Pledge

Selina:I love you, too, Tom. Go fuck yourself.

Unknown staffer · Keith Quinn:The only reason you were hired is because Mr. Tanz told me you were the best and because? Because of my court-ordered chemical castration.

Richard · Unknown:Is chocolate bad for dogs? Oh no, not bad. Deadly. Okay.

Amy:I would like to schedule an appointment. It's for an abortion.

Unknown · Richard:Richard, you can't keep working on both campaigns. But they're both equally good people.

Selina:It sounds like Dr. Seuss fucked Maya Angelou in the yuzz-ma-tuzz and then filled her all up with snoozily-scuzz.

Selina · Kent:How is this possibly even working for her? / Socio-politically, protest chants have proved an effective method-- / OK, off.

Selina · Gary:You know what else is huge, Amy? / Not even really showing.

Selina · Crowd:Selina's campaign slogan 'Time to finish the unfinished business of four years ago' being recited back incorrectly by the crowd, followed by her failed 'New Selina Now' correction

Ben:When I say 'shit,' you say 'show.'

Ben · Kent:'Kemi Fever.' Three exclamation points. / It's a pandemic.

Selina:Yeah, well, somebody sneezed on our campaign, now we're bleeding out our assholes.

Selina:Last thing I need is my picture being taken eating dick-shaped food. I'd rather eat a food-shaped dick.

Selina:Maybe somebody should be interviewing the 'Times' about why they write so much about modern dance.

Selina · Richard:Thirty-six hours in Snoozeville. / That was my major.

Selina · Catherine:How are we going to RU486 Kemi's campaign? / No offense, Amy.

Marjorie:Kemi is super impressive. And I'm not gonna lie, ma'am, very much my type.

Selina:My God, pick a lane. Jesus.

Selina:A good union or, like, teachers?

Richard:Actually, my uncle was a shop steward in the 7-4. Asbestos killed him. / Oh, no! / I'm sorry, Richard. / Asbestos was the name of their pit bull. It was a rescue that killed its first owner. That's why you have to go to breeders.

Dan:Fantastic. Her Achilles cock.

Andrew · Selina:Andrew: Monnie and I are still together. Better than ever, in fact. / No. Felicia is my... paralegal.

Selina:Oh, God, we're all goin' to jail.

Selina:Can you find me a real green juice somewhere in Iowa? I'm drinking Odwalla like some country lesbian who just got to the big city.

Dan:Happy Abortion Eve.

Amy · Dan:Oh, my God! / What? Don't they all know?

Ben:OK, I don't know if I should be sad or turned on.

Richard · Marjorie:Actually, I tried to quit last week, and the president gave me a raise. / So quit Jonah. / He gave me a raise too.

Jonah:Jonah Ryan's campaign ad: punching senators, kicking female candidates, 'Undisputed President of the United States!' followed by 'I'm Jonah Ryan, and I wanna suck this message's hot clam.'

Jonah · Teddy · Beth:I ad-libbed. / Teddy, improv is Jonah's thing. You should've heard his wedding vows. He did a really funny Chinese voice. / Yeah, I expressed how horny I was.

Campaign staffer · Jonah:Most people are uncomfortable watching a white man kick a black woman in the vagina. / Well, I don't see vagina color.

Campaign staffer · Jonah · Teddy:And, good news-- No, that's bad news. / I'm at less than 5%? / In the plus column, the undercard debate will be first, which means we have no problem getting out of the parking lot. / Oh, no, that's bad news too. It's stacked parking.

Selina · Andrew:Andrew, you said there was nothing illegal about the fund. / I thought we both understood I was lying.

Lee · Andrew:Yeah. 'Don't worry, Lee. You won't get pregnant. I'll pull out and cum on your back.' Again, I thought we both understood I was lying.

General Stattler:And since your tenure was so unusually brief, I took the liberty of using President Ford's ceremony as a template.

Gary · Selina:Who? / Uh, that's not gonna work. He was lucky not to get dumped out of a pickup truck into a quarry.

Selina · Gary:My vision for when I die... / If you... / No, I am gonna die. / Mm... / More of a sort of a Princess Diana thing. But classy. But no Prince Charles. / Oh, yeah. He's worse than the mother.

Gary:Oh, yeah. [re: Prince Charles] He's worse than the mother.

General Stattler:Ma'am, why don't we just jump right to embalming options to minimize decomp during the rotunda viewing.

Jonah · Teddy:Jonah is doing physical comedy with food at the fair — 'It's shitting in my mouth' / 'He's pretending the potato is pooping in his mouth.'

Mike · Wendy:Well, ever since I got it, they stopped calling me 'Old Guy.' Now I'm 'Hat Guy.' / It's 'Fat Guy.' / Hey, Mike, have you given any thought to that thing that we talked about?

Mike:Somehow they got the idea I'm a good writer. And I'm not!

Mike:I didn't use to be Hat Guy?

Jonah:Besides, if I was, you'd know. I'd have retard face or whatever.

Kent · Selina:They don't know what that word is. / Good point.

Selina:That's a busy beaver.

Campaign staffer · Gary:The current version only asks for donations and, for some reason, deletes your address book. Technically, it's more of a virus. I had it but had to delete it because it was making my phone hot.

Unknown staffer:Of course we do, ma'am. The current version only asks for donations and, for some reason, deletes your address book. Technically, it's more of a virus.

Selina · Mike:Perhaps that kind of thing plays well in 'Nevahda' -- / Nevada.

Selina · Mike:Wow, Mike, you said an actual thing. How the fuck did that happen? It's like 'Flowers for Algernon.' / I understand that reference now. It's a book.

Jonah · Sensitivity trainer Danny:Um... mentally retarded? / No, that-- that's wrong. / I see where your head is at, though, and you are technically correct.

Jonah · Sensitivity trainer:Oh, God, is that like math? / Actually, it's just a way of using empathy to help avoid hurting other people's feelings. / That's so gay.

Jonah:I didn't mean like gay gay or like 'This guy and his husband are gay.' I meant gay like, uh, mentally retarded.

Jonah:Is this guy on his fuckin' period? What is--

Amy · Dan:My dumb slit sister was supposed to be my abortion ride, but now, of course, she is nowhere to be found, so I'm-- / Oh. That makes sense. / Dan: Yeah. / Well, would you mind? / Unless you plan on fucking her again while she's passed out. She doesn't call that rape, by the way, that's just regular sex to her.

Richard · Selina:She aborted her unborn fetus. — Dock her a day's pay then.

Sophie (Amy's sister, offscreen):Don't wear white pants!

Selina:She is an actual murderer?! Yes! Who drives an import!

Selina · Gary:Where is that Fatty McFatty hiding today? She aborted her unborn fetus. [beat]

Unknown man · Selina's companion:These are clearly made with child labor. — Hold this. — I was an agricultural advisor. Nothing more.

Dan:Keep your head down, Ames. I'll part the redneck sea.

Selina · Staffer:We gotta spread this news like Kemi's boyfriend's guts all over the pavement! / Actually, he was decapitated.

Selina:Well, why did you morons let me do that?

Selina:Is there any way we can accuse Kemi of murdering her boyfriend, but in a positive way?

Selina · Unknown person:Selina approached by an unknown person at the fair who seems to grab or startle her — 'What was that? Where's Secret Service?'

Fair barker:Madam President! Guess your age? Guess your weight?

Amy:Yep, 10-4. Body's a wonderland. / Can I just sign the consent form?

Amy:Oh, yeah? You got any of those darts they use on rampaging circus animals?

Amy · Nurse:Less talk, more abortion. — Patient has declined. — I am as sure... as I will be.

Dan:Is that the Berkeley VC-10? That's like the Shelby Cobra GT of vag-vacs.

Dan:Yeah, I'm the proud father-to-not-be.

Nurse · Amy · Dan:I'm sorry, who is this man? — That's Dan. — Yeah, I'm the proud father-to-not-be.

Selina:What is up with the Clubfoot Cunt-tessa?

Selina · Unknown:What is up with the Clubfoot Cunt-tessa? I think she's worried that you might beat her up in the girls' bathroom, give her a swirly. Oh, no. Yeah, you would've. OK.

Selina:Fresh-squeezed Billy Carter juicy.

Selina · Tom James:No. Forget it. This never works. / What am I thinking? / No, no, no, no. / Selina, listen, you got no reason to trust me, based on... / Yeah. Trying to screw me out of the presidency, then trying to actually screw me, then screwing me, then writing a book about screwing me. / Also discussed it on television. / Lovely.

Jonah:Jonah is caught on tape saying 'retarded' again immediately after his apology — 'What is wrong with you? Are you fuckin' retarded?!'

Jonah · Beth:One voter at a time, Teddy. / But Jonah, there were two of them.

Mike:Thank you! 'I've had enough, Andrew! Mike McLintock has had enough!'

Richard:Novelty mayors are Iowa's number one source of tourism. After tornado-chasing. And coming into town to buy Sudafed.

Catherine · Richard:Is that a mayor as well? / That's just a cat. / Could you imagine? / This isn't Nebraska.

Richard:Would you like me to neuter the new mayor?

Jonah:What the fuck? I gotta debate Dumbledong?

Teddy:You have to be more PC than a clit ring made out of wheatgrass.

Debate moderator:Brie Ramachandran-Shulhoff

Jonah · Clark (debate staffer):I'm sorry, you can't say that. / Say what, 'Niger'? / It doesn't matter how you pronounce it, we now know that it is wrong.

Jonah · Clark:Jesus, Clark, you're standing right next to the guy. / What did he say? / No, he said it, not me. / But for the record, I think that the United States should send troops into countries like N-word, and I think it would be best if those troops were black.

Wizard candidate · Jonah staffer:Can I just say, making friends overseas is powerful magic. / You ask him any question, it's gonna be 'powerful magic.' / I'm gonna ask him a question. What's your solution to fix our failing public education system? / Well, longer school years, free breakfast... and magic!

Catherine · Marjorie:Little Richard will be very happy for his daddy-- the new mayor of Lurlene. / Catherine, he won't be making memories for another 22 months.

Selina · Jonah · Beth · Gary:Oh, look at this. Congressman Ryan! And this must be Mrs. Ryan. Or do you go by your maiden name: Mrs. Ryan? / Oh, either is fine. / No, ma'am, she's my half-sister. / Step. / Gary: She's his step-sister.

Richard · Selina · Jonah:It seems I have been appointed the new Mayor of Lurlene. / Oh, congratulations! / Mayor Splizzle in the hizzle! / Wow. All right. / But don't you have to be a dog? / Well, legally, yes, but it's unenforceable.

Selina:What?! Mike's entire life savings? So we're talking about, what, $6?

Kent:The term 'Fonzie scheme' is referenced. And the article as a whole is not cool.

Selina:Get that Benedict Ronald McDonald on the phone right now.

Lizzie · Selina · Mike:Fat Guy's phone. / Selina: Mike, what the backstabbing fuck?! / Dude, your mom's on the phone. She sounds pissed.

Tom James · Unknown · Selina:Did you know that President Meyer had a heart attack a couple of years ago? Just covered it up! — Well, you had a heart attack. — This was a minor prostate procedure.

Selina · Unknown · Ben:Olu-wakemi Talibah Talbot. — Oh. — That sounds like a terrorist to me, folks. — Talibah, Taliban. — Taliban. That's an old chestnut.

Selina:God bless America for hating women almost as much as I do.

Amy:Feels like someone shoved a red-hot pair of barbecue tongs up my joy trail.

Dan · Amy:Frozen maxi-pads soaked in comfrey extract. My own personal recipe. / That is so nice. / And also... cold and disgusting.

Dan:I'm gonna need that back when you're done, 'cause Leon will pay big bucks for it.

Amy:See? When you do good things, good things happen to good people. / I'm such a good person.

Selina · Gary:Can you make me a waxing appointment? I'm feeling patriotic. Full bald eagle.

Jonah · Teddy:I just found out from my stupid stepfather-- / Father-in-law! / From my stupid stepfather-in-law, that math was created by Muslims.

Selina · Unknown politician:I would really love to be able to count on your endorsement. — You gonna make me say it? We got race in the race.

Selina · Southern politician:I would really love to be able to count on your endorsement. / You gonna make me say it? We got race in the race.