Andrew

Mike · Leon:Mike trying to spin the song as 'jesty' and the reporter repeating 'Jesty?' back at him with obvious skepticism

Mike · Leon:Mike responding to Leon's rapid-fire gotcha questions about the spy coverup by saying 'Is your blood sugar off? Have a pastry or some herring, okay?'

Leon · Mike:Leon's systematic dismantling: 'Either she knew the student was a spy and lied when she denied it, or she didn't know, but lied about knowing the details of the military rescue.' Mike's response: 'This isn't Meyer the Liar again.' Leon: 'Well, it is now.'

Selina · Mary King:Selina's negotiation small talk: 'All you ever want for these kids is to be happy and healthy. And stay out of Middle East politics. So two out of three ain't bad.'

Selina:After Catherine's Middle East comment, Selina says 'I'm amazed you can laugh about that.' Selina replies flatly: 'Yes, that's what I do. I'm laughing about it.'

Dan:Dan describing waiting for the Mary King meeting outcome: 'It's like waiting for a biopsy result.'

Amy · Dan:Mary King pretended to faint to win negotiations against Brian Earl

Dan · Amy:Dan's reaction to learning Amy's date is Ed Webster: 'You swore you were only gonna date outside DC.' / Amy: 'He's not in DC. He works in Boston.' / Dan: 'Well, my mom doesn't live in Rome, but she's still a fucking Catholic.'

Dan · Amy · Gary:Dan: 'Are you getting worked up, Danny?' / Dan: 'Shut the fuck up, Gary.' / Amy: 'I'm so happy you're happy for me, Dan.' / Dan: 'Oh, what do you want, a fucking cake?'

Selina · Mary King:Selina calls Mary's bluff: 'You stalling for time?' then offers a Kleenex, and adds: 'I think it's over. Sneezes always come in threes. Have you ever noticed that?' Mary: 'Really? Is that so?' — and then Mary sneezes a fourth time.

Selina · Mary King:Selina notices Mary may be about to faint: 'You're gonna faint?' Mary: 'I'm not-- oh, very funny.'

Selina · Gary · Mary King:Gary's cats cause Mary's allergic reaction — 'Oh, Gary has cats.' — and then 'Gary, deflower the room.'

Selina · unidentified staffer:'Gary, deflower the room.' / 'There's a sentence I bet you thought you'd never hear.'

Mary King · Selina:Mary insists they must finish the deal tonight; Selina notes she has her daughter's 21st birthday. Mary: 'Would you miss your son's Civil Union ceremony?' / 'I did.' / 'Oh. Well, then, you have to come to Catherine's.'

Selina:'Stick a coat and tie on a fucking oxygen tank.'

Mike · Selina:Selina: 'Some dumbass is resurrecting Meyer the Liar.' / Mike: 'Ugh, just because my last name rhymes with liar.'

Mike:Mike: 'How lucky am I that I'm not Selina Mapist or Selina Medophile?'

Jonah:Jonah: 'I just saw Mary King. Looked like she's been thrown up by a whale.'

Ben:'If we don't get this done by midnight, we're all gonna turn into ugly sisters and get eaten by wolves or whatever the fuck happens at the end of that story.'

Jonah:Amy receives the news that Ed Webster is here. Jonah: 'I think he's nervous. His voice sounded clammy.'

Ben:Ben to Amy, completely casually: 'It's good that you'll have sex soon.'

Selina · Amy:Press release version two: 'Mary King steals peace pipe, breaks it in half, shits all over it.'

Gary · Selina:Andrew gave Selina a black Porsche for Valentine's Day that he bought with Catherine's trust fund money. 'He just fluffs ya, and then he fucks ya.'

Gary:Gary explaining Selina's Andrew-effect to Amy/Dan: 'It's like a cat on a hot tin dog.'

Selina:Selina: 'I'm gonna be the sexiest woman to ever exude fiscal prudence. And that's a very fucking tough look to pull off.'

Ed:Ed's party warning: 'Fair warning, I party pretty hard. You should see me dance. I can't be controlled. I do a lot of pelvic thrusts. Just very localized dancing. Very small orbits.'

Ed:Ed: 'I've been wrecking parties since I was 13. I was like the Hunter S. Thompson of bar mitzvahs.'

Selina · Ed:Selina meeting Ed: 'We met in... in Bumfuck, Idaho, I think it was.' / Ed: 'DC.' / Selina: 'Yes, yes. That's what I like to call DC as a joke.'

Dan:Dan to Ed after Selina fails to remember him: 'Hey buddy, don't worry that she didn't remember you, okay? It's only 'cause you're a nonentity.'

Selina · Catherine:Selina to Catherine: 'Don't you think that you and your friends would call this whole thing an epic succeed?'

Andrew:Andrew asking 'you still running marathons? Right, surprised you still got any nipples left.'

Andrew:Andrew to Jenny at the party: 'Remember that one time when you said you were way into Twilight and I thought you meant the time of day? It really is the most dangerous time for traffic, though.'

Selina · Catherine:Catherine: 'Mom, you've invited the House Majority Leader to my birthday party?' / Selina: 'Yeah, sweetheart, it's the 100 billion cutoff. You've heard about that?' / 'Of course I've heard about that.' / 'Okay, so we are fixing the biggest problem facing the world right here, right now at your party. So that's kind of cool, don't you think?'

Selina · Rahim:Selina to Rahim: 'You drink alcohol?' / 'Yes, ma'am.' / 'Oh, you Iranians are full of surprises.'

Selina · aide:After Rahim says 'Salâmati' (cheers in Farsi), Selina and her aide: 'What did he just say?' / 'I don't know. Some gibberish. I can't understand him.'

Ben:Ben arrives with 'number crunchers to help you finish the deal. And one of them is a designated driver because I am going to get fucked up.'

Gary:Someone flattering Selina about her appearance: 'You look so good, you're like a work of art. You make this stuff look like shit. Compared to you, that Monet is a piece of shit.'

Amy · Selina · Gary:Amy trying to limit Selina's Andrew time: 'The ex? Three minutes.' / Selina: 'What, are you negotiating already? I'll give you four.' / Amy: 'I'll cut her off at three, okay?'

Andrew:Andrew about scuba diving: 'Magical to be down there. With the coral and the fish. Feeling up all the mermaids. They should cover up if they don't want it.'

Andrew · Selina:Andrew: 'What would your answer be?' / Selina: 'My answer would be Jesus fucking Christ.'

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'Well, technically, ma'am, he had the palm of your hand in his hand.' / Selina: 'Oh.' / Gary: 'You need to be really careful, sweetie.'

Gary · Selina:Gary calls Selina 'sweetie' by accident, then is horrified

Gary · Selina:Gary: 'Oh my God, I'm sorry.' / Selina: 'That's what I call Dana.' / Gary: 'Did you ever call Dana ma'am?' / Gary: 'I did once and it was awful.'

Selina · Gary:Selina: 'If I were drunk right now, would you kiss me?' / Gary: 'Yeah.' / Selina: 'No, Gary, I'm kidding.' / Gary: 'Right.'

Ben:Ben's party arrival announcement: 'It's time to drop a party bomb up in here!' followed by 'Happy 21st birthday, Catherine!' — immediately followed by proposing to talk about targeted base closings

Selina · Mary King:In the middle of intense negotiations: 'Something sex my dick trick?' / 'Did you say dick?' / 'Sex your dick trick.'

Andrew:Andrew's double entendre to Selina: 'You look great in an art gallery 'cause you kind of are a work of art. I mean, I know I'd like to nail you up against a wall.' / 'No, that was knowing. I was being knowing.'

Selina:Selina interrupting teenage girls' fight to say 'Hey gals, you need to keep it down, okay? There are other people in here trying to have a conversation.' — while she's negotiating federal fiscal policy

Selina · Mary King:Mary: 'I cannot stand teenage girls.' / Selina: 'Were you ever one?' / Mary: 'Never.' / Selina: 'Me neither.'

Mike · Amy:Mike singing: 'Amy and Ed work for the VP, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.' / Amy: 'Fuck off, Mike.' / Mike: 'Sure.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'I wonder how much vodka we'd need to have to have a little Mrs. Robinson moment.' / 'That is extremely disrespectful.' / Jonah: 'That's like the highest compliment you can give somebody.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah revealing to Ed that Amy and Dan used to date: 'Amy and Dan used to date, FYI.' / Dan: 'Yeah, thanks for the backgrounding, Jonah.'

Jonah:Jonah's logic that calling the VP a 'Mrs. Robinson' is 'the highest compliment you can give somebody'

Jonah · Dan · Ed:Jonah to Dan: 'Does that mean you're back on the market?' / Dan: 'I'm sorry, are you hitting on my date during my date?' / Jonah: 'Are you on meds?' / 'Yeah, antibiotics. Just keeping fresh. I'm not mentally ill if that's what you're implying.'

Selina:Selina's birthday speech that gradually collapses into proposing 'constructive talking time' and asking for 'chillaxing kind of music'

Amy:Amy on the Meyer the Liar story: 'Monsters. It's like first Princess Diana, now this.'

Ben · Mike:Ben: 'As people say, if it rhymes, it chimes.' / Mike: 'Who says that? No one says that.' / Ben: 'I'm pretty sure I heard someone say that.'

Selina:Selina: 'I'm swimming in it and I'm breathing it in through my snorkel.'

Ben:Ben: 'Oh, great. Here's Eeyore. Deal, boom. Party, boom. You are the boom boom veep.'

Andrew:Andrew at the dinner, about free diving: 'Kind of like sitting next to my mother after Thanksgiving dinner.'

Catherine · Selina · Andrew:Catherine: 'Mom, you're doing your fake laugh again.' / Selina: 'What?' / 'Come on, this is nice.' / 'I can't tell if it's fake.' / 'You could never tell if it was fake.' / Andrew: 'Yes, I could.' / 'Mm-hmm. What are you, some sort of expert?' / 'In certain areas.'

Dan:Dan to Amy about Andrew/Selina flirting: 'This is not flirting. This is like as subtle as putting a nude photo on Facebook.'

Amy · Dan:Amy to Dan: 'I heard whining and I assumed I needed to apologize. How long have you not been listening to me?'

Selina · Andrew:Andrew: 'I can't stand that alpha male arrogant thing.' / 'I really can't stand it, Andrew.' / '...And fuck you for thinking so.'

Andrew:Andrew: 'And I'm very much enjoying the plastered-on smile, pretending everything's okay because people are watching.'

Jonah · Dan · Ed:Jonah to Ed: 'So, Ed. Eddie. Who do you know? Do you know Ray McCaskill? We both are really into '80s buddy comedies, which is ironically how we became buddies.' / 'Fuck buddies.' / Jonah: 'Why are you here? You really don't have anything to do, do you?'

Amy · Andrew:Amy and Andrew have a two-sentence exchange about love-hate: 'I understand that you guys have a love-hate relationship, but most people alternate emotions. They don't experience them at the same time.' / 'We've always had a volatile relationship.' / 'By that you mean bat shit crazy.'

Andrew · Catherine · Selina:Andrew: 'Followed by long, hard... making up, right?' / Catherine: 'Okay, I feel like you're actually going to have sex on this table and that would truly ruin my birthday.' / Selina: 'Catherine, please. Nobody's having sex on the table.'

Selina · Andrew · Catherine:Selina: 'I mean, we are sexual beings, of course.' / 'Oh, my God.' / 'We had sex. We, you know-- I mean, great sex.' / 'Great sex.' / Catherine: 'Well, I'm going to have to text my therapist.'

Andrew · Selina · Catherine:Andrew: 'Great sex.' (echoing Selina's 'great sex') / Catherine: 'Well, I'm going to have to text my therapist.'

Jonah:Jonah to someone who claims to be a Quaker: 'Bullshit. No one's a fucking Quaker. You probably think that staying sober keeps you on top of your game. Well, guess what. I work hard and I play hard, bitch. That's my credo. I got that shit tattooed on my dick with room to spare.'

Jonah:Jonah: 'I work hard and I play hard, bitch. That's my credo. I got that shit tattooed on my dick with room to spare.'

Dan:Dan's Jonah takedown: 'Jonah, you're not even a man. You're like an early draft of a man where they just sketched out a giant mangled skeleton, but they didn't have time to add details like pigment or self-respect. You're Frankenstein's monster if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks.'

Jonah · Dan:Jonah: 'I'm gonna go to the bathroom. Just try not to embarrass yourselves while I'm gone.' / 'We'll give it a shot.'

Amy · Andrew:Amy to Andrew when he tries to stop the Amy/Selina conversation about the bad news: 'I'm sorry. Can I interrupt a second?' / 'Uh, no.'

Selina:Selina learning Andrew's PAC funded both sides: 'I just was fluffed and then I got fucked.' — and then: 'Do you know-- smile. Smile, you stupid asshole. Make it bigger.'

Selina:Selina to Andrew, while smiling for cameras: 'Do you know-- smile. Smile, you stupid asshole. Make it bigger. There you go. Do you have any idea how the press is all over me right now? You're a stupid fucking prick.'

Selina · Andrew:Andrew: 'You're a stupid fucking prick.' / 'Right? You say it.' / 'I'm not gonna say that.'

Jonah · Selina:Jonah explaining the bad news: 'I think it looks like you guys are going to stab each other with steak knives.' / Selina: 'We're having a fight and we are smiling and putting a face on and you can do that, too. There you go.'

Selina · Amy:Amy tells Selina that POTUS is going to stall on the deal. Selina says: 'Oh, to congratulate me 'cause I made the deal last night.' / 'America thanks you.' / 'You're welcome.'

Selina:Selina on POTUS betrayal: 'Fuck POTUS. Right? And fuck Kent. They're just a bunch of fuckers.' — and then realizing she may have been photographed saying this.

Selina · Andrew:Selina: 'I was angry with you before, but I'm not angry with you now.' / Andrew: 'I understand that, honey.' / 'Don't call me honey for starters.'

Andrew · Selina · Catherine:Andrew tries to help Selina control the situation by saying 'I think that if you guys continue to smile, you're actually gonna get permanent lockjaw.' / Selina: 'She's so funny.' / Catherine: 'Sarcastic.'

Selina · Andrew · Catherine:The birthday cake blowout — Selina: 'Make a wish.' / Andrew blows out candles. / 'You can make your wish in the car.' — as everyone flees the venue

Selina · Andrew · Catherine:Andrew jumps out of the car mid-argument: 'What? You're getting out here?' / 'Yep.' / 'What are you talking about?' / 'I've got to go.' / 'Wait. Andrew, wait. Wait. We need to talk.' / Andrew: 'Bye, honey. Happy birthday.' / 'God damn it.'

Gary · Catherine:Final scene: Gary finds Catherine alone with her birthday cake. Extended awkward silence as he tries to figure out what to say. 'Pretty nice cake you got there.' / '...' / 'You gonna eat all of it?' / Catherine offers him some. Gary: 'Jesus fucking Christ. Here. Take that. Carrot cake's good.' / 'You want to try it?' / 'Nope. It's all yours. I can use my phone to cut it.'

Gary · Catherine:Final scene: Gary sits alone with Catherine and the uncut birthday cake. Small talk. 'You gonna eat all of it?' / 'Do you want a piece?' / 'I do.' / 'Here. Carrot cake's good.' / 'You want to try it?' / 'Nope.' / 'I can use my phone to cut it.'