Convention

Furlong:Roger Furlong quotes Scripture — 'Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them' — as self-aggrandizing introduction at the convention

Selina · Catherine:Selina coaching Catherine on how to say 'I love you, Mom' like she means it, then immediately saying it in an even more forced way

Jason:Jason asserting he's clearly a man because he hasn't been carded 'for years. Like, three years.'

Mike:Mike describing Karen: 'I cannot take Karen anymore. It's been weeks and she has yet to speak a declarative sentence.' / 'Like living next to a highway.'

Selina:'It sounds like you've been kidnapped by the Taliban.'

Karen:Karen's response 'Exactly' to the Taliban kidnapping line — as if it were a reasonable, measured point

Ian (Zucchini Farmer):Zucchini farmer: 'If you eat a zucchini anywhere in mainland North America, there's a 20% chance it's one of my zucchini.'

Dan:Dan: 'I practically photosynthesize.'

Sidney Purcell:'A Rolodex as crammed as a drug mule's poop pocket'

Ian (Zucchini Farmer):'Probably not fucking zucchini, right?' — the zucchini farmer laughing at his own joke about not eating zucchini

Dan:Dan's only contact is Jonah Ryan: 'You ever hear of Jonah Ryan? No. Old buddy of mine. We go way back. Love that guy.'

Selina · Amy · Catherine · Jason:Kiss rehearsal: 'Which part?' / 'All of it.' — Catherine and Jason's on-stage kiss is terrible and the whole team watches in horror

Amy · Karen:'All sciences are precise. That's what science means.' / 'That's open to interpretation.'

Selina:'Ugh, sounds good' — Selina's immediate positive reaction to hearing there's a death row execution problem

Ben · Mike:'He's been half-acuted' / 'Like being decapitated but surviving. Happens to chickens a lot.'

Selina:Selina: 'Yes, but a statement that can be repurposed if things change. He dies, he doesn't die, or whatever.'

Furlong:'Dead kids... That never sounds good unless you're a stressed-out single mom.'

Furlong:'There's only one midget I'm gonna let tell me what to do, and I'm gonna go tell her that I'm done.'

Furlong:'What's she gonna do, pin a dick on Gary and give him the job?'

Furlong:'Tough shitski'

Selina:'She's fucking ethnic! This is Latinageddon.'

Selina:'I wish I was that guy on death row. Apparently he's vomiting black bile.'

Selina:'He gets sexy Mexi. What am I stuck with? Doyle? Steve Martin's boring older brother.'

Selina:'That would totally fuck up that fiesta of theirs, wouldn't it?'

Ben:'It's like Christmas except happy.'

Mike · Selina:'Now they can kill him properly. God, you'd think they could do that right. Death row... the clue is in the name.'

Dan · Sidney · Jonah:Dan being sent to get coffee for the zucchini farmer and Jonah — he's become the coffee boy

Ben · Doyle:The prostate cover story exchange: 'You have prostate problems.' / 'I'm not gonna say that.' / 'That's embarrassing.' / 'Exactly. That's what makes it more real.'

Dan · Jonah · Richard · Sidney:The coffee machine is claimed to be 'on the fritz' but Dan was told it worked fine earlier — Jonah obliviously orders a soy cappuccino anyway

Jonah:Jonah: 'I'm the wheel-greaser. I'm the puppet master. A man of many nicknames. Poonslayer.' (phone buzzes) 'When I'm online. Video games?'

Jonah:Jonah describing himself: 'I'm the wheel-greaser. I'm the puppet master. A man of many nicknames. Poonslayer. When I'm online. Video games?'

Dan · Richard · Jonah:Dan claims Amy and he are 'closer than two fat guys in an elevator'; Richard immediately claims he 'used to date' Amy and knows her 'inside and out'; Jonah says he'll call her too because 'Ames' is actually 'long for Amy'

Selina · Ben:'What did I do in a past life to deserve Karen? / I think you must have given the go-ahead for Pearl Harbor.'

Selina:Selina laughing reflexively at Chung's story: 'I love it when you tell that story. It's so funny.' — clearly performing

Chung:'And my Bible. Although she is my Bible, so that's two Bibles.'

Selina:'Well, you take as many of the 15 minutes available as you need to make this decision.'

Selina:'Well, you take as many of the 15 minutes available as you need to make this decision.'

Selina:'Oh, that's nice. Fuck off, I'm busy.'

Furlong:'30 years as a senator and your asshole's getting more screen time than your face.'

Furlong:'I understand you've been twirling Jonah's balls like they're some kind of exotic stress reducer.'

Furlong:'I wish someone would sexually assault my staff. And by staff I mean penis.'

Furlong:'I mean, which of us hasn't gotten off in some guy's junk? Just for a laugh?'

Furlong · Teddy:'I want you to use your dirty hands, clean out your desk. You're fired.' / Teddy: 'Everything I have done has been to serve you.' / 'And that goes double for fondling Jonah.'

Doyle:Doyle watching the Teddy scandal unfold on TV: 'Have you been watching this? This is a fascinating show.'

Selina:Doyle's prostate diagnosis on live TV: 'which is not good. Sounds like you might die.'

Selina:'What, are you knocked up? What's the real reason?'

Selina:Selina mimes a gunshot: 'And you never know. Someday somebody might just...' (imitates gunshot)

Selina:'The shitty, two-faced, fat fucking turd said no.'

Selina:'I'm supposed to walk out on stage and then keep walking till I fall off the other side?'

Ben:'I like Tom James and I hate everyone.'

Gary · Selina:Gary suggests asking Doyle back — everyone stares. Gary then suggests Maddox. 'Everybody stop having ideas.'

Sue · Mike · Selina:Death row inmate update: 'He died.' / 'Oh, finally, right?' / 'Death row... the clue is in the name.'

Maddox:Maddox: 'I'm a fiercely ambitious man. And I know how to get things done. Not that you don't. Though people say you don't.'

Selina:Selina getting the Ben phone call and ejecting Maddox from the room mid-meeting with 'I've got to... He just closed the door, so I'm gonna have to head out'

Selina:'Well, that was then, and this is not then.'

Selina · Ben:'He's got a drinking problem. Yeah, shoe polish and he never even shared.'

Selina:'Are you trying to blow up the universe now? Who's gonna go for two women on the ticket? I guess we could all eat pussy all day long, too, right?'

Selina:'Yeah, that's why we 86'd him, Mike. The candidate needs to live up to and through the election.'

Tom James:Tom James working the convention floor: 'Hey, Natty. What a cool guy. You shit ice cubes and you piss snowflakes, right?'

Amy:Amy's resignation speech: 'I have bitten my tongue so long it looks like a dog's cushion.'

Amy:'You have two settings... No decision and bad decision.'

Amy:'I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the fire department standing by, but yet here you are running America.'

Amy:'You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets and maybe slavery.'

Amy:'The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked.'

Selina:'Well, that was clearly about me.' (laughs) / 'She's just one of those women who resents powerful women.'

Selina:'She's just one of those women who resents powerful women.'

Selina · Karen:'What do you think of Tom James?' / Karen: 'What do I think of him? I think there's a lot to think.'

Selina:Selina's 'Ank you' to Karen — a thanks so abbreviated it's basically contempt

Dan · Jonah · Richard:Dan discovers Amy has quit via mass text — 'Holy shit, Amy's gone' / 'Holy shit, that's insane. Wow, I'm getting the same thing, guys. Maybe we're getting the same text message. Oh, yeah, we are.'

Dan:'All right, bottom line, we cannot let Mr. Zucchini the human vegetable find out about this.'

Dan:'I have a little black book, okay? I have numbers the NSA doesn't even know about. Have you heard of Mike McClintock?'

Tom James:'Best one in four years.' — Tom James on the convention

Ben:'He has one skeleton. You're looking at her.' — Ben about why he didn't want to suggest Tom James

Tom James · Gary:Tom James arrives at the door: 'Room service.' — Gary nearly has a heart attack

Tom James:'I could murder and make a lampshade out of a Manhattan.' — Tom James ordering a drink

Tom James · Gary:Tom: 'I could murder and make a lampshade out of a Manhattan.' (All laugh) Gary immediately: 'I would like something to drink. Bourbon, neat.'

Selina · Gary:Selina dismisses Gary to get bourbon, then tells him to go straighten her room — two separate menial tasks in quick succession while Tom James watches

Tom James · Selina:Tom James's fake-out acceptance: 'I'm afraid, with deep regret... That I'm going to have to accept.'

Tom James · Selina · Mike:Tom James retelling his own joke to Mike — 'Again?' / 'Yeah, definitely tell him. Please. Can't wait. It's hilarious.'

Mike:'This is the best announcement since all those pandas got pregnant.'

Tom James:Tom James: 'Oh, it is with deep regret I must work.' — reprising his own joke immediately

Tom James · Selina · Kent:Tom James reveals he wants to sit down with Amy Brookheimer — Selina covers: 'Kent. Roger that.' — Kent's immediate, robotic 'Roger that' to his new role

Kent:Kent firing Karen: 'Your champagne's been laced with polonium. I mean, not really. It's just to lighten up the moment a little bit. But she definitely wants you to go.'

Karen · Kent:Karen's response to being fired: 'I don't know what to think.' / Kent: 'Precisely. You can just use that... the door right there.'

Selina · Tom James:Convention stage: Selina and Tom bump teeth on their big kiss. Selina tells the crowd: 'It's funny because we actually bumped teeth there... we have our whole lives to practice that.'

Selina · Tom James:'You leave this man alone, okay? Precious cargo right here.' / 'Well, he's my cheerleader.' / 'Yeah, I've got to get him pom-poms.'

Tom James · Selina:Tom: 'Do you ever get tired of this?' / Selina: 'Really tired of it, yeah.'

Selina · Tom James:Final line: Tom: 'Do you ever get tired of this?' / Selina: 'Really tired of it, yeah.'