East Wing

Did he dye his mustache?

It's vanity. He's the TV face of the administration.

But he's glued Cheetos to that face.

He looks like Yosemite Sam.

Yeah, without the credibility.

He's gonna get his tits done next.

She feels great, unlike President Harrison who contracted pneumonia during his inaugural address and died.

Nice work, Mike. You're on fire. Nope, wait. It's your mustache.

I call it Tangerine Dream.

Hey, are we getting cocktails later? No, I can't. I've got to get home. You... Can you imagine? No. We love to drink.

So you want me to rule the House rules committee.

Yeah, if anyone can do this, Dan, I'm confident you or the guy we hired to replace you can.

Middle East, middle easy.

Whatever. I'm handling world peace, okay? You just go make the room pretty, i.e., the opposite of that fucking monstrosity.

What is that? Picasso's heavy period?

President Hughes loved it. Is that why his wife tried to kill herself?

I think it's called 'A Man Who Shits Triangles.'

I just got a text from Amy. 'I'm a latte'? Huh? Guess she means she's late.

Could be anything... accident up ahead, active shooter. Well, probably not that.

You make me any more late, and I lock you in this car and have it compacted.

Memo to self... it is winnable. Delete the private polling. Also, hair. Ask Marianne about electrolysis.

No offense, honey, but, I mean, look at yourself.

She turned around the college film society. I transformed it, Mom.

I feel like I'm on trial in the future.

Amy, it's filtering out like every other word. Usually I just do that myself.

Have you seen that thing? It's like he ate a volcano.

We polled her popularity. How dare you? How could you have the audacity to... Oh. Oh, these are not good.

I outlived some dead idiot president. Wow.

Happy birthday, Ben. Wow, that was quick. Yeah. We have a cake? No.

I could go get you some Pringles or...

You simultaneously made my day and ruined his.

Did we get these from a homeless man's grave? They're molesting my eyes.

I heard you sent them back to centerpiece hell.

Eliminate weaknesses. That's a little Nazi doctor.

Well, I just wanted to say a friendly hello in an unfriendly way.

I mean, who knew we even had one?

To be honest, I don't even know if she's one of ours. 20 bucks says she's Mossad.

This is about the brand image of Catherine Meyer, TM.

Catherine, America doesn't like you.

I wouldn't say hate. You just... polarize opinion with the bulk of it gravitating to this pole here.

You have sharp shoulders. This is like high school all over again. Yeah, sure, kind of, but much bigger.

Customary shortcuts to public affirmation are military service or childbirth. Okay, God, no, and, oh, my God, no, in that order.

Okay, well, then we go back to the idea of turning that frown into the inverse of a frown. Upside down?

There's not gonna be a signal, Jonah.

Hey, what's shakin', bacon? That's my way of saying hello, breaking the ice.

You know, don't think of them as kids as much as little human start-ups.

And then you take the money you save and you spend it. That's economics.

Did you know that a lot of these have expired?

I'm flying solo. I'm fucking Amelia Earhart and I'm still doing a better job than you.

Now get me some scalps. Names. Get me some names.

Yes, it's ironic that you're talking to us about occupation while you occupy someone else's continent.

So why don't you tell Sacheen Littlefeather to get off the rag and get over it, all right?

This was just a preemptive cleaning, much like a juice cleanse.

Cleansed is not the right word. Wiped. No, not wiped. Cleaned.

Gary, you look whiter than a Georgia country club.

We don't have time for the whole tapestry.

Is there a child missing?

Gary, your inner child needs to grow an outer man.

Boy, at peace with Israel, at war with Native Americans. Do you know what I am? I'm like the opposite of Mel Gibson.

Because the first butt-ugly one was removed by some jerkoff with a hair ball for a brain.

You got all your Danettes and your Dangelinas.

What Scorsese film? I don't know. He's got to have a new one dropping, right? He's really prolific.

You're flaring your nostrils. It feels natural.

That looked happy, even if you're not happy. That's the trick.

A lot of volume because her skull is low. It's kind of indented.

And if you stand on it just like so, you can get Wi-Fi.

I feel like this is gonna be a key scene in my biopic.

Hey, sugar tits, did you stroke and choke the rules committee?

He's eager and hardworking and never complains and every night I dream of drowning him.

I am so proud of you, I could squeeze you like a sponge in the shower.

Does that mean, like, he's the epitome of an assistant or he's just an assistant's assistant?

Am I being 'Punk'd'? Is this hazing? Happened to my brother once. He did not handle it well.

What's Gary doing? Trying to max out America?

Wow, who knew they made lampshades out of unobtanium?

Yeah, said the Princeton grad in the Valentino tux.

That her bagman spends like a Babylonian king?

You are in the J-Corps now and we own these hallways.

The president and I, we're like this. You know, not to scale, obviously.

Better not leak any photos. I see your media likes to make a big fuss about how much you spend. Oh, yeah. Yes. Yes. Huh? What? What fuss? What spending?

Well, imagine Elton John on a day he feels fat.

To paraphrase a predecessor of mine, we have nothing to trust but trust itself.

Who do you think you are, Gary Antoinette? Did somebody make you first lady? 'Cause I don't remember marrying you, Gary. I don't remember fucking you in Niagara Falls.

And you have suckered onto me like some sort of a car window Garfield.

You're a middle-aged man who sanitizes my tweezers.

When's Catherine's birthday? June eighth. Ninth. Which senator's daughter is in rehab?

I'm your calendar, I'm your Google, I'm your Wilson the volleyball.

Most of the time you don't even know that I exist, but I am fucking everything to you!

You mean on Labor Day? I didn't say that. Yeah, you did. You just did. You j... you just said Labor Day.

It's light sponge. You just told me that.

I particularly love this color here. I think this is so pretty, don't you? I believe the title is 'Massacre.'

My, you are small. I suppose you're young, but you're still very small.

Honey, don't look so worried. I'm not gonna bite you. But that man over there does have a gun.

Have you ever seen 'Star Wars'? This is a little bit like the end of 'Star Wars.'

South Korea has called. They'd like to know if you'd like a baby elephant. I have no response to that. Other than I already have one.

I'm kidding. She used to be chubby when she was little, but she's slimmed down as she's gotten older. Thank goodness.