The Eagle

Mike:Mike using the presidential code name 'Sparrow' to escort Selina into a restaurant as if it were a security operation

Mike:Mike's press briefing deflection: the Meyer Postal Commission reduced post office debt 'from 65 billion to just over 62 billion'

Ben · Selina:'Even Wall Street's got a boner for you guys.' / 'Really? The market's up?' / 'No, it's flat. But not down is straight up for us at this point.'

Selina:'I got a great idea. Why don't we give the Chinese their own log-ins and passwords? Save everybody a lot of time.'

Unknown Aide:'Got a few fowl questions.' (about the salmonella chicken farm outbreak)

Selina:Charlie says O'Brien won't go down on his wife without biscuits and gravy.

Selina:Selina asking staff to show her which Twitter button to push for nice tweets about her and Charlie, mid-crisis

Selina:'I mean, seriously, do we have any reason to think that we're not as fucked as a Senate page here?'

Selina · Kent:Kent presents statistical evidence of missing ballots: 'Where?' 'I do not know.' 'How many?' 'I do not know.' 'Are you sure?' 'Absolutely.'

Selina:'Hey, Garfield, we're right in the middle of talking about Nevada, okay?' — Selina calling her aide 'Garfield'

Ben:'What Alan Turing is trying to say is if there are missing votes, he needs time to find them.'

Amy · Bob:'The injunction or the dick slapping?' — Amy asking for clarification on what to set up

Selina:'I just feel trapped like a Saudi housekeeper.'

Bob:'Just let me win the presidency for you and then you can land Air Force One on the Strip and piss in Caesar's fountain if you want.'

Selina:'Oh, come on, please, Bob, I would never stay at Caesar's.'

Selina:'See? Crapistan's calling.' — Selina's response to being interrupted by CIA briefing

Selina · Catherine:'Catherine, do not use any of the vulgar parts.' / 'Yeah, but that's like all of it, Mom.' / 'Well, then don't use it.' / 'But it's a doc.' / 'A what?' / 'A documentary.' / 'Then say that.'

Dan · Unknown colleague:Dan slept with Amy's sister Sophie thinking she worked for CBS. She works for CVS. 'You sold your dick for bulk iced tea and off-brand cough syrup.'

Dan:'I am not having a good year.' — Dan's reaction beat / talking head after the CVS reveal

Selina:'Do the Israelis know anything about this? Because they're a sneaky bunch of fucks.'

Mike:Mike using the POTUS reservation system under his own name to score a great table at a hot restaurant: 'When I call, I get an amazing table.'

Mike · Marjorie · Selina:Mike trying to physically stop Selina from tweeting by calling through the door — while Marjorie blocks him

Mike:Hi, ma'am. If you hear this, do not tweet.

Selina · Mike:'I pushed that feather button.' / 'I know, you tweet — that's a tweet.' — the 'feather button' as Selina's understanding of the tweet icon

Selina:'Well, what the FOL are we supposed to do about this?'

Kent:'Phones are hacked all the time to steal pictures of celebrities' penises and whatnot.'

Selina · Mike:'So is that what I think happened? That China tweeted this?' / 'Oh, no, ma'am, no. You have no idea what happened.'

Selina:'No, you don't, Mike. History has proven that.' — Selina shutting Mike down when he claims to have a better idea

Mike · Selina · Ben · Others:Why don't you just tell the truth? / I don't sound like that. / That's exactly how you sound. / No, I don't. / Spot-on. / Yeah, it's pretty close.

Selina:'Are we paying you by the word here, Kent, or what?'

O'Brien:'I will not dignify the president's petty remarks with a response.' — O'Brien, and then he responds at length

Selina:'And yet he's responding.'

O'Brien:O'Brien pivots from 'I won't respond' to a speech about 29 million diabetes sufferers

Ben · Selina:'Nev-ADD-a' — someone corrects Selina's pronunciation of Nevada mid-crisis

Selina · Ben:'You're the one who suggested we all live in the Matrix.' / 'Ma'am, nobody chose to live in the Matrix. The machines rose up and placed humans in the Matrix so they could use them as a biological power source.'

Selina:'Whose side were you on?' — Selina responding to Ben's Matrix explanation

Selina:'Or we could go to the United Nations and have them issue...' / 'Have them what? Have them help us park in front of a fire hydrant? I mean, come on.'

Selina:Have them what? Have them help us park in front of a fire hydrant? I mean, come on.

Dan · Amy:Jesus, you're still here? / I don't know why. My only jobs seem to be asking Bob and finding out what Bob thinks.

Dan:'Oh, but on your way, would you mind stopping at ABC News and picking up some Advil? Oh, did I say ABC News? I meant Rite Aid.'

Dan:Oh, but on your way, would you mind stopping at ABC News and picking up some Advil? Oh, did I say ABC News? I meant Rite Aid.

Dan:'Yeah, I think you're forgetting something, Amy, is that I still had sex with your sister, so...' / 'Good night, have a pleasant evening, and I had sex with your sister.'

Amy:'You might actually want to go to Rite Aid. Get some Valtrex.'

Mike · Wendy · Restaurant hostess:The McLintock party has already been seated. / No, no, that's impossible 'cause he's Mike McLintock. / Show her your driver's license. / I can't find it. / Again?

Furlong:The restaurant confrontation: 'This is my fat johnson and you can suck it as long as you promise not to put your dirty gay mustache on it. What is that, some kind of side effect from your AIDS medication or did you shave it off of Freddie Mercury's corpse?'

Furlong · Mike:'Jesus, you think I married that?' / 'That's Will's wife.' — Furlong on seeing Will's wife at the table

Furlong:'Christ, she looks like a Batman villain.'

Bob:'Does a bear piss in the shower?'

Bob · Selina:'You caught the fish, now gut the fish.' / 'You're wearing the fireman's hat, now put out the fire.' / 'Yes! This is better than phone sex.' / 'Well, I just came.'

Bob · Selina:You caught the fish, now gut the fish. / You're wearing the fireman's hat, now put out the fire. / Yes! This is better than phone sex. / Well, I just came.

Gary · Selina:'There's a new stegosaurus.' / 'That's not my problem.'

Gary · Selina:There's a new stegosaurus. / That's not my problem.

Selina:God, please back up your face, Amy, okay? Back it up.

Selina · Amy · Ben:Selina reassuring Amy that she's 'very important to the campaign' and doing 'a great, very good job' — clearly to manage her suspicions about Bob

Bob:'Those things cause cancer, you know.' — Bob's casual cell phone comment

Bob · Whitman:'I still got the cabin.' — Bob's response to Whitman mentioning his wife at Bob's ski cabin

Ben:Look, Bob. Bob. We all know you're as folksy as a butter churn lamp.

Bob · Whitman:Bob's folksy 'thumb in the apple pie' speech at the Whitman meeting, which Whitman immediately cuts off: 'We all know you're as folksy as a butter churn lamp, but let me cut to the chase.'

Selina · Gary:Just all of this just screams Grace Kelly. / I know. / I don't like my eyes, though. / What? / Yeah, I feel like I've got two diaper bags underneath. / No, no, no, no. I don't think... / Oh, God. / I need my ring.

Bob:'There's never been a Whitman's Sampler I couldn't take apart piece by piece and shit out, Madam President.'

Selina:'I love to hear that. Okay, you're hanging on to me like a skin tag.'

Bob:'A lady president? Yeah, maybe in the year 2000.' — Bob, in the Whitman meeting, clearly confused

Charlie Baird:'You sure she just texted or did she tweet the entire world?'

Charlie Baird:It's 250 grand. I bought the table. Sit down.

Gary · Charlie Baird:Gary explaining he's 'a key member of the Meyer administration' to get a seat at Baird's dinner table

Gary · Jonah:He just seemed like the same old Bob to me. / Ma'am, this morning he told me the Jews cause hurricanes.

Gary · Unnamed guest:'You have a card?' / 'No, just a bag.' — Gary at the charity dinner

Jonah:'Ned Mitchell died in 2006. And the 'Las Vegas Gazette' stopped publishing in 2007.'

Ben:Ma'am, at his age, if he can take a shit whenever he wants, that's a major victory.

Jonah:'I was able to get in touch with Susan Bailey at the 'Reno Star,' which is not a newspaper, it's a legal brothel. But she did seem excited to help the campaign in whichever way she could.'

Ben:'Ma'am, this morning he told me the Jews cause hurricanes.'

Amy:'All right, Amy, this meeting cannot make it past the School Book Depository. I'm loading my gun and heading to the sixth floor.'

Ben:'Well, don't worry, ma'am. We'll get him on the first flight out of Nevada and we'll shove his ass out somewhere over Oklahoma.'

Jonah:'Alzheimer's or no, I image-searched Susan Bailey and she is legit fuckable.'

Jonah:Alzheimer's or no, I image-searched Susan Bailey and she is legit fuckable.

Jonah:'Honestly, her rates are reasonable.'

Richard · Amy:'Amy, if you had rented me a Sebring, yes.' — Richard on whether he can drive faster to the Whitman meeting

Richard:'This is like that famous scene from the movie 'Heat.' You know, with De Niro and Brenneman. Just thinking about that scene gives me goose bumps.'

Richard:Honestly, I was gonna ask you that.

Charlie Baird:Charlie Baird's speech: 'my date is running late. Presidents, right? Well, hopefully she arrives before we all turn into fossils.'

Selina · Ben:Selina frantically calls staff who don't answer; Ben tries Dan again; they discover Bob left the meeting mid-session and got in a cab

Jonah:'Yeah, turns out he's nuttier than a squirrel's diaper.'

Selina · Dan:'Shut the fuck up. Shut the fuck up, Jonah.' — Selina, then Dan, both immediately saying the same thing

Richard:Richard left alone with Whitman: 'Do you mind if I get a picture with you for my blog 'Let's Talk About Splett'?'

Jonah:'Holy bacon double Asperger's.'

Richard:Amy, what are your top five favorite De Niro movies? And you can't say 'Meet the Parents' 'cause that's automatically number one.

Richard:'Amy, what are your top five favorite De Niro movies? And you can't say 'Meet the Parents' 'cause that's automatically number one.'

Selina:Selina's museum entrance: 'That's sort of a grey-blue dress. Isn't that something?'

Selina:She's a fucking cunt. You didn't hear it from me.

Selina:'She's a fucking cunt. You didn't hear it from me.'

Karen:Karen in court stalling: 'Before we begin, I would love to define a few key terms. Vote. What is a vote? Well, I think that's pretty obvious.' / 'Oh, is it, Your Honor? In many cultures, the word vote can mean a myriad of things. It can mean a celebration. It can mean a dance around a fire. It can mean a silent nod. In this room, what does it mean?'

Bob · Selina:What kind of soup do you have today? / Um, what kind of soup is on your mind? / Well, what is today? / Um... it's Thursday. / Thursday? / Yup. / Navy bean. So delicious.

Bob · Gary · Selina:Bob at the restaurant soup counter: 'What kind of soup do you have today?' / 'What kind of soup is on your mind?' / 'What is today?' / '...It's Thursday.' / 'Thursday? Navy bean. So delicious.'

News anchor:The postal worker Vance Otlow hoarding ballots was made 'more erratic following post office closures by the Meyer Postal Commission'

Selina · Newscaster:Look at this guy. / Otlow had grown more erratic following post office closures last year by the Meyer Postal Commission.

Selina:'I don't know what you're saying, but you keep doing that math stuff, Kent, no matter how much anyone makes fun of you, okay?'

Selina · Amy:'I just want you to know that I could not have done it without Richard, and I want you to please relay my thanks to him.' — Selina telling Amy to thank Richard

Karen:'Your Honor, how is counsel defining 'deadline' and 'passed'?' — Karen in court

Mike:After today's stunning turn of events in Nevada, the president has asked Bob Bradley, the Eagle, to return to Washington as her new cybersecurity czar, effective immediately.

Mike:The sanctions cause China to ban all foreign adoptions by American citizens — 'a bunch of other stuff'

Mike:'Mike! Mike!' / 'Will the president move forward with her sanctions?' / 'I don't know.' / 'I have to call my wife.'

Bob:Thanks, buttfucker.