Inauguration

Mike:Mike stakes his reputation that Selina Meyer will 'never be vice president ever, ever again' — immediately before she becomes vice president again

Mike:Mike's non-answer about Russia: 'The chances of this happening in Russia, nyet.'

Selina · Tom James:Selina tells Tom James 'You're gonna be an accidental president.' He replies: 'Pot, kettle.'

Selina · Tom James:Selina demands Secretary of State; Tom offers Vice President. 'That's literally the least you can do.' 'Vice president. Take it or leave it.'

Selina:'I wouldn't be your veep if there were a grassy knoll full of Jodie Foster fans in the front row at your inauguration.'

Selina:'General George Washington could climb out of his grave right now and I would rather eat out his zombified wooden asshole twice a day than be his vice fucking... fucking anything!'

Tom James:Tom responds to Selina's epic tirade with: 'Okay, let's put a pin in the VP for now.'

Kent · Selina:Kent reveals Selina was rated 43rd most effective president. 'Out of how many?' '44.' Right ahead of James Buchanan, 'who many feel caused the Civil War.'

Selina · Kent:'Kent, can you give a girl some warning next time before you jam it in the back door?' / 'Data gives no warning, ma'am.'

Selina:Selina suggests a 'first White House lesbian wedding' as legacy. 'Oh, God. I can't take that much acoustic guitar.'

Selina · Aide:'Well, then why don't we send warships out into the South China Seas?' / 'Sea.' / 'I want my Nobel Peace Prize!'

Selina:Selina shouts 'Legacy! Legacy meeting adjourned.' as if screaming the word is itself the legacy plan.

Dan · Ben:Dan muses about needing an agent to take the 'Dan Egan brand to the next level.' Ben: 'Too bad Goebbels killed himself.'

Selina · Ben:'The only president to pee sitting down since FDR. Is that gonna be my legacy, Ben?' / 'Well, I pee sitting down sometimes if it's gonna be a longy.'

Ben:Ben: 'Well, I pee sitting down sometimes if it's gonna be a longy.'

Selina:Selina tells staff to find Qataris at a Lamborghini dealership or 'wherever they have prostitutes.'

Gary · Unknown Staff:'Are there any pictures where the president isn't yelling at me?' / 'As far as I can tell, no such picture exists in the known universe.'

Gary:'No, New Hampshire is just a fancy word for it's cold outside, so I don't shave my pubes.'

Selina:Selina tells the Chinese diplomat she'll be 'continuing on... as... um... as vice president.' The painful pause before admitting it.

Selina · Ben:'It's really more of a copresident position. Wouldn't you agree with that, Ben?' / 'Sure.'

Selina · Chinese Diplomat:'Tom James could be healthier, I have to say... well, I suspect this will be of great interest to the Chinese.'

Selina:'Oh, right, no touchy the ladies. Oh, no, no. It's fine. It's private. Just don't let the lunatics back home know.'

Tom James · Selina:Tom: 'You have decided to throw away every last shred of dignity you have and accept my offer of the vice presidency.' Selina: 'I... I guess so, yeah.'

Tom James · Selina:'You're gonna be a partner... and a very important part of my administration.' / 'You're a motherfucker.' / 'No, I'm serious.'

Selina:'It's like a shitty Groundhog Day.'

Richard · Dan:Richard introduces 'hot interns' Colt, Brady, and Mason — three conventionally attractive men — to Dan, who wanted hot female interns.

Dan · Colt:Colt (male intern) brings Dan an exceptional latte. 'Oh, my God, this coffee is exceptional.' / 'Can we please keep him?' / 'Yeah, absolutely.'

Jonah · Interns:'I want you guys to get used to two things... killing it daily on the Hill and nights rated PG-squirteen.' / 'Baller.' / 'Baller.'

Selina:'Statesman-ish, which is a joke, of course.'

Tom James:'Come on, you page-diddling Hawaiian fat fuck.'

Tom James:'Thank you, Summerlin, you senile old piss sponge.'

Unknown Aide:Someone explains that a Senate tie 'is broken by the president of the Senate. Or what we humans call the vice president.'

Selina · Ben:'Secretary of state.' / 'God, I hate this country.' / 'I know.'

Gary · Unknown Staff Member:Gary's unhinged rant at Selina's staff after the loss: 'You fuckers. How dare you? That magnificent woman counted on you...' — someone calls him back to tell someone what's happening: 'Yeah, I got to call you back. Something amazing is happening.'

Gary:'Oh, shut up!' — Gary turns on the staff. 'You screwed her the worst. In all the ways.'

Gary:Gary: 'I know you make fun of me and I know that you think that I'm funny and I'm funny, ha, ha, ha. Well, at least I cared. I did my job! I fucking cared!'

Dan · Amy:'Well, that just kind of made this whole year worth it.' / 'Yeah.'

Ben:Ben's young-adult fiction pitch: 'Mine takes place in an alternate timeline where overweight, alcoholic ex-chiefs of staff are considered a sexual prize.'

Kent:Kent: 'Alternate timelines are a crutch for lazy sci-fi premises, e.g., "Star Trek" with the exception of "Deep Space Nine."'

News Anchor · Selina:News anchor announces Montez will nominate 'Wall Street banker Charlie Baird... President Meyer dated the banker briefly late last year.'

Selina · Richard:'I should have relied on you more, Richard... if I had had 100 Richards, who knows what I could have done?'

Richard:Richard: 'Or it could turn out like one of those "Twilight Zone" scenarios where we all murder each other. I don't even remember how to drive.'

Selina:Selina: 'I need a wallet. And stamps. I've got to get stamps.'

Selina:'If I was a little girl and you said to me, "What do you want to do?" I would have said, "Please, can I be president?" And then it turned out to be the 12 loneliest months of my life.'

Richard:Richard's rambling revelation: 'Maybe my auntie was actually my real mother and my mother was actually my grandmother. Ah, wow, that's starting to make a whole lot of sense. Everybody knew about it but me, too.'

Richard · Selina:'Are we praying, ma'am?' / 'No, I'm just gonna lie down.'

Selina:'Oh, my God, I hope I didn't fuck Richard.'

Selina:Selina wakes up confused after apparently sleeping next to Richard. 'Oh, God, I hope I didn't fuck Richard.'

Gary · Selina:'They can take away your presidency, they can take away your power, they can take away your dignity, but what is the one thing they cannot take away from you?' / 'My beauty.' / 'That's right. Let's go.'

Congressman (Jeff):'Do you realize the whole goddamn Rayburn House Office Building can hear you and your twink army in here cock scraping each other's esophagi?'

Unnamed Congressman · Will:'They must be substantially less attractive than the congressman.' / 'And I almost hired an Iraqi war veteran. Third degree burns on half his face, but the guy had personality, so...'

Will:'Because I'm repulsive both in appearance and manner.'

Unnamed Congressman:'Now let me give you some advice before you're yanked out of here like a cheerleader's unwanted fetus.'

Unnamed Congressman:'You look like Clark Kent if they dug up Christopher Reeve's corpse to play the part.'

Jonah · Colt:Jonah celebrates after leaving: 'Fuck that guy.' / 'Come on, let's go. Game on. Here we go. All right, ready? Alley-oop!' / 'My fucking nuts!'

Amy · Candi:Amy to Ben's new colleague: 'You've interviewed here so many times, I'd think that you'd know the place like the back of your hand by now.'

Kent · Ellen · Mike:Mike introducing his surrogate, twins, and three-year-old: 'Mike, she has the head circumference of a six-year-old.' / 'I'm six.'

Unknown:'I think it was a slave state, so it might have been free.'

Unknown:Small talk between Selina and Montez's family: 'Girls are the worst.' / 'Well, I also heard it might go down into the teens tonight.' (desperate pivot)

Selina · Laura Montez:Selina: 'And where exactly in Ohio are you from, Laura?' / Montez: 'I grew up right outside of Cleveland, but after 15 years, I feel like I am 100% New Mexican.' / 'New Mexican, but not Mexican?'

Selina:'New Mexican, but not Mexican?' — Selina's confused response when Montez says she's '100% New Mexican.'

News Anchor:News anchor: 'President Meyer has taken the stage. And she's greeting a very attractive stranger.' / 'That is first daughter Catherine Meyer.'

Selina · Andrew Doyle:Selina to Doyle at the inauguration: 'Why'd you do it, Andrew? I offered you secretary of state.' / Doyle: 'You offered it to everybody in town.'

Selina:'Your head is so far up Montez's ass. Next time it's Alejandro's birthday, he's gonna come all over your face.'

News Anchor:News anchor narrating: 'President Meyer taking a moment to catch up with her vice president and longtime political ally Andrew Doyle. Those two have a very special relationship.'

Tom James:Tom James on Montez's speech: 'I had no idea her tits were that big.'

Tom James:'Well, I've always dreamed of living in a small town, having a little place on Main Street, hanging a shingle out front, and running my own little multibillion-dollar hedge fund. Back to basics.'

Staff Member · Selina:Staff member compliments Selina on her 'nice shoes.' Selina: 'Oh, come on, man.'

Selina · Ben:Selina: 'Well, I'm not good with good-byes.' / Ben: 'Or winning presidential elections.' / Selina: 'Well, that's not true.' / Ben: 'Yeah, it is.' / Selina: 'Okay.'

Selina · Gary:Selina's goodbye speech to staff: 'Um... I don't know what to say.' Gary: 'Was I supposed to write something, ma'am? Nobody told me.'

Mike · Selina:Mike: 'Uh, well, we gave America everything we had.' / Selina: 'Yeah, sure did.' / Mike: 'Inspiring words, ma'am. Godspeed.'

Unknown · Selina:'Gosh, from a distance, it looks really beautiful.' / 'Yeah, from a distance.'

Amy · Unknown:'Can I borrow somebody's phone? I have to check on Buddy.' / 'Oh, did you get a dog?'

Pilot · Selina:Plane engine fails immediately after takeoff. 'Small problem with one of the engines, Madam President. We're gonna have to take her back down.'

Ben:'Hell of a time to run out of gas.'

Selina · Crew:After the plane fails and they must walk back, Selina: 'What am I walking on?' Crew: 'Grass, ma'am.'

Pilot · Selina:'If you could just step away from the aircraft for a bit, we'll call you a motorcade.' / 'Oh, my God. What am I walking on?' / 'Grass, ma'am.'

Catherine · Selina:Catherine: 'Are you sure you don't know where the hard drive of my film is?' while her mother stands on an airfield having just been removed from a malfunctioning presidential aircraft.

Selina:Selina walking back toward the White House while the inauguration parade passes — she appears to watch Montez's motorcade roll by.

Selina:'Maybe it'll ruin her parade.'

Dan:Dan gets a job offer from a TV network, gets another offer from CBS News, and tells both people he's chosen CBS — 'Egan out.' Then immediately confirms CBS means Columbia Broadcasting.

Doctor · Jonah:Doctor to Jonah: 'You have a lump on your left testicle. I just want to biopsy it and we can take it from there.' / 'Take what from where?'

Doctor · Jonah:Doctor: 'I'm married. I have the ring hiding under the gloves.' (responding to Jonah's inauguration ball invitation)

Doctor · Jonah:'Early detection would have prevented this. We really encourage regular self-exams.' / 'Yeah, I know.'

Unknown Aide · Selina:'Selina, good news. We found the missing Nevada ballots. You won.'