The Choice

Gary · Unknown woman:Gary, are you working on the night of our eighth month-iversary? / Please don't tell me you're doing that face. / I am doing that face.

Mike:We put a penny in a jar every time we have sex. We've already got like 15 in there.

Gary:Did you call me to talk dirty about your honeymoon?

Mike:Hey, gotta go. Telly Savalas is gonna kill some Nazis.

Unknown:When did you get your dad's face?

Selina · Amy:The world only just heard POTUS isn't running again so obviously we're not here and this doesn't exist. / Your campaign office. / What are these? These are the stables?

Selina · Kelly:I'm afraid I don't know who you are. / I'm Kelly. / Hi, Kelly. / I'm working on your campaign. / Great. / And I'll be taking photographs today.

Unknown staffer:I'm going to follow you wherever you go. I'm going to be like a Disney animal.

Amy · Selina:I don't know why Richard is here. / You said he was really good on the book tour. / No, I was trying to keep you from worrying about me.

Amy · Selina:Oh. / You're welcome.

Selina · Kelly:Oh, my God. What is your name? I'm so sorry. / It starts with a K. / No, could you just tell me? / It's Kelly.

Dan · Selina:Yeah, and just hang back here, do a little pre-prep. / Why would that be, Dan? Is that a pre-stabbing in my pre-back?

Dan · Selina:"The only laundering you're gonna be doing from now on is gonna be prison blankets." / That's kind of clever.

Dan:"The only crack you're going to see belongs to some guy in a shower."

Selina:So, here... it begins here, "in this Polish dungeon."

Gary:Instead of doing this pre-campaigning, sometime in the next 24 hours, you grab a mic, you say, 'I'm Selina Meyer and I'm running for President of the United States.'

Amy:That's like trying to bang the widow at the funeral.

Amy:You would have her start her campaign with no strategy, no money, no staff... except for 'Superman' and 'Wonder Woman' over there...

Selina · Amy:The drugs stop here. / Oh! / No, no, don't say anything right after, 'cause it ruins it. / The drugs stop here. / We need to go, ma'am. / Yes, yes. Just one second. / 'They stop here'... firm. / The drugs stop here. / Nice.

Selina · Kelly:This definitely does not do video. / I'm sorry? / Then what were you doing? / Perfect. / Use your common sense next time.

Selina:You just gonna sit there, 'SpongeBob'?

Selina · Amy · Unknown:Are you getting 'pre-sick'? / Get downstairs. / It's 'below deck.'

Wendy · Mike:Mikey, honey, look who I found in a basket at our front door. / Jonah, what are you doing here?

Mike:Walt, Randall, this is Sasquatch. / The edible garbage is out back in the alley.

Jonah:What's up, y'all punk-ass bitches? I'm Jonah Ryan.

Wendy:Wow, 'bitches.' All right, we're gonna have dinner soon.

Mike · Walt/Randall:And then I taped 'The Great Escape' for later. / Oh, 17? / 17. / So wrap it up soon.

Jonah · Mike:So, you're probably bumming you can't be out on that boat in Baltimore Harbor with the Veep, huh? / Honeymoon. / Yeah.

Mike · Jonah:Yeah... but it's not a campaign office. / It's a real estate acquisition. / Oh, yeah. Of course, right. / A PAC-quisition, huh?

Mike · Wendy:Consulting on what? / How to delete your Internet search history?

Jonah:DC insider turns DC outlaw, energizing democracy, taking from the powerful and giving to the pitiful.

Mike:Why are you at our house, then?

Jonah:You've got her well trained already, Mike.

Wendy:Your business model sucks. I'm out.

Jonah:Hey, Wendy, if you're grabbing beers, would you mind grabbing... / Okay, that's fine.

Selina:Wow. We need to get a photo of me with him surrendering. Is that wrong to do that?

Dan:No, it's just a shame they couldn't arrest someone a little more photogenic.

Drug suspect · Selina:Hey, I voted for you! / Thank you very much, sir, but I'm afraid you have to go to prison!

Selina · Gary · Amy:Gary. / You gotta get a shot of this. / Ma'am... / Swords. He's got swords. / Fuck the swords. POTUS just announced that he's now pro-life.

Selina:What? / Our POTUS? The POTUS?

Gary:They're already calling him 'PRO-TUS,' which is stupid because both sides have 'pro' at the start.

Unknown:'Below deck,' Amy. You gotta say, 'below deck.'

Selina:Okay, Amy, I do not mean to sound paranoid, but he is trying to kill me.

Sue:She is not, sir. She's on a coast guard boat meeting and greeting fish.

Unnamed visitor · Sue:Sue, forgive me, but have you altered your hair, perhaps? / I got it chemically relaxed. It was enormously painful. / Well, it seems to be working for you.

Ben · Sue:Damn it. The president's gone rogue. / Sue, apologies. We will continue our pleasant chat at a later date. / Abortion calls.

Selina:This is the unflushable turd that is left in the can for the next person... e.g., me.

Unknown staffer:The toilet's still broken, FYI.

Unknown · Selina · Unknown:Has POTUS gone nuts? / We can't have a crazy president. / In Italy they do.

Selina:I'll listen the shit out of every one of those morons.

Dan:So keep the groups apart — pro-choice in the morning, pro-life in the afternoon so nobody shoots any doctors.

Selina:I can't identify myself as a woman. People can't know that. Men hate that. And women who hate women hate that... which I believe is most women, don't you agree with that?

Mike · Selina · Ben:Oh, Jonah knows we opened a campaign office. / He came by my house... Wendy's house. / You let that unstable piece of human scaffolding into your house? / And you didn't shoot him?

Mike:Honey, is Selina's book in the bathroom?

Mike:You know what I have a bunch of unsold ones in my car.

Mike · Dan:"Freedom is what this nation is built on..." blah, blah, blah... "and freedom means the freedom to choose how to use that freedom to protect the freedom of others." / Sorry, that's just pastel-colored shit.

Amy:There's two doors, okay? Pro-choice, pro-life. / Yeah. / There's no point in rattling the handles on either one of them. You just gotta pick a door and walk through it.

Selina · Ben:Jesus. Fucking Kent. / I can't listen to that 'Joan Crawford' bitch about 'Bette Davis' any longer.

Selina · Amy · Dan:Is there a third door? / What, like a woman's door? A back door? No. / A trapdoor?

Jonah:This is Jonah Ryan and you are witnessing the birth of 'Ryantology.' / Old media like 'The Washington Toast' better go run and hide in the bathroom and join 'The Poo York Times.'

Jonah:I'm going to be updating more than I'm actually dating, which is a shitload.

Jonah:And now that the president's given his 'State of the Uterus' address...

Selina:Why do I gotta deal with this pile of ass in the middle of the night? / Because we need to get first dibs on a statement.

Selina · Dan:Well, you know what I think. I'm a Christian. I'm not going to deny that. / Please, do not go religious. Go ambiguous. / By saying what? / 'Blah, blah, blah, blah... abortion, blah, blah blah blah'? / Sounds good to me.

Selina:Get the government out of my fuckin' snatch.

Unknown (likely Selina):Unflabby precision. Excellent.

Selina · Ben:Is there a 'pro-I don't give a shit' lobby? / Yeah. You're looking at him. / I got posters, buttons... not really, 'cause I don't give a shit.

Ben:If men got pregnant, you could get an abortion at an ATM.

Selina:If I say that I am pro-life, then I'm a traitor to my sex. If I say that I'm pro-choice, then I'm a traitor to the president. Which makes me an actual traitor, by the way.

Dan:I can't get POTUS to wave his transvaginal wand and make it all go away.

Selina:As a woman, I am not gonna put in a fuckin' sentence, 'as a woman.' I'm not putting my eggs in that basket.

Kent · Unknown woman:I'll start polling... Nice dress. / It's a skirt and top. / Even better.

Gary · Selina:I've laid out a line of fruit for you. / What is this? / It's the size of the baby in different stages during pregnancy. / It would take a brain about this size to think that shit's useful.

Selina:And you need to stop calling these things babies.

Unknown · Dan:Holy shit. Maddox is about to issue a statement in five. / At 1:00 in the morning? What's his statement gonna be? / 'I have to go to the bathroom'?

Jonah:Boom, boom, shake-shake the womb! / Selina's calling in the contraceptistas!

Jonah:Mark, get a screen grab of that fetus from the end of 2001, all right? Send it to me.

Mike (reading) · Dan · Ben:"Science may give us the map, but we are lost without morality's compass." / Ah. / Jesus, what a talking gas giant. / It's like listening to Jupiter.

Dan:Ma'am, Maddox said nothing, but at least he said something. / We've literally said nothing.

Dan:Meanwhile, that shit shovel-faced fuckin' Jonah is telling people you're feeling out options.

Dan:I was clear. We just need to pick a fucking number, any fucking number. Give that fucking number to the fucking press, and go to fucking bed! How much more clarity do you need? / You want to put it on a T-shirt? Come on!

Dan:I'm so sorry. I did not mean to blow up like that.

Selina:I accept your apology while retaining the right to fire the fuck out of you. / Shall I print that up on a T-shirt that I could give to you?

Dan:I love abortion, okay? I am an abortionado. / But I would go pro-life in a fetal fucking heartbeat if it meant winning.

Selina:Moving on... and Dan may be quite soon...

Dan:How very Dan Brown.

Ben:Go home. Take an Ambien. Take 50.

Selina · Sue:Sue, help Kent finish polling now. / Okay, but if he touches my hair, I'm calling the police.

Selina:I really did want to see you first, Your Excellency, because I wanted to get a little extra time with you. / Let me just do one quick thing, excuse me. / Make sure you cancel everything, please, so I can get plenty of time with the cardinal.

Selina:Okay, so now the phones have taken a vow of silence.

Selina · Cardinal Branzini · Gary:That is a gorgeous color on you, by the way. / Thank you. So where is the VP's thinking on this? / Thinking... There's a lot of numbers being thrown out. Speaking of numbers, there's over 30,000 tiles... / That's not really the kind of numbers I'm talking about.

Gary:The Anti... / no, the Anti-Abortion... / no, the Association of... it's in my phone. / Can you hear me? / Yes, I can. I can.

Phone caller · Selina · Aide:Frankly, ma'am, our position hasn't changed one inch. / Well, you know what? It's a matter of conviction for me, too. / Pro-life. / They're pro-choice.

Selina · Unknown:Oh, my God. / God, the lighting is so unflattering. / Can I ask you a question? Are you hiding from someone? / Aren't we all hiding from somebody?

Gary:Get your shit together, Gary. You can do this. You can do this.

Gary · Selina:She was from the A-D-CCP. Sorry. / And who are they? / I'm not quite sure. / Oh. / It's in my phone.

Mike · Selina:See that, ma'am? / I've got Cunningham. I know, he's pro-choice. / Life! / Got it.

Gary · Unknown:The new McCartney is worth checking out. / Right now, or can it wait? / It can wait.

Gary:Your right to choose, Amy.

Cunningham · Amy:I've worked in DC for 10 years, and I've never been treated like this. Bundled around like a refugee? / I'm sorry. / I'm gonna back your boss, I always have. But you need to quit this job... / I know. / and find something you're halfway decent at. / Thank you. Yeah. Thank you so much.

Jonah:If this footage looks kinda like 'Cloverfield,' it's not because my hand's shaking, it's because a fucking earthquake just hit DC!

Jonah:You know what? Fuck HuffPo. They should be called 'Puff Ho' 'cause Arianna Huffington is a straight-up ho and all they do is puff pieces.

Dan:Oh, sarcasm. That's an interesting strategy for a potential campaign manager, Amy.

Mike (reading) · Dan · Unknown · Unknown:"I believe a 22-week cutoff is appropriate." / Has anyone ever come up with that number before? / Never. / We're going to need a bigger melon.

Dan:'22 and a half weeks' sounds like an erotic thriller.

Mike · Amy:Which is in weeks...? / Divide by seven, Mike.

Dan:"Me-Too Meyer," "Shit for Brains..." / No, I'm sorry, they won't say that. I'm just really tired.

Selina:Should we all quit and go home and go to bed 'cause you're so tired?

Kent:I didn't realize that Chung and Maddox would attack at night. Must be the military training.

Selina · Kent:Let me see this. What is this spike right here? / The 'I Don't Knows.' / Okay, so I am looking at a page and I am seeing most of America standing up proudly and saying, 'I don't know.' / We were shocked ourselves.

Selina · Kent:I wonder who should be my campaign strategist in the next election. / 'I don't know.' / I will redouble my efforts to win your support.

Selina:The man's obsessed with me.

Selina:I believe that life is precious. / And so are the hard-won freedoms that women throughout America enjoy today. / As a woman myself,

Jonah · Dan · Jonah:Dan, what the fuck are you doing here? / You shouldn't tweet your location to someone who wants to kill you. / Oh, so you do follow me.

Jonah:See, I told you, man. Two days up and we're already big. / This is what happens when talent meets opportunity. / Let's blow this thing wide open.

Dan:I swear to God, I'm gonna rip your guts out through your tiny, shriveled, little chihuahua cock.

Dan:You see this, Jonah? This is what happens when you fuck with my office. / If you say anything on-air about the Veep, I will break your legs so severely, you'll end up normal height.

Dan · Jonah:You're looking kinda hungry, Jonah. / You want some of that burrito? / No? Hey, you, 'Ugly Betty,' give me that burrito. / Don't just give it to him, dude.

Jonah:Joke's on you, Dan, because I fucking love burritos.

Jonah · TV host:At 'Ryantology.net,' we have a saying... / which is that these issues are like a prism. / They have many sides. / Would you care to pick one? / Of course.

TV host:Thanks for coming in, Jonah.

Selina:Well, I said nothing. A big, fat, morbidly obese nothing.

Gary:At least you mentioned the book, ma'am. Your publisher is gonna be stoked.

Selina:And I'm not wearing a flag pin. Whose fault is that, by the way?

Gary · Selina:Look what I got. Look what I got. / I got a special treat for you. / Gary, you are my angel of baked goods. / Well, every angel needs an archangel.

Selina · Gary:You are always gonna be my bodyman. / Yeah. / Especially when I'm president. / And I've got eight years of treats planned for you.

Gary · Selina:I can put this in balls. Little watermelon balls in a bowl? / Definitely not.

Gary · Selina:Don't put 'Oprah' on. You don't like that. / Mm-mm. / You wanna watch 'Top Chef'? / No. / How about 'Project Runway'? / No. / 'Survivor'? / Yeah.

Selina:I can't watch myself anymore.