First Response

Selina:'Welcome, America.' — Selina's grandiose aside to no one in particular as Dan describes the interview as 'America is a guest in your home'

Dan · Selina:The 'bluff puff' / 'rough puff' media strategy taxonomy, culminating in 'All right, Puff Daddy'

Selina · Gary:'What is this one doing?' / 'He is moving a legless horse.'

Dan · Selina · Amy:Bluff puff... rough puff. Nobody does rough puff like you. Rrr. Give me that rough puff. / All right, Puff Daddy.

Catherine:Catherine introduces herself to Janet and mentions studying 'film studies and postmodern dance'

Catherine:'I'm taking this really cool class where we sort of debate current issues through movement.'

Selina · Gary:The microphone packing problem — 'looks like I'm masturbating if I got my hands in my pockets' / 'too FDR?'

Selina:Selina asks the camera crew to kneel because she 'feels like she fell into a well'

Selina:Selina mid-prep: 'Well, I took my ex down to the river and I tried to smash his head in with a rock and then drown--'

Cody Marshall:The producer Cody Marshall arrives to find everyone crouching: 'I'm sorry, am I interrupting a team prayer meeting?'

Dan:Janet Ryland's dress described: 'like she vomited flowers all over herself'

Dan:'She's kind of a frumpy librarian.'

Janet:Janet: 'I think you've grown since then. Either that or you've gotten shorter. No, it's me. I've got heels on.'

Janet:Janet: 'Oh, yeah, I think this is our fourth vice presidential interview... The three of them were excellent, so no pressure.'

Selina:Selina: 'But my spam filter did.' (responding to whether she got Janet's e-mail on interview topics)

Janet · Selina:Janet: 'I thought it might be fun to talk about what's original and what's been augmented over the years. We're talking about the building, right?' / Selina: 'Because I'm original.'

Selina:objay-ects-- objects

Selina:'Jolly Jack Tars' — Selina's inexplicably nautical enthusiasm for Navy antiques

Selina · Janet:Janet pivots from the navigational device tour to asking about the CIA operative; Selina retreats to: 'This is a bell.'

Selina · Janet:Selina to Janet during the no-sound hallway walk: 'I'm really hoping that that's gonna be the last and only gotcha question.' / Janet: 'It just seemed to me that you were wanting me to bring it up.'

Selina:Selina: 'I hate this house, to tell you the truth. It's like living in a doll's jail.'

Selina:Lighting/body issues: Selina puts hands as directed and says 'that looks like I have a stomachache'

Gary · Dan:Yeah, let me just pull that out of my ass. / It's DC. You can find someone willing to open their ass on a Sunday.

Lighting Director · Dan:Lighting director: 'Yeah, let me just pull that out of my ass.' / Dan: 'It's DC. You can find someone willing to open their ass on a Sunday.'

Selina:Selina: 'Sadly, I don't have a lot of time to read fiction.' (about Randall Howard's political couples book)

Dan · Amy:Dan and Amy spot each other through a window while plotting, described as 'Apocalypse Now'

Dan:Dan: 'you might as well cut out eyeholes and peer through a fucking newspaper'

Dan · Amy:The team's dilemma: They can't tell Selina about Andrew's e-mail because Janet is right there — 'You don't think she's gonna notice we're whispering in her ear? Then she gets on and she tells this dildo to look it up.'

Amy · Dan:Amy: 'Andrew's fucking us again.' / Dan: 'He's screwed us in all known dimensions.'

Dan · Amy · Andrew:'He's political poison. He's political--' / cut to: 'Hi, Andrew.'

Janet · Selina:Janet drops the Andrew email bomb on camera: 'a blog has reported that your ex-husband promised a lobbyist favorable access to your office'

Janet:Janet reads out Andrew's email: '...and then there's one of those winking emoticons at the bottom there.'

Selina:Selina: 'I'm guessing that that was meant as some sort of a joke.' (about Andrew's email on live camera)

Selina:Selina: 'We're not telepathically linked. He can't read my mind.'

Gary · Selina:Gary adjusts Selina's microphone at the break and gets yelled at: 'Ow! Whoa! Okay, my ears are my livelihood.'

Dan:Dan: 'I know that you want to kill somebody right now... but unfortunately it can't be anyone in the building.'

Selina · Andrew:Selina confronts Andrew: 'When I invited you here to the residence to fuck me, I didn't mean this.'

Andrew:Andrew: 'How easy is it for the Vice President of the United States to get some casual sex, hmm? I'm convenient.'

Selina:Selina: 'That is right. I am the Vice President of the United States and I choose now not to fuck you anymore.'

Andrew:Andrew: 'Time will tell.' (responding to Selina's declaration she's done fucking him)

Andrew:Andrew: 'Yeah, you look awful.' (to Selina as she says she has to change)

Dan · Amy:Oh, Andrew's been veep-fucking? You knew about this? / Okay, this is a category five shit storm. She's over. She's done. I'm gone.

Dan:Dan's reaction to learning Andrew has been staying in Selina's bedroom: 'Oh, Andrew's been veep-fucking? You knew about this?' — 'Okay, this is a category five shit storm. She's over. She's done. I'm gone.'

Selina · Camera Director:No, no, I understand what an entrance is and how to greet people. I get that. / That's great. Oh, here he comes! / No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.

Selina · Cody Marshall:The film crew asks to shoot Andrew's 'entrance' at the attic for establishing shots; Selina: 'We don't have a front door in our attic like in some sort of Dr. Seuss book'

Janet · Selina:Sometimes filming these off-guarded moments, things get a little tense. / Well, no, it's not tense at all. We're having a great time and I'm thrilled you guys are here.

Selina:Selina, after announcing the shutdown resolution: 'It's like when you loosen a pickle jar and somebody comes by and they just open it. This is the shutdown lid loosener.'

Jonah · Selina:Knock, knock, J Rock is in the-- / Whoa, whoa, whoa. / We're in the middle of filming.

Jonah:Jonah introduces himself to Janet: 'Guilty.' (when she describes him as 'one of the more colorful characters in the West Wing')

Jonah:Jonah offers Janet his card for 'inside the West Wing' appearances: 'I give great talking head.'

Jonah:We switched America back on.

Janet · Selina:Janet: 'The resolution took less time than you anticipated.' / Selina: 'Well, it took all the time leading up to this time.' / Janet: 'So you were expecting a solution today?' / Selina: 'Yes, I was, yes.'

Selina:Janet, it's like when you loosen a pickle jar and somebody comes by and they just open it. This is the shutdown lid loosener.

Selina:Janet presses on the shutdown deal details; Selina: 'I can— it's— you know— I can and I also want to eat some lunch. Are we hungry?'

Janet · Cody:That reminded me why I got into this business. / I am so attracted to you right now.

Dan · Amy:Dan: 'Oh, my God, she didn't know. That reminded me why I got into this business. I am so attracted to you right now.'

Selina:Selina desperately searches for a peeler in an unfamiliar kitchen — 'I know this kitchen like the back of my hand' — while the camera crew watches

Selina:Where -- I'm trying to remember where -- you know how sometimes you have something in your kitchen, you know where it is, and then all of a sudden you can't find it? And that is what's happened to me right now.

Selina · Camera Person:Camera person: 'I'm not here.' / Selina immediately forgets and talks to them: 'I'm talking to myself. Where are you, peeler?'

Selina:'Are you working for the vegetable lobby?' — Selina to Catherine after she effusively praises vegetables

Andrew:Andrew on camera about the Get Moving campaign: 'I discovered a local organic butcher. And... he does a lot of... grass-fed... Grass-fed cattle and free-range chickens.'

Selina:Grass-fed cattle and free-range chickens... [long pause, trails off]

Catherine · Janet:Catherine: 'I really love the roasted brussels sprouts that my mom and dad make.' [17:19] — long pause — 'Yep.'

Selina · Catherine:Selina to Catherine: 'You never told me that you were a vegetarian.' / Catherine: 'I told you three months ago.'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'Now that she mentions it, I think it does sound familiar.' / Selina: 'Completely useless.'

Selina · Catherine:Selina: 'You swallowed chicken your entire life. You're gonna do it again today.' / Catherine: 'I swallowed your bullshit my entire life.'

Andrew:Okay, look, little lady, we don't talk to your mother like that.

Dan · Amy:Dan to Amy after the Catherine outburst: 'You know when you're 12 and you just get rid of it?' / Amy: 'No. Speak for yourself.'

Amy · Catherine · Dan:It's gonna look really bad for your mom if she doesn't know that you're a vegetarian on TV. / I'm not gonna sacrifice my morals for her career anymore. / I've done that. It's not that bad.

Dan · Janet:With all due respect, this is not news. This is the fucking Food Channel you got here. / Okay, well, with all due respect, fuck you. I own the edit on your shit-show politician that you connected yourself to, not me, you little gremlin.

Dan · Janet:Dan: 'This is the fucking Food Channel you got here.' / Janet: 'With all due respect, fuck you. I own the edit on your shit-show politician... you little gremlin.'

Janet · Catherine:Janet to Catherine: 'And has it been a happy divorce for you, Catherine?' Catherine: 'Yeah. I think knowing that my mom had to be available 24 hours a day really taught me not to be too demanding as a child.'

Catherine:Catherine: 'I'm a big music fan, so I usually try to explain my parents in terms of music. They're like the Beatles — better as a band, or Michael Jackson — better solo. Although not a great parent, admittedly.'

Selina · Andrew:Selina: 'Well, actually, he did okay with his own kids. It's when other kids got involved that it got real dicey. But, no, then he did dangle that one from a great height.' — Andrew's reaction as [stage direction implied]

Amy:Amy's complete meltdown on Dan: 'If you'd just let someone get close enough to fuck some sunshine into you, you'd shut your mouth!'

Gary:Gary: 'Fuck my face. You hear that?' — repeating what Amy said to him ('Fuck your face, Gary')

Dan:Dan: 'Antique windows. Bring it down.' (twice) — apparently the code to calm the situation while also referencing the actual environment

Dan · Amy:Dan: 'Amy, let's go find your dignity over here, okay?' / Amy: 'At least I am giving a shit. You are flatlining all day.'

Amy:Amy produces a hand-drawn graph of Selina's performance: 'Look at this nice little graphic. Here's time, here's her fucking career.' — a flat line with a possible tiny uptick 'because she didn't barf her food all over the table'

Dan:Look, I've graphed her performance, okay? Look at this. Look at this nice little graphic. Here's time, here's her fucking career. Now maybe there should be a little uptick because she didn't barf her food all over the table, I don't know.

Dan:Dan sings 'Dixie' to calm Amy down: 'When my memaw used to find herself getting snappy, she would sing her favorite song. ♪ Oh, I wish I were in the land of cotton...'

Selina · Andrew · Catherine · Janet:Favorite family vacation question reveals: Selina says 'White water rafting,' Andrew says 'Italy,' Catherine says 'Disneyland' then reveals Rosa the housekeeper took her

Selina · Catherine · Janet · Andrew · Selina:No, honey, we didn't ever go to Disneyland. / Oh, no, you didn't take me. Rosa took me with her family. / Who's Rosa? / She was a... / She was... / housekeeper. / Housekeeper, that's right.

Selina:Selina: 'India was awful.' (as a competing vacation memory, cutting off Catherine's Disneyland story)

Dan:Calling Tel Aviv — Dan's aside about Catherine's Iranian-American boyfriend Rahim

Selina:How about this? How about I lift up my dress, give everyone a big fat shot of my cooch?

Gary · Selina:Use the Force, ma'am. / I don't even know what that means. / Big and bold. What do you mean? Like a medley from 'Okla'-fucking-'homa'?

Dan:Look, I tried to wake her up, okay? I have no choice but to be the fucking curveball.

Catherine · Janet:Catherine: 'I'm in a very different phase of my life. You know, my boyfriend and I are very young and not really talking about marriage. And this would be Rahim?' — outing of the Iranian boyfriend on live TV

Janet · Catherine:Catherine, would you vote for your parents to get back together again? / No, no, no. This way, I get a Christmas and a birthday present off of each of them.

Catherine:No, no, no. This way, I get a Christmas and a birthday present off of each of them.

Janet:Janet: 'That is an interesting name.' (upon hearing 'Rahim')

Andrew · Selina:Perhaps it's possible that I have overplayed my hand. / Well, I think it's safe to say that Andrew overreached and just said something silly.

Andrew:Andrew's testimony strategy: 'I, too, would like to refrain until I find out just exactly what it is I'm accused of having said or not said.'

Janet · Selina:Janet: 'I'm sorry, was that a question for me or Selina?' / Selina: 'I think that question is for me.'

Selina:Selina interrupts Andrew's stonewalling: 'I want to talk about the spy. The CIA operative.'

Selina:Selina's big interview closer: 'Because in politics, a backbone and a heart are only as good as your ears. And my ears are my livelihood.'

Dan:Dan: 'I spewed out so much bullshit, I'm gonna need a mint. A fucking mint.'

Catherine:Oh, Jesus Christ. [on learning her parents are 'having a talk' upstairs]

Jonah · Dan · Amy:Jonah: 'I'm just gonna head back if anybody needs me-- West Wing.' / Dan and Amy: 'No one does, Jonah.' / 'No one needs you, Jonah.'