New Hampshire

Ben:Ben: 'Am I dreaming? Do I have my pants on?'

Ben:Ben: 'Ma'am, I don't wanna piss on your bliss, but...'

Mike · Selina:Mike yells 'President of the United States!' after pretending to forget what Selina is becoming.

Selina:Selina: 'She's calling me a Single Lady.' (about Beyoncé's voicemail)

Amy:Amy: 'I'm not sure that Beyoncé fully understands that.' (about Selina still needing to campaign while being president)

Selina · Staff member:Selina: 'Holy shit. It's like Lolla-fucking-palooza.' / 'It's like I'm a Beatle.' Staff member: 'Well, you got the haircut for it.'

Dan · Selina:Dan: 'From Ashton Kutcher's assistant, Ashton says congrats.' Selina: 'Assistant?'

Ben:Ben: 'Goodbye, China.' (after learning Selina will acquire nuclear codes)

Selina:Selina: 'Is Jack Ruby still alive?' (after suggesting they 'take out' political rivals)

Selina:Selina: 'God, there's so many people in here. It's like a Mormon orgy.'

Selina:Selina: God, there's so many people in here. It's like a Mormon orgy.

Selina · Ben:Ben: 'Here, boy. Come to me.' (Selina calling for Ben like a dog)

Ben · Kent:Ben: 'Do you want me to tell you which of those two to fire?' / 'Kent. Just kidding, Kent.'

Ben:Ben reveals he was 'bulimic the whole first year' as Chief of Staff 'and didn't even lose any weight from it.'

Selina:Selina: No, you weren't. None of that is true. What are you talking about?

Selina:Selina: 'I am 10 centimeters dilated. I'm fully effaced. I mean, this presidency is crowning. I need you.'

Selina:Selina: 'Ben, I swear to sweet Jesus Christ, if you don't do this, I'm gonna bring back Prohibition.'

Male reporter:Male reporter: 'He's so Washington, his blood type is DC.'

Amy:Amy: 'Thank you for interrupting your studies, your start-ups, your retirements, your federal sentences.'

Mike:Mike: 'This is an historic moment. I'm not talking about this first female president thing. I'm talking about the first redhead press secretary.'

Mike:Mike: 'Big crowd today. Something important happen that I'm missing?' (entering the White House briefing room)

Mike:Mike: 'Any questions? You know what, I'll do the first one myself. Uh, Mike McLintock, why are you so darn handsome?' (press corps laughs) 'Uh, why are you laughing at that one?'

Dan:Dan refers to Kelly and Richard Splett as 'Dynamic Duo — Batman, Boy Wonder... young... Lady Wonder.'

Richard Splett:Richard Splett: 'I'll hit the phones until I have a sore throat and a hot ear.'

Dan · President Hughes aide:Dan Egan: 'I bring bad news to the closet.' (meeting held in a closet)

Dan · President Hughes aide:Dan: 'Give you 24 hours? Like in a movie?' / 'No, I mean, yes. Please.' / 'You have six hours. We can't afford 24.' / 'Or for six hours, depending on how you do.' / 'Alternatively, goodbye forever.'

Dan · Boss:Boss: Give you 24 hours? Like in a movie? / Dan: No, I mean, yes. Please. / Boss: You have six hours. We can't afford 24.

Mike:Mike: 'They fuckin' love me in there, Ben. My bit about gun control killed. My bit about voter ID laws identified itself as hilarious.'

Ben:Ben: 'You know, I told you when I was telling you I wasn't telling you what I told you. The fuck stops here, Dan.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'So I'm gonna go to Africa and help install sewage systems in poor communities or whatever. Or go to Wall Street, I don't know. One of the two.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah: 'But, Dan... I've never told a lie in my life.' Dan: 'That was a lie. Try to keep up, Egan.'

Dan:Dan's phone call: 'I would love to go for margaritas. Just to warn you, though... I do like to lick the rim.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'Three-pack-of-Kleenex Rachel? Yeah, I know Rachel.'

Kent · Dan:Kent: I don't want you on top of me. / Dan: Well, I'm going to be. So, work with it.

Kent · Gary:Kent and Gary fighting over office space in the West Wing, with Gary arguing 'That's my calculator' and Kent: 'You don't need an office. You have a bag.'

Selina · Catherine:Selina to her daughter Catherine: 'Couldn't have done it without ya.' Catherine: 'What have I done to help?' Selina: stammering non-answer.

Jonah · Dan:Jonah describes the meme of him 'fucking a chicken while dressed as bin Laden' and the debate over who is wearing the bin Laden costume.

Jonah · Dan:Jonah: 'I'm like a boom op on a porn shoot right now.' Dan: 'I can't have a terrorist chicken-fucker next to the president. Security risk.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'I'm like a boom op on a porn shoot right now.'

Gary · Selina:Gary has been carrying special shoes for Selina since a New York promise years ago — she doesn't remember making the promise.

Selina:Selina: 'This is like Kathy Bates in Misery.' (about Gary putting the shoes on her)

Dan:Dan: 'Yeah, except there's no bridesmaids to fuck.' (about the inauguration being like a wedding)

Selina · Gary:Selina's shoes squeak loudly throughout the entire inaugural address. Visual/audio gag: every step produces a loud mouse-toy squeak.

Dan · Aide:Dan: 'Jesus Christ, Gary. Are those real shoes or are those fucking dog toys?' Aide: 'Sounds like the theme from Psycho.'

Selina · Aides:Selina delivers her inaugural address while aides are loudly weeping and checking Twitter. 'Are you seeing this on Twitter?' / 'Yup. President squeaks to the nation.'

Gary · Selina:Gary weeps audibly during Selina's inaugural address. Selina shoots him an irritated look mid-speech.

Selina:Selina: 'Take these fucking shoes and shoot 'em in the fucking head.' / 'I am the most powerful person in the world. Is that correct?' / 'Yes, ma'am.' / 'Any fuckup from now on is not just a fuckup. It's my legacy. Got it? No fuckups.'

Selina · Kent · Mike:The Leslie Kerr/Leslie Carr/Leanne Carr name confusion chain — Selina fires the wrong person entirely.

Mike:Mike: It was a mishearing which led to a misspeaking which led to a misfiring.

Ben:Ben: 'You might as well drive a suicide clown car into the fucking Lincoln Memorial.'

Selina · Ben · Mike:Selina: 'What man is named Leslie, for fuck's sakes?' Ben/Mike: 'Leslie Nielsen. Leslie Moonves. Leslie Frazier, the coach for the Vikings...'

Kent · Selina:Kent lists men named Leslie — Leslie Nielsen, Leslie Moonves, Leslie Frazier the Vikings coach. / Selina: Doesn't matter. You're... good speech.

Selina:Selina: 'He's useless. He's a one-inch cock.' (about Secretary Maddox)

Reporter:Reporter: 'President Meyer is making Iran irate. Imagine what she could do in 24 hours. Imagine Selina Meyer is the only person keeping your children safe at night. 'Cause she is.'

Mike:Mike at press briefing: 'I mean, we all make mistakes... just ask your mom and dad.' (laughs) / 'Has President Meyer spoken to Iran?' 'I'm not able to answer that. Otherwise I'd have to have you killed.' (laughs)

Richard Splett:Richard Splett: 'I think they were deprived of fresh air at birth.' (about rude callers)

Kent:Kent: 'They only got one vote left in 'em, we need it.' / 'Warm, upright bodies that can still punch a hole in a card.'

Amy:Amy: 'Kent, your rhetoric, as always, is inspiring.'

Amy:Amy: 'He's got old people coming out of his ass.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah's negotiation demands: West Exec parking for the Cube, mess hall privileges, and 'somebody that works for me — a Jonah.' / 'And henceforth they will no longer be known as Jonahs. They'll be known as Jimmys or Pepes or Sarahs or whatever the fuck that person's name turns out to be. And you can't hire anyone named Jonah.'

Dan:Dan: 'Maybe Chung didn't torture that guy, but he sure is waterboarding the fuck out of us in the polls.'

Mike:Mike: 'Yeah, like a Snapchat presidency.' (about Selina potentially having the shortest administration in history)

Ben:Ben: 'Yeah, can we fly it into Danny Chung?' (about Air Force One)

Selina:Selina: 'Yeah, everybody wants to fuck 'em, too. God, I would love to fuck a firefighter. Hey, I'm the president. I can fuck anybody I want now, right? All the other ones have.'

Selina:Selina: Yeah, everybody wants to fuck 'em, too. God, I would love to fuck a firefighter. Hey, I'm the president. I can fuck anybody I want now, right? All the other ones have.

Aide:Aide: 'She is so good at making people believe she is good with people.' / 'She's on fire.' (barely audible chiming in background)

Dan · Aide:Dan: 'A great advantage that she has over the other candidates in this race is that she's the president.' Aide: 'She's not the president.'

Mike · Selina:Selina gets the oath wrong because Mike fell into a lamp during the ceremony.

Selina · Amy · Ben:Selina: 'Get a local judge to do it.' Amy: 'Wait, isn't that gonna look just a little bit tacky?' Ben: 'That could be really great for us. Play up to New Hampshire's already inflated sense of self-importance.'

Ben · Amy · Selina:Ben/Amy: 'Isn't that gonna look just a little bit tacky? / I don't think about it. / No, no, no. That could be really great for us. Play up to New Hampshire's already inflated sense of self-importance.'

Selina · Aides:Selina: 'Get Catherine, okay? 'Cause I gotta... you know... have her hold the thing.' All aides: 'The Bible.'

Ben:Ben: 'Iran is officially pissed that you fired Leslie Kerr. Apparently they liked the guy. It must be the beard.'

Ben:Ben: Apparently they liked the guy. It must be the beard.

Ben:Ben: 'So you'd rather piss off blue-collar truck drivers and their chicken-frying wives? Shh. We're surrounded by these people. Keep your voice down.'

Jonah:Jonah to Jeff Kane: 'I am just honored to be a part of your team. And I will serve you faithfully as long as you happen to be president.'

Catherine · Aide · Staffer:Catherine: I mean, I like this one better than the first one. / Aide: This looks ordinary, it looks relatable. / Staffer: It looks horrible. She looks like she's in 'Flashdance.'

Aides:Second swearing-in at the factory: aides debate photography, calling it 'Flashdance' and joking 'Thai lady-boy made head of sweatshop.'

Catherine · Mike:Catherine: 'I think there were fundamental issues with the New Hampshire campaign and I just wish I'd have been here earlier to advise you.' Mike: 'Campaigns are a lot more difficult than experimental dance troupes, Catherine.'

Mike:Mike: Campaigns are a lot more difficult than experimental dance troupes, Catherine.

Mike · Dan:Mike: 'It's good we won Dixville Notch.' Dan: 'It's got a population of 12, Mike.' Mike: 'I know, Dan, but it's famous.' Dan: 'Our Lord Jesus started with 12.' Mike: 'He didn't win New Hampshire, either.'

Selina:Selina comes in third in New Hampshire. A photo is taken of her devastated expression. She says: 'Delete that.'

Unnamed aide:Unnamed aide: 'It's one percent. That's nothing. All second in our eyes, I'll tell you that much.'

Dan · Jonah:Dan to Jonah (who wants a desk by the window): 'Yeah, Dan? Promise to jump out of it?' Jonah: 'Well, I'd be on the first floor, so that really wouldn't work, would it?'

Jonah:Jonah: Well, I'd be on the first floor, so that really wouldn't work, would it?

Amy · Selina:Amy: 'Don't get too concerned about New Hampshire, ma'am.' Selina: 'I came in third, Amy. Okay? Even the Nazis came in second.'