Pledge

I love you, too, Tom. Go fuck yourself.

Because of my court-ordered chemical castration.

Is chocolate bad for dogs? Oh no, not bad. Deadly.

It sounds like Dr. Seuss fucked Maya Angelou in the yuzz-ma-tuzz and then filled her all up with snoozily-scuzz.

Not even really showing. You look beautiful.

Without the 'four years ago.' OK. Iowa! What do we want?

When I say 'shit,' you say 'show.'

Are angels real?

Yeah, well, somebody sneezed on our campaign, now we're bleeding out our assholes.

Last thing I need is my picture being taken eating dick-shaped food. I'd rather eat a food-shaped dick.

Maybe somebody should be interviewing the 'Times' about why they write so much about modern dance.

How are we going to RU486 Kemi's campaign?

No offense, Amy.

My God, pick a lane. Jesus.

A good union or, like, teachers?

Asbestos was the name of their pit bull. It was a rescue that killed its first owner.

That's why you have to go to breeders.

Fantastic. Her Achilles cock.

I'm drinking Odwalla like some country lesbian who just got to the big city.

Happy Abortion Eve.

OK, I don't know if I should be sad or turned on.

It's my mother's side of the family. Speltt.

Then why am I not in prison for punching the president?

I'm Jonah Ryan, and I wanna suck this message's hot clam.

He did a really funny Chinese voice. Yeah, I expressed how horny I was.

Well, I don't see vagina color.

I thought we both understood I was lying.

Can you fuck off? Can do, skipper.

Don't worry, Lee. You won't get pregnant. I'll pull out and cum on your back. Again, I thought we both understood I was lying.

He was lucky not to get dumped out of a pickup truck into a quarry.

More of a sort of a Princess Diana thing. But classy.

It is literally the definition of retarded.

Why, is he retarded? No, but you might be.

No. My pediatrician ran the tests. Besides, if I was, you'd know. I'd have retard face or whatever.

It's 'Fat Guy.' Hey, Mike, have you given any thought to that thing that we talked about?

That's a busy beaver. Yes. Yes, indeed.

The current version only asks for donations and, for some reason, deletes your address book. Technically, it's more of a virus.

How the fuck did that happen? It's like 'Flowers for Algernon.' I understand that reference now. It's a book.

Um... mentally retarded? No, that-- that's wrong. I see where your head is at, though, and you are technically correct.

That's so gay. Oh, guys, come on. I didn't mean like gay gay or like 'This guy and his husband are gay.' I meant gay like, uh, mentally retarded.

She doesn't call that rape, by the way, that's just regular sex to her.

Where is that Fatty McFatty hiding today? She aborted her unborn fetus.

I was an agricultural advisor. Nothing more.

Well, I did think about this. I considered it, and I cried, and yeah, suck my cock, I even prayed a little, and here I am.

So you can back the fuck off, you hypocritical cunts, before I show up to the piss puddle that is your house and protest your husband whacking it to your daughter's seventh grade yearbook.

Her records were sealed. She was 16. She accidentally hit him with her Volkswagen Cabriolet. She is an actual murderer?! Yes! Who drives an import!

Actually, he was decapitated.

Guess your age? Guess your weight?

You got any of those darts they use on rampaging circus animals?

Is that the Berkeley VC-10? That's like the Shelby Cobra GT of vag-vacs.

What is up with the Clubfoot Cunt-tessa?

Yeah. Trying to screw me out of the presidency, then trying to actually screw me, then screwing me, then writing a book about screwing me. Also discussed it on television.

Are you deaf? Did you not hear what he was saying? What is wrong with you? Are you fuckin' retarded?!

Mike McLintock has had enough!

you have to be more PC than a clit ring made out of wheatgrass.

What the fuck? I gotta debate Dumbledong?

I'm sorry, you can't say that. I mean, only he can say that.

Say what, 'Niger'? It doesn't matter how you pronounce it, we now know that it is wrong.

I think that the United States should send troops into countries like N-word, and I think it would be best if those troops were black.

So we're talking about, what, $6?

Get that Benedict Ronald McDonald on the phone right now.

Dude, your mom's on the phone. She sounds pissed.

is that she would like me to tell you that Senator Talbot here accidentally murdered her boyfriend in a reckless car accident when she was 16 years old. But you know what? I'm not gonna stoop to your level and say that, Selina.

My God! I have had it with this whimpering and whining from you and your generation! It's time for you to grow a pair and man the fuck up!

How about for once in your life you stop whining, you stop complaining, and just man up?

God bless America for hating woman almost as much as I do.

Feels like... someone shoved a red-hot pair of barbecue tongs up my joy trail.

I'm gonna need that back when you're done, 'cause Leon will pay big bucks for it.

How would you like the chance to help lead a divisive, physically repugnant underdog to historic victory?

I just found out from my stupid stepfather-- Father-in-law! From my stupid stepfather-in-law, that math was created by Muslims.

You gonna make me say it? We got race in the race.