With Thornhill ahead in the polls, Selina and her staff discuss how to make her more "folksy." In need of a job, Jonah meets with Bill Ericsson. Selina has an interview with pretentious journalist Quincy Carter.
Wordplay carries a middling episode as cringe takes backseat to character comedy.
Directed by Chris Addison · Written by Simon Blackwell, Georgia Pritchett
WAR
168.5
Wins Above Replacement
“Crate” ranks #7 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 98.2 — Elite. The episode packs 100 scored jokes at 3.2 per minute, averaging 7.7 on craft and 7.7 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Dan: Someone has just flown two planes into my career.
Dan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Observational Quincy · Selina: What person, living or dead, do you most despise? / I really try not to hate anybody... / Ah. Most people say Hitler. / Um, well, yeah, certainly. I'm not a fan of Hitler. / So, change it to Hitler?
Quincy Selina Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Dan: But you? If you tried to clap, you'd miss your hands.
Dan Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Selina: You know what VP stands for? It stands for 'Victory Permafucked.'
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive Selina · Kent · Amy: Where's POTUS gonna live, though? / Where is he... / Yeah, 'cause doesn't he have to move? / That'll be taken care of. / No, but does he have a house? / Somebody will handle that. / You don't have to worry about that.
Selina Kent Amy Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Misdirection ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 100 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Selina: They're not even sound bites. They're just sounds.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Observational Staffer · Selina: I mean, he cornholed us in Iowa. / Well, that's appropriate. It's the corn state.
Staffer · Selina · Amy: He's killing us. / Please downplay them, I said. / She is downplaying them, ma'am.
Ben · Staffer: Remember when we only had five days left? / Those were good times. / Great times.
Selina · Amy: It's January, Mike. / Yeah, and I can't throw a ball, Mike.
Selina Amy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina · Gary: I'll look like Gary here. / Thank you. / Mm-hmm.
Amy: Nothing says 'regular American' like standing on a street corner shouting at strangers.
Amy Irony/Sarcasm Observational Selina: What, are you David Coppercock?
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Dan · Gary · Selina: The crate reveal — Gary opens a box within a box to reveal a reinforced speaking crate, injures himself, Selina delights in it
Dan Gary Selina Physical/Slapstick Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dan: Huh? See, it's folksy, it's traditional, and it's reinforced with titanium so you won't fall through.
Dan Absurdist Irony/Sarcasm Selina: It's fantastic. You guys, this could be the key image for the campaign. Me on a crate. I love this!
Selina Absurdist Character Comedy Selina: For two grand, you don't get a call from me. Okay? Just send him a button or something.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina: You know, they accuse you of not thinking outside the box, but I do think outside the box. You know what else I do? I stand on top of a box.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential Kent · Selina · Amy: POTUS is having a difficult time with FLOTUS and her... / Suicide attempt, yeah. / Yes. / I don't blame her. Imagine being married to that guy. I wouldn't put up with that shit for a second.
Selina: No, I like standing up here and looking down at everybody.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: Because if I don't communicate, guys, I communi-can't.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Selina · Impersonator/staffer: By the way, I gotta say you're doing a great job. Seriously, you do me better than I do me. / You do yourself a lot.
Dan: It's like a chicken came in your mouth.
Dan Dark/Subversive Wordplay/Pun Dan: Women and tall, talented men first.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dan: But you? If you tried to clap, you'd miss your hands.
Dan Setup/Punchline Character Comedy JJ · Dan: Boom, Isabella Herrera. / Mm-hmm. / Boom, Liz Graham. / Okay. / Ace up the sleeve... booya... Ally Craig. [long pause] Well, that's very interesting.
JJ Dan Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat Awkward Silence Dan: take your crazy eggs, stick 'em up your ass. / Meanwhile, I can now confidently spread the story that the Maddox camp is hemorrhaging like a burst dog.
Dan Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Gary · Dan: Oh, my God. It's like this thing is glued to the ground, Dan. / Just try to make it look like a regular crate, Gary, not Thor's hammer.
Quincy · Selina: I see you've brought your soon-to-be-famous crate. / Oh. / 'Crate Expectations.' / Oh, I love it!
Selina · Quincy: You'd have to be out of your mind to spend that kind of money for a crate. / Well, according to the manufacturer.
Quincy: She thinks it looks folksy, but she really looks like Dustin Hoffman on a crate.
Quincy Character Comedy Observational Quincy: I gotta go make noises out of my face hole or whatever it is I do.
Quincy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: You know, Quincy's retiring. The 'Globe' is gonna need somebody who's willing to be sucked up to and who likes to eat a lot of lunches. Think you're man enough for that?
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Mike · Selina: Leave Selina? That's not possible. / Is it? You would see a lot more of me. / Oh, no. That's not good.
Selina: What? Oh, my God. I cannot stand that affected butt plug.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: If I could lift the fucking crate, I'd beat him to death with it.
Selina Dark/Subversive Running Gag Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Staffer · Selina: Quincy's agreed to do a more substantial in-depth interview. We'll schedule it for tomorrow. / That would be the other option.
Selina: I hope he doesn't give her a crate to stand on. Otherwise she's gonna hang herself from the nearest light fixture.
Selina Dark/Subversive Running Gag Callback ★ Rewatch Callback JJ's Mom: Honey, come help Mom sort her pills. You used to love that.
JJ: I don't have any friends in DC, Mom. They all call me a dick behind my back. But, like, right behind my back so I can hear them.
JJ Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement JJ: God, I wish I had a dirty bomb.
JJ Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Absurdist JJ · JJ's Mom: You don't have to fuck him, Mom. You just have to call him. / What? / Don't give me that look. It's how DC people talk.
Quincy · Selina: What person, living or dead, do you most despise? / I really try not to hate anybody... / Ah. Most people say Hitler. / Um, well, yeah, certainly. I'm not a fan of Hitler. / So, change it to Hitler?
Quincy Selina Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Quincy · Selina · Staffer: What would you alter about your personality? / I guess I would say that I can be a little bit impatient. / Oh, God, yes, you can... be. / No.
Quincy · Selina: Neil Diamond gave the same answer. / Oh, what fun. I love him. 'Sweet Caroline' is so good, and 'Cracklin' Rosie' is just... / Why does God allow suffering?
Quincy · Selina: Why does God allow suffering? / Siri, why does God allow suffering?
Selina: I think that suffering can engender a kind of resilience. Although that doesn't really explain childhood cancers and...
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Misdirection Quincy: 'Childhood cancers.' Excellent answer.
Quincy Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: He has his head so far up his ass, he can wave out his mouth.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina · Staffer · Ben: GUMMI... Give Us More Money, Idiot. / What happened to HADDA... How About Digging Deeper, Assholes? / I always call them dicks. It doesn't stand for anything.
Selina · Mike · Gary · Amy: The team discovers Quincy's phone has been recording — panic ensues. 'It knows too much.' / 'Let's just throw it in the toilet.' / 'And say what, Mike?'
Staffer · Amy: 0001, 0002... / You cannot be serious.
Gary · Quincy: Mr. Carter, hi. Gary Walsh. I just wanted to say I'm a big fan. / Oh, thank you. You are from the South. I hear it in your voice. / I am. Alabama. / I just need to retrieve my cell phone. / You can't go in there at the moment, I'm sorry. / Why not? / I don't know. / ... / Matters of state? / I don't know.
Gary Quincy Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Awkward Silence ★ Rewatch Selina · Quincy: No, the light bulb's fine, see? / Oh, all right. Yeah. / See? Yeah. / I was just admiring it. Your charging portal is so clean. / Do you swab it? / No.
Staffer · Selina: It locked me out. / Smash it. / Are you kidding? / No, I'm not kidding. Violence solves everything.
Quincy: But for this relief, much thanks. / Exit, pursued by a bear.
Quincy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement JJ's Mom · JJ: First I want to apologize for what I said last time we spoke. You know when I've had a drink, I can be a little... / A bit of a bitch. / Be a little feisty.
JJ's Mom · JJ · Jeff (phone): Jeff agrees to make the call — then immediately asks 'So, Lucy... is she pregnant?'
Jeff (phone): She does drugs. She's got that tattoo...
JJ's Mom · JJ: He hung up. He's such a jackass. / But he's gonna make the call to Chung, right? / That's not gonna happen. / Oh, Mom! Oh, you are so annoying! How do you not just punch yourself in the face?
JJ's Mom JJ Character Comedy Escalation Cringe/Discomfort Jonah: Is there anyone else in our family that controls the senior citizen vote in New England? Because that'd be my next fucking call.
Jonah Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina · Staffer: And is there anybody else there? / An immigrant family from Syria who had a horrific time getting to America. / They're gonna be good to talk to.
Quincy (via article): GUMMI code exposed: 'Any organization donating to the Meyer campaign may want to reflect on how its tightfisted idiocy is mocked by the woman on the $1,200 crate.'
Selina: You know what VP stands for? It stands for 'Victory Permafucked.'
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive Selina: I don't deserve this. You know? God damn it. I don't, but you do because you are all losers! Every motherfucking one of you. Loser! Loser!
Selina Character Comedy Escalation Cringe/Discomfort Reporter · Amy · Ben: Is this your idea of fiscal responsibility? / I'm Amy Brookheimer. / Relax, relax. / A little room, please. / Hypertension kills.
Ben: Take your lithium, jag-offs.
Ben Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Mike: Let's find us a house, Wendy, where we can keep ducks. For us and the ducks. Of course, the kids, too.
Mike Character Comedy Absurdist Deadpan/Understatement Mike: I have to go see homeless people. / And see if there's one with a pool.
Mike Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Absurdist Selina: I mean, sometimes through no fault of your own, it's just one... disaster / after another disaster.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Staffer · Selina: He's acting weird. / Not normal weird, weird-weird. / What does that mean?
Kent: Kind of, in a way, and also not. And in a third way both.
Kent Character Comedy Absurdist Deadpan/Understatement Selina · Kent: What are you talking about? What is it? Are we at war? / Ma'am, we're America. We're always at war.
Selina Kent Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Observational Selina · Kent · Amy: Where's POTUS gonna live, though? / Where is he... / Yeah, 'cause doesn't he have to move? / That'll be taken care of. / No, but does he have a house? / Somebody will handle that. / You don't have to worry about that.
Selina Kent Amy Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Misdirection ★ Rewatch Selina · Gary: Um, I'm gonna be president. / Of course you are. I mean, there's always hope, ma'am. / No, no, no, no. I mean, um... POTUS is gonna resign... and I'm about to become president... of America!
Selina Gary Character Comedy Misdirection Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Gary · Selina: When I get excited, my nose bleeds. / What? / When I get excited, my nose bleeds! / Well, that's good.
Gary Selina Character Comedy Absurdist Physical/Slapstick ★ Rewatch Selina · Gary: Gary, there's... there's no toilet paper. / Go in my bag. / What? / Go in my bag.
Selina Gary Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Physical/Slapstick Selina · Gary: Wait, what... what is this for? / [mystery object from bag] / Oh, shit. That looks bad through here. / Stick these in your nose. / Shove these up there. That'll do the trick.
Selina Gary Visual Gag Physical/Slapstick Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Selina · Gary: Why is there a bicycle book? Gary, seriously, why... / I love bicycles.
Stranger/reporter · Selina: Everything all right? / Great.
Amy · Selina: Jesus, what the fuck happened to you? / Shh, listen, listen. The president is resigning. Selina is gonna be president.
Amy Selina Character Comedy Misdirection Reaction Beat Selina · Mike · Ben · Dan: POTUS is resigning. Selina's president. / Fuck off! / POTUS is gonna resign. Selina's gonna be president. / Oh, shit.
Mike: Oh, shit. / I was gonna raise ducks.
Mike Character Comedy Callback Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Fadi: Oh, Rye Harbor. Oh, that's lovely. So you had a safe arrival, which means that Lady Luck was with you. / Our journey was like a horrible dream. / Mm, right. / At one time, we hid in a well for five days.
Selina Fadi Cringe/Discomfort Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Kent: Um, it's happening in 48 hours.
Kent Character Comedy Reaction Beat Cringe/Discomfort Selina: Okay, I gotta go, but, gosh, good luck with all of your terrible troubles and, um, welcome to America.
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina: Winner, winner, winner, winner, winner. / Winner, winner, winner.
Selina Character Comedy Reaction Beat Selina: Winner, winner, winner, winner, winner. Winner, winner, winner.
Selina Character Comedy Reaction Beat Selina · Mike: And, Mike, I need you. / Yes, you do.
Selina · Gary: And, Gary... / Yeah? / I need you to stay.
Selina Gary Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Dan: This is better than any of the sex I've ever had. / I mean, almost any of it.
Dan Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: And then tomorrow, you take a commercial flight back to DC and then we can talk inauguration shoes.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Ben: I feel sick, but it's just in my neck, you know?
Ben Character Comedy Absurdist Deadpan/Understatement Mike · Dan: Wow, only 44 other senior press advisors have ever felt like this. / That's right, yeah. We're the chosen ones, bud.
Mike Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Amy: Wow, it really is all about you, isn't it?
Amy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Deadpan/Understatement Ben · Soup server: Is this... is this soup vegetarian? / I think it's vegan. / Ah, nice. / So maybe one or two types of beans? / I wouldn't know. I don't make the soup. / Oh, maybe three, actually.
Dan: Someone has just flown two planes into my career.
Dan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Observational Mike: I don't understand this, 'cause yesterday we were all doing jokes about the box, now she's commander-in-chief. How is this happened?
Mike Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential Observational Callback Gary: It's my greatest joy just to stand by her every day, just to be by her side.
Gary Irony/Sarcasm Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback JJ: Buy yourself a gun, Mom, because America's gonna have to shoot its way out of this.
JJ Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Reporter · Gary: Does she often leave you behind? / No, this is the first time.
Reporter Gary Cringe/Discomfort Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback JJ's Mom · JJ: Oh, I didn't get any salad. / Oh, God, Mom. No, make this stop. / Oh, okay, okay. / No, don't turn it off, Mom.
JJ: Whoa, this must be what it feels like to be happy.
JJ Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive Selina: I'm gonna be the fucking president.
Selina Character Comedy Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Selina: I'm gonna be the fucking president.
Selina Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch