Discovery Weekend

I'm not her brother, and I never was. Except for that one year.

Ben, I really don't like being told what to do. / Well, Felix Wade is the biggest bundler in the party, and he loves making millionaires square dance.

I would have invited my wife, but she's a squirter, and that dress doesn't look like it's been Scotch-guarded.

For that amount of money to my campaign, I'll do-si-do for his do-si-dough.

Bridges made of ideas. / No wonder the rest of the world hates us.

Why? You're so skinny. / N... Oh. Yeah.

Ma'am, I ran a little intel, and apparently the secret to Felix Wade is to always repeat the last two sentences that he says. / Come on, that is idiotic. He's really that insecure?

Well, I'll tell ya a secret, it's the only reason I'm really running for president. / Really? I feel like you should have a better reason than that.

Isn't it astounding that the next President of the United States is being chosen by a closeted ex-record producer?

And is it just me, or does Felix's friend seem a little young? / He'll look older after Felix switches blood with him.

Felix Wade's sexuality is the worst best-kept secret since Clyde Tolson's hysterical pregnancy. The man lives in a vast invisible closet.

Wow. It always has to be about her. / Never fails. / Every time.

Gary vomiting noises and subsequent awkward silence

Hey, is Kim here? / No, she got fired for sleeping with you. / Buzzfeed runs a notoriously tight ship.

What do you know about new media, Mike29748@aol.com? / Oh, no. I got hacked. It's Mike53729. / Still @aol though, right? / Until I die.

Amy's bulimic. / What?! / Well, it's about time.

And I'll tell ya something, she might want to consider a little more purging, a little less bingeing. / God, that girl can't do anything right.

Amy, you got some vomit on your mustache.

What the Rocky Mountain fuck?!

Look what the Gulfstream dragged in. / Gosh, I didn't see a TED talk for fake folksiness on the schedule.

That makes me moister than an oyster. / Plus or minus four points. / OK, still pretty moist.

Good Lord, what's up with Frigid Von Pole-Up-Her-Ass? / That is my Deputy Chief of Staff, Michelle York. She's basically my Amy.

I want all eyes on Tom now. He cannot spend another second with Felix without me jammed in between 'em like the cross-piece on an Eiffel Tower three-way. / MMF. The Devil's threesome.

She's basically my Amy. Well, my Amy has bulimia.

I actually consider her to be a bit of a protégée. / Does she know that? / Thought I was your protégée. / No, you're Ben's protégée. / Not a very good one.

An all-female ticket? I don't think so. The American people work hard for a living, OK? They don't need that kind of bullshit!

Did Senator Isles try and... grab your ass? / Oh, yeah. / He used to say that mine was like a candy apple.

For the inappropriate... / Oh, yeah, right. 'Cause that's bad now.

Well, that's funny that you sprinted around the entire deck to just bump into me sight unseen.

Oh, is that so, Captain Morgan? Thank you so much for man-telling me that. / I believe the word you're fumbling for is 'mansplaining.'

Well, science tells us that it will be difficult... but within five years, I want America... to put a man on Ellen DeGeneres.

It's pretty good, right? / It's great, thank you. / She's a lesbian. / No, we get it. / We get the joke.

Well, that could be anybody. / Sounds like you.

Jonah, who have you traumatized? Start with the doctor who delivered you.

Oh, Schnozz? She was stuck up, I was just callin' her on it.

Oh, Monster Tits and Monster Tits, Jr.? But all I did there was express some genuine concern that they had bras big enough to handle all that meat. / At the Congressional Prayer Breakfast. / Yeah. It was exactly what Jesus would have done.

if anyone asks, tell 'em you've been chemically castrated. It's very easy to lie about. Believe me, nobody checks.

In current gay parlance, Dan presents somewhere between a 'wolf' and an 'otter,' some would call a 'frost otter.'

Nice try, Grandma, but you aged out of Felix's demo back in the 20th century. / Uh, I'm 39-and-a-half. / You may want to start coloring that gray.

Yeah. It was exactly what Jesus would have done. I mean, he's a man too, Teddy.

And I would give you one word of advice, which is to try laxatives. / I'll tell you why. It saves your teeth.

I'm pregnant. / Can you imagine? I'm pregnant. / That's not funny. / Now I'm gonna be sick.

Dan fucked you? / Mm-hmm. / What, were you wearing a full-length mirror?

Listen, I did not spend my entire life defending a woman's right to choose for you to choose this.

Do you know that there's one girl that worked in my office who had four kids. / What was she, a possum?

The thing I realized about hip hop before anyone else is that the artists would sign away the publishing rights for next to nothing! / That's an incredible anecdote!

But it takes a brave person to be able to see one's shortcomings. / Yeah, it does. / In this day and age, it's very, very refre... / Remarkable. / Refreshing. / Refreshing was the word I meant.

You are a stone-cold, neck-down hottie. I want the whole world to know we dated.

I split the bill on all my dates. Why would I pay for a girl to get fatter?

God, Jamaican jerk Jesus, just sign this! / No, Teddy! Jonah Ryan will not be silenced.

Did you offer to blow him? / Tut-tut, Selina. We do not refer to Mr. Wade's sexual orientation. / Sorry. / But yes. Yes, I did.

Well, I didn't tell him you were a lousy lay. / Probably read it in our books.

Selina, I mean it. You're in my head all the time. You always have been and you always will be. / Yeah, yeah. / I love you. / Ma'am.

She's having a textbook aneurysm. / Still looks like a goddess.

That was the most humiliating experience I've had in my entire life, and I was Vice President of the United States...

Which, I was all for it when it killed my dad, but it's not so funny when the shoe's on the other ventricle.

Which, I was all for it when it killed my dad, but it's not so funny when the shoe's on the other ventricle.

When I had my face-lift, we told people that you were having a face-lift.

When I had my face-lift, we told people that you were having a face-lift.

And then we blow each other's brain's out. / Yeah.

Is it gonna explode between my legs and make me cum until I cry? / I think it's peppermint.

I mean, you pull it out to cum on her tits 'cause you think it's gonna make you feel alive. But it doesn't matter where you cum, Ames. Ya know? It just doesn't. It just... It doesn't.

They could reassure people that look like him that their country wouldn't be ruined by people that look like her.

How about we disrupt the election? / I'm addicted to disruption, especially since I stopped using cocaine.

A lot of you knew me when I was really little and I was just running around in diapers. And now here we are, and a lot of you are wearin' diapers.

'Lyin' Ryan.' That's gonna stick.

But finally, people are starting to believe women, and I believe Amanda when she says, 'Not me. Not. Me.' / That's catchy too.

The first one since Carter-Mondale.

I'm just about to fuck this really hot 19-year-old cater waitress. OK? Oh, and get this. Her name's Meagan.

No one. Literally no one ever wants prosecco.

you're gonna be drowning in money so dark it could get shot entering its own apartment.

Seriously, it's America's first two-cooter ticket.

How dare that smooth shitsack cheat on his wife and risk his political future with someone that's not me?

Just because Felix Wade is gayer than an Eames chair in assless leather chaps doesn't mean that he's some sort of fashion diva.

Thousands of unattractive women.

I stand behind these brave, unattractive women who have come forward to say, 'Not me.' / Once upon a time, back in high school, I too did not date Jonah Ryan.

Looks like we're not the only campaign who farted and had to throw their pants away.

Where is that fat-faced, freckled fuck-it-up-agus?

Hiding in the bathroom, ma'am, making pretend diarrhea noises.

I just can't believe that that second-hand Muppet wrote an article that people actually read.

I'm gonna choke him with that giant cock of his, see how he likes it.

Because back in our old Senate days, this one here had a real thing for blond hill rats in Nine West pumps desperate to fuck their way to the middle.

Congratulations. Then you probably won't fuck it up.

God, I feel so sorry for whoever's stickin' their dick in that bag of mayonnaise.

The tri-racial twat stabbed me in the back! / She really is your protégée.

Oh, remember, lift with your back. / It's your legs. L-Legs. / No, you lift with your back. / Oh. That's incorrect. / OK, well. That could probably be the main cause of your scoliosis. / I have scoliosis? / Oh, yes. Clearly.

That could probably be the main cause of your scoliosis. I have scoliosis? Oh, yes. Clearly.