not the heart attack that depressed your dad.
Selina Setup/Punchline Irony/Sarcasm Selina: I just feel like I'm a thick, dark fog and everyone disappoints me and nothing works out, and what's the point of anything anyway? And before you ask, it's not because I'm not sleeping, okay? 'Cause I'm getting 14 hours of sleep a night.
Selina Character Comedy Escalation Mike: Wendy and I went to see her when things were rocky. Both of them went to town on me. It was brutal. I cried so hard, I threw up, but it was the best thing I've ever done.
Mike Character Comedy Escalation Selina · Catherine: You're in therapy? Since when? / Since I was 13. / Well, what you really needed was a dermatologist.
Richard: Well, my father and I both hate eating butterscotch, but love to say it. Butterscotch.
Richard Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Amy · Dan: Hey, this isn't a library! / Oh, no, it's a graveyard that sells gum. / Print is dead.
Amy Dan Setup/Punchline Deadpan/Understatement Dan: No, I get all my gum on Amazon.
Dan Character Comedy Observational Andrew · Catherine: Just for tax purposes, why don't you make it out to cash? That's easy, hmm? / I'll just leave it blank.
Catherine: You asked her to wait by your street meter in case it ran out.
Selina: You're not giving any money to the Music Man here, are you, sweetie?
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Andrew · Selina: And what chores do you do around the house to deserve that? / I show assholes the door.
Andrew: Here's a statement... your investment is doing quite well.
Andrew Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Selina: He was fucking Louise Kellog for me, my goddamn press secretary. 'Cause that's what he does, see? He makes you...
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: And then we just hired the least fuckable press secretary we could find.
Selina Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Moe: Yeah, if you sit, it's a meal, which is a gift, which is a bribe, which is a line of prison inmates standing on each other's shoulders trying to sodomize you.
Moe Escalation Absurdist ★ Rewatch Jonah · Shawnee: Hi, Mrs. Tanz. Ms. Tanz, you are smoking. / I'm the daughter. Gross.
Jonah · Moe · Tanz: More crime means more for-profit prisons. We're gonna lock 'em up and we're gonna fry 'em. / What are you, a monster? / If you kill them, they can't get arrested again. That's how we make our money. / Processing fees.
Shawnee: Right, which you would know if you hadn't been losing a battle of wits with a meatball.
Shawnee Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Jonah: Failure to thrive at birth... fuck that. Puberty at 19. When it hit, it hit like a fucking thunderbolt. Third grade reading level in the tenth grade. Everything that I have been through in my entire life has only made me stronger and taller.
Jonah Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Selina: I begged Daddy to get her for me, and he did. I remember he said, 'Squirrel, you're an intense little girl, and now you finally have a friend.'
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: Mother up and sold her. She hated all animals that she couldn't eat or wear.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Selina: Boy, I'll tell you, I remember that night he died 'cause his secretary came banging on the door at, like, 2:00 AM.
Selina Misdirection Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: Hmm, see? I'm not so bad once you get to know me after 20 years.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Selina · Gary: What is this, Yonkers? / Just go and get sausage patties.
Mike · Amy: She hasn't yelled at me in, like, 24 hours. / It's weird.
Mike Amy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Catherine · Richard: Catherine: 'Oh, my God. / [to Richard] Oh, you mean masturbate?'
Richard: Oh, self-husband.
Richard Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Richard: Well, my family in Iowa was pretty religious. Grandma Splett always said that self-pleasure was a sin like microwaves or laughter.
Richard Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Richard: I'm sorry, I'm still understanding how the cup comes into play.
Richard Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Richard: No, worse comes to worst, I'll burn in hell like Grandma Splett.
Richard Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Richard · Catherine: How many of these do I need to fill up? / Yeah, no, you just have to do one. / Just one? Okay. I think that'll be easier. / How will I know when I'm done? / You know, I'll figure it out. I'll probably figure it out.
Shawnee · Jonah: Why didn't you take me back to your place? / Do you live with your mom? / No. Pfft, no. She wishes. / I live in my office. DC rents are insane.
Shawnee: We'll fuck again tonight at 7:30 with less kissing.
Shawnee Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Jonah · Shawnee: Did my missing ball freak you out? / Honestly, it was one less thing to worry about.
Jonah · Shawnee: Okay. Thanks, Mrs. Tanz. / What? / Ms. Tanz.
Jonah: Five-minute feud truce. The most amazing thing just happened to me twice!
Jonah Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Amy · Dan: They're fucking her in the ass? / I have to see this.
Amy Dan Character Comedy Escalation Amy: This girl is, like, 11 years old. Where are her parents? [visual gag — reaction to seeing child posing with the wax figure inappropriately]
Amy Visual Gag Dark/Subversive Amy: You're as useless as a dick at a roller derby.
Amy Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Selina: Good morning. Selina Meyer present. We will now vote on the next item. / These vultures wanna raise the price of some new cancer drug. / Aye.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: My daddy was a very good family man, okay? He was charismatic, he was gregarious, he was somewhat peculiar, yeah... but all interesting people are, okay?!
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: Third vote. / Nay. / But it's for discounted prescriptions for the elderly. / Oh. Nay.
Selina Dark/Subversive Escalation Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Dan: I mean, do I fuck her? The entire town thinks I am anyway. / You're my mom's favorite couple. / Sort of like Indiana Jones, I guess. Digging my way through the ancient ruins, hacking my way past the crazy cobwebs and snakes and shit, hoping my face doesn't melt when I open her up.
Dan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Dan: Zero anal access. How's that for a new deal?
Dan Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Dan: Not just the beans. Also, the franks.
Dan Visual Gag Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Amy: Or we could trade places, and you could be in charge of a library that doesn't exist for a president who is currently more famous for being a jizz sock for Times Square tourists than for serving her country.
Amy Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Dan: That is the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.
Dan Reaction Beat Character Comedy Selina: My daddy actually tried to pull her wig off because he didn't like her Broadway show.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Uncle George · Mike: No, he was away on business. / No, that's just what we told her when she was a little girl. But you knew that, right?
Uncle George: Died right on top of her. / What a way to go. / She was built, my God.
Uncle George: She had to go to the loony bin after that. Your mother paid for it. She always referred to it as 'the spa.'
Uncle George: Your mother wasn't gonna bail him out anymore.
Uncle George: You know, she had no children of her own, you know, because your dad was always taking her to the doctor.
Uncle George: Barbara loved buying you those. You know, she had no children of her own, you know, because your dad was always taking her to the doctor.
Selina: It's fun to drive again, especially drunk.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Selina: He was a cheater and a liar! He was a horse thief! I was stupid little Daddy's girl!
Selina Character Comedy Escalation Callback Selina: He was a cheater and a liar! He was a horse thief! I was stupid little Daddy's girl!
Selina Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Mike · Selina: Pay me! Pay me, bitch! / Yeah, you pay him, you bitch!
Selina: Wait, stop! This is a pencil holder that I made for my daddy when I was at camp.
Selina Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Mike · Selina: Why do shoes cost so much money?! / He wasn't so perfect! / He loved them and he was fucking them! / I wish I had peed first. / Why do I always wait so long to pee? / Oh, my God. / I'm a grown man! / I shouldn't eat when I'm full!
Selina: My mom was right and I ignored her, and I married my fucking father.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina: This is the story of the gifted girl who triumphed over her parents' toxic marriage to become an American icon! Don't you see? I had no choice but to go into politics and be extraordinary and a sex symbol.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Selina · Mike: Mike crashed my car. He's completely wasted. / I made this at camp. / Look, I made it at camp.
Selina Mike Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Jane: Hey, so, Danny, before I have a morning bagel, I just wanna make sure you don't wanna fuck that, too.
Jane Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jane: Dan, if I stop being fuckable, then I am Grandma, and if I'm Grandma, I will be replaced by two tits with a degree from American University over there.
Jane Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Jane · Dan: It's you. You're the one telling people. / Smart and handsome.
Jane Dan Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Jonah · Kent/Moe: Why do we always have to raise the ceiling? / So you don't scrape your head, you giant barbecue fork.
Moe/Kent · Jonah: You need to get rid of your glasses. They make you look smart. / Okay. / Voters hate that.
Jonah · Moe: Come on, if the other congressmen see me with a cheat sheet, they're gonna think I'm a fucking idiot. / You can't unring that bell.
Jonah · Shawnee · Jonah: No, I'm gonna look like that old popcorn homo. / You'll look like a school teacher or a small-town grocer — good, solid New England professions. / Yeah, or like a nation of Islam badass.
Jonah · Moe/Ben: Come on, if the other congressmen see me with a cheat sheet, they're gonna think I'm a fucking idiot. / You can't unring that bell.
Jonah: Why can't we just write it on my hand like we used to? That worked and I felt good about myself.
Jonah Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Jonah: No, I'm gonna look like that old popcorn homo.
Jonah Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Jonah: Yeah, or like a nation of Islam badass.
Jonah Absurdist Character Comedy Jonah: How do small-town child molesters poll?
Jonah Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Moe/Ben: Jobs for wetlands duck-fuckers who are never gonna vote for Jonah.
Moe/Ben Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jonah: If I vote no, can I turn your drylands into wetlands?
Jonah Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Kent · Ben: Well, the female form is a formidable adversary. / Well, ironically, I have bigger tits.
Kent Ben Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: Well, ironically, I have bigger tits.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: What does Rumpleforeskin want?
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: And what is his son's name? / Prescott. / Prescott. Who does he think he's trying to kid?
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Mike · Selina: Sure. You want me to take out that I worked for you diligently for 20 years? / Diligently? I... I'm not sure I concur with that.
Mike · Selina · Gary: She's gonna get into the school anyway. / She's Asian. / Sure.
Catherine: It's like she doesn't hear me or even see me. And anytime she does, all she cares about is tearing me down, and it's like she's trying to ruin everything.
Therapist · Catherine · Selina: Okay, Catherine, I know I'm not supposed to interrupt you, but do you realize these are the same complaints you've had for 15 years? / Yeah, but they're not exactly the same. I think that things have changed. / Okay, Catherine, sit up. You're slouching. / And what is that on your sweater?
Selina · Amy: What's happening with my wax statue? / Gary and I were able to have you placed on the replica of the Truman Balcony. So, it's very, very high up. And safe. And you are encased in glass from the front and the back... It's very safe.
Selina Amy Running Gag Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Amy: So, people were trying to have sex with my statue. / Yeah. / Domestic terrorism. / Still, it's better than standing next to Gerald Ford.
Selina Amy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Amy · Selina: So, people were trying to have sex with my statue. / Yeah. / Domestic terrorism. / Still, it's better than standing next to Gerald Ford.
Selina · Gary: See, when people get near this, they just wanna do it. / Oh, yeah. / Thank God you're not trying to do me all the time. / Right?
Selina Gary Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Selina · Gary: See, when people get near this, they just wanna do it. / Oh, yeah. / Thank God you're not trying to do me all the time. / Right?
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch 