Omaha

Well, this last year has been fun. You know, really fun. I mean, I'm not gonna lie. You know, to have gotten so close to the presidency and then have the American people and Congress reject me was, um... was devastating.

But, um... I did reacquaint myself with an old friend of mine by the name of Selina Meyer. And I like her.

Campaign starts right now, because we are going to make Buddy Calhoun the next governor of this dried coyote turd of a state.

saddle up those emphysema tanks, you inbred cousin-fuckers, 'cause we are going to drag this state into the 20th century. That's right, I said 20th.

Meyer years... Year.

I'm really much more focused on the tapestry itself... the weave, the thread count, the old lady at the loom...

Without him, we don't have a Chinaman's chance.

No, no, no. It's okay. My wife is Oriental. All of them have been. I kind of got yellow 'fev-ah.'

many of them adults, who never learned to read, which is a tragedy.

And AIDS. Wow. Yes, AIDS. AIDS is a big part of the tapestry.

Dessert is an apple. I mean, it's no wonder kids are shooting up schools with lunches like these.

The only green bean I ate was a green jelly bean and I grew up to be so tall, my stupid mom had to get a different car.

I will fight against green beans the same way that I fought against my deadly disease called cancer.

Yeah, well, I think sometimes people forget that I was the first female president. Before Montez.

I didn't really get a chance to see it because I was... I was out of the country.

'Cause I've heard she's a complete gash and a half. Yeah, she really is. Yeah.

On the Anni-fucking-versary of the historic House vote. I feel like we're celebrating my frat house gang rape.

Except I didn't even get a candlelight vigil. I love candles.

About the gang bang thing?

I didn't actually watch the interview, but everybody's talking about how gorgeous you looked.

I look forward seeing you in your entirety a little later.

Do you know what the chief agricultural product of my district in Ohio is? I'll give you a hint... looks like Will's wife's clit.

That's why I spent two months jamming them into that school lunch bill like what, Will? Like me jamming anonymous trucker cock in my mouth at a public restroom well known for that purpose.

You want me to call a Japanese porn shoot, see if I can get you a real job sponging up bukkake parties?

I mean, whose balls did I twerk to end up here, in the Triangle Shirtwaist offices?

this is the worst place they've ever stuffed an ex-president, and I'm including JFK's coffin.

You know what being an ex-president is like? It's like being a man's nipple. People go right by it to jerk off a dick.

it's cha-king. No, it's cha-king.

I didn't know you were gonna give me AIDS.

Who are you, Ronald Reagan?

I have AIDS now. That's hilarious. I don't get it.

there's an old Chippewa saying, 'The 'coyotay' always howls...' I'm not that interested in what the 'coyotay' has to say unless he's writing me a check.

Fuck my face!

Yeah, probably wrecked their careers, too.

I will not work for less than 87 cents on the dollar.

Hey, Andrew, I don't care if it's a punch in my big, hairy dick. Okay? Go!

Tell them I'll jump out of a cake with tassels on my sagging tits!

My guess is if you gave her a rail to snort off your dick, she would let you fuck the hole in her septum.

Just do 'cock whore.'

Those people really make me laugh.

what was the name of that Iranian trade minister? Gerard Hojati.

Two eggs, hard scrambled. Red pepper strips? No, no, no, no, no. Not what you ate, Mike.

I thought I'd never work again. [...] Me, too!

That's my daughter, ma'am.

Omaha is a 20-minute drive right across the border to Council Bluffs, Iowa... where they have their annual Madison Monroe dinner.

Why would I need your fucking vote? You wouldn't. What a crazy idea.

I'm gonna run for president again.

I even got four and a half pity handies out of it, so I kept shaving.

you human fucking Pap smear.

Just because I look like a penis.

Yeah, but I didn't expect anybody to object, did I? This was a test, folks, and you all failed.

He can read the newspaper on the toilet by the light of his own shit.

You know, maybe if we teach them how to read a condom wrapper, they wouldn't get AIDS in the first place.