At the White House Christmas party, Selina bargains for votes in hopes of breaking the election tie. Meanwhile, the staff is preoccupied with the annual '50 Hottest D.C. Staffers' list; Mike eyes a job outside politics; and Dan helps Jonah with debate prep in New Hampshire.
Cringe escalation sustains 79 jokes across a single congressional event with relentless character chaos.
Directed by Maurice Marable · Written by Billy Kimball
WAR
159.3
Wins Above Replacement
“Congressional Ball” ranks #50 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 91.9 — Elite. The episode packs 115 scored jokes at 2.9 per minute, averaging 7.5 on craft and 7.3 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
Selina: And then I'm gonna have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is more cancer.
Selina Dark/Subversive Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: So can I count on your vote? Or do I need to shove a box of White House M&Ms up your stretched-out, six-baby vag?
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: ...she says, 'Nyet, after much prayerful consideration, I have to abstain from the upcoming blowjob.' Are you Nadia in this situation?
Selina Escalation Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Oh, keep dancing, Tom. Don't stop dancing. Don't look around. Nobody's gonna help you.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Nickerson: I think I want to hear an okey-dokey, Annie Oakley. Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley. Oh, super-duper, trooper. Now get the fuck out of here, Congresswoman.
All Jokes — 115 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ Selina: Would you like to keep the mugs for your... minivan?
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: I mean, my license expired a few years ago, but I get the general idea.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Nickerson: Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley. Bless your pea-picking heart.
Nickerson Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Nickerson · Selina: My Donald. He has chemo today. (GASPS) Fantastic.
Political Opponent Speaker: Let me tell you something else about Selina Meyer, our commander-in-thief. Check out the tits in the third row. I could dribble those things like basketballs.
Jonah: My name is Jonah Ryan and I... CROWD: Won't back down!
Jonah Character Comedy Absurdist Mike: Jim, if our nation's enemies decide to drop the puck on hostilities, then our navy and our allies will be very glad we have the military capabilities we need.
Mike Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Mike: Oh, I just heard the buzzer. That is the end of the third period. See you at the next face-off.
Mike Character Comedy Running Gag Misdirection ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Well, I suppose putting a few pictures up of Muhammad never hurt anyone.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: She's a lesbian, Mike. She's not a werewolf. Although either one would explain why she never shaves her legs.
Selina Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Selina: When does the White House's most useless press secretary list come out? I can't wait to see who's number one this year.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Amy: Every year it means a month of horny Senate aides looking down my blouse.
Amy Observational Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Kent: Also, their methodology is unsound.
Kent Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Dan: I don't think you're in it this year, Ame. There you go, Amy. Problem solved.
Dan Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Selina: Who's 22? The Elephant Man?
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Callback Gary: Rose hip tea, okay? Or I'm gonna 86 you.
Gary Character Comedy Reaction Beat Dan: The emails from Tom Petty's lawyers keep on getting angrier and angrier.
Dan Running Gag Character Comedy Absurdist Callback Jonah · Dan: How am I not on 'The Hill's' 50 Hottest Staffers list this year? This year? It's the 50 Hottest Staffers, Jonah, not the 50 people most likely to kill themselves before trial.
Jonah Dan Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Jonah: I am on a career rocket ship to Mars right now, Dan, except I'm gonna leave Matt Damon there because the guy made potatoes in his own shit like a fucking animal.
Jonah Absurdist Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dan: The whole point of the 50 Hottest is not to be on it. It's to use it to learn who to fuck. Find a woman who was on it last year, but not this year. I mean, that's like a 'make her pay for dinner' situation.
Dan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Observational Dan: If you don't look like someone melted Play-Doh all over a flagpole, it does.
Dan Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dan: Yeah. Fucking Gary's number 21? What? Well, that just makes a mockery of the very idea of hot rankings.
Dan Running Gag Character Comedy Callback Selina: Well, it makes sense. He's got beautiful eyes.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Roger: ...squirt a half gallon of ropey jism into their modeled congressional cornholes.
Roger Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Tom James: No, Roger took my thing about ropey jism.
Tom James Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Gary: Dirty. Just dirty and shady. Door. Door.
Selina · Gary: But what could O'Brien offer him that's better than the vice presidency? [beat] Literally anything.
Selina: Oh! Tom wanted Secretary of the Treasury. I said no. Ah, fuck!
Selina Character Comedy Escalation Tom James · Selina: Yes? [I was just checking to see if there was another meeting about me.] Not today.
Jonah: Well, as the late, great Lionel Richie once said, 'Oh, what a feeling, I am dancing on the debt ceiling.'
Jonah Character Comedy Absurdist Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Dan: OKAY, A: Lionel Richie is not dead, AND B: what the fuck does that even mean?
Dan Reaction Beat Character Comedy Callback Jonah · Dan: New Hampshire loves my zingers. It's my personality that has gotten us this far. No, I am the one who got us this far, you sentient enema.
Jonah Dan Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Dan: Mother Mary dry humping a pillow. That is what I call natural talent.
Dan Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Richard: I'd have to agree with Mrs. Sherman here on fiscal responsibility. In fact, teacher, allow me to present you with this apple.
Jonah: Feel my dick. I am rock-hard for you right now, mister. You think I'm kidding. Feel it.
Jonah Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Dan: Granted, every town up here is just two dirty piles of snow connected by a covered bridge, but Jesus Christ, Jonah, you grew up here. How do you not know this shit?
Dan Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Observational Jonah: I don't know. Maybe I was supposed to learn it in the second grade, but my teacher was a fucking bitch.
Jonah Character Comedy Absurdist Dan · Richard: Richard, who do we have tracking the widow? Nobody. Then go out there and buy a camera and videotape everything she does. Do you want 4k or 1080p? Just buy any fucking camera.
Dan: If you were like 10% less black, I could make you president.
Dan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Selina: No. No. No. That's... get it out. We talked about this. The wife of Congressman Platt designed it. Does she know I'm not the president of Cuba?
Selina Character Comedy Visual Gag Selina · Gary: Are you wearing cologne? A little. (SNIFFS) Smells like birdseed.
Selina: Do you want to just play it like Ellen or do you want to be more like Jodie Foster? Do you want to play it more like a mystery?
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Observational Selina: Okay, can you just speak English, Catherine? 'Cause I don't know what you're trying to say... We'll keep it under the gaydar.
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Roger: The fluffers have done their work. It's time for the orgy to begin.
Roger Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Selina · aide: You mean 11:00? Over there? Seriously, can you really not tell time?
Selina: Except it's still just a rat's nest in the back. It needs to pull... maybe you can help her, Marjorie. Just pull it back, sweetheart.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Congressman Jaeger · Unnamed Staffer: This is one of my staffers, Nadia. She's a prostitute.
Selina: Would you like a picture for your friends and for your family? [congressmen with escort at White House Christmas party]
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Callback Selina: And you're out of here. You can go.
Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Mike: Catherine's 23 years old. She's fair game. Maybe you ride the pine on this one for a period or two.
Mike Character Comedy Running Gag Callback Selina · Mike: Mike, are you dating a hockey player by any chance? You noticed the hockey references? Shit, I thought they were seamless.
Selina Mike Character Comedy Running Gag Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Mike: Listen, you can't say a word, but our surrogate is pregnant and I've been talking to somebody in the NHL about a job as director of communications. So win or lose, I'm out of here.
Mike Character Comedy Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Well, let me get my good-byes out of the way now.
Selina Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Selina: Ah, Buddy Calhoun in a tie that's not made out of string.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Buddy · Selina: You're the only woman who's ever threatened to grate my balls over a bowl of spaghetti. Night's still young. Knock yourself out.
Selina · Congressman: But can you remind me exactly what happened in Bozeman on 9/11? This is mainly focused on our first responders. Our first responders were terribly traumatized by what happened to the first responders in New York.
Roger · Will: Oh, I'm sure we can just slip it under the skirt of the Homeland Security budget. Tell him why, Will. The budget has a fatter, more womanly behind than myself.
Roger Will Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Absurdist Roger · Will: Roger on budget: 'slip it under the skirt of the Homeland Security budget.' Will: 'The budget has a fatter, more womanly behind than myself.'
Gary · Congressional Father: Excuse me. Aren't you Gary Walsh? [congressional fan approaches Gary after hot list ranking] What did I do?
Selina: She's single, divorced, has a kid. But he's really a sweetheart. [father trying to set Gary up] God, I feel like somebody's playing a trick on him. They're about to dump a bucket of pig's blood on his head.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Amy: Can't believe how many compliments I'm getting about the hot list. [Amy getting compliments she doesn't want] Don't people around here have anything better to talk about than the stupid hot list?
Amy Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Callback Dan: Listen, don't worry so much about what's up here, okay? Worry about what's in here. And if you work at that, I'm telling you, you're gonna be back on the hot list, Amy. I'm not saying you're gonna be in the top 20, but you would be a lock for, like, mid 40s.
Dan Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Unnamed Aide: Actually, she's the only member of the Gay and Lesbian Caucus.
Selina: And this is her special friend Marjorie... Let's all say girl power.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Cringe/Discomfort Callback Richard: Oh, my God, I got it. I think I got it! You know, I think I see what happened there. Richard, you good boy. I went to turn it on, but it was already on, so I turned it off. Then I went to turn it off, but it already was off, so I turned it on.
Richard Character Comedy Absurdist Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Dan: I had such plans for you, Richard.
Dan Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Callback Selina: Congressman Baxter, I completely believe you about the whole men's room incident. It sounded very plausible to me.
Selina Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy Unnamed Aide: He could go either way. Like Baxter.
Mike · Ben: Yeah, he wouldn't return my calls after POTUS fired him. Oh, come on. It's been a long time. Go talk to him.
Mike Ben Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Selina · Ben: Well, at least we know you don't need big balls. Got large stones for sure.
Selina Ben Wordplay/Pun Irony/Sarcasm Dark/Subversive Ben · Selina: Oh, what about Doyle? You promised him State. He knows I don't keep my promises. He should know by now.
Ben Selina Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Furlong: And I said maybe you'd remember better if I fuck your brain through your ear hole.
Furlong Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Selina: Let's say that your chief of staff... Nadia, is it? And she's down on her knees and she's got your balls in her hand and she's working your shaft just the way you like it...
Selina Cringe/Discomfort Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: ...she says, 'Nyet, after much prayerful consideration, I have to abstain from the upcoming blowjob.' Are you Nadia in this situation?
Selina Escalation Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Ben · Selina · Tom: Let me guess, Jaeger's abstaining. Yeah. Nickerson, too. Tom's not lobbying votes for O'Brien. He's asking people to abstain.
Selina · Tom: I've been watching you all night and I know what you're up to. Oh? You're trying to get up the courage to ask me to dance.
Selina Tom Misdirection Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Selina · Tom: I think all this meeting and greeting has really made me work up an appetite. I'm starving. Yeah, you never get the chance to eat at these things. Never. You know what I really have a hankering for? Korean barbecue. There's this great place I heard about.
Selina Tom Irony/Sarcasm Misdirection Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: (WHISPERS) the Cocksucking Backstabber.
Selina Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: Oh, keep dancing, Tom. Don't stop dancing. Don't look around. Nobody's gonna help you.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: How stupid are you, you motherfucking snake? I know all about your meeting with Marwood and Purcell.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Callback Selina · Tom: And, by the way, by messing around with that pretty boy Charlie Baird, for God's sake. What? Charlie Baird? What does Charlie Baird have to do with any of this? I don't know. He's got nothing to do with it.
Selina: You are lying now just like you lied back then just like you lied about that night in the cab with the green shoes.
Selina Character Comedy Absurdist Cringe/Discomfort ★ Rewatch Selina · Tom: No straight man remembers a woman's shoes. Well, you got me. I'm gay, so...
Selina Tom Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Misdirection ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Tom: Come on, Tom. You wanted to fuck me that night. Just say it. You wanted to fuck my brains out. All right, I wanted to fuck your brains out! There you go. And now you're trying to fuck me tonight. No, I am fucking you tonight.
Selina Tom Escalation Cringe/Discomfort Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Will: I mean, if I never see the White House again, it'll be too soon.
Will Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement Will: It's funny, you know. I love my job. I've been working for Congressman Furlong since I was 15.
Will Dark/Subversive Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Ben: Listen, I'm a high functioning alcoholic and you're a sloppy weekend drunk. Now get with it.
Ben Character Comedy Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Selina · Tom: (MOANING) [Selina and Tom apparently having sex, discovered by an aide]
Selina Tom Physical/Slapstick Cringe/Discomfort Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Jonah: Hi. Jonah Ryan. Thanks for coming out tonight. Let me know if you have any questions. Hi. Jonah Ryan. Running for Congress and I hope I can count on your support.
Jonah Character Comedy Absurdist Jonah · Polly: Big shoes. You know what that means, right? Uh, big feet? Can't argue with that. Maybe you should run for Congress.
Polly: So why does your shirt say Jon H Ryan?
Polly Character Comedy Visual Gag Dan: Oh, bowling alley's always a good choice. I mean, skating rink's good for a male candidate, but it's cold and gals tend to nip out.
Dan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Observational Jonah · Teddy: What are you doing here, Teddy? I'm looking forward to some bowling. Although pocket pool is more my game.
Jonah Teddy Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Jonah: I was a victim, but I am not gonna let you define me. Nice blog, Mary.
Jonah Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Jonah: You know what? People like you, you look like us, but there's a little piece missing. You're like a different species and one that I hope gets struck from the Earth because you're a bully and Jonah Ryan stands up to bullies.
Jonah Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dark/Subversive ★ Rewatch Dan: Okay, you and Boo-Boo the ball-fondling bear here have exactly two seconds to get the fuck out.
Dan Setup/Punchline Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Teddy · Dan: Our work is done here. Tell Selina hello. Yeah, great place for an event, Dan. The teenager selling cocaine in the bathroom thought so, too.
Teddy Dan Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Dan · Amy: Hey. — Oh, looking good, 26.
Dan Amy Character Comedy Callback Irony/Sarcasm Callback Selina: It's where Woodrow Wilson had some of his most significant strokes.
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun ★ Rewatch Mike · Jim Owens: You got the hockey job. Perfect. Where are you headed? I'm going to CL International Time. That sounds great. Mmm, big.
Selina: If you think that you are getting those worthless toy boats now, I'm gonna shut down those factories faster than you can bedazzle a fucking sweatshirt.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Callback Selina: You're playing a very dangerous game of chicken with the head fucking hen.
Selina Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun Selina: O'Brien is gonna sink your stupid boats and you're gonna look like a hair-sprayed asshole in your 1980s mother-of-the-bride dress.
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive Irony/Sarcasm Callback Selina: And then I'm gonna have the IRS crawl so far up your husband's colon, he's gonna wish the only thing they find is more cancer.
Selina Dark/Subversive Escalation Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Selina: So can I count on your vote? Or do I need to shove a box of White House M&Ms up your stretched-out, six-baby vag?
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy Escalation ★ Rewatch Callback Selina · Nickerson: I think I want to hear an okey-dokey, Annie Oakley. Okey-dokey, Annie Oakley. Oh, super-duper, trooper. Now get the fuck out of here, Congresswoman.
Candi Caruso: 'Nev-add-a.' I told POTUS that there are other qualified people out there for special advisor, but she insisted she couldn't think of any, so...
Candi Caruso · Amy: I am engaged. Mm-hmm. Who's... to whom? Gary Welsh. You know, Gary Welsh. Gary Welsh? Oh! Gary Welsh at State. He was supposed to be on this 50 Hottest thing that I'm in, but they got his name wrong.
Amy: It wasn't you. What? You're not hot. Gary Welsh at State is. You're a typo.
Amy Character Comedy Running Gag Deadpan/Understatement ★ Rewatch Callback Amy: But like you said, it's not up here, it's what's in here.
Amy Callback Irony/Sarcasm Character Comedy ★ Rewatch Callback Jonah · Dan: Fuck me, Amadeus. Can't even see the guy that Jonah's yelling at. God, Polly's not gonna think that I was yelling at her, will she?
Jonah Dan Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Callback Dan · Richard · Jonah: Wait a second. Richard, tell me you have that from the other angle. Oh, definitely. [FOOTAGE: Teddy shown] What are you doing here? You did the same fucking thing! Literally. Oh, yeah, you know what? You're right, I did the exact same thing.
Mike: After the national elections, the president may have found herself with a bad lie in the rough, but after stabilizing the economy, the House vote is starting to look like a gimme putt. And mark my words, the president will end up atop the leaderboard just like Inbee Park or Lydia Ko or any of the other great female golfers in the LPGA Tour.
Mike Character Comedy Running Gag ★ Rewatch Callback Reporter: Reporter at Kent's press conference: 'I would like to get back to questions about the first daughter's lesbianism.'
Reporter Irony/Sarcasm Deadpan/Understatement Callback Reporter: I would like to get back to questions about the first daughter's lesbianism.
Reporter Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm Reaction Beat Callback