Discovery Weekend

Mike:Mike McLintock identifying himself as 'BuzzFeed magazine — print edition'

Dan · Mike:Dan: 'I'm not her brother, and I never was. Except for that one year.'

Amy · Dan:Amy tells Dan she's pregnant and 'not asking anything of you, literally nothing' — then Dan says 'Okay, goodnight' and Amy says 'Goodnight'

Selina:Selina watches a political opponent on TV and says 'Oh God, he looks good' with evident disgust

Roger:Roger to Selina during the square dance: 'I would have invited my wife, but she's a squirter, and that dress doesn't look like it's been Scotch-guarded.'

Selina:Selina: 'For that amount of money to my campaign, I'll do-si-do for his do-si-dough.'

Selina:Selina watching Felix's event: 'No wonder the rest of the world hates us.'

Selina · Staff Member:Selina says she hates being called a 'lightweight.' Staff member responds: 'Why? You're so skinny.'

Gary · Selina:Gary's tactic: repeat the last two sentences Felix says back to him. Selina calls it 'idiotic.' Gary immediately demonstrates by repeating her exact words back.

Selina · Felix:Selina tells Felix the only reason she's running for president is to attend his event. Felix says 'Really? I feel like you should have a better reason than that.'

Gary · Felix:Selina's aide repeating Felix's sentences back to him — 'It has been a delight, and you shall see me later. Thank you very much.'

Selina:Selina: 'Isn't it astounding that the next President of the United States is being chosen by a closeted ex-record producer?'

Ben:Response to Selina's observation: 'The Electoral College hasn't exactly been hitting it out of the park.'

Ben:On Felix's young companion: 'He'll look older after Felix switches blood with him.'

Ben:'Felix Wade's sexuality is the worst best-kept secret since Clyde Tolson's hysterical pregnancy.'

Ben · Selina:Selina: 'The man lives in a vast invisible closet. — Sounds amazing.'

Gary:Gary having a stomach upset, clearly having witnessed/encountered something disturbing, then immediately being sworn to secrecy — played entirely in reaction

Dan · Mike:Mike's email is Mike29748@aol.com. When called out, he clarifies: 'It's Mike53729. — Still @aol though, right? — Until I die.'

Ben · Selina:Ben tells Selina 'Amy's bulimic' like it's useful intelligence; Selina responds 'Well, it's about time.'

Selina:Selina on Amy's bulimia: 'She might want to consider a little more purging, a little less bingeing. God, that girl can't do anything right.'

Ben · Amy:Ben tells Amy she has 'some vomit on your mustache'

Amy:Amy: 'What the Rocky Mountain fuck?!'

Selina:Selina to Tom: 'Gosh, I didn't see a TED talk for fake folksiness on the schedule.'

Tom James:Tom responds to 'what time is that TED talk?' with '4:30.'

Selina · Kent:Selina: 'That makes me moister than an oyster.' / Kent: 'Plus or minus four points.' / Selina: 'OK, still pretty moist.'

Selina:Selina on Tom's Deputy Chief of Staff: 'Good Lord, what's up with Frigid Von Pole-Up-Her-Ass?'

Tom James · Selina:Tom: 'She's basically my Amy.' / Selina: 'Well, my Amy has bulimia.' / Tom: 'No one likes a braggart, Selina.'

Selina:Selina on an all-female ticket: 'An all-female ticket? I don't think so. The American people work hard for a living, OK? They don't need that kind of bullshit.'

Selina · Kemi:Selina and Kemi bond over Senator Isles grabbing their asses. Selina: 'He used to say that mine was like a candy apple.' — then learns he's under investigation — 'Oh, yeah, right. 'Cause that's bad now.'

Selina · Tom James:Selina 'accidentally' runs into Tom outside: 'Wow, that is so incredible! I did not see you there.' — Tom: 'Well, that's funny that you sprinted around the entire deck to just bump into me sight unseen.'

Tom James · Selina:Tom: 'One thing I've learned in politics, a lot of the best stuff happens afterhours.' / Selina: 'Oh, is that so, Captain Morgan?'

Selina · Tom James:Selina: 'Thank you so much for man-telling me that.' / Tom: 'I believe the word you're fumbling for is mansplaining.' / Selina: 'Man... OK... splain...' — then immediately cuts away

Selina · Amy · Staff:Staff thinks a photo of Tom's schedule is a photo of his aide. 'Of his Amy? His who? His Amy. Ma'am, I don't see it... No ma'am, I got a picture of his schedule.'

Selina Meyer · Amy:'Amy, seriously, I know I rarely say this, but that was really...' [cuts off before compliment is delivered]

Selina · Ben:Amy is implied to have eaten a second breakfast before her visible breakfast. 'Did you see what she had for breakfast? — And I bet she had a breakfast before that breakfast. — There is no doubt about that.'

Richard · Jonah:Congressman Ryan: 'Within five years, I want America... to put a man on Ellen DeGeneres.'

Richard · Panel:Richard explains the Ellen joke to the panel: 'She's a lesbian.' — Panel responds: 'No, we get it.' — 'Right.' — 'We get the joke.' — 'OK.'

Jonah · Teddy:Jonah's sexual harassment roster: 'Emma Gray' is called 'Schnozz.' 'Monster Tits and Monster Tits, Jr.' for Congresswomen Troy and Vasconi. 'All I did was express genuine concern they had bras big enough to handle all that meat. At the Congressional Prayer Breakfast.'

Jonah Ryan:'But all I did there was express some genuine concern that they had bras big enough to handle all that meat. At the Congressional Prayer Breakfast.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'I mean, he's a man too, Teddy.' (about Jesus endorsing his concern over bra sizes)

Teddy:Teddy's advice: 'Tell 'em you've been chemically castrated. It's very easy to lie about. Believe me, nobody checks.'

Dan:After interacting with Jonah, someone hands out Purell: 'Well, that was a waste of time. Here's some Purell. I need, like, a tub of this stuff.'

Selina:Selina on Tom and Felix: 'He cannot spend another second with Felix without me jammed in between 'em like the cross-piece on an Eiffel Tower three-way. MMF. The Devil's threesome.'

Ben:Selina on Dan being sent to charm Felix: 'In current gay parlance, Dan presents somewhere between a wolf and an otter, some would call a frost otter.'

Felix · Tom James · Dan:Felix dismisses Dan: 'Fly away, please, we're busy.' / Tom: 'Bye, Dan.' / Felix: 'Nice try, Grandma, but you aged out of Felix's demo back in the 20th century.'

Felix:Felix tells Dan: 'You may want to start coloring that gray. Just a thought.'

Ben:Ben advises Amy to 'try laxatives' for her bulimia: 'I'll tell you why. It saves your teeth.'

Amy · Selina:Amy reveals she's pregnant. Selina reacts: 'Can you imagine? / That's not funny. / Now I'm gonna be sick.'

Selina:Selina: 'What, were you wearing a full-length mirror?' / Aide: 'That's tough, but fair.'

Selina:Selina: 'God Almighty, shoulda had you fixed years ago.'

Selina:Selina: 'Listen, I did not spend my entire life defending a woman's right to choose for you to choose this.'

Felix:Felix overhears and says: 'I can't count the number of times I've wanted to say the same thing.' / 'Do you know that there's one girl that worked in my office who had four kids. What was she, a possum?'

Aide:Aide on Felix's possum joke: 'Actually Korean, but that's very funny.'

Selina · Felix:Felix tells Selina he's been calling her 'a bit of a lightweight' for years. Selina, using the repeat-back tactic: 'Well, O... Yes, I mean, I can be a bit of a... A lightweight. You said it, not me!'

Selina Meyer · Felix Wade:The 'repeat the last two sentences' technique used at full scale with Felix: 'That's an incredible anecdote!' (Selina echoing Felix's enthusiasm about his own anecdote)

Jonah:Jonah's apology to Amanda: 'I'm sorry, Amanda, if I behaved in a way that made you uncomfortable or inappropriate. All right? God! And you should try smiling more.'

Amanda:Amanda produces her OWN non-disclosure agreement: 'As far as the law is concerned, we never dated.'

Jonah:Jonah refuses to sign: 'You are a stone-cold, neck-down hottie. I want the whole world to know we dated.'

Jonah · Amanda:Amanda: 'We had one working lunch, and we split the bill.' / Jonah: 'I split the bill on all my dates.' / Amanda: 'Why would I pay for a girl to get fatter?'

Amanda:Amanda on her relationship: 'I'm in a relationship with a good, normal man, who loves me. Yeah, normal.' — then: 'if he were to find out that we even had lunch together, I'm not sure he'd be strong enough to stand it.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'Jonah Ryan will not be silenced. We dated... and the world's gonna know that.'

Selina · Tom James:Tom to Selina: 'I did everything I could to get Felix to give me the marshmallow speech.' / Selina: 'Did you offer to blow him?' / Tom: 'Tut-tut, Selina. We do not refer to Mr. Wade's sexual orientation. — But yes. Yes, I did.'

Aide · Selina Meyer:'Here's your marshmallow stick.' / 'Oh, that's very exciting, isn't it? OK.'

Selina · Tom James:Selina: 'Well, I didn't tell him you were a lousy lay.' / Tom: 'Probably read it in our books.'

Selina · Tom James:Selina: 'I love you.' / Tom: 'I love you too, Tom. Go fuck yourself.'

Aide · Gary:Watching Selina's incoherent marshmallow speech: 'She's having a textbook aneurysm.' / 'Still looks like a goddess.'

Tom James:Tom: 'Which I was all for it when it killed my dad, but it's not so funny when the shoe's on the other ventricle.'

Selina · Tom James:Selina reveals her heart attack was covered up as 'a routine prostate procedure.' Tom: 'Well, yeah, men have it so easy.'

Selina · Tom James:Selina: 'People assumed I was having a face-lift.' / Tom: 'When I had my face-lift, we told people that you were having a face-lift.'

Tom James:Tom imagines an alternate life: 'And we argue about how much money we're spending on landscaping, and I think you flirt a little too much with the kids' tennis coach. And then we blow each other's brains out.'

Selina · Tom James:Selina: 'And you work at a car dealership?' / Tom: 'Assistant manager.' / Selina: 'Oh! Look at you!'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'How about a hot soak with a Laura Mercier bath bomb?' / Selina: 'Is it gonna explode between my legs and make me cum until I cry?' / Gary: 'I think it's peppermint.'

Dan:Dan's speech on meaningless sex: 'You pull it out to cum on her tits 'cause you think it's gonna make you feel alive. But it doesn't matter where you cum, Ames. Ya know? It just doesn't.'

Amy:Amy's reaction shot/silence during and after Dan's speech — cut to her calling an OB/GYN for an abortion

Selina:Selina on Kemi and Tom: 'They could reassure people that look like him that their country wouldn't be ruined by people that look like her.'

Felix:Felix on stopping cocaine: 'I'm addicted to disruption, especially since I stopped using cocaine.' / Selina and aides stare in silence.

Selina · Felix:Selina credits Felix for the running mate idea: 'You gave me the idea.' / Felix: 'I'm not shocked about that.'

Richard:Richard's speech: 'A lot of you knew me when I was really little and I was just running around in diapers. And now here we are, and a lot of you are wearin' diapers.'

Jonah · Amanda:Jonah: 'There was nothing professional about my behavior! — Nothing happened, Mr. Ryan. — I'm in a relationship with a good, normal man...'

Amanda White · Jonah Ryan:Amanda: 'His behavior was completely appropriate at all times.' / Jonah: 'Ohh, no! I was all over her! I got super handsy! For too long women have been silent...'

Felix:Felix approves the all-female ticket: 'An all-female ticket? The first one since Carter-Mondale. I'm not mad at that.'

Dan · Amy:Dan tells Amy he's about to have sex with a 19-year-old cater waitress named Meagan — while Amy has just been emotionally processing whether to have his baby.

Amy:Amy calls to schedule an abortion: 'Yes, it's for an abortion. Yes, I'm sure. Oh, do you also do flu shots?'

Ben:Ben: 'You're gonna be drowning in money so dark it could get shot entering its own apartment.'

Selina:Selina: 'Seriously, it's America's first two-cooter ticket. Look great on a button.'

Selina:On Tom sleeping with his aide: 'How dare that smooth shitsack cheat on his wife and risk his political future with someone that's not me?'

Female Aide · Selina:Felix Wade outing discussion: 'Felix Wade is gay? / Thank you, ma'am!'

Jonah · Aide:Jonah gets good poll news from the #NotMe movement. Aide's phone is upside-down; reads 'EWtoN' — then corrects: 'It's still NotMe. — You should lock your screen, dude.'

Selina · Ben · Aide:Ben on Mike: 'Where is that fat-faced, freckled fuck-it-up-agus? — Hiding in the bathroom, ma'am, making pretend diarrhea noises.'

Selina:Selina: 'I just can't believe that that second-hand Muppet wrote an article that people actually read.'

Selina:Selina: 'I'm gonna choke him with that giant cock of his, see how he likes it.'

Unknown aide:'Hiding in the bathroom, ma'am, making pretend diarrhea noises.'

Selina:Aide suggests an outfit; Selina says Felix 'doesn't give a shit. Just because Felix Wade is gayer than an Eames chair in assless leather chaps doesn't mean that he's some sort of fashion diva.'

Michelle · Selina:Michelle to Selina: 'I'm the Senator's Deputy Chief of Staff.' / Selina: 'Congratulations. Then you probably won't fuck it up.'

Selina:Selina: 'God, I feel so sorry for whoever's stickin' their dick in that bag of mayonnaise.'

Tom James · Selina:Tom on Felix's donation: 'Sadly, I am not the recipient of Mr. Wade's munificence.' / Selina: 'Wha...' / Tom: 'Well, he sure as shit didn't pick me.' — then reveals Kemi

Selina · Tom James:Selina: 'Fuck me in the Aspen.' / 'The tri-racial twat stabbed me in the back!' / Tom: 'She really is your protégée.'

Selina Meyer · Tom James:'The tri-racial twat stabbed me in the back!' / 'She really is your protégée.'

Richard · Selina:Richard to Selina: 'It's so nice to be back home in Iowa.' / Selina: 'Place is a dump.'

Selina · Richard:Richard says Selina's polls are 'way up' after leaving — Selina: 'Maybe I should just stop campaigning altogether.' / Richard: 'Couldn't hurt.'

Selina · Richard:Selina: 'Oh, remember, lift with your back.' / Richard: 'It's your legs. L-Legs.' / Selina: 'No, you lift with your back.' / Richard: 'Oh. That's incorrect.' / Selina: 'OK, well. That could probably be the main cause of your scoliosis.' / Richard: 'I have scoliosis?'