Catherine and Marjorie have a fight. Mike prepares for his babies. Selina is interviewed.
Political chaos spirals into 57 jokes in 45 minutes—Veep's densest episode yet.
Directed by David Mandel · Written by Erik Kenward
WAR
166.5
Wins Above Replacement
“Kissing Your Sister” ranks #19 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 94.8 — Elite. The episode packs 111 scored jokes at 3.1 per minute, averaging 7.6 on craft and 7.4 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Bill Ericsson: Oh, you know what the cardboard sign says? It says, 'I'm so sorry, Bill Ericsson.'
Catherine (voiceover) · Selina: My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister. Yeah, well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest.
Selina: Please, God, deliver Jonah to Congress and then give him any kind of cancer. I don't care.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Catherine · Selina: No, when Rosa had to take care of me because you went to a mental hospital. / No, darling, I didn't go to a mental hospital. I went to a spa.
Catherine Selina Escalation Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Furlong · Will: It's looking tighter than Will's own butthole when he's got his finger jammed up there watching 'Bad News Bears' while he jerks off. / How tight is that, Will? / It's very tight, sir.
Furlong Will Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch All Jokes — 111 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Selina's team member (likely Ben or Kent): Alabama first in the alphabet, last in every other fucking thing.
Staff member: I believe it's number one in easiest state to get away with murdering a black guy.
Selina: Ooh, bam-a-lama ding dong!
Selina Character Comedy Reaction Beat Catherine: While the public will always remember me as the little girl who fell off the stage twice in one evening...
Catherine Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Catherine (voiceover) · Selina: My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister. Yeah, well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest.
Selina: It was 1973... Mother wasn't 'feeling well.' Daddy asked me to be his date for President Nixon's inaugural ball.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina (quoting her father): You know, a lot of people don't like Nixon, but by God, they respect him. And that's you, peanut.
Selina: I don't want to jinx things, guys, but I think maybe we should start making our list of who I'm going to punish when I win.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Jonah: I went home with a congressional fan girl last night... She's got a fucking parrot, and if the parrot wakes up, the parrot's gonna make noise and wake up her mom.
Jonah Character Comedy Escalation Jonah · Richard: Bring me a change of clothes and come and get me... Well, it's a really intuitive feature. Do you have iOS 9.2.3? Shut up.
Tom James: Playing catcher is kind of like being the economy czar. There's not a lot of glory, but a lot of squatting. A lot of asses in your face.
Tom James Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Observational Dan: Knock, knock, future calling. Cheese, please, Louise.
Dan Character Comedy Absurdist Dan: Oh, yeah, like one of those movies for people who like to be sad.
Dan Observational Deadpan/Understatement Bill Ericsson: You know, at night when I dare to close my eyes, I dream about your mother losing and then coming upon her holding a cardboard sign at the bottom of a highway exit ramp.
Bill Ericsson: Oh, you know what the cardboard sign says? It says, 'I'm so sorry, Bill Ericsson.'
Bill Ericsson: Now, if I were Tom James, I would just try to get three states to abstain and then it would go to the Senate, serving the president the most abject humiliation in the history of the United States.
Selina: When you have those kinds of negative feelings, you just pick them up and you stuff them in your box and you close it down tight and you take that box and you shove it way back here in your... in the corner of your head and swallow that key.
Selina Character Comedy Absurdist Gary: That's called hot in the pot... It's got chamomile and rose hips and some other little special ingredients that I'm not gonna tell you on camera.
Gary Character Comedy Absurdist Catherine · Gary: Um, my question was what's your take on the financial crisis. Oh. I just think they ran out of money. They should probably just print more. I don't know why it's been such a big issue.
Selina (or senior staffer): Yeah, right after the inauguration, we'll show Mr. McShittock the door.
Mike: Hey. Hi. I love my job. Oh, my God, I want to do it forever.
Mike Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Callback Dan: We're in the process of converting the guest bedroom into a nursery for our arriving Chinese angel... It's made in China so Ellen will feel right at home.
Dan Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm Dan: So much cheaper. And we've checked the room for lead, so there's... actually, I need... I'm supposed to check... I have to get a guy to check the room for lead, but we will check for lead.
Dan Character Comedy Escalation Dan: Even though, and I quote, 'the fact that I'm a woman means we will no longer have any women presidents because we've already tried one and she fucking sucked.'
Dan Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Dan: Well, I'll give you this... Candi Caruso would not eat this amount of shit. Unless afterward she went into a bathroom stall and used the old two-fingered wood chipper.
Dan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Dan: Why would I want to stand next to a twig like that all day when I can stand next to you?
Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: They called me Selina Vanderbilt as if the Vanderbilts had any money left.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Catherine · Selina: Wait, is that when you had your nervous breakdown? / No, no, I did not... no, I went to a spa, sweetie.
Catherine · Selina: No, when Rosa had to take care of me because you went to a mental hospital. / No, darling, I didn't go to a mental hospital. I went to a spa.
Catherine Selina Escalation Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Is this how this is all going to be in your movie?
Selina Reaction Beat Character Comedy Jonah: I couldn't find my clothes. I had to get this out of her dad's closet. She already told me she was a senior at Georgetown. Turns out she meant Georgetown Day School. She's on the math team.
Jonah Character Comedy Escalation Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: You listen to me, all right? You are already dead. What you do now you do for your family.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina: Is my entire presidency about to have its neck snapped by Congressman Lennie here?
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Tom James: It's like the best episode of 'Falcon Crest' ever.
Mee-Maw (Selina's mother): I do hope you'll wait till your hair grows to have your portrait painted.
Mee-Maw: She looks like a boy.
Mee-Maw Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Selina · aide/visitor: It doesn't seem that deep. Look. Oh, yeah, that's not that deep. Excuse me, should this be deeper?
Catherine: Have you ever lost a grandparent? All my grandparents are dead. Wait. Um, no. One or two might still be alive.
Catherine Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Furlong: Good to be back in good old DC, away from the greed, the money, and the hookers.
Furlong Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Furlong: Jesus fucking Christ. You got to tell your sister to stop calling me.
Furlong Character Comedy Misdirection Amy · Catherine: Actually, I'm the one that's supposed to say cut. No, no, no, I'm saying it because we're starting that over. Ready? Action.
Dan: It actually cost the same as the kid, so it works out.
Dan Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Dan: I can't wait for Wendy to see it. She is gonna... possibly like it.
Dan Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Catherine · Secret Service agent: Have you ever killed a man? / Can't say.
Catherine · Secret Service agent: Everybody else that I've interviewed just talks about themselves all the time... Um, would you like to have dinner with me sometime?
Secret Service agent · Catherine: I should say that... you know that I'm not gay? / Really? Yeah. Well, I... I didn't mean that to come across... / No, it didn't. You know, it's just I assumed just because, you know, the way you dress and stare at me.
Jonah: How am I doing? Eating so much pussy I'm shitting clit, son.
Jonah Character Comedy Dark/Subversive School staff member: This is an elementary school! Watch your spewing mouth, you animal!
Jonah: That is assault. You are witnesses. This is assault! Right now, get out.
Jonah Character Comedy Escalation Jonah: Hello there. I'm Jonah Ryan. Ah, fuck. Mothercunt. Piece of shit. Fuck you. Fuck you. Ah, fuck. Careful. Careful. Careful.
Jonah Physical/Slapstick Character Comedy Jonah: Why am I even chopping the fucking wood? It's the 21st century. We don't even use this shit anymore.
Jonah Character Comedy Observational Richard: I hitched my wagon to a shooting star named Jonah Ryan. Well, maybe I should say comet because shooting stars burn out and he never will.
Richard Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Richard: The only downside is that I'll probably have to miss my Gilbert & Sullivan Society annual show. You know, operetta is my passion.
Richard Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Richard: Richard sings: ♪ If you want to know who we are, we are gentlemen of Japan... ♪
Richard Character Comedy Visual Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Selina/staffer · Richard: Jesus, Richard, please drive faster... Jesus Christ, Richard! You could have killed me. Can't you do two simple things at once? / I just thank God I didn't hit those schoolchildren.
Richard · staffer · Jonah: Well, actually, the car won't start. / Maybe call an Uber. / We can't call an Uber. I've been banned for life because I have a low rating.
Kent: Stalemate his endgame. Shades of Karpov versus Kasparov.
Kent Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Jonah: Motherfucker! They're taking a Lyft now?
Jonah Character Comedy Callback Callback Jonah: Stop. You big lesbo.
Jonah Character Comedy Reaction Beat Marjorie: Is it weird going hallway to hallway with your mom's twin?
Marjorie Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Gary: God, I have no idea. What else am I gonna do? Go out and see the world? I don't even like looking out my window, so...
Gary Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Ben: Joyce, she took care of me after my third heart attack. My second wife was a nurse as well. I guess I have a thing for nurses, huh?
Ben Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Ben's wife Joyce: These Precious Moments figurines are a very good investment.
Gary: Hi, yeah, I'm trying to reach Charlie Baird. This is a friend of his, Gary Walsh. Oh, what's the... what is this concerning? Um, hanging out?
Gary Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Ben: These are my compatriots. We are a historically Spanish-speaking motorcycle club which has been under a great deal of unfair legal scrutiny lately.
Ben Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Absurdist ★ Rewatch Selina (or aide): Get the Hunchback of Notre Hampshire down to the floor.
Richard: Well, we've reached a little bit of a kerfuffle. I'd say even more of a kerfuffle. Like a snafu approaching quagmire.
Richard Character Comedy Escalation Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Amy: Yeah, that's the least reassuring sentence I've heard since 'It's okay, it's just the tip.'
Amy Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Furlong · Will: It's looking tighter than Will's own butthole when he's got his finger jammed up there watching 'Bad News Bears' while he jerks off. / How tight is that, Will? / It's very tight, sir.
Furlong Will Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Will Reaction Beat Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Furlong: Yeah, but I wouldn't take down the tampon dispenser in the Oval Office bathroom just yet.
Furlong Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Mike · staffer: I was just checking to see if there was another meeting about me. / Not today. / Okay.
Mike staffer Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: I'm sure he's an inspiration to other slow adults, but it's enough already with Mike.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm Selina · Tom James: Okay, how stupid are you, you motherfucking snake? / Fuck. / All right, I wanted to fuck you! / That's right! / And now you're trying to fuck me again tonight. / No, I am fucking you tonight! / No, I'm gonna fuck you!
Gary: Whether we're in the White House or we're antiquing in Charleston or we're on the pink, sandy beaches of Barbuda...
Gary Character Comedy Observational Catherine · unnamed aide/secretary of state candidate: What about Congressman Graves? I thought that he was doing it. / No. Um... did I tell you I have a photograph of my father?
Selina: He's 18 feet tall. How could he have gone missing?
Selina Character Comedy Observational Secret Service agent: This is Catherine Meyer, my, uh, work friend.
Selina · Catherine: I trust the American people to make the right decision... What if you think they're gonna make a certain decision and they make a different decision and then it completely derails what you thought was gonna happen? And then your plans are different. Oh, honey, don't cry. Mommy's gonna get elected, honey.
Catherine · Selina: Marjorie and I broke up. / Oh. Oh. That's terrible. / Do you need a tissue? / No, I'm fine. / Yeah, no, you do.
Selina: Oh, you look terrible! You look terrible.
Selina Character Comedy Reaction Beat ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Marjorie is insufferable, okay? There are other... there are other fish in the sapphic sea, babe. I mean, seriously, there are more lesbians in the Secret Service, even.
Selina Character Comedy Observational Selina: Legacy is not something that I can be concerned with. I'm laser-focused on doing the best possible job I can... as president... Catherine. Not everybody gets to just walk into the Oval.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Reaction Beat Mike · Selina/interviewer: Ma'am, here are the talking points for this afternoon. / Oh, no. Sorry. Wrong ones. I'll be back. / See you at poker on Wednesday.
Selina · aide: So you didn't tell him that I'm taking his job yet? / No, that'll be your first press release.
Dan: Now that there will be three babies on the way, we decided to move the kiddos upstairs to the master and this will be the new love palace. She gets the dresser and I'll hang those in the... I don't know where. The lead, still a problem.
Dan Character Comedy Callback Running Gag Callback Vote announcer · Selina: Vermont abstains from the vote. / Oh, God. / That's three abstentions. Sorry, ma'am.
Selina: Get that clowntard Jonah on the phone right now.
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Amy: Tom's first term won't count because technically he'll be an elevated vice president. But I sound like Kent, so...
Amy Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential Selina: My God, in 12 years, I'm gonna be a shriveled-up can of ass.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Observational ★ Rewatch Selina: My political window just slams shut the second I can't wear sleeveless dresses.
Selina Character Comedy Observational ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Please, God, deliver Jonah to Congress and then give him any kind of cancer. I don't care.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jonah · Catherine · Marjorie: New Hampshire... proudly casts its vote for President Selina Meyer. I love you. I love you, too.
Jonah · Marjorie · Catherine: Marjorie and Jonah's vote happen simultaneously — Marjorie reconciles with Catherine at the exact moment Jonah votes for Meyer, and the vote is declared for Meyer before being immediately reversed.
Jonah: I'm sorry, I would like to change my vote. I voted for the wrong person. I would like to change my vote, thank you. Where is everyone going? The gentleman from New Hampshire puts forth onto the floor a do-over, thank you.
Jonah Character Comedy Absurdist ★ Rewatch Selina: Teddy Roosevelt lost. John Adams lost. Winston Churchill lost. So plenty of presidents have lost and gone on to do great, great things.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Misdirection ★ Rewatch Selina: Are we done, sweetie? / I can't fucking lose this thing.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm aide · Selina: Madam President, I am so sorry. / We're just coming through. / Oh, no, it's fine. Everybody come on in. Come on in. Welcome, welcome. Welcome.
aide Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Reaction Beat Selina: Oh, you're clutching your bag like I'm gonna steal it.
Selina Character Comedy Observational Catherine: Some say a tie is like kissing your sister. But it took an electoral college tie for me to get to kiss the sister I never knew I had.
Catherine Callback Character Comedy Meta/Self-Referential ★ Rewatch Callback Various characters · Amy: [Documentary-style montage of characters describing Amy] She likes to hear herself talk. / Tense. / Shrill. / Shrill. / Shrill. / Did they say shrill?
Catherine · various: How would you describe Gary Walsh? / A kind person. / Truck stop glory hole. / Can do a handstand still.
Various: What do you think of Dan Egan? / Douchebag. / The other side of the glory hole.
Various Character Comedy Callback Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Callback Various: Mike is an idiot. It's amazing he got a driver's license. One of the most extraordinarily incoherent people I've ever met in my life. Sometimes, like, in a futuristic... like a sci-fi movie, you'll see, like, a robot that's like the old version of the robot and you kind of feel bad.
Various Character Comedy Absurdist Observational ★ Rewatch Various: Mike is an idiot. It's amazing he got a driver's license. One of the most extraordinarily incoherent people I've ever met in my life.
Various Character Comedy Running Gag Callback Unknown: Sometimes, like, in a futuristic... like a sci-fi movie, you'll see, like, a robot that's like the old version of the robot and you kind of feel bad.
Someone: Jonah Ryan is the congressman that the people of New Hampshire deserve.
Someone Deadpan/Understatement Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Catherine · Selina (implied): Do you think you had a crowning achievement as vice president? / Well, I became president. / Can we call that an achievement?
Catherine · unknown interviewee: Did you vote for Mom? If I would have voted, it would have certainly been for your mother.
Various: Where do you see yourself in 20 years? / White House. / I'd say the Galapagos Islands. / Just be president. / I have it penciled in 2036. Gonna go there. / Just the seat of power. / I bought two tickets. I don't know who the other is gonna be, but I'm assuming by then I'll be coupled up.
Various Character Comedy Absurdist Escalation ★ Rewatch Selina (implied): Let me ask you a question. What's the best lesbian porn site?