East Wing

Selina · staffer:Did he dye his mustache? / Holy shit, he dyed his mustache.

staffer:It's vanity. He's the TV face of the administration. But he's glued Cheetos to that face.

staffer · Selina:He looks like Yosemite Sam. Yeah, without the credibility.

staffer:He's gonna get his tits done next.

Sean · Mike:She's outlasted William Henry Harrison, our shortest serving president. / She feels great, unlike President Harrison who contracted pneumonia during his inaugural address and died.

Sean:Nice work, Mike. You're on fire. Nope, wait. It's your mustache.

Mike:I call it Tangerine Dream.

staffer:Yeah, if anyone can do this, Dan, I'm confident you or the guy we hired to replace you can.

Selina:Middle East, middle easy.

Selina:I'm handling world peace, okay? You just go make the room pretty, i.e., the opposite of that fucking monstrosity. What is that? Picasso's heavy period?

Selina:Is that why his wife tried to kill herself?

staffer:I think it's called 'A Man Who Shits Triangles.'

staffer:'I'm a latte'? Guess she means she's late.

Amy:You make me any more late, and I lock you in this car and have it compacted.

Selina (voice memo):Memo to self... it is winnable. / Delete the private polling. / Also, hair. Ask Marianne about electrolysis.

Selina:No offense, honey, but, I mean, look at yourself.

staffer · Catherine:She turned around the college film society. / I transformed it, Mom.

Selina:She... she... good for you. [Beat of awkward dismissal]

Selina:I feel like I'm on trial in the future.

Selina:Uh, Amy, it's filtering out like every other word. Usually I just do that myself.

Selina · Amy:By the way, I'm bringing in Bill Ericsson. / Madam President, did you just say Bill Ericsson? / Ma'am, I... Ooh!

Selina:Have you seen that thing? It's like he ate a volcano.

Kent:But her likability index is... [Beat] ...shallow.

Selina:Oh. Oh, these are not good. [Looking at Catherine's poll numbers]

Selina:Don't tell me it's Happy Harrison Day. / I outlived some dead idiot president. Wow.

Ben · Selina · Kent:It's Ben's birthday. / Happy birthday, Ben. / Wow, that was quick. / We have a cake? / No.

Ben · staffer:Ah, William Henry Harrison. Oh, God, at least somebody... [pause] Noticed this horrible cake?

Teddy · Jonah:Better think of a way to make me feel good. / Okay, of course. I could go get you some Pringles or...

Teddy:You simultaneously made my day and ruined his. Thank you. Shine brightly.

Teddy · Jonah:Tap-tap-tap-tap-tap-tap. / All good? / Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Gary:If anybody doesn't know the difference between a valance and a jabot, I really need you to leave.

Gary:Did we get these from a homeless man's grave? They're molesting my eyes.

Sue:Sure, Amy, I'll just tell the Israelis to move on, 'cause they love that.

Bill Ericsson · Amy:I have a specific title, but a wide brief... Eliminate weaknesses. / That's a little Nazi doctor.

Amy:Well, I just wanted to say a friendly hello in an unfriendly way.

Bill Ericsson:[beat] Hello.

Selina:I like him. And I loathe politicians.

aide · Selina:Madam President, a painting in the White House was removed this morning. / Should we go to the Situation Room?

Selina:I mean, who knew we even had one?

Selina:Actually, have Bill Ericsson do that because I'm having Bill Ericsson replace you.

Selina · aide:To be honest, I don't even know if she's one of ours. / 20 bucks says she's Mossad.

Catherine · Kent:Even though we have our differences, I think my mom brokering major peace talks is super awesome. / It is. Super awesome.

Catherine:I didn't take drugs with those guys. I was just in their bus for half an hour.

Kent:[Long pause] That is good to know.

Kent:Catherine, America doesn't like you. / That sounded way too harsh when boiled down to a headline thought.

Catherine · Kent:They hate me. / I wouldn't say hate. You just... polarize opinion with the bulk of it gravitating to this pole here.

Kent · Catherine:You have sharp shoulders. / This is like high school all over again. / Yeah, sure, kind of, but much bigger.

Kent · Catherine:Customary shortcuts to public affirmation are military service or childbirth. / Okay, God, no, and, oh, my God, no, in that order.

Kent · Catherine:Well, then we go back to the idea of turning that frown into the inverse of a frown. / Upside down? / If you will.

Jonah · Dan:So there wasn't even like a little part of you that thought I was gonna be in these talks? / Okay, look, just sit there in the meeting and let me take the lead. If I need your help, I'll give you a signal. / Okay, what's the signal? / There's not gonna be a signal, Jonah.

Congressman Pierce:What's shakin', bacon? That's my way of saying hello, breaking the ice.

Jonah:I really like your office. This is a great office. The way you've arranged the furniture. This horse guy over here, that painting. This is the nicest office I've ever been in.

Dan:Don't think of them as kids as much as little human start-ups. You know, spend to save. And then you take the money you save and you spend it. That's economics.

Congressman Pierce · Jonah:And on my desk here, you see I keep a box of coupons. I clip them myself. And this is to help me to remember to be economical. / That is a fantastic idea. I'm gonna take a page. I'm gonna do this myself. / Did you know that a lot of these have expired?

Jonah:Well, you know, we're all getting together for a little hang at the White House bowling alley tomorrow night. Throwing strikes with the President of the United States.

Congressman Pierce:That's bucket list bowling.

Jonah:She's probably not a very good bowler. You might even be able to beat her.

Selina:We do have Native American staff. They're on a list that you're gonna give me in 30 minutes, okay? Now get me some scalps. Names. Get me some names.

Ben · Mike:Hey, I hate to ask, but would you mind helping me out? Would you tell the media that Bill Ericsson's taking your job? It would just make it seem more amicable. Would you do that for me? / [Long pause] No.

aide · Selina:It's not a wall, ma'am. / Well, it's an expression. A bridge of peace, I'll say.

Israeli negotiator:Yes, it's ironic that you're talking to us about occupation while you occupy someone else's continent.

Selina:So why don't you tell Sacheen Littlefeather to get off the rag and get over it, all right?

Mike · reporter:It was just a preemptive cleaning, much like a juice cleanse. / But the Native American painting is the only one getting the cleanse? / Other paintings will also be cleansed. Cleansed is not the right word. Wiped. No, not wiped. / Cleaned.

Amy:Gary, you look whiter than a Georgia country club.

Amy:Is there a child missing?

Gary · Amy:I wanted her first state dinner to be really nice. So you what? Hired strippers?

Sue:Gary, your inner child needs to grow an outer man.

aide:Boy, at peace with Israel, at war with Native Americans.

Selina:Do you know what I am? I'm like the opposite of Mel Gibson.

Selina:Now what we need is a lot more butt-ugly Native American paintings, okay? / Because the first butt-ugly one was removed / by some jerkoff with a hair ball for a brain.

aide · Ben:She's got a lot on her plate right now, no pun intended. / That her bagman spends like a Babylonian king? Yes, I think so.

aide · Ben:You can tell her. She likes you. / And I plan on keeping it that way, so I'll leave it to you.

aide · Sue:Sue, would you like to tell the president? / No, I would not, but thank you for thinking of me.

Jonah · Richard:Beep, boop, beboop. Hello? / Yeah, hi.

Jonah · passing staffer:You are in the J-Corps now and we own these hallways. / Hey, Preppy Longstocking. / Yeah, your fat mama.

Jonah:The president and I, we're like this. You know, not to scale, obviously.

Jonah:I'm flying solo. I'm fucking Amelia Earhart and I'm still doing a better job than you.

Selina · Gary · Catherine:[Catherine attempts to smile for the camera; Selina recoils] / That's not good. / You're flaring your nostrils.

Jonah · Teddy:You would not believe the day that I'm having. / Oh, what a day. / I feel like this is gonna be a key scene in my biopic.

Gary:You got to make sure she has height here. A lot of volume because her skull is low. It's kind of indented.

Amy · Selina:I think if there are three whole flower trucks parked outside the White House, I would know about it. / Go. Outside, go. Count the flower trucks.

Dan:He's eager and hardworking and never complains and every night I dream of drowning him.

Dan:Oh, well, I guess you'll meet them all at the Scorsese screening you're having in your head.

Amy:I feel like this is gonna be a key scene in my biopic.

Congresswoman · Jonah:I am sorry. There's a lot of Navajo in my district. This painting thing is escalating. I'm afraid I'll have to postpone. / About that screening with Marty... you ever see 'The King of Comedy'? / I haven't. / It's a good one. Underrated.

Teddy:Hey, sugar tits, did you stroke and choke the rules committee?

Teddy:Sugar tits, did you stroke and choke the rules committee?

Teddy · Richard:Richard apparently is the assistant's assistant. Does that mean, like, he's the epitome of an assistant or he's just an assistant's assistant? / The first one.

Jonah:Great, or at least between me and Teddy.

Jonah:Great, or at least between me and Teddy.

Jonah · Richard:Oh, 'sir.' I like that. I'll get used to that. / Keep doing it. / Yes, sir. / There it is again. That's twice. Come with me.

aide · Ben:What's Gary doing? Trying to max out America? / Wow, who knew they made lampshades out of unobtanium?

Selina:Okay, guys, I will not hear a single bad word about my friend Gary. / But, no. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, he's out of control.

aide · Ben:Did you see the cost of the dinner? This'll sting us, make us look decadent and remote. / Yeah, said the Princeton grad in the Valentino tux.

Jonah · Richard:See that? / It's kind of how we do things here in 'the Wing.' / Now through this door is the Oval Office. / Fudge me. No. / Yeah.

Jonah · Richard:Now through this door is the Oval Office. / Fudge me. No. / Yeah. / You are like the coolest guy I've ever met.

Gary:God, I hope you don't have any allergies, though, 'cause these centerpieces are kind of imposing, aren't they?

Israeli PM · Selina:Better not leak any photos. I see your media likes to make a big fuss about how much you spend. / Yes. Yes. Huh? What? What fuss? What spending?

Ben:Well, imagine Elton John on a day he feels fat.

Selina · aide:Did we ever find out who moved that painting, by the way? / Um, that would be Gary, too.

Selina:So I have just brokered a peace deal with Israel here. I, as President of the United States, have actually achieved something, which is virtually unheard of.

Selina:Who do you think you are, Gary Antoinette? Did somebody make you first lady? 'Cause I don't remember marrying you, Gary. I don't remember fucking you in Niagara Falls. I think I'd remember that.

Selina:You have suckered onto me like some sort of a car window Garfield.

Selina:You are not a big shot, Gary. You're a middle-aged man who sanitizes my tweezers.

Gary · Selina:When's Catherine's birthday? / June eighth. / Ninth. / Which senator's daughter is in rehab? / You're out of line, missy. / Geldray. / What are you wearing tomorrow? / I don't know. / I do.

Gary · Selina:When's Catherine's birthday? / June eighth. / Ninth. / Which senator's daughter is in rehab? / You're out of line, missy. / Geldray. / What are you wearing tomorrow? / I don't know. / I do.

Gary:I'm your calendar, I'm your Google, I'm your Wilson the volleyball.

Gary · Selina:Can you find somebody else who did what I did? / You mean on Labor Day? / I didn't say that. / Yeah, you did. You just did. You j... you just said Labor Day.

Selina:I'm sorry if I lost my temper a little bit. / I am so sorry for the words that I just spoke.

Gary · Selina:Can you find somebody else who did what I did? / You mean on Labor Day?

Gary · Selina:That looks good. / Yeah, it's... It's light sponge. / Would you like a piece? / Okay, I'll have a piece, I guess.

Selina · Gary:That looks good. / Yeah, it's... It's light sponge. / Would you like a piece? / Okay, I'll have a piece, I guess. / Yes, ma'am. / It's light sponge. / You just told me that. / Mm-hmm.

Gary · Selina:It's light sponge. / You just told me that.

Selina · Gary:Geldray's daughter is in rehab? / Yes. / That explains all that energy. / Lot of energy.

Mike · aide:I just find these paintings to be inspirational. I really do. / I particularly love this color here. I think this is so pretty, don't you? / I believe the title is 'Massacre.'

Catherine:My, you are small. I suppose you're young, but you're still very small.

Catherine:Honey, don't look so worried. I'm not gonna bite you. But that man over there does have a gun.

Catherine:Honey, don't look so worried. I'm not gonna bite you. / But that man over there does have a gun.

Selina · aide:That's a wonderful photo of your daughter. / Yeah, she looks so loveable there, don't you think? / Very... well, she looks likable. / Do you think she looks likable in that picture?

Selina:Have you ever seen 'Star Wars'? This is a little bit like the end of 'Star Wars.'

aide · Selina:South Korea has called. They'd like to know if you'd like a baby elephant. / I have no response to that. / Other than I already have one. / I'm kidding.

staffer · Selina:South Korea has called. / They'd like to know if you'd like a baby elephant. / I have no response to that. / Other than I already have one. / I'm kidding.

Selina:She used to be chubby when she was little, but she's slimmed down as she's gotten older. Thank goodness.

Selina:Can you pull me out the second it becomes acceptable to leave?

Selina · Gary:Can you pull me out the second it becomes acceptable to leave? / Mm-hmm.

Selina · staffer:Can you pull me out the second it becomes acceptable to leave? / Mm-hmm.