D.C.

Selina:Selina: Oh, God. I hate impeachments. They're so '90s.

Jonah:Jonah: No, I just have a 'don't ask don't tell' policy about the things that I know. Or that I don't know.

Selina:Jonah, don't talk, don't stay. You need to fuck off and go back to Westworld.

Selina:Three fucks, you're out.

Gary · Selina:Ma'am, you have my deepest, deepest sympathies. / Okay, well, I'm not dead.

Dan:Dan immediately starts making calls to other employers the moment Selina announces she's leaving — while still in the room.

Selina:Well, your devotion to this job... it's just inspiring, Dan.

Amy · Dan:He's not getting a call. He's making a call, right? / Hi. Yes. Can you please tell Governor Chung that Dan Egan is ready for the Chung chat?

Amy · Dan · Amy:No, it means I have absolutely nothing to do. / I meant for her. / Still, this might mean that we could spend more time together. / Let's take it one day at a time. Sweet Jesus.

Dan:Yes, Congressman Kosynski. Or should I say mentor Kosynski? The father figure my own dad was too weird and distant to be.

Dan:Like that night that you stayed over and we read the papers the next morning? That was really nice. And I thought, yeah, that is something that I could do for the rest of my life.

Kosynski:You know, you're gonna get bedsores.

Will:I move as slowly as a Mississippi detective investigating the murder of a young black man.

Gary · Selina:Hey, ma'am, you know you're gonna break the president's heart with this news. / Wish I could break his spine. But I can't, 'cause it's made of Jell-O.

Ben · Selina:Are you finishing my sentence or are you telling me that again? / Both.

Congressman:I really don't have any need for you, Mike. You're kind of obsolete. You're like a Viking stuck in time.

Congressman · Mike:Maybe you can hook me up with Charlize Theron. / Funny, but I'm being serious, sir. / No, I'm being serious, too. I'd like to fuck her.

Congressman:Why'd you leave anyway? You get stuck with your dick in the veep's decaf?

Congressman · Mike:Holy shit. She's leaving the ticket. / No, absolutely not. We had a fucking deal.

Congressman:Why don't you fucking kill yourself, Will?

Selina:Your news is probably more like a page six, Kardashian crap news.

Ben:He drank the poisoned Kool-Aid from my very big, blue mug.

Selina · Ben:Are you serious? / No, I'm Joan fucking Rivers. Of course I'm serious.

Ben:Because he couldn't stomach the look -- like that, just like that -- of unbridled joy.

Selina · Ben:Ben, I am crying very quietly on the inside. / While in your mind you're doing pirouettes on his grave.

Ben:While in your mind you're doing pirouettes on his grave.

Ben:Well, it's not the job that's depressing. Life is depressing.

Selina:Selina alone after receiving the news, suppressing a squeal, then whispering 'Yes! Fuck! Gosh!' in rapid succession

Roger/Furlong · Sue:We'd like to see the vice president as a matter of some urgency. / No.

Furlong · Sue · Sue:Fuck this, I'm going in the side door. / You do and Secret Service might break your neck. / That would be a tragedy.

Roger · Selina:Yeah, I'm burning calories with the old anxiety diet. You know, the anxiet. / If you want to get some cardio exercise, you have to have a heart.

Selina · Roger:Where did you hear this rumor? / Oh, I heard it from the Gingerhead Man. The gash with the stash. McLintock.

Selina · Roger:I am absolutely running in two years. And then four years after that, reelection, baby. / What do you mean reelection?

Selina · Roger:It's like saying flammable or inflammable. It's the same thing. / I smell a fucking rat. / Oh, stop it. / I'll tell you what it is, too. It's this whole administration. And I'm gonna light a fire under the whole thing. Then we'll find out whether it's flammable or inflammable.

Roger:Come on, Wilbo Faggins, let's go.

Selina · Jonah:You like to have sex and you like to travel? / Yes, ma'am. / Then you can fuck off.

Jonah:But I shall be right here if you need me. Like the mighty oak that stands for-- ma'am.

Dan:Oh, yeah! That's awesome. I did not see that coming. Selina Meyer, she deals 'em fire. Bam! Boom! Let's go to the fucking moon!

Mike:I was this close to living on my boat.

Selina · Ed:Can you give me some time with my core team? Um, Br-- Br- / Ed. / Bre-- Ed. / Of course.

Ed · Jonah · Amy:I feel as though I may have missed something. If you need to fill me in on that-- / Hey, what happened in there? / They're celebrating because you weren't in there.

Dan · Selina · Dan:Uh, I've accepted a number of posts. / Did you say a number? / Currently four.

Selina · Dan:Wow. You're gonna cancel them, right? / Oh, clearly. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Gary:I'm going into business with Dana and we're doing D&G Cheese Overseas.

Selina:Wait a minute. You're choosing dead milk over me?

Selina:Like I'm Marilyn Monroe, just JFK the fuck out of me.

Selina · Amy:No, it's all about crazy money, Ame. He's got the crazy money and I'm crazy enough to go get it. / As long as it's strictly business.

Dana:Dana: Oh, there he is. Hey, quit being so hot. You're gonna melt all my cheese.

Dana:You look like you did when I asked you to talk dirty. You were just like, 'I'm in you right now.'

Dana:The Pecorino Duo Grande sampler. Shaved and grated.

Customer · Dana · Dana:Sorry, not black truffle. I meant white truffle. / That's next to the black truffle, okay. / What the fuck is wrong with you, Brett? This is not a big place, is it? It's not a big place.

Bystander · Dana · Gary:Would you guys like some space? / Yeah! / No! Stay right where you are.

Selina:You know, listen, just ignore that earlier me. The 'Little House on the Prairie' bullshit.

Amy:I am right behind/beside you. You, Chief of Staff to the president, me, chief of sexiness and spooning.

Dan:Accidental dick move. I had to write Selina's speech for the science fair so fast that I think I plagiarized a speech that I wrote for Chung.

Chung on YouTube · Amy · Dan:It's not about what America means to me. It's what I mean to America. Because America would be nothing without Americans. / Jesus, you wrote this shit? / Yeah, it's like a noun-verb gumbo.

Dan:So it's the fictitious girl. I gave her the same girl. Although I did change it from Juanita to Anita.

Amy:Oh, that's a brilliant plan. Why don't you change America to Shmamerica? Yeah, I'm calling Mike.

Selina · Mike:Well, from up here, they look like ants. / ( Mike chuckles ) / That's a joke. / Because they are ants.

Selina · Amy:What? I didn't say anything to that crusty ass clown. / I might have mixed up a couple words, but...

Ben:So now our spineless, flip-floppy fuckbag is staying.

Selina:I've got to get out of here before I set fire to one of these nerds.

Selina:Don't fuck this up. This is a public relations nightmare waiting to happen.

Dan · Chung:DC's current go-to place for these off-the-record meets. / Good choice. Under the radar as we used to say in the military.

Dan:Yeah, I think other people say that, too.

Chung:That's the worst kind of friendly fire. The unfriendly kind.

Dan · Chung · Dan:After all, you didn't really meet anyone named Juanita who said that. / No, I did. As I recall, it went something like... ( Spanish accent ) 'Mr. Ching, I come to America to work. I send money home, but life here is so hard for me.' / I didn't know you did voices.

Amy:Jesus, the inside of his head must be like an Escher drawing.

Selina:Oh, good, more hurt and disappointment.

Chung:You think you get to decide on whether or not I hire you? There are plenty of Dans out there, Dan. Look around.

Dan:Hey, don't call me kid, okay? I mean, A: you're not Jimmy Cagney, all right? And B: we're practically the same fucking age.

Chung:Then it must really hurt to know how much more I've achieved in life. Decorated veteran. President-in-waiting.

Dan:Oh, okay. Do you see this? See this right here? You know what this is? This is me playing 'Fuck You' on the world's biggest cello.

Chung:Oh, I think someone just suicide bombed their own future.

Dan:God, you know, if I had a dollar for every time you mentioned that goddamn war, I would buy a tank and I would blow your fat fucking head off.

Selina:You get fucked by everybody in DC -- your friends, your enemies, your colleagues, your fucking family. That's Washington, DC, for you. DC -- District of Cunts.

Jonah:This is a restricted area. We're like Area 51 except more restricted.

Jonah:I don't know. Information-wise, I am becalmed.

Gary · Dana:Hey. Hey. / Gary who I'm gonna marry. Fiancée in the house. Ooh, ooh! / This is not a good time, baby.

Dana:He should get the basket. Right? We'll get him to tweet about it. It'll be great publicity. You know I'm right.

Andrew · Selina:You've got to mello yellow. / Don't tell me not to panic. I know how to freak out, okay? Everybody can just shut the shit up.

Selina:We got to make a statement. Because I think POTUS is coming here to kick me off the ticket. And I've got to make a statement saying I'm leaving the ticket before he drops me from it. I've got to jump before we get stabbed in the back.

Selina:I'm gonna run against Chung. Okay? I'm gonna take myself off the ticket. I'll run against Chung and I'll run against POTUS. It'll be like a political massacre.

Amy · Selina · Gary · Selina:Quit freaking out. You need to get your head together. / What do you mean? The president's gonna be here any second. / Lookie, lookie, lookie, lookie. / This is for you. / What? / It's like a Pecorino peace offering.

Jonah:Make a hole, yo. POTUS coming through. Make a hole.

T.J. · Jonah:T.J.: You're not the president. / No, but you're not Justin Bieber either, are you, sport?

Selina:Am I about to get whacked?

Chung:What's going on here? Is it Bring a Disparate Person to Work Day?

Dan:Uh, Selina is about to get a Potal bullet through the head and you are all about to be unemployed and homeless. But, Amy, I don't want you to worry. You can crash at my place.

Amy:Take a flare gun, put it in your mouth, and blow your head off.

Ed:Listen to yourselves. You people are monsters.

Sue · Ed:Sue: Ed, you really need to can it right now. / Do not comment on this office, okay? / Hey, Sue, don't talk to me that way, okay? You're the secretary to the vice president. That's like being Garfunkel's roadie, okay?

Chung · Ben · Ben:So this is Selina's team in action. That explains a lot to me. / Likewise. Yeah, well, they're actually better than my team. My team is just fucking horrible.

Jonah:Ma'am, of all the places that I have liaised, I have enjoyed liaising here the most.

Ben:POTUS, he knew the gig was up because Doyle, Furlong, Chung all turned the party against him. I mean, it was just, you know, RIP-OTUS. Just complete sinking shit.

Dan:And the science fair speech was plagiarized from Chung. Just wanted you to know that up front.

Selina · Dan · Selina · Dan · Amy · Selina:What? What? What? What? / Yep. / You're kidding. / No. / And so it begins. / Yeah, with a kick to the tits.

Selina · Gary:Who gives a flying fuck? / ( all laugh ) / Not yet. / Sorry. I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it.

Ed · Amy:I didn't arrive soon enough to be able to cut out the cancer. / Oh, no, I think you arrived with a man bag filled with tumors.

Ben:Because he relied on those two guys. One a burnt-out loser, the other a conniving robot.

Jonah · Selina · Jonah:Oh, hello, kids. / Oh, my God, have you been here this whole time? / M&Ms for the scientists.

Selina:I think that the president should only have her staff here. / Or his staff. You know, their staff. I mean, I've never seen -- like that one we just passed, I don't know who that person is. I've never seen that person in my life. No business being here.

Selina:Politics is about people, don't you think? Yeah. It is when you think about it. 'Cause without people, you can't have politics.

Selina · Reporter(implied):Selina did not plagiarize Danny Chung's speech. Mike's already told you that. / No, I am not plagiarizing Mike. I know it's boring, but, hey, I'm boring.

Ed · Selina · Ed:We're still together, right? / Ed, I haven't got time. / Time for us or do you mean time as a general concept?

Selina:Was your mom plagiarizing the Bible when she said, 'Oh, God, oh, God'?

Selina:The president's chair is a couple inches higher than the rest of the chairs in the Oval Office. And I used to think, 'Oh, my God, that's so ridiculous.' But now I think it makes sense because I think it's a good psychological trick.

Gary:Oh, she loved the cheese. Loved it.

Science Kid · Selina:When I grow up, I want to be vice president just like you. / Oh, no, you don't. You want to be president.