Selina and her staff head to Helsinki to finalize a trade agreement, but are worried whether Selina will be received warmly in Europe. Dan call Mike for advice on charming the press and Mike leans on Jonah for help. Ken and Ben argue over how to deal with new intel.
International incompetence yields 74 jokes in 38 minutes—Veep's densest episode yet.
Directed by Becky Martin · Written by Ian Martin
WAR
158.8
Wins Above Replacement
“Helsinki” ranks #29 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 93.6 — Elite. The episode packs 108 scored jokes at 3.1 per minute, averaging 7.6 on craft and 7.4 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Selina: Where I come from, we kill people for looking at us funny. We waterboard folks who haven't even done anything. And you raped my tit.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Oh, no. Don't feel ashamed, Gary. Because, of course, you're not a ball sack. And not everyone can say that they're not... excuse me, I'm so sorry... a ball sack. Not even everyone at this very table.
Selina Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: So I'm coming for you 'cause I'm an Angry Bird right now... and you're a pig.
Selina Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Finnish PM: You see, kassi is bag, but it's not bag man. It is a man bag. You know, rrr. It is a container. It is a testicle container.
Finnish PM Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Kent: Yeah, not the good ones. Not 'Platoon.'
Kent Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback All Jokes — 108 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Amy: Yeah, she's going to apologize to Europe 'cause it's right up there with the bubonic plague and the carpet bombing at Dresden.
Amy Irony/Sarcasm Dark/Subversive Amy: Ignore Dan. He's hormonal.
Amy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Amy · Dan: You need to do it like Mike. Yeah, I don't want to be like Mike, okay? Even Mike doesn't want to be like Mike.
Amy Dan Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Amy: We need to keep the veep away from regular people and their awkward questions. So while she's in Helsinki, just keep her out of Helsinki.
Amy Irony/Sarcasm Absurdist Gary: She gave me a Leviathan with fewer pockets.
Gary Character Comedy Observational Selina: Any burning effigies of me in the Balkans?
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina · Gary: Look at you in your jammies.
Selina: This is Cipro. I don't have a urinary infection.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Selina: I need my little soldiers. I need my flaming redheads.
Selina Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Selina: Europhobic? Seriously? What is that supposed to mean? I'm scared of subtitles?
Selina Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Mike: Not yet, but I do have a summary of the summary that's great.
Mike Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Mike: It's fucking insane here. It's like a math prison. They rape you with numbers.
Mike Character Comedy Absurdist Mike Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Dan: How do you do that Fozzie Bear, happy guy, wocka-wocka bullshit to get the press to like you?
Dan Character Comedy Observational Mike · Dan: Oh, you want to learn to McLin-talk, huh? Remember it's a performance. You have to pretend that you're charming. It doesn't matter if the jokes are weak, keep it loose. Deliberately bad jokes. It's kind of genius.
Mike Dan Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Dan Deadpan/Understatement Reaction Beat Mike: If you do this, I will get you back in as the veep's resident creep.
Mike Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Jonah: Yeah, but you don't do it well and nobody believes you.
Jonah Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Dan · Amy · Selina: So you guys all think of a card. I'm thinking nine of hearts. I'm thinking joker.
Selina: That was cold and hostile. Sure we didn't overshoot and land in Russia in the 1950s?
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Observational Amy: You do not want one of those on your back. They will sell nude pics of their grandmothers for a glass of hot beer.
Amy Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Amy: If Mike were here, we would have spent the entire flight watching him do scratcher lotto tickets going, 'Oh, so close,' every time he lost.
Amy Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Dan: Selina, you looking for 50 ways to leave Helsinki?
Dan Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Jonah: Holy shit, grandpa, you probably still get your porn from magazines.
Jonah Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Kent: Now, this isn't a choice like my diet, this is a necessity like my drinking.
Kent Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Kent: The national security advisor is running around like he's got eagles flying out of his dick.
Kent Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Mike: All this melodrama really explains your three divorces.
Mike Character Comedy Setup/Punchline Kent: Well, I'd like to divorce your head from your fucking neck.
Kent Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: I must go to sleep now, Amy. I'm on your time... Helsinchronized.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy Amy: I feel like I'm on two time zones at the same time. I might be the first woman ever to have parallel periods.
Amy Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Amy: Lives were at risk. You know lives? Like what you had before they made you king of the undead.
Amy Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Amy: Your idea of crisis management is screaming, 'We're fucked! Bury me!'
Amy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Kent or staffer: 'We're fucked! Bury me!' [said in response, as if actually performing the behavior just described]
Selina: Because no one will feed me? ... I don't, actually. How baffling.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina · Finnish PM: It's an Angry Bird. Because it wants to destroy all of the pigs. / And why is it so angry?
Selina: Although violence in games is a concern. But in this case, it's great fun to kill the pigs in a game, of course.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Selina · Finnish PM · entourage: [Reaction beat: uncomfortable silence/pause after Selina says 'it's great fun to kill the pigs']
Finnish PM · Selina: Finland, you are hefty.
Finnish PM · Selina: Uh-uh. That is the wrong word. Oh. Yes, it is ironic, no? Because Americans have a much greater body mass index than the Finns.
Selina: Ah, which is why I have recently launched my Get Moving campaign, which is aimed specifically at the obese and the morbidly obese.
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Jonah: Why do you hate numbers so much? Oh, God, you weren't molested by your math teacher, were you?
Jonah Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Kent · Mike: Are you familiar with the Eye of Sauron? ... I think I caught it on a plane once.
Kent Mike Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Mike Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Callback Kent: No, no, no. Enough of that ear swill.
Kent Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Congressman Furlong: Are you working as a hatcheck girl now?
Mike: Christ, I hate knowledge.
Mike Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Finnish PM's husband Osmo: That hasn't happened in Washington since 1835.
Finnish PM: This gives the impression that I am somehow humorless or petty. I am 'neider.'
Selina: So that song, unlike your career as communications director, will not die. So now you must go and apologize for the apology.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Amy: Oh, here he comes. Virgin Atlantic.
Amy Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm British reporter: Are you gonna be apologizing for this in about an hour or so? / Blimey, that was quick.
Selina · Finnish PM: We should keep this causing offense and then apology cycle going. You could step on my dress. I could sneeze in your drink. / I could say you have a weird-shaped head. Which of course you don't.
Selina: Oh, the tennis player? No. No. I'm joking. I'm joking now.
Selina Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Finnish PM: Danteeksi... in Finnish it means I'm sorry. But the press have added 'Da'... To make Danteeksi.
Finnish PM: Danteeksi, I need to apologize to you in advance because I think that this is going to be 'The Never Ending Sorry.' As opposed to 'story.'
Sue: Are you on antipsychotics or in Helsinki?
Sue Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Dan or Amy's DC contact: POTUS wants hands shaken and old women grinned at.
Dan: I apologized less after I banged my brother's fiancée.
Dan Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: I've been negotiating my ass off all day. And it's number five, by the way.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Callback Finnish PM's husband Osmo: Oh, well, it's only the Prime Minister of Finland. Less power than the Mayor of Cleveland.
Finnish PM's husband Osmo: Your Secret Service look about as tough as mine. Shall we get them to fight?
Selina · Gary: Gary, my boob. / He grabbed it. / I'm the Vice President of the United States of America. / He just squeezed my tit like a balloon.
Gary: Okay, I'm gonna go mess him up.
Gary Character Comedy Misdirection Finnish PM · Selina's aide: Nothing bad, I hope. / Just a major violation of a border.
Finnish PM: You get this in a text? / The only text I get is from my husband saying I am being late home again.
Gary: He looks like a Disney villain.
Gary Character Comedy Observational Amy or Selina · Gary: Jesus, Gary. You look leukemic. I always do. That's my look. Yeah, well, you are rocking that look pretty hard tonight, my friend.
Selina: POTUS wouldn't have the balls to grope me.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Selina · Dan or Amy: We need to rain down the full might of our nuclear arsenal on Finland. / Mm-hmm. / That's the other thing I forgot to tell you. We're gonna blow up Finland.
Dan: I bet when you take a crap, it actually comes out as a number two.
Dan Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Congressman Furlong: You two have been caught with your balls in grandma's mouth. Everybody's talking about it up on the Hill.
Congressman Furlong: Screw you and your Confucius grasshopper bullshit, all right?
Congressman Furlong: Oh, do they know? Laurel and Retardy?
Congressman Furlong: Right, Team Fuckup. Yeah, I got my membership card here somewhere. I can't find it.
Congressman Furlong: Oh, I've seen the bigger picture. Shows POTUS lying to the American people. I'm telling you, this is not just a crisis. This is at least 10 years of Oliver Stone movies.
Kent: Yeah, not the good ones. Not 'Platoon.'
Kent Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Congressman Furlong: What the fuck is wrong with you, Kent? Seriously, when you pulled the pin out, you're supposed to throw the grenade away. You don't stick it up your own freakin' ass.
Kent: That I'd like to see.
Kent Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dan: What about the grope? I mean, come on. Thank you. That is an attack on America. All right? That's like a sexual 9/11 in my opinion.
Dan Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Dan: Or a sexual Cuban Missile Crisis at the least.
Dan Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Amy · Dan · Selina: It's not like we can go public about the grope. It would define you. / Your tit being fondled by a Finn would be all you're remembered for. / You can't build a statue on that.
Dan: Your tit being fondled by a Finn would be all you're remembered for. You can't build a statue on that.
Dan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Amy: Because of the axis of dick.
Amy Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina · Finnish PM: This fish is delicious. What is this fish? / It is chicken. / The breast? / Yes.
Finnish PM's husband Osmo · Finnish PM: I love fish. / Some men do not like the taste. / I do.
Gary · Finnish PM: I'm the VP's bag man, which I believe in Finland you say kassi. / Excuse me? / I'm a kassi.
Finnish PM: You see, kassi is bag, but it's not bag man. It is a man bag. You know, rrr. It is a container. It is a testicle container.
Finnish PM Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Selina: Oh, no. Don't feel ashamed, Gary. Because, of course, you're not a ball sack. And not everyone can say that they're not... excuse me, I'm so sorry... a ball sack. Not even everyone at this very table.
Selina Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Jonah · Mike: Shit, maybe it was control A. I think you might have selected all and sent everything that was on that thumb drive. / That's what you told me to do. / No, I didn't. / You said command A. / No, I said control A. / You just couldn't hear me because you didn't have your ear trumpet.
Mike · Jonah: I feel like I want to burn this thing. Can I burn this computer? / Why would you burn that, Mike?
Dan: You're career poison. Do you know that? Jesus, that's why you like sailing, because you're a fucking anchor dragging promising careers down to the bottom of the fucking ocean.
Dan Character Comedy Escalation Dan: Well, tell that to Oprah when you mount your comeback.
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dan: Look, you marked it highly confidential, thereby guaranteeing that this thing is gonna go viral.
Dan Irony/Sarcasm Observational Kent · Congressman Furlong: Uh, the vice president was groped by the Finnish prime minister's husband. / What? Why are you telling me that? / That's just weird. / Yeah, that's really unfortunate. / Was that up in the hills or down in the valley?
Mike · Kent: Sir, I was thinking the Eye of Sauron, you know? Keep the focus on Helsinki. / Sailing.
Mike Kent Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Well, the weather here in Helsinki has been... hellishly cold.
Selina Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Selina: Where I come from, we kill people for looking at us funny. We waterboard folks who haven't even done anything. And you raped my tit.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: So I'm coming for you 'cause I'm an Angry Bird right now... and you're a pig.
Selina Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Amy: I stand with the president. / I stand with the president? / Why did I say that?
Selina Amy Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Amy · Selina: Can we pretend you didn't say it? / What will people think I mean? / That you stand with the president. / I mean, there's not a ton of ambiguity with that one.
Amy Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: Well, who knew that being sexually assaulted wouldn't be the worst thing to happen in my day, huh? That's something for the memoirs.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Gary: I told everybody I was a scrotum.
Gary Character Comedy Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Amy · Gary: Yeah, you did, didn't you. / It's okay. / Did you hear that? / He's not. / Ma'am, are you okay? / I don't know. I guess so. Sure. / No.
Selina · Amy: I mean, would it be so hard for people not to be assholes? / I wouldn't know.
Selina Amy Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Amy · Dan · Selina: I just found out who that British reporter is. / 57 Twitter followers. / That's shit for a journalist.
Selina: Europe used to be my favorite continent. Now it's not even in my top five.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina: Europe used to be my favorite continent. Now it's not even in my top five.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch