Selina attends the opening of President Hughes' library. Jonah gets advice on how to rise in the political ranks; Dan suffers through Jane's whims; Amy releases a negative attack ad.
Political chaos sustains 72 jokes across 44 minutes despite zero standout punchlines.
Directed by Craig Zisk · Written by Alex Gregory, Peter Huyck
WAR
186.8
Wins Above Replacement
“Library” ranks #14 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 96.4 — Elite. The episode packs 119 scored jokes at 3.0 per minute, averaging 7.7 on craft and 7.5 on impact, with Selina Meyer landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Selina's phone (reading texts) · Andrew: Second message: 'You came so much. Andrew, we ruined your wife's pretty office chair. I get so hot thinking of the president sitting in our love puddle. Call me after the fundraiser.' / That was a long one. She must be at a light.
Staffer · Selina Meyer: David Sloane, hedge fund manager. He's in for a million. 1.5 if we can get his dyslexic daughter into Smith. / Well, maybe get her to write the check. Get 5.1 out of him.
Staffer · Selina Meyer · Staffer · Selina Meyer: Well, we could had we paid her. / Who was in charge of that? / Andrew. / Okay, well, fucked again by the First Chubby.
Selina Meyer: Well, I guess AIDS had a good run.
Selina Meyer: Andrew is very hard to get rid of. He's like the herpes virus or an unwanted child. In this case, he gave me both.
All Jokes — 119 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Selina Meyer · Gary: President Stevenson encounter at Hughes library — Selina and Gary's panicked 'Oh my God' chorus upon seeing another former president
Selina Meyer: Can you even have a library? Seems like it'd be more like a bookmobile.
Selina Meyer: If only the American people could've known you for your sense of humor instead of your bizarre indifference to apartheid.
Gary · Selina Meyer: Gary produces a random purse claiming it's a picture of Selina he was tasked to find
Selina Meyer: How they 'Jewed him down,' as Mother used to say when she wasn't busy telling me he only picked me as a running mate so that he could look taller.
Gary · Selina Meyer: Oh, my God. Supermodels are your height. / It doesn't matter. She's dead. Who cares?
Selina Meyer: Unlike small-town America, Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy.
Selina Meyer: No Mrs. Hughes. She must be hanging from the rafters somewhere.
Selina Meyer: Former fuckers. This is as impromptu as a colonoscopy except with quadruple the assholes.
Selina Meyer · Richard · Gary: Richard, you slow down. It'll look like I'm not running. Gary, you go fast. [beat] Oh, no, that's too fast.
Selina Meyer: I want a goddamn 'look at the size of my dick,' 'bring history to life' presidential library.
Gary · Selina Meyer: Because you served less than one year? / No. Because nobody gives me any respect.
Selina Meyer · Gary: I was a two-term senator. I was a congresswoman. A mother. / No! I was the first woman vice president.
Selina Meyer · Gary: Never forget. / Oh, sorry, that's the Holocaust.
Selina Meyer · Gary: I need a monument to Selina Meyer. An institution. / Selina Meyer belongs in an institution.
Unknown staffer: It was a spa.
Selina Meyer: I wanna talk to every Tom, Dick, and Gehry out there.
Selina Meyer: Kennedy Library is a reference point 'cause, you know, he was also a part-termer.
Furlong: That sweaty pederast has ruined more kids than the Common Core.
Furlong Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm Will: I'm fortunate to be odious to all colors of the sexual spectrum.
Will Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Furlong: So, what is it? Speak, Professor X-Gayvier.
Furlong Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Furlong: Yeah, let me save you the peanut log you're about to squeeze out of your face anus here... no.
Furlong Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Furlong: You remain in detention on the Ethics Committee with the rest of the special ed Breakfast Club.
Furlong Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Furlong: Dismissed, GI Slow.
Furlong Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Will · Furlong: I'm free Saturday night. / I am shocked.
Furlong: Good luck getting your precious back from those mean hobbits, Sméagol.
Furlong Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Will · Kent: I, uh... I'm so sorry, but, you know, a job's a job. / That's a false equivalence, but I appreciate the sentiment.
Will Kent Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Helen (painter) · Selina Meyer: Ma'am, could you please stop dancing? 'Cause I'm just... I'm framing out your dress right now. / You know, you're using an awful lot of paint for down there. Maybe use it for up here and focus on this.
Selina Meyer: Well, I guess AIDS had a good run.
Staffer · Selina Meyer: Pakistani industrialist friend who's interested in donating $20 million if you get his cousin off the no-fly list. / As long as he promises not to blow up my library, I mean, I don't really give a shit.
Richard: I've been standing here the entire time, ma'am. Just trying to keep still in case I'm in the painting.
Richard Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina Meyer: I really wanna have a reflecting pool someplace for people to come and sit and reflect on what this cocksuck of a country did to me.
Richard: My pen's just out of ink. I'm gonna scratch it into the paper and then kind of go back over and trace over and see what I wrote before, like in a suspense movie.
Staffer: They said the Sherman Tanz pardon was unsavory and not in line with the values of Yale. Then they asked for a donation to their annual fund.
Selina Meyer: Just like a Smith girl, open to exploring. / Lesbians would really know how to run a library.
Selina Meyer · Gary · Unknown staffer · Selina Meyer: Fuck Yale University. / Fuck Yale. / I'm not really comfortable with that kind of language. / Fuck Yale University.
Mike · Ellen (Mike's daughter) · Selina Meyer · Gary: Mike can't find his daughter Ellen — 'I'm here, Mike! I'm going to hide again!' / How the fuck long was that kid here for? / I think just since today, but I can't be sure.
Jane: I'm sure that there are some bored housewives out there that would enjoy ogling your Walter Cronkite, but to me, it looks like local morning news from, I don't know, Delaware.
Jane Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Unknown: No, it's so Delaware.
Unknown Deadpan/Understatement Running Gag Callback Danny · Jane: 'Not the best fit' the piece or 'not the best fit' you and me? / Mostly the piece.
Jonah Ryan: I am a balling bachelor sexual congressman, and I will be passing bills by day and smashing gash by night.
Kent: Congressman, being a bachelor in this town means you're gayer than a TV evangelist.
Kent Irony/Sarcasm Deadpan/Understatement Jonah Ryan: God damn it! I hate homophobia.
Kent: Statistically speaking, married politicians have more sex with more single women than single politicians.
Kent Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jonah Ryan: Fine. Find me Mrs. Ryan. / Okay. / Not my mom.
Amy Brookheimer: Watching the Nevada candidate Buddy Calhoun cry on video: 'He's crying. Haha, what a fucking girl!'
Amy Brookheimer: Oh, what did you envision, Woody, that you and Buzz Lightyear would win this election and Andy would play with you again?
Dan/Danny: All right, hit 'POTUS SUV.' Now select playlist. And voila.
Staffer · Selina Meyer · Gary: Also, estimates for construction are coming in at $300 million. / What? / The money's out there. We just can't get our hands on it right now.
Selina Meyer · Gary · Staffer · Selina Meyer · Staffer: Can we reallocate some of the money from the Meyer Fund to the library? / Absolutely, yes. / That's actually a felony. / So, we just tell them that we have it all... And then we just shuffle papers around until it looks like we actually do. / That's also a felony.
Kent: In order to find an ideal match, the restaurant, table, food, and time will be the same for every date to establish a control. The girl will be different.
Kent Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Dan/Danny: Jesus, Kent. He's just gotta go to a Laundromat, meet a girl, take her to a movie, a little chit-chat, couple-three drinks, standard hayjay in the cab home, and a year later, he's a father.
Dan/Danny Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Dan/Danny: One time, I tried hitting on a girl at a Laundromat. For somebody with broken English, she was real uppity.
Kent: Every potential mate has been preselected from the online dating pool of DC women ages 25 to 30 with a strong interest in marriage to you in particular.
Kent Character Comedy Absurdist Jonah Ryan · Kent: Son of a bitch. I'm gonna go broke paying for all those dates. / Unlikely. There's only four.
Smith College President: I think that title is a bit of a word salad. Maybe trim that last part about women.
Smith College President · Selina Meyer · Staffer: And of course you would be offered a full tenured professorship. / Oh, now, would that mean I would have... Teach? Oh, no. God, no. Because my schedule... / Your schedule... / is just constantly... / in flux. / fucked.
Smith College President · Selina Meyer: Chardonnay on the quad after Julia Child Day? / You know what, I'm strictly a scotch girl and I always have been, so I never really experimented... with Chardonnay.
Smith College President · Selina Meyer: I don't think I was confused. / Good for you.
Gary: Not that it matters, but as a nephew of a survivor of the Holocaust... Sherman Tanz is particularly sensitive to prison conditions. And he is intimately involved with every aspect of his company. Now, that being said, he had no idea what was going on.
Gary Irony/Sarcasm Escalation Gary: He immediately fired the number five man in charge as well as a couple of sixes.
Gary Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina Meyer: Sadly, it's what I've come to expect from the gatekeepers of this patriarchal... 'phallus quo.'
Selina Meyer · Smith student: I apologize. / Phallus!
Smith student: That's our first woman president, y'all! Yeah, holla, holla, holla.
Selina Meyer: I hope one of them is changing out of that shroud of urine.
Andrew · Selina Meyer · Andrew · Selina Meyer: Wear something tight. / Huh? / That's not for them, that's for me. / Oh, you are bad!
Selina Meyer · Catherine · Selina Meyer: Remember in seventh grade when you ran away? You were crying and crying 'cause you wanted Daddy and I to get back together. / Then you sent me to etiquette camp. / Yes, where you learned to interrupt, evidently.
Catherine · Selina Meyer · Gary · Selina Meyer: Marjorie and I are having a baby. / What? / This is wonderful, wonderful news. / Wait a minute, what? One of you is pregnant?
Gary: If Catherine's uterus is as loamy as the doctor says, you're gonna be a grand... ma'am.
Gary Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Selina Meyer: But I'm only 49.
Andrew · Selina Meyer: Hey, just so you guys know, you gotta be careful with sperm banks. Did you hear about the one in Georgia? Turns out the guy was actually a mentally ill felon. / Oh, my God. Can you imagine having a baby in Georgia?
Andrew: Why don't you use Gary's sperm? It's just sitting there gathering dust.
Andrew Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Jonah's date · Jonah Ryan · Jonah's date · Jonah Ryan: Do you know how they remove a cancerous testicle? [explanation of the surgical procedure] Oh, and I know what you're thinking. The one that I still have, like, it works just fine. / Of course. / All right, so who's hungry?
Jonah's date · Jonah Ryan · Jonah's date: Dessert, then. I got a sweet tooth. / Okay. / Question... do you have any current pictures of your mother? I'm gonna need both front and rear.
Jonah's date: Oh, the bathrooms are that way.
Staffer · Selina Meyer: David Sloane, hedge fund manager. He's in for a million. 1.5 if we can get his dyslexic daughter into Smith. / Well, maybe get her to write the check. Get 5.1 out of him.
Selina's phone · Andrew · Andrew: You have three text messages from Helen Wright. / Is that my phone? / No, my pants didn't vibrate.
Selina's phone (reading texts): Message number one: 'I can still taste you in my mouth from last night.'
Andrew: That's probably to her boyfriend. I imagine she's texting while riding her bicycle and sent it to me by mistake.
Andrew Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina's phone (reading texts) · Andrew: Second message: 'You came so much. Andrew, we ruined your wife's pretty office chair. I get so hot thinking of the president sitting in our love puddle. Call me after the fundraiser.' / That was a long one. She must be at a light.
Andrew · Selina Meyer: Look, Lee... / Not one fucking word.
Gary: Gary attacking Andrew — 'I will kill you in your face!'
Gary Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Donor · Selina Meyer: So, luckily, the doctors were able to remove the mass without a full mastectomy, so I got to keep my nipple. Whoo-hoo, right? / I'm gonna go ahead and be honest with you. That was the most disgusting story I've ever heard. Now I can't... I can't finish my chicken piccata.
Selina Meyer: Andrew is very hard to get rid of. He's like the herpes virus or an unwanted child. In this case, he gave me both.
Selina Meyer: Well, Amy Brookheimer just hung up on me. Doesn't get lower than that, does it?
Catherine · Selina Meyer · Catherine · Selina Meyer · Selina Meyer: I just didn't wanna tell you 'I told you so,' but... / Because you didn't. / Okay. / Right? You just rolled your eyes like the world's bitchiest mime. Like you just did right there. / And there it is again, see?
Selina Meyer · Catherine · Selina Meyer · Gary: God, I'm really starting to understand this whole lesbian thing now. / Glad you're coming around. / I'm just getting drunk here on Gary's great bourbon from his inbred backwoods family. / What? There is zero inbreeding in my family. And only case of schizophrenia, but my uncle-grandpa had her sterilized, and we are all good...
Selina Meyer: Now he's just going on and on for no apparent reason.
Selina Meyer: Listen, honey, I want you to tell your whore of a father that I fired the art skank.
Gary · Selina Meyer: Ma'am, you are unstable and manipulative, and I worry about the genes you'll pass down to your child... but your ex is worse. / I appreciate that. Means a lot.
Selina Meyer · Gary · Selina Meyer · Gary · Selina Meyer · Gary: You're like a son to me. / Thank you, ma'am. / You can call me 'Mom.' / Thank you, Mom. / Except, you know, it doesn't quite sound right, you know, when you hear it out loud. / So, let's just stick with the ma'am.
Selina Meyer: And I want all the touch screens to say that they're powered by my clean energy initiative 'cause those ecotards love that shit.
Selina Meyer · Staffer: She's telling the world about how she was blowing Andrew in my office chair?! / No, ma'am, it's mostly about how Andrew pursued her, how she's the victim, how she lost her job, and then there's this nickname stuff.
Gary Walsh · Selina Meyer: All right, your fly is down. / What? / And both of your shoes are untied. / How did that happen? / I got one theory.
Staffer · Selina Meyer · Gary: Apparently, Andrew kept referring to his penis as the 'First Chubby.' / Oof. / Oh, God.
Staffer · Selina Meyer · Staffer · Selina Meyer: Well, we could had we paid her. / Who was in charge of that? / Andrew. / Okay, well, fucked again by the First Chubby.
Gary · Selina Meyer · Gary: And both of your shoes are untied. / How did that happen? / I got one theory.
Selina Meyer · Gary: I'm the only one who didn't do anything wrong in this 'trifuckta.' And now I'm wearing the scarlet letter? / Oh, that is your color.
Selina Meyer · Helen Wright protester · Selina Meyer: I think that we are both victims... / How the fuck can you say that?! / I can say that...
Danny Egan: And speaking of politics, he's 28 feet tall and only bathes once a year. That's right, Jane. The Lincoln Memorial has been undergoing its annual cleaning.
Danny Egan: Wrap that wire around my neck until I'm dead.
Smith College President · Selina Meyer: I don't like the word shrill because it's so misogynistic, but in this case... / Believe me, I understand. I mean, there isn't a tampon in the world big enough to soak up that mess out there, my God.
Smith College President · Selina Meyer: Selina, we have to put the library on hold. / What?! / Because of those 18-year-old bitches out there?!
Selina Meyer: No, that's like Princess Di hiring Camilla Parker Bowles to be her limo driver. I mean, I'm just... you know, although in that case, it would've worked out better for her, obviously, but...
Selina Meyer · Smith College President: why don't you and I go out to dinner, okay, and if we... if we need more time, you know, let's go back to my hotel and we can have that Chardonnay... / I'm in a committed relationship.
Selina Meyer: Yeah, I really, honestly... I have no idea what you're talking about. You're just, like...
Buddy Calhoun · Amy Brookheimer: I can't believe I spent the night in jail. It's a piddly DUI. In Nevada, that's practically a resume builder. There's a guy driving drunk on the state flag right next to the guy beating his wife. / No, it's a five-pointed star.
Amy Brookheimer: Hey, hobos, get off the Internet. This isn't the library.
Buddy Calhoun: Dashcam footage: 'Ooh, easy! Easy, pretty lady. What, are you on the rag?' ... 'Oh, you're all hot and juicy now. I bet if I take you home to bed, you're just gonna lie there with your BlackBerry and no dirty talk for Uncle Buddy then.'
Buddy Calhoun: You know, I blacked out. I... I don't remember any of that. Okay? Can I count on your vote?
Dan/Danny · Kristal: I love Sting's solo stuff. Say your favorite album on three. One, two, three... / 'Soul Cages.' / Come on, get out of here! / Stop it. / Are you serious? / What else is it gonna be?
Dan/Danny · Kristal: You have a rockin' body. You know, go ahead and order a dessert. I know you had an appetizer... / Oh, I'm not a dessert kind of girl.
Jonah Ryan: This predator has roofied more women than Kappa Alpha Cosby. Okay, that's not an actual fraternity.
Jonah Ryan · Kristal · Jonah Ryan · Kristal · Dan/Danny: So, unless you enjoy the thrill of waking up in a basement torture dungeon... / No. / I'd say call it a night. / You know, maybe I should go. / Kristal, it's fine. It's just an unfinished basement, and he's just fucking with you.
Dan/Danny: This is for trapping me in a job that makes me long for the days of Selina Meyer. And I'm gonna fuck your girlfriend.
Helen (painter) · Selina Meyer: I'm sorry, could you move your head a little bit more to the light, ma'am? / Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.
Staffer · Selina Meyer: Smith is a no. / Well, you can pack up your crayons and get the fuck out of here.
Buddy Calhoun: If there's one thing I learned in the Air National Guard, it is respect for a woman in uniform. I have no hate in my heart. I love women, especially my beautiful fiancée, Amy.
Buddy Calhoun: Heavenly Father, warden of eternal light, teach us to love women, but in a way that is respectful. And also, Your compassion. And amen.