Morning After

Can we have the room? Fantastic speech, ma'am. The three Ss... strength, stability and bullshit.

I forgot to thank the voters for making our country look like a high school Spanish club.

Didn't those founding fuckers ever hear of an odd number?

Two great Greek contributions to society... democracy and getting fucked up the ass. I've tried both and they're way overrated, like jazz.

My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister. Well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest.

There is no world in which I am going to be vice president to that smug, Dick Van Dyke-looking motherfucker Tom James.

Oh, believe me, I know what she majored in. 65 grand a year to watch movies.

Okay, we don't have time to hear the story of your syndrome. What about your minor, dance? Why don't you make up a little kind of a dance about the election? You know, you can't decide should you dance or should you not dance?

You're gonna shatter the bulletproof glass in here.

Life gives you Yemen, you got to make Yemenade.

The only thing Catherine ever finished was an entire ice cream cake.

Actually, four Christian missionaries burned to death. Oh, even better.

This thing on the side of my face feels like a dog nipple.

It's hardly noticeable, ma'am, like our Hispanic voter turnout.

I don't know what's getting their dicks harder, an electoral college tie or talking to a girl.

It's a pimple that erupted during a very stressful time.

For the stress pimple? Ben gets those on his butt. She should see a doctor.

Actually, Wendy was keeping it a secret from me until today because I'm so bad with keeping secrets.

You're a nincompoop. We are in the middle of a tied election. There is no time for some Chinese baby.

Cancel it and see if you can get your money back. Fortune cookie say you fuck up big-time, round eye.

Too bad you're not counting your missteps. You'd be done by breakfast, right?

How many abortions does a pro-lifer have to pressure his mistress into before the people turn on him? Three.

Yeah, drive sober. Take a shit without getting a hernia.

I don't think that we're symposium on race desperate yet.

There's only one person I'd be more surprised to see today in the Roosevelt Room and that's Teddy fucking Roosevelt.

You're as welcome here as a swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue.

Oh, they all look alike to me. What? Not Chinese people, but pictures of children.

The agency says she's either 16 months or three years old.

You ran one campaign for two weeks and had a nervous breakdown. That is medically inaccurate.

Go out, win a race with a Jesus-loving homophobic homosexual or a racist billionaire.

Any chance they fixed the Wi-Fi? I'll check.

I am not quite seeing it, um, only because I'm... well, you are...

She smells completely different, so, you know...

'Nev-add-a.'

Nev-add-a. Oh, my God. I get to be president. I don't have to move.

Two. Constitutional law and veterinary medicine, which was my fallback. But you were getting my coffee. Which is much harder 'cause you have so many different moods.

I actually did my doctorate in recount procedures in the West. Excellent work, Richard. Richard works for me.

This is highly enriched weapons-grade bullshit.

She's Uncle Dursley and she's got the great wizard Harry Potter living under the staircase. Do you see that? But what happens in the Harry Potter books? He rises up and he kills all the muggles. I don't think that's what happens.

The Dow is dropping lower than my balls on a hot summer day.

Zitzilla just stomped all over Wall Street.

He says, 'The market crash caused a blotch on the face of America.' Is that about my pimple?

You baked a fucking soufflé on my face.

Did he just say zit? How come no one ever tries to assassinate a vice president?

Like an empty cop car they park on the side of the road to slow speeders. Those cars are empty?

I'm on it, ma'am, like brown on rice.

No, he's... God, he's deviating from the book of the things that he should do. You mean off the rails. Oh. Fine, he's off the rails.

Look, regardless of the recount, this could mean big things for zucchini.

You can't fire me, I quib. You know it's supposed to say quit. Well, I just fired you anyway. You can't quib, you rebard.

We are doubling down on O'Brien, so you're basically as useless to me as a 40-year-old woman.

It's called POTUS. Pimple of the United States. There are 220,000 followers as of five minutes ago. How many Twitter followers do I have? Approaching that.

Oh, czar she blows.

Well, respectfully, Madam President, I hope you do because if the President of the United States can't tell the difference between Treasury Secretary and stock market patsy, that's pretty disturbing.

I have to balance that against my need not to do it.

I'm not picking up any respect. But you're getting the declining?

If she does that to her own goddamn name, how the hell is she going to handle a potential recount?

If she does that to her own goddamn name, how the hell is she going to handle a potential recount?

All you're doing right now is making me hungry. So why don't you do something about that?

Hi, it's Candi with an I. Amy with a Y. Which is correct.

You know Jonah. He works for me. In fact, you two used to date, but you never got over him.

Cliff, my plate is just full of shit right now and I'd like for you to clean that.

Well, I am enjoying a delicious sandwich made even more delicious by the fact that there's a homeless guy watching me eat it.

Right now you're about as toxic as a urinal cake in Chernobyl and I am offering you a job.

18,000 steps. I am Chinese baby ready.

I LBJ'd you, okay? I'm the LBJ queen and you are Sargent 'Suck It' Shriver.

Kind of like the national debt.

Kind of like the national debt.

And this thing up my ass has got to get removed, too.

Then I declare a state of go fuck yourself.

I don't mean this to sound insensitive, but don't you think that mudslides are the funniest kind of natural disasters? I've always been partial to sinkholes. You know, ah! Those are hilarious. Nature's trapdoor.

What the fuck is going on here? Why are they all white? Looks like the NHL All-Star Weekend.

We need to round up some blacks and fast. We need to round up... Don't say it over the radio, asshole.

Faces from the savannahs of Africa to the cities and towns of England. Faces from... from Holland and even perhaps Norway.

In your fucking face, Sue.