After a quick visit to their new campaign HQ, Selina and her team go on a ride-along with the Coast Guard, where they learn the president has flipped on a major issue, which makes Selina reexamine her own stance. Meanwhile, Gary questions his role with the Veep, and Jonah's new political blog causes trouble.
Wordplay and character barbs sustain 65 jokes across 38 minutes despite modest 73.6 score.
Directed by Becky Martin · Written by Roger Drew, Ian Martin
WAR
43.2
Wins Above Replacement
“The Choice” ranks #57 of 65 Veep episodes on the Humor Index, scoring 73.6 — Solid. The episode packs 65 scored jokes at 1.7 per minute, averaging 6.7 on craft and 6.7 on impact, with Selina landing the most laughs. Every joke is ranked below with its individual craft and impact scores.
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Top Jokes
If you say anything on-air about the Veep, I will break your legs so severely, you'll end up normal height.
You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house?
I can't identify myself as a woman. People can't know that. Men hate that.
Selina Absurdist Character Comedy But I would go pro-life in a fetal fucking heartbeat if it meant winning.
Dan Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive If men got pregnant, you could get an abortion at an ATM.
Ben Observational Dark/Subversive Callback All Jokes — 65 analyzed
Show all ↓ Hide ↑ We put a penny in a jar every time we have sex. We've already got like 15 in there.
I don't wanna be a guy in his 40s carrying a bag.
Gary Character Comedy Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch When did you get your dad's face?
Ma'am, I'm going to follow you wherever you go. I'm going to be like a Disney animal.
Gary Character Comedy Absurdist You said he was really good on the book tour. No, I was trying to keep you from worrying about me.
Kelly and I go way back. She's like another me.
The only laundering you're gonna be doing from now on is gonna be prison blankets.
Dan Setup/Punchline Wordplay/Pun That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral.
Dan Observational Dark/Subversive No matter how dumb they are.
Selina Character Comedy Cringe/Discomfort Let's go. The coasts won't guard themselves.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Deadpan/Understatement You just gonna sit there, 'SpongeBob'?
Amy Character Comedy Observational The edible garbage is out back in the alley.
We put a penny in a jar every time we have sex. We've already got like 15 in there. - 17? - 17.
DC insider turns DC outlaw, energizing democracy, taking from the powerful and giving to the pitiful.
Jonah Character Comedy Absurdist Remember that random dude who used to hang out on our street asking Mom for money? - That was Mike.
No, it's just a shame they couldn't arrest someone a little more photogenic.
Amy Observational Deadpan/Understatement Fuck the swords. POTUS just announced that he's now pro-life.
Amy Escalation Misdirection They're already calling him 'PRO-TUS,' which is stupid because both sides have 'pro' at the start.
Ben Observational Wordplay/Pun You're listing trimesters. Stop it!
Selina Reaction Beat Character Comedy I got it chemically relaxed. It was enormously painful.
Sue Deadpan/Understatement Character Comedy Sue, apologies. We will continue our pleasant chat at a later date. Abortion calls.
This is the unflushable turd that is left in the can for the next person... e.g., me.
Selina Setup/Punchline Dark/Subversive If men got pregnant, you could get an abortion at an ATM.
Ben Observational Dark/Subversive I can't get POTUS to wave his transvaginal wand and make it all go away.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive I can't identify myself as a woman. People can't know that. Men hate that.
Selina Absurdist Character Comedy And women who hate women hate that... which I believe is most women, don't you agree with that?
Selina Character Comedy Dark/Subversive You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house?
Sorry, that's just pastel-colored shit.
Ben Observational Deadpan/Understatement I can't listen to that 'Joan Crawford' bitch about 'Bette Davis' any longer.
What, like a woman's door? - A back door? No. A trapdoor?
Old media like 'The Washington Toast' better go run and hide in the bathroom and join 'The Poo York Times.'
Jonah Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy And now that the president's given his 'State of the Uterus' address...
Get the government out of my fuckin' snatch, you know?
Selina Dark/Subversive Character Comedy If men got pregnant, you could get an abortion at an ATM.
Ben Observational Dark/Subversive Callback I'm not putting my eggs in that basket.
Selina Wordplay/Pun Irony/Sarcasm ★ Rewatch It would take a brain about this size to think that's this shit's useful.
Dan Visual Gag Setup/Punchline Boom, boom, shake-shake the womb!
Jonah Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy It's like listening to Jupiter.
Ben Observational Absurdist We've literally said nothing. Meanwhile, that shit shovel-faced fuckin' Jonah is telling people you're feeling out options.
You want to put it on a T-shirt? Come on!
Dan Escalation Character Comedy I was clear. We just need to pick a fucking number, any fucking number. Give that fucking number to the fucking press, and go to fucking bed! How much more clarity do you need? You want to put it on a T-shirt? Come on!
I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the fuck out of you.
Selina Setup/Punchline Character Comedy Shall I print that up on a T-shirt that I could give to you?
Selina Callback Character Comedy Callback Look, I love abortion, okay? I am an abortionado.
Dan Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive But I would go pro-life in a fetal fucking heartbeat if it meant winning.
Dan Wordplay/Pun Dark/Subversive Here's something else to sew into your giant fucking crazy quilt.
Okay, so now the phones have taken a vow of silence.
This is what we call the 'grub hub.'
God, the lighting is so unflattering. Can I ask you a question? Are you hiding from someone?
Aren't we all hiding from somebody?
Your right to choose, Amy.
You need to quit this job and find something you're halfway decent at.
They should be called 'Puff Ho' 'cause Arianna Huffington is a straight-up ho and all they do is puff pieces.
Jonah Wordplay/Pun Character Comedy We're going to need a bigger melon.
'22 and a half weeks' sounds like an erotic thriller
Amy Observational Absurdist 'Me-Too Meyer,' 'Shit for Brains...' No, I'm sorry, they won't say that. I'm just really tired.
I wonder who should be my campaign strategist in the next election. 'I don't know.'
Kent Deadpan/Understatement Callback You're not my boss. We're copartners. I don't give a fuck.
If you say anything on-air about the Veep, I will break your legs so severely, you'll end up normal height.
Joke's on you, Dan, because I fucking love burritos.
Jonah Character Comedy Absurdist These issues are like a prism. They have many sides.
Jonah Character Comedy Wordplay/Pun A big, fat, morbidly obese nothing.
Amy Escalation Observational You are always gonna be my bodyman. Yeah. Especially when I'm president.
I can put this in balls. Little watermelon balls in a bowl?
Gary Character Comedy ★ Rewatch 