Asbestos Fest

Moira:Well, I suppose I'll just have to be both the ventriloquist AND the dummy.

Moira:Shoes, Glorious Shoes, the Imelda Marcos Story

Moira:A one-woman Siamese twin play. Now that's a contradiction.

Jocelyn:Moira, if you don't make a decision right now, I'm going to lose my mind.

Jocelyn:Actually, no, take your time. Whatever works for you.

Moira:I need to know if I'm being billed as 'Moira Rose' or 'Ms. Moira Rose.' They are two completely different people.

David:Why does this production need 30 people?

Moira:Well, David, it's a musical. You need dancers, singers, ensemble members—

David:Yes, but 30?

Johnny:I just read the review. He said 29 of the 30 cast members were dead weights.

Moira:Well, which one did he like?

Johnny:He didn't say.

David:Did you even play Patty Hearst?

Moira:I did play Patty Hearst. It was a made-for-TV movie that aired at 2 AM on a Tuesday in April, during a cable blackout in the greater Tri-State area.

David:She hired a dance instructor to prepare for the show. Turns out, I dated him.

Moira:I studied under Skip Fosse.

David:Good luck.

Moira:Break a leg.

David:That's what I said.

Moira:No, you said 'good luck.' You say 'break a leg' to someone in the theater.

David:Break a leg, Mother.

Moira:The contradiction of 'easing in' with machine gun ballet

David:Well, at least they're scaring off the potentially dangerous customers.

David:They're not loitering, they're just... lingering. And frankly, I think it gives us a certain street credibility.

Moira:David, we sell high-end home furnishings in a small town. We don't need street credibility.

David:Well, maybe that's why we're not thriving.

David:Well, let's see what the teens are actually purchasing. Gum. Gum. Gum. Gum. And apparently, compliments about my bone structure.

Teen:That's a really nice sweater.

David:This? Oh, it's just something I threw on. It's vintage Loro Piana. I got it in Milan. Well, I didn't get it myself, my stylist got it, but I was there. Spiritually, I was very much involved in the process.

Patrick:David, are you okay? You're being weird.

David:I'm not being weird. Why would you say that?

Patrick:Because you just tried to high-five a fourteen-year-old and called TikTok 'very now.'

Roland:Well, I was just thinking, when you want to thank me for helping you with your business, you could get me some flowers and a case of beer.

Johnny:Roland, I haven't asked you to help me with anything.

Roland:I know, but when you do, I like tulips.

Johnny:I ran a successful business for years.

Roland:You ran it into the ground.

David:I just sold a extremely rare piece to a very important client.

Patrick:That's amazing! We should celebrate. What do you want to do?

David:I don't know, something special. Maybe we could get gift-wrapped gum for teenagers?

Patrick:Gift-wrapped gum? For teenagers?

David:Yes. Think about it — you spend twenty minutes carefully wrapping a stick of gum, only for them to unwrap it in three seconds and immediately throw away the paper. It's the perfect metaphor for inefficiency and wasted effort.

Patrick:That's... that's not a celebration, David. That's a cry for help.

Patrick:David gift wrapped a single pack of gum.

David:It was a nice pack of gum.

Patrick:Well, actually, I used to shoplift from high-end boutiques in the Hamptons.

David:I'm not a shoplifter, Alexis. I have a very good relationship with retail establishments.

Alexis:David, you literally got caught stealing a cashmere sweater last week.

David:That was a misunderstanding. The tag fell off.

Alexis:You cut it off.

David:Well, regardless, I am not a shoplifter.

David:I would never shoplift. Do you know how mortifying it would be to be caught stealing from a store? The humiliation, the police involvement, the permanent record... I'm very familiar with retail loss prevention protocols, and I can assure you, the cameras are very thorough. They cover every angle of the store, including the fitting rooms and the stockroom. I know this because I've worked in fashion retail, and I take these matters very seriously.

Patrick:Well, the teens will return because I have expertise in both crime and skincare routines.

Roland:I'm the guy you need.

Johnny:Yeah, I figured that out immediately.

Johnny:It's a trial employment.

Roland:Oh, well, I'm doing you a favor then.

Moira:It's not a hunting rifle, it's a carbine. There's a difference.

Jocelyn:You know, Moira, facing your fears is really important. I had to face mine at my wedding.

Moira:Oh really? What happened?

Jocelyn:I panicked. Completely panicked. I thought I was going to faint.

Moira:Oh my God, what did you do?

Jocelyn:Well, I got through it. And you know what? The venue was a Sandals Jamaica.

Teen:Those are nice shoes. Where'd you get them?

David:These are Italian leather, hand-stitched by a cobbler in Milan who only takes on three clients per year. I had to wait eighteen months for an appointment, and he insisted on measuring my feet at dawn because he believed that's when the foot is at its most honest. The leather was sourced from a specific region in Tuscany where the cows are apparently very calm, which affects the quality of the hide. They cost more than your car.

Teen:Those are nice shoes. Where'd you get them?

David:Thank you. These are vintage Italian leather. I acquired them in Milan during a particularly challenging time in my life. I was there for a spring collection preview, and I simply saw them in a window and knew. The cobbler— his name was Giuseppe, very temperamental— he actually refused to sell them to me at first because he said they were meant for someone special. But I convinced him otherwise.

Patrick:Excuse me, I noticed you putting that moisturizer in your pocket. Now, I'm going to have to ask you to put that back, but first — and I say this with genuine concern — your skin is incredibly dehydrated. You really should be using a hydrating serum before your moisturizer. It makes all the difference.

Patrick:So yes, put it back, but also, come find me when you're ready to start a proper skincare routine. We can set you up with something that will actually work for your skin type.

Patrick:I'm going to call the po po.

Alexis:I'm calling the Po Po!

Teen:The what?

Alexis:The Po Po. The police.

Teen:...Did you just say 'Po Po'?

Johnny:Roland, could you please change the sheets?

Roland:Change the sheets? Do you know who I am? I'm the mayor of this town. I don't change sheets. I change policy.

Roland:We lost everything. The house, the business, the Diana bear... do you know what that bear is worth? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I paid forty thousand dollars for it.

Moira:I suppose I must accept that my time in the spotlight has dimmed. Like a whispering elephant in the darkness of retirement, slowly fading into the distance.

David:Because if you don't do well, you'll be insufferable for months, and I have to live with you.

Jocelyn:So, um, we've had a last-minute change to Moira's act.

Moira:What kind of change?

Jocelyn:Well, the magician cancelled, so we're going to need you to do something else.

Moira:But I've already had the expensive mirror setup installed!

Jocelyn:But... it's July.

Jocelyn:I have to warn you, what you're about to see, you cannot unsee.

David:That's my mother.

Moira:I'm performing a winter-themed number about the bitter cold. It's a fundraiser, you see, and I've decided to connect the numbing sensation of frigid temperatures to the slow, agonizing effects of asbestos poisoning.

David:Well, that's enough of that. I can see some of you are already checking your phones, which is fine because clearly, you have the emotional capacity of a napkin.