Running

Sue:Sue says 'I'm sorry' reflexively then immediately corrects herself: 'Actually, I'm not sorry. I'm not sure why I just said that.'

Selina:'I mean, I lied and everything, but it sounded true, at least.'

Dan:Dan: 'Just need six more years like today, and they will vote us POTUS.'

Selina:'I can run that thing in a suit of armor.'

Selina:'Give them all donor boners.'

Selina:'Hey, why doesn't POTUS just make an apology? I mean, I did and I was only, like, suicidal for a week. Huh?'

Ben:'He's got a cave full of bats in his skull.'

Ben:'One of Gaddafi's sons. They're polling better.'

Ben:'What are you going to do for an encore? Blow the opening day pitch out of your ass?'

Ben:'We are at DEFCON fuck.'

Selina:'Sidney Purcell, talking to him, it's like being stuck in a sewer pipe filled with dead rats.'

Gary:'He's got money to burn. Not that donating to your campaign is burning money.'

Selina · Gary:'I know what this is all about. This is a political prick tease today.' / 'Yeah, and we're about to meet a bunch of pricks.'

Mike:'The West Womb!'

Selina · Staff:Selina: 'You know, my niece loves Katy Perry.' Staff: 'Just like I said, get Dan.'

Dan · Selina:'The Young Chungers.' / 'It's like you think in hashtags.'

Dan:'Maybe we can call the over 65ers the Granny Chungs. Something. No, I'll keep working on that one.'

Selina:'You're young, you're hip, you're hop.'

Dan:'Your mix is my command.'

Sue · Selina:Elvis Costello suggestion rejected: 'What? No, no, and no.' / 'Are you getting these all from your iPod?' / 'No. I think it's in a cloud.'

Dan:'Well, the way POTUS is going, he'll probably stumble into a war sooner or later. Chung will reenlist and hopefully get himself killed.'

Martin:'Duchess is down. Yellow, yellow. I repeat, duchess is down. Go, Rick.'

Gary:'Don't move. We're gonna have to cut your clothes off you. I walked through a glass door before. This is what you do, okay? You're kidding. No, I was fine because I was drunk.'

Gary:'I've got some St. John's wort for pain relief if you want it. It's herbal. It's from the earth. You can take six, it won't affect you.'

Mike · Sidney Purcell:Mike lies to donors: 'She's stuck on a call with the Australian ambassador.' Sidney Purcell: 'The Australian ambassador? Oh, that's good. I've never heard that one before.'

Mike · Sidney Purcell:Mike: 'But the Vice President is in great spirits. She's buoyantly waiting to meet you all.' Purcell: 'Like I said, it's a call.'

Danny Chung:'Strength is being flexible and steadfast. The living willow, not the dead oak.'

Danny Chung:'...and that aspiration is to one day hope to dream together.'

Dan:'This is awkward. Like catching your sister's eye at an orgy.'

Amy:Amy's response: 'Well, my sister would never be at an orgy. Too uptight. She would want health records from everyone and just kill the momentum and...'

Dan:Dan: 'Okay. I'm disappointed in you. This is the kind of behavior I would expect from myself. But from you? Uh-huh.'

Dan · Amy:Dan: 'So we both jump together. You know, Butch and Sundance.' Amy: 'Don't they both die?' Dan: 'No, not when they jump. They die at the end.'

Sue:'Yeah, that woman has become a living metaphor of her own career.'

Selina:'I feel like one of those old used footballs that they fixed up for the kids at an orphanage.'

Mike:Mike: 'Unless you want to go down there and sing them a chorus of Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee, you can't go downstairs.'

Staff member (Amy or Dan):'I guess we just follow the trail of her blood and Gary's tears.'

Dan:'I think I got that off a Catholic schoolgirl once.'

Gary · Amy · Dan:Gary: 'it can react badly with the body if she's already on immunosuppressants, beta-blockers, or antidepressants.' / Amy and Dan simultaneously: 'Oh, okay, fine. She's not on any of those.' / Beat / 'Well, she is on antidepressants.'

Selina · Gary:Gary: 'Who has the presidential suite?' Selina: 'I heard Russell Crowe.' Gary: 'Russell Crowe, Gladiator.' Selina: '"I'll be back."'

Gary · Selina:Gary reveals his backstory: grew up in Birmingham, Alabama; father 'always wanted a man for a son'; parents are celebrating their 40th anniversary. Selina: 'Can I come?'

Selina:Selina high on St. John's wort/antidepressants: 'God, I hope Iran drops a nuke on DC. Wouldn't that solve a lot of issues?'

Selina:Selina: 'Except Kent wouldn't go anywhere. He'd still be around. He's like an undead cockroach with his... He's got that blank look. I bet he doesn't even have a come face.'

Selina · Amy:'Can you imagine fucking that guy?' — Amy's appalled reaction

Selina:Selina immediately pivots to: 'Amy, you have such pretty blonde hair. Doesn't she? So pretty.'

Mike · Sidney Purcell:Mike to donors: 'Unfortunately, the Vice President is still stuck on a phone call with Australia, so she's going to have to postpone...' Purcell: 'Mike, you know, in the southern hemisphere, the bullshit actually flows the other way. Did you know that?'

Sidney Purcell · Unnamed donor:'I guess it's funny because we've all done it at one point.' [MAN: 'I haven't.'] 'I pushed someone through a plate glass door once. That was fucking hilarious.'

Sidney Purcell:'You are liaison to the VP, right? That's your liaison d'étre?'

Jonah · Sidney Purcell:'I mean, that is tantamount to calling the President Jonad.' Purcell: 'No, it's not. He's the President, you're Jonad.'

Jonah · Sue · Ben:Jonah: 'Hello there, Susan.' Sue: 'Name's not Susan, it's Sue, Jonad.' Jonah: 'Okay, and my name isn't Jonad!' Sue: 'It's Jonah.' Ben: 'No one here is disrespecting you, Jonad.'

Sue · Ben:Sue's careful double-negative dance: 'The Vice President was not at a brunch with campaign donors.' / Ben: 'I would hope that she was not. Otherwise, I'm not sure if I wouldn't be within my rights not to launch a drone strike right now.' / Sue: 'I got lost in the double negative, sir.'

Ben:Ben: 'Cut your face off and give it to the VP if you have to.'

Gary · Selina:Gary and Selina vocalizing and dancing together about going to the anniversary party

Gary · Selina:Gary and Selina vocalizing dance moves together / 'Dance on.' / 'I'm really excited for that party.'

Amy · Gary:Amy: 'She's out of her fucking mind.' Gary: 'She's coming to my parents' 40th wedding anniversary.' Amy: 'Yeah, exactly, Gary. She's out of her fucking mind.'

Gary · Dan:Gary: 'It's herbal. It's from the earth.' Dan: 'So are mushrooms, dipshit.' Gary: 'Okay, that's illegal drugs.'

Dan · Mike · Selina:Dan buys Mike's boat while Selina is clearly intoxicated: 'Shake on it, Magic Mikey.' / Mike: 'You just got a boat.' Dan: 'And I just got a vote.'

Amy · Selina:Amy: 'Look, she is fuckin' high right now.' (beat) / [sound of Selina urinating] / [Selina laughing]

Amy:'You didn't happen to notice that the Veep is tripping balls?'

Amy:'Gary gave her something that is reacting with her antidepressants and turning her into Julie Andrews.'

Staff · Amy or Dan:'What if we pump her stomach?' / 'I've had my stomach pumped before. I think I can figure it out.'

Dan:'You just broke his brain, Amy. Jesus, look at his stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it.'

Jonah:Jonah makes his big decision pronouncement: 'Ca-fuckin'-pisce?' — then accidentally calls someone by the wrong name ('What in the hell is your problem, Andrew?')

Jonah:Jonah: 'I can even say your name the other way...' [pause] 'Haney.' [longer pause — the room processes this]

Jonah:Jonah immediately falls asleep/snores after his 'I handled that pretty well' declaration

Selina · Gary:'There's something so sexy about being in a hotel in the middle of the day, right?' Gary: 'Yep, four people to one toilet. You can hear everything that hits the water.'

Gary · Amy:Amy on the phone to Gary about clothes: 'Just get back here.' Gary: 'Amy, Amy, Amy. Give me a number between one and four, please.' Amy: 'Four.' Gary: 'I think I prefer three.' Amy: 'Fucking three, then.' Gary: 'Actually, four's good.'

Jonah · Amy:Jonah: 'Do I need to draw you a line graph, Jonah? More time equals less cuckoo.' / 'We need to take a cold dump on the speculation.' / 'the ring is a hat-free zone. No berets, no Stetsons, no beanies...' Amy: 'Why are you just listing hats?'

Jonah · Amy:Jonah: 'We need to take a cold dump on the speculation.' / 'We need to send the message that the ring is a hat-free zone. No berets, no Stetsons, no beanies...' / Amy: 'Why are you just listing hats?'

Amy · Jonah:Amy: 'Yeah, in 700 days of working with us, you've been right once.' Jonah: 'Sit like a gentleman, please?'

Selina · Ben:Reporter asks about the run; VP: 'I fully intend to run.' — the room hears it as presidential announcement. Ben: 'Oh, no, that's a fucking wire brush to my hemorrhoids.'

Selina · Mike · Reporter:Reporter: 'Were there any mitigating circumstances? Was there carpeting or...' / Mike: 'Yes.' / Selina: 'Yes.' / Mike: 'There was.' / Selina: 'Yes, it has been confirmed that there was carpeting there.'

Sidney Purcell · Reporter:Purcell to reporter: 'So she's either crazy or she's starting a presidential campaign.' Reporter: 'Yeah, I'd say the two are synonymous.'

Ben · Jonah:Ben: 'Fix it, or I'll liaise your balls to your desk.' / Jonah: 'Yes, sir. And thank you for your continued...' Ben hangs up.

Amy · Dan · Jonah:Jonah: 'She can't do the Fun Run.' Amy: 'She can barely do a convincing walk at the moment.' Dan: 'Can and will.' Amy: 'Can't and won't.' Dan: 'Now go up and screw a pillow. The room's paid for.'

Selina · Mike · Dan · Gary:The Taiwan cartoon: anime-style news report showing Selina walking into a glass door, everyone laughing including Selina

Selina · Staff:'They're asking if you're up to the job, ma'am.' Selina: 'Am I up to the job? Ooh, jeez... Seriously, I am totally overqualified for this job.'

Selina:Flowers from Secretary Maddox: 'Good luck with your Fun Run. Try not to swear when the starter pistol goes off.' / Selina: 'He's just a varicose dick vein. I can't stand that guy.'

Ben:Ben: 'I went to a Mexican karaoke restaurant, and I did Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen. I changed the "hallelujah" to "jalapeño."'

Jonah:Jonah's response: 'Oh, I can imagine that was very funny, sir.'

Ben:Ben on Jonah: 'You don't get the complexity. You're the world's biggest single-cell organism.'

Selina:Selina: 'Like Sophie's Choice choices, except more important because it's gonna be about me.'

Dan · Amy:Dan and Amy watching Selina on stage: 'She is definitely wearing too much makeup.' 'She looks like Marcel Marceau.' 'He couldn't tell the difference between real glass and air either.'

Dan · Mike:Dan: 'Did we warn her one of the Get Moving ambassadors was a one-legged veteran?' / 'He's behind her. She's never gonna see him.' / 'Does it look good, her beating a one-legged guy like that?'

Dan:Dan: 'The key is we make it look like she could beat the guy, but then she lets him win.' / 'Yeah, a win-win by losing. That's good.'

Gary · Selina:Gary tries to stop Selina: 'No, your face looks fine. You're beating a disabled guy.' Selina: 'Oh, come on. Don't be so hard on yourself, Gary.'

Gary:Gary: 'I can't stop her. She's unstoppable.'

Ben:Ben on the phone during the race crisis: 'Burn everything incriminating, including this building. Burn all the White House pets and then yourselves. Burn yourselves first.'

Dan · Amy:Dan and Amy betting on whether Jonah will listen to Dan or Amy: Amy: 'So which one of us do you think Andre the Giant Jagoff is gonna obey?' Dan: 'I'm surprised he gets to work without being hit by a car or punched in the mouth.'

Selina:Selina (panting, mid-race): 'Cut to the chase, Amy. I'm being overtaken by a banana.'

Selina:Selina: 'Yeah, I'm not gonna get beaten by a banana.'

Selina:Post-race: Selina says she's 'done' — the team thinks she means tired. She means: 'I am done. I am done with all of it. The vice presidency... Forget it.'

Selina:Selina post-race epiphany: 'I smell like a hobo's craphole.'

Selina:Selina: 'I smell like a hobo's craphole.'

Selina:Selina, mid-political-declaration: 'Hey, do you know what my time was, by the way? Like an eight-minute mile. That.'

Selina · Mike:Mike: 'Hey, ma'am. I have some sort of hazy memory of me promising to buy your boat.' [pause] 'Yeah, you did. Well remembered.' Selina: 'That's not gonna happen. You can't hold me to that, right?' Mike: 'Yeah, no. Sure. Of course.'

Mike:'Man, that is low. That's like trying to have sex with somebody who's passed out.'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'Hey, ma'am. About my parents' party...' Selina: 'What? I thought your parents were dead.'

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'I mean, why wouldn't I make that assumption? Why wouldn't...' Gary: 'Right. Yeah, totally. Yeah.' Selina: 'All right, let's back up for a second here. Your parents are not dead.' Gary: 'Nope. Mmm-mmm.' Selina: 'It's so funny that you thought that they were, too.'

Mike:Mike's final line: 'I thought you were adopted.'