Georgia

Selina:Selina mispronouncing 'Madloba' repeatedly while the Georgian host corrects her

Selina:Jesus, democracy. What a horror show this is.

Selina:I didn't even know Georgia was a country.

Selina · Petradze:Do you have any water that doesn't come from a nuclear power plant, by any chance? / Vodka. / Okay, sure, fine. Vodka.

Georgian Man:Hello! One day, you can grow up to be president. No, not you. Your brother.

Selina · Petradze:Selina Meyer travels the globe, spreading democracy like patient zero, right, Petradze? / Yes?

Selina:This place sucks my ghost nard.

Selina · Unknown Staff:Why couldn't you have gotten me on an international election watching trip to Hawaii? / Hawaii is rightfully a monarchy and will be again.

Unknown Staff:Did you read the CODEL schedule of official events or were there not enough pictures for you?

Selina · Staff:Ooh, sex trafficking workshop. / It's an anti-sex trafficking workshop. / Lame.

Selina:It's gotta be 8:00 AM somewhere.

Selina:Look at us, just like the good, old days except shittier in every conceivable way.

Mike:Maybe we can win an election for a change. / That came out wrong. / Yeah, way wrong, right?

Unknown Staff:So he's got a goat to scape if things go wrong.

Kent · Unknown:Night and fog. Nacht und Nebel. / Yeah, I haven't missed that.

Selina:Okay, no. I don't get put on hold. Okay? When he comes on, he gets put on hold.

Selina:I just wanted to thank you for all that you've done for me. And I wanna let you know that I will destroy you in ways that are so creative, they will honor me for it at the Kennedy Center.

Selina · Andrew · Staff:Please hold for President Meyer. / Oh, you're putting me on hold. Actually, do you think you could not? / I'm here, I'm here... / Please hold for Secretary Doyle. / God damn it.

Selina:I am gonna find ways to destroy you so hard that everybody at the Kennedy Center is gonna take a fucking massive shit.

Selina · Andrew:So I assume you're gonna beg for your job back. / It's a very kind offer, but I already have a better job working for President Meyer. I thought you knew that.

Selina:I already have 434 brand-new best friends and we're all going to dinner tonight. And you're not invited. Sorry. Congressmen only.

Buddy Calhoun:I got a Georgian SIM card. Got text forwarding. I'll hear from you? All right, later. / I was suffering from dehydration and exhaustion. That's not the Buddy Calhoun I see in the mirror.

Danny:Although, it would be if you stepped out of the shower.

Danny · Amy:Can we roll that video one more time for our audience? / And here's the moment where he exposes himself. / That's right, yes. / Can we play that again?

Danny:In the interest of full disclosure, Ms. Brookheimer and I did have a brief relationship when she was a much younger woman.

Danny · Amy:Ames, who's your favorite character on 'Downton'? / I don't know. Abby, I guess. / Yep.

Doyle/Staff · Selina:He liked to insert in the anus of his opponents. / Yeah, and he did a beautiful rendition of 'Rendition.'

Selina:You have a doctrine now? What is it, 'Boners are rare, don't waste them'?

Selina:Hey, did you think of that while you were walking on the beach with a metal detector or however you fill your empty days?

Selina:Oh, fuck. Minna!

Selina · Minna:You look absolutely radiant. / Oh, thank you. / Yes, your stay in the insane asylum, it's really agreed with you. / It was a spa. / No, no, a spa is where you go to get a massage and the like. You were in an insane asylum.

Minna · Selina:I have such a big day tomorrow because I have an election to supervise. / I know, because I am supervising your supervising.

Gary · Selina:Your bidet is splashy and there's no terry cloth robe or shower cap. / Wait, you tested my bidet?

Gary:Don't worry, I'm gonna fix this before tub time.

Mike:Nobody speaks English here, everything was really confusing to me, and I was chased by children. And I think I may have voted.

Kent:Mike, that is the kind of voting irregularity that we are here to prevent.

Mike · Kent:That sounds bad. Look, please, can you help me get it off? / Unless you want the entire thumb removed with a utility blade, I suggest you find another person.

Richard:Mom, I told you I get more homesick when you call.

Mike:Hi, what do you have that's like SpaghettiOs?

Mike · Gary:I accidentally voted and now my thumb is green. / The same thing happened to me! Oh, my God!

Gary:I went out to get a terry cloth robe and there was this crowd and I asked them where Nordstrom's was and then the next thing I know, they dyed my thumb and an old lady who smelled like cumin wouldn't stop hugging me!

Mike:Mine smelled like paprika.

Mike:I can't afford to lose this job, Gary, but I can't afford to keep it either. I mean, it's so expensive to commute from DC. And I haven't been paid yet.

Selina:Okay, I never ever wanna see the inside of your mouth again. Okay? It looks like a Haitian porta-potty in there.

Minna · Selina:Just a spoonful of this caviar will pay for a wind turbine for a whole village. / Yeah, but do we really want these people to have electricity?

Selina:Have you imprisoned any good novelists recently?

Murman · Minna · Selina:I was sorry to see that your forceful condemnation did not do more to stop the recent genocide in the Congo. / Maybe next genocide. / Or the one after that.

Ben · Murman:The only reason he hasn't been dragged naked through the streets and hung upside down from a lamp post with his cock stuffed in his mouth is because he took my advice from time to time. / Guilty as charged.

Murman:Look, I saw your last election. No, thank you.

Selina:I cannot possibly accept that. [beat] I mean, even the appearance of a quid pro quo...

Murman · Selina:I trust I have made myself suitably clear. / As clear as the coffee table Danny Thomas had his hookers shit on.

Catherine · Unknown:Your mother just added democracy to the foundation. So, now it's the Selina Meyer Foundation for Adult Literacy, Aids... / And the Advancement of Global Democracy.

Catherine · Dan:Marjorie and I have decided that we wanna have a baby, and we'd like to do it... / I will give you my sperm. / Oh, great!

Catherine · Dan:Is there anything else that you wanna talk about? / I'm good. / Well, we'll send you the details. And if you could not ejaculate for the next 72 hours, that would be ideal.

Dan:Could we start the clock in, like, 30 minutes? / Yeah, I guess so. / Actually, no. Make it 40. The girl I'm thinking of likes to talk first. / Amber, it's Dan-Dan. You in midtown?

Ben:That's keep a lot of docents in Rockports.

Ben:I'd kill for a job where I could wear flats all day.

Selina · Ben:I cannot lose my integrity. Without that, I am nothing. / How would we make sure no one finds out about the cash?

Selina · Ben/Kent:What about Georgian law? / There is literally no Georgian law. And I'm using 'literally' correctly.

Selina:See, at least when I was leader of the free world, people told me what to do.

Selina · Minna:I was thinking, Minna, would it be that bad if Murman actually did win? / Well, that depends how you define bad.

Selina:I think Murman is really good people. Honestly. And he's a hell of a storyteller. Really. You know, you could actually learn something from him, Minna.

Minna · Selina:He has the soul of a poet. / Yeah, that and a car with a sunroof could've bought you my virginity in '83.

Minna · Selina:You were 22? / No, I was 15 in 1983. / Right. / Well, I was, Minna. / Right. / That's great.

Minna · Selina:Did I tell you that my son Otto tried to commit suicide and that he is now not speaking to me? / Did he throw himself from a moving town car?

Minna · Selina:No. No, he weighted his boots and he jumped into an ice hole. / I'm so sorry, into what? / Into an ice hole. Like a hole they cut in the ice... / Ah. / ...for fishing. / Right. / That makes sense.

Selina · Minna · Unknown:I wonder how much longer it is to get to the hotel. / I'm not really sure... / I think it's another 45, 50 minutes. / Oh, my God.

Buddy Calhoun:Ooh, clink, clink. Hey, Pinocchios. Your noses must've been really tiny yesterday because you lied and now they're normal-sized.

Buddy Calhoun:By I, I mean the people of New Hampshire. In the immortal words of will.i.am, 'Tonight's gonna be really great!'

Selina:The furniture scene: 'Pick up your fucking chairs!' — Selina or aide screaming as a piece of furniture ends up somewhere absurd in the hotel.

Selina:Fuck. / Are you fucking...?! / That's where that goes? / Pick up your fucking chairs!

Selina · Unknown:Oh, she's kissing it. / Well, that's why we moisturize.

Nikolai · Selina:Oh, may I say that the reports of your beauty have not been exaggerated. / Well, back at you, red.

Ben:Ben about Nikolai: 'As long as the check clears.'

Selina:Who needs all that champagne when you can have all these different kinds of wallpaper?

Minna · Selina:Selina, you see right through me. / What? / It's because we are close as sisters. / No, we're not.

Minna · Selina · Ben:Nikolai and I are not only bound by mutual respect and shared beliefs. We are also bound by powerful physical attraction. / Oof. / You gotta be kidding. / We are, in fact, lovers. / Lovers. / Lovers. / With Scab Calloway?

Minna · Selina:His very touch makes me quiver. / Okay, and now we get to eat food.

Nikolai · Selina:Eat it. / What? / Eat the soup. / Why? / Because I'm hungry. / I need to know if it's been poisoned.

Selina · Nikolai:It's delicious. / Okay. / Is there anything happening to me? / I don't think so. / Oh, it has carrots in it. I'm not gonna eat that.

Nikolai · Selina:I have been reliably told that war criminal Murman had the audacity to offer you a $10 million bribe. / Okay, well, that is ridiculous. / I agree. It is so much less than you are worth.

Selina · Nikolai:How dare you, sir! I will remind you that I am the former president of the United States. You have lost a great deal of face in my estimation. / What I meant to say, of course, is I would like to make a $15 million donation to your library.

Selina:Well, that is something we can discuss as long as we understand that there is, in fact, no understanding.

Nikolai:In reality, although I teach at the university and lead the opposition party, I control a telecommunication monopoly and own the most popular soccer team, the Tbilisi Bauxite Miners.

Nikolai · Selina:If you told him that rava ganavlis was chakapuli, he would eat it up and ask for seconds. / I can only hope that rava ganavlis is human shit. / It is actually what you vomit after eating shit.

Nikolai:I like you, dimples.

Nikolai:Nikolai: 'I like you, dimples.'

Richard · Buddy:This is fucking beast! / It's very interesting. / Hey, put that on. All the cool guys wear the band's T-shirt. / You know, the band's name translates to Panzer Division. / What?

Ryan · Unnamed Congressman:Ryan and the congressman slowly backing out of the Panzer Division concert: 'I think maybe we should leave.' / 'Uh-huh.' / 'Excuse us. Pardon me.'

Minna · Selina:The poison? It did not engorge only his face, if you know what I mean. / I think I do. / It also engorged his penis and made it very unusual texture of sea cucumber, so it's great for vaginal orgasms.

Minna · Selina:Minna to Selina: 'Can I be uncharacteristically blunt with you?' / Selina: 'I can't imagine what that...' — then Minna reveals Nikolai's poisoned genitals.

Minna · Selina:Which do you prefer, vaginal or clitoral orgasms? / You know, I just come and get it over with. / You can come just from your mind?

Selina · Minna:What can I do to get you to stop talking? / Now? / Well, you have to walk 25 miles for breast cancer and attend a WNBA game, but I think we're gonna be okay.

Buddy Calhoun:Amy, that morning when I heard you say that you were happiest curled up next to me eating popcorn and watching 'Downton Abbey' I figured it all out.

Buddy · Amy:Buddy Calhoun announces he's withdrawing from the governor's race because of 'the love of the wonderful woman who has agreed to be my wife' — Amy, who had no idea this was coming.

Buddy:Amy, that morning when I heard you say that you were happiest curled up next to me eating popcorn and watching 'Downton Abbey' I figured it all out. The next governor of Nevada, Buddy Calhoun!

Buddy Calhoun · Crowd:I need to get out of this toxic world of politics and start to appreciate the things that really do matter in life. / No, Buddy! / Like the love of the wonderful woman who has agreed to be my wife.

Selina · Ben:Murman's leading by more votes than there are people in the country. / Yeah, maybe he's bussing them in from Chicago.

Selina:This election's going down like Eleanor Roosevelt at Dinah Shore Weekend.

Selina · Gary:Well, do I work for you? Just answer it. / Okay. / Right?

Selina:Well, do I work for you? Just answer it.

Gary · Selina · Mike:Please hold. It was an accident. / Mike voted, too, Mike voted, too. / What?! / I can't believe you! / Stop it. / You two ding-dongs look like you fingered the Incredible Hulk.

Murman · Selina:Madam President, let me tell you little story about growing up in the Gurjaani countryside. / You thought you caught a fish, it turned out to be a tire. The tire was full of fish. It's a great story. It's a very valuable lesson, but I really gotta go. / 20 million.

Selina:Well, Murman, that is a big tire with a fuckload of fish in it.

Selina · Murman:Murman: '20 million.' / Selina: 'Well, Murman, that is a big tire with a fuckload of fish in it.'

Selina · Ben · Andrew/Kent:How much? / 20 million. / Yahtzee. / I mean, they're both crooks. / What's the difference? / $5 million. / Exactly.

Selina · Minna:Well, that is very strong language, Minna. / Yes. / Yes, and I wonder if we might phrase it a different way. / For instance, perhaps we would say there have been certain irregularities in this election. / Yes! / And that is not uncommon for a young democracy. / Yes. / And, therefore, we believe that Murman is the uncontested winner. / Now, are you aware that that is the exact opposite of what you said just a moment ago? / Yes. / But I've had time to reflect since that moment.

Selina:My concern is I wonder if your judgment is being clouded by your feelings that are brought on by Nikolai's lumpy poison cock.

Minna · Selina · Ben:Oh, my God. Well... I will recuse myself. Immediately, I will resign. / No, no, no, let's not overreact. Just take a deep breath, Minna. You're just in the middle of what we in America call... / A difficult situation. / ...a fuck fog.

Selina · Someone · Selina:You're just in the middle of what we in America call... — A difficult situation. — ...a fuck fog.

Minna · Selina:Yeah, in Finland, we call this the fever of the sausage. / Okay, so, then you get it.

Minna · Selina:You won't tell anyone, Selina? / Thank you so much. You are such a good friend. / Oh, well... / Sometimes I don't feel worthy of this friendship. / Mm, well, sometimes I feel that way, too.

Selina:I mean, honestly, that is the most grotesque country I have ever been to and I have been all over Florida.

Selina · Mike · Gary:...seized by military elements loyal to Oleg Petradze. / Wait a minute, is that our guide? / I think that's the guy I voted for.

Selina · Unknown · Gary:Wow, that's like Gary becoming president. / From the tea party. / No. / Oh, yeah, that is funny.

Selina:'Murman's gonna have a lot of great stories to tell the firing squad.'

Unknown · Richard:Yeah, that's worth about $20 million. / Well, actually, since the coup, there's been a slight dip in the exchange rate. It's now worth approximately $389,000. Way to go, ma'am.

Aide · Selina:The $20 million Georgian AIDS foundation donation — received the previous night — is now worth approximately $389,000 due to the coup-devalued exchange rate.

Selina:All I did was stay focused on one simple goal... to free the peoples of the world from totalitarianism through open and free and transparent elections. And that, in a nutshell, is what I call the Meyer Doctrine.