Morning After

Selina:What a night. In a democracy such as ours, it falls to the people to choose their president, and that is what you attempted to do last night.

Selina:I wish to say on a personal note that although there is a tie, I am most privileged to have won the popular vote.

Selina:No matter who you voted for, I am your president.

Ben:The three Ss... strength, stability and bullshit.

Selina:I forgot to thank the voters for making our country look like a high school Spanish club.

Selina:Didn't those founding fuckers ever hear of an odd number?

Selina:Two great Greek contributions to society... democracy and getting fucked up the ass. I've tried both and they're way overrated, like jazz.

Selina:My bowling coach used to say a tie was like kissing your sister. Well, this feels like my sister took a shit on my chest.

Selina:There is no world in which I am going to be vice president to that smug, Dick Van Dyke-looking motherfucker Tom James.

Selina · Catherine · Ben:Catherine filming with her camera — 'My thesis film about the tie. She majored in film at Vassar College.'

Selina:65 grand a year to watch movies.

Catherine · Selina:I never came up with a thesis my advisor liked because I had that thing last semester where I was tired all the time... Okay, we don't have time to hear the story of your syndrome.

Selina:What about your minor, dance? Why don't you make up a little kind of a dance about the election? You know, you can't decide should you dance or should you not dance?

Selina:Please, Catherine, stop with the whining, all right? You're gonna shatter the bulletproof glass in here.

Selina:Life gives you Yemen, you got to make Yemenade.

Selina:The only thing Catherine ever finished was an entire ice cream cake.

Amy · Selina:Actually, four Christian missionaries burned to death. Oh, even better.

Selina:This thing on the side of my face feels like a dog nipple.

Amy:It's hardly noticeable, ma'am, like our Hispanic voter turnout.

Amy:I don't know what's getting their dicks harder, an electoral college tie or talking to a girl.

Selina · Gary · Ben:It's a pimple that erupted during a very stressful time. / For the stress pimple? Ben gets those on his butt.

Mike:Wendy and I are adopting a baby from China... Actually, Wendy was keeping it a secret from me until today because I'm so bad with keeping secrets. But I'm gonna be a dad.

Selina:You're a nincompoop. We are in the middle of a tied election. There is no time for some Chinese baby. Cancel it and see if you can get your money back.

Kent:Fortune cookie say you fuck up big-time, round eye.

Ben:Too bad you're not counting your missteps. You'd be done by breakfast, right?

Selina · Ben:How many abortions does a pro-lifer have to pressure his mistress into before the people turn on him? Three.

Ben · Amy · Mike:And every day you have to do the one thing O'Brien can't do. / Yeah, drive sober. / Take a shit without getting a hernia.

Selina:There's only one person I'd be more surprised to see today in the Roosevelt Room and that's Teddy fucking Roosevelt.

Ben:You're as welcome here as a swastika-shaped shit in a synagogue.

Ben · Amy:He took it like a man. Oh, well, he better get used to that.

Mike:The agency says she's either 16 months or three years old.

Kent · Mike:Kent: I am just over 12,000 steps today. / Mike: I'm at 3,000. Did you run to work today? / Kent: No, the job keeps me active.

Greg:You ran one campaign for two weeks and had a nervous breakdown. That is medically inaccurate. Go out, win a race with a Jesus-loving homophobic homosexual or a racist billionaire. Then we can talk about a career in TV.

Gary · Selina:How's Zitzilla looking? / Angry. You been picking at it? / No. Ahem, well, maybe a little bit, but...

Selina · Gary:Oh, that is so hot. / It's supposed to be hot. / And the tea is cold.

Selina · aide:Any chance they fixed the Wi-Fi? / I'll check.

Selina:Gosh, I like Bob. I mean, apart from the discolored tooth. But that's obviously not a reason to replace him. Can they replace the tooth?

Selina · Keith · Marjorie:Selina visibly struggles to find diplomatic words about why Agent Palmiotti doesn't look like her, with long awkward pauses — 'I am not quite seeing it, only because I'm... well, you are...' — while clearly trying not to say the agent is Black.

Selina · Keith · Gary:Keith, are you really not seeing what it is I'm seeing? / No, ma'am. / Gary, can you help me out here? / She smells completely different, so, you know...

Selina · Kent · team:Nevada recount revelation — Selina's team explodes in joy, then Selina mispronounces 'Nevada' as 'Nev-AY-da' and is immediately corrected to 'Nev-ADD-a' twice.

Selina · Ben · Gary · Marjorie:Selina's staff reacting with pure joy to the Nevada recount news — jumping, laughing, Oh!-ing — while the new secret service agent stands impassively nearby

Selina:No, shut up, Kent. You already lost Nevada for me once.

Richard · Selina · Jonah:I actually did my doctorate in recount procedures in the West. / Excellent work, Richard. Richard works for me. / You have a doctorate? Two. Constitutional law and veterinary medicine, which was my fallback. / But you were getting my coffee.

Richard · Selina:Which is much harder 'cause you have so many different moods. Like a half-caff and a full-caff, macchiato. / 'Ma-key-ato.' / Macchiato.

Jonah · Richard:She's Uncle Dursley and she's got the great wizard Harry Potter living under the staircase. Do you see that? But what happens in the Harry Potter books? He rises up and he kills all the muggles. / I don't think that's what happens.

Richard:Actually, I'm sorry, that lumbar support goes with this chair.

Selina:Wow, I thought your last one was flowery, vacuous nonsense. This one is much worse. Excellent, Mike.

Gary · Selina:The pimple during the press conference — reporters and cameras focused on Selina's face as it becomes increasingly prominent, described by Gary: 'It's looking a little worse. Wherever you stand in the room, it's still looking at you.'

Ben:(PHONES CHIMING) The Dow is dropping lower than my balls on a hot summer day.

Ben:Zitzilla just stomped all over Wall Street.

Selina · Ben:Oh, suck my dick. / Panic from the recount led to a huge sell-off and the market is so overmargined, blammo. They're already calling it Black Wednesday. / Jesus, it's only Wednesday?

Ben · Selina:They're already calling it Black Wednesday. / Jesus, it's only Wednesday?

aide · Selina:He says, 'The market crash caused a blotch on the face of America.' / Is that about my pimple?

Selina:You did this, okay? All that heat made it grow bigger. You baked a fucking soufflé on my face.

unidentified visitor:Madam President. Howzit going?

Selina:How come no one ever tries to assassinate a vice president?

Selina · Ben · Mike:Why don't we appoint an economy czar for a start? / Like an empty cop car they park on the side of the road to slow speeders. / Those cars are empty?

Ben:I'm on it, ma'am, like brown on rice.

aide · Selina:Tom James just gave an interview saying he wants to make sure they're recounting all the absentee ballots of our men and women bravely serving overseas. / What is he doing? He knows that the military hates me.

Selina · Richard · Amy · Ben:No, he's off book. / No, ma'am, I think that means he's learned all his lines and no longer needs a script. / No, he's off book. / Off the hook? / No, he's... God, he's deviating from the book of the things that he should do. / You mean off the rails.

Amy · Selina:If you want a super smart woman who's young and brilliant, then why not? / Yeah, I really want that. I really do.

Amy:Look, regardless of the recount, this could mean big things for zucchini.

Dan · Greg:I'm fired? / Yes, get out. We are doubling down on O'Brien, so you're basically as useless to me as a 40-year-old woman.

Greg · Dan:Oh, 'You can't fire me, I quib.' / (LAUGHS) You know it's supposed to say quit. / Well, I just fired you anyway. You can't quib, you rebard.

aide · Selina:Ma'am, someone opened a Twitter account for the pimple. / It's called POTUS. Pimple of the United States. / There are 220,000 followers as of five minutes ago. / How many Twitter followers do I have? / Approaching that.

Selina:Oh, czar she blows.

Selina · Tom James:Tom, stop it. You wanted to be Treasury Secretary. Remember? I don't see how this is any different than that. / Well, respectfully, Madam President, I hope you do because if the President of the United States can't tell the difference between Treasury Secretary and stock market patsy, that's pretty disturbing. / Then you accept?

Selina · Tom James:Tom, I'm asking you as the President of the United States. / And, respectfully, I am declining. / I'm not picking up any respect. But you're getting the declining?

Selina:Do you know what Candi Caruso's real name is? It's Candice. And she changed it to Candi with an I. If she does that to her own goddamn name, how the hell is she going to handle a potential recount?

Candi · Amy:Hi, it's Candi with an I. / Amy with a Y. Which is correct.

Amy:Ms. Caruso, the president sends her apologies, but the position has been filled.

Richard · Amy:In fact, you two used to date, but you never got over him. / Not Jonah. Why is baby with a beard here?

Richard · Amy:In fact, you two used to date, but you never got over him. / Not Jonah. Why is baby with a beard here?

Richard · Cliff:Cliff, my plate is just full of shit right now and I'd like for you to clean that. / You know what? I'll do it. Yeah. I love talking to people anyway.

Cliff:Actually, it goes with the seat, so it should probably stay.

Selina:This afternoon I asked Tom James to serve as economy czar and to my delight, he said yes.

Amy · Dan:Whatever useless, vain, vapid thing you're doing right now, drop it. / Well, I am enjoying a delicious sandwich made even more delicious by the fact that there's a homeless guy watching me eat it.

Amy:Right now you're about as toxic as a urinal cake in Chernobyl and I am offering you a job.

Dan:You know, Candi Caruso would have asked me nicer.

Mike:And... (POPS MOUTH) caught you. 18,000 steps. I am Chinese baby ready.

Selina:Oh, my God. Mike, when are the auditions for 'Music Man'?

Kent · Mike:So how many flights, Mike? / What do you mean flights? / As in flights of stairs. Burns way more calories. I am at 22 flights today.

Selina:Selina sees Marjorie (the Black Secret Service agent) at the symposium on race and does a visible double-take: 'Oh, wow, never mind.'

Selina:I look around here today and I see a rainbow of faces. Faces from the savannahs of Africa to the cities and towns of England. Faces from... from Holland and even perhaps Norway.

Selina · Tom James:I gave you my decision. / Oh, suck it. / Excuse me? / Yeah, you heard me. I LBJ'd you, okay? I'm the LBJ queen and you are Sargent 'Suck It' Shriver.

Gary · Selina:Ma'am, he said no irritants. / You're an irritant.

Selina · Kent:How much did we lose Idaho by? / Shellacked. Uh, well over 212,000 votes. / Then I declare a state of go fuck yourself. I'm not spending money to scrape mud off a bunch of dirt roads.

Selina · doctor · Kent:Don't you think that mudslides are the funniest kind of natural disasters? / I've always been partial to sinkholes. You know, ah! / (LAUGHS) Those are hilarious. / Nature's trapdoor.

doctor · Selina · Gary:You're gonna feel a small... / Oh, no, we're not gonna do this. But thanks for coming. / Yes, ma'am. / Cold compress, Gary.

staffers:After doctor leaves: two staffers exchange a look at the pimple situation, one says 'I mean...' and the other responds 'Yeah, took the words right out of my mouth.'

Selina · Ben:What the fuck is going on here? Why are they all white? / Looks like the NHL All-Star Weekend.

Selina · aide · Ben:We need to round up some blacks and fast. / We need to round up... / Don't say it over the radio, asshole.

Selina:Richard! Oh, thank God. Go get Sue. We need her now.

Selina · Sue:In your fucking face, Sue. / (ALARM BLARING) Fuck! — Sue's dramatic entrance triggers an armed lockdown.

Secret Service · Sue:Freeze! Put your hands up! / Whoa, whoa! I work here.

reporters:Mr. McLintock, why are there so few people of color in the Meyer White House? / Mike, does President Meyer care about black people?

Mike:Regrettably, he was also responsible for the chaos that occurred at the symposium on race today.

Selina · Ben:Wow, he looks puffy on TV. / Well, prison will get him in shape.

Mike:Regrettably, he was also responsible for the chaos that occurred at the symposium on race today.

hotel clerk · Amy · Richard · Jonah:If you do not have a reservation, we are sold out. There are no more rooms at this hotel. / Richard, have your people check us in. We're going to the lounge. / Jonah, take care of that. / Cliff, would... / Cliff?

Richard · Jonah · Cliff:Richard, have your people check us in. We're going to the lounge. / Jonah, take care of that. / Cliff, would... / Cliff?

Jonah:Excuse me, are you in line? / Does anybody know where the line ends?

Jonah:Excuse me, are you in line? / Does anybody know where the line ends?