Selina takes Catherine to a family pre-Christmas celebration at Camp David, where her team also plans to conduct secret negotiations. After a disastrous debate in New Hampshire, Amy and Dan try to make Jonah seem more human.
Political dysfunction peaks at Camp David with 71 jokes in relentless cringe-comedy mode.
Directed by Becky Martin · Written by Rachel Axler
WAR
171.2
Wins Above Replacement
“Camp David” ranks #15 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 96.1 — Elite. The episode packs 106 scored jokes at 3.1 per minute, averaging 7.7 on craft and 7.5 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Jonah: Jimmy O'Connor, I've been waiting 20 years to say this to you... I think that you are the spaz.
Jonah Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Chinese translator / official: Thank you for this rock.
Dan · Jeff: Jesus, those are your pajamas? / It's the outfit I picture when I'm trying not to come.
Dan Jeff Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: Oh, H.R. Fucknstuf, Jonah won the election?
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Chinese official · Selina · Ben: This is a depiction of the most popular children's cartoon character in China, Sad Piglet. / It looks just like my daughter Catherine. / Your daughter is a beautiful woman and this is a piglet. / It's upset.
All Jokes — 106 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Selina: Which one of you Johnny Appledick shit for brains came up with that bit?
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Amy: He looked like Ike Turner handing Tina a snack.
Amy Dark/Subversive Observational ★ Rewatch Selina: Do you realize that you just handed O'Brien New Hampshire chained to a radiator with its twat shaved?
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Jonah: No, I don't interact well with hag-ass old bitches.
Jonah Character Comedy Escalation Catherine: Well, then why is Gary here? I mean, no offense.
Catherine Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina · Gary: Gary's family, too. / Oh, thank you.
Selina: Oh, I'm excited to get to know fun Marjorie, too. When is she arriving?
Selina Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina: I'm just kidding. I'm just teasing.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Callback Selina: So you're gonna have to keep Charles Ponzi and pussyride away from me.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: You do know you're not really a member of my family, right?
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Callback Monica · Gary: Popcornaments! / Someone's been reading my blog. / I just trademarked the word last week.
Selina: It sounds delicious and it's adorable. So I'm gonna call it delorable. See? We can all do it.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Oh, so that's two things she's turned you into.
Selina Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina · Catherine · Marjorie: But it tastes like a ham? / Yeah, it's close. / Not at all.
Andrew · Marjorie: I'm terribly sorry, Marjorie. I thought you were Selina. / That's okay, sir. People make that mistake constantly.
Selina: How about you touch neither of us?
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Catherine: Well, it's just that there's so much of it that it's really tough to know what to do with it.
Andrew · Catherine: Actually, Lee, right now is a fantastic time to sell. And, Catherine, do you remember that Brazil hotel chain? I told them about your veganism and they decided to convert the whole thing to an eco resort. / No, they didn't. / I have a prospectus in my briefcase.
Marjorie: Ma'am, your daughter's dazzling eyes can start a fire themselves.
Marjorie Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Selina: Okay, well, that's terrifying, but I actually do think we need to get some wood from outside.
Selina Reaction Beat Deadpan/Understatement Ben: Presumably driving slowly and not using their signals.
Ben Dark/Subversive Deadpan/Understatement Selina · Ben: What do you got going there, Depravey Crockett? / You can't go in with a plan. The knife tells you.
Selina Ben Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Selina: How is it that that Asperger salad inserted herself into this situation?
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina: No, I'll tell you what he likes. Nordic beav. Irresistible. Ooh!
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Minna: Hello. I have not seen you since you failed to vote for me to be head of the IMF. And, oh, you changed your hair.
Minna Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Minna · Selina: Thank you, yes. I have more highlights. / And you changed your eyelids. You had oculoplasty. / Um... / You look more alert.
Minna Selina Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Selina reacts to 'You had oculoplasty' with a frozen smile and non-answer [reaction beat]
Selina Reaction Beat Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Amy: Yeah, back to the natural habitat your nitwit mother found you in, you fucking shaved Sasquatch.
Amy Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Dan: Hey, Slick. What's Blondie's situation? Does she choke for Coke?
Dan Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Minna · Selina: It's been a very hard year. The menopause has really taken a hold of me. / Is that so? Yeah. / Yes. You know... you're menopausal.
Selina · Minna: No, I'm not. / Well... / No? / What? / No, you are. / No, you're older than me, so I... / No, I am actually two years younger. / Oh, I still have regular periods, but my joints, they're very swollen.
Selina Minna Cringe/Discomfort Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Catherine · Selina: The pen gift reveal — Catherine gives Selina a historic pen from the Second Hague Convention, meant for signing peace treaties when officially elected.
Selina: Amex gave me this crazy new card that's made out of black metal.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Gary: It truly shows the special mommy-daughter bond that you and I share.
Gary Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Lee (Andrew) · Catherine: It's a first edition Gertrude Stein. That's Marjorie's favorite poet. / How did you know that, Dad? / I listen.
Andrew · Selina: I noticed two golf carts filled with Asian people. / That's the kitchen crew and the chef. / They wear really nice suits.
Gary · Selina: Gary providing spy-briefing style personal intel on each Chinese official during formal introductions — 'He collects art. His son is a freshman at Georgetown. His favorite snack is freeze-dried strawberries.'
Selina: Thank you. I didn't get any of that except strawberries.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Callback Chinese official · Selina · Ben: This is a depiction of the most popular children's cartoon character in China, Sad Piglet. / It looks just like my daughter Catherine. / Your daughter is a beautiful woman and this is a piglet. / It's upset.
Selina: Believe me, if you say SeaWorld to Catherine you will understand what I'm talking about.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Gary: The gift exchange escalation — geode, wine from Napa, wine from New Zealand ('local to us and also close to Asia, which makes it local to you as we are all local friends')
Chinese translator / official: Thank you for this rock.
Selina: This additional wine, also from a local vineyard in, uh, New Zealand, which is local to us and it's also close to Asia, which makes it local to you as we are all local friends.
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Callback Selina · Gary: The Hague pen re-gift — Selina presents Catherine's historic pen as the 'final gift' to the Chinese, having stolen it from Catherine's Christmas present.
Selina Gary Callback Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Translator · Selina: And now they are discussing how casually you are dressed. / They say you look like a prisoner or a pirate.
Selina: Why did Menopause not warn us that the Chinese were going to out gift us like that?
Selina Character Comedy Callback ★ Rewatch Callback Ben: Our intel suggested they hated you.
Ben Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Selina · Dan/Amy: Oh, my God. What did he do this time? / No, he literally shot himself in the foot. We're in the ER.
Selina · Ben: Oh my God. [sees it on TV] / It's not funny, Ben. / I know, it's terrible. / A little bit of blood.
Jeff (Jonah's uncle/manager): Jonah shot himself in the eye with a rubber band in second grade. I tell him now what I told him then... guns can be dangerous.
Selina · Dan/Amy: So lay it on me. How bad is it? / It's a complicated fracture. Shattered some bone. They say it's gonna take... / No, not for him, for me.
President Lu's aide · Selina · Ben: Camp David is where President Eisenhower came to recover after his heart attack. / Yeah. / Is he okay? / President Eis... he's pass... he's dead. He's long gone.
Ben: This path was originally used by F.D.R. for his morning strolls. Or rolls, I should say.
Ben Dark/Subversive Wordplay/Pun Ben · Selina: Can I bum a piece of gum? / Uh, may I chew gum with you?
Selina: Gracias. / Sorry, no, no. Wrong language.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Selina: Well, we need to work together to better engage with North Korea because the North Koreans are people like us. / [beat] / Except without any food.
Selina Dark/Subversive Setup/Punchline Catherine · Selina: Catherine appearing mid-walk: 'Hi Mom! Oh, I'm so happy to see you. / [immediately: raw vegan lecture to Lu's entourage]'
Selina: My family is here as a cover story.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Dark/Subversive Selina: Can you translate 'we need to get a new translator'?
Selina Meta/Self-Referential Character Comedy Selina · Gary · Marjorie: The cashmere gift reveal — Selina gives Marjorie the gift she claims was 'stuck in security,' but it's clearly government-issue cashmere that 'feels like it was woven out of Catherine's silken hair.'
Dan · Jeff: Jesus, those are your pajamas? / It's the outfit I picture when I'm trying not to come.
Dan Jeff Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: It's the NRA. / It's a Christmas miracle.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Dark/Subversive Kent: Ma'am, I don't even use the colloquial phrase 'I guess.'
Kent Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina: Then why is my wonton soup so cold every time they deliver it?
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina · Minna: Kuwait emergency fabrication: 'It's in Kuwait' / 'Because Amir Al-Khabat and myself, we follow each other on Instagram. Only five minutes ago, he posted a picture of his dinner salad.' / 'Ah, well, it happened right after he had that salad, in fact. Sort of an intermezzo emergency.'
Minna · Selina: The Diaoyu Islands demand — 'How do I put this delicately? The Chinese were very disturbed by a recent incident. With your daughter.'
Selina · Minna: That was a complete honest mistake. Catherine was just confused. / But you are her mother. You did not stop her. / How could I have stopped her? I had to let her finish. / You're a mother. You've got a son. I'm sure you've done it before. / No, I have not. / This happens occasionally in Iceland, but there it's just an accident.
Selina · Ben: God, this was their real demand from the beginning. I mean, those islands didn't come out of nowhere. / Actually, they did. The Chinese created islands by piling sediment from under the sea...
Selina Ben Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Minna · Selina: But what you're gonna need to do is let him get a word in. / Okay, well, you know what? This reminds me of negotiations between India and Bhutan. / Okay, this is what I'm talking about.
Selina: Oh, no. [discovering it was nicotine gum she's been chewing]
Selina Setup/Punchline Physical/Slapstick ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Ben: The walkout scene: 'Well, that is unacceptable.' / 'Unacceptable!' (Ben) / 'She never does this.' (Ben) / 'I mean, I will storm out. Here I go.' / 'No way. It's unacceptable!' / 'This is not happening.' / 'In all honesty, she's never done this.'
Selina · Ben: No way. It's unacceptable! This is not happening. In all honesty, she's never done this.
Andrew · Catherine: Andrew's Brazil eco-resort pitch continues: 'But aren't you cutting down the rain forest in order to build the resort? / So we can conserve the rest. It's a virtuous cycle. / Well, I guess that makes sense.'
Selina · Catherine: I mean, Daddy loves you, sweetheart, but he's a crook. / I know.
Minna · Selina · Catherine: Catherine's pen outrage scene — 'Your mother has given an amazing pen to the Chinese leaders.' / 'She knows... she knows about that pen.' / 'You are so terrible.'
Selina · Minna: Even labor and delivery with her was a nightmare. / Oh, yes? Why is that? / You have a very narrow vagina? / Well, tight. In the States we say tight.
Selina Minna Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Minna · Selina: The Chinese economy is in a worse state than anyone realized. / These sanctions, they are really crippling them. / And Chi-Jang, he is a proud, stubborn man. Like a Chinese Mr. Darcy. / But stupid also, like a Chinese Mr. Bingley. / I love 'Mary Poppins.'
Minna Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina · Gary: That's it. / Bono's gonna shit his sunglasses. / That is like some man on the moon legacy shit.
Gary · Minna: My God, Selina Meyer, the woman who freed Tibet. / Not... no, really, not free.
Selina · Kent · Minna: What about the factories in Ohio? / Jonah's ahead in all the latest polls. / Fuck those factories, man. I'm freeing Tibet. / Really, not freeing.
Selina · Minna: Well, they should have tried going to college. / Worry about your own unemployment in Finland. / We don't have unemployment in Finland.
Selina: I'm gonna win a Nobel fucking Peace Prize, you guys. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!
Selina Character Comedy Escalation Selina · Gary: I'm gonna win a Nobel fucking Peace Prize, you guys. / Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! / Oh, sorry. Are you all right?
Dan: Twins? Oh, my God. / Oh, no, I'm twice as happy now.
Dan Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Jonah · Jeff · Selina: Jonah voting: 'Who should I vote for, huh? Pow, pow. Who should I vote for? You can't teach that.' / 'I hope he votes for himself.' / 'I'm sorry. I need another ballot. I just need another ballot. Pow, pow.'
Jeff: Hmm, who should I vote for, huh? Pow, pow. Who should I vote for? You can't teach that.
Jeff Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Selina · Catherine: I want to tell you something, but it's very confidential, okay? Mommy is going to free Tibet. / I don't care.
Selina: Catherine, come on, honey, remember when you were little and you had that 'Free Tibet' sticker and you put it up on the wall and we couldn't get it off, remember, because you put it on wallpaper inexplicably.
Selina Character Comedy Misdirection President Lu (via translator) · Selina: There will be no statement. These are very delicate issues and cannot be rushed. / Oh, yes, of course. I understand that completely. / Although, perhaps when things are as significant as Tibet, things are accidently leaked to the press so that the world may know of our accomplishments.
President Lu (via translator) · Selina: It would be very unfortunate if it also leaked that you lied to your country about our hacking of your tweets. / That is ridiculous. / We have your emails to prove it.
Chinese official · McLintock (presumably an aide): Mr. McLintock? / Mm-hmm. / Good news. Your adoption paper has been approved. You and your wife soon will have a Chinese baby. / Congratulations.
Selina: Oh, H.R. Fucknstuf, Jonah won the election?
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Kent: But still counts as a sign of the apocalypse.
Kent Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Selina · Jonah: Congressman Ryan. / Hello, Madam President. / Or should I call you colleague now? / I wouldn't.
Jonah · Selina: Ma'am, while I have you on the phone, New Hampshire is struggling with an epidemic of opiate addict... / Yeah, I'm not gonna...
Jeff: I can elect anyone in New Hampshire. I can elect a Muslim AIDS virus. A terrorist fucking AIDS virus in the tiniest suicide vest ever made, I could make it governor of New Hampshire.
Jeff Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Escalation ★ Rewatch Jeff: I can elect anyone in New Hampshire. I can elect a Muslim AIDS virus. A terrorist fucking AIDS virus in the tiniest suicide vest ever made, I could make it governor of New Hampshire.
Jeff Character Comedy Escalation Selina (reaction/realization) · Jonah (victory speech): We just elected Jonah to Congress. / Looking around, I see so many familiar faces of people that supported me and believed in me. And I see a few that didn't. Like Jessica Thompson. Hey, Jessica. Jessica, I see you there. Yeah, it's been a long time since high school.
Jonah: I like what you did with your hair. Do you like what I did with my life?
Jonah Character Comedy Setup/Punchline ★ Rewatch Jonah: I think that you are the spaz.
Jonah Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Jonah: Jimmy O'Connor, I've been waiting 20 years to say this to you... I think that you are the spaz.
Jonah Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Jonah: Through it all, there was one person who truly believed in Jonah Ryan and that was Jonah Ryan. This is my dream, that you can believe in yourself so hard that you eventually become a congressman.
Jonah Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Jonah: This is my dream, that you can believe in yourself so hard that you eventually become a congressman.
Jonah Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Catherine · Selina · Gary: And I'm turning it into a sanctuary for rescued farm animals. / What? / Rescued farm animals. / Yeah, I heard her. / I think it's inspiring, ma'am.
Selina: You're taking my daddy's house and turning it into some Club Med for goats?
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Catherine · Marjorie · Gary · Selina: Well, it won't be just goats. I mean, there's so much property that we were talking about all different kinds of animals. I mean, you could have ducks or... / Lame horses. / Pigs. / Potbellied pigs. / Emus. / Oh. / And we could have horses as well. / Okay. / We could have peacocks, too. / Can you do llamas? / Oh, yeah, we could have llamas. / Llamas. / Maybe a three-legged goat.