Selina's staff frantically works on her first major speech as president. Gary questions his worth.
Season 4 opener lands 101 jokes in 36 minutes—Veep's densest premiere, character-driven chaos.
Directed by Chris Addison · Written by Simon Blackwell, Georgia Pritchett
WAR
153.5
Wins Above Replacement
“Joint Session” ranks #42 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 92.5 — Elite. The episode packs 107 scored jokes at 3.0 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.3 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Selina: And we will be ready for that future whatever. / (Cheering, applause)
Selina Callback Absurdist ★ Rewatch Callback Woman staffer · Selina: Just to let you know that two of the hikers are dead. / Could you please leave? / Sorry, Madam President. / Wait. What hikers? / What hikers?!
Selina: We will invest $60 billion in the new N620 submarine fleet.
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Sue: Can mice levitate, Mike? Can they levitate and fire lasers out of their mouse eyes? No. Well, then we've just asked each other equally ridiculous questions.
Sue Absurdist Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina: Selina improvising: 'I want to talk about the future. Whatever we have in store... cannot be known. But given time, it... it can be understood. The past was once the future. The future is, I should say, unknown. It is in fact unknowable.'
Selina Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 107 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Selina: We're the first woman president, right? Well, I am. You're not, Michael.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina: Ow, you're hurting my hand. Hi. / I'm gonna get that Philip Roth book back to you. I haven't forgotten about it.
Selina Character Comedy Observational Dan: You know, some content would be nice in this speech. This is just noise-shaped air.
Dan Deadpan/Understatement Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Dan: Mike trying to be healthy. It's like a potato trying to whistle.
Dan Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Mike: If I make it to 50, I can quit fruit for good.
Mike Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Dan · Jim: I guess we did too good a job. / So we still don't know what's going in her speech to the joint session. I mean, what do we do? Google it like a best man speech?
Dan Jim Observational Character Comedy Jim · Dan: It always has with every president I've been comm director for. How many is that? This would be my second. And actually, it didn't always come together with President Hughes. We had many failures.
Jim Dan Setup/Punchline Deadpan/Understatement Selina: During which I can sleep and you can squeeze nutrient paste into my mouth.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Ben: Yeah, we're looking at a big, fat Greek funeral.
Ben Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive Selina: Yeah, 'cause I'm the president, see? Everything's my fault now.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dan · Jim · Selina: There isn't an A. We're numbering the sections. We are? We are. We agreed on numbers. So section A is now section one. Harvard education right there.
Dan · Selina · Jim: There are a million young women around here and they all look exactly the same to me. / You big lady racist.
Selina · Mike: Smells like Puerto Rico in here. / I'm juicing.
Selina · Dan: Who is that? / Hey, who is Cathy?
Richard · Mike: That was the actual President of the United States. It never stops being cool. / She calls me Mike. / That is your name.
Selina: I wouldn't want him to have the shitty experience that I had as veep... Unfortunately, the precedent has been set for this meeting, so I wouldn't want to go change things — Not at this early stage.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Gary · Secret Service / aide: President needs the bag. / Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure. / She only needs the bag. / Okay, it's not that simple. Hey, hey, hey, easy. You're holding it wrong. You're holding it wrong.
Jonah · Doyle: Ladies be crying, pimps be dying. It's Jonah Ryan. / Ah, I thought I heard a little girl's voice. I was right.
Doyle: Come with me. This is a man hang now. It doesn't reek of moisturizer and vaginal spray anymore.
Doyle Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jonah: And that was just Dan.
Jonah Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Callback Jonah · Doyle: How's it hanging? / You know, pretty good. Like a strap-on in a porn dungeon... rock hard and covered in pussy juice.
Jonah · Doyle: You like that? I got a ton of them. You can ask me again. / Hey, how's it hanging? / Like a fat meat fence post...
Doyle · Jonah: I need you to spy for me. / Yes, sir. / Selina freezing you out, old-timer? / Oh, absolutely. Cycle of abuse continues. Like the Catholic Church. / Yeah, or an Arkansas wedding.
Doyle · Jonah: Lean down, high five.
Selina: Poor working moms seem to love it for some reason. But they only ever vote with their phones, usually for other poor young moms who can't sing.
Selina Observational Dark/Subversive Selina · Ben: Yeah, we just got to do a cock-thumb. / What? What did you say? A cock-thumb? / Yeah. / What is that? Tell me, do not show me.
Selina Ben Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Ben · Selina: Well, we propose a radical cut to the military — cutting off the cock — the Joint Chiefs in turn propose their own more reasonable cut — cutting off the thumb. / Commonly known as negotiating?
Ben Selina Deadpan/Understatement Wordplay/Pun Callback Selina · Unknown aide: Okay, well, let's cock-thumb. / I really don't care for that term.
Selina · Sue: No duck? / No. / Sue: It's a dead duck.
Ben: I love my mother, but I had to put her in a home. And it's actually better for her if I don't visit.
Ben Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Selina · Ben: I feel like I've got a hamster wheel in my head. / Did you ever hear the theory that Reagan hired Hinckley just so he could get two weeks in bed?
Selina: Maybe we can put Afghanistan on eBay. Get about 10 bucks for that.
Selina Dark/Subversive Absurdist Amy · unnamed aide: Chicken and egg scenario. / Yeah, but where the chicken is just refusing to ovulate.
Mike: But imagine I haven't.
Mike Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Mike · Amy: Don't shoot the messenger. I just gave you the message. You're being shot by the messenger.
Mike Amy Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Dan: There's still no content in this speech. It's like a diet soufflee.
Dan Deadpan/Understatement Observational Sue: Can mice levitate, Mike? Can they levitate and fire lasers out of their mouse eyes? No. Well, then we've just asked each other equally ridiculous questions.
Sue Absurdist Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Mike: I got recognized on the street today. Guy had already met me and then forgot that he met me and then recognized me from TV and then remembered me again.
Mike Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Jonah: Oh, hey, if any of you new bitch puppies need help finding the mommy teats around here, you can just ask a West Wing vet, 'kay?
Jonah Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jonah: Oh, how's the new veep's office? / What? / The new veep's office. / It's great. Why are you even asking? I mean, it's so good. It's fucking... it's great. Me, Doyle. I mean, come on, Teddy. Of course, Teddy. So good over there, guys. So good.
Jonah Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Ericsson · Amy: For a lonely suicide or an affair with your secretary. It's discreet. There's no DC people here. I booked it using the name Lazlo Whittaker. / Was Vladimir Draw-Attention-To-Myself already taken?
Richard · Ericsson: Let me write this down. / Or I will remember it using my brain. I've got a pretty good one. Illinois Institute of Technology.
Ericsson · Amy: I'll cut right to the chase. / Good, 'cause that last minute was a very long minute.
Ericsson: I thought he'd be an interesting challenge, but he's a boring chore.
Ericsson Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Ericsson · Amy: Your job is very interesting. / Well... / Challenging. / Very exciting job. / My job, yes, it is. / The job I have is a very good job.
Gary: Do you know what? I have never looked at her from this angle. And she still just radiates... okay.
Gary Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Amy · Ericsson · Richard: You said she can win. I asked if she will win. / I'm sorry, was that sparkling or still water?
Richard: And what kind of croissant? I definitely remember the rest.
Richard Character Comedy Callback Callback Ericsson: Okay, I'm leaving this hotel room.
Amy · unknown: Wonder what he'll do next. He's the best campaign manager in America. / One of them. / He could have any job he wants. / Yeah. / He could have your job. / You know, I'm saying all this out loud and I probably shouldn't be.
Amy unknown Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Callback Sue: Oh, I have a sixth sense. And a seventh for when I need it.
Sue Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: We should hear their big clanking balls any second. And then all the paintings will fall off the walls.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Gary: It's like Colombian tongue sex.
Gary Character Comedy Absurdist Amy · Ben: 'Reservoir Dogs,' huh? / Excuse me? / I've never actually seen it, but as I understand, there's a scene where they all walk in a row like this.
Amy Ben Observational Character Comedy Selina · Ben: I'm used to dealing with angry, aggressive, dysfunctional men, i.e., men. / Well, that's what we do best. / That and farting during first Communions.
Ben: Well, that's what we do best. And farting during first Communions.
Ben Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: It's funny... I don't really think of you as a man.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Selina: I understand you're on the warpath. I get that. I think it's your favorite path.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Jonah · Gary: Vampires! / God, stop! / If I was a ninja, you'd be dead right now. That's a life lesson courtesy of Jobi-Wan Kenobi.
Jonah: Are you sure you wouldn't be more comfortable at the book depository next door?
Jonah Dark/Subversive Wordplay/Pun unknown staffer: He's really, really hands-on.
Selina · Kent · Ben: Yeah, but here I am. I'm thinking it. The only unthinkable thing is that anything is unthinkable. / Kent majored in fortune cookies.
General · Selina: Yeah, that's horse hockey. Forgive me, ma'am. / No, no. No forgiveness needed. I mean, at least you didn't say that's fucking bullshit.
Selina · General: Five-zero followed by a bunch of zeroes? / Nine. / Yes.
Doyle: I think Lassie is trying to tell us something.
Doyle Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jonah · Doyle: Sir, can I sit down? I think I split my diaphragm. / I need you to run.
Ben: That wasn't a cock-thumb. That was a cock-cock.
Ben Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: How big is $50 billion? Get it in here in five-dollar bills. I'm gonna climb it and see if I get frostbite.
Selina Absurdist Character Comedy Ben: Or mistressly, whichever isn't offensive.
Ben Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina · Andrew (VP): Well, you know what? You're in phenomenal shape. For a man of your age, it's just extraordinary. Are you thirsty? Do you want something to drink? / No, I have a lot to do. / Okay, bye-bye.
Selina: This writing is absolutely fantastic! It's '50 Shades of Great.'
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Gary · Selina: Actually, let me take these glasses out. / It looks like you have a penis. / What? / Which you can totally pull off if you had... if you had to.
Mike · Dan · Amy: I don't like to swear, guys, but I think the S is about to hit the F. / The shit is gonna hit the fuck? / No, F is for fan, Mike, not fuck. Why would shit hit fuck? Shit doesn't hit fuck.
Amy: Oh, sorry. Guys, this is the military industrial complex. Military industrial complex, these are the president's flying monkeys.
Amy Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Congressman Furlong: 10 fucking points to Elsa the ice queen.
Amy · Furlong: Shall we recalibrate our language, Roger? / It's Congressman Furlong to you, gray Elvis.
Amy: The N620s are for a threat that doesn't exist. We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy.
Amy Observational Absurdist Furlong: You think the whole sub is made in one place? Because the fin, or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state. And then this little round fucking window comes from another place. All right? And the fuel rods are from Cheesedick, Wisconsin.
Furlong: So take the periscope out of your asses and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you.
Furlong Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Dan: Hey, Dobby the house elf, we've had enough. Just get out.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dan: Popped your cardiac cherry, huh, Mike?
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Furlong: You can wave bye-bye to the Families First bill because the lawmakers in these districts are going to Vulcan death grip you to fuck. Live long and fuck off.
Furlong Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Selina · Jim (Speaker): Oh, see, you're being sarcastic, Jim. / Absolutely thrilled, really. / Oh, no, see, that's sarcasm. / No, it isn't. / It is, I see it. Yeah, and... oh.
Ben: That's the long and shit of it.
Ben Wordplay/Pun Deadpan/Understatement Selina: Just end high school in ninth grade or something.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Dan · Amy: Wait, she's got the hard copy, right? I mean, that's her backup chute right there. / Great, she reads that while we edit this.
Dan Amy Cringe/Discomfort Escalation Gary · Dan: Gary: I have her glasses. / You should not have those. / Why have you blinded the president, Gary?
Gary Dan Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Callback Gary: They were ruining the line of her dress and... / Mr. Walsh. / No one hates me more than I hate myself.
Gary Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Dan: You're wrong there. You run into the chamber and you give her the glasses and you keep running until you hit the ocean.
Dan Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: Selina at the podium, unable to read, improvises by calling for a moment of silence for the still-living President Hughes and his FLOTUS
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Escalation ★ Rewatch Unknown off-screen voice: They're not dead.
Dan: Ha ha ha! I've done it! I rule so hard.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dan: Oh, shit. I always get it wrong. It's a 50-50 chance. I never get the right side up.
Dan Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Callback Dan: It is up and the eagle has noticed.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: Selina improvising: 'I want to talk about the future. Whatever we have in store... cannot be known. But given time, it... it can be understood. The past was once the future. The future is, I should say, unknown. It is in fact unknowable.'
Selina Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Mike: She's bebop speaking.
Mike Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: So I'm asking you to meet me at the station and join me as we board a train bound for a place called the future.
Selina Absurdist Character Comedy Selina: And we will be ready for that future whatever. / (Cheering, applause)
Selina Callback Absurdist ★ Rewatch Callback Ben: I detest jazz, but this is impressive.
Ben Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Callback Selina: We will invest $60 billion in the new N620 submarine fleet.
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Dan · Amy: Well, she just announced a dead guy's plan. / He's not fucking dead.
Dan Amy Callback Irony/Sarcasm Callback Selina: Instead now, that money is going to fund obsolete, metal, giant dildos.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina: Do you have any idea what... (plastic snaps)
Selina Physical/Slapstick Escalation Gary: Okay. (knocks) Ma'am, I know you need to be alone right now. It's just that these sign-offs... I'm just... I'll just leave 'em.
Gary Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Amy · Selina: Sorry, ma'am, you said not to interrupt, but we have a campaign meeting scheduled for right now. / I know, Amy. / I'm descheduling as I exit.
Amy Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Ben · Selina: Madam President, I know you kicked me out, but we just droned the wrong guy's truck in Yemen. / Thank you, Ben. / Great. Guess I'll write a report.
Woman staffer · Selina: Just to let you know that two of the hikers are dead. / Could you please leave? / Sorry, Madam President. / Wait. What hikers? / What hikers?!