The Vic Allen Dinner

Dan · Mike:What rhymes with majority? Nothing. / Oh, priority. And authority. Sorority. Oh, my God, there's a million words that rhyme with it.

Jonah:Jonah finishes his sentence about what kind of person would be jealous — 'I don't know, dick, I guess' — delivered as a talking head cut away after a beat of silence.

Selina:Look at the size of his coffee mug. Jeez, you could hide a baby in that thing.

Gary:You look concerned, but steely. Like a lady soldier.

Selina · Gary:Oh, there are not gonna be any veterans at this teen prayer breakfast thing tomorrow, are there? No, ma'am. No missing legs.

Selina:Who the hell is religious as a teenager? I was. I mean, smoke some weed, for Christ's sake, right?

Gary:It's like two little clutch bags attached to his face.

Selina:Oh, my God, with the bags. It's always bags with you. Got to get out of the bag zone.

Dan · Mike:We're all being hit by deadlines, right, Mike? Yes, sir. They can swing around and smack you like a boom.

Kent:Leaning out in the tack, your big man balls dipping in the salty sea.

Kent:I have no children and I wish for none, but she's my family.

Dan:You know, I once went powerboating on Lake Erie. Amazing rush.

Kent:You don't talk powerboating to us sailors, Dan.

Dan:What's the fucking difference?

Dan:Is this the amount of times you've admired yourself in the mirror today? No, I'm guessing that's the difference in salary between this job and the one that you just interviewed for.

Dan:Simple makeup, higher neckline. Flats don't go with that dress, which means you probably have heels in your bag. Coffee from corner bakery implying you were at one of the lobbying shops on 18th.

Dan:I think he'll be pulling Bon Jovi out of a burning tank in case we all forgot what a fucking war hero he is.

Selina:It looks like I'm tweeting when a guy loses his leg.

Selina · Amy:Selina: 'I'm stabbing him. I'm going to go stab him.' / Amy reacts deadpan.

Gary:Gary: 'I'll start running the acid bath.' — offering to destroy evidence.

Kent · Selina:Vis-à-vis jowls. / That's how he looks. That's his face.

Selina · Kent:Why didn't you just take the good one of me, Photoshop it in? / I can't airbrush history, ma'am. I'm not Joseph Stalin.

Selina:No, that's true. You're not. You don't have a tenth of his charm.

Selina:Oh, so now I have to have Dan and Mike, Rodgers and Hammershit, come up with a new song in an afternoon?

Tom James / male advisor:She was multitasking. It's a thing women can do, like smelling nice and wrapping gifts.

Selina:What are you laughing about, Jolly Green Jizzface?

Jonah · Selina:Oh, I came here to tell you that you're a meme, ma'am. I'm a meme ma'am? What are you talking about? Speak English, boy.

Jonah:You at the Declaration of Independence... With Mary Magdalene at the crucifixion, the 2004 tsunami.

Selina:If there was a tsunami, you'd be genuinely looking at your phone 'cause you'd be checking the weather.

Selina:Oh, my God, yeah. Okay, yeah, that's a cherry on top of this whole turd cake.

Selina:Ooh, your leg. Could you put...? Fix your leg so I can see your whole leg. Fix it. Yeah. Okay.

Dan:You're out of your head, dude. That would have made people piss in their pants.

Dan:Three words... Weird Al Yankovic.

Dan · Mike:Just protect the endangered goose, Bruce. / These are all great. / If the first one bombs, people are gonna be sitting out there thinking, 'Shit the bed, we got 49 more of these to go.'

Mike:Nobody can [get in with Kent]. He's half robot, half robot.

Dan:In college all the girls liked me. There was this one girl, smart, who had no interest in me. She wasn't gay either. I checked.

Mike · Dan:And did you? / No. / And that failure has haunted me to this very day.

Mike:I have a similar story, but the other way around. In college there was only one girl that was interested in me. And it turns out she was actually a lesbian.

Selina · Sue:You are incredibly valued here and I was wondering if there's anything we could do to make you want to stay with us. / More money, ma'am. / I'm on it. Welcome back. / Honored to serve.

Selina:Just bought Sue for a dollar. Who's next?

Selina:I've never eaten with Gary before. / I've eaten next to him, but...

Dan · Jonah:Good morning, Jonad. / You're pathetic. / Jonuts!

Dan · Mike:Everyone hates him. / Yeah, but we hated him first. / Oh, yeah, we hated him long before it was even fashionable to hate him.

Mike:This is like a wildlife documentary. Jonah in his natural habitat. He might defecate in a bush.

Jonah:Yeah, he's just feeling bad. He's... you know, he's sugary. Or he's not sugary enough.

Dan:You're obsolete. You're like an old VCR, but with a bigger mouth.

Jonah:You've been following me like Nancy Drew and his butt-sniffing dog, and I'm the one that has nothing to do?

Jonah:Well, I might have nothing to do, gentlemen, but at least when I'm crying about it, I am crying about it in my car in West Wing Exec parking.

Selina:♪ No, no, no, don't sing it with me / That fucks me up. ♪

Speaker Marwood · Amy:Now, am I getting older or are you getting younger? / We're both getting older. / That's the third option, of course. That's great stuff.

Speaker Marwood:There will be no jokes from me. I'm not going to mention the photograph. [beat] Were you Internet shopping?

Speaker Marwood · Selina:They seemed very excited about the possibility of a veteran becoming president. Not necessarily me. / Well, they seemed very excited about the possibility of a woman becoming president. Not necessarily you.

Speaker Marwood:Hey, it is good to be on top of international relations. So there are fewer opportunities for guys like me to risk our lives. And limbs.

Dan · Amy:Amy, you should stop eating so much. / What the fuck are you talking about? / You're stress eating. / I'm not. I'm having dessert.

Dan:Find yourself a political nerd who also showers. I'm just saying I'm looking out for you. I wouldn't want you to become a fat, neurotic freak. Speaking as a friend.

Selina · Speaker Marwood:You saved four guys from captivity. Yeah, and they weren't burnt, by the way. Chung's guy had a face like a Christmas ham.

Danny Chung · Selina:Danny Chung beatboxing at the political dinner — the crowd going wild while Selina's team stares dead-eyed.

Selina:That isn't impressive at all. He's just spitting, right?

Governor Chung:Of course, all she had to do was unlock her bedroom door, but thanks anyway.

Speaker Marwood:Well, at least she didn't look down her nose at 'em. You know, when they're looking for the thing.

Selina:I need a joke. I need a joke.

Selina:I'll tell you, that's one speaker I'd like to put on mute.

Selina:You just need to keep in mind that I'm not Selina Dion.

Selina:♪ Kiss a fat baby, Abie / Set yourself free ♪

Kent · Dan:This is imbecilic. / You're right. It's asinine. / No, keep smiling, Mr. Ryan. / I'm smiling falsely. So should you.

Amy · Selina:You killed it. / You killed better than Chung killed, and he's actually killed.

Selina:I had to pretend not to like it to Kent while pretending to like it like he was pretending to like it, but he didn't actually like it and I actually really liked it.

Kent:Kent to Selina: 'Ma'am, your song last night made my lips curl.' (pause) 'Upwards.'

Selina · Kent:Oh, you want Dan? / No, I want Mike.

Mike:Uh, no, you don't want me, sir. You do want Dan. He's great.

Selina · Kent:Selina being offered Helsinki in exchange for Mike — her dawning horror and eventual capitulation.

Selina · Kent:Mike, on second thought, I think that this whole Dream... / Metric. / Dream Metric thing sounds kind of fantastic.

Mike · Selina:Ma'am, please don't let him take me. I don't want to go to numbers camp. / I can't help you. Just let go.

Mike:I don't make impressions, ma'am. I've literally lived with people who insist I was never there.

Selina:You give no press briefings. Understood? / I become Mike, you become an ugly me.

Dan:Ma'am, I'm gonna get you major online traction. Reddit, Tumblr, boom.

Selina · Dan:Whatever. Just don't use my bathroom on Air Force Two. / There's another bathroom?

Dana · Selina:So cut to I'd set up a business importing pecorino cheese. Are you familiar with that brand of cheese? / Uh, I think... / It's like parmesan, but it's different. / They're very different.

Selina · Dana:And they would have made her an offer that she couldn't refuse. / Actually, the mafia involvement in the dairy industry is minimal. / You're right. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be flippant. / Think about it. In 'The Godfather,' no cheese.

Dana · Selina:Dana correcting Selina on pecorino vs. parmesan: 'Pecorino.' / '...the pecorino.' / 'I'm sorry.'

Gary:Boom! That's her catchphrase. She got you. You got to be so careful.

Selina · Gary:A new Leviathan! / A Lev... a new Leviathan! / Isn't that great?

Dana · Gary:Does it have the same layout, honey? Because it took you so long to learn the other one. / No, it's fine. I can learn a new layout. It's fine.

Gary:♪ I love my new bag! ♪ / I can just sew some new pockets in. That's okay.

Gary:Gary: 'I can just sew some new pockets in. That's okay.'

Dana · Gary · Selina:I won't touch anything. Oops, I just started a war with Iran. / Joke. / That's not even remotely funny. / That's just one of my classic jokes.

Selina · Dana:Our European visit just got turned into a one-way trip to hell and back. / That's actually a return.

Selina:But, you know, you're gonna have your bag forever, so what the fuck?

Selina · Amy · Jonah:Who the hell does he think he is? / 'George Dennis' of 'Le Monde' called the vice president a typical American hick. / I think it's pronounced Georges Denis. / I'm not a hick. Screw you, Depardieu.

Jonah:I just liked the song so much. And I thought you wanted it out there, so I just put it out there.

Selina:Get off the plane. / What? / Get off of the plane. / Ma'am, we're taxiing. / I don't give a shit. Get the fuck off my plane.

Selina · Jonah:I cannot believe that you put that out on Tumble. / No, Tumblr.

Selina · Jonah · Dan:All of your privileges are gonna be removed. / Okay, but not the parking. / Yeah, the parking. / Wait, what? You have parking? / Not anymore. / But I didn't even own a car. I just had to sign a two-year lease for the Nissan Cube.

Dan · Selina:He should really be on suicide watch. / Yeah, make sure he goes through with it.

Kent:Numbers, they never end, do they? But that's what's good about them... they keep going.

Selina · Amy · Dan:Post-Jonah departure — 'Better?' / 'It's all good.' / 'Totally fine.' / 'Great.' — followed by a long silence beat.

Amy:Amy: 'How long is this flight?'

Kent:Kent pointing at demographic data: 'That's the Latino vote, right? That thing?' — pointing at an object on a screen.

Jonah:Pen. [beat] I leased a Nissan Cube from you the other day. What are my options if I don't need it anymore? Can I just give that back? / No? / [Sighs] Paper.