Library

Oh, my God. Gary. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

If this were my library, I would make sure the people could sit behind the desk. Can you even have a library? Seems like it'd be more like a bookmobile.

If only the American people could've known you for your sense of humor instead of your bizarre indifference to apartheid.

How they 'Jewed him down,' as Mother used to say when she wasn't busy telling me he only picked me as a running mate so that he could look taller.

Supermodels are your height. It doesn't matter. She's dead. Who cares?

Unlike small-town America, Andrew fucks me in a way I really enjoy.

No Mrs. Hughes. She must be hanging from the rafters somewhere.

This is as impromptu as a colonoscopy except with quadruple the assholes.

Are we running from something scary, ma'am? No. Richard, you slow down. It'll look like I'm not running. Gary, you go fast. Yep! Oh, no, that's too fast.

I want a goddamn 'look at the size of my dick,' 'bring history to life' presidential library.

Because you served less than one year? No. Because nobody gives me any respect.

Never forget. Oh, sorry, that's the Holocaust. Totally forgot.

I need a monument to Selina Meyer. An institution. Selina Meyer belongs in an institution.

I wanna talk to every Tom, Dick, and Gehry out there.

Maybe a female candidate. Well, we're not redoing a kitchen, here, you know?

'cause, you know, he was also a part-termer.

That sweaty pederast has ruined more kids than the Common Core.

Luckily, Will's anal halitosis renders him completely unbouffable.

I'm fortunate to be odious to all colors of the sexual spectrum.

So, what is it? Speak, Professor X-Gayvier.

let me save you the peanut log you're about to squeeze out of your face anus here... no.

You remain in detention on the Ethics Committee with the rest of the special ed Breakfast Club.

Good luck getting your precious back from those mean hobbits, Sméagol.

That's a false equivalence, but I appreciate the sentiment.

Maybe use it for up here and focus on this. Oh, yeah, let's give the people what they want.

Well, I guess AIDS had a good run.

As long as he promises not to blow up my library, I mean, I don't really give a shit.

I really wanna have a reflecting pool someplace for people to come and sit and reflect on what this cocksuck of a country did to me.

I'm gonna scratch it into the paper and then kind of go back over and trace over and see what I wrote before, like in a suspense movie.

They said the Sherman Tanz pardon was unsavory and not in line with the values of Yale. Then they asked for a donation to their annual fund.

Just like a Smith girl, open to exploring.

I'm not really comfortable with that kind of language.

Oh, shit! Oh, my God. No, no, we're not hiding anymore. Oh, she's too much! How the fuck long was that kid here for?

I'm sure that there are some bored housewives out there that would enjoy ogling your Walter Cronkite, but to me, it looks like local morning news from, I don't know, Delaware.

Wives in this town make the social calendar. Mrs. Furlong likes inviting couples, not unregistered sex offenders.

I am a balling bachelor sexual congressman, and I will be passing bills by day and smashing gash by night.

Congressman, being a bachelor in this town means you're gayer than a TV evangelist.

statistically speaking, married politicians have more sex with more single women than single politicians.

Oh, what did you envision, Woody, that you and Buzz Lightyear would win this election and Andy would play with you again?

He's just gotta go to a Laundromat, meet a girl, take her to a movie, a little chit-chat, couple-three drinks, standard hayjay in the cab home, and a year later, he's a father.

We had to extend to the greater Baltimore, Arlington, Alexandria area to find them. Well, we got a 'maybe' in Delaware. She's waiting to see your hair grow back.

Flux. That's what I said. Did you wanna hang that? Yeah. Great. Wow! I just... I can't believe it. Look at us.

You know what, I'm strictly a scotch girl and I always have been, so I never really experimented... with Chardonnay.

Sherman Tanz is particularly sensitive to prison conditions. And he is intimately involved with every aspect of his company. Now, that being said, he had no idea what was going on.

phallus quo

Wait a minute, what? One of you is pregnant? Congratulations. So, which one of you is the carrier?

Oh, my God. Can you imagine having a baby in Georgia?

Why don't you use Gary's sperm? It's just sitting there gathering dust.

Hey, do you know how they remove a cancerous testicle? No. A lot of people think that they just slice one off, right? What they really do is they make an incision just a little bit further up, and they go in and they grab the testicle, and they pull it out of the scrotum and out through the body.

1.5 if we can get his dyslexic daughter into Smith. Well, maybe get her to write the check. Get 5.1 out of him.

People are gonna think you're the hot, young babysitter. No, they won't. Like we played last night. Oh, my God. Stop it, Mr. Meyer.

Message number one... 'I can still taste you in my mouth from last night.' Boy, we should not be listening to that. That's probably to her boyfriend. I imagine she's texting while riding her bicycle and sent it to me by mistake.

Second message... 'You came so much. Andrew, we ruined your wife's pretty office chair. I get so hot thinking of the president sitting in our love puddle. Call me after the fundraiser.'

That was a long one. She must be at a light.

You are the devil! You are the fucking devil! Gary! Stop! Gary! I swear to God! I will kill you in your face! Stop it!

So, luckily, the doctors were able to remove the mass without a full mastectomy, so I got to keep my nipple. Whoo-hoo, right?

Andrew is very hard to get rid of. He's like the herpes virus or an unwanted child. In this case, he gave me both.

Right? You just rolled your eyes like the world's bitchiest mime.

And only case of schizophrenia, but my uncle-grandpa had her sterilized, and we are all good...

Listen, honey, I want you to tell your whore of a father that I fired the art skank.

Ma'am, you are unstable and manipulative, and I worry about the genes you'll pass down to your child... but your ex is worse.

Apparently, Andrew kept referring to his penis as the 'First Chubby.'

Okay, well, fucked again by the First Chubby.

I'm the only one who didn't do anything wrong in this 'trifuckta.'

Oh, that is your color.

What am I supposed to do, rehire Frida Swallow?

That's like Princess Di hiring Camilla Parker Bowles to be her limo driver. I mean, I'm just... you know, although in that case, it would've worked out better for her, obviously, but...

I can't believe I spent the night in jail. It's a piddly DUI. In Nevada, that's practically a resume builder. There's a guy driving drunk on the state flag right next to the guy beating his wife.

You wanna see my big, blue balls? This is them!

This predator has roofied more women than Kappa Alpha Cosby.

Well, you can pack up your crayons and get the fuck out of here.

If there's one thing I learned in the Air National Guard, it is respect for a woman in uniform. I have no hate in my heart. I love women, especially my beautiful fiancée, Amy.