The Eagle

Oh, loving it. Want another one? - Yeah, I do. - I'm really sorry. - I'm really, really, really sorry. - Now sing it.

Even Wall Street's got a boner for you guys. - Really? The market's up? - No, it's flat. But not down is straight up for us at this point.

I got a great idea. Why don't we give the Chinese their own log-ins and passwords? Okay? Save everybody a lot of time.

- Got a few fowl questions. - What?

Charlie says O'Brien won't go down on his wife without biscuits and gravy.

I mean, seriously, do we have any reason to think that we're not as fucked as a Senate page here?

Christ, Kent, know your audience.

Hey, Garfield, we're right in the middle of talking about Nevada, okay?

What Alan Turing is trying to say is if there are missing votes, he needs time to find them.

And after I'm done dick slapping him, he will have agreed to delay certification.

- Amy, set it up. - The injunction or the dick slapping?

I just... I feel trapped like a Saudi housekeeper.

Oh, come on, please, Bob, I would never stay at Caesar's.

Catherine, do not use any of the vulgar parts. - Yeah, but that's like all of it, Mom.

Dan, Sophie doesn't work for CBS. She works for CVS. You sold your dick for bulk iced tea and off-brand cough syrup.

Don't worry. You're gonna look really cute in a blue vest.

I am not having a good year.

Because they're a sneaky bunch of fucks.

Sorry, Kent, Salt and Moon, new restaurant.

Well, Sue uses my name for POTUS reservations, so when I call, I get an amazing table.

Please, Marjorie, please. I have to talk to the president. - Please take a step back.

Hi, ma'am. If you hear this, do not tweet. - Mike, what are you doing?

Hi, ma'am. If you hear this, do not tweet. / Please, stop... ma'am?

I just direct messaged Charlie. - No, it was public. Everybody saw it on Twitter.

I pushed that feather button. - I know, you tweet... that's a tweet.

Gary, I did it the way you showed me to do it. - But that's not the way I showed you to do... - That's exactly the way that you showed me to do it.

You better not.

Well, what the FOL are we supposed to do about this?

Phones are hacked all the time to steal pictures of celebrities' penises and whatnot.

Maybe the firewalls have more holes in them than a gold digger's diaphragm.

My God, I hated those things.

Oh, no, ma'am, no. You have no idea what happened. And neither does Mike, who would be outraged by this.

Actually, ma'am, I have a better idea. - No, you don't, Mike. History has proven that.

It's been the cornerstone of American foreign policy since the Spanish American War.

And yet he's responding.

You're the one who suggested we all live in the Matrix. - Ma'am, nobody chose to live in the Matrix.

Whose side were you on?

Have them what? Have them help us park in front of a fire hydrant?

I don't know why. My only jobs seem to be asking Bob and finding out what Bob thinks.

Oh, but on your way, would you mind stopping at ABC News and picking up some Advil? Oh, did I say ABC News? I meant Rite Aid.

Good night, have a pleasant evening, and I had sex with your sister.

You might actually want to go to Rite Aid. Get some Valtrex.

You might actually want to go to Rite Aid. Get some Valtrex.

No, no, that's impossible 'cause he's Mike McLintock

did you shave it off of Freddie Mercury's corpse?

This is my fat johnson and you can suck it as long as you promise not to put your dirty gay mustache on it.

Jesus, you think I married that?

Christ, she looks like a Batman villain.

Does a bear piss in the shower?

Yes! This is better than phone sex. - Well, I just came.

One heck of a job, Amy.

Those things cause cancer, you know

What we have here is a classic thumb in the apple pie situation and Grandma is mad as hell. She spent all day cooking...

We all know you're as folksy as a butter churn lamp, but let me cut to the chase.

there's never been a Whitman's Sampler I couldn't take apart piece by piece and shit out, Madam President.

there's never been a Whitman's Sampler I couldn't take apart piece by piece and shit out

A lady president? Yeah, maybe in the year 2000.

Ned Mitchell died in 2006. And the 'Las Vegas Gazette' stopped publishing in 2007.

which is not a newspaper, it's a legal brothel. But she did seem excited to help the campaign in whichever way she could.

which is not a newspaper, it's a legal brothel. But she did seem excited to help the campaign in whichever way she could

Ma'am, at his age, if he can take a shit whenever he wants, that's a major victory.

this meeting cannot make it past the School Book Depository. I'm loading my gun and heading to the sixth floor.

Alzheimer's or no, I image-searched Susan Bailey and she is legit fuckable.

This is like that famous scene from the movie 'Heat.' You know, with De Niro and Brenneman. Just thinking about that scene gives me goose bumps

This is like that famous scene from the movie 'Heat.' You know, with De Niro and Brenneman. Just thinking about that scene gives me goose bumps.

Well, hopefully she arrives before we all turn into fossils.

Yeah, turns out he's nuttier than a squirrel's diaper.

Sometimes up to 16% end up missing or thrown out. - Is that what this is about? - The missing ballots in Washoe County.

Funny thing about elections, historically there've always been leftover ballots. Sometimes up to 16% end up missing or thrown out

Holy bacon double Asperger's.

And you can't say 'Meet the Parents' 'cause that's automatically number one.

She's a fucking cunt. - You didn't hear it from me.

In many cultures, the word vote can mean a myriad of things. It can mean a celebration. It can mean a dance around a fire. It can mean a silent nod.

What kind of soup do you have today? - Um, what kind of soup is on your mind? - Well, what is today? - Um... it's Thursday. - Thursday? - Yup. - Navy bean. So delicious.

Bob Bradley. Nice to meet you, sir.

Otlow had grown more erratic following post office closures last year by the Meyer Postal Commission.

Can I not have just one minute to enjoy this? / I'll ask the Chinese

Thanks, buttfucker.